DISCLAIMER: Anything you recognized belongs to JK (I'll get book five out when I'm good and ready) Rowling. I do own the aged computer this was written on. I would be more than willing to make a trade….
I am giving this fic a rating of R for later chapters. R for restricted, responsible for your actions and read something else if you are not mature enough to handle adult themes. You should know better anyway.
Author's Notes: I dedicate this chapter to TIKAL, my most loyal and enthusiastic reviewer. Cheers.
CHAPTER SIX – Uncorking Trouble: The Return of Drunk!Hermione
Ginny and Hermione were sitting on the swinging bench on the front porch of the cabin, leisurely sipping wine and discussing men.
"Gits the whole lot of them." Hermione was pleased at how that one sentence characterized the male of the species quite well.
"I don't know about that." Ginny countered with a laugh. "Some of them can be quite nice."
"Yeah, right. Like who for example?"
"Oh, I don't know…. Like Colin I guess."
Hermione nearly spit out her wine. "What!?!"
"I know, I know. What the hell am I talking about, right? You have to understand, Hermione we were together for years and there were some really goods times there. He meant a lot to me and he did a lot for me…..He was attentive and caring. He would surprise me with flowers just because they reminded him of me. When I was upset he would sing silly songs to cheer me up. He was supportive and sweet and he truly loved me once." Ginny stopped to run her fingers across the rim of her glass.
Hermione felt her heart breaking for her friend. "What do you think happened?"
"I don't know. I guess it was all too one sided and he finally gave up. He was looking for something from me and I don't think he ever got it. In truth, I don't think I ever really felt it. He was comfortable and safe and what I needed….."
"What you needed but not what you wanted," Hermione finished the thought.
Ginny didn't answer but instead took a long sip from her glass.
"What are you doing to my sister?" His voice boomed from the doorway. "We are supposed to be cheering her up and right now she looks like she is ready to jump off a cliff. Lucky for the both of you I am here to save the day…or night as it were. I come bearing several more bottles of wine and my winning personality (Insert goofy grin here), not to mention a certain animal magnetism, but I need not tell you that, right Hermione." He winked. Ron Weasley's voice cut through the air with a giddiness that was infectious and both girls couldn't help but smile.
Harry was behind him with two chairs which he promptly situated in front of the girls. Within a couple of hours seven bottles of wine lay empty on the floor and four voices could be heard singing an atrocious rendition of The Rolling Stones', "Sympathy For The Devil." (Author contends the Stones must be part of the wizarding community in some respect as Keith Richards couldn't possibly still be alive otherwise.) As the night waned, the words slurred into oblivion, which ironically enough sounded better. Undaunted by the triviality of who actually wanted more wine, Hermione had the presence of mind (and graciousness in her opinion) to refill everyone's glasses. She was thrilled to see Ginny smiling again and at that one moment, found herself about to burst with love for her dearest friends. This spelled trouble as bursting in any capacity was a messy business.
"Now this is what I'm talking about." She declared while still managing to get most of the wine actually in the glasses, which was quite a feat considering the amount of swaying and cursing involved in the process. "Isn't this great Ginny? Is there anywhere else you'd rather be than here with your friends." Red faced and desperately trying to remain coherent, she suddenly barked out a laugh as she remembered something. "Well, there might be a better place, huh, Gin. You did have a thing for Oliver Wood didn't you. I bet you wouldn't mind being with him right now."
Ginny let out a big laugh in response, "Sorry dear, but you were the one who had a thing for Oliver."
Hermione took a moment to look completely befuddled. "Oh yeah…… that's right. He did make a rather fine specimen in those Quidditch robes didn't he. Quite tasty actually."
Ron and Harry looked at each other and smirked. Hermione seemed to be in a spill your guts sort of stupor and what kind of friends would they be if they did not take complete advantage of the situation and extract Hermione's most embarrassing secrets to blackmail her with for the rest of her life. What are friends for after all?
"So……….. you had a thing for Oliver did you?" Ron goaded. "Who else tickled your fancy, Hermione dear?"
"Oh, wouldn't you like to know you evil boy?" She giggled as she drained her glass and then paused to look at Ron. Suddenly she was hit by inspiration. Either that or a rouge bludger. It seems that when one has ingested inordinate amounts of alcohol, they feel pretty much the same. "I'll tell you what, Ronnie dear, I'll talk only if you do." She paused to snort and cackle. "Come on Ron," looking at him through her lashes, "Show me yours and I'll show you mine." She let her tongue ghost over her mouth licking a droplet of wine that spilled on her lip as she spoke. The gesture was not lost on Ron.
He smiled out of the corner of his mouth. "Fine, you go first. Who did you like the look of?"
Hermione shook her head slowly. "Oh no. I already went first. You know all about Oliver. It's your turn."
He shrugged his shoulders. "Fine. Fleur Delacour."
"Not fair, you cheating bastard. We all knew about that. This is a 'never told anyone' sort of game. Play right or don't play at all."
"Oh, all right, fine. Lavender Brown."
"Lavender Brown." Hermione looked as if she just sucked on a lemon. "Lavender Fucking Brown. Lavender, tarot card reading, can't understand a book without pictures, Brown. Merlin Ron, she was a moron."
"She was not."
"Of courses she was. The silly prig almost got herself blown up trying to save a crystal ball during an attack at Hogwarts. So much for being clairvoyant, stupid cow didn't see that coming did she."
"Oh, I suppose you only liked guys for their capacity to memorize Hogwarts: A History."
"Well, I can't help it if I am a little more discriminating than you are." Hermione crossed her arms and raised her nose.
"Oh, of course, Oliver Wood being a troll and all it must have been his mind you where drooling over." Ron crossed his arms and lowered his head.
"He was just one example. There were many that I found attractive."
Here we go. "Like who else for example."
"Like Professor Snape for example."
Now everyone looked like they were sucking on lemons. "What"!?!?!
"Oh come on. Half the girls at school fancied him. He was dark and mysterious. Everyone wondered which side he was really on. He had that wicked sense of humor that was just this side of evil. I used to hear the older girls always talk about wanting to really 'get detention' or be 'properly put in their place.' They all thought he was damn sexy."
"What!?!?!?!"
"Sure it was like Sirius Black. Everyone fancied him because he had that dark side to him that shaded past."
"At least Sirius Black was attractive. Snape was …. was… Snape." Ron shivered the words out.
"So, you thought Sirius was attractive, aye Ron." Hermione gave a wicked grin.
Ron lowered his eyes to half mast. "In a completely heterosexual appreciation of aesthetics, yes, he was attractive."
"Of course. Well, while Ron tries to convince himself of his sexuality Ginny can back me up. You know all about liking bad boys don't you, Gin."
Ginny's blush could be felt be everyone in the room.
"What do you know about liking bad boys?" Ron spoke but it was Harry who was looking at her as if his eyes were about to fly out of his head.
"I don't know what you are talking about Hermione."
"Oh, yes you do. I am not the only one going down tonight. I'm taking you with me."
"Really, this is getting silly. I'm gong to bed…" She attempted to get up.
"Sit down and let's have it." Ron was not about to let this go.
Ginny looked nervously around the room, knowing that she drank too much to successfully lie but wishing she drank more so she wouldn't remember this in the morning. "Oh…. all right. Draco Malfoy. Are you satisfied?"
"Draco Bloody Malfoy." The words escaped Harry's lips before he could pull them back and everyone turned to stare at him with either a look of dazed confusion or bemused delight.
"Yes….well…I couldn't help it, he was attractive and he had a great body." If she was going down she might as well hit rock bottom.
"Ginny." Ron was flabbergasted and Harry was nauseated.
"Look you asked. I was more than willing to let this go." Actually this was sort of fun.
"Draco was so…so…blond." The alcohol was getting to Ron and he was cross with himself for not coming up with anything better. "And anyway we didn't even know what side he was on until the last minute and I still say he switched to save his own hide."
"Whatever. No one asked you. Besides I was not thinking of his political allegiances when he took his shirt off after a Quidditch match. He was sexy and I found him attractive. Anyway have you seen him lately….Dear Merlin, he has the tightest...."
"All right. Enough of that." Ron knew no amount of alcohol would erase those words from his memory. When did he lose control? "As I am trying desperately to hold down the wine I have thus far consumed, I think we need to change the subject. Quickly. Now…onto more important topics. Hermione, who else did you fancy."
"Why are you picking on me again. Isn't it Harry's turn?"
Harry blanched.
Ron just gave her a look. "Harry! Harry never liked anyone. And frankly, I don't really care. It's your turn again."
"I went last with Snape. You go."
"Fine. Susan Bones."
"The Hufflepuff?" Back to lemons.
"What's wrong with her?"
"Well nothing personally, but Hufflepuff? They were so…. dull."
"We can't all go around fighting trolls and evil overlords can we. Besides, she was very pretty. I think her dad was someone. Seems she could get into any class she wanted despite her house."
"What are you going on about?"
"Sorry. Obscure reference to a muggle movie. Back to the important question, who else did you fancy?"
She sighed in resignation. "Let's see. There was Professor Lupin."
Contemplating that answer, Ron acquiesced. "I could see that."
Hermione gave another smirk. "Let me guess. In a completely heterosexual appreciation of aesthetics, yes, he was attractive."
"Oh, come on. Like you never noticed that other girl's were attractive."
Hermione thought for a moment and began to nod her head. "Well, I always thought Parvati Patil was really sexy actually.
Both Ron and Harry were now paying exceedingly close attention.
"She had those smoldering dark eyes and that rich olive skin. You know I don't know what she did to it but it was so soft. I was helping her dress once when my hand just brushed against her bare back and I was really shocked at how supple it was. Like velvet.
Ron and Harry inched closer to her, their mouths agape.
"I remember one time we all got into a pillow fight and…and…" and she abruptly passed out.
Ginny took one look at the boys and burst out laughing. "Serves you right for prying."
"Oh, shut it Ginny." Ron went over to Hermione and picked her up. "I'm taking her to her room."
"I'll go with you." Ginny answered.
"Don't worry I promise not to look at her knickers. I'm just putting her to bed."
Ron carefully carried Hermione to her room, as carefully as one could after consuming vast quantities of wine. Inwardly, he was grateful that he only hit her head against the wall three times, which was quite an accomplishment considering the amount of swaying and cursing involved in the process. He laid her down on her bed and proceeded to take her shoes off. He pulled her bedspread up to her shoulders and gave her a quick kiss on her forehead before bidding her good night.
"noonecomparedtoyouron"
"What Hermione? Did you say something?" But she was sound asleep. He could have sworn she had said something that sounded remarkably like…. But that would be silly wouldn't it. He gave her one last smile before he walked out and closed the door behind him.
In the darkened room a bleary voice muttered, "No one compared to you, Ron." And then the room went silent.
