Disclaimer: If I repeated some of my old ones, would you care? They're still not mine, sorry, but if they were I'd rent them to y'all! Does that make you feel better?

Silly me, wouldn't want to forget these . . .

Kelli: Y'know, the funny thing about my roommates is . . . they all talk to themselves too. But I do have the tendency to laugh out loud at all my reviews and cause subsequent odd stares, etc. to be thrown my way. Is so. Thanks for your review, and hey, forward that story we could maybe probably PPC!

Battgirl: Howdy, and welcome! Lovely to have you along! I liked each and every one of your reviews, and I'm even happier that you like the story! Yay! Your cliffhanger review had me laughing *so* hard . . . Anyways, wait until Chapter Ten for a *really* evil cliffhanger. I was almost locked in solitary confinement for it!

Star Queen: I'm glad you're finding ways to keep yourself occupied. I'm telling you, forward some of your things to me! I'd love to read them and review for you! (I miss being able to do that for my readers.) And wait no more for this chapter!

Kalva Tree-Night: Sorry, I'm thinking about moving the reviews to the *end* of the document now! I got so many because I think people were very relieved I hadn't left this story for dead on the edge of an immense cliffhanger! Hee hee. Oh, nitpick away! That's Meriweather's faithful author at work on her PC that's creating those errors, not me! LOL. Pleasure to have you reading!

Goddess Isis: I hate perfect Sues, don't you? I can assure you that I'm working on a very, ahem, *fitting* way for the Sue to die. In the meantime, have this chapter to keep you laughing!

Europa: I think you mean cave troll. LOL, now wouldn't it be funny if the Balrog showed up at a *very* inopportune time?

GreyLadyBast: Yay! I'm so happy to hear from you! The filter at school keeps me from FF.net, so unless you have an accessible website, there isn't any way for me to read your stuff. It makes me sad! Anyway, glad you enjoyed, and you deserved to be mentioned! You're one of my favorite readers!

Bryn: Gee, sometimes I think you're psychic. See below for my reasoning. I'm sorry I'm not able to review for you, but I *love* what you're doing with your "Out of the Frying Pan" story. I access it through Aralanthiriel's archives. Keep up the good work, I always look to see it she's updated you, especially when I need a good laugh!

Laura: Nope, you didn't miss much, only Meriweather's nasty author misspelling Gandalf's name, which is what caused Katie to have a fit of hysterics. Poor girl. Can you imagine the mini-Balrogs created by this story?

Earendil: Until you have to wait for the next chapter, right? Hee hee hee, have fun!

Princess Joy: Okay, okay, calm down! Here you go, read it and enjoy.

Rabia: I don't know, I think you and Bryn are getting together and having some kind of psychic ceremony. LOL, it's really interesting when the Sue is involved in a love triangle and *then* they get to fight over who gets to comfort her . . . mwahaha.

Hmm . . . checking over my review list, I believe that Rabia has earned a special dedication and thank you ceremony! Thank you m'dear for all your wonderful comments, you deserve this chapter!

TRAPPED AS A MARY SUE

Chapter Thirteen

The bow of Meriweather was singing, ten times more rapidly than the bow of Legolas. Her never-ending supply of arrows hit every target, and each one always delivered the killing blow.

Perfect aim, perfect skills . . .

She's a perfect moron.

The orcs swarmed the room, but all of them gave Meriweather a wide enough berth that she could easily pick them off without having to move or even duck in self-defense. It was like she had an invisible five-foot bubble around her.

Probably so her hair and makeup don't get icky.

Meanwhile, the rest of the Fellowship had their swordpoints kept busy on the few orcs that hadn't fallen to the Sue's bow. After all, she was an equal-opportunity killer . . . some of the time.

She can't do *all* the work, the resident voice commented dryly. She might break a nail.

Ah, and we wouldn't want that to happen, would we? Katie was trying to dispel the cold knot of fear in her stomach that something very *bad* was going to happen. And happen it did.

A single orc stepped out from behind a pillar and released a bowstring, in clear view of Meriweather, who simply stood there and took the arrow in her shoulder. It was only then that she crumpled into a heap with a moaning cry of pain. Boromir was immediately at her side, setting his sword down and talking gently to her, his gloved hands carefully examining her wound.

Katie, on the other hand, was beside herself in agony. Pain and murderous thoughts were the calmest things going through her head at that moment. She cried out, tears leaking down her face, wishing she could jam her hand in her mouth to stop the whimpers that she could not control.

Dear God, please help me, she prayed desperately, even as Aragorn came to kneel on Meriweather's other side, across from Boromir. The battle raged on around the three of them, but to Katie's hazed mind it appeared like it was moving in slow motion.

"Come Boromir. We must move her to a safe place," Aragorn said urgently, dropping his sword to help lift Meriweather/Katie.

They're in . . . the middle of a battle . . . and they're unarmed. Real smart . . . Katie ground out, trying to hang on to some semblance of sanity. She was powerless to move, in the control of the Sue to a degree that was maddening beyond maddening. And the presence of Aragorn and Boromir was *not* helping things one little iota.

"We must take the arrow out, Meriweather. Otherwise the wound could get infected."

Aragorn's understatement, courtesy of Meriweather's author, scared Katie beyond all semblance of reasonable thought. For some reason, she tended to end up like that.

He's a *healer* for pity's sake! If he didn't take the *stupid* arrow *out*, then obviously it won't get *better*!

You're a bit irate, aren't you?

Ya *think*?!

Just calm down and let the story run its course. You cannot change it, so let the author deal with it.

Katie left the thought unvoiced that she didn't *trust* the author to do anything right. Not even breathe. Her thoughts were distracted as Aragorn wrapped one hand around the shaft of the arrow and yanked.

The scream must have mentally deafened Meriweather, because she lost control of her body as Katie jerked and recoiled in pain. Real screams of agony, not just bravely-muted cries resounded through Moria. Boromir was forced to hold Meriweather/Katie down as two minds fought for control.

It was quite obviously Meriweather that got that privilege, because at that moment the cave troll chose to make his belated appearance by coming up behind Boromir and raising his club, intending to bring it down upon the man of Gondor's skull. Meriweather miraculously recovered all her willowy strength and in a flash grabbed up Aragorn's sword. In one fell swoop she cut off the monster's hand, and then ran the beast through. The cave troll dropped like several tons of potatoes.

There were no coherent thoughts coming from Katie's end. Flashing images of horrible death and torture scenes maybe, but no thoughts. She wanted to pass out very badly, but was afraid of what other harm the Sue might do to her were she not to hang around in her world of hurt.

She's . . . going . . . to kill . . . me . . .

She *will* end up killing you, if you don't find a way out of this. Another reason you were chosen to be pulled into this nightmare: when Meriweather gets wounded, obviously her perfect body heals quickly, so the damage that disappears has to be inflicted on *somebody*.

Thought you said . . . she couldn't . . . kill me . . .

What's it to her if you die *at the end*?

There was no response as Meriweather slumped back against a still-standing pillar, at the end of her apparent strength. Aragorn was quickly at her side, with Boromir shooting alternating concerned and scowling glances in their direction. Concern for Meriweather, and scowls for Aragorn. The love triangle had officially begun.

When it rains, it pours.

Shut . . . up.

Aragorn expertly bandaged her shoulder as much as he could, though they were on the run from a couple million orcs.

"To the Bridge of Kazoo-Doom!" Gandalf cried then, and hurriedly the future king of Gondor grabbed Meriweather's hand and both bolted out the door, past swarming hordes of orcs that leapt out of the floor and swarmed down the massive columns. The Fellowship did not pause until they were completely surrounded, but there was nothing more that Katie wanted to do except collapse. Nearly every part of her screamed for attention, but she could not give it. She was not allowed to give it.

There was a flash of fire against the walls, and without preamble somebody (in a hobbit-voice) shouted, "Balrog!" Then the billions upon billions of orcs (it was quite a stunning picture, actually) simply vanished into the air like puffs of smoke.

Katie didn't have the energy to even insult Meriweather. In other words, she was two inches from dropping dead.

"Run!" For some odd reason, Gandalf's voice was toneless as he hurried them on, robe flapping behind him. The whole time, Aragorn had not relinquished the Sue's hand, and Boromir was not very far away.

They came to the gap in the stairwell, and Legolas lightly leapt over, just as he was supposed to do. Then Meriweather gathered herself, and in a flash of incredibly long and shiny hair, she was beside the elf, ready and willing to catch the hobbits. Gimli came first, but Meriweather graciously stepped out of the way and allowed the stout being to fall flat on his face before rolling down a few steps. The dwarf sprang quickly to his feet, casting dark glances and muttered oaths in her direction.

The Sue ignored him as Merry and Pippin landed safely in her amrs. (Though what sort of body parts those were no one knew.) The author was having a severe case of spellingitis.

Sam followed, but Legolas was there first and the hobbit was quickly let down after Meriweather had seen that he was all right. She stood aside for Boromir, who quickly relieved the Sue of her place. Then she stood behind Gimli and cheered Aragorn, Frodo, and Gandalf on as they rode the unstable section of staircase that had come loose like a surfboard.

This author is *so* dead.

You . . . have no . . . *idea* . . .

Hush, you'll make yourself worse.

No, *she'll* make me worse.

The trek on through Moria continued (but only after Aragorn had safely landed in Meriweather's loving bearhug) at a swift pace. As they neared the bridge, Gandalf caught Meriweather's arm (thankfully the good one) and told her, "Lead them on, fair lady. You are their only hope. Yonder lies the bridge."

Meriweather nodded determinedly and pressed on, unsheathing her sword and charging to the head of the group. She was the first one across the bridge, but turned back as the others crossed after her. Boromir stopped beside her, even as Gandalf halted in the middle of the bridge and turned his back to the Fellowship.

"Gandalf, no!" Meriweather's cries were lost in the thunderous growling of the Balrog. She had the humility to cower behind Boromir in fear as the fiery cretin brandished his flaming sword.

"*You shall not pass!*" Gandalf's words rolled like crashing waves across the chasm that separated the Fellowship from certain death. The Balrog snarled and took a step forward, lashing out with his heretofore forgotten whip. The wizard did not back down, and as he drove his staff into the stone beneath his feet the bridge shuddered and trembled before snapping in half. The demon spawn tumbled and fell beyond sight into the darkness. But like sinister tongues of flame, even as Gandalf turned away, the Balrog's whip climbed from the depths and snared his foot.

As he was pulled down to the abyss, clinging as a spider would to its last thread, Meriweather started forward, screaming. Boromir grabbed her forcibly (however, also gently) and called to Aragorn to see the hobbits safely out. Orc arrows chased them as they made fast their retreat, and yet another took Meriweather in the leg. She tripped and fell, but was quickly born up by Boromir, who seemed to take great pleasure in carrying her.

Katie had no words left in her vocabulary that sufficed for this new addition to her list of injuries. As the remaining members of the Fellowship plus one burst forth into the sunlight onto the stone-littered hills outside Moria, she breathed a mental sigh of relief. It was then that Meriweather chose to render herself unconscious from the pain of her injuries, and Katie was very inclined to do likewise.

So she did, but not before studiously slipping the sword from Sam's belt.



[The end. You know what time it is, so find that friendly little button!]