Even I don't understand this episode, folks... --Dr. X

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Pokémon Alpha

by the Mysterious Dr. X

episode ten

Buggin' Out

-=Surprise, surprise! Today's episode starts with Ash, Brock, Misty, Tracey, and Roadkill walking through the woods! Man, never a dull moment on this show, is there?=-

Narrator: Previously on Pokémon Alpha; Thanks to an angst-ridden psychotic episode from Roadkill, Ash succeeded in earning the Boulder Badge in battle from Brock (Whew! Try saying that five times fast!). Also, Brock decided to travel with Ash and Misty to provide sage advice and try to keep Misty from murdering Ash. Tracey came along too because he's a worthless layabout and Brock's dad was sicka' lookin' at 'im... Now let's see what's goin' on, huh?

-=Everyone has an extremely irritated look on their faces as we hear Tracey whining like a baby=-

Tracey: EhhhHhHhHhHhhh... I don't like it out here! It's too hot and itchy and there's bugs biting me and I'm sweating and I'm missing "Bob the Builder" and...

Ash: Is he always like that, Brock?

Brock: Yeah... Unfortunately. -=shrugs=- What can I say? Tracey's an egotistical artist and he doesn't like to go outside very much...

-=A high-pitched shriek that sounds like it should be coming from a 7-year-old girl is coming from Tracey's manly throat=-

Tracey: -=pointing up into the sky=- EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!!! What is that? What the heck is that hot, yellow, blinding thing in the sky???

Misty: That's the SUN, idiot!

Tracey: -=snarls and cowers=- Ssss!!! Cursssed yellow face!!! It burnsss usss, it doesss! Ssssss...

Roadkill: Pi pikachu? [Can I kill him, Ash?]

Ash: Yeah, go ahead Road, I... -=squeal=- BUG!!!

-=Tracey and Misty squeal and cling to each other=-

Tracey and Misty: EEEEEEEEEK!!! WHERE? WHERE? KILLIT KILLIT KILLIT!!!

-=Ash yanks Dexter out of his pocket and aims him at the little yellow, spiked caterpillar on the ground. Nothing happens=-

Brock: ... -=taps Ash's shoulder and mumbles encouragingly=- Try turning it on...

Ash: ... -=narrows his eyes slowly as a tea kettle is heard whistling. His eyes pop open as an eggtimer is heard dinging=- Oh right! -=He flips the power switch=-

Dexter: -=demanding tone=- WHERE'S MY FOLGER'S???

Ash: -=deep, gruff, Southern accent=- Tayll me whut that bug is or Ah kew yew!

Dexter: That? It's a weedle. S'got poison stingers. Grows up into a beedrill. Now gimme my coffee... -=Ash shuts him off=- Oh god no! I'm crashing.... -=fades out=-

Author: -=everyone looks around blankly as his voice is heard=- Ugh. Sorry, all. This isn't coming out very funny at all. I guess I'm just kind of tired and writing witty comedy is difficult when you're feeling worn out...

Narrator: Why don't you go take a break to rest or get a snack and get back to writing later?

Author: Good idea... I'll be back in a bit, everyone. Mill around as is your wont...

-=Everyone kind of mutters to themselves as the Author walks off=-

Brock: So um...

Misty: -=cough=- Yeah...

Roadkill: -=eats some sunflower seeds=-

Tracey: So what now?

Ash: Well I'm still gonna' get that weedle before it runs away! -=reaches into his backpack=- Dirty Bird! I choose--

Misty: He'll only try to eat it!

Ash: Oh, that's right... Um... Roadkill! Help m--

Roadkill: -=flips Ash off=-

Ash: -=groans=- FINE! Fossilized Frog Turd! -=throws a pokéball and metapod-Buttercup flops out=- GO!!! -=he then grabs Buttercup and juicily smashes the weedle over and over again. Weedle guts go everywhere=-

-=Roadkill watches with sick amusement=-

Ash: -=waving Buttercup triumphantly like a caveman with his club=- THERE! THAT'LL TEACH YA' NOT TA' GO 'ROUND TELLIN' EVERYONE ABOUT THE OMEGA CODE!!!

Misty: Ugh... urp... -=throws up all over Tracey=-

Tracey: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Now I'll actually have to wash my shirt! I was trying to go for a whole year without doing that! At this rate I'll never be a real self-respecting hippy artist!

Brock: ... -=blink=- Ash, weren't you trying to capture that weedle?

Ash: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB, HORACE? -=brandishes Buttercup in his face, left eye now replaced with a goofy red swirl=- Do I? DO I??? ANSWER ME, DAMN YOU!!!

Brock: -=holds up his hands and smiles nervously=- Alright, alright... ^_^; Just put the weapon down, Tarzan! Me friend!

Ash: Hmmm... -=looks at Roadkill while sticking out his bottom jaw=- What think you, loyal elephant companion Tantor?

-=Roadkill grins diabolically and makes a cutting motion across his throat with his paw. Ash nods and grunts his approval. Before Ash can club Brock to death with his incapacitated pokémon, however, that familiar ol' themesong starts to play again=-

Misty: -=still gagging a little, her back being patted by Tracey=- Oh... -=grk=- Oh no... -_-;

Tracey: -=now wearing a clean shirt that looks like Charlie Brown's shirt=- Oh no what?

Misty: -=whirls her arm around (smacking Tracey in the face) to point to the two figures now appearing in sillhouette nearby=- Oh no THAT...

Jessie: -=flips out of the forest shadows and onto the ground by Ash=- PREPARE for TROUB--OOF! -=slips on the weedle ick and falls flat on her face=-

James: Make that DOUB-EEK! -=follows suit. He and Jessie quickly sit up and look disgusted=- Ewww-hoo! I say, what is this stuff?

Everyone Else: Weedle guts... -=they all shrug nonchalantly=-

Jessie and James: EWWWWWWWWWWW!!!

Jessie: -=whiney=- This is hardly lady-like!

James: -=even moreso=- This will never come out in the wash!

Meowth: -=hops in and lands on James' head=- 'Ey! What's wit'choo two? Yer s'posed ta' come out an' make us look scary! Not STOOPID! What's da' big idea o' slippin' all ova' da' place?

Jessie: -=folds her arms and speaks haughtily=- YOU try maintaining your composure while standing in a puddle of giant worm ooze... -=James nods defiantly, his tongue hanging out=-

Misty: Ugh... -=rubs her stomach and turns green=- That's so gross...

Brock: -=double-blinks=- Who the heck are you guys?

James: -=hoity-toity=- We're the infamous Team Rocket! -=slips and falls over again=- OOH!

Tracey: -=screams like a girl (AGAIN!) and clings to Brock=- SERIOUSLY??? You're really members of that gang???

-=Jessie and Brock are heard speaking at the same time=-

Jessie: Why else do you think we're wearing the "R" vests, bozo?

Brock: Tracey, I'm giving you 'till the count of three to get off my back...

Ash: ^_^ They're not bad guys! They'z our friends! -=goes crazy all over again=- @^#$ YOU, TEAM ROCKET! AH'MO KEW YEW UP GOOD!!!

Misty: -=sighs=- Don't worry about these guys. They're losers...

Roadkill: -_-; Chipu chapichu...

-=Jessie, James, and Meowth whine and flail their arms around=-

Team Rocket: Hey! C'mon! We're bad guys! We're mean! C'mon! Fear us and stuff!!!

Author: Dum-de-dum... Hi-ho, everyone! -=everyone stares blankly again=- I'm back! I got a big glass of Dr. Pepper and now I'm feeling all hyper again, so... HOLY FISH-PASTE!!! What in the name of all seven Chaos Emeralds happened here?

Narrator: -=sounding like a tattletail kid=- Well, well... ASH... He said he was gonna' catch a weedle, but he actually killed it... And he got its bits all over the place... And it was really gross... And Misty threw up on Tracey... (and that part was actually kind of funny)... But it was still really nasty!!!

Author: Ashton Jeremiah Ketchum!!! I leave you alone for a few minutes and THIS is what happens? I'm ashamed in you!

Ash: -=waves his hand at him=- Aaaaahhhh... Yer momma' smokes pretzel sticks!

Author: WELL! I NEVER!

Meowth: Well ya' should! It's fun!

-=Roadkill appears at a drumset and plays a rimshot=-

Author: Ash, I've had enough of this bad attitude of yours! -=the sound of his fingers snapping is heard=- Let this be a lesson to you!

-=An innumerable swarm of giant, man-eating bees instantly appears=-

Author: Attack, my beedrills! ATTAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!!!

-=Everyone watches in shock as the bugs zoom toward Ash. Ash stands there looking very vacant. Suddenly...=-

Ash: Hey, look! -=bends down and the bees go right past him, then pick up Jessie, James, and Meowth and fly off with them=-

Team Rocket: LOOKS LIKE TEAM ROCKET'S BLASTING OFF AGAI... or, well, um... BUZZING OFF... er... YOU GET THE IDEAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaa...

Author: ...whoops...

Ash: -=pops back up, holding a penny=- ^_^ See a penny, pick it up; and all the day you'll have good luck!

Brock: -=blinks=- Wow... Hey what are those beedrill gonna' do anyway?

Narrator: Oh... Probably eat 'em...

Tracey: -=terrified=- WHAT??? YOU MEAN YOU ACTUALLY TURNED A SWARM OF MAN-EATING INSECTS ON US?

Author: Not all of you, but... yeah, pretty much... In retrospect, I guess it WAS kind of childish of me...

Misty: -=enraged that the bugs aren't going to eat Ash now=- ASH, YOU LITTLE MORON!!! WHY DID YOU HAVE TO BEND DOWN JUST THEN???

Ash: -=points to the penny, looking very big-eyed and pathetic, his voice quivers=- Penny...

Author: Hmm... Looks like you guys are gonna' have to go save Team Rocket before they get eaten. Well, it ain't my problem. See ya! -=leaves again=-

Brock: -=folds his arms and sighs, looking rather put off=- Huh... I guess he's right. Gang, we'd better go save Team Rocket...

-=Misty and Roadkill laugh derisively=-

Tracey: They're insidious mobsters, Brock! Why do we wanna' save THEM???

Brock: -=sighs with frustration=- Because it's the right thing to do... Besides, did you see that "Jessie" girl? -=blushes as heart bubbles appear around his head=- Hubba-hubba!

Roadkill: -=rolls his eyes=- [%#$@ off, Squinty...]

Misty: I say we just go on our way. At least they're out of our hair now...

Ash: NO!!! -=shoves Brock out of the way and poses heroically=- We shall go and find Team Rocket!!!

Brock: -=stands up and brushes himself off, smiling=- Wow, Ash! I didn't expect a comment like that from you!

Ash: -=grins=- I wanna' watch 'em get EATEN!!! -=drools and giggles evilly=-

Brock: ... ewghh...

-=Now, for absolutely no reason, we get a commercial break, but not before we get the classic...=-

Voices: WHO'S THAT POKéMON???

-=A silhouette appears on the screen. It finally materializes as some really ugly fat guy smoking a huge cigar=-

Voices: IT'S CREEPY UNCLE RON!!!

Ron: -=belches loudly=- Hey, kid. Pull my finger...

-=Now the commercial. Mr. T is seen driving his 1982 custom GMC van down the road. Along the way, he is running through convenient piles of empty boxes, explosives, and running over pedestrians=-

Mr. T: -=looks at the screen as a particularly ugly old lady goes flying by the window shrieking=- Hey, kids! Do you know me? O' course you do! That's 'cuz Ah'm famous! An' Ah'm drivin' ta' mah youth centa' ta' have the most important meal of da' day!

-=The van crashes into the side of the youth center, maiming several children, and Mr. T walks into the youth center as all the kids cheer=-

Mr. T: HEY, KIDS!!!

Kids: HI, MR. T!!!

Mr. T: Ready for breakfast?

Kids: YEAHHHHHH!!!

-=Boxes of Mr. T cereal apparate at a table and Mr. T grabs a bowl=-

Mr. T: Ah pity da' foo' who don't eat mah cereal! EAT UP, KIDS! OR AH THROW YOU!!!

-=The kids eat huge bowls of Mr. T cereal, then the Popeye music plays as they all get huge muscles like Mr. T, then run around throwing people who don't eat the cereal=-

Little Girl: Ah pity da' foo' who don't eat Mr. T cereal!

Bill Gates: -=flying away=- I regret nothing!!!

Little Boy: Ah pity da' foo' who don't eat Mr. T cereal!

Christina Aguilera: -=flying away=- I'm just a random celebrity!!!

Little Hermaphrodite: Ah pity da' foo' who don't eat Mr. T cereal!

Matt Caracappa: -=flying away=- But I DO eat Mr. T cereal!!!

Mr. T: -=standing with all the beefed-up kids=- Mr. T cereal will make you big and strong like me! So eat it... OR AH THROW YOU!!! -=points at the screen and screams=- DRINK YO' MILK!

Kids: -=all saying random phrases at once=- Eat yo' greens! Brush yo' teeth! Don't do drugs! Respect yo' momma! Get eight hours o' sleep! Stay in school!

-=Now back to the show=-

Narrator: -=screams=- Please stop the insanity! I'm haemorrhaging!!!

-=We see Team Rocket all tied up against a tree and crying with beedrill surrounding them. (For reference, Jessie is on the left, James is in the middle, and Meowth is on the right. Yeah. It's a big tree.) One beedrill in particular is wearing an apron and chef's hat and holding a cook book. A few beedrill walk up to him=-

Bee 1: So, Lance, how we cookin' these ones?

Cook: -=Canadian accent=- Hey, yeah, well, I thought I'd try a nice sautee there, eh...

Bee 2: Sautee? Awww... c'monnn... I want human burgers!

Bee 3: -=very fey-sounding and batting his wrist=- Oh, you alwaysth want burgersth! Can't we ever have sthomething nice? Like maybe a quiche?

Meowth: -=sighs=- Well, kids... I neva' t'ought it would end dis way...

Jessie: -=voice quivering as her eyes water=- I know what you mean... I always kind of hoped we'd all die together from some kind of freak accident with a microwave and non-dairy creamer...

James: -=sobbing hysterically=- I don't wanna' die! I don't wanna' die! I'm only 19 years old! I've never even known the love of a woman!

Jessie: -=sniffle=- James... Th-there's something... I've wanted to tell you for a long time...

James: -=whimper=- Y-yes, Jessie...?

Meowth: -_-; Oh god...

Jessie: Yes, James... You see, I... I l-... I l-lo... -=James' eyes become huge, watery emerald spheres as Jessie bursts into tears=- I LOST YOUR LUCKY PENCIL BACK WHEN WE WERE IN 5TH GRADE!!!

James: ... -=blinks=- Huh?

Jessie: -=stops crying instantly and talks normal=- Y'know... When your pencil was missing and I said that obnoxious Butch kid stole it... Yeah, I lost it. Sorry about that...

James: Oh okay... -=they both start sniffling again=- You know... There's something I need to tell you too... -=takes a deep breath, shivers, and blushes all at once=- I... -=takes another deep breath, closes his eyes tightly and screams=- I LOVE YOU!!!

Meowth: -=his little green eyes bug open wide=- James! I didn't know you cared!

James: I'm talking about Jessie you little fur-ball!

Meowth: Oh...

Jessie: -=turns her head as best she can to look at James, blue eyes reddened, tears running down her cheeks=- James...

James: -=ditto=- Jessie...

Jessie: -=sobbing AGAIN=- I LOVE YOU TOO, JAMES!!!

James: -=cries=- You're everything I live for, Jessica!

Meowth: -=whimpers, then bursts into tears=- AW FOR THE LUVVA' MIKE!!! I LUV YOU KIDS!!! AWWWW, IF ONLY MY ADORABLE LI'L PAWS WERE FREE, I'D GIVE YA' A GREAT BIG HUG! -=mutters=- and den probably toddle off scott-free while you'z gets eaten... BUT, GOSH-DARN IT, YOUZ KIDS IS LIKE MY BRUDDA' AND SISTA' TA' ME!!!

Team Rocket: I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!

Lance the Cook: -=turns around and points a butcher knife at them=- Ah, okay, so uh... Which one o' you guys wants ta'... y'know, like... Get cooked first, eh?

Team Rocket: -=pointing their feet at each other=- They do!

-=Lance advances on the three of them, looking very menacing with his large sharp object... eeeew... I don't like sharp things. They give me the heeby-jeebies!=-

Meowth: -=his eyes are all you can really see as the shadow falls over him=- Is dis da' end o' Team Rocket?

Voice: NOT SO FAST, ADMIRAL PENNYWHISTLE!!! -=a small piece of copper comes flying into the scene and hits Lance the Cook in the eye=-

Lance: AWRRRRRRRGK!!! I, LIKE, CAN'T SEE NO MORE!!! HOW'M I GONNA' WATCH "THE KIDS IN THE HALL" NOW, EH?

Ash: -=bursts into the clearing, right hand outstretched, as his friends also enter and start kicking beedrill butt like it's some kinda' action movie=- WELL DONE, FAITHFUL PENNY! NOW RETURN TO ME!!!

Lance: -=stumbles around, clutching his eyes=- AAAAAAAGH!!! MY EYES! MY OCULAR ORGANS, EH! -=falls over in pain=-

Ash: -=blinks, still holding out his hand=- That's okay, take your time...

Jessie: -=blinks in shock=- What the--!?

Meowth: You guys actually came ta' save us???

James: -=squeals with delight=- My heroes!!!

Brock: -=turns around after punching out a beedrill and smiles handsomely, sparkling a little=- Hey... No one gets eaten by giant, horrific mutant insects while Brock Lee is around!

Jessie: -=gets big, starry eyes=- OoOOooooOOoh!!! -=James snarls just like a dog=-

-=We now see a tall, old-looking bee in a long robe standing beside what looks to be an EXTEREMELY fat bee, but we can't be sure because there's very little of it to be seen. He waves his feelers and claws around at some bees standing in front of him holding spears, bows, etc=-

Geezer Bee: Guards! Quickly! You must destroy the intruders before they can attack the queen!

Moe the Guard: -=salutes and speaks in a nasal voice=- Yeah, sure, no problem, your Royal Advisor-ness!

Larry the Guard: -=salutes and speaks in a slow, stuffy-nose voice=- We'll make mincemeat outta' dose palookas!

Curley the Guard: -=salutes and speaks in a high voice=- Nyeah! Soitanly! Dey won't know what hittem! Nyuk nyuk!

-=Now an innumerable amount of guards comes flying at our heroes. Of course, the good guys all pummel them ala action movie style. Roadkill is zapping them, Brock is laying the karate smack-down on them, and Misty is using a squealing Tracey as a battleclub=-

Misty: Take this! -=Tracey: EEE!!!=- And that! -=Tracey: OOH!!!=- And summa' these!!! -=Tracey: I'm DYYYYYYIN'!!!=-

Brock: -=grabs Curley and flips him over his back (Curley: WOOP-WOO-WOO-WOO-WOOOP!)=- Hey, Roadkill. Think you can hold off these clowns while I save the Rockets?

Roadkill: -=blasting bugs left and right=- [Who yo' daddy? Ah said... WHO yo' daddy? WHO YO' @%#$ING DADDY, #@%$ IT???]

Brock: ... I'll take that as a yes... Okay... -=quickly begins untying TR=-

Meowth: Hey, t'anks dere, kid! Y'know, I hate ta' distract youz while ya' woikin, but...

James and Jessie: LOOK OUT BEHIND YOU!!!

Brock: Wha? -=turns around just in time to see a particularly strong-looking beedrill about to shove a spear through his head... and screams his little squinty head off=- AAAAAAAAAAGH!!! MOMMY! MOMMY!! NO, I DON'T WANNA' DIE, MOMMY!!! -=something large and green crashes into the bug's head and he collapses to the ground. Brock makes a Homer Simpson "huh?" noise=-

Ash: -=smiles, holding Buttercup=- ^_^ Hey, I'm really starting to like this frog turd thing! -=a little crack starts to run along the shell=- HEY! WHAT GIVES??? IT'S BREAKING? WHAT A RIPOFF!!!

Brock: -=smiles as a beautiful royal purple and blue butterfly emerges from the cocoon=- Ash! Your metapod has grown into a butterfree! This is wonderful!

Ash: -=upset=- Big deal...

Brock: YEAH, it's a big deal! Ash, your butterfree may have abilities that could help us win this battle!

Ash: ALRIGHT! ^_^ With Buttercup's help, nothing can stop us now!

-=everything starts spinning around with Roadkill's surly face flying toward us ala the old Batman scene transition bit. Suddenly we see Team Rocket AND our heroes all tied up to the tree=-

Roadkill: -=snarls at Buttercup=- [I hate you, you stupid bug...]

Buttercup: Fweee?

Royal Advisor Bee: -=marches up to the hostages and throws his claws out wide=- Impudent fools! How dare you attempt to thwart the awesome power of the Oogum-Boogum Beedrill Tribe?

Ash: I dare because I care!

Misty: -=snarls=- If only I could hit him right now... -=Jessie kicks Ash=-

Ash: OW!

Misty: Thank you! ^_^

Royal Advisor: Now, victims... You shall be devoured by... THE QUEEN BEE!!!

-=All of the bees start clapping and stomping in a determined rhythm and they begin chanting as the fat bee lurches forward=-

Advisor: ~ya' got mud on yo' face ya' big disgrace... kickin' yo' can all ova' da' place...~

Other Bees: WEEEE WILL... WEEEE WILL... ROCK YOU!!! HUGH! ROCK YOU!!!

-=Then... IT STEPS IN!=-

Queen Bee: -=obviously a bloated MALE bee in drag=- Mmm! Hel-LO, boysth! -=licks his lips=- mmMmMmm! Thesth little treatsth justht look deLISTHusth! -=our heroes scream in fear as the beast leans forward to eat them, but then...=-

Voice: AH DON'T THINK SO, SUCKA'!!!

-=The A-Team theme song now plays as a 1982 custom GMC van drives in and runs over all the bees except the Queen as a thunderous voice echoes forth from within the cavernous confines of the van=-

Voice: MAH VAN IS FAST, FOO'S!!!

-=...and guess who hops out=-

Mr. T: AH PITY DA' POOR CROSS-DRESSIN' FOO' THAT TRIES TA' EAT KIDS WHILE MISTA' T IS AROUN'!!! -=points at the Queen Bee=- BEE! AH'MO THROW YOU!!! SAY HELLO TO CHRISTINA AGUILERA, FOO'!!!

Queen Bee: -=being thrown all the way to Spiceworld=- CURSTHE YOU, MISTER T...!!!

-=The Batman bit happens again only now with a huge gold T. Mr. T is now standing with all of our heroes and grinning=-

EVERYONE!: -=in unison=- Wow, Mr. T! You're helluva tough!

Mr. T: And don't you forget it! As Ah said befo', Ah pity da' foo' what tries eatin' kids on mah watch! -=points to the screen=- Now rememba', kids! Stay in milk! Brush yo' school! Don't do sleep! Drink yo' teeth! Eat yo' momma'! Respect yo' greens! And get eight hours o' drugs!

Narrator: AH PITY DA' FOO' WHAT DON'T WATCH THE NEXT POKéMON ALPHA!

-=fade to black=-

To Be Continued...

Mr. T: END, FOO'!!!

Narrator: "Pokémon Alpha" is brought to you by...

-=shot of a huge box of Mr. T cereal=-

Mr. T's voice: AH MADE IT... YOU EAT IT!!!