Sonnets of Life Part 9

Disclaimers in Part 1


Sonnet 26

Saturday, 9 November 2002
Bethesda Naval Hospital
Bethesda, MD
2100 ZULU

Mac gritted her teeth, and climbed back into bed. The pain in her shoulder was excruciating, and the muscles in the rest of her body didn't want to coordinate correctly. She took a deep breath, and lay on her back, her head on the pillows.

"Thanks, Bill. I think it went well today."

Lieutenant Commander William Halstead, Mac's physical therapist, replied, "Yes, it did; but you can't overdo it, Mac. I know you're a Marine, and you're trained to deal with physical pain, but if you push yourself too hard, you could suffer a real setback."

Mac huffed. "I know, I just want out of here and back to my life."

"Well, I can understand that, but still...I want you to rest tomorrow. If you need anything, ask for help. Got that?"

"Aye, aye, sir," Mac replied sarcastically.

"I know you want to go home, but you have to be patient. Mac, please..."

"Alright, alright, I'll ask for help if I need it. Now get out, I'm sure you have better work to do than to baby-sit a stubborn Marine," Mac laughed.

"See you Monday, Mac."

Mac sighed and flopped back against the pillows. She was bored out of her mind. Harriet had stopped by every day with little AJ, but they never stayed very long. Webb had been called out of the country; and Sturgis and Bud were in Norfolk. Harm hadn't been by to see her at all; she had a sneaking suspicion that the Admiral had told him to stay away.

She sighed again. AJ...'the Admiral,' she corrected herself silently, 'can't think of him as AJ'...hadn't been by since giving her that book. She smiled, remembering him reading to her. She loved his voice, so confident, so sure. That deep baritone that had kept her from giving up when she was unconscious.

Mac picked up the book that rested on her nightstand. She had read a few of the sonnets for a class in college, but had never really gotten interested. She opened the book to Sonnet 17, and read it for the third time in two days. Each time she read it, she saw AJ reciting it to her, looking directly into her eyes; his voice soft and quiet. Her heart lifted at the memory.

Now, she just flipped through the book, skimming through a few of the poems. She remembered her professor saying that the first...'what was it, 120 or so?'...sonnets were actually written to a young man, and the rest were written to Shakespeare's mistress. Mac snorted. 'That doesn't sound very romantic!' Her eyes rested on the first couplet of one of the poems. She stared at it in shock. 'That sounds exactly like how I feel about...' Her thoughts were interrupted by a knock on the open door. She looked up from the book. Admiral Chegwidden stood in the doorway.

"I see you're enjoying the book, Colonel. May I come in?"

"Oh! Certainly, sir. And, yes, I love it."

"May I ask, what's your favorite one so far?"

"Well, I haven't really read many of them, but so far, I would have to say...number 26?"

AJ smiled. "What, you're not sure?"

"Like I said, I haven't read much yet."

"Hmmm...I don't remember that one very well. Refresh my memory, would you?"

Mac gulped. She wasn't sure if she really should...'Oh, what the hell, Mackenzie. Take a risk, woman!'

"All right, sir." Mac smiled shyly at him. She took a deep breath, and began.

"Lord of my love, to whom in vassalage
Thy merit hath my duty strongly knit,
To thee I send this written embassage,
To witness duty, not to show my wit..."

Mac was nervous. She wondered if AJ would notice exactly what she was trying to convey.

"Duty so great, which wit so poor as mine
May make seem bare, in wanting words to show it,
But that I hope some good conceit of thine
In thy soul's thought, all naked, will bestow it..."

Duty. That one word held so much power over their lives. Duty was what kept them from that 'almost-kiss' in AJ's bedroom years ago. It was what made interaction between them so awkward for months afterward. Duty was what had kept her from going to him for help when her husband had showed up. She hadn't wanted to pull him into her troubled life, and she knew he would've thrown away his career and his duty to help her. 'Duty really is a four-letter word,' Mac thought wryly.

"Till whatsoever star that guides my moving,
Points on me graciously with fair aspect,
And puts apparel on my tattered loving,
To show me worthy of thy sweet respect..."

Mac thought, 'Yeah, right. God, any choices I make totally screw up my life. Whatever "star that guides my moving" doesn't like me too much. Besides, I'm not good enough for AJ. He's a two-star admiral. He has honor, integrity, inner strength. I don't have any of these. He doesn't need an alcoholic Marine with the emotional baggage I have weighing down his life.'

"Then may I dare to boast how I do love thee;
Till then, not show my head where thou mayst prove me."

Mac had kept her eyes on the page the entire time she was reading. Now, she looked up. What she saw on AJ's face made her heart beat faster. 'He knows! Oh, god, he knows what I was trying to say! Is this a good thing or a bad thing, though?'

"Sarah, I.." AJ started. He took Mac's hands in his. Mac's eyes widened. 'Sarah? He called me Sarah!' She thrilled to the thought. 'Oh, his hands feel so good in mine...' She opened her mouth to speak; then, she heard a throat clearing. She looked past AJ, to see Harriet and Bud standing in the doorway. Bud looked totally oblivious to the happenings in the room, while Harriet wore a soft, pleased smile on her face.