Disclaimer: Let's see . . . Aragorn, Legolas, Boromir, Gimli, Frodo, Sam,
Merry, Pippin, all normal Uruk-Hai, all ringwraiths, Amon Hen and all other
recognizable paraphernalia belong to Tolkien. The only things I own are
mistakes and are listed as follows: Meriweather/Katie, Temnaur/Brian, and
Saura'onna. I'm . . . thrilled.
To my forgiving reviewers:
Laura: I hope you got to go back and read the real version of Chapter 19! Hopefully it will answer all of your questions.
Violet Dawson: Thanks for the heads-up about the chapter. I appreciate your concern and support very much. And I keep meaning to finish reading the MIA Chronicles, but I haven't gotten that far yet. But what I have seen looks very entertaining.
Lady Moon: My sympathies about the canon also. I think we can officially say that all resemblance to Tolkien has officially gone out the window with the exception of names (and even those are in danger).
Silent Angel: Thank you also for the warning about my chapter. When I first saw your review I cringed and shuddered to think that you had to read the nasty version. And I'm pleased to have an avid fan. Can't say anyone's ever said that to me before. Again, thanks. And are you sure it won't be you? Mwahahaha . . .
Crimson Starlight: Her thoughts have returned, never fear! I think I got it right in this chapter, anyway. And it's always bound to get worse!
Eirtae: Ah, another confused one, to whom I profusely apologize . . . Chapter 19 has been reposted in its correct version, and if you haven't had the chance to read it, you may want to. All your questions/comments/opinions of Temnaur/Brian will be answered, I promise!
Azaelia Sapphire: As Meriweather/Katie is the primary character, only she has to be knocked unconscious to get Middle-earth back. Temnaur/Brian will logically follow. Oh, and the Sue's author is not through with Frodo and Sam. Not by a long shot.
Wen Quendalie: Ah, vindictive isn't a strong enough word for Meriweather. But Katie gets a little payback of her own, which I was very happy about. You'll have to read to see!
Rabia: Ah, my mission in life is complete! I've made you laugh in front of an entire room! With Saura'onna, no less! I feel very proud of myself, to say the least! Hee hee. And you'll have to see just how many of your suggestions come true . . .
Heero Yuy: I'm sure Katie would have liked it better too. Stupid Meriweather, getting to wish the hobbits well. And don't get me started on Boromir! Ai. Well, the Sue knows even less about the hobbits than she'll admit to, so if she thinks that Merry and Pippin are fighters, then I guess they're fighters. Those poor halflings don't even know what's what half the time! As for back to Middle-earth, you'll have to wait and see . . .
Mizalaye: Well, even if you don't want to know how it'll get worse, at least know that it will. Trust me. The stupid Sue author has gone and done something totally despicable with "The Two Towers." Oh, and Boromir dies. Besides, the Sue needs the chance to do a tragic death scene, and we wouldn't want her to miss the opportunity, would we?
Lightning: Thanks for your review! I did get the chance to visit your profile and read 'The Killer'. I can't remember right now if I read anything else, but 'The Killer' was very interesting. I kind of wish that the chapters were longer and had more detail, but I positively love the way Teruwyn talks. I don't know why, I just do! Such are the fickle ways of an author, I suppose . . .
Blaze: Aaah, but before Meriweather came along, Katie was schizophrenic by choice. Adding the Sue to the mix wasn't her doing, and now it's *really* crowded up there! I enjoyed your reviews, and I think your perseverance with this story is amazing!
Emerald: Glad to hear it! I hope it doesn't take you long to slog all the way to this chapter!
Fae: You know, you're the first one to make the bobby pin connection. Kudos! Temnaur actually has something to do with fire. I can't recall the exact translation right now . . . I'll look it up for later, promise. Oh, and I also promise to read Chapter One by tomorrow. I've been working these past few days and am zonked like you wouldn't believe. Ride swiftly, and avoid gopher holes!
WeasleyTwinsLover: You'll have to see which device came out on top in this chapter . . . but I did go with my personal favorite.
Contia Mirian: Well, now that you've explained it to me, my thank you still stands. And I hope you, Ice, do get around to reading those books someday. They start to grow on you after awhile. You are very welcome for the dedication.
MentalMidget008: You know, one of these days I'm going to give you spelling lessons. :-) That's okay, I love you anyway. I hope that you won't have to call me again over this chapter! Amin mela lle, melamin.
Shiggity-shiggity: Let's just put the whole romance thing this way: Katie finally has somebody that talks colloquial 21st century English! Forget Aragorn, Legolas, Éomer, etc. Meriweather on the other hand, or should I say her author, has some surprises in store on the romantic front. Coming soon in future chapters . . . mwahah.
Paperclip Princess: Forgive me if I don't quite understand the reference to paperclipping. I did find it amusing, however. And I pulled this chapter together so reviewers wouldn't start handing me death threats. I'm cowering beneath my bed as I type this, fearful that some vengeful reviewer will come crashing through my roof with a whip! Okay, maybe not, but you get the idea.
No one of Consequence: Oh, trust me . . . the raccoon is going to be a star. Everyone will either love or feel sorry for the raccoon. The Sue has plans for the raccoon. And *you* are one of the reviewers I'm worried about! Death threats? I think I'm going to move to some shack in the Alps where no one will find me . . .
AerinBrown: She was pushing him down the stairs as a form of revenge for drugging her earlier. And, oh yes, the boyfriend adds a whole new dimension to it. It'll only get stranger from here on out . . . By the way, THANK YOU for reading School's Out. Nobody ever reads that, but I've always loved writing it. You're the first person who's even glanced at it in a long time (besides my friends who read it all on my laptop anyway). You have no idea how happy that made me.
Kyae: I should have warned you: consumption of food and/or beverage while reading my fic can have rather messy results. Some of my readers have also reported to have made complete fools of themselves by laughing aloud in front of people who consequently believe them insane. :-) I hope you enjoy the update!
Alaina: Actually, Fae and I did a study on raccoons. Many believe that Tolkien wrote Middle-earth as an early form of Europe or Britain. Raccoons do not live in Europe. That's why some people find the fact that there were raccoons in 102 Dalmatians very upsetting. They've since been imported, but originally there were no raccoons in England. Ahem. Sorry for the history lesson. And amusing is my job, so as long as I'm doing it, I'm thrilled!
NightShade: Yeah, if you ever find a copy of that cookbook, I'd *love* to borrow it sometime. And Meriweather gets her comeuppance, you can be sure of that!
Celtic Dreamer: Or in this case, just there because the stupid Sue's author thought Gandalf needed replacing. How dumb! The question is, will Temnaur be taking the place of Boromir in the love triangle? Dun dun dunn . . .
Gate Keeper: Go on, you can have him. He'd probably say something like, "Live long and die by my blade," or something. Vulcan Lurtz . . . what's next? Klingon Orcs? On second thought . . . they *do* look something alike . . .
Fly Without Wings: You're telling me. How much more screwed up can it get?
Divine: Get back, evil fangirl! Just kidding. I've got a rather large one down inside of me, too. You should have heard me when I saw "The Two Towers" for the first time. It was *bad*. But at least I can confess my faults. Well, one of them. The other one is that my head swells when I get a fantastic review like yours. I mean it, I couldn't get through the doors in my house for a week!
ScarsOnAScribbler'sHeart: Calm down, I haven't even begun to touch the Edoras problem yet. I'm hoping the Sue might simmer down and decide to go *around* Edoras. It's not a good ploy, but hey, she's stupid, who knows? There's no true Brian this chapter, but next chapter I guarantee it. I'm sure he's got lots to say about all this!
Aaaaaaaaand now . . . give it up for . . . NightShade! Dedication of this chapter is solely, completely, and fully hers, in recognition of her good points, excellent observations, and great sense of humor. Thanks so much for all your reviews, and your loyalty in keeping with the story.
TRAPPED AS A MARY SUE
Chapter Twenty
Merry and Pippin charged forward bravely, followed closely by Meriweather and Temnaur. Their small swords were raised defiantly against the oncoming horde of Uruk-Hai, their faces set. A bolder picture could not be imagined. There was steel in every eye, steadfast courage in every being. Then the first wave hit.
The two hobbits lunged forward, wordless cries of attack poised on their tongues. They were never given the chance to use their bright blades; the Uruk-Hai slowed their headlong rush in recognition and two of the beasts in the lead snapped up the Halflings like fish to bait. Meriweather and Temnaur simply stood there, their expressions close to dumbfounded. Or perhaps just dumb.
It was not until Pippin's cry of, "Meriweather, help!" that the two galvanized into action. Their blades flashed as they met the Uruks head- on, regardless of anything resembling safety.
Meriweather tripped one, meeting the monster with a thrust to the stomach before spinning to cleave the head off another. Temnaur was chanting something, having somehow miraculously recovering his heretofore forgotten staff. The Uruks in the immediate vicinity were incinerated before Katie could blink. Well, if she had been able to blink, that is.
Before either could advance on their remaining enemies, a sudden shout was heard off to the right. Boromir came crashing through the brush, sword in hand, the Horn of Gondor bouncing wildly at his side.
"I have come to assist you, my lady," he said breathlessly, chopping at the nearest Uruk-Hai. "You are hurt, you must go to Aragorn. I shall help Temnaur with the rest of these creatures of Sauron. Go, now!"
Meriweather nodded quickly, dashing swiftly away in the direction she assumed Aragorn to be.
{Didn't her mother ever tell her not to run with knives?} Katie's voice wondered. {It'd be a pity if she were to fall on her sword.}
{Yes, a pity that we would both *die*!} Katie exclaimed. {If you are through with your helpful suggestions--}
{Sssh! Listen to Meriweather's thoughts.}
{You mean she actually has cognitive thinking abilities? I don't believe it!}
{Sssh!}
Indeed, once they fell silent, they could here a faint, echoing voice that could only belong to Meriweather.
"Surely this wound isn't too bad. I've got to go save Merry and Pippin! Those nasty-looking giant things will be halfway to Murdor by now!"
{Giant things?} her voice asked.
{*Murdor?!*} Katie screeched. She wanted to form some kind of insult, but the latest and greatest author misspelling had her too angry to mentally see straight.
And still oblivious to anything going on inside her cranium, Meriweather began to track the two Uruk-Hai with Merry and Pippin. She held her sword in front of her, ready for any attack. She could hear their heavy steps and the muffled yells of the hobbits as they struggled with their captors. Terror was plainly etched on their faces as Meriweather mounted a last rise. She dropped her sword and reached for her bow, knowing she was too far away to catch them unless she wanted to drop dead first from the poison, but also knowing that she could not miss the shot. Then the Horn of Gondor sounded.
The heavy cadence of pounding feet behind the Sue alerted her to the oncoming remains of the attacking force, as they realized their objective had been accomplished. They had the halflings. Meriweather dove to one side, rolling behind a handy piece of ancient statuary that effectively hid her from view. And though Meri-Sue wasn't the brightest crayon in the box (far from it, as you know), she wasn't quite stupid enough to try and take them all on at once.
As soon as they had all passed her position, Meriweather was on her feet, racing madly back the way she had come. Boromir had called, and she had to answer. She must! Something deep inside her knew that it was over. He would not have used the Horn otherwise.
The scene that lay before her was enough to break even Katie's heart.
{I knew he had to die . . . I just didn't want to actually see him do it.}
{It must happen. I know it won't help much, but remember that this isn't reality,} her voice comforted.
Boromir lay, pale and beaten, against a mossy hillock that propped him in a semi-upright position. The three arrows, crude and ugly, reminders of their maker, seemed to tremble with the beating of the man of Gondor's rapidly-failing heart.
"Boromir, no . . ." Meriweather whispered, stumbling slowly forward and falling to her knees beside him. He turned to gaze at her with blue-gray eyes that were piercing in their focus.
"Meriweather . . . I love you," he said, breath rasping horribly.
Katie recoiled, but held her peace, for the sake of the real Boromir that was in there, also dying. But here he would die comfortless, still in bondage to the Sue. And though Katie didn't want that, she could not change it.
"You gave your life for mine . . . you took my place. You are noble, Son of Gondor," Meriweather said. "I am so, so sorry."
"Do not be. I have done my duty, and I have proven my love. Promise me . . ." Boromir paused, coughing before continuing, "that you will not forget me, Meriweather."
She bent closer, brushing her lips against his. "I promise you, with all that I am, Boromir. I won't forget."
Boromir let out a small sigh, the signal that his soul had fled Middle- earth. And it had. At least, Meriweather's version of Boromir's soul. The real Boromir yet lived.
Katie sat up straight, suddenly in control again. That was it. Meriweather had fainted, due to the poison. But Katie knew her time would be short, and then it would be onto the battle. She knew that what little strength she yet possessed would be depleted quickly. But for that moment, all that mattered was Boromir.
He searched her face, though his eyes were beginning to dim. "Katie?" he whispered.
"Yes, yes, Boromir. She has left, for the moment. Please, forgive me for everything. I promise you that I'll avenge what she has done. But I can never repay what you've done for me. You defended me, guarded me, and most of all, been a friend. I'm sorry it must end this way." Katie felt tears spring to her eyes, and she unabashedly let them slide down her face. She didn't want him to die . . . he of all the Fellowship was the only one to have shown her true companionship and to have given her a sense of belonging.
His hand groped for hers and found it. "You are but a child, carrying the fate of all. I place no blame upon you."
Katie felt a presence beside her. It was Aragorn. She extricated herself, knowing that the natural forces that were now in play needed to have their way with things. Katie backed slowly away, before turning her back on Boromir and Aragorn. She snagged the sleeve of a lost-looking Temnaur and pulled him away with her.
{What's the deal? What's going on?} she demanded of her voice, wiping tears from her face, trying to keep her roiling emotions at bay.
{I should think you of all people would know that the story's finished. Done, finito, over. The movie ended, remember? Meriweather's fainted, Boromir's dead, Sam and Frodo have gone, Merry and Pippin have been carried off, and Legolas and Gimli are around here somewhere. The author's not writing any more right now. Therefore, you have control.}
Katie looked at Temnaur/Brian. {And what about him? Shouldn't the real guy behind this mask be shining through right now? I bet he's got some interesting things to tell me.}
Her voice sounded puzzled. {I'm not sure . . . he's the author's secondary character, so I think he's technically on 'Pause' right now. If he were unconscious, it'd be different. If you want Brian back, you'd better go knock your head into a tree and get the battle over with.}
She eyed the tall, broad-shouldered Marty Sam contemplatively. {What if I just grab a handy club-sized stick and bash him with it? Wouldn't that bring Brian out?}
{Maybe, maybe not. Who's to say? You could try it and then explain to him why he's got a concussion.}
{I'd better not. As much as I admire Aragorn, I don't think he knows anything about serious head injuries, to say nothing of brain surgery.}
A tiny pair of paws attached themselves to Katie's leg, and she jumped in reflex. It was Saura'onna, looking pretty pathetic. Her lip curled in disgust. "There are *no* raccoons in Middle-earth," Katie snarled down at the animal. "Go find a cliff to fall off of."
"Katie?"
"*Gah!*" she yelped and spun around. Legolas stood there, one knife gripped in a defensive posture. Gimli was rapidly trying to catch up to the elf. "Don't *do* that!"
The elf and dwarf ignored her outburst. "What has happened? We are ourselves again, as are you. What of the others?" Legolas questioned, sheathing his blade.
"Merry and Pippin have been taken by the enemy. Frodo and Sam escaped and have gone on to Mordor alone. Boromir is dying; he may have died already. Aragorn is with him, just over there." Katie could not hide the sadness in her voice, and she turned away from Legolas and Gimli as tears threatened to spill anew. She pressed a hand to her side, wincing at the shooting pain it caused. Her wound flared, and the world hazed out of focus for a moment.
{Just sit down. If you pass out, at least you'll have less of a distance to fall,} her voice advised. Shakily, Katie obeyed, and the pesky raccoon insisted upon curling up in her lap, apparently permanently brainwashed into some kind of docile pet. She lacked the energy to fling the animal away. Leaning her head back against a tree, she slowed her breathing and tried to remain coherent, losing ground quickly.
{I wish my stupid body would get it over with so I can get this straightened out . . . hey wait a doggone minute. If Meriweather's story is over, then why haven't I been returned home yet? What is the author waiting for?}
{Apparently you missed the 'To Be Continued' note at the end of the fanfic. The author's going to see "The Two Towers" this weekend. And then from there . . .}
Thankfully, Katie was leaving reality behind and didn't quite grasp the monumental significance of her voice's statement, until she found herself face-to-face once more with Meriweather. And boy was she prepared to deal out pain and torture like the Sue had never seen before.
"Hello, Meriweather," she smiled demonically when the Sue woke up. Katie had been fortunate enough to catch Meriweather by surprise, and that had allowed her to stun the Sue long enough to strap her to the device she had appropriated.
Meriweather made no response and Katie circled around the raised table, checking the bindings and other various paraphernalia she had attached to the Sue. "I don't think you recognize this lovely little machine, do you? You probably haven't even read "The Princess Bride," much less seen the movie. What a pity. I guess you'll have to learn about Count Rugen's machine the hard way."
Katie made a few final adjustments before moving to stand at Meriweather's head, glaring directly down into her multi-hued eyes. "This is of course the dumbed-down version presented in the movie. I don't want to take the time with the one in the book, because my list of incidents that require revenge is way too long to bother. And I don't know how it will work with fictional characters, so this should be educational for both of us."
She stepped back and rested one hand on the lever that was currently set to 'zero'. "Now then. To begin. This is for Aragorn." And she raised the level to 'one'.
Meriweather, who up until that moment had never screamed in pain over anything, was howling her lungs out, writhing in agony, jerking against her bonds. Katie watched for a moment, a half-smile on her face. Then she reset the lever to 'zero'.
"That was the first of my list. What did you think? Because that's going to happen a lot more, I guarantee. And in case you're wondering the significance of the numbers? This little baby sucks years of life away. I've just sucked one year off your life. Well, such as it is. Now then, to continue."
Thus it went, and Katie's list went something like this:
"For Galadriel's promise and your ignorance of who she *really* is." "For making up Temnaur, dragging my boyfriend into this, and for not realizing that *Gandalf comes back!*" "For not knowing that there are only *five* Istari. And those are wizards, by the way." "For rescuing that *stupid, ugly, smelly, and pathetic* raccoon, which don't even exist in Middle-earth!" "For the Argonath." "For Mordor." "For getting me stabbed with that dagger and causing me way more torture than I deserve!" "For kissing Frodo and Sam and making both into complete and total fools!" "For royally messing up the Uruk-Hai."
Katie paused and waited for Meriweather's last scream to die away. The Sue was shaking, whimpering, and in general generating a pitiful picture. But Katie didn't feel sorry for her. Far from it. She leaned close over Meriweather, snarling right in her face.
"And this last one is for Boromir. For degrading him. For making him love you. For killing him. For everything you have ever done to him, the canon you have shattered, and the lives you have destroyed by doing it." Katie's voice was so low that she was hissing her words, her fury so great that she was inches from wrapping her fingers around Meri-Sue's throat and wringing her neck.
"For all that, you deserve this." And she cranked the lever up to 'ten'. The shrieks and wails of the Sue had a pleasant sort of ring to them, but Katie wasn't listening anymore. She had yet to fulfill her promise to Boromir. And that meant getting on with the story, no matter what was to come.
At last, Katie switched the machine off, watching Meriweather go limp. Then the portal to Middle-earth formed. "Safer there than here," she muttered, leaving the Sue tied down. If she was lucky, Meri-Sue wouldn't be able to escape and that would stack the deck in her favor next time.
Darkness closed around her as she stepped through the doorway to Middle- earth, anticipating and also dreading her return. After all, Aragorn owed her. And what was scarier, he also would be the one to deal with her dagger-wound.
{Fun, fun, fun.}
{Shut up.}
[A/N: And so we reach the relative conclusion of "The Fellowship of the Ring". Your local fanfiction announcer would like to report the sequel beginning sometime next week, so stay tuned!]
To my forgiving reviewers:
Laura: I hope you got to go back and read the real version of Chapter 19! Hopefully it will answer all of your questions.
Violet Dawson: Thanks for the heads-up about the chapter. I appreciate your concern and support very much. And I keep meaning to finish reading the MIA Chronicles, but I haven't gotten that far yet. But what I have seen looks very entertaining.
Lady Moon: My sympathies about the canon also. I think we can officially say that all resemblance to Tolkien has officially gone out the window with the exception of names (and even those are in danger).
Silent Angel: Thank you also for the warning about my chapter. When I first saw your review I cringed and shuddered to think that you had to read the nasty version. And I'm pleased to have an avid fan. Can't say anyone's ever said that to me before. Again, thanks. And are you sure it won't be you? Mwahahaha . . .
Crimson Starlight: Her thoughts have returned, never fear! I think I got it right in this chapter, anyway. And it's always bound to get worse!
Eirtae: Ah, another confused one, to whom I profusely apologize . . . Chapter 19 has been reposted in its correct version, and if you haven't had the chance to read it, you may want to. All your questions/comments/opinions of Temnaur/Brian will be answered, I promise!
Azaelia Sapphire: As Meriweather/Katie is the primary character, only she has to be knocked unconscious to get Middle-earth back. Temnaur/Brian will logically follow. Oh, and the Sue's author is not through with Frodo and Sam. Not by a long shot.
Wen Quendalie: Ah, vindictive isn't a strong enough word for Meriweather. But Katie gets a little payback of her own, which I was very happy about. You'll have to read to see!
Rabia: Ah, my mission in life is complete! I've made you laugh in front of an entire room! With Saura'onna, no less! I feel very proud of myself, to say the least! Hee hee. And you'll have to see just how many of your suggestions come true . . .
Heero Yuy: I'm sure Katie would have liked it better too. Stupid Meriweather, getting to wish the hobbits well. And don't get me started on Boromir! Ai. Well, the Sue knows even less about the hobbits than she'll admit to, so if she thinks that Merry and Pippin are fighters, then I guess they're fighters. Those poor halflings don't even know what's what half the time! As for back to Middle-earth, you'll have to wait and see . . .
Mizalaye: Well, even if you don't want to know how it'll get worse, at least know that it will. Trust me. The stupid Sue author has gone and done something totally despicable with "The Two Towers." Oh, and Boromir dies. Besides, the Sue needs the chance to do a tragic death scene, and we wouldn't want her to miss the opportunity, would we?
Lightning: Thanks for your review! I did get the chance to visit your profile and read 'The Killer'. I can't remember right now if I read anything else, but 'The Killer' was very interesting. I kind of wish that the chapters were longer and had more detail, but I positively love the way Teruwyn talks. I don't know why, I just do! Such are the fickle ways of an author, I suppose . . .
Blaze: Aaah, but before Meriweather came along, Katie was schizophrenic by choice. Adding the Sue to the mix wasn't her doing, and now it's *really* crowded up there! I enjoyed your reviews, and I think your perseverance with this story is amazing!
Emerald: Glad to hear it! I hope it doesn't take you long to slog all the way to this chapter!
Fae: You know, you're the first one to make the bobby pin connection. Kudos! Temnaur actually has something to do with fire. I can't recall the exact translation right now . . . I'll look it up for later, promise. Oh, and I also promise to read Chapter One by tomorrow. I've been working these past few days and am zonked like you wouldn't believe. Ride swiftly, and avoid gopher holes!
WeasleyTwinsLover: You'll have to see which device came out on top in this chapter . . . but I did go with my personal favorite.
Contia Mirian: Well, now that you've explained it to me, my thank you still stands. And I hope you, Ice, do get around to reading those books someday. They start to grow on you after awhile. You are very welcome for the dedication.
MentalMidget008: You know, one of these days I'm going to give you spelling lessons. :-) That's okay, I love you anyway. I hope that you won't have to call me again over this chapter! Amin mela lle, melamin.
Shiggity-shiggity: Let's just put the whole romance thing this way: Katie finally has somebody that talks colloquial 21st century English! Forget Aragorn, Legolas, Éomer, etc. Meriweather on the other hand, or should I say her author, has some surprises in store on the romantic front. Coming soon in future chapters . . . mwahah.
Paperclip Princess: Forgive me if I don't quite understand the reference to paperclipping. I did find it amusing, however. And I pulled this chapter together so reviewers wouldn't start handing me death threats. I'm cowering beneath my bed as I type this, fearful that some vengeful reviewer will come crashing through my roof with a whip! Okay, maybe not, but you get the idea.
No one of Consequence: Oh, trust me . . . the raccoon is going to be a star. Everyone will either love or feel sorry for the raccoon. The Sue has plans for the raccoon. And *you* are one of the reviewers I'm worried about! Death threats? I think I'm going to move to some shack in the Alps where no one will find me . . .
AerinBrown: She was pushing him down the stairs as a form of revenge for drugging her earlier. And, oh yes, the boyfriend adds a whole new dimension to it. It'll only get stranger from here on out . . . By the way, THANK YOU for reading School's Out. Nobody ever reads that, but I've always loved writing it. You're the first person who's even glanced at it in a long time (besides my friends who read it all on my laptop anyway). You have no idea how happy that made me.
Kyae: I should have warned you: consumption of food and/or beverage while reading my fic can have rather messy results. Some of my readers have also reported to have made complete fools of themselves by laughing aloud in front of people who consequently believe them insane. :-) I hope you enjoy the update!
Alaina: Actually, Fae and I did a study on raccoons. Many believe that Tolkien wrote Middle-earth as an early form of Europe or Britain. Raccoons do not live in Europe. That's why some people find the fact that there were raccoons in 102 Dalmatians very upsetting. They've since been imported, but originally there were no raccoons in England. Ahem. Sorry for the history lesson. And amusing is my job, so as long as I'm doing it, I'm thrilled!
NightShade: Yeah, if you ever find a copy of that cookbook, I'd *love* to borrow it sometime. And Meriweather gets her comeuppance, you can be sure of that!
Celtic Dreamer: Or in this case, just there because the stupid Sue's author thought Gandalf needed replacing. How dumb! The question is, will Temnaur be taking the place of Boromir in the love triangle? Dun dun dunn . . .
Gate Keeper: Go on, you can have him. He'd probably say something like, "Live long and die by my blade," or something. Vulcan Lurtz . . . what's next? Klingon Orcs? On second thought . . . they *do* look something alike . . .
Fly Without Wings: You're telling me. How much more screwed up can it get?
Divine: Get back, evil fangirl! Just kidding. I've got a rather large one down inside of me, too. You should have heard me when I saw "The Two Towers" for the first time. It was *bad*. But at least I can confess my faults. Well, one of them. The other one is that my head swells when I get a fantastic review like yours. I mean it, I couldn't get through the doors in my house for a week!
ScarsOnAScribbler'sHeart: Calm down, I haven't even begun to touch the Edoras problem yet. I'm hoping the Sue might simmer down and decide to go *around* Edoras. It's not a good ploy, but hey, she's stupid, who knows? There's no true Brian this chapter, but next chapter I guarantee it. I'm sure he's got lots to say about all this!
Aaaaaaaaand now . . . give it up for . . . NightShade! Dedication of this chapter is solely, completely, and fully hers, in recognition of her good points, excellent observations, and great sense of humor. Thanks so much for all your reviews, and your loyalty in keeping with the story.
TRAPPED AS A MARY SUE
Chapter Twenty
Merry and Pippin charged forward bravely, followed closely by Meriweather and Temnaur. Their small swords were raised defiantly against the oncoming horde of Uruk-Hai, their faces set. A bolder picture could not be imagined. There was steel in every eye, steadfast courage in every being. Then the first wave hit.
The two hobbits lunged forward, wordless cries of attack poised on their tongues. They were never given the chance to use their bright blades; the Uruk-Hai slowed their headlong rush in recognition and two of the beasts in the lead snapped up the Halflings like fish to bait. Meriweather and Temnaur simply stood there, their expressions close to dumbfounded. Or perhaps just dumb.
It was not until Pippin's cry of, "Meriweather, help!" that the two galvanized into action. Their blades flashed as they met the Uruks head- on, regardless of anything resembling safety.
Meriweather tripped one, meeting the monster with a thrust to the stomach before spinning to cleave the head off another. Temnaur was chanting something, having somehow miraculously recovering his heretofore forgotten staff. The Uruks in the immediate vicinity were incinerated before Katie could blink. Well, if she had been able to blink, that is.
Before either could advance on their remaining enemies, a sudden shout was heard off to the right. Boromir came crashing through the brush, sword in hand, the Horn of Gondor bouncing wildly at his side.
"I have come to assist you, my lady," he said breathlessly, chopping at the nearest Uruk-Hai. "You are hurt, you must go to Aragorn. I shall help Temnaur with the rest of these creatures of Sauron. Go, now!"
Meriweather nodded quickly, dashing swiftly away in the direction she assumed Aragorn to be.
{Didn't her mother ever tell her not to run with knives?} Katie's voice wondered. {It'd be a pity if she were to fall on her sword.}
{Yes, a pity that we would both *die*!} Katie exclaimed. {If you are through with your helpful suggestions--}
{Sssh! Listen to Meriweather's thoughts.}
{You mean she actually has cognitive thinking abilities? I don't believe it!}
{Sssh!}
Indeed, once they fell silent, they could here a faint, echoing voice that could only belong to Meriweather.
"Surely this wound isn't too bad. I've got to go save Merry and Pippin! Those nasty-looking giant things will be halfway to Murdor by now!"
{Giant things?} her voice asked.
{*Murdor?!*} Katie screeched. She wanted to form some kind of insult, but the latest and greatest author misspelling had her too angry to mentally see straight.
And still oblivious to anything going on inside her cranium, Meriweather began to track the two Uruk-Hai with Merry and Pippin. She held her sword in front of her, ready for any attack. She could hear their heavy steps and the muffled yells of the hobbits as they struggled with their captors. Terror was plainly etched on their faces as Meriweather mounted a last rise. She dropped her sword and reached for her bow, knowing she was too far away to catch them unless she wanted to drop dead first from the poison, but also knowing that she could not miss the shot. Then the Horn of Gondor sounded.
The heavy cadence of pounding feet behind the Sue alerted her to the oncoming remains of the attacking force, as they realized their objective had been accomplished. They had the halflings. Meriweather dove to one side, rolling behind a handy piece of ancient statuary that effectively hid her from view. And though Meri-Sue wasn't the brightest crayon in the box (far from it, as you know), she wasn't quite stupid enough to try and take them all on at once.
As soon as they had all passed her position, Meriweather was on her feet, racing madly back the way she had come. Boromir had called, and she had to answer. She must! Something deep inside her knew that it was over. He would not have used the Horn otherwise.
The scene that lay before her was enough to break even Katie's heart.
{I knew he had to die . . . I just didn't want to actually see him do it.}
{It must happen. I know it won't help much, but remember that this isn't reality,} her voice comforted.
Boromir lay, pale and beaten, against a mossy hillock that propped him in a semi-upright position. The three arrows, crude and ugly, reminders of their maker, seemed to tremble with the beating of the man of Gondor's rapidly-failing heart.
"Boromir, no . . ." Meriweather whispered, stumbling slowly forward and falling to her knees beside him. He turned to gaze at her with blue-gray eyes that were piercing in their focus.
"Meriweather . . . I love you," he said, breath rasping horribly.
Katie recoiled, but held her peace, for the sake of the real Boromir that was in there, also dying. But here he would die comfortless, still in bondage to the Sue. And though Katie didn't want that, she could not change it.
"You gave your life for mine . . . you took my place. You are noble, Son of Gondor," Meriweather said. "I am so, so sorry."
"Do not be. I have done my duty, and I have proven my love. Promise me . . ." Boromir paused, coughing before continuing, "that you will not forget me, Meriweather."
She bent closer, brushing her lips against his. "I promise you, with all that I am, Boromir. I won't forget."
Boromir let out a small sigh, the signal that his soul had fled Middle- earth. And it had. At least, Meriweather's version of Boromir's soul. The real Boromir yet lived.
Katie sat up straight, suddenly in control again. That was it. Meriweather had fainted, due to the poison. But Katie knew her time would be short, and then it would be onto the battle. She knew that what little strength she yet possessed would be depleted quickly. But for that moment, all that mattered was Boromir.
He searched her face, though his eyes were beginning to dim. "Katie?" he whispered.
"Yes, yes, Boromir. She has left, for the moment. Please, forgive me for everything. I promise you that I'll avenge what she has done. But I can never repay what you've done for me. You defended me, guarded me, and most of all, been a friend. I'm sorry it must end this way." Katie felt tears spring to her eyes, and she unabashedly let them slide down her face. She didn't want him to die . . . he of all the Fellowship was the only one to have shown her true companionship and to have given her a sense of belonging.
His hand groped for hers and found it. "You are but a child, carrying the fate of all. I place no blame upon you."
Katie felt a presence beside her. It was Aragorn. She extricated herself, knowing that the natural forces that were now in play needed to have their way with things. Katie backed slowly away, before turning her back on Boromir and Aragorn. She snagged the sleeve of a lost-looking Temnaur and pulled him away with her.
{What's the deal? What's going on?} she demanded of her voice, wiping tears from her face, trying to keep her roiling emotions at bay.
{I should think you of all people would know that the story's finished. Done, finito, over. The movie ended, remember? Meriweather's fainted, Boromir's dead, Sam and Frodo have gone, Merry and Pippin have been carried off, and Legolas and Gimli are around here somewhere. The author's not writing any more right now. Therefore, you have control.}
Katie looked at Temnaur/Brian. {And what about him? Shouldn't the real guy behind this mask be shining through right now? I bet he's got some interesting things to tell me.}
Her voice sounded puzzled. {I'm not sure . . . he's the author's secondary character, so I think he's technically on 'Pause' right now. If he were unconscious, it'd be different. If you want Brian back, you'd better go knock your head into a tree and get the battle over with.}
She eyed the tall, broad-shouldered Marty Sam contemplatively. {What if I just grab a handy club-sized stick and bash him with it? Wouldn't that bring Brian out?}
{Maybe, maybe not. Who's to say? You could try it and then explain to him why he's got a concussion.}
{I'd better not. As much as I admire Aragorn, I don't think he knows anything about serious head injuries, to say nothing of brain surgery.}
A tiny pair of paws attached themselves to Katie's leg, and she jumped in reflex. It was Saura'onna, looking pretty pathetic. Her lip curled in disgust. "There are *no* raccoons in Middle-earth," Katie snarled down at the animal. "Go find a cliff to fall off of."
"Katie?"
"*Gah!*" she yelped and spun around. Legolas stood there, one knife gripped in a defensive posture. Gimli was rapidly trying to catch up to the elf. "Don't *do* that!"
The elf and dwarf ignored her outburst. "What has happened? We are ourselves again, as are you. What of the others?" Legolas questioned, sheathing his blade.
"Merry and Pippin have been taken by the enemy. Frodo and Sam escaped and have gone on to Mordor alone. Boromir is dying; he may have died already. Aragorn is with him, just over there." Katie could not hide the sadness in her voice, and she turned away from Legolas and Gimli as tears threatened to spill anew. She pressed a hand to her side, wincing at the shooting pain it caused. Her wound flared, and the world hazed out of focus for a moment.
{Just sit down. If you pass out, at least you'll have less of a distance to fall,} her voice advised. Shakily, Katie obeyed, and the pesky raccoon insisted upon curling up in her lap, apparently permanently brainwashed into some kind of docile pet. She lacked the energy to fling the animal away. Leaning her head back against a tree, she slowed her breathing and tried to remain coherent, losing ground quickly.
{I wish my stupid body would get it over with so I can get this straightened out . . . hey wait a doggone minute. If Meriweather's story is over, then why haven't I been returned home yet? What is the author waiting for?}
{Apparently you missed the 'To Be Continued' note at the end of the fanfic. The author's going to see "The Two Towers" this weekend. And then from there . . .}
Thankfully, Katie was leaving reality behind and didn't quite grasp the monumental significance of her voice's statement, until she found herself face-to-face once more with Meriweather. And boy was she prepared to deal out pain and torture like the Sue had never seen before.
"Hello, Meriweather," she smiled demonically when the Sue woke up. Katie had been fortunate enough to catch Meriweather by surprise, and that had allowed her to stun the Sue long enough to strap her to the device she had appropriated.
Meriweather made no response and Katie circled around the raised table, checking the bindings and other various paraphernalia she had attached to the Sue. "I don't think you recognize this lovely little machine, do you? You probably haven't even read "The Princess Bride," much less seen the movie. What a pity. I guess you'll have to learn about Count Rugen's machine the hard way."
Katie made a few final adjustments before moving to stand at Meriweather's head, glaring directly down into her multi-hued eyes. "This is of course the dumbed-down version presented in the movie. I don't want to take the time with the one in the book, because my list of incidents that require revenge is way too long to bother. And I don't know how it will work with fictional characters, so this should be educational for both of us."
She stepped back and rested one hand on the lever that was currently set to 'zero'. "Now then. To begin. This is for Aragorn." And she raised the level to 'one'.
Meriweather, who up until that moment had never screamed in pain over anything, was howling her lungs out, writhing in agony, jerking against her bonds. Katie watched for a moment, a half-smile on her face. Then she reset the lever to 'zero'.
"That was the first of my list. What did you think? Because that's going to happen a lot more, I guarantee. And in case you're wondering the significance of the numbers? This little baby sucks years of life away. I've just sucked one year off your life. Well, such as it is. Now then, to continue."
Thus it went, and Katie's list went something like this:
"For Galadriel's promise and your ignorance of who she *really* is." "For making up Temnaur, dragging my boyfriend into this, and for not realizing that *Gandalf comes back!*" "For not knowing that there are only *five* Istari. And those are wizards, by the way." "For rescuing that *stupid, ugly, smelly, and pathetic* raccoon, which don't even exist in Middle-earth!" "For the Argonath." "For Mordor." "For getting me stabbed with that dagger and causing me way more torture than I deserve!" "For kissing Frodo and Sam and making both into complete and total fools!" "For royally messing up the Uruk-Hai."
Katie paused and waited for Meriweather's last scream to die away. The Sue was shaking, whimpering, and in general generating a pitiful picture. But Katie didn't feel sorry for her. Far from it. She leaned close over Meriweather, snarling right in her face.
"And this last one is for Boromir. For degrading him. For making him love you. For killing him. For everything you have ever done to him, the canon you have shattered, and the lives you have destroyed by doing it." Katie's voice was so low that she was hissing her words, her fury so great that she was inches from wrapping her fingers around Meri-Sue's throat and wringing her neck.
"For all that, you deserve this." And she cranked the lever up to 'ten'. The shrieks and wails of the Sue had a pleasant sort of ring to them, but Katie wasn't listening anymore. She had yet to fulfill her promise to Boromir. And that meant getting on with the story, no matter what was to come.
At last, Katie switched the machine off, watching Meriweather go limp. Then the portal to Middle-earth formed. "Safer there than here," she muttered, leaving the Sue tied down. If she was lucky, Meri-Sue wouldn't be able to escape and that would stack the deck in her favor next time.
Darkness closed around her as she stepped through the doorway to Middle- earth, anticipating and also dreading her return. After all, Aragorn owed her. And what was scarier, he also would be the one to deal with her dagger-wound.
{Fun, fun, fun.}
{Shut up.}
[A/N: And so we reach the relative conclusion of "The Fellowship of the Ring". Your local fanfiction announcer would like to report the sequel beginning sometime next week, so stay tuned!]
