~*~
He brings his hands to rest above her collarbone, fingers tenderly caressing the delicate skin below her chin. She whimpers slightly under his touch . Her eyes still burning from unshed tears stare silently into his and he returns her gaze.
And in that moment there's just the two of them. Drowning in the morning light which bathes the room.
He's dreamt of her. Dreamt of this. Seen her face in every corner and bend in the road on his journey home. On his journey there.
Running away seems to have brought him closer to her. Stealing minutes here and there to think about her, wonder what she's doing, if she's missing him as much as he misses her. It was perturbing to find that in trying not to be with her she had proven to be his only consolation.
Her smile, her face, the way she pouted when he teased her. All simple images which haunted his nights. Or so he was certain, until that instant when he realised she was saving him again. Keeping him sane in the surrounding turmoil. If only all his ghostly images were as kind.
The gun, in all its steely calibre was pressed deep into the contours of my forehead. Coldness digging its way relentlessly through whatever sensation was left in my skin. I'm dying. I'm going to die. Could they not see I was only here to help? That I had done no wrong? Frozen. Numb. Stuck to the spot, in this one moment that seemed to long outstay it's welcome.
She's so much more beautiful than he remembers.
He's unsure, afraid to let his fingers graze her cheek. Unwilling to hurt her more than he already knows he has. But somewhere between each choking sob she's letting him in.
Showing him her vulnerability unconcealed, naked. Trusting him once again.
Fingers smoothly entwine as he takes her hand in his. He brings it to his lips and places gentle kisses along the length of her trembling fingers.
She's yielding to him. Leaning her head into that special place on his chest. That place reserved for her alone.
Searching. Seeking comfort in the one person who can reassure her. This man, who from the moment he entered her life had changed it beyond recognition. Who had shown her a brand of love never before experienced. Someone willing to give more than he was ready to take.
He's her friend. Her confidant. Her lover. But he's so much more than that.
Together their lives are woven into an intricate design. He's become a part of her. A part so great, so fulfilling that when he leaves she's ripped apart at the seams too.
He reciprocates, placing his hand on her head and smoothing her hair in circular motions. Rocking her back and forth. Soothing her troubled mind. Pressing her against his chest so she can feel his heart racing.
She's secure. Blanketed in his arms. Wrapped up in his dressing gown.
Tiredness seeps slowly from his weary sides. Ever the seductress, she leads him over to the bed, but this time not in search of that kind of fulfilment. She fluffs her pillow with gentle, precise movements before lowering his head down slowly onto it, lifting his legs up and in between the sheets.
The dressing gown drops to the ground as she lies down beside him, her hand brushing against his warm skin.
Her touch though delicate, with the lightness of a breeze, is enough to send quivering impulses through the heart of his being. She's making her presence felt and he's revelling in her sweet caresses. Glad to be home. Relieved that she's waited for him.....
I didn't ask for this. A life, my life was playing in the background. Voices. Gamma, Bobby, Lucy. And then Abby. And I cursed myself for my selfishness. My stupidity. I remembered her expression. Her concern, fading to disappointment, then to hurt. Hurt. I had hurt her. I had come here as if to make a grand gesture. Helping people. It's what I do. What's the sense in that if I hurt the one person who means anything to me?
Oh God, Abby. What have I done?
"John, - " She murmurs softly. She's waited so long to say his name. To form those syllables in her throat and hear them resonate slowly about the room.
He reaches up to her and puts a finger to her lips, gently quelling her desire to speak.
"Sssh, Abby, I want – need – you to listen to me. Just hear me out. Please"
His voice is pleading, although it has no need to be. She understands. Her head sinks down into the pillow beside him and she nods.
"I just – I'm sorry." His voice is a whisper, barely audible, as though he's afraid it will crack if he speaks any louder.
"I'm sorry I ran. I was angry with you. Angry that every time I want you there something happens and you have to leave. But I understand. I do understand that it's not a thing you have control over and that I have no right to make demands on you."
He stops momentarily and swallows. Carefully, he studies each aspect of her face. She gives away nothing.
"I wanted to push you away, because I felt that you were pushing me away. But in the end I couldn't. I couldn't so I ran. It was easier. For you, for me – or so I thought, but then I realised that no matter how far or fast I run I can't escape myself. Or my thoughts. My thoughts of you."
She trails the back of her hand gently down his face, then returns to his forehead, smoothing out his furrowed brow with her fingertips. She catches his eye and stops abruptly. Something within them calls her. They are opened wide, bare and she realises that she's seeing right down deep into his soul.
"Abby, I can't even remember the first time I spoke to you because I feel as though I've known you forever. No-one has ever touched my life the way you have and should you never want to speak to me again I want you to know that I - "
" – love you." She finishes with him. They utter the words together, their voices blending in perfect unison.
He stares at her in surprise. In wonder. His eyes water, but he's too overcome to wipe his tears away. She looks down but then straightens her head to continue emotionally.
"I – I didn't want you to think I'm saying it because you said it first. I want you to know that I mean it. Now and always. I made a vow that if you came back to me that I would tell you that you mean everything to me. You make me feel complete and......"
Her voice cracks. She's gasping, trying desperately not to sob, to finish what she's saying although her body is shaking with the effort. To say what she feels and make him listen. It's what she's been planning to do ever since he left and now that he's back she's so overwhelmed she can barely breathe.
"Sssh." He leans over and scooping up her tiny body, lets her tears fall to form delicate patterns upon his chest. She quietens, soothed by his embrace.
Breathing in heavily, determined, she continues.
"And when you left I just – I felt so alone"
She shoots him a wry smile. She's wringing her hands together. If she wasn't lying down she'd shrug. Finally she's taken all her feelings and lain them out, exposed, for him to peruse.
He opens his mouth but before he speaks she cuts him off.
"I mean – I'd never felt like that before. Well I mean, I had, before I knew you. But I didn't realise it. Maggie, Eric. They were all I knew and I didn't mind. I thought life was supposed to feel like that. I didn't know any different. Until I met you - "
She sighs.
"What I mean is I don't want to go back. I don't want you to leave and I don't want to think that I've lost you."
Her mouth shuts with a gritty ferocity. Tensed, as though she's expecting him to laugh. To take these precious words and throw them back in her face. To strike her down like so many have done before.
But he smiles. Smiles and gripping her hand tightly, places it over his heart.
I want to tell her how sorry I am. I don't want to die without telling her how important she is to me. I want to tell her I'll never leave again. I don't want to leave any stone unturned, any path untravelled in my search to find the right words. If I ever come out of here alive I'll say it aloud. And make her listen. And if she walks away, at least it will be in the knowledge that I care.
"You haven't lost me. Abby, in all my life I've searched to find someone who I can share everything with. There's always been this space, this place in my heart for the right person. And now that I've found you, I'm not planning on ever giving up on us. On what we have. It's too special for that. You're too special for that."
He grins and leaning over, tickles her slightly. She giggles with unforeseen girlishness and holds his wrists in a vain attempt to make him stop.
"So I take it I was always part of your master plan then?"
She winks at him playfully, poised in anticipation of another frenzied tickle attack.
"No, Abby – "
He falters, his voice becoming faint and serious. She loosens her grip on his wrists, holding her breath as she feels the gap in his response. He waits until she faces him - her eyes searching his - and then he answers in a hoarse and gentle whisper –
"You were my master plan."
There's an eerie silence, broken only by the explosive crackle of electricity as their bodies touch in gentle harmony. Outside the rain plays a haunting melody as it brushes the windows of the room, watching over the place where the two lovers lie entwined.
She gazes into his eyes to see not only her reflection in them, but her image, engraved carefully on his soul to be treasured forever.
And the wonder of it all, is that when he stares back at her, he sees an empty space now filled.
He's there.
And the sweet smile spreading across her face tells him he'll never leave again.
For he has found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love.
This he sees. This he feels. This he'll keep for all of time in the little wooden box inside his heart. And in years to come he'll open it, unwrap it's silken contents and recall this sacred moment.
So many people have walked in and out of his life. Some stayed, some tarried a while before going. But she's left her tiny footprints upon his soul - not upon leaving, but upon making her journey into his heart.
Where she belongs.
Authors Note: Hell, I know I'm no good with fuzz. Which is why this is my final chapter. I found it a challenge to write – that's code for incredibly difficult :) – but I hope that it isn't too obvious.
"I've found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love." is a quote from Mother Theresa.
Thank you so much for reading and hugs to all of you who wrote such lovely reviews for my last chapter. I much appreciated them. As always reviews, emails and constructive criticism are very welcome for this chapter.
