St. Patrick's Day

Disclaimer: I own nothing! So sue me! Wait… that came out backwards… it's SUPPOSED to be DON'T sue me! I do not own Steve Erkle, I do not own MasterCard, I do not own Abercrombie or Express, or Speedo, I do not own the concept of chocolate sauce, ice cream or radioactive fudge. I do, however, own Madame Frumpbottom's House of Garments. It's so wonderful knowing that I own something after all….

Author's Note: Sorry about the lack of update. I've been working on Forbidden Dreams and Promise Unbroken, another fic I'm writing, like a madwoman, plus, I only just figured out what I was going to do in this one… There are some blatant stereotypes in this, but please, no flames, it's all for the sake of humor.

As a side note, in case you were wondering, Julian never really died. Jenny replaced his runestave with a block of radioactive fudge. Just to let you know. Jenny ended up going out with Julian because Jenny made Julian promise her that he would kick all the older Shadow Men in the pants. Also, he bribed her with a LOT of ice cream. Not to mention himself, of course.

(Everyone is in Jenny's living room, minus Jenny and Julian. A scream of WHAT!? is heard, promptly followed by a loud smacking sound. Jenny, followed by Julian who is nursing a bright red handprint on his left cheek, walk into the living room. Jenny is in a huff, apparently very angry.)

Dee (trying to stifle the laughter threatening to break through on seeing Julian with a huge handprint on his face): What's up, Sunshine?

Jenny (still very angry, but coherent): This moron here (punctuates with a smack on the shoulder) volunteered us to be on the St. Patrick's Day float!

Summer: Well, what's so bad about that?

Jenny: We have to dress up as leprechauns.

(Audrey screams, Tom goes bug-eyed, Michael faints, Dee looks very scared, Zach looks very stunned and disbelieving, while Summer is overjoyed. Julian, smug and proud of himself, drapes an arm around Jenny's shoulders, which is promptly smacked away.)

Summer: I just love leprechauns! What's so bad about that?

Jenny: Julian picked out the costumes. (At this, everyone, save Jenny and Julian, and Michael who is already off frolicking in Unconscious-Land, screams and faints.)

Julian: Well, now that we're alone… (Jenny smacks him and leaves.)

Julian: Hey! What am I supposed to do about these guys?! Jenny? Jenny! JENNY!

(Scene cuts to the day of the parade, right before the unveiling of their float. Jenny, for once, is glad that Julian still had his Shadow-Powers, because it would have taken about two months to finish their float by hand, and even longer to put on their makeup.)

Jenny: NO! NO! I am NOT wearing that!

Julian: Well, unless you want to go naked, you have nothing else to wear. Not that I'd mind if you went naked… (Julian leers; Jenny smacks him. Again. Hard.)

Jenny: Well, you could at least sweeten the deal. It's gunna take a LOT to get me to wear that!

(Julian leans over and whispers in her ear. Jenny's face is split into a smile, and then she shrieks in delight.)

Jenny: You mean the whole thing? (Julian nods.) Whenever I want? (Julian nods again, smiling devilishly.) Wherever I want? (Julian nods yet again.) It's good anywhere? (Julian nods, eyes glinting wickedly.) And it doesn't need batteries? (Julian nods, trying to contain a laugh.)

(Jenny bounces off to go change into her costume, excited and laughing somewhat hysterically. Tom walks on, looking strangely at the hyper Jenny leaving.)

Tom (Thinking the worst.): What… exactly… did you offer her…?

Julian: Chocolate Sauce. Lots and lots of chocolate sauce. And, of course, an unlimited credit card paid for by my pain-in-the-ass elders.

Tom: Do they know that they're paying for it?

Julian: No. It's gunna be fun come the end of the month.

Tom: Well, I hope you know what you just got yourself into. Jenny is a heavy shopper. Now that I'm not going out with her, practically all her clothes come from Express and Abercrombie. When she still belonged to me, all her stuff came from Granny Frumpbottoms House of Garments.

Julian: Shit! Jenny! Come back! (Julian runs off after Jenny.)

Tom: Wait! What about this costume?! I can't wear this in public! I have an image to maintain, you know!

Julian (from over his fast-retreating shoulder.): Put it on or I'm sending you back to the golf course! The parrot'll be so very happy to talk to you again!

(Tom gets the message and runs into a dressing room, eager to not go back to the parrot's bad jokes and horrible puns.)

(Audrey and Michael walk in, both fuming, yelling for Julian, who is currently trying to wrestle away a Platinum MasterCard away from Jenny.)

Audrey: JULIAN! GET YOU SHADOW ASS OUT HERE OR I AM GOING TO MAKE YOU WISH YOU NEVER STEPPED OUT OF THAT CLOSET!

(A shriek is heard from the direction of Jenny's dressing room, followed by a thump and a giggle.)

Michael: What are they doing in there…?

(Julian walks out, hair slightly mussed, a sated smile on his face, and slipping a credit card back into his pocket.)

Michael (low, to Audrey): Talk about a quickie…

(Julian death-glares Michael, obviously having heard his comment. Michael shrinks behind Audrey.)

(Audrey giggles, then sobers up as she shakes a mass of green costume in Julian's face.)

Audrey: I am NOT wearing this!!!

Julian (turning his charm on Audrey): Just remember, once this is over, everyone will know your name. Everyone will be so jealous that Audrey Myers got to be on the best float at the St. Patrick's Day Parade.

(Audrey ponders this, deciding the publicity would probably outweigh the embarrassment. She turns on her heel, dragging Michael along with her. Michael didn't get a chance to complain. Boo-hoo. Julian smirks, and walks back into Jenny's dressing room.)

(Before Julian can actually get IN the room, Zach walks up to him, rage in every line of his face.)

Zach: If you think I am wearing this, you are sadly mistaken!

Julian: Is it the color? 'Cause I can make it darker if you want. Or, if you would prefer, lighter, tighter, and brighter.

(Zach glares, but decides that he won't be able to get anything out of Julian, then stomps off to go change.)

(Julian stands outside waiting, because as soon as he would try to get in, he knew Summer or Dee would come and complain at him. Sure enough, Summer strides over and gives him and huge hug.)

Summer: Julian! It's so cute! But what's that thing for?

Julian: You hold it. And everyone once in a while, you wave it.

Summer: Ooooooh… I get it! I'll go put it on right now!

(Julian gives her a stiff smile, then places his hand on the door, when along comes Dee, furious, fists clenched and steam practically coming out of her ears. Scratch that. Steam actually was coming out of her ears. Oh, never mind, it's just the hot water pipes behind her head.)

Dee: What the HELL are you trying to pull!? I am NOT wearing this! It's degrading!

Julian: Well, if you can't make it into college, you can always go out for acting. If you can pull this off, you can do anything. You don't have to wear it if you're scared to…

(Dee snarled, clearly accepting his obvious challenge, and stalked off to put on her costume.)

(Sighing happily, Julian opens Jenny's door, only to find that she already changed.)

Julian: Dammit! Aww Jenny, you went and ruined my fun… (Julian pouts, putting on a puppy-dog face, lower lip trembling. Jenny bursts out laughing at Julian, who she never thought she would ever see him giving her such a face.)

Jenny: Maybe later Romeo, we have to get going! It's almost time for the parade to start! (Jenny moves toward him though, sliding her hands up and down his thighs. Julian's eyes widen, and Jenny kisses him. Julian suddenly shouts, Jenny backing away in triumph with a Platinum MasterCard held between two fingers.)

Jenny (laughing): Now you need to go change, or else the crowning glory of this whole shebang is going to be going up there in his underwear.

Julian: It's not like you would mind.

Jenny: Touché.

(Scene cuts to the unveiling of the floats)

(Muffled shouting is heard from the giant warehouse where the float is soon to emerge. The yells seem to be coming from the vicinity of the dressing rooms. There's a brief shocked silence, and then riotous laughter. The laughter is reaching hysterical when there is a loud BANG and then immediate silence. A single voice breaks the quiet and then the sound of trudging footsteps on concrete, then the more hollow thump of paces on wood. The warehouse door opens, the float still shrouded in blackness.)

Voice of Dee: I still have NO idea how you managed to talk us into this. I mean, this is just sad. Not just sad, but pathetic. And how come Jenny gets the better costume?

Voice of Jenny: Dee, you don't have to wear it. This is embarrassing. Not to mention drafty, uncomfortable, and too tight.

Voice of Julian: The tighter the better.

Voice of Audrey: And why did you get to pick the costumes?!

Voice of Julian: Because, I can make things appear and disappear at the drop of a hat. Otherwise, all of you guys would've been broke.

(There's discontented murmuring from the rest of them, and then the float breaks into sunlight.)

Julian: Places everyone!

(Everyone plasters a smile on their faces and goes to stand in their respective spots. On the bottom tier of the giant green float is Tom, Audrey, and Zach. Tom is dressed as a nerd, complete with thick glasses, pocket protector, Erkle suspenders and dorky shoes, all in a varying shades of lurid green. His hair is cow-licked in the back, and dyed a non-descript shade of dirty green. Audrey is dressed as an I-am-not-a-morning-person, complete with (green) terrycloth bathrobe, and mug (also green) of coffee. There are bright green hair curlers in her reddish (green) hair. Zach, perhaps, is the most embarrassingly dressed of the three. He is in a tight medium green leotard, with green tutu and a green magic wand with a shamrock at the end of it. His once pale hair is now neon green, crowned with a sparkly green tiara, and he is donned in grass-green tights and green satin toe shoes. His face is painted a very pale green, with very dark green lips, and forest green eye shadow.)

Tom (to Zach): This is so degrading…

Zach (angry, but still smiling out at the crowd): Degrading?! I'M the one in the tutu!

Audrey: Shh! Just smile and wave. This will all be over soon….

(The three grumble and continue waving and smiling out at the roaring (and laughing hysterically) crowd.)

(The next tier has Dee, Michael and Summer waving and "smiling," except Summer, who is ecstatic. Dee had her velvety hair dyed bright green. She was donned in a pale green plaid bikini with frilly little girl lace. If she had been wearing more, she would have looked like a baby. She even had a green rattle and bonnet, plus a (lime green) pacifier. She was looking extremely pissed behind her green blusher and eyeliner. Michael was dressed in a stifling long deep green robe with a giant hood shadowing his face. Yes, you guessed it, he is Grim Reaper Leprechaun! He comes complete with green scythe with child-safe blade, (made out of green plastic, blunted of course, lest he decide he wants to murder Julian with his costume) eerie-voice-machine, and all-concealing green robe! Buy now, while supplies last! (Contains small parts; not recommended for children under three years of age.) Where Michael was shrouded and concealed, Summer was everything but. She was decked out in skin-tight piece of shimmer-y green leather barely big enough to graciously given the name of a top. She had on a veeerrryyy tiny green leather thong. Around her neck was a spiked collar (green, of course) and dog tags; around her waist was a spiked (green) belly chain. She was wearing cleats, except they were high heels. In her hand was a fifteen foot green leather whip. Her thistledown hair was bound up by a studded band on top of her head, after, of course, being dyed bright green. She was Dominatrix Leprechaun. Every three minutes or so, she would crack her whip over the crowd, startling many people into flight from the deranged leprechaun.)

Dee (To Michael): How can she be so happy?

Michael (from the depths of his hood): I have no idea. I'm just glad no one can see my face. Too bad this damn scythe is blunt. I'd hack Julian into little tiny pieces otherwise.

Dee: That might be a bad idea. Jenny'd kick your ass.

Michael: Ahh damn.

Summer (giggling hysterically): Come on guys! This is fun!

(Michael and Dee give her death glares, but she doesn't seem to notice, being too fascinated by a shiny piece of confetti that had landed on her green-tinted nose. Michael and Dee roll their eyes and shake their heads, trying to ignore the fact of the sure social restitution that was sure to come the next day at school.)

(The next tier up housed the crowning glories of the whole float. Jenny and Julian. Jenny, for all her complaints looked marvelous. That is, if looking like a crack-whore who had seen better days could be considered marvelous. She has torn green fishnet stockings, knee high green leather boots with a considerable heel, a torn and dented sinfully short green vinyl miniskirt with slits up both thighs. She had a green belly chain in the considerable distance between low-riding skirt and skimpy sequined tub top, that could only generously be granted more then a scrap of fabric, considering it was at best six inches wide. She held a tattered green feathered boa above her long, slightly dirty pale green gloves that had emerald rings adorning every finger, but some looked like she got them out of grocery store prize dispensers, and the others were bent and needed polishing. She had a thick green velvet choker donned with a green shamrock, with a leaf missing. Her (glittery green) hair was tousled and frizzy, left hanging down her shoulders. She had on thick makeup in shades of green and black. Heavy, dark green, almost black liner brought her eyes into frightening prominence, and her brows were dyed green, to match her hair. She had on large hoop earrings with small shamrocks dangling from the bottoms. She had a small green shamrock stud in her nose, and small silver-green studs lining up the side of her left ear. Julian, for all his elaborateness with the others' costumes, he was surprisingly simple. But simple does not mean modest, especially in Julian's case. He had on a tiny, -very tiny- Speedo. In the shape of a shamrock. The straps on his hips weren't even straps. They were tiny satin cords. And that was it. He had bright green streaks in his frost-white hair. He seemed completely fine with baring his perfect body to the whole population of Vista Grande. Because he knew if he tried messing with someone, Jenny would kick his ass. Or make him sleep on the couch for a week. Both, in Julian's case, were punishments worse then death.)

Julian: Might I add, Jenny, that you look splendid today?

Jenny: Julian, I would ­so ­love to hurt you right now.

Julian: Save it for later. Unless you ­like­ publicity… I know how much you want to get me outa this sorry excuse for a bathing suit…

(Jenny kicks him off the float.)