This one is really, really awful and I admit it. But Team Rocket are in it, so that should make some of you happy! ^_^; --Dr. X
--------------
Pokémon Alpha
by the Mysterious Dr. X
episode three
Pokémon Emergency
Narrator: -=as is often the case with these sorts of programs, choice scenes of the previous episode are flashed by in front of the screen for a quick recollection of the story up to this point=- Previously, on Pokémon Alpha: Unaided by his hot-tempered pikachu Roadkill, Ash made his own attempt to capture his first pokémon; ultimately enraging a flock of spearows. Ash and Roadkill just narrowly escaped a vicious death at the talons of the psychotic pokémon, but not without receiving some nasty battlescars from the incident. -=now we're shown a nice, clean, moderately-sized and friendly-looking city=- Fortunately, our heroes have just reached Viridian City, where they will be able to get some medical attention an-- -=gunshots are heard=- What the--!? What's goin' on out hyah???
-=on the outskirts of the city lies a little roadside convenience store labelled "Kwik-E-Mart." It is from this store that the gunshots are originating. Suddenly, 3 figures burst out from the front door, tripping and falling over each other in a mad attempt to get as far away from the establishment as possible. A few seconds later, after the clumsy trio have managed to put some distance between themselves and the Kwik-E-Mart, a tall Indian man with a pot belly and a shotgun storms out, waving his fist in the air=-
Apu: An' doon't come back you leetle hoodlums!
-=Apu turns around to go back into his store when an ugly little fat kid in a blue vest runs out with handful of stolen beef jerky=-
Apu: AGH! -=shakes his fist=- Hands off my jerky, turkey!
Nelson: -=stuffs a stick of jerky in his mouth and points at Apu=- Ha-haw!
Narrator: Well enough of that mess. Who were those three weirdos who ran out of the store to begin with?
-=Giggling (amid gasps of breath) near the Viridian City limits are a little creme-colored biped cat with a gold charm resting on his head, and two humans (a young man with shoulder-length blue hair and a young woman with impossibly long red hair) in matching white-and-black uniforms with a large red R on their vests... well, sort of matching. I mean, the guy's got pants and a normal-length shirt while the girl's wearing a shirt and skirt that, in MY opinion are just a little too short and should be a little longer for modesty's sake... I mean... oh sod it. You get the idea=-
James: -=the guy, obviously... speaking in a deep voice with a slightly British accent=- Huzzah, Meowth! Job well done!
Jessie: -=snickering and brushing her hair back with her fingers=- I can't believe one of your plans actually worked!
Meowth: -=grins sneakily and winks at her, shaking his finger in a reprimanding manner=- O' course it woiked! Was dere eva' any doubt? I'm just naturally so cute an' adorable, it was child's play ta' distract dat stupid convenience store clerk whilst you two made off wit da goods!
-=We're suddenly treated to a flashback of the incident. Wearing a top hat and carrying a cane, Meowth leaps onto the counter and starts dancing around...=-
Meowth: Hello, mah baby, hello mah honey...
Apu: Oh! Look at that adorable leetle cat! His zany antics make me laugh and conveniently distract me from my work!
-=Back to reality, Jessie and James both look at each other and make a low noise that suggests their disbelief that Meowth is THAT adorable=-
Meowth: -=narrows one eye and raises the other eyebrow=- So what didja' swipe anywayz?
Jessie: -=squealy giggle=- I managed to get off with five dollars from the open cash register! -=holds up the cash triumphantly=-
James: -=even squealier giggle=- And I got two pocketfulls of jerky AND a giant cherry Squishee!
-=Jessie and Meowth look disbelievingly at James=-
Jessie: -=cold, biting tone=- Is that the BEST you can do? -=whaps James upside the head=-
James: -=huff=- I think I did rather well, thank you! -=pulls out the Squishee, stuffs a straw in it and slurps loudly from it=-
Jessie: -=gets big starry eyes=- HEY! GIMME SOME! -=jabs another straw in. They both drink loudly, suddenly halt in a pained and wall-eyed expression, then fall over in agony, both shrieking "BRAINFREEZE!!! AAAAAAAAARRRRGH!!!"=-
Meowth: -=blinks twice=- Five bucks... Oh joyous day. Heaven knows da' endless riches Team Rocket has acquired t'day... now dat we've got five bucks an' a Squishee...
James: -=weakly raises his hand and points up=- don't forget the jerky...
-=the entirely pointless prattle of the moment is halted by a familiar, yet unhealthy-sounding voice=-
Ash: -=carrying Roadkill in his arms=- Excuse me... Could you three tell me where I could find a hospital?
-=Jessie and James suddenly dart back up and Meowth whips around to look at Ash=-
Jessie: -=concerned=- Oh my... you don't look too good...
Ash: -=looks up at Jessie with a distant about-to-faint-from-pain-any-moment expression in his eyes=- You're no prize yourself, sister!
James: -=grabs Jessie's fist before she has a chance to wail on the kid=- Jessie! ^_^; Take it easy! He's obviously delusional with pain...
Meowth: I t'ink she means you don't look very healthy...
Roadkill: -=hardly audible=- pika pikachu cheee... (Translation: That's why he asked about the hospital, genius...)
Meowth: Don' get smart wit' me, rat!
Jessie: -=sounding concerned again, just after having a psychotic moment (Ever noticed how often Jessie has moodswings in the show? I dunno, maybe James does it too, but it's a lot more noticeable when Jessie does it...)=- Aw, that poor little pikachu! Is it okay? -=pokes Roadkill's many wounds over and over again=-
Roadkill: Pika... Pika... Pika... PIKA! (ow... ow... ow... OW!)
James: Don't worry, kid... -=grabs Ash just as he starts to collapse=- We'll help you out... -=smiles warmly=-
Meowth: -=grins and hops on James' shoulder=- Yeh! We can't just letcha' fall ova' dead here in da' road!
Ash: Thanks... My name's Ash, by the way...
James: -=grins=- I'm James!
Meowth: Meowth hyeah... -=licks his paw and scratches at his ear=-
Jessie: Yeah, and I'm Jessie, so look, can I hold that cute little pikachu? ^_^
Roadkill: -=even quieter than before=- kapi...
Jessie: What did he say?
Meowth: He said "Ova' my dead body!"
Ash: -=suddenly brightens for a split second=- Hey! Ironic choice of words! -=snicker=-
Jessie: Hehe... good point... -=snicker=-
-=Ash and Jessie look at each other for a second, then burst into homocidal laughter. Meowth, James, and Roadkill all look uncomfortably at each other. Ash and Jessie finally stop laughing=-
Ash: Okay, so about that hospital?
-=A quick scene transition brings the new friends/soon-to-be enemies into the astoundingly convenient hospital that treats both humans and animals. Ash stumbles blearily up to the front desk and rings the bell a few times=-
Nurse Joy: -=a pretty lady with a pink dress, blue eyes, and bright red hair (... I wonder if she and Jessie are related? ... nah. That's just silly!)=- Yes? How can I help you? -=extremely warm smile=-
Ash: -=starting to fade=- I need to see a doctor... -=finally collapses and passes out=-
Meowth: -=puts his fists on his hips, looks around a bit, then shrugs and looks at Ash=- Well, our woik hyeah is done! -=Jessie and James nod=-
Meowth, Jessie, and James: YOINK! -=they all dash out of the hospital=-
Nurse Joy: -=tilts her head and blinks=- My, what odd people-- Huh? HEY! One of the 7-month-old copies of "Better Homes and Gardens" is missing from the waiting room!
Narrator: -=gasps=- NOOOOOOOOOO!!!
-=fade to black=-
-=... and now fade right back to the hospital, where Ash is just walking out into the waiting room, looking much better (despite the many bandages)=-
Narrator: Oh Ash! Good to see you're alright!
Ash: -=grins and points to the upper half of the screen (where it has been previously noted that the Narrator resides)=- Hey! Right back atcha', unseen booming voice!
Narrator: By the way, you have a visitor...
Ash: Oh? Who is it? -=squeals happily and clasps his hands together=- Santa Claus?
Narrator: ...nnnnot exactly...
-=Misty comes storming through the front doors like a woman possessed, literally carrying her disfigured bicycle over her head with one hand=-
Ash: Apollyon!!! -=dives under Nurse Joy's currently-unoccupied desk=-
Misty: GET OUT FROM UNDER THERE, YOU LITTLE MORON! -=kicks the desk, sending it flying across the room where it hits the wall and explodes into a million little pieces. Ash squeals like a piggy=- LOOK WHAT YOU DID TO MY BIKE! YOU'RE GONNA' PAY FOR THIS, DO YOU HEAR ME???
Ash: -=whimper=- I'm sorry...
Misty: -=grabs him with her free hand and holds him inches away from her face=- Don't pull that crap with me, kid! You just took off with my brand-new bike and totally trashed it!
Ash: -=winces=- I'm sorry, okay? I really am! I had to use it to get away from those spearows!
Misty: -=blink=- You mean they were chasing you?
Narrator: -=very sarcastic=- No, they were exhibiting an all-spearow air show...
Misty: DID I ASK YOU???
Ash: Yes, they were chasing me... and my pikachu... and they caught up to us, and now my pikachu's really hurt and... -=sniffles and closes his eyes tight to keep from crying=-
Misty: -=softens and puts Ash (and the bike) down=- H-hey... I'm sorry... is your pikachu going to be okay?
Ash: -=bites his lip=- That's just it... I don't know. The doctors said I'd just have to wait and see and... -=suddenly turns around and stares excitedly at something along the wall=- HEY! ARE THOSE VIDEO PHONES???
Misty: I don't-- -=Ash zips past her, leaving her blinking in confusion=-
Ash: STELLAR! I thought only my family had video phones! ^_^
Misty: -=puts her hands on her hips and raises an eyebrow=- What are you talking about now, you lunatic?
Ash: -=dialing his phone number=- My grampa invented these things and everyone in my family has one... but they're still kinda' expensive so we don't know anyone else who has 'em...
Misty: Uh huh. Sure. Professor Oak created the videophone, you little dingus... -=blinkblink=- ... Waiiiiiit a minute... You mean to tell me you're Professor Oak's other grandson... what's his name... Ash?
Ash: -=not really listening=- Uh huh. Except the "what's his name" isn't part of my name. -=his mom appears on the videophone monitor=- Hi, Mom!
Mrs. Ketchum: Oh, hello, Ash!
Oak: -=pops up on the screen=- Hi, Ash! I was just conveniently having lunch with your mom today, so I'll be able to speak on the phone with you too! -=blinks and notices Misty=- Oh, hi Misty!
Misty: -=peace sign=- Yo.
Mrs. Ketchum: How are you, Ash sweety?
Ash: Oh, relatively alright, all things considered... I've already made it to Viridian City...
Mrs. Ketchum: Viridian City already? Aww, if only your father was here to see you, he'd be SO proud! You know, it took him four days to get from Pallet to Viridian on his first adventure...
Oak: -=taps his chin in thought=- Hmm... oddly enough, it's also the last place anyone's seen him...
-=Ash, Mrs. Ketchum, and Prof. Oak all look curiously at each other for a moment or two, then shrug it off. We then move along to see Team Rocket walking along the road, minding their own business=-
James: -=reading a 7-month-old copy of "Better Homes and Gardens"=- You know, despite being, y'know, evil and all, I just get such a nice feeling from helping people. You know what I mean? OOH! There's a DARLING curtain design I should try to find!
Jessie: -=nods distantly=- Yeah, I know what you mean... -=looks to James for a second=- Say, James... did that Ash kid seem familiar to you in any way?
James: -=looks up from his magazine=- No, why?
Jessie: I don't know... I've just got this weird feeling about him... -=shrugs=- It's probably just the voices in my head again... -=James nods absent-mindedly. Jessie looks down at Meowth=- What's that, Meowth?
Meowth: Oh, dis? -=carrying Dexter=- It's a PokéDex. I t'ink Ash dropped it... -=flips the "on" switch=-
Dexter: Hi there! Hey... who are you goofballs? Where's Ash and Roadkill?
Meowth: See?
Jessie: -=growls deeply with a bright fire in her deep blue eyes=- "GOOFBALLS"? YOU HAVE THE NERVE TO CALL THE INFAMOUS TEAM ROCKET "GOOFBALLS"?
James: -=huffs and folds his arms=- Well, I never! Just who do you think you are anyway?
Meowth: Yeh! Start explainin' yerself, Tweaky!
Dexter: Glad to! I'm Dexter the PokéDex. Professor Oak designed me specifically for his grandson, Ash... and I didn't like that "Tweaky" reference, Heathcliff...
...
beedi-beedi-beedi...
Meowth: "HEATHCLIFF"!? -=shakes his fist at Dexter=- Why I oughtta'... I'll moida' you...
James: -=snickers=- "Heathcliff"... It's funny 'cuz he's a cat... ^_^ -=blink=- Hey, Jessie... what's the matter?
Jessie: -=staring blankly into space=- Professor... Oak...? -=grins slowly=- Professor Oak is famous...
James: ... yeah... and...?
Jessie: And probably rich...
James and Meowth: ...uh-huh...?
Jessie: And, therefore, his grandson's probably rich too!
James: -=eyes half-closed=- ...I don't see where you're going with this, Jessie... -=instantly snagged by the collar by Jessie's gloved hand and yanked out of the scene=-
Jessie: C'mon, jocko!
James: WOO!
-=And now back to the hospital...=-
Ash: - -; So, yeah... The big jerk ditched me on Viridian Road...
Oak: What???
Mrs. Ketchum: Why that irresponsible little... -=growls angrily=-
Ash: Yeah, so then me and Roadkill got attacked by these demented spearows... -=Misty gets very quiet and looks strangely at Ash=- I'm okay, but I'm kind of worried about Roadkill...
Mrs. Ketchum: Oh, Ash dear... I'm sure Roadkill will be okay...
Oak: -=nods=- I agree. That pikachu of yours is a tough little bugger! I'd be surpised if he threw in the towel that easily... -=smiles and winks encouragingly at Ash=-
Ash: -=remembers something Dexter said about the whole "it'll be okay" debacle=- ... thanks, Mom... thanks, Grampa...
Misty: ... You named your pikachu... Roadkill...? -=Ash nods=- ... you're a real weirdo, you know that?
Ash: Yep... I'm kind of a psycho kid... -=grins and laughs upsettingly=-
Oak: Well, Ash, we'd better be going now. Our pineapple, anchovie, and tofu pizza is getting cold... -=Misty makes a disgusted face=-
Ash: Kay...
Mrs. Ketchum: You be careful, now, Ash...
Ash: I know. I will.
Mrs. Ketchum: And remember to change your underwear every day! -=Misty snickers=-
Ash: - -; Sure, Mom... bye now...
Mrs. Ketchum: Bye!
Oak: Bye!
Misty: -=as Ash hangs up=- ... BWAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Underwear!!! GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!
Ash: -=flailing his fists about and whining=- Shut up! Just shut up! It's just not that funny!
Misty: -=rolling around on the floor=- Oh that's rich!!!
-=suddenly, the lights go dim and a melodramatic theme song begins to play=-
Narrator: -=snoring a little=- zzzz... Gah? Wha? What happened?
Misty: -=pops up=- What the--?
Ash: The Hooded One is nearby! -=freaks out=- SAVE US, RED DRAGON!!!
Misty: ... -=glances at Ash for a moment=-
-=Just then, the front door is kicked open by a familiar young woman=-
Jessie: -=being embarrassingly dramatic=- Prepare for TROUBLE!!!
James: -=bursts in beside her and holds a rose=- Make that double...
-=Ash and Misty look at each other=-
Jessie: To protect the world from devastation...
James: To unite all peoples within our nation...
Jessie: To denounce the evils of truth and love...
-=Misty tilts her head and raises an eyebrow=-
James: To extend our reach to the stars above...
Jessie: Jessie!
James: James!
Jessie: Team Rocket! Blast off at the speed of light!
James: Surrender now or prepare to fight!
Meowth: -=somersaults over their heads and lands perfectly in front of the two drama club dropouts=- Meeeeeeeyowth! Dat's right!
Ash: -=as the lights suddenly turn back on=- Oh! Hi, guys! Good to see you again! How you doing?
James and Jessie: Oh, just fine, thanks! ^_^
Misty: Wait a minute... Ash, are you saying you know these guys?
Ash: Yeah, why?
Misty: They're members of Team Rocket! One of the most-feared gangs in Kanto!
Meowth: Yeh! An' don't you f'get it, goily!
Misty: ... Just as a side-note... that little speech of yours is sort of arbitrary to itself, don't you think? I mean one minute you're defending the world, the next you're denouncing truth? It doesn't really work...
Jessie: -=grabs Misty and glares into her eyes=- NEVER insult the sacred oath, little girl!
Misty: ... -=blinkblink=- O o; ... okay...
Ash: So whatcha' guys here for, anyway?
James: Well, you dropped this... -=hands Dexter to Ash=-
Dexter: Hey, Ash! Try bein' a little more careful next time!
Ash: Oh thanks!
Meowth: An' one udda' t'ing... -=points his finger at Ash as if it's a gun=- Give us all your money!
Ash: What?
Jessie: -=still holding Misty by the collar=- You heard us, kid! Your money or your life!
Ash: NO!
James: Don't make us get rough, Ash... -=glares at him=-
Ash: NO!
Jessie, James, and Meowth: ... please?
Misty: ... - O You guys really aren't very good at this, are you?
Jessie: SHUT UP!
James: no, we're not... -=gets slapped by Jessie=- OW!!!
Nurse Joy: -=walks out into the waiting room, carrying Roadkill, and sporting a number of noticeable burns=- Alright, Ash... Your pikachu seems to be doing fine now... Now PLEASE! TAKE IT! Take it before it claims another innocent life!!!
Ash: Kay. -=reaches out to take Roadkill=-
Roadkill: Ka -=painfully electrocutes Joy just before Ash grabs him again=-
Ash: Hiya, Road! Doing alright? -=hugs him=-
Joy: -=stares, smoldering, at Roadkill=- eeeeevil...
Meowth: Whateva'. So you gonna' give us your money or whut?
Ash: -=overtly dramatic, clenches his fist and yells=- NEVER!!!!
James: GAH!
Jessie: Okay, fine. You don't have to yell about it...
Meowth: Sheesh...
-=Ash tosses Roadkill to the ground=-
Roadkill: -=bounces lightly=- KA!
Ash: Roadkill! Thundershock these guys outta' the room!
-=Misty and Joy appear in little surprise panels in the corners of the screen=-
Misty: You little maniac! You can't sic your pokémon on another human being!
Ash: -=stares wildly at Misty and still acts all dramatic-like=- It's MY party and I'll cry if I want to!
Dexter: -=whispering fearfully=- just... humor him...
Misty: Gah! Fine... Just keep away from me, weirdo...
James: Well two can play at this game...
Jessie: Or three...
James: Yeah well... okay, you know what I mean... WEEZER! GO! -=tosses a pokéball=-
Jessie: GETTIM, COILY! -=throws a pokéball as well=-
-=From the thrown balls pop out a koffing: what looks like a round, purple meteorite with a chronically happy grin on it's face; and an ekans: a... purple snake, pretty much=-
Meowth: Meowth! Rippem apart!
-=Meowth leaps out in front of the two new pokémon. We are then treated to multiple painting shots of Roadkill and the Team Rocket pokémon staring off, then Ash and Team Rocket staring off, then Roadkill and Meowth specifically, then Ash and Jessie specifically, then Misty sighing and rolling her eyes, then Dib Casil and Invader Zim staring off, then Pac-Man and Duke Nukem staring off, then a guy screaming in fear at the realization that his soup has a fly in it, then James scratching his head absent-mindedly, then...=-
Joy: HOLD IT RIGHT THERE! There is NO fighting allowed in this, or any other hospital!
James, Jessie, Ash, Meowth, Roadkill, Coily, and Weezer: -=all look at each other=- Meh... -=the ones who can shrug do so=-
Meowth: U-tilitizing my fine cat-like grace an' speed, I shall kindly make da' foist move; even though it will be expected now dat I've spoken about it! FURY SWIPES!!! MEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!! -=lunges at Roadkill, knocking him over and clawing at him=-
Jessie: Coily! Submission Hold, now!
Misty: -=yes, still being held by the collar=- You know, I kind of suspected you were into that kind of thing...
Jessie: -=looks innocently confused=- What?
Misty: ... nevermind...
Jessie: ... I like cute animals! ^_^
Misty: -=smacks her forehead=- I'm surrounded by idiots...
-=Anyway, back to the battle, Coily diligently obeys her master by constricting tightly around Roadkill... and Meowth...=-
Roadkill: Pikachu!
Meowth: AGH! Let go a' me, ya' stupid snake!
Joy: That's it. I'm calling the cops... -=heads to the phone=-
Narrator: Yeah, and call me a pizza, wouldja?
Dexter: And call me irresponsible!
James: Weezer! Smokescreen!
Weezer: Koffeeeng... -=expels a thick smoke...=-
Author: -=resists making a really, really juvenile joke=-
Weezer: -=blanketing the whole room in a choking fog=-
Ash: -=chokes=- Enough of this! Roadkill! Thundershock!
Roadkill: Piiii...
Dexter: ... whoa... wait a second...
Roadkill: ...kaaaaaa....
Narrator: ... that was a bad move, wasn't it?
Dexter: Mmmmyep...
Roadkill: CHUUUUUUUU!!!
Misty: - -; oh crap...
-=The entire stinkin' hospital EXPLODES as the electricity mixes with the flammable gas. All the Team Rocket characters are inadvertently blown sky-high while Ash, Dexter, Misty, Roadkill, and Joy are all still rooted in place... though covered in soot and whatnot. They all stand there blinking amid the Rubble.=-
Betty: I can't help but think including us as a cameo here makes for a really awful pun...
Barney: -=deep, goofy giggle=- But it sure is a funny one!
-=... okay, I apologize for that... anyway...=-
Team Rocket: -=flying off into oblivion=- Looks like Team Rocket's blasting off againnnn...
-=A police siren is heard fastly approaching=-
Officer Jenny: -=zooms up on her motorcycle and stops right at ground zero=- Shoot. Late again. I really need to get my act together...
-=Ash, Misty, Roadkill, and Joy all collapse. (Dexter can't collapse, but he's in Ash's pocket, so he at least falls over with him)=-
Narrator: -=over an arial shot of the smoking remains of the hospital=- What an EXPLOSIVE adventure, right folks? heh... heheh... -=laughs nervously, realizes that no one else is laughing, then groans horribly=- oh god it hurts... anyway, another episode through and already the cast has thickened out considerably! AND we've been treated to the first real display of extensive property damage in the show! Whee! By the way, don't worry. No one else was in the hospital when all of this happened... no one likable anyway. So, be sure to tune in next time for another adventure in... Pokémon Alpha!!!
To Be Continued...
Officer Jenny: -=as the screen freezes, she walks out to speak to the audience again=- This would be the second mark on Ash's criminal record... When he called his family, he dialed '0' instead of collect, keeping his mother from saving a buck or two. -=salutes=- END!
Apu: Thank you for comeeng! I'll see you een Hell!
--------------
Pokémon Alpha
by the Mysterious Dr. X
episode three
Pokémon Emergency
Narrator: -=as is often the case with these sorts of programs, choice scenes of the previous episode are flashed by in front of the screen for a quick recollection of the story up to this point=- Previously, on Pokémon Alpha: Unaided by his hot-tempered pikachu Roadkill, Ash made his own attempt to capture his first pokémon; ultimately enraging a flock of spearows. Ash and Roadkill just narrowly escaped a vicious death at the talons of the psychotic pokémon, but not without receiving some nasty battlescars from the incident. -=now we're shown a nice, clean, moderately-sized and friendly-looking city=- Fortunately, our heroes have just reached Viridian City, where they will be able to get some medical attention an-- -=gunshots are heard=- What the--!? What's goin' on out hyah???
-=on the outskirts of the city lies a little roadside convenience store labelled "Kwik-E-Mart." It is from this store that the gunshots are originating. Suddenly, 3 figures burst out from the front door, tripping and falling over each other in a mad attempt to get as far away from the establishment as possible. A few seconds later, after the clumsy trio have managed to put some distance between themselves and the Kwik-E-Mart, a tall Indian man with a pot belly and a shotgun storms out, waving his fist in the air=-
Apu: An' doon't come back you leetle hoodlums!
-=Apu turns around to go back into his store when an ugly little fat kid in a blue vest runs out with handful of stolen beef jerky=-
Apu: AGH! -=shakes his fist=- Hands off my jerky, turkey!
Nelson: -=stuffs a stick of jerky in his mouth and points at Apu=- Ha-haw!
Narrator: Well enough of that mess. Who were those three weirdos who ran out of the store to begin with?
-=Giggling (amid gasps of breath) near the Viridian City limits are a little creme-colored biped cat with a gold charm resting on his head, and two humans (a young man with shoulder-length blue hair and a young woman with impossibly long red hair) in matching white-and-black uniforms with a large red R on their vests... well, sort of matching. I mean, the guy's got pants and a normal-length shirt while the girl's wearing a shirt and skirt that, in MY opinion are just a little too short and should be a little longer for modesty's sake... I mean... oh sod it. You get the idea=-
James: -=the guy, obviously... speaking in a deep voice with a slightly British accent=- Huzzah, Meowth! Job well done!
Jessie: -=snickering and brushing her hair back with her fingers=- I can't believe one of your plans actually worked!
Meowth: -=grins sneakily and winks at her, shaking his finger in a reprimanding manner=- O' course it woiked! Was dere eva' any doubt? I'm just naturally so cute an' adorable, it was child's play ta' distract dat stupid convenience store clerk whilst you two made off wit da goods!
-=We're suddenly treated to a flashback of the incident. Wearing a top hat and carrying a cane, Meowth leaps onto the counter and starts dancing around...=-
Meowth: Hello, mah baby, hello mah honey...
Apu: Oh! Look at that adorable leetle cat! His zany antics make me laugh and conveniently distract me from my work!
-=Back to reality, Jessie and James both look at each other and make a low noise that suggests their disbelief that Meowth is THAT adorable=-
Meowth: -=narrows one eye and raises the other eyebrow=- So what didja' swipe anywayz?
Jessie: -=squealy giggle=- I managed to get off with five dollars from the open cash register! -=holds up the cash triumphantly=-
James: -=even squealier giggle=- And I got two pocketfulls of jerky AND a giant cherry Squishee!
-=Jessie and Meowth look disbelievingly at James=-
Jessie: -=cold, biting tone=- Is that the BEST you can do? -=whaps James upside the head=-
James: -=huff=- I think I did rather well, thank you! -=pulls out the Squishee, stuffs a straw in it and slurps loudly from it=-
Jessie: -=gets big starry eyes=- HEY! GIMME SOME! -=jabs another straw in. They both drink loudly, suddenly halt in a pained and wall-eyed expression, then fall over in agony, both shrieking "BRAINFREEZE!!! AAAAAAAAARRRRGH!!!"=-
Meowth: -=blinks twice=- Five bucks... Oh joyous day. Heaven knows da' endless riches Team Rocket has acquired t'day... now dat we've got five bucks an' a Squishee...
James: -=weakly raises his hand and points up=- don't forget the jerky...
-=the entirely pointless prattle of the moment is halted by a familiar, yet unhealthy-sounding voice=-
Ash: -=carrying Roadkill in his arms=- Excuse me... Could you three tell me where I could find a hospital?
-=Jessie and James suddenly dart back up and Meowth whips around to look at Ash=-
Jessie: -=concerned=- Oh my... you don't look too good...
Ash: -=looks up at Jessie with a distant about-to-faint-from-pain-any-moment expression in his eyes=- You're no prize yourself, sister!
James: -=grabs Jessie's fist before she has a chance to wail on the kid=- Jessie! ^_^; Take it easy! He's obviously delusional with pain...
Meowth: I t'ink she means you don't look very healthy...
Roadkill: -=hardly audible=- pika pikachu cheee... (Translation: That's why he asked about the hospital, genius...)
Meowth: Don' get smart wit' me, rat!
Jessie: -=sounding concerned again, just after having a psychotic moment (Ever noticed how often Jessie has moodswings in the show? I dunno, maybe James does it too, but it's a lot more noticeable when Jessie does it...)=- Aw, that poor little pikachu! Is it okay? -=pokes Roadkill's many wounds over and over again=-
Roadkill: Pika... Pika... Pika... PIKA! (ow... ow... ow... OW!)
James: Don't worry, kid... -=grabs Ash just as he starts to collapse=- We'll help you out... -=smiles warmly=-
Meowth: -=grins and hops on James' shoulder=- Yeh! We can't just letcha' fall ova' dead here in da' road!
Ash: Thanks... My name's Ash, by the way...
James: -=grins=- I'm James!
Meowth: Meowth hyeah... -=licks his paw and scratches at his ear=-
Jessie: Yeah, and I'm Jessie, so look, can I hold that cute little pikachu? ^_^
Roadkill: -=even quieter than before=- kapi...
Jessie: What did he say?
Meowth: He said "Ova' my dead body!"
Ash: -=suddenly brightens for a split second=- Hey! Ironic choice of words! -=snicker=-
Jessie: Hehe... good point... -=snicker=-
-=Ash and Jessie look at each other for a second, then burst into homocidal laughter. Meowth, James, and Roadkill all look uncomfortably at each other. Ash and Jessie finally stop laughing=-
Ash: Okay, so about that hospital?
-=A quick scene transition brings the new friends/soon-to-be enemies into the astoundingly convenient hospital that treats both humans and animals. Ash stumbles blearily up to the front desk and rings the bell a few times=-
Nurse Joy: -=a pretty lady with a pink dress, blue eyes, and bright red hair (... I wonder if she and Jessie are related? ... nah. That's just silly!)=- Yes? How can I help you? -=extremely warm smile=-
Ash: -=starting to fade=- I need to see a doctor... -=finally collapses and passes out=-
Meowth: -=puts his fists on his hips, looks around a bit, then shrugs and looks at Ash=- Well, our woik hyeah is done! -=Jessie and James nod=-
Meowth, Jessie, and James: YOINK! -=they all dash out of the hospital=-
Nurse Joy: -=tilts her head and blinks=- My, what odd people-- Huh? HEY! One of the 7-month-old copies of "Better Homes and Gardens" is missing from the waiting room!
Narrator: -=gasps=- NOOOOOOOOOO!!!
-=fade to black=-
-=... and now fade right back to the hospital, where Ash is just walking out into the waiting room, looking much better (despite the many bandages)=-
Narrator: Oh Ash! Good to see you're alright!
Ash: -=grins and points to the upper half of the screen (where it has been previously noted that the Narrator resides)=- Hey! Right back atcha', unseen booming voice!
Narrator: By the way, you have a visitor...
Ash: Oh? Who is it? -=squeals happily and clasps his hands together=- Santa Claus?
Narrator: ...nnnnot exactly...
-=Misty comes storming through the front doors like a woman possessed, literally carrying her disfigured bicycle over her head with one hand=-
Ash: Apollyon!!! -=dives under Nurse Joy's currently-unoccupied desk=-
Misty: GET OUT FROM UNDER THERE, YOU LITTLE MORON! -=kicks the desk, sending it flying across the room where it hits the wall and explodes into a million little pieces. Ash squeals like a piggy=- LOOK WHAT YOU DID TO MY BIKE! YOU'RE GONNA' PAY FOR THIS, DO YOU HEAR ME???
Ash: -=whimper=- I'm sorry...
Misty: -=grabs him with her free hand and holds him inches away from her face=- Don't pull that crap with me, kid! You just took off with my brand-new bike and totally trashed it!
Ash: -=winces=- I'm sorry, okay? I really am! I had to use it to get away from those spearows!
Misty: -=blink=- You mean they were chasing you?
Narrator: -=very sarcastic=- No, they were exhibiting an all-spearow air show...
Misty: DID I ASK YOU???
Ash: Yes, they were chasing me... and my pikachu... and they caught up to us, and now my pikachu's really hurt and... -=sniffles and closes his eyes tight to keep from crying=-
Misty: -=softens and puts Ash (and the bike) down=- H-hey... I'm sorry... is your pikachu going to be okay?
Ash: -=bites his lip=- That's just it... I don't know. The doctors said I'd just have to wait and see and... -=suddenly turns around and stares excitedly at something along the wall=- HEY! ARE THOSE VIDEO PHONES???
Misty: I don't-- -=Ash zips past her, leaving her blinking in confusion=-
Ash: STELLAR! I thought only my family had video phones! ^_^
Misty: -=puts her hands on her hips and raises an eyebrow=- What are you talking about now, you lunatic?
Ash: -=dialing his phone number=- My grampa invented these things and everyone in my family has one... but they're still kinda' expensive so we don't know anyone else who has 'em...
Misty: Uh huh. Sure. Professor Oak created the videophone, you little dingus... -=blinkblink=- ... Waiiiiiit a minute... You mean to tell me you're Professor Oak's other grandson... what's his name... Ash?
Ash: -=not really listening=- Uh huh. Except the "what's his name" isn't part of my name. -=his mom appears on the videophone monitor=- Hi, Mom!
Mrs. Ketchum: Oh, hello, Ash!
Oak: -=pops up on the screen=- Hi, Ash! I was just conveniently having lunch with your mom today, so I'll be able to speak on the phone with you too! -=blinks and notices Misty=- Oh, hi Misty!
Misty: -=peace sign=- Yo.
Mrs. Ketchum: How are you, Ash sweety?
Ash: Oh, relatively alright, all things considered... I've already made it to Viridian City...
Mrs. Ketchum: Viridian City already? Aww, if only your father was here to see you, he'd be SO proud! You know, it took him four days to get from Pallet to Viridian on his first adventure...
Oak: -=taps his chin in thought=- Hmm... oddly enough, it's also the last place anyone's seen him...
-=Ash, Mrs. Ketchum, and Prof. Oak all look curiously at each other for a moment or two, then shrug it off. We then move along to see Team Rocket walking along the road, minding their own business=-
James: -=reading a 7-month-old copy of "Better Homes and Gardens"=- You know, despite being, y'know, evil and all, I just get such a nice feeling from helping people. You know what I mean? OOH! There's a DARLING curtain design I should try to find!
Jessie: -=nods distantly=- Yeah, I know what you mean... -=looks to James for a second=- Say, James... did that Ash kid seem familiar to you in any way?
James: -=looks up from his magazine=- No, why?
Jessie: I don't know... I've just got this weird feeling about him... -=shrugs=- It's probably just the voices in my head again... -=James nods absent-mindedly. Jessie looks down at Meowth=- What's that, Meowth?
Meowth: Oh, dis? -=carrying Dexter=- It's a PokéDex. I t'ink Ash dropped it... -=flips the "on" switch=-
Dexter: Hi there! Hey... who are you goofballs? Where's Ash and Roadkill?
Meowth: See?
Jessie: -=growls deeply with a bright fire in her deep blue eyes=- "GOOFBALLS"? YOU HAVE THE NERVE TO CALL THE INFAMOUS TEAM ROCKET "GOOFBALLS"?
James: -=huffs and folds his arms=- Well, I never! Just who do you think you are anyway?
Meowth: Yeh! Start explainin' yerself, Tweaky!
Dexter: Glad to! I'm Dexter the PokéDex. Professor Oak designed me specifically for his grandson, Ash... and I didn't like that "Tweaky" reference, Heathcliff...
...
beedi-beedi-beedi...
Meowth: "HEATHCLIFF"!? -=shakes his fist at Dexter=- Why I oughtta'... I'll moida' you...
James: -=snickers=- "Heathcliff"... It's funny 'cuz he's a cat... ^_^ -=blink=- Hey, Jessie... what's the matter?
Jessie: -=staring blankly into space=- Professor... Oak...? -=grins slowly=- Professor Oak is famous...
James: ... yeah... and...?
Jessie: And probably rich...
James and Meowth: ...uh-huh...?
Jessie: And, therefore, his grandson's probably rich too!
James: -=eyes half-closed=- ...I don't see where you're going with this, Jessie... -=instantly snagged by the collar by Jessie's gloved hand and yanked out of the scene=-
Jessie: C'mon, jocko!
James: WOO!
-=And now back to the hospital...=-
Ash: - -; So, yeah... The big jerk ditched me on Viridian Road...
Oak: What???
Mrs. Ketchum: Why that irresponsible little... -=growls angrily=-
Ash: Yeah, so then me and Roadkill got attacked by these demented spearows... -=Misty gets very quiet and looks strangely at Ash=- I'm okay, but I'm kind of worried about Roadkill...
Mrs. Ketchum: Oh, Ash dear... I'm sure Roadkill will be okay...
Oak: -=nods=- I agree. That pikachu of yours is a tough little bugger! I'd be surpised if he threw in the towel that easily... -=smiles and winks encouragingly at Ash=-
Ash: -=remembers something Dexter said about the whole "it'll be okay" debacle=- ... thanks, Mom... thanks, Grampa...
Misty: ... You named your pikachu... Roadkill...? -=Ash nods=- ... you're a real weirdo, you know that?
Ash: Yep... I'm kind of a psycho kid... -=grins and laughs upsettingly=-
Oak: Well, Ash, we'd better be going now. Our pineapple, anchovie, and tofu pizza is getting cold... -=Misty makes a disgusted face=-
Ash: Kay...
Mrs. Ketchum: You be careful, now, Ash...
Ash: I know. I will.
Mrs. Ketchum: And remember to change your underwear every day! -=Misty snickers=-
Ash: - -; Sure, Mom... bye now...
Mrs. Ketchum: Bye!
Oak: Bye!
Misty: -=as Ash hangs up=- ... BWAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Underwear!!! GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!
Ash: -=flailing his fists about and whining=- Shut up! Just shut up! It's just not that funny!
Misty: -=rolling around on the floor=- Oh that's rich!!!
-=suddenly, the lights go dim and a melodramatic theme song begins to play=-
Narrator: -=snoring a little=- zzzz... Gah? Wha? What happened?
Misty: -=pops up=- What the--?
Ash: The Hooded One is nearby! -=freaks out=- SAVE US, RED DRAGON!!!
Misty: ... -=glances at Ash for a moment=-
-=Just then, the front door is kicked open by a familiar young woman=-
Jessie: -=being embarrassingly dramatic=- Prepare for TROUBLE!!!
James: -=bursts in beside her and holds a rose=- Make that double...
-=Ash and Misty look at each other=-
Jessie: To protect the world from devastation...
James: To unite all peoples within our nation...
Jessie: To denounce the evils of truth and love...
-=Misty tilts her head and raises an eyebrow=-
James: To extend our reach to the stars above...
Jessie: Jessie!
James: James!
Jessie: Team Rocket! Blast off at the speed of light!
James: Surrender now or prepare to fight!
Meowth: -=somersaults over their heads and lands perfectly in front of the two drama club dropouts=- Meeeeeeeyowth! Dat's right!
Ash: -=as the lights suddenly turn back on=- Oh! Hi, guys! Good to see you again! How you doing?
James and Jessie: Oh, just fine, thanks! ^_^
Misty: Wait a minute... Ash, are you saying you know these guys?
Ash: Yeah, why?
Misty: They're members of Team Rocket! One of the most-feared gangs in Kanto!
Meowth: Yeh! An' don't you f'get it, goily!
Misty: ... Just as a side-note... that little speech of yours is sort of arbitrary to itself, don't you think? I mean one minute you're defending the world, the next you're denouncing truth? It doesn't really work...
Jessie: -=grabs Misty and glares into her eyes=- NEVER insult the sacred oath, little girl!
Misty: ... -=blinkblink=- O o; ... okay...
Ash: So whatcha' guys here for, anyway?
James: Well, you dropped this... -=hands Dexter to Ash=-
Dexter: Hey, Ash! Try bein' a little more careful next time!
Ash: Oh thanks!
Meowth: An' one udda' t'ing... -=points his finger at Ash as if it's a gun=- Give us all your money!
Ash: What?
Jessie: -=still holding Misty by the collar=- You heard us, kid! Your money or your life!
Ash: NO!
James: Don't make us get rough, Ash... -=glares at him=-
Ash: NO!
Jessie, James, and Meowth: ... please?
Misty: ... - O You guys really aren't very good at this, are you?
Jessie: SHUT UP!
James: no, we're not... -=gets slapped by Jessie=- OW!!!
Nurse Joy: -=walks out into the waiting room, carrying Roadkill, and sporting a number of noticeable burns=- Alright, Ash... Your pikachu seems to be doing fine now... Now PLEASE! TAKE IT! Take it before it claims another innocent life!!!
Ash: Kay. -=reaches out to take Roadkill=-
Roadkill: Ka -=painfully electrocutes Joy just before Ash grabs him again=-
Ash: Hiya, Road! Doing alright? -=hugs him=-
Joy: -=stares, smoldering, at Roadkill=- eeeeevil...
Meowth: Whateva'. So you gonna' give us your money or whut?
Ash: -=overtly dramatic, clenches his fist and yells=- NEVER!!!!
James: GAH!
Jessie: Okay, fine. You don't have to yell about it...
Meowth: Sheesh...
-=Ash tosses Roadkill to the ground=-
Roadkill: -=bounces lightly=- KA!
Ash: Roadkill! Thundershock these guys outta' the room!
-=Misty and Joy appear in little surprise panels in the corners of the screen=-
Misty: You little maniac! You can't sic your pokémon on another human being!
Ash: -=stares wildly at Misty and still acts all dramatic-like=- It's MY party and I'll cry if I want to!
Dexter: -=whispering fearfully=- just... humor him...
Misty: Gah! Fine... Just keep away from me, weirdo...
James: Well two can play at this game...
Jessie: Or three...
James: Yeah well... okay, you know what I mean... WEEZER! GO! -=tosses a pokéball=-
Jessie: GETTIM, COILY! -=throws a pokéball as well=-
-=From the thrown balls pop out a koffing: what looks like a round, purple meteorite with a chronically happy grin on it's face; and an ekans: a... purple snake, pretty much=-
Meowth: Meowth! Rippem apart!
-=Meowth leaps out in front of the two new pokémon. We are then treated to multiple painting shots of Roadkill and the Team Rocket pokémon staring off, then Ash and Team Rocket staring off, then Roadkill and Meowth specifically, then Ash and Jessie specifically, then Misty sighing and rolling her eyes, then Dib Casil and Invader Zim staring off, then Pac-Man and Duke Nukem staring off, then a guy screaming in fear at the realization that his soup has a fly in it, then James scratching his head absent-mindedly, then...=-
Joy: HOLD IT RIGHT THERE! There is NO fighting allowed in this, or any other hospital!
James, Jessie, Ash, Meowth, Roadkill, Coily, and Weezer: -=all look at each other=- Meh... -=the ones who can shrug do so=-
Meowth: U-tilitizing my fine cat-like grace an' speed, I shall kindly make da' foist move; even though it will be expected now dat I've spoken about it! FURY SWIPES!!! MEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!! -=lunges at Roadkill, knocking him over and clawing at him=-
Jessie: Coily! Submission Hold, now!
Misty: -=yes, still being held by the collar=- You know, I kind of suspected you were into that kind of thing...
Jessie: -=looks innocently confused=- What?
Misty: ... nevermind...
Jessie: ... I like cute animals! ^_^
Misty: -=smacks her forehead=- I'm surrounded by idiots...
-=Anyway, back to the battle, Coily diligently obeys her master by constricting tightly around Roadkill... and Meowth...=-
Roadkill: Pikachu!
Meowth: AGH! Let go a' me, ya' stupid snake!
Joy: That's it. I'm calling the cops... -=heads to the phone=-
Narrator: Yeah, and call me a pizza, wouldja?
Dexter: And call me irresponsible!
James: Weezer! Smokescreen!
Weezer: Koffeeeng... -=expels a thick smoke...=-
Author: -=resists making a really, really juvenile joke=-
Weezer: -=blanketing the whole room in a choking fog=-
Ash: -=chokes=- Enough of this! Roadkill! Thundershock!
Roadkill: Piiii...
Dexter: ... whoa... wait a second...
Roadkill: ...kaaaaaa....
Narrator: ... that was a bad move, wasn't it?
Dexter: Mmmmyep...
Roadkill: CHUUUUUUUU!!!
Misty: - -; oh crap...
-=The entire stinkin' hospital EXPLODES as the electricity mixes with the flammable gas. All the Team Rocket characters are inadvertently blown sky-high while Ash, Dexter, Misty, Roadkill, and Joy are all still rooted in place... though covered in soot and whatnot. They all stand there blinking amid the Rubble.=-
Betty: I can't help but think including us as a cameo here makes for a really awful pun...
Barney: -=deep, goofy giggle=- But it sure is a funny one!
-=... okay, I apologize for that... anyway...=-
Team Rocket: -=flying off into oblivion=- Looks like Team Rocket's blasting off againnnn...
-=A police siren is heard fastly approaching=-
Officer Jenny: -=zooms up on her motorcycle and stops right at ground zero=- Shoot. Late again. I really need to get my act together...
-=Ash, Misty, Roadkill, and Joy all collapse. (Dexter can't collapse, but he's in Ash's pocket, so he at least falls over with him)=-
Narrator: -=over an arial shot of the smoking remains of the hospital=- What an EXPLOSIVE adventure, right folks? heh... heheh... -=laughs nervously, realizes that no one else is laughing, then groans horribly=- oh god it hurts... anyway, another episode through and already the cast has thickened out considerably! AND we've been treated to the first real display of extensive property damage in the show! Whee! By the way, don't worry. No one else was in the hospital when all of this happened... no one likable anyway. So, be sure to tune in next time for another adventure in... Pokémon Alpha!!!
To Be Continued...
Officer Jenny: -=as the screen freezes, she walks out to speak to the audience again=- This would be the second mark on Ash's criminal record... When he called his family, he dialed '0' instead of collect, keeping his mother from saving a buck or two. -=salutes=- END!
Apu: Thank you for comeeng! I'll see you een Hell!
