"Cecilia? Cecilia? Are you all right?"
That voice was intruding on her blessed darkness. Cecilia decided to ignore it.
"Cecilia? Answer me or I'll call your parents!"
That was a threat that could not be ignored. Cecilia opened her eyes.
"Are you all right?" her voice teacher asked.
"I'll be fine."
"Is there anything I can get you?"
"No, I'm okay."
"Okay people don't just fall down on my rug in the middle of a lesson. I don't believe you. Do you want to sit down?"
"No, let's just finish up the lesson."
Her voice teacher stared at her for a few moments. "I don't think that's a good idea. In fact, if I thought you were okay to drive I'd send you home right now. Why don't you sit down and I'll get you something to drink," the woman stood up and helped Cecilia rise. "Make yourself comfortable. And you know I'm here to talk if you need it."
Cecilia said nothing. In fact, as soon as the woman left the room, she stood up, grabbed her stuff, and left. It didn't matter if she was in a car accident. She doubted anyone would even notice. So why should Cecilia care?
And she didn't. But it didn't matter in the end because she got home and went up to her room and locked the door and knew no more.
Until the harsh buzzing of her alarm clock greeted her morning. She could think of no real reason to go to school, and yet she could think of no reason to stay home. Cecilia had a reason to fear her dreams. So up she got. Dressed she got. She splashed cold water on her face, but woke up no more. She ate nothing, and left the house alone.
She said nothing to anyone at school and, as she suspected, no one noticed. Each instant, each moment only proved what she knew too well-that nothing she did mattered. And so she did nothing. Cecilia was a great believer in self-fulfilling prophecies.
In class she sat still and did nothing. Cecilia couldn't even hear the teacher talk. But it did not matter. As she had failed before she would fail again and it wouldn't matter. No one would notice and no one would even mourn her passing. So she moved from class to class, not in a dream but in a horrible nightmare from which there was no waking. Cecilia knew all that, but it changed nothing. After all, no one would care.
None of her teachers noticed that she did nothing. They had real problems to deal with. Maybe she should become a problem. Then at least she could get something-even Cecilia knew she needed something-even if she had no idea what it was. But if she couldn't eat, didn't that mean there was something? Cecilia was perfect, though, and perfect people didn't have problems, so obviously nothing was wrong. Right? Right?
"Wrong."
Cecilia said nothing. She knew that it was only her voices (the ones she could not, must not listen to) speaking out loud.
"Cecilia, I asked you, 'what's wrong?'"
She turned, looked, saw Simon, and turned away. He didn't matter. He didn't love her, he only pretended to and so what did it matter whether she hurt him or not? She hurt all the time-someone else could hurt for a change, even if it was someone she professed to like. And what was liking anyway? It didn't get Cecilia anything. Liking didn't get her cousin where her cousin was now.
"Cecilia, answer me!"
She did not.
"I'm going to talk to someone about this."
Cecilia didn't care. It meant Simon left her alone, and that was all she wanted now. Peace. If she could have nothing else, at least she couldn't be denied peace. Except if she couldn't get anything else, maybe she wouldn't get this either.
"Mr. Avon, Cecilia's not responding too me."
"Camden? Maybe she's just giving you the silent treatment. You two did have that very public falling out."
"No, I think there's really something wrong."
"Fine, fine," Mr. Avon slowing get up and moved over to Cecilia. "Cecilia?"
She said nothing.
"Cecilia, what's wrong?"
She did not respond. Simon touched her, gently, but she didn't move. There was a time she would have yearned for that touch, but that time was long gone, before perfection and before Cecilia.
"You're right, Camden, this is strange. Call the nurse."
Simon did so, and Cecilia only blinked. Maybe by not moving she had caused a problem after all. Maybe she hoped she did. Cecilia didn't know anything anymore.
The nurse came, and she still didn't move in the slightest. Long ago, she had thought giving up would be hard, and that was the only reason she kept going. Now, she knew it was all too easy, and wished she had done it long, long ago. The nurse put her in a wheel chair, and wheeled her out of the room. Some time later, she realized they were in the principal's office. She would have shrugged, but it took to much effort. After all, nothing mattered anymore.
"Cecilia. What are you doing in my office? You've always been such a good child."
She, as had become her new refrain, said nothing.
"Say something, girl!"
She still said nothing.
"Stand up!"
She stood; ready to do something, but then again, darkness fell.
That voice was intruding on her blessed darkness. Cecilia decided to ignore it.
"Cecilia? Answer me or I'll call your parents!"
That was a threat that could not be ignored. Cecilia opened her eyes.
"Are you all right?" her voice teacher asked.
"I'll be fine."
"Is there anything I can get you?"
"No, I'm okay."
"Okay people don't just fall down on my rug in the middle of a lesson. I don't believe you. Do you want to sit down?"
"No, let's just finish up the lesson."
Her voice teacher stared at her for a few moments. "I don't think that's a good idea. In fact, if I thought you were okay to drive I'd send you home right now. Why don't you sit down and I'll get you something to drink," the woman stood up and helped Cecilia rise. "Make yourself comfortable. And you know I'm here to talk if you need it."
Cecilia said nothing. In fact, as soon as the woman left the room, she stood up, grabbed her stuff, and left. It didn't matter if she was in a car accident. She doubted anyone would even notice. So why should Cecilia care?
And she didn't. But it didn't matter in the end because she got home and went up to her room and locked the door and knew no more.
Until the harsh buzzing of her alarm clock greeted her morning. She could think of no real reason to go to school, and yet she could think of no reason to stay home. Cecilia had a reason to fear her dreams. So up she got. Dressed she got. She splashed cold water on her face, but woke up no more. She ate nothing, and left the house alone.
She said nothing to anyone at school and, as she suspected, no one noticed. Each instant, each moment only proved what she knew too well-that nothing she did mattered. And so she did nothing. Cecilia was a great believer in self-fulfilling prophecies.
In class she sat still and did nothing. Cecilia couldn't even hear the teacher talk. But it did not matter. As she had failed before she would fail again and it wouldn't matter. No one would notice and no one would even mourn her passing. So she moved from class to class, not in a dream but in a horrible nightmare from which there was no waking. Cecilia knew all that, but it changed nothing. After all, no one would care.
None of her teachers noticed that she did nothing. They had real problems to deal with. Maybe she should become a problem. Then at least she could get something-even Cecilia knew she needed something-even if she had no idea what it was. But if she couldn't eat, didn't that mean there was something? Cecilia was perfect, though, and perfect people didn't have problems, so obviously nothing was wrong. Right? Right?
"Wrong."
Cecilia said nothing. She knew that it was only her voices (the ones she could not, must not listen to) speaking out loud.
"Cecilia, I asked you, 'what's wrong?'"
She turned, looked, saw Simon, and turned away. He didn't matter. He didn't love her, he only pretended to and so what did it matter whether she hurt him or not? She hurt all the time-someone else could hurt for a change, even if it was someone she professed to like. And what was liking anyway? It didn't get Cecilia anything. Liking didn't get her cousin where her cousin was now.
"Cecilia, answer me!"
She did not.
"I'm going to talk to someone about this."
Cecilia didn't care. It meant Simon left her alone, and that was all she wanted now. Peace. If she could have nothing else, at least she couldn't be denied peace. Except if she couldn't get anything else, maybe she wouldn't get this either.
"Mr. Avon, Cecilia's not responding too me."
"Camden? Maybe she's just giving you the silent treatment. You two did have that very public falling out."
"No, I think there's really something wrong."
"Fine, fine," Mr. Avon slowing get up and moved over to Cecilia. "Cecilia?"
She said nothing.
"Cecilia, what's wrong?"
She did not respond. Simon touched her, gently, but she didn't move. There was a time she would have yearned for that touch, but that time was long gone, before perfection and before Cecilia.
"You're right, Camden, this is strange. Call the nurse."
Simon did so, and Cecilia only blinked. Maybe by not moving she had caused a problem after all. Maybe she hoped she did. Cecilia didn't know anything anymore.
The nurse came, and she still didn't move in the slightest. Long ago, she had thought giving up would be hard, and that was the only reason she kept going. Now, she knew it was all too easy, and wished she had done it long, long ago. The nurse put her in a wheel chair, and wheeled her out of the room. Some time later, she realized they were in the principal's office. She would have shrugged, but it took to much effort. After all, nothing mattered anymore.
"Cecilia. What are you doing in my office? You've always been such a good child."
She, as had become her new refrain, said nothing.
"Say something, girl!"
She still said nothing.
"Stand up!"
She stood; ready to do something, but then again, darkness fell.
