Title:                 And So It Goes

By:                   Beldaran1

Spoilers:           Post Lies My Parents Told Me, plus minor spoilers for the rest of S7

Summary:         My take on how I would like the rest of S7 to go…and then beyond.

Disclaimer:        The characters of BtVS/AtS are the property of Joss and ME not me…so don't sue! The title to this story is from the song And So It Goes by Billy Joel

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Part 1 – In Every Heart

In every heart there is a room

A sanctuary safe and strong

To heal the wounds from lovers past

Until a new one comes along

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Chapter 2

"What?"

To be honest Buffy couldn't for the life of her recall what Spike had just said, she had seen his lips moving and heard the velvet timbre of his voice, but the actual words held no meaning for her.  She didn't want them to, she wasn't ready to hear him and she was just too afraid of what he might say.  While she had been out looking for him all kinds of possibilities and scenarios had run through her mind, each worse than the one before.  Until by the time she had entered his old cemetery and his presence, somewhere nearby, had set her spidey senses tingling; she had come to the conclusion that he believed her to be treacherous in the plot to kill him.

If he believed…if he believed…oh God…what if he did believe!!!  He would leave her, after all that's what they all did.  They always left her because she wasn't good enough or strong enough or weak enough or just plain not enough, and after all of the horrible things she'd done to him…of course he'd leave.  Just like her dad, and Angel, and Riley; even Giles had left her, not once but twice.  She was cursed, she knew it; doomed to be left behind by the men who mattered most in her life.

"Luv, your hand.  How'd you hurt your hand?"  Spike repeated his question slowly, his voice automatically settling into the soothing calm tone he'd often used on Dru when she'd fallen into one of her spells.  Whatever had happened to her had obviously caused the girl to go daft.  She was looking at him with an empty expression on her face and with eyes that looked to be void of any thought.  She was quite frankly starting to scare the piss outta him.

Buffy could feel her heart start to race at the awful realization that he probably hated her now and the little bit of hope she had been desperately clinging to in her heart slipped away.  She could feel her body going numb and her chest tighten painfully as she struggled to breathe and tried to focus on what he was saying.  What was he saying?  Was this it?  He couldn't…he couldn't…"You can't…you…you…"

"BUFFY!"  Spike yelled as he raced across the crypt, seeing her start to sway as if a stiff breeze would finish her off, he was afraid she would collapse and crack her head open on the stone floor.  If it could his heart would have skipped a beat when he saw her legs give out from under her, and with a final burst of speed he managed to get to her just in time.  "Luv?  Pet, what's wrong?  What's happened?"

"You…you…" Buffy managed to gasp as she felt his strong arms wrap around her and lift her up high against his chest.  She felt so safe in his arms; they were the only place that made her feel safe anymore.   She couldn't lose this haven; everything else was so hard except for him.  With him she could just be, she didn't have to hide or pretend; he knew her, all of her.  "Please," she whispered, trying to impart everything into that one worded plea; imploring him with her eyes to understand and disavow. "Spike…"

Spike stared hard at her for a moment, taking in the ashen appearance of her face, the dark circles under her eyes, and the fear and desperation that was coming off of her in waves.  "Oh luv." he sighed, understanding of exactly what she was trying to say causing his heart to break a little more.  Holding her closer he bent his head and buried his face in her hair and breathed her in, honey and vanilla and that unique scent that was just Buffy. 

How she had come to such a daft conclusion he couldn't comprehend.  Didn't she know by now that there was no place and no where he could possibly go that wouldn't lead him straight back to her?  And here she was putting herself into a tizzy, gasping for breath and barely an inch from full-blown hysteria; when she should know that he could never…would never… "Silly girl, I would never leave you!"

Even though her hair muffled them, Buffy heard him; and the words were balm to her soul.  Closing her eyes, she tightened her arms around his neck as waves of relief overwhelmed her.  He wasn't going to leave; he wouldn't abandon her like the others.  She didn't realize she had started crying until she heard him crooning to her over and over…"shhh luv…everythin's alright…I'm here…not goin anywhere."  Then it was like a dam bursting and the tears gave way to gut wrenching sobs.

At first she didn't know why she was crying so hard, and then it hit her; she hadn't cried, really cried, since her mother died.  Not when Glory took Dawn, not when she'd been ripped from heaven, and not even during the long lonesome months that Spike had been gone when she'd missed him so much it had become a constant piercing ache in her soul.  And now, once again wrapped in the safety of his arms, she felt free enough and safe enough to finally let it all out.  Free to let go of the pain and the sadness and the loneliness and the crushing weight of her duty.  With him she could cry for the Slayer and the Woman.

Carefully cradling Buffy in his arms, Spike walked over to the couch that Clem had added to the crypt, and sat down.  Gently rocking her as he rubbed his hand up and down her back, he didn't try to stop her tears; he knew they were a long time in coming and that she needed to cry it all out.  "That's it pet…let it all out…Big Bad's got ya." He whispered soothingly.  It never failed to break his heart to see her sad or upset or in pain, so it didn't surprise him when he felt his own tears wetting his face as he cried right along with her.

For a long time Spike held her as she finally released the wellspring of tears that had built up over the last few years, until the sobs wracking her body eventually ran its course and she began to calm down.  Buffy sighed in contentment as a warm lethargy settled over her, it felt so good and peaceful here in his arms; like nothing could touch her here or hurt her.  But, even though she now knew he wouldn't leave her, she needed him to know that she hadn't betrayed him; that she would never betray him.  "Spike?"  She whispered softly, "I have to tell you something."

Spike had continued to gently rock Buffy even after the storm of tears had ended and she had settled comfortably in his lap.  It had been a very long time since she had allowed him to hold her in his arms and he was determined to cherish every moment of it.  He tried not to stiffen at her softly whispered words, but old habits had a hard way of dying and he couldn't help that small part of himself that braced itself for acrimony. 

Too many times in the past he had offered and provided comfort and support only to get kicked in the face and a fistful of hateful black words thrown at him.  As much as he loved and admired his Slayer, he couldn't deny that sometimes his Buffy could be a right spiteful bitch.  So it was with no small bit of trepidation squeezing his gut that he spoke, "What is it luv?  You know you can tell me anything pet…anything."

Slowly Buffy pulled away from Spike until she was sitting up in his lap instead of lying against him.  Unable to muster the courage to look in his eyes, she instead found herself focusing on the collar of his duster.  She had felt him start to stiffen and she hated herself for all of the pain and misery she had rained down on him, but she couldn't let herself get lost in self-recrimination no matter how warranted she felt it may be.  Now was not the time for that. 

"I…I," she started and then stopped.  Appalled at finding the words stuck in her throat Buffy looked up into Spike's eyes, and the depthless love she could see shinning back at her eased the tension building up inside her.  Taking a deep breath she released it and the words that had become lodged in her throat, "I didn't betray you Spike!  I didn't know that Giles had set you up; I swear I had nothing to do with it!"

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Rupert Giles slowly swallowed another sip of the scotch of which he was currently partaking.  Sitting in the Summers' dark empty kitchen, he took what small joy there was in the blessed silence that surrounded him.  It was only during the dead of night that the overstuffed house finally quieted down and he could take respite from the noisy goings on of the waking hours.  And tonight of all nights he desperately needed the breather.

Try as he might, he just couldn't pinpoint the moment that he had failed.  When had she stopped listening to him?  When had she stopped looking to him to guide her?  When had she stopped confiding in him?  When had she stopped seeking him out for council?  When had she just plain stopped needing him?  And when for God's sake had she started viewing him as a washed-up old man?!?

For the love of all that's holy, all he wanted to do was help her in the face of this latest battle.  He had a lifetime's wealth of knowledge and experience at his disposal, and yet the stubborn girl refused to take what he was so willing to give.  If she would only heed his warnings and rid herself of what was surely a dangerous threat to not only herself, but to the potential slayers given into her care.

No, instead she chose to protect and harbor a vicious animal, a killer of the worst sort.  Oh the gall of that…that…thing to look upon his slayer with lustful hungry eyes.  He should have killed him years ago when Spike had first made known his sick obsession with Buffy, but no, he'd allowed pity to get in the way of duty.  It was a mistake he was now paying for in spades.

Every time he saw her look at the bleached vampire with longing and love in her eyes it made his stomach twist and roll with nausea.  Again he was forced to watch his slayer fall under the spell of yet another vampire, it was a sick perversion that he mustn't…no wouldn't…allow to continue.  After the debacle with Angel, he had sworn that he would never let Buffy succumb to the depraved advances of other vampires.  He had drilled it into her over and over again that all vampires were evil disgusting things that needed to be killed quickly and efficiently, that they held no redeeming qualities whatsoever.  But he had obviously failed, miserably.

Taking another swallow of his scotch, Giles tried to rein in the rage that seemed to have become his ever-present companion.  He knew he was a walking time bomb, tick tick ticking along, waiting for the fuse to run down and the inevitable explosion to occur.  Everyday the inferno of his rage burned hotter, the control over his temper weakened; and he only hoped that when he did blow, Spike would be standing at ground zero.

Nothing would please him more than for Spike to be destroyed by his hand.  He really should have taken care of the pest himself instead of leaving it in the hands of the Principal.  Only he had thought it would be justice at its ironic best for the annoying vampire to be killed by the son of the slayer that he himself had murdered.  Justice apparently was a bloody bitch and irony a lost cause.

No, this was something he would need to do himself; only now he would have to bide his time and wait for things to cool down.  Tonight's fiasco had been too costly, not only had he lost the trust and confidence of his slayer; but the stupid git was still walking the earth.  He would need to regain Buffy's trust and then he would make her see reason, he would show her that you just couldn't put your faith in a vampire no matter how soulful or remorseful they appeared to be.

Then he would get rid of the vermin and Buffy would thank him for saving her.

Yes, it would all work out in the end, it just had to.

Tbc…

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Thank you all for the wonderful reviews!!!  Yes, I absolutely love the song And So It Goes and thought it was a perfectly Spuffy song!  Also, this is just the beginning of a rather epic journey for B/S so I hope you all stay along for the ride!!

Please continue to leave reviews and let me know what you think…love it…hate it…have a question about something…drop me a line!!

Thanks.