*****
Subaru's Apartment, 2:57 the next morning, Subaru's POV
I could have used my powers, jumped, teleported, somehow gotten home faster than I did but I walked. I don't know why, really, I usually don't like walking, especially when I'm in a mood like this. At least it was dark out, so I didn't have to look at myself in the store windows, a twisted shadow of what I choose to show. Appearances are so temporary to me. I can change, alter, absorb, do anything I want to myself that I wish to. I can appear to anyone who I want them to see me as because all people are looking for is a wave of the hand, a half-hearted grin, a simple acknowledgment of their existence to make them think that they matter in this world. People do not see what they do not expect; that is how I live, it is how I stay sane.
I've changed these past two months, but I don't know how. I don't have the answers to any of my questions I'm the Sakurazukamori but I don't know what that means or what that entails or, or
When I unlocked the door to my apartment, I thought someone was watching me, but I didn't care. I walked into the room, took off the jacket, sat on the bed.
And cried. And then slept.
*****
"Ahhh, Subaru-kun, you look so cute when you're upset." I didn't look up, I'd heard the voice a thousand times, the supporting tone sheathing a veiled superiority. "Tell me what's bothering you." His hand touched my face, and I turned away from him, feeling his warm hand torch my cold face. I hadn't even thought about him these past few weeks, so caught up the decay of my own lifestyle, the careful procedure that I follow so I don't drive myself insane.
How can the one who feels nothing be warm and the one who feels everything be cold? "You're dead," I manage to say, still afraid to look him in the face. It still hurt too much, to look in your eyes, afraid of what I might find out.
"Yes, and no. You should know that I'm still bound to the Sakura. Subaru-kun, why do you try so hard?" Heh, the Sakurazukamori is asking me about how I feel.
"Try so hard to do what? I'm the Sakurazukamori now, I don't try." He laughs softly, a knowing laugh, as if he knows me better than I know myself.
"Subaru-kun, why do you try to be me?" The question was serious, spoken out of character. I still don't look up at him thinking about what the question means. He was right, of course, as only a fragment of my own self could be All the changes in the past month were an effort to become what I had killed, as if that's what he wanted me to be.
"I never said anything like that, Subaru-kun." I grab my hair and scream; does he always have to say my name like that?! It makes me It makes me feel like he actually cares for me. And every time I believe that he does, every time that some person reaches out to me to touch that part of my being that needs to be wanted, every time that I look for him to be there, he's turned away from me. Except for one time, when I wasn't even expecting it, when I was determined to move on
Doushite? You never said those words to me, even when I need you to say them most
"Subaru, did it ever occur to you that I might have meant what I said?" I felt your fingers grace my cheek again, so softly I could have cried again. My blind eye betrayed me, and two tears fell. One for me, one for you. It hadn't, of course I wanted to believe but every time I believed in something, it was taken away from me. I thought I had found something in Kamui, in dark Kamui, in being the Sakurazukamori, but all I ever felt was emptiness.
"You never really did understand what it meant to be the Sakurazukamori, Subaru-kun. You never had the lack of heart to be him. Subaru, you need to learn how to live for yourself." My head came up, I looked forward. The spot on my hand where you marked burned suddenly, as if remembering what it was like to live my life as someone else's toy. The gentle touch, the half-smile that tortured me every day, the lifeless phrases you threw at me to make me feel better. I wanted to make you want me, to make you feel anything, anything at all, and when I finally did, you were gone.
"I'm not gone, Subaru-kun. Oh no, not while my toy is still alive." I'm not your damn toy! I slam my hands against my knees, fighting the tears, squeezing my eyes shut in frustration and pain and sorrow and sheer grief.
"Dammit, Seishirou-san!" I look up at him, finally. You were leaning against the Sakura benignly, the ever-present grin lighting your face, but the eyes the eyes. You looked real, for the first time since I've known you. A flash of red catches my eye, and I shudder to think that your hand is covered in someone else's blood, but no The stain starts in the middle of your shirt, and spreads slowly outwards, staining that precious coat of yours. What? I look down, and it's not your hand that is stained, but my own. Shuddering, the tears come again and I weep uncontrollably, without any shred of self-consciousness that restricted me before, turned me into the lifeless shell that Seishirou ignored and Kamui loved, both gone, and I fall off of the bench in my dream
"Subaru-kun" He said my name again, and instead of the light touch I feel his embrace, and I lose control and crumble into his arms "Aisheteru, Subaru-kun."
"Seishirou-san I'm so sorry" And I dissolve into tears for a final time.
*****
Why did I lose control? I don't know he is, after all, dead. But as I stand here now, outside of my apartment, next to the Sakura, I feel that somehow I understand him now. There is no sign that I was crying, only the unfeeling shell that I have put up for myself. I may return to see him, once in awhile, but for now
I
Ore wa
I believe in myself.
*****
Author's Note: Oh no, I just totally ruined Subaru's character, neh? [/sarcasm] It's not OOC if you think about it; this fic is as much about developing established characters beyond their original bounds as it is about limited fanservice. It's been two months since Sei-san died, Subaru has to get over him sometime
*ducks flying objects that obstinate fangirls toss at him*
Hope that I haven't totally ruined your image of Subaru-kun I put a lot of effort into making this a developmental instead of an AU fanfic.
