Pokémon Alpha
by the Mysterious Dr. X

episode two
Revenge of the Birds

Narrator: -=as the camera pans slowly along a dirt road hedged by the outskirts of a small forest=- Welcome back to Kanto Island for a brand-new Pokémon Alpha adventure! -=we now see a close-up of Gary trudging along with a very, VERY irritated look on his face=- Ash and Gary have just set off on their training journey, so let's join in and watch, shall we?

-=As Gary marches on, very obviously annoyed, we hear Ash's voice singing a very annoying and insipid tune=-

Ash: We're on the road to Viridian City!!! (we'reontheroad, we'reontheroad, we'reonthe--) We're on the road to VIR-ID-I-AN CITYYYY...

Gary: -=shakes in a spasm of rage, then whirls around (with the camera suddenly pulled back to show the two kids and pikachu standing on the previously-mentioned pathway) to flail his fists about and yell at his cousin=- ASH!!! STOP SINGING THAT STUPID SONG!!!

Ash: But we ARE on the road to Viridian City! -=beams ecstatically and picks up Roadkill, hugging him tight=- Our very first stop on this, our first pokémon journey! EEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

Roadkill: -=gives Ash the most Satanic glare ever to cross God's green earth=- Piiikaaaaa... CHA!!! -=electrocutes Ash and hops out of his hands=-

Ash: -=smoldering with his eyes rolling around in his head=- Don't worry, Captain... I've made sure to seal the marmosets away in their air-locked jacuzzi...

Gary: -=groans and rubs his forehead, signalling the emergence of a full and glorious migraine=- why do you hate me, god...? -=suddenly opens his eyes and gets a grim smile on his face=- ... Hey, Ash...

Ash: -=instantly better, he pops up beside Gary and salutes=- Ja, mein herr?

Gary: -=pauses for just a split-second to gawk at his cousin, then jabs his thumb in the direction of the woods=- I think I just saw a heracross over there...

Ash: -=blinkblink=- Heracross? Hmmm? -=sticks out his lip and gets an incredibly stupid look on his face=- Vas ist das Heracross?

-=a soft little "click-boop!" sound is heard coming from Ash's jacket pocket, then a slightly muffled automated voice=-

Dexter: Al-low me to be - of as-sis-tance, Ash!

Ash: Oh yeah! Dexter! -=yoinks the PokéDex from his pocket and flips the cover open=- Speak to me O source of infinite knowledge, so that I may learn of your otherworldly ways!

Dexter: Heracross: -=the image of a large hercules beetle appears on his monitor=- A rare - and - powerful po-kémon similar in phy-si-cal and e-motion-al stature to the common hercules bee-tle...

Ash: -=drools as his eyes begin to glaze over=- A rare pokémon... -=grins maniacally=- EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

Gary: Yeah, Ash! You better go catch it!

Ash: -=shoves Dexter in his pocket and points dramatically toward the forest=- OUTTAMYWAY, GARY! AH'M OFFTA' CATCH ME A BUG!!! -=zooms off, leaving the Ash-cloud again, and leaving Roadkill and Gary behind=-

-=Gary and Roadkill sit there for a few moments and blink at each other=-

Ash: -=rushes back in=- C'mon, Roadie! -=snags Roadkill's tail and runs off again=-

Roadkill: -=clutches to the ground for dear life=- Pika! PIKA! PI-KAAAAAAAAAAA!!! -=the grass tears out from the ground and Roadkill remains motionless for a split-second in which he looks pathetically to the camera and shrugs. He then zips off, pulled along by his owner=-

Gary: -=close-up on him after Ash and Roadkill leave. A hellish light is illuminating his features and behind him is a backdrop of deep purple flame. He taps his fingers together and talks like Mr. Burns=- Exxxcellent... -=talks normally again, but very sinister=- At last I've got that little twerp out of my hair... Once he realizes I'm gone, he'll start crying and running home to his momma... And with him out of the picture, I'm free to continue on to winning the Pokémon Tournament for the 4th time in a row! -=cackles deviously=- I love being evil... -=laughs like a maniac, then stands up and blinks a bit as the lighting returns to normal=- ... Oh right. Run away. -=zips off=-

Narrator: You know, I never liked that kid much... Oh well, let's check in with Ash and that heracross, shall we?

Ash: -=running blindly into the forest=- Don't try anything funny, Heracross! You're mine! I'm going to capture you and force you to compete against your fellow brethren in sick and twisted competitions! Don't that sound like fun? -=just then, he runs headlong into a tree=- D'OOF! -=and falls over on his back, frozen in a stunned position=- Gahhhh...

Roadkill and Narrator: -=wince=- oooohhh...

Ash: -=jumps back up and shakes his head=- Hey! What gives? Where dat ol' heracross?

Dexter: -=having fallen out of Ash's pocket when he tried to bodyslam the tree=- I have reason to believe that your cousin was, as the expression goes "pulling your leg," Ash...

Ash: -=tilts his head and goes wall-eyed=- Duhhhh~?

Dexter: -=sighs=- There is no heracross. Gary was lying. He just ran off, leaving us behind...

Narrator: Wait! There WASN'T really a heracross?

Roadkill: -=raises an eyebrow=- Chapikachu...

Narrator: You shut your mouth, you...

Ash: Oh... -=picks up Dexter and looks curiously at him (it?)=- Hey, howcome you're not talking like a robot anymore?

Dexter: Eh... -=would shrug if he could=-

Ash: Grrr... That stupid Gary... -=shoves Dexter roughly into his pocket=-

Dexter: GAK!

Ash: I'll show him! I don't need that big jerk! -=idly kicks a rock out of the forest area, where there is a loud "clunk" and a "SQUAAAAAAWK!!!". Ash double-blinks=-

Roadkill: Pi? -=tilts his head to one side=-

Ash: Wonder what that was... -=heads back to the dirt road where a mangy little red-and-brown bird is lying, seemingly dead=- Awww... poor little birdy... I didn't mean to kill it... -=sighs sadly, hanging his head. Suddenly he perks up with a psychotic grin on his face=- Oh well! Guess we're havin' fried chicken for dinner!

-=the bird stumbles to its feet, shakes its head, then leers at Ash=-

Ash: -=unenthusiastic=- ... oh, it's alive... yay... -=as the bird hobbles around Ash's feet, flailing its wings madly=- ... what's your deal, anyway?

Dexter: Actually, Ash, that bird in front of you is what's known as a spearow. It's a tiny little creature, but it has an unimaginable mean streak...

Ash: Uh huh. Big deal.

Spearow: Squawk! Squawk! SQUAAAAWK!!!

Ash: -=takes a pokéball=- Cram it, ugly. -=absent-mindedly drops the ball on the spearow, capturing it quickly. Ash picks the ball up, but it rattles about violently, then bursts back open and the spearow is now sitting on his hand with a very evil look in its eyes=-

Spearow: SQUAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWK!!!

Ash: Gah! What?

Dexter: It's a loose translation, but I believe he just said "I'm going to peck your freaking eyes out, you blankety-blank punk kid!"

Ash: Oh... -=long pause=- ... -=blink=- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!! -=takes off running down the path. Roadkill laughs wildly until the spearow gives him the same look and squawk.=-

Roadkill: ... pi -=blasts the spearow, which falls over dead=- Pikachu -=dusts his paws off=-

-=But lo and behold, the spearow struggles back up, wells up a mighty CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWW!!! and countless spearows flap out from the forest, headed by one incredibly gigantic orangeish bird with a long needle-like beak. Roadkill takes one look at the birds, droops his ears and tail, bugs his eyes out, squeaks, then takes off after Ash. After catching up with him, Roadkill leaps onto Ash's head, squeaking like mad=-

Roadkill: PIKA! PIKA PIKA PIKA! Pika CHUUUUU! PIKAAAAAAA!!!

Ash: What now? -=turns around to look at the swarm of birds=- AAAAAAAAAAGK!

Dexter: Oh lovely. You've angered a fearow. Well, it's been nice knowing you guys...

Ash: -=shrieks like a little girl and tears off, closely followed by the foul fowl=-

-=Everything goes black=-

Narrator: Well, enough about that. Next scene? -=suddenly, we see a cute, if not a little scrawny 14-year-old redheaded girl fishing and humming pleasantly to herself=- Thank you!

Misty: Get the cool... get the cool shoeshine... -=sighs happily and leans back a bit=- Ah, boy what a great day...

-=suddenly, a 10-year-old boy in a jean jacket and red baseball cap and a pikachu on his head runs past=-

Ash: THE BIRDS!!! THE BIRRRRRDS!!!

Misty: Wha? -=turns around just in time to see Ash run past and knock over her bike=- HEY! -=gets up and grabs her bike before it crashes=- Come back here you little freak! You nearly wrecked my new bike! -=Ash returns instantly with purely insane fear in his eyes=-

Roadkill: PIKA PIKA PIKA!!!

Ash: Hi, you don't mind if we borrow this for a moment do you? Thanks, I knew you wouldn't... -=grabs her bike and tears off with it=-

Misty: HEY! -=as they vanish over the horizon=- THAT'S MY BIKE! GET BACK HERE! WHY I OUGHTTA... -=suddenly, a very large number of brownish birds flies past her, the wind from their beating wings ruffling her bright orange hair=- ...wow... -=blinkblink=- That's a lotta' spearows... -=a chubby little bald man in a suit walks by as a weird little tune plays=-

Narrator: Now back to Ash...

Roadkill: CHA PIKA! CHA PIKA PIKA PIKACHU! (PEDAL, ASH! PEDAL FOR ALL YOU'RE STINKIN' WORTH!!!)

Ash: Ah'm geevin' it all she's got, Roadie! I cannae take mooch morrre!

Dexter: -=sounding very chipper during the whole affair=- Hey, I don't mean to worry you or anything, Ash, but you might want to speed things up. I think those birds really mean to kill you and Roadkill.

Ash: -=very angry=- Yeah, I know, Dexter!

Dexter: And they seem to be gaining on you...

Ash: -=as the birds are now crowded around Ash and Roadkill, pecking their flesh to bloody ribbons=- Really now...?

Dexter: Mm-hmm. Just keepin' you posted, you know. Of course, I suppose I feel less worried about the whole ordeal, not really being able to die or anything, I...

-=Roadkill is flipped off of the bike as they hit a large bump in the path=-

Ash: ROADIE!

Roadkill: PIKA!!!

Dexter: Oh my, would you look at that. Sorry, Roadkill!

-=Seeing a fallen enemy, the spearows quickly turn to Roadkill and begin pecking and clawing savagely at him. Ash leaps off the bike (which keeps rolling, slams into a tree, and bursts into flames for no reason) and rushes to Roadkill=-

Dexter: Ash! Don't be a hero!

Ash: -=fighting and shoving the birds away, receiving a number of deep cuts and gashes that will, of course, heal with no visible scars later on since he's a cartoon character=- Get away from him! I said get away, you stupid birds! -=picks up Roadkill=- Roadkill, are you alright?

Roadkill: -=horribly bloody=- PiIIiIiiIiii... (I dunno, does seeing a bright tunnel of light and hearing the voices of dead relatives count as "alright"?)

Ash: -=holds Roadkill close=- Don't worry, Road. It's gonna' be alright. Just trust me, okay?

Dexter: How do you know it's going to be alright?

Ash: It just will. That's what Mom always says to me when bad things happen.

Dexter: How do you know she's not just lying?

Ash: ... Is this really a good time for this kind of discussion?

Dexter: -=shrugging voice=- Eh... Oh hey. Look out, by the way...

Ash: What? -=looks around, realizing that the spearows are backing off=- ^_^ Hey! They're going away!

Voice: SQUAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWK!!!

Ash: -=looks up to see the fearow zooming down at him, fully intending to kill=- AAAAAAAAAAAGH!!! WE'RE GONNA' DIE! WE'RE GONNA' DIE!!!

Roadkill: PIKAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! -=clings to Ash=-

Dexter: -=singing merrily=- We all live... in a pokémon world...

-=The lighting gets terribly dramatic as the fearow zooms in. Ash and Roadkill cling miserably to each other, crying in fear. Dexter keeps singing cheerfully. The fearow flexes its razor-sharp talons, preparing to rend our heroes to nothing. The spearows gather in a circle cheering and holding "Fearow 3:16" signs. Just before the fearow makes his kill, the scene freezes in time=-

Narrator: Is this really the end of Ash Ketchum? It's only the second episode! It can't be! I mean what kind of series is that? -=whine=- I don't wanna' watch no more!

-=the scene resumes and the fearow... explodes in a fiery cataclysm=-

Narrator: -=sniff sniff=- I smell bird meat!

Ash: Wow! Spontaneous combustion! What a stroke of luck!

-=Roadkill passes out=-

Dexter: For those of you unfamiliar with the term: Spontaneous combustion is the unexplained phenomenon of extreme, instantly increased body temperature... -=sings again=- I wanna' be the greatest master of them a-a-all...

Ash: Whew! What an adventure, huh, Roadkill? -=looks at the barely-breathing mass of fur and blood in his arms=- Awww, he's sleeping! How cute!

Narrator: ... You know, Ash, you might want to get some medical attention pretty soon. I mean, I know I'm the narrator and I'm not supposed to give hints, but... really...

Ash: Good idea. And, it might be smart to get some medical attention too!

Narrator: -=makes a confused noise=- But I... that's what I just said...

Ash: Viridian City! Here we come! -=runs off down the road where Viridian City is conveniently close-by=- Don't worry, Roadkill. We'll be just fine! ^_^

Dexter: And I say to myself: What a wonderful worrrrld...

Narrator: And thus have our heroes escaped their first life-threatening adventure! Tune in next time for a new adventure on Pokémon Alpha!

-=The camera lingers on the exploded bike (now in shadow). A thin, feminine sillhouette looms up over the bike and narrows its pale glowing eyes=-

Misty: Oh... he's going to pay for this... and I don't mean with cash... -=blinks=- Unless it's a great deal of cash...

To Be Continued...

-=Dragnet Theme=-

Officer Jenny: -=steps out and salutes=- This is the first mark on Ash's criminal record, by the way. When the fearow spontaneously combusted, the spearows, without a leader, all quite permanently lost their minds and wandered about aimlessly. Eventually, they all happened upon a small village on an unnamed island in the near proximity of Kanto. The villagers promptly killed and ate the birds, and discovered only recently after that they were all deathly allergic to poultry and they all died a week later. So our "hero" is obviously guilty of indirect mass murder. -=salutes again=- END!