Well, my little hopped-up saurkraut peddlers, today I bring you a literary "blast from the past" as it were. This story is a renovated version of the very first fanfic series I ever worked on; and trust me, you don't want to see the originals. Hoo-boy, were they awful! Oh, and fair warning! Many, many, MANY facts are blatantly changed or completely ignored in this series. Why? Because it either makes the story funnier or more interesting. Either way that's how I likes it, so don't come cryin' ta' me! Harumph! So without further ado, I present to you, my future humble worshippers: Pokemon Alpha! So go on, read.
OBEY DR. X! --Dr. X
PS: If I owned the Pokemon characters, I would be a rich
fellow... And the series would have ended at the Pokemon Tournament. It just got
silly after that point. Well... sillier... Anyway, I don't own
'em. There's a few characters who'll appear later that I own, but you'll be able to tell by the big "Property of Dr. X" tags on 'em.
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by the Mysterious Dr. X
episode one
Pokemon - I Choose You!
Narrator: -= over several panning jump-cuts of a peaceful little town=- Welcome, friends, to Pallet Town! A small, but friendly little town on the southern coast of mystical Kanto Island. What makes Kanto so unique you ask? ... Come on, ask "what makes Kanto so unique?"... Please?... OKAY, FINE! I'M GONNA' TELL YOU ANYWAY! NYEAH! Kanto is the homeland to a race of strange and magical animals known simply as "Pocket Monsters," or "Pokemon" for short. Here, in Pallet, resides Professor Abraham Oak...
-=we're given a nice glimpse of Prof. Oak's laboratory, surrounded by a very long fence in which many odd animals are grazing=-
Narrator: ...a brilliant scientist and inventor known specifically for his study of pokemon... Our story centers, however, on his grandson Ash!
-=suddenly, the camera whips to Ash's home and moves slowly once more once inside the house. We're shown various photos along the wall of a young boy with thick black hair and a woman with long reddish-brown hair pulled into a ponytail=-
Narrator: Yes, Ash Ketchum - A curious, adventurous, headstrong boy with a strong heart and the IQ of a bubble wand. What? You want to hear more about Professor Oak? Too bad! You didn't want to hear about pokemon to begin with, so now you have to hear about Ash! Hah! Nevertheless, our story begins in Ash's room, where our hero is busily preparing for the intense adventure he's about to set out upon!
-=Now that the Narrator has FINALLY ended his boring tirade...=-
Narrator: HEY!
-=...we see inside of Ash's (dimly-lit) room. What we can see of the room is that it's practically rank with cartoon merchandise, the typical unkept piles of clothes, and most-importantly, pokemon merchandise throughout. On the bed, under a sizeable protective layer of blankets upon which light from the window is now beaming upon like a spotlight, is our hero Ash Ketchum... dead asleep...=-
Ash: -=wriggling around uneasily=- rrg... no... no, Mama! I don't wanna' wear the tiny pants!
-=Suddenly, a pokeball-shaped alarm clock pops open, buzzing loudly while an annoying little pidgey figurine starts shriekin' like the dickens in the most irritatingly shrill voice you ever DID hear! (second only to Britney Spears)=-
Ash: POODLES! -=instantly darts his hand out from the blankets, grabs the alarm clock, and heaves it across the room, whereupon it hits the door and explodes on impact=-
Clock: OH WHYYYYyyyyy--!?!
Ash:-=murmur=- that'll stop 'em...
-=Just then the door opens (the camera is focusing on the smoldering remains of the clock). Someone reaches down and picks up the clock, which croaks "Tell Cynthia... I loved her...", then finally expires as scores of tiny little ghosts burst, moaning, from the clock. The camera then scrolls to show Mrs. Ketchum (who obviously picked the clock up). She narrows her eyes and looks accusingly at the mumbling lump of bedding=-
Mrs. Ketchum: Ash...
Ash: Meh...
Mrs. Ketchum: Ash...
Ash: Meh...
Mrs. Ketchum: Ashton Jeremiah Ketchum, get up this instant!
Ash: -=instantly sits bolt-upright with the blanket still over his head=- GAH! Yes, ma'am! -=salutes with only his hand sticking out from under the blanket=-
Mrs. Ketchum: -=leans forward, hands on her hips, dark brown eyes flashing malevolently=- Ash, what have I told you about taking better care of your toys? -=holds up the alarm clock=- You've positively ruined this brand-new clock I just bought for your birthday!
Ash: -=still under the blanket, but apparently seeing all of this=- I had to, Mom! It was making death threats! -=speaks in an eery, scratchy voice and moves his free hand like a puppet mouth=- "Redrum... REDRUM!!!" It was either him or me! -=Mrs. Ketchum grumbles=- Besides, I'm sure Grampa can fix it.
Mrs. Ketchum: You mean like how he "fixed" the toaster?
-=instant flashback=-
~~~~~~~~
-=Ash and his mom are running, screaming from a flaming kitchen=-
Ash: AAAAAAAGH! MOM! HELP!
Mrs. Ketchum: RUN, SWEETIE! RUN BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE!!!
-=A toaster hops out of the kitchen, maniacally shooting burning toast out at all angles=-
Toaster: RESISTANCE IS FUTILE! YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED! ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US!
~~~~~~~~
-=end flashback=-
Ash: Yeah, what's your point?
Mrs. Ketchum: -=sighs lovingly and shakes her head=- Ash, sweetie, what am I gonna' do with you?
Ash: -=waves his arms around frantically=- Whatever you do, don't dress me in a monkey costume and sell me to an Italian organ grinder!
Mrs. Ketchum: -= giggles and pulls the blankets off of her son's head. Ash is sitting there with his hair sticking out at odd angles and with a look of purely insane terror on his face. As Mrs. Ketchum ruffles his hair, his look instantly changes to one of nearly catatonic boredom (complete with half-closed eyes and tongue hangingout)= -
Mrs.Ketchum:Silly...-=sighs=- You're so much like your father... Always joking around... and LAZY! I think you're the only 10-year-old who's ever actually slept in on his birthday!
Ash: -=opens his eyes extra-wide and goes wall-eyed (like how the Simpsons' eyes go when they yell or something)=- BIRTHDAY! OMIGOSH! THAT'S RIGHT! I'VE GOTTA' GET TO GRAMPA'S LAB!!! -=immediately dashes out of the room, leaving an Ash-shaped dust cloud and the covers hovering slightly in his wake=-
Mrs.Ketchum:-=sighs=- Just like his dad...
-=jump-cut to outside Oak's lab. Leaning against the front fence is a 13-year-old boy with long messy brown hair, deep brown eyes, a long purple t-shirt, and a look of boredom and frustration on his face. around his neck is a yellow and green yin-yang necklace and he's absent-mindedly tossing a red-and-white ball up and down in the air=-
Narrator: This is Prof. Oak's other grandson, Gary Oak. Gary's quite different from Ash... being a child genius who graduated from Harvard at the age of 11, gold medal winner at the annual Pokemon Tournament three times in a row, and he's sane, to boot! Unfortunately, he's also a brat with an ego the size of an elephant with a glandular problem... -=Gary stops for a moment and glares daggers somewhere above the screen (which is where the Narrator always is in a TV show, of course!). He then returns to tossing the pokeball up and down=-
Gary:-=huff=- That little twink, Ash, better show up soon or I'm leaving without him...
Narrator: Speaking of that little twink... where is he anyway?
-=we now see Ash making a mad dash down the road=-
Ash: -=panting and running very fast with his eyes closed=- GAH! How'd I end up sleeping in on my birthday? -=opens his eyes and looks up, almost as if he's trying to look into his own head=- You were supposed to remind me about today, you know!
-=suddenly, a voice similar to Ash's echoes inside his head=-
Voice: Hey, give me a break! Voices in people's heads need to sleep too!
Ash: Geeze, what's the use of being schizophrenic if your voices can't help you at all?
-=we now see from Gary's point of view. Ash appears on the horizon=-
Narrator: Oh! Here's Ash now!
Gary: I can see that for myself...
Narrator: ... I was just--
Gary: Uh-huh. Whatever. Beat it...
Narrator:...fine...-=mumbles=- little brat...
Ash: -=dashes up to Gary, stands up perfectly straight, and salutes=- Ashton Ketchum, reporting for duty, Sergeant Gary Oak, sir! -=collapses from exhaustion (the camera only shows them from waist up, so we just see Ash fall completely out of view)=-
Gary: -=groans and looks down at his cousin=- About time you got here, Ash! I was about to leave on my training without you! -=really irritating, nasal, haughty laugh=- You really made sure to be prepared, didn't ya? Not too many pokemon trainers start off on their first adventure in their pajamas!
Ash: -=instantly pops back up, now dressed in his trademark blue-jean jacket, dark green t-shirt, faded jeans, and red Nike cap=- Pajamas? Watchoo talkin' 'bout, Gary?
Gary: -=making many weird choking, confused sounds while his right eye twitches=- Eh... uh... er... -=folds his arms and closes his eyes while he gets purple anime lines on his forehead and the background goes all purple-like=- Rrrrgh, nevermind! You still need to talk to Gramps and get your starter pokemon!
Ash: -=salutes again with his tongue hanging out=- Hi-keeba! -=marches into Oak's lab, chest puffed out, chin up, and stomping his feet the same way Robot Jones does when he walks. He starts singing some kind of marching tune in a voice reminiscent of the legendary Satchmo (aka Louie Armstrong)=- Haidey-haidey-haidey-ho! Into Grampa's lab Ah go!
Gary: -=watches Ash walk past him=- ... God must really have a sick sense of humor...
-=now we get a peek inside the Professor's lab. Professor Oak is in a poorly-lit (for dramatic purposes) room, hunched over some kind of experiment. The only light in the room is a blue spark from the blowtorch he's apparently using. The lights instantly click on as Ash and Gary enter the room=-
Gary: HEY GRAMPS! ASH IS HERE!
Prof. Oak: AAAAAAAAAAGH! DON'T SHOOT! IT WAS JUST A CASE OF MISTAKEN IDENTITY!!!
Gary: -=tilts his head and raises an eyebrow=- ?
Ash: -=waves his hand energetically=- Hi, Grampa!
Oak: Oh! -=takes off his protective goggles to show his sparkling brown eyes=- Hello, Ash! ^_^ And happy birthday!
Ash: Thanks, Grampa! -=hops up to him and looks at the workbench=- Whatcha' workin' on anyway?
Oak: Oh nothing... -=snatches whatever-it-is from the desk before Ash can see it and hides it in one of his labcoat pockets=- Just adding the finishing touches on a new invention...
Gary: -=perks up=- New invention? Let's see it!
Oak: Not yet, Gary! It's still experimental! -=darts his eyes around=- There could be spies lurking all around, ready to steal my idea! -=Ash turns to look at Gary and nods knowingly=-
Gary: ... -=rolls his eyes=- Whatever. You wanna' get around to briefing Ash? I ain't got all day to wait around here!
Oak: Oh, of course! Well, Ash, as you and Gary both know, our home of Kanto is inhabited by magical animals called "Pokemon!" And, when a boy or girl turns 10, they're allowed to set about on their own adventure to become pokemon trainers!
-=Ash and Gary are now sitting on a green sofa that we just didn't notice until now. Ash is eating from a very large bowl of popcorn that we not only didn't notice, but didn't even exist in the room until now=-
Gary: That's great, Gramps. Why are you telling us all the stuff we already know?
Oak: It's plot exposition, Gary! It has to go somewhere! Now! Where was I?
Ash: Pokemon trainers... -=chomps on some popcorn=-
Oak: Right! Of course! Now, a pokemon trainer's job is to find and capture pokemon as pets for the dual purpose of 1) learning more about these still-mysterious animals, and 2) -=suddenly looks absolutely insane=- teaching them to use their amazing gifts to fight against each other in pokemon battles!
Narrator: ... That sounds kind of... inhumane...
Oak: -=looking normal again=- Don't be ridiculous! Pokemon love competing in friendly battles, and of course, a good trainer would never force his pokemon into a fight with the intention to seriously harm either his own, or his opponent's pokemon! ... besides, this is all just based on a video game anyway...
Gary: I thought it was a comic series?
Ash:-=gobble=- Nah. Cartoon series...
Gary: Comic...
Ash: Cartoon...
Narrator: ... what about the movies?
Oak: -=sighs and shakes his head=- Boys, boys... it's based on the movies of the comic books of the cartoons of the video game!
Narrator, Ash, and Gary: -= long pause= -...-=blinkblink=- ... oh...
Oak: Anyway, as a pokemon trainer, you will be honing yours and your pokemon's abilities to ultimately compete in the annual Pokemon League Tournaments, held in Indigo Plateu! Well, now that the boring background plot is out of the way... Who wants to choose their starting pokemon?
Ash: -=hops up and down, waving his hands as the background suddenly turns into a gameshow set=- OOH OOH! ME ME ME!!! PICK MEEEEE!!!
Oak: Alright, then! Let's introduce our three lucky, eager young pokemon to today's hopeful trainer! Narrator, would you do the honors?
Narrator: -=as the wall behind Prof. Oak literally crashes forward with an audible "CRASH!!!", revealing part of the large grazing area with three friendly-looking pokemon standing close to the fence. The Dating Game theme plays=- I'd be glad to, Abe! -=the camera shows a little red baby dragon with a bright flame on the tip of its tail=- Contestant number one is a charmander! A hot-headed, but loyal little dragon who's specialty is fire-based attacks, and loves Summer barbeques!
Charmander: Cha-char! -=waves his paw and giggles adorably=-
Narrator: -=showing a little blue baby dinosaur with a large green flower bulb on his back=- Contestant number two is a bulbasaur! A sturdy, strong-willed little dinosaur with his feet firmly planted on the ground! Bulbasaur's specialty is nature-based attacks and he loves camping out under the stars!
Bulbasaur: -=smiles and hops up on his hind legs=- Burrba! Zoar!
Narrator: -=showing a happy-looking blue turtle with a long, curly tail=- And, last, but not least, is Squirtle! A bubbly baby turtle with water-based abilities, and enjoys long walks on the beach! (Come on. You know I'd say that eventually.)
Squirtle: Squir-squirtle! -=waves shyly and wags his tail=-
Ash: Hrmmmm... -=the unseen audience is all shouting suggestions like "Number 1!" "No! Go for Number 3!" "Go for the Mystery Box!". Gary sighs and shakes his head=- I think I'll choose... -=squeals like a little girl as his eyes get EXTREMELY huge and starry=- I want THAT one! -=points excitedly to a tiny yellow pokemon standing behind the three contestants=-
Oak: Hmm? -=everything returns to (relative) normalcy=- Which one, Ash?
Ash: ^_^ That little yellow bunny! -=hops over the fence and runs to a small yellow rabbit-like pokemon with a tail shaped like a lightning bolt and dark brown stripes across its back=-
Oak:-=blinkblink=- A pikachu?
Gary: -=puts his hands to his mouth and yells=- Ash, you dope! That thing's not even a choice!
Oak: Gary's right, Ash! -=Squirtle, Bulbasaur, and Charmander all look at Ash, then at each other. They huff, fold their arms, then pop a cigarette in their mouths and march off defiantly=- A pikachu isn't the wisest choice for a starting pokemon. They tend to distrust inexperienced trainers, and that one in particular has a rather haughty attitude...
Ash: I don't care! It's the cutest one of 'em all! I want 'im! ^_^ -= picks up the pikachu, which glares hatefully at him, then smiles evilly as it immediately electrocutes the kid=-
Oak:-=gasps=- Ash! -=helps him up=- Are you okay?
Ash: -=eyes rolling around=- I'm fine, Mr. President...
Oak: Hmm... seems sort of delirious...
Gary: What else is new?
-=fade cut to a scene of Ash and Gary leaving Oak's lab=-
Oak: You're absolutely sure you want that pikachu, Ash?
Ash: Sure do! ^_^ He's the best! -= the pikachu is standing by Ash's foot, folding his little arms and grumbling under his breath. The three afore-mentioned pokemon are all gathered around the gate, holding up defamatory signs about the pikachu and declaring their loyalty to the Starter Pokemon Union Local # 834. Gary huffs=-
Oak:-=shrugs=- Well, it's your choice, I suppose...
Mrs. Ketchum: ASH! WAIT!
-=Ash, the pikachu, Gary, and Prof. Oak all double-blink, then look down the street as Mrs. Ketchum runs up to them, carring a green backpack=-
Mrs. Ketchum: Ash, you little silly! You forgot all of your travel gear! -=hands him his backpack=-
Ash: ^_^; Heh... thanks, Mom! -=takes the backpack and puts it on quickly=-
Mrs. Ketchum: -=looks at the pikachu=- Aw, what a cute little thing! -=the pikachu sticks his tongue out at her=- What's his name, Ash? ^_^
Ash: Oh! I'm calling him Roadkill 'cuz of the stripes on his back! They look like tire marks!
-=everyone looks uneasily at Ash, who has a crooked smile on his face and a weird sparkle in his eyes=-
Roadkill: Pika... -=folds his arms again=- hmmph...
Gary: Okay, great. So can we go now? I've got pokemon to train for my FOURTH Pokemon League victory!
Mrs.Ketchum:-=sighs=- Fine, fine. You're so impatient, Gary! Alright, Ash. You be a good boy now...
Ash: I will, Mom...
Mrs. Ketchum: Listen to what Gary tells you...
Ash: I will, Mom...
Mrs. Ketchum: Change your underwear every day...
Ash:-=whines=- What fun is that?
Mrs.Ketchum:-=giggles=- Have a good time. And be careful! ^_^ -=kisses his cheek=-
Ash: ACK! Mom! Don't do that! I might get an Oedipus Complex! You don't want me to gouge my own eyes out, do you?
Mrs.Ketchum:-=giggles=-
Oak: -=chuckles and smacks Ash's back gently=- Well, you two had better be off before Gary explodes... -=Gary is seen, red-faced, with his right eye twitching again. A tea-kettle is heard whistling very loud (Ever seen the episode of the Simpsons where Moe starts his own family restaurant? It's a lot like the scene where Moe goes crazy!)=- Oh! -=snaps his fingers=- I almost forgot! This is for you, Ash! ^_^ -=reaches into his labcoat and pulls out his invention from before: A tiny red device not unlike an electronic pocket dictionary=-
Ash: WOW! THE HITCHHIKER'S GUIDE TO THE GALAXY! THANKS, GRAMPA! I DIDN'T THINK YOU COULD GET THESE ON EARTH!
Oak: No, Ash! It's a hand-held electric encyclopedia! A PokeDex(tm) to be exact!
Ash: Aw, but Grampa! I already have a PokeDex(tm)! You gave me one to help me with my homework!
Oak: But this is one I made especially for you! ^_^ It has a new section specifically about pokemon! And it even has an experimental Artificial Intelligence system built into it so that it will actually keep itself up-to-date with current information! -=opens the front cover, showing a display of various buttons and a big (for a hand-held) screen with a happy face on it=-
PokeDex: -=speaking somewhat staccato=- Hel-lo, Ash! I'm Dexter the Po-ke-Dex(tm)! Pleased - to - meet you!
Gary: -=as Ash takes the PokeDex(tm) and starts meddling with the buttons=- Hey! Howcome my PokeDex(tm) doesn't have AI?
Oak: Because I only recently thought of the idea, Gary! Sheesh!
Gary: Okay, but howcome we always have to say the (tm) every time we say PokeDex(tm)? It's annoying!
Oak: I never said you had to!
Gary: ... oh... Okay, well anyway, let's go, Ash! I'm sick of waiting around here!
Ash: ^_^ Kay! Bye, Grampa! Bye Mom! -=hugs them both=- I'll see ya' in a few weeks! -=dashes off after Gary, who's already started walking out of town=- Come on, Roadkill! Let's go!
Roadkill:-=grumbles=- Pi... pikachu, chu... chii... -=stomps off after Ash=-
Mrs. Ketchum: -=watches Ash with a sad look on her face=- You sure Ash will be okay, Dad?
Oak: -=puts a comforting arm around her shoulders=- Now, now, don't you worry, Alaina! Ash will be just fine! Lots of kids his age go on these little adventures every Summer! Besides, he has Gary with him!
Mrs. Ketchum: -=looks up at her father for a second, then watches as her son disappears over the horizon= ...-=sigh=- That's what I'm afraid of...
Narrator: -=over a cliche sunset over which the silhouettes are seen of Gary jogging along, Ash scampering up behind him, and Roadkill grumpily following=- And so begins the true tale of the first journey of Ash Ketchum: Pokemon Master! Many adventures await our young hero, as do some interesting (and eccentric) new friends and foes! Be sure to stay with us as we follow Ash as he becomes the World's Greatest Pokemon Master!
Gary: -=suddenly appears, looming over the screen=- For pete's sake, shut up!!!
Roadkill: -=hops up beside him= -Piii-KA!-=glare=-
Narrator:Okay,okay...-=sighs=- END!
To Be Continued...
