A/N: I've noticed something, Artemis Fowl stories get reviews very quickly.
If anyone is OOC, sorry, but it makes it funny.
Replies to reviews:
Crazygirly007: You now get to see what happens, and you think I would let Holly get any long term injury? Come on! She's my second favorite character! Artemis is up front! Thanks for being so encouraging!
Vana Burke: Thanks a lot for the positive input.
Random Comment-er: Um, are you slow or something? There are plenty of guys on Ffn.net! Come on! A lot of them are in the Anime section though. Maybe not much in Artemis Fowl, but what do I care?
Dreamy-eyes: If you can't imagine Artemis using a weapon, you lack imagination then, or you didn't read Arctic Incident thouroughly. He makes a promise on the train to work out or something like that. Artemis has toned up and is packin' heat now! WOOHOO! And for your second point, this is PG-13 mad by yours truly. If you want unnecessary cussing, read ITOP. But seriously, you get bitch-slapped by Holly and have a heavy shelf fall on top of you and you didn't get knocked out, would you cuss? I know I would. But maybe that's me.
none 'o your damn bee's wax: Ooookay then. Your review was beyond pointless.
spider-elf: What are you confused about? Oh well, hopefully this'll help clear it up.
Lazer6eam: Sorry if you get lost sometimes, I still can't get html code down.
I also promote honest reviews, please give me an honest oppinion and help point out mistakes I may have made, I mean, sure you going, "Oh it was so fantastic!" and that's it is nice, but not really helpful.
____________________________________________________________________________ _
Chapter 3: My Arms Hurt, My Legs Hurt, My Head Hurts, My Stomach Hurts, Hell! Even My Balls Hurt!
__________________________________________________________________________
*Outside Room A395682, LEP Infirmary; 11:11*
"TROLLS! RUN FOR IT! LEP! LEP! WE NEED THE LEP!" they heard.
A LEP agent ran up to Commander Root and told him that there were big, rampaging, bull trolls thrashing the city and so far they counted 12 but they heard more were coming.
"What the hell is goin' on here?! Rampaging bull trolls attacking Haven?! They've never dont that before!" Commander Root yelled.
"Well apparently they are doing it now, what's our priority? Checking on Artemis now fight the trolls later or vice versa?" asked Butler.
"The Mud Boy will live, right now lets fight the trolls." Root answered.
He took out his triple-barreled blaster, checked the gauge and said to Butler," You'll need more than your Sig Sauer for this, there's a gun rack over there, go get the Neutrino 2000, those are good."
So Butler did. They ran outside with there guns set to stun, and saw 14 large bull trolls running around smashing up buildings, tossing billboards, and generally just trashing everything in sight.
"D'arvit! Where's the LEP?!" Root yelled. A large rock hit him upside the head but luckily he was wearing a new, updated version of the LEP helmet made and patented by Foaly of course. So no damage there," WHO THREW THAT! STUPID TROLL! YAH!" Root opened fire and was ramming shots home in the troll and after 8 shots it was down, of course it wasn't 8 rounds that hit the troll, it was 24, who cares?
"HAH HAH! I am Julius Root! I am undefeata-UMPH!" Thud. Root got knocked out by a billboard.
*Meanwhile in the LEP Infirmary...*
Foaly was an office boy, he wasn't about to go running around with a gun shooting down trolls, oh no, to much work. He went into the room to check on Holly and Artemis because last he heard, Artemis was in pain. He cautiously opened the door and looked, no one in the bed. He checked the room from left to right, and on the far side of the room was Holly with the bandages wrapped aroundd her chest still in the LEP jumpsuit but only up to the waist, she seemed to be trying to lift a big shelf off of, some groaning mass which Foaly quickly realized was Artemis!
"Oh my!" Foaly said.
"Foaly! Get your pansy self over here and help me!" Holly yelled. She was attempting to lift the shelf but to no avail, and Artemis looked pretty bad. Foaly quickly clopped over and helped lift it up, it was going up slowly, just enough room to get Artemis out.
"Holly! Get him out! Hurry!" Foaly yelled, Holly let go and quickly dragged him out. Foaly let go and the shelf fell with a crash. Foaly looked down at Artemis, he had lots of cuts and bruises started to appear, a black eye, bloody nose, broken and/or dislocated left arm, may have a broken spine, Artemis was definitely thrashed and unconscious.
"What did you do to him and what did he do to deserve that?" Foaly asked.
"Umm, well I slapped him and he fell into the shelf and the shelf fell and landed on him." Holly said.
"Well what did he do to deserve that though?" Foaly asked.
"I'm not wearing a top! He was looking at my boobs, hey, stop looking you perverted centaur!" Holly shrieked and punched him in the gut earning a satisfying grunt.
"OW! SORRY! JEEZ! YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE SO MEAN!" Foaly whimpered, actually yelled, actually it was a little bit of both.
"Artemis needs medical attention and fast." Foaly said.
"Well then call a warlock paramedic! I barely have enough magic now to make a flower sprout!" Holly yelled.
"Okay, okay! Keep your pants on, seriously!" Foaly yelled. Holly saw that her pants were starting to sag, she grabbed them and pulled them up, she was fully healed and had barely any magic left. Foaly didn't need to call the medics as a few came to see what all the ruckus was about.
"Oh my! What happened to the Mud Boy!" said one.
"Just heal him!" Holly and Foaly yelled in unison. The medics obliged. Four sets of hand sent out waves of sparks dancing around Artemis's wounds. Most of them centered around the lower portion of his spine on his back. Not a good sign. After they sparks disappeared the warlocks got up.
"He won't be able to walk for around half an hour, I suggest you get him on the bed or in a chair." said one, then they left. Holly and Foaly lay Artemis in the bed that was previously Holly's. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he slowly sat up. He was still groggy.
"Ohh, my arms hurt, my legs hurt, my head hurts, my stomach hurts, Hell! Even my balls hurt!" Artemis complained.
"Suck it up then Mud Boy!" Holly yelled.
"What happened? I feel like I got run over by a lorry." Artemis groaned out.
"No, no no, Holly was the one who got run down by a lorry, you just had a shelf fall on top of you." Foaly said," Actually it was a runaway cart holding a heavy load that ran down Holly but close enough."
"Shut up Foaly, before I bop you upside the head." Holly snapped.
CRASH! BOOM!
"What was that?" Holly asked.
"Oh no! I forgot! Haven's being attacked by trolls!" Foaly yelled.
"What!" Holly and Artemis yelled.
"Holly, you stay with Fowl, I have to go to the Ops booth." Foaly said.
"Why do I have to stay with him!" Holly complained.
"Because he can't walk and you're the only one good with a gun!" Foaly yelled and sped off to the Ops booth.
Holly, sighed and sat at the foot of the bed. She went out to get her Neutrino 2000 and came back. She notched the setting to stun just in case.
"So Captain Short, why did you call me a perverted Mud Boy and slap me across the room again?" Artemis asked.
"You were lookin' at my boobs and I don't have a top on! You expect me to let you get away with it!?" Holly yelled.
"I wasn't looking at your breasts! And you have a thick layer of bandages wrapped around you that works better than any average shirt!" Artemis shot back," You think I'm some Peeping Tom or something!?"
"You were looking at my breasts! I saw you! It doesn't matter if I'm wearing anything or not! You were looking! That's the whole point!"
"Fine, whatever. So, what happened to you?"
"I got run over by a cart."
"No really, what happened?"
"I told you, I was run over by a cart!"
"Come on already! What happened!"
"I'm serious! I was run over by a cart!"
" HA HA HA HA! OH MY SIDE! AH HA HA HA! I HAVEN'T LAUGHED THIS HARD IN YEARS! HA HA! HOW DID YOU, You, ohhh, I'm calm, okay. How did you get run over by a cart?"
"It was an accident and I was to busy thinking to notice it 'til I was hit, now shut up before I shoot you."
"Why is it that I belive you?"
"Because I would."
"Okay, I'll go back to sleep then..."
*Meanwhile outside in Haven...*
"Commander Root! Are you okay?" Butler yelled. The only response was a groan, Root was unconscious, "Oh boy. Well, looks like I'm in this alone."
Butler saw a troll coming his way, about 500 yards was all that stood between him and the troll. Butler opened fire but the creature was unfazed and still coming. He cranked the setting up two notches and he heard it start to hum lightly, he let loose three rounds and three small holes appeared in the troll, blood oozing out of the wounds, it kept coming. He decided to keep blasting, ten shots later it got knocked out from blood loss, tripped, and skidded around 10 feet to stop at Butler's toes.
"Wow." was all Butler said. At that point he saw a brigade of LEP officers taking down 4 cornered trolls. Make that 4 BIG cornered trolls. Butler ran over to help, he put it back to stun and aimed at the neck, a spot that should be weak Butler reasoned. He shot, and WHUMPF! The troll was down!
'So trolls do have a weak point.' Butler thought, then out loud,"Aim for the base of the neck! It's the weak point!"
The LEP got it, aimed, and fired, a bit much considering one shot would have done, but 7 or 8 shots apiece was fine too.
"Good job Mud Man."It was Trouble, he came over and looked up, WAY up at Butler, " Good thinkin', you really helped us out there, guess you aren't that bad after all." That was a lot coming from Trouble.
"Thank you, but you better get some medics to Commander Root, he got hit over the head with a billboard and is out cold." Butler said.
"Commander Root! Come on troops! We got a man down!" Trouble yelled.
"Sir, yes sir!" Retrieval One replied.
They marched out and with every step they would say,"Hut!". 'Too many movies.' thought Butler. He looked around Haven from his spot and saw that it was well and thouroughly trashed. Buildings were decimated, warehouses half destroyed, medics running all over Haven helping the wounded, lights thrown everywhere. Fires were everywhere and the smoke collected at the roof of the huge cavern, filtering through small shafts leading to above ground. He sighed and went back to the room where Artemis would be, watching over Holly. 'I wonder if there's more to the relationship between those two than what they let on.' Butler thought, grinning at the thought of Artemis having a crush on someone, even if that someone may be an elf. When he got into the Infirmary, he went to the room, or rather, got lost 16 times, and then asked for someone to lead him to the room, got lost with them 14 times, asked someone else, was led by them and got lost 23 times because the person was stubborn and finally got there by sheer accident. It was really quite interesting actually.
*Room A395682, LEP Infirmary, Haven; 12:03*
"I can get up now." Artemis said, waking up from a not so peaceful slumber, he saw that Holly had fallen asleep, her head on his knees. He looked at her and saw how peaceful she looked. 'Beautiful yet deadly, wait, hold up! Did I just use beautiful to describe her!? Pretty maybe but, ah screw it! Times change! I've changed, for the better too. Hormones, that's all it is. Entirely normal. Body senses the estrogen, testosterone is let out and affects my brain processes. Yeah, that's it.' Artemis thought, waging a little war in his head trying to figure out why he used the word 'Beautiful' to describe Holly. Holly stirred and woke up. She stretched out her arms and yawned, her back towards Artemis. He noted that Holly had grown out her hair a little, her shiny auburn hair dangling a little below shoulder level.
"Finally decided to wake up Captain Short?" Artemis said.
"GAAHH! Crap! Don't do that!" Holly shrieked.
"Spook you? So Captain Short does get scared easily, a wonder Foaly was right about that." Artemis said.
Just then the door was opened and Butler stepped in accompanied by Foaly.
"Amazing! The two of you are still alive, conscious and not bleeding! It's a miracle!" Foaly yelled sarcastically.
Just then, from the room next door, they heard Chix Verbil say," My arms hurt, my legs hurt, my head hurts, my stomach hurts, Hell! Even my balls hurt!" Artemis, Holly, and Foaly were frozen, mouths open wide, amazed that the same exact words Artemis had used were repeated exactly word for word, then they burst out laughing like hyenas.
~FIN~
A/N: Well, there you go, Chapter 3. Happy now? Read and review please. And make sure you tell me what you really think of it, don't just go, "Oh it was so funny!" or some crap like that, that doesn't really help any.
Replies to reviews:
Crazygirly007: You now get to see what happens, and you think I would let Holly get any long term injury? Come on! She's my second favorite character! Artemis is up front! Thanks for being so encouraging!
Vana Burke: Thanks a lot for the positive input.
Random Comment-er: Um, are you slow or something? There are plenty of guys on Ffn.net! Come on! A lot of them are in the Anime section though. Maybe not much in Artemis Fowl, but what do I care?
Dreamy-eyes: If you can't imagine Artemis using a weapon, you lack imagination then, or you didn't read Arctic Incident thouroughly. He makes a promise on the train to work out or something like that. Artemis has toned up and is packin' heat now! WOOHOO! And for your second point, this is PG-13 mad by yours truly. If you want unnecessary cussing, read ITOP. But seriously, you get bitch-slapped by Holly and have a heavy shelf fall on top of you and you didn't get knocked out, would you cuss? I know I would. But maybe that's me.
none 'o your damn bee's wax: Ooookay then. Your review was beyond pointless.
spider-elf: What are you confused about? Oh well, hopefully this'll help clear it up.
Lazer6eam: Sorry if you get lost sometimes, I still can't get html code down.
I also promote honest reviews, please give me an honest oppinion and help point out mistakes I may have made, I mean, sure you going, "Oh it was so fantastic!" and that's it is nice, but not really helpful.
____________________________________________________________________________ _
Chapter 3: My Arms Hurt, My Legs Hurt, My Head Hurts, My Stomach Hurts, Hell! Even My Balls Hurt!
__________________________________________________________________________
*Outside Room A395682, LEP Infirmary; 11:11*
"TROLLS! RUN FOR IT! LEP! LEP! WE NEED THE LEP!" they heard.
A LEP agent ran up to Commander Root and told him that there were big, rampaging, bull trolls thrashing the city and so far they counted 12 but they heard more were coming.
"What the hell is goin' on here?! Rampaging bull trolls attacking Haven?! They've never dont that before!" Commander Root yelled.
"Well apparently they are doing it now, what's our priority? Checking on Artemis now fight the trolls later or vice versa?" asked Butler.
"The Mud Boy will live, right now lets fight the trolls." Root answered.
He took out his triple-barreled blaster, checked the gauge and said to Butler," You'll need more than your Sig Sauer for this, there's a gun rack over there, go get the Neutrino 2000, those are good."
So Butler did. They ran outside with there guns set to stun, and saw 14 large bull trolls running around smashing up buildings, tossing billboards, and generally just trashing everything in sight.
"D'arvit! Where's the LEP?!" Root yelled. A large rock hit him upside the head but luckily he was wearing a new, updated version of the LEP helmet made and patented by Foaly of course. So no damage there," WHO THREW THAT! STUPID TROLL! YAH!" Root opened fire and was ramming shots home in the troll and after 8 shots it was down, of course it wasn't 8 rounds that hit the troll, it was 24, who cares?
"HAH HAH! I am Julius Root! I am undefeata-UMPH!" Thud. Root got knocked out by a billboard.
*Meanwhile in the LEP Infirmary...*
Foaly was an office boy, he wasn't about to go running around with a gun shooting down trolls, oh no, to much work. He went into the room to check on Holly and Artemis because last he heard, Artemis was in pain. He cautiously opened the door and looked, no one in the bed. He checked the room from left to right, and on the far side of the room was Holly with the bandages wrapped aroundd her chest still in the LEP jumpsuit but only up to the waist, she seemed to be trying to lift a big shelf off of, some groaning mass which Foaly quickly realized was Artemis!
"Oh my!" Foaly said.
"Foaly! Get your pansy self over here and help me!" Holly yelled. She was attempting to lift the shelf but to no avail, and Artemis looked pretty bad. Foaly quickly clopped over and helped lift it up, it was going up slowly, just enough room to get Artemis out.
"Holly! Get him out! Hurry!" Foaly yelled, Holly let go and quickly dragged him out. Foaly let go and the shelf fell with a crash. Foaly looked down at Artemis, he had lots of cuts and bruises started to appear, a black eye, bloody nose, broken and/or dislocated left arm, may have a broken spine, Artemis was definitely thrashed and unconscious.
"What did you do to him and what did he do to deserve that?" Foaly asked.
"Umm, well I slapped him and he fell into the shelf and the shelf fell and landed on him." Holly said.
"Well what did he do to deserve that though?" Foaly asked.
"I'm not wearing a top! He was looking at my boobs, hey, stop looking you perverted centaur!" Holly shrieked and punched him in the gut earning a satisfying grunt.
"OW! SORRY! JEEZ! YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE SO MEAN!" Foaly whimpered, actually yelled, actually it was a little bit of both.
"Artemis needs medical attention and fast." Foaly said.
"Well then call a warlock paramedic! I barely have enough magic now to make a flower sprout!" Holly yelled.
"Okay, okay! Keep your pants on, seriously!" Foaly yelled. Holly saw that her pants were starting to sag, she grabbed them and pulled them up, she was fully healed and had barely any magic left. Foaly didn't need to call the medics as a few came to see what all the ruckus was about.
"Oh my! What happened to the Mud Boy!" said one.
"Just heal him!" Holly and Foaly yelled in unison. The medics obliged. Four sets of hand sent out waves of sparks dancing around Artemis's wounds. Most of them centered around the lower portion of his spine on his back. Not a good sign. After they sparks disappeared the warlocks got up.
"He won't be able to walk for around half an hour, I suggest you get him on the bed or in a chair." said one, then they left. Holly and Foaly lay Artemis in the bed that was previously Holly's. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he slowly sat up. He was still groggy.
"Ohh, my arms hurt, my legs hurt, my head hurts, my stomach hurts, Hell! Even my balls hurt!" Artemis complained.
"Suck it up then Mud Boy!" Holly yelled.
"What happened? I feel like I got run over by a lorry." Artemis groaned out.
"No, no no, Holly was the one who got run down by a lorry, you just had a shelf fall on top of you." Foaly said," Actually it was a runaway cart holding a heavy load that ran down Holly but close enough."
"Shut up Foaly, before I bop you upside the head." Holly snapped.
CRASH! BOOM!
"What was that?" Holly asked.
"Oh no! I forgot! Haven's being attacked by trolls!" Foaly yelled.
"What!" Holly and Artemis yelled.
"Holly, you stay with Fowl, I have to go to the Ops booth." Foaly said.
"Why do I have to stay with him!" Holly complained.
"Because he can't walk and you're the only one good with a gun!" Foaly yelled and sped off to the Ops booth.
Holly, sighed and sat at the foot of the bed. She went out to get her Neutrino 2000 and came back. She notched the setting to stun just in case.
"So Captain Short, why did you call me a perverted Mud Boy and slap me across the room again?" Artemis asked.
"You were lookin' at my boobs and I don't have a top on! You expect me to let you get away with it!?" Holly yelled.
"I wasn't looking at your breasts! And you have a thick layer of bandages wrapped around you that works better than any average shirt!" Artemis shot back," You think I'm some Peeping Tom or something!?"
"You were looking at my breasts! I saw you! It doesn't matter if I'm wearing anything or not! You were looking! That's the whole point!"
"Fine, whatever. So, what happened to you?"
"I got run over by a cart."
"No really, what happened?"
"I told you, I was run over by a cart!"
"Come on already! What happened!"
"I'm serious! I was run over by a cart!"
" HA HA HA HA! OH MY SIDE! AH HA HA HA! I HAVEN'T LAUGHED THIS HARD IN YEARS! HA HA! HOW DID YOU, You, ohhh, I'm calm, okay. How did you get run over by a cart?"
"It was an accident and I was to busy thinking to notice it 'til I was hit, now shut up before I shoot you."
"Why is it that I belive you?"
"Because I would."
"Okay, I'll go back to sleep then..."
*Meanwhile outside in Haven...*
"Commander Root! Are you okay?" Butler yelled. The only response was a groan, Root was unconscious, "Oh boy. Well, looks like I'm in this alone."
Butler saw a troll coming his way, about 500 yards was all that stood between him and the troll. Butler opened fire but the creature was unfazed and still coming. He cranked the setting up two notches and he heard it start to hum lightly, he let loose three rounds and three small holes appeared in the troll, blood oozing out of the wounds, it kept coming. He decided to keep blasting, ten shots later it got knocked out from blood loss, tripped, and skidded around 10 feet to stop at Butler's toes.
"Wow." was all Butler said. At that point he saw a brigade of LEP officers taking down 4 cornered trolls. Make that 4 BIG cornered trolls. Butler ran over to help, he put it back to stun and aimed at the neck, a spot that should be weak Butler reasoned. He shot, and WHUMPF! The troll was down!
'So trolls do have a weak point.' Butler thought, then out loud,"Aim for the base of the neck! It's the weak point!"
The LEP got it, aimed, and fired, a bit much considering one shot would have done, but 7 or 8 shots apiece was fine too.
"Good job Mud Man."It was Trouble, he came over and looked up, WAY up at Butler, " Good thinkin', you really helped us out there, guess you aren't that bad after all." That was a lot coming from Trouble.
"Thank you, but you better get some medics to Commander Root, he got hit over the head with a billboard and is out cold." Butler said.
"Commander Root! Come on troops! We got a man down!" Trouble yelled.
"Sir, yes sir!" Retrieval One replied.
They marched out and with every step they would say,"Hut!". 'Too many movies.' thought Butler. He looked around Haven from his spot and saw that it was well and thouroughly trashed. Buildings were decimated, warehouses half destroyed, medics running all over Haven helping the wounded, lights thrown everywhere. Fires were everywhere and the smoke collected at the roof of the huge cavern, filtering through small shafts leading to above ground. He sighed and went back to the room where Artemis would be, watching over Holly. 'I wonder if there's more to the relationship between those two than what they let on.' Butler thought, grinning at the thought of Artemis having a crush on someone, even if that someone may be an elf. When he got into the Infirmary, he went to the room, or rather, got lost 16 times, and then asked for someone to lead him to the room, got lost with them 14 times, asked someone else, was led by them and got lost 23 times because the person was stubborn and finally got there by sheer accident. It was really quite interesting actually.
*Room A395682, LEP Infirmary, Haven; 12:03*
"I can get up now." Artemis said, waking up from a not so peaceful slumber, he saw that Holly had fallen asleep, her head on his knees. He looked at her and saw how peaceful she looked. 'Beautiful yet deadly, wait, hold up! Did I just use beautiful to describe her!? Pretty maybe but, ah screw it! Times change! I've changed, for the better too. Hormones, that's all it is. Entirely normal. Body senses the estrogen, testosterone is let out and affects my brain processes. Yeah, that's it.' Artemis thought, waging a little war in his head trying to figure out why he used the word 'Beautiful' to describe Holly. Holly stirred and woke up. She stretched out her arms and yawned, her back towards Artemis. He noted that Holly had grown out her hair a little, her shiny auburn hair dangling a little below shoulder level.
"Finally decided to wake up Captain Short?" Artemis said.
"GAAHH! Crap! Don't do that!" Holly shrieked.
"Spook you? So Captain Short does get scared easily, a wonder Foaly was right about that." Artemis said.
Just then the door was opened and Butler stepped in accompanied by Foaly.
"Amazing! The two of you are still alive, conscious and not bleeding! It's a miracle!" Foaly yelled sarcastically.
Just then, from the room next door, they heard Chix Verbil say," My arms hurt, my legs hurt, my head hurts, my stomach hurts, Hell! Even my balls hurt!" Artemis, Holly, and Foaly were frozen, mouths open wide, amazed that the same exact words Artemis had used were repeated exactly word for word, then they burst out laughing like hyenas.
~FIN~
A/N: Well, there you go, Chapter 3. Happy now? Read and review please. And make sure you tell me what you really think of it, don't just go, "Oh it was so funny!" or some crap like that, that doesn't really help any.
