DISCLAIMER:
I do not own the characters, unfortunately, that privelage belongs to J.K.
Rowling and Warner Bros. I do however own the story line and any ideas
going with it. Please don't sue because I am only a poor girl whose
imagination cannot come up with any original ideas for a world she could
write in.
Love and Other Passions - Chapter Five - As Time Goes On, Why Do I Still Hate Myself?
Five years later...
~~~~
The main corridor of Hogwarts was a shambles, students running every which way, most moving towards the main doors to go home for the summer holidays. Hermione stood at the doors to the Great Hall, watching them with no feeling in her heart. She had her own worries on her mind. There was a reunion for all students at the school in 1995 coming in a week, and Hermione wondered if she would actually know anyone who turned up.
In the five years that had passed, alot had happened to Hermione and the wizarding world. In her second year as Professor Granger, Lord Voldemort had struck for the final time. The good magic-folk of the world had been ready for him and his group this time, amassing a huge band of witches and wizards to fight him. She had lost Harry in this war, and most of her other friends, whom she had made in her years as teacher and student at Hogwarts. Voldemort was cut down and the most powerful of their kind made certain he would never come back. Hermione had been devastated by the loss, since she had not spoken to Harry since their last day of school.
Draco weighed heavily on her mind also, having not seen him since then either. She had no idea whether he had even joined in the fighting, on either side, as there had been no word of him. Severus had fought, coming face to face with the bastard himself, and living, which was a tale that he supposed he would never have been able to tell before that day. Although Hermione still held strong feelings for Severus, they had not met in that way since that night all those years ago, and she regretting in thinking it, but she missed him dearly as though he had been her lover for many years. She had never found another man whom she thought could match Severus' appeal, his strength and most certainly never match his knowledge.
Hermione sighed heavily as the last of the students left for the Hogwarts Express and turned away from the happy scene, still believing that she could never find love again, or a joy to make all things right. She still injected herself, with the serum that kept her vampiric urges at bay, knowing that if she laxed in those for only a moment, she would find herself in an even worse place that she already was.
Wandering through the now silent halls towards her room on the fifth floor, Hermione watched the cold stone floor, likening it to the grey of Draco's eyes, the hunger in her heart and the love she once knew that was no more. These depressing thoughts had become the norm in her life, and although it did not show on the outside, she knew that it would eventually one day and she would have to leave her position at Hogwarts and look for comfort in some other part of the world.
As she walked towards her room, she didn't notice the pair of eyes staring at her from the rafters above, nor the beat of wings as the eyes took on personality and moved in the opposite direction to her. She didn't even notice the heavy beat of footsteps until she had bumped into the figure they belonged to. Lifting her eyes, she saw the black cloak, with the high neck-covering collar, black waves framing a paled face and it wasn't until she looked to the equally dark orbs that she focused and recognised the one she had knocked.
"Sorry Severus." Hermione blurted, bending to help him clean up the spray of papers she had unintentionally pushed from his arms.
"Don't mention it Hermione." he replied, his voice sending shivers up her spine, until she remembered that she had a query to put to him.
"Can you help me with a question I have sometime soon?" Hermione asked, handing the parchment she had collected.
"S...sure." Severus stammered. He had never done that infront of her before, and although she had heard rumors that he had a stutter since he was a child, this was the first time she had ever encountered it.
"It's got to do with... the thing that..." Hermione started to explain.
"Come with me to my room, we can talk there." Severus suggested.
Hermione nodded and followed him, not really watching anything, like she was when she first bumped into him. Her eyes watches his feet, down the stairs in into the dungeon, moving slowly above his knees at the door to the Potions classroom and when they reached his personal rooms, moving towards his groin. She stopped and looked away, trying to keep her mind on what she was there for. Although, she had noticed the tension in his pants, and couldn't lie to herself about her own condition.
Severus placed the papers on his desk and sat on the tall chair, looking at her strangely, as if to ask why she was there.
"Oh, sorry. I blanked for a second there. Um, this serum we're using, is there any possibility that we could start to become immune to it?" Hermione said, not looking at him at all, thinking that might be the best way to avert the thoughts she knew would come to her.
"No, because it is mixed with blood, and we don't normally carry any in our system that is ours alone, there is no way that we could. Was that all?" Severus asked, trying to draw her eyes to his.
"Yeah, I'll leave you alone now so you can get on with whatever you were doing." Hermione mumbled, heading for the door.
Just as she was about to close the door, she heard Severus call to her, "Wait, Hermione... we really do need to talk."
Hermione stepped back into the room and closed the door behind her, waiting for what Severus had to say.
"I do not entirely know why things have worked out the way they have, but I would like you to know that I still have strong feelings for you." Severus said, his face emotionless.
"And I you, but I do not think that we could rekindle what we had that night." Hermione replied.
"I don't expect to Hermione, I want you, not the sex." Severus said firmly.
Hermione was flustered, she couldn't think. So many months of feeling nothing but deep depression had blocked her mind from considering that this moment would ever happen and now that it had, Hermione had no idea what to do or say.
"I... Severus, I'm sorry, but..." Hermione started to say, but before she could get the words out, ran out the door.
Hermione fled from the room, the emotional stakes too high. After all these years, Severus was finally making a stand and doing something about it, but it had been so long. Could she deal with the possibility of having her heart crushed again?
She slammed the door behind her, falling on her neatly made bed and crying. Exhausted from that alone, she fell asleep without a moments hesitation. It was all too much.
~~~~
It must have been hours, because the room was dark, lit only by a few candles, which Dobby most likely, would have lit for her. He had been her only hope of sanity, the only person who listened to her and knew what she felt. Not even Severus had tried to comfort her after Harry's death. Dobby on the other hand, had been quite fond of Harry, especially after he saved him from the clutches of Lucius Malfoy in their second year at Hogwarts. He had done everything in his house elf power to make the time less painful, to ease some of the hurt that had almost consumed Hermione.
She had a short, uneasy shower, quickly dressing and making her way to the Great Hall, where she sat, playing wizard's chess against herself to pass the time. Hermione had seen Severus pass the doors on more than one occasion, sometimes looking into the hall, other times, he seemed intent on whatever he was reading. She tried her hardest to ignore him.
"Hermione, we have a problem." Severus called as he entered the Hall, flagged by Remus Lupin and Sirius Black, two faces Hermione had not seen in more than a few years.
"What, Draco's back?" Hermione asked, sounding more than a little uninterested.
"There's a vampire on the grounds. Remus found some partially eaten birds and rabbits near the edge of the forest." Sirius replied, looking at her worried.
"So how am I supposed to help? Wave my wand say abra ka-fucking-dabra and make them disappear?" Hermione sarcastically spat in Severus' direction.
"Hermione, don't worry, Albus just thought that you would enjoy the lesson on how to destroy one." Severus snarled, walking away.
Hermione glanced in their direction, noting the way that Remus looked at her confused and Sirius watched Severus even more confused than Remus.
"Remus, don't say a word. It's been kept a secret for this long, neither of us need it getting around now." Hermione warned.
"I wasn't going to say a thing, but wizards chess is kind of boring to play against yourself, thought you might like a bit of a walk." Remus suggested, gesturing that Sirius go with Severus.
Sirius raced off to catch up with him, leaving Remus alone with Hermione.
"When did it all happen?" Remus asked.
"Which bit? The vampirism or the sexual conflict?" Hermione asked, not looking at him.
"Both." Remus replied, sitting beside her at the table.
Hermione preceeded to tell him about the past six years, which just showed how long it had been since they'd seen each other.
"So how are you coping other than all that you've just told me?" Remus asked.
"I'm coping?" Hermione rhetorically replied.
As she finished the sentence, Severus and Sirius strode into the Hall, dragging a very weak-looking Draco behind them. He struggled to no avail to be free from their grasp.
"We found this stalking a deer by Hagrid's hut." Severus snarled, throwing his side to the floor.
"I must be psychic." Hermione sighed, standing, "What do you reckon? Ran out of serum or just didn't take it?"
"Most likely ran out a long time ago. I don't think he knows where to get all the ingredients, and by the time he would have found them, he would have bitten someone, and he couldn't have lived with that." Severus replied.
Hermione dug a hand into her cloak pocket and threw a small object to Severus, "I always carry one pre-mixed on me, just incase."
Severus shot Draco's system with the potion and pocketed the needle, "Thanks, now we should probably get him out of everyone's sight, otherwise people will start talking."
"I'll help take him. Sirius, stay here and keep Hermione company, maybe you could try to beat her a wizards chess." Remus smiled.
"Don't bet on it." Sirius laughed, obviously slapping Remus on the backside as he passed.
~~~~
Severus was still obviously angry with her the next day when she went to check on Draco. He'd just finished a nightshift, that he and Remus had agreed on. The two of them were going to watch him until he was over the bloodlust that came with being a vampire. Draco on the other hand, was sitting up on the bed, looking reasonably sullen and upset with himself. His cold eyes warmed when he saw Hermione walk in.
"The little twerp's fine." Severus snarled at Hermione.
"Don't you fucking take that tone with me Severus. I'm sick of how you've been treating me for the last five years, and especially in the last week." Hermione warned, her voice raised, "Just because all of a sudden when you want to make a relationship out of one night more years ago than I care to remember, doesn't mean that I'm going to jump in your lap first chance I get."
Severus cringed, although he was usually one mean cookie, he had never seen Hermione this angry before. Sure, he'd seen her get pissed at students who provoked her, but this was something else all together.
Hermione continued, "And just because I don't jump in your lap, doesn't mean I don't love you anymore, or that I wasn't considering the fact that I could actually have a relationship with you. Did you even consider that over the last five years, I have been so emotionless that you scared the living fuck out of me?! Did you consider that maybe I needed some time to think it over?! Did you even consider the fact that I might have gone lesbian without you noticing? After all, all the decent men in my life have either died or fucked me over! Did you think about that?! Oh sweet Merlin no! You just thought with that thing between your legs that all men think is so great! No more Severus. Remember when I told you about how I said to Draco that I never wanted to see him again, the night he bit me, the night that I came to you for help? Well the same goes for you. I never want to see either of you ever again, except in cases where I cannot control the situation. And as far as I'm concerned, any relationship that I have, with anyone... and I mean anyone... certain company excluded of course, being those who haven't shit on me, will be purely business, no personal relationships from me anymore."
She'd finished what she wanted to say, and so promptly, walked out, slamming the door behind her and ran straight to her room to inject herself with the potion. Hermione knew that her bloodlust was the only reason she'd broken there, but that was partly the reason she hadn't administered herself first thing like she usually did. She hadn't told Severus that she was getting worse, or Remus, that she had to give herself the serum every morning, and she didn't intend to, not now, not ever. If she felt the bloodlust coming on, she would give herself a shot and that would be that. And if it ever got so bad that she couldn't handle it, she could always kill herself, it wouldn't make much difference to her world. Hermione had almost no friends left to depend on in her time of need, and of the ones she did have, only one of them actually knew of her affliction.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A/N: Please R&R! I know some of the chapters are a bit short, but that's all I could write at the time. briskit. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Love and Other Passions - Chapter Five - As Time Goes On, Why Do I Still Hate Myself?
Five years later...
~~~~
The main corridor of Hogwarts was a shambles, students running every which way, most moving towards the main doors to go home for the summer holidays. Hermione stood at the doors to the Great Hall, watching them with no feeling in her heart. She had her own worries on her mind. There was a reunion for all students at the school in 1995 coming in a week, and Hermione wondered if she would actually know anyone who turned up.
In the five years that had passed, alot had happened to Hermione and the wizarding world. In her second year as Professor Granger, Lord Voldemort had struck for the final time. The good magic-folk of the world had been ready for him and his group this time, amassing a huge band of witches and wizards to fight him. She had lost Harry in this war, and most of her other friends, whom she had made in her years as teacher and student at Hogwarts. Voldemort was cut down and the most powerful of their kind made certain he would never come back. Hermione had been devastated by the loss, since she had not spoken to Harry since their last day of school.
Draco weighed heavily on her mind also, having not seen him since then either. She had no idea whether he had even joined in the fighting, on either side, as there had been no word of him. Severus had fought, coming face to face with the bastard himself, and living, which was a tale that he supposed he would never have been able to tell before that day. Although Hermione still held strong feelings for Severus, they had not met in that way since that night all those years ago, and she regretting in thinking it, but she missed him dearly as though he had been her lover for many years. She had never found another man whom she thought could match Severus' appeal, his strength and most certainly never match his knowledge.
Hermione sighed heavily as the last of the students left for the Hogwarts Express and turned away from the happy scene, still believing that she could never find love again, or a joy to make all things right. She still injected herself, with the serum that kept her vampiric urges at bay, knowing that if she laxed in those for only a moment, she would find herself in an even worse place that she already was.
Wandering through the now silent halls towards her room on the fifth floor, Hermione watched the cold stone floor, likening it to the grey of Draco's eyes, the hunger in her heart and the love she once knew that was no more. These depressing thoughts had become the norm in her life, and although it did not show on the outside, she knew that it would eventually one day and she would have to leave her position at Hogwarts and look for comfort in some other part of the world.
As she walked towards her room, she didn't notice the pair of eyes staring at her from the rafters above, nor the beat of wings as the eyes took on personality and moved in the opposite direction to her. She didn't even notice the heavy beat of footsteps until she had bumped into the figure they belonged to. Lifting her eyes, she saw the black cloak, with the high neck-covering collar, black waves framing a paled face and it wasn't until she looked to the equally dark orbs that she focused and recognised the one she had knocked.
"Sorry Severus." Hermione blurted, bending to help him clean up the spray of papers she had unintentionally pushed from his arms.
"Don't mention it Hermione." he replied, his voice sending shivers up her spine, until she remembered that she had a query to put to him.
"Can you help me with a question I have sometime soon?" Hermione asked, handing the parchment she had collected.
"S...sure." Severus stammered. He had never done that infront of her before, and although she had heard rumors that he had a stutter since he was a child, this was the first time she had ever encountered it.
"It's got to do with... the thing that..." Hermione started to explain.
"Come with me to my room, we can talk there." Severus suggested.
Hermione nodded and followed him, not really watching anything, like she was when she first bumped into him. Her eyes watches his feet, down the stairs in into the dungeon, moving slowly above his knees at the door to the Potions classroom and when they reached his personal rooms, moving towards his groin. She stopped and looked away, trying to keep her mind on what she was there for. Although, she had noticed the tension in his pants, and couldn't lie to herself about her own condition.
Severus placed the papers on his desk and sat on the tall chair, looking at her strangely, as if to ask why she was there.
"Oh, sorry. I blanked for a second there. Um, this serum we're using, is there any possibility that we could start to become immune to it?" Hermione said, not looking at him at all, thinking that might be the best way to avert the thoughts she knew would come to her.
"No, because it is mixed with blood, and we don't normally carry any in our system that is ours alone, there is no way that we could. Was that all?" Severus asked, trying to draw her eyes to his.
"Yeah, I'll leave you alone now so you can get on with whatever you were doing." Hermione mumbled, heading for the door.
Just as she was about to close the door, she heard Severus call to her, "Wait, Hermione... we really do need to talk."
Hermione stepped back into the room and closed the door behind her, waiting for what Severus had to say.
"I do not entirely know why things have worked out the way they have, but I would like you to know that I still have strong feelings for you." Severus said, his face emotionless.
"And I you, but I do not think that we could rekindle what we had that night." Hermione replied.
"I don't expect to Hermione, I want you, not the sex." Severus said firmly.
Hermione was flustered, she couldn't think. So many months of feeling nothing but deep depression had blocked her mind from considering that this moment would ever happen and now that it had, Hermione had no idea what to do or say.
"I... Severus, I'm sorry, but..." Hermione started to say, but before she could get the words out, ran out the door.
Hermione fled from the room, the emotional stakes too high. After all these years, Severus was finally making a stand and doing something about it, but it had been so long. Could she deal with the possibility of having her heart crushed again?
She slammed the door behind her, falling on her neatly made bed and crying. Exhausted from that alone, she fell asleep without a moments hesitation. It was all too much.
~~~~
It must have been hours, because the room was dark, lit only by a few candles, which Dobby most likely, would have lit for her. He had been her only hope of sanity, the only person who listened to her and knew what she felt. Not even Severus had tried to comfort her after Harry's death. Dobby on the other hand, had been quite fond of Harry, especially after he saved him from the clutches of Lucius Malfoy in their second year at Hogwarts. He had done everything in his house elf power to make the time less painful, to ease some of the hurt that had almost consumed Hermione.
She had a short, uneasy shower, quickly dressing and making her way to the Great Hall, where she sat, playing wizard's chess against herself to pass the time. Hermione had seen Severus pass the doors on more than one occasion, sometimes looking into the hall, other times, he seemed intent on whatever he was reading. She tried her hardest to ignore him.
"Hermione, we have a problem." Severus called as he entered the Hall, flagged by Remus Lupin and Sirius Black, two faces Hermione had not seen in more than a few years.
"What, Draco's back?" Hermione asked, sounding more than a little uninterested.
"There's a vampire on the grounds. Remus found some partially eaten birds and rabbits near the edge of the forest." Sirius replied, looking at her worried.
"So how am I supposed to help? Wave my wand say abra ka-fucking-dabra and make them disappear?" Hermione sarcastically spat in Severus' direction.
"Hermione, don't worry, Albus just thought that you would enjoy the lesson on how to destroy one." Severus snarled, walking away.
Hermione glanced in their direction, noting the way that Remus looked at her confused and Sirius watched Severus even more confused than Remus.
"Remus, don't say a word. It's been kept a secret for this long, neither of us need it getting around now." Hermione warned.
"I wasn't going to say a thing, but wizards chess is kind of boring to play against yourself, thought you might like a bit of a walk." Remus suggested, gesturing that Sirius go with Severus.
Sirius raced off to catch up with him, leaving Remus alone with Hermione.
"When did it all happen?" Remus asked.
"Which bit? The vampirism or the sexual conflict?" Hermione asked, not looking at him.
"Both." Remus replied, sitting beside her at the table.
Hermione preceeded to tell him about the past six years, which just showed how long it had been since they'd seen each other.
"So how are you coping other than all that you've just told me?" Remus asked.
"I'm coping?" Hermione rhetorically replied.
As she finished the sentence, Severus and Sirius strode into the Hall, dragging a very weak-looking Draco behind them. He struggled to no avail to be free from their grasp.
"We found this stalking a deer by Hagrid's hut." Severus snarled, throwing his side to the floor.
"I must be psychic." Hermione sighed, standing, "What do you reckon? Ran out of serum or just didn't take it?"
"Most likely ran out a long time ago. I don't think he knows where to get all the ingredients, and by the time he would have found them, he would have bitten someone, and he couldn't have lived with that." Severus replied.
Hermione dug a hand into her cloak pocket and threw a small object to Severus, "I always carry one pre-mixed on me, just incase."
Severus shot Draco's system with the potion and pocketed the needle, "Thanks, now we should probably get him out of everyone's sight, otherwise people will start talking."
"I'll help take him. Sirius, stay here and keep Hermione company, maybe you could try to beat her a wizards chess." Remus smiled.
"Don't bet on it." Sirius laughed, obviously slapping Remus on the backside as he passed.
~~~~
Severus was still obviously angry with her the next day when she went to check on Draco. He'd just finished a nightshift, that he and Remus had agreed on. The two of them were going to watch him until he was over the bloodlust that came with being a vampire. Draco on the other hand, was sitting up on the bed, looking reasonably sullen and upset with himself. His cold eyes warmed when he saw Hermione walk in.
"The little twerp's fine." Severus snarled at Hermione.
"Don't you fucking take that tone with me Severus. I'm sick of how you've been treating me for the last five years, and especially in the last week." Hermione warned, her voice raised, "Just because all of a sudden when you want to make a relationship out of one night more years ago than I care to remember, doesn't mean that I'm going to jump in your lap first chance I get."
Severus cringed, although he was usually one mean cookie, he had never seen Hermione this angry before. Sure, he'd seen her get pissed at students who provoked her, but this was something else all together.
Hermione continued, "And just because I don't jump in your lap, doesn't mean I don't love you anymore, or that I wasn't considering the fact that I could actually have a relationship with you. Did you even consider that over the last five years, I have been so emotionless that you scared the living fuck out of me?! Did you consider that maybe I needed some time to think it over?! Did you even consider the fact that I might have gone lesbian without you noticing? After all, all the decent men in my life have either died or fucked me over! Did you think about that?! Oh sweet Merlin no! You just thought with that thing between your legs that all men think is so great! No more Severus. Remember when I told you about how I said to Draco that I never wanted to see him again, the night he bit me, the night that I came to you for help? Well the same goes for you. I never want to see either of you ever again, except in cases where I cannot control the situation. And as far as I'm concerned, any relationship that I have, with anyone... and I mean anyone... certain company excluded of course, being those who haven't shit on me, will be purely business, no personal relationships from me anymore."
She'd finished what she wanted to say, and so promptly, walked out, slamming the door behind her and ran straight to her room to inject herself with the potion. Hermione knew that her bloodlust was the only reason she'd broken there, but that was partly the reason she hadn't administered herself first thing like she usually did. She hadn't told Severus that she was getting worse, or Remus, that she had to give herself the serum every morning, and she didn't intend to, not now, not ever. If she felt the bloodlust coming on, she would give herself a shot and that would be that. And if it ever got so bad that she couldn't handle it, she could always kill herself, it wouldn't make much difference to her world. Hermione had almost no friends left to depend on in her time of need, and of the ones she did have, only one of them actually knew of her affliction.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A/N: Please R&R! I know some of the chapters are a bit short, but that's all I could write at the time. briskit. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
