Jamie had his cameras set up to film the next scene. It had taken quite a bit of work, but he had finally convinced Pietro to star in his movie. Now Pietro sat on the set, an attorney general's office, with his feet propped up on the desk.

"Explain to me again why I have to be the villain?" he asked.

"It's the part you were born to play!" Jamie said. "I guarantee you, pull this off and I see an academy award in your future!"

"You mean it?" Pietro asked hopefully.

"Babe, would I lie to you?" Jamie asked, practicing his Hollywood-speak. "Now get ready, we need to do this scene,"

"Ok, I'm ready for my close-up!" Pietro said, and tossed his silver hair back with a wave of his head.

Jamie took his place behind the cameras and got ready to shoot. "Action!" he called.

X

The camera focused in on the office door. Written on the door in big, gold letters were the words "Pietro Lamarr, Attorney General, Asssistant to Governor, State Procurer,"

Inside the office, Lance explained to Pietro the problems they were having with the railroad. His head was wrapped with bandages to hide the bruises from where Forge had whacked him with the shovel.

"And right here, Mr. Lamar, is where we run into the quicksand," he said, pointing to a map on Pietro's desk.

"Quicksand, quicksand," Pietro said, rubbing his hands together. "Splendid! Wait, hang on a sec!"

"Cut!" Jamie shouted. "What is it?"

"Ok, first of all, the way I'm supposed to say 'quicksand' is totally lame," said Pietro. Second, why would I be EXCITED that a railroad gets slowed down by quicksand?"

"Did you even read the script?" Jamie asked. "It's good for you because you're going to reroute the tracks through Bayville and seize up all the land!"

"Oh," Pietro said. "Well, that's different,"

"Come on, work with me people!" Jamie shouted. "Let's take it again, and action!"

The scene resumed, and Lance pointed out a new route on the map.

"And so, the railroad's got to go through Bayville," he said.

"Bayville, Bayville, splendid!" Pietro said, trying to mask his disgust for the inflections he was supposed to be using.

"Yes sir, Bayville," said Lance. "Bayville!"

"Be still, Taggart, be still!" Pietro said, and began to pace around the desk. "My mind is aglow with whirling, transient nodes of thought, careening through a cosmic vapor of invention!"

"Pietro, you really need to stay off the cocaine," Lance said.

"Stick to the script!" Jamie called out.

"Er, I mean, ditto!" Lance said.

"Ditto?" Pietro asked, annoyed. "Ditto, you provincial putz!"

"Sorry sir," Lance apologized.

"Plan, plan, I need a plan," Pietro massaging his temples. Suddenly, there was a loud crash from outside, and Lance jumped a foot in the air in shock.

"What the hell was that?" he asked.

Pietro opened the window to investigate the source of the commotion. Outside, Boris the hangman was conducting an execution. Nick Fury, who was playing the role, was dressed in medieval garb, complete with his trademark eyepatch. His limbs flailed about madly as he lurched back and forth, preparing for the hanging.

"Boris!" Pietro called down. "We can't here ourselves think up here!"

Beast walked up to Jamie, holding a script. "I must say, I find Mr. Fury's costume highly anachronistic," he said, pointing at Fury's leather armor. "This is supposed to be a WESTERN, isn't it?"

"Hey, it's the best we could do. Besides, he'll be working double shifts between here and Todd Fan's set later on, so it's just easier to dress him up this way so he won't have to keep changing costumes,"

"That does make sense," Beast said, as the scene continued.

Fury shuffled across the platform and looked up at Pietro. "So sorry, your worship!" he called up. "But I've got two men at home, sick with the flu! It's utter chaos down here! But I'll try to keep it as quiet as possible,"

He shuffled over to his next victim, a bald man in a wheelchair. "As you can see," he said, pointing at Xavier. "This one is a doozy!" He leaned close to Xavier and put a noose around his neck.

Xavier whispered to Fury. "Are you sure this rope is set up right?" he asked.

"I checked it myself," Fury whispered back. "And besides, the camera won't even be on us when we open the door,"

Xavier breathed a sigh of relief. He was not in the mood to be hanged today.

"Ah yes, the Dr. Gillespie killings. Well, do your best," Pietro said. "Hey, wait a second. Aren't you supposed to be over at Todd Fan's set shooting that Robin Hood movie?"

"She hasn't written that scene yet!" Jamie shouted at Pietro. "Now can we please stick to THIS parody?"

"Fine, fine," Pietro muttered, and ducked back inside. As he did, he hit his head on the window, and grimaced in pain.

"Now, let's see, where were we?" he asked, shaking off the headache.

"Bayville," Lance said.

"Yes, of course. Bayville," Pietro said evilly. "When the railroad goes through, that land will be worth millions! And I want it!" He walked over to a statue of justice sitting on a table and gripped it tightly.

"I want it so badly, I can taste it!" he whispered, starting to move his hands up and down the statue, fondling and caressing its stone body in eager anticipation.

"There must be a way!" Pietro said, rubbing his fingers over the statue's naked breasts.

Lance was getting grossed out watching Pietro molesting the statue. He started to back away, but accidentally backed into Pietro's desk and tipped a heavy law book over. It hit the floor with a loud thud, jarring Pietro back to reality.

"Clumsy fool!" he snapped. Then he had an idea. "Wait a minute. There might be a legal precedent," he said, picking up the book and thumbing through its pages. "Land snatching!"

He began to scour the pages of the book. "Land, land," he muttered, looking for any cases that might pertain to this situation. "Land. See snatch. Ah! Here we are! Haley vs. United States. Haley 7, United States 0. You see!" he said, turning to Lance. "It can be done," He clenched his fist tightly. "It CAN be done! Unfortunately, there is one thing that stands between me and that property: the rightful owners. There must be a way of driving them out,"

Lance started snapping his fingers and hopping up and down at this. Pietro looked at him.

"Oh, it's down the hall and to the left, but can't you wait until the scene's done?"

"No, I've got a plan, sir!" Lance said.

"You do? What is it?" Pietro asked anxiously.

"I know how we can run everybody out of Bayville! We'll kill the first-born male child in every household!"

Pietro considered this for a second. "No, too Jewish," he said.

"Hey, I heard that!" Kitty shouted from offstage.

"Hey, somebody tell the extras to keep it down on the set!" Jamie shouted.

"Extras?!" Kitty shouted back. "You said I'd have a big role in this picture!"

"Well, there was a change of plans. You don't have the accent I need," he said.

"What is that supposed to mean?" Kitty asked, very offended.

"Quiet on the set!" Jamie shouted, dodging the question.

"Ok, I've got another one! We'll work up a number six on 'em!" Lance said.

"Number six? I'm not familiar with that one," Pietro said.

Lance mimicked like he was riding on a horse. "Well, that's where we go ridin' into town, a-whompin' and a-whoopin' every living thing that moves, within an inch of its life!" Except the women folks, of course," he said.

"You spare the women?" Pietro asked.

"No, we rape the hell out of them later on at the number six dance!" Lance said, personally looking forward to that scene.

"That's brilliant!" Pietro said, and clapped his hands around Lance's head. Lance screamed as Pietro's hands hit the bruises on his cranium.

"Why, Taggart, you've been hurt!" Pietro exclaimed.

"Took you long enough to figure it out!" Lance complained.

"Script, please!" Jamie interjected.

"Oh, that uppity mutie went and hit me in the head with a shovel. I'd sure appreciate it, sir, if you'd hang him up by his neck until he was dead! I've got him locked up downstairs," Lance said, going back to his lines.

"Consider it done!" Pietro said and walked back to the window.

"Boris!" he called down, to where Nick Fury was preparing another hanging. Roberto was sitting on a horse atop the scaffold, and both he and the horse had nooses around their necks. Fury looked up at Pietro.

"I've got a special!" Pietro called. "When can you work him in?"

"I couldn't possibly work him in until Monday, sir! I'm booked solid!" Fury said.

"Monday, splendid!" Pietro said. He leaned back inside and hit his head on the windowsill again.

"Ow! Who keeps lowering that thing?" he griped. Then he turned back to Lance. "Ta da!" he said.

"Oh, thank you sir!" Lance said. "We'll make Bayville think it was a chicken that got caught in a tractor's nuts!" He laughed heartily, but he was cut off by the sound of the trapdoor outside springing open. Lance was so startled that he jumped into Pietro's arms.

Pietro clutched him tightly and patted him on the head. "Ssh, easy, Taggart. It's just a man and a horse being hung out there. Shh,"

"Cut!" screamed Jamie. Lance immediately pushed Pietro away from him. "This is ridiculous!" he said. "If I have to call him 'sir' one more time."

"Oh, get over yourself," Pietro said. "You need the practice for when you join Magneto,"

"Oh, shut up already!" Lance snapped, rubbing his still-aching head.

Pietro ignored Lance and sidled up to Jamie. "So, when do you think I'll get that award you were talking about, hmm?"

"Hello, we haven't even finished shooting yet!" Jamie said. "Try after the film actually premiers!"

"Well let's try and hurry things along, shall we?" Pietro said, looking at his fingernails. "I have a manicure at 3 o'clock today,"

Jamie rolled his eyes, wishing that he had gone with his instincts and had Bobby play the villain instead.

X