Jamie adjusted his coat, getting ready for the next scene. Today they would
be filming a scene in the governor's audience, and he, naturally, was
playing the director. Over in the corner, Kitty sulked as she looked at her
outfit: a very skimpy red two-piece bathing suit and rhinestone necklace.
"Tell me WHY I have to wear this again?" she asked.
"Oh, come on," Pietro said. "I think it makes you look cute!"
"That's SO reassuring," Kitty said, her voice dripping with sarcasm. When she had agreed to be in Jamie's movie, she hadn't planned on dressing like a swimsuit model.
Jamie took his place on the set and turned to one of his clones, who was directing this scene.
"Ok, it's very simple," he told the clone. "You just say 'action!' when it's time to start, and 'cut' at the end. Got it?"
"I think so," said the clone. "What am I supposed to do with this again?" he asked, holding up a megaphone.
Jamie rolled his eyes. Why did his clones all have to be so stupid?, he thought. "Nothing, just leave it alone," he said, and sat down in the governor's chair as the rest of the cast took their places.
The Jamie clone picked up the bullhorn. "And, act!" he said.
Jamie smacked himself in the forehead at his clone's incompetence. "I'm going to send you back to packing my suitcases when we're done! Roll the camera!" he snapped as he lit a cigar, and the scene began.
X
Inside the office of Jamie LePetomaine, Pietro and several men were gathered around the governor's desk having a heated conversation. Jamie was puffing on a cigar chatting with Kitty Stein, his secretary, but his eyes were focused totally on her bra. Kitty resisted the urge to smack him and carried on with the scene. Pietro patted him on the shoulder to get his attention.
"Governor," Pietro said. "May I disturb you for a moment, sir?"
"Yeah, what is it?" Jamie asked.
Pietro waved a bill in Jamie's face and guided him back to his chair. "If you will just sign this, governor," he said, handing Jamie a pen.
"Yes, yes," Jamie said, sitting down in the chair as clouds of smoke wafted up from his cigar. "What the hell is it?"
"Under the provisions of this bill, we would snatch 200,000 acres of Indian territory which we have deemed unsafe for their use at this time," Pietro said. "They're such children,"
"200,000 acres? 200,000 acres?" Jamie asked incredulously. "What'll it cost, man, what'll it cost!"
"Ah," Pietro said, and reached under the desk for something. "A box of these, sir," He produced a box containing several wooden paddles with rubber balls attached to them.
Jamie spit his cigar out in surprise. The cigar flew across the set and landed in Jean's hair. Jean ran screaming as her hair caught on fire. Fortunately, Bobby was close by and managed to extinguish the flames before her hair got too badly singed.
"Somebody get her a wig, quick!" Jamie shouted at one of his clones, who was working as a costume assistant, and jumped back into the scene.
"Are you crazy?" he asked Pietro. "They'll never go for it! Then again," he said, reconsidering. "They just might. Little red devils, they love toys. May I try one?"
"Please do, sir," Pietro said as Jamie picked up one of the paddles and started trying to hit it. He swung for the ball and missed several times before giving up.
"These things are defective," he muttered. Pietro picked one up and began smacking the ball back and forth with ease.
"Right as usual, sir," he said. Jamie got frustrated and swatted the paddle out of his hand.
"Show off," Jamie grumbled. "Upstage me again and you'll be back on the street where I found you!"
"Touchy, aren't we?" Pietro asked. "Now, just sign this right here," he said as Jamie sat down again.
"Ok, give us a hand, give us a hand!" Jamie said and started bouncing up and down in his chair as he started to sign the bill. Pietro grasped his hand and helped him move the pen across the paper.
"Work work work, work work work, work work work," Jamie said as he signed and turned to Kitty and took another look at her breasts. "Hello boys, have a good night's rest? I missed you!"
Kitty repressed the urge to vomit. Why couldn't Rogue have grabbed him harder at that concert, she wondered.
"Just one more bill to sign, governor," Pietro said, producing another piece of paper.
"What the hell is this?" Jamie asked as he stared down at the legalese before him.
"This is the bill that will convert the state hospital for the insane into the Jamie M. Lepetomaine Memorial Gambling Casino for the Insane," Pietro explained.
"Gentlemen!" Jamie shouted, leaping to his feet in an executive fashion. "This bill will be a giant step forward in the treatment for the insane gambler!"
"Bravo sir!" Pietro said, and the men in the room began applauding.
"Yes, yes, thank you," Jamie said humbly. "Thank you, Peter, thank you,"
"It's not Peter, it's Pietro! Pietro Lamarr!" Pietro said angrily.
"Hey, what are you worried about! This is 1874! You'll be able to sue him!" Jamie said, placing a foot on his chair. The camera showed that he wasn't wearing any pants, just a set of boxers with the abbreviation GOV written on them.
The men in the room laughed again, and Pietro joined them a few seconds later after he finally got the joke. The laughter slowly died down.
"Just sign here," Pietro said, helping Jamie again.
"Thank you very much," Jamie said, and tried to replace the pen in its holder. "Help me in with this, help me in with this," he said, missing the holder.
"Here you are, sir," Pietro said, taking Jamie's hand again. "Just think of your secretary,"
Kitty shuddered at the thought of Jamie thinking about her, and hoped the camera didn't pick her reaction up.
Jamie got the pen back in the holder. "Very good suggestion!" he said to Pietro. "Is that it? Anything else?" he asked.
"Just this urgent telegram from Bayville," Kitty said in a very airy voice. "It arrived last Friday,"
"Last Friday?" Jamie asked. "Well read it, read it, you saucy bitch," He leaned back and rested his head on Kitty's chest.
Kitty started to read the telegram. "Sheriff murdered, church meeting bombed. Reign of terror must cease. Send new sheriff immediately," Then she leaned down to Jamie and whispered in his ear, "If you don't take your head off my breasts RIGHT NOW, I will rip your brain out of your puny skull!"
Jamie jumped up, as much in fear of Kitty as in reaction to the telegram. "Holy underwear!" he shouted and tried to recompose himself. "Sheriff murdered! Innocent women and children blown to bits! We've got to protect our phony-baloney jobs, gentlemen! We've got to do something about this immediately! Harrumph, harrumph!"
Pietro and the rest of the men in the room began harrumphing along with Jamie, except for Ray, who had forgotten how important the harrumphing was. Jamie turned to him angrily. "I didn't get a harrumph out of that guy!" he said.
"Give the governor a harrumph!" Pietro ordered.
"Harrumph!" Ray said, startled.
"You watch your ass," Jamie told him.
"Gentlemen, please, rest your sphincters," Pietro said.
"Well put," Jamie said.
"Thank you sir," Pietro replied. "As Attorney General, I can assure you that a suitable sherrif will be found to restore the peace in Bayville," he said, and picked up one of the paddles. "Meeting is adjourned," he said, rapping the paddle on the desk. He quickly realized his gaffe.
"Oh, I am sorry, sir," he said to Jamie. "I didn't mean to overstep my bounds. You say that,"
"What?" Jamie asked.
"Meeting is adjourned,"
"It is?"
"No, you say that, governor!"
"What?"
"Meeting is adjourned!"
"It is?"
Pietro gave up and handed Jamie a paddle. "Here, just play around with this, sir,"
"Oh, thank you, Peter," Jamie said.
"No, it's Pietro!" Pietro said.
"It is?" Jamie asked, then picked up the box of paddles. "Why don't you give these out to some of the boys in lieu of pay? Here you are, Frankie, Johnny, Jelly, my beloved secretary Ms. Stein, here, have fun, boys!"
The actors all took the paddles and began playing with them. Jamie tried to get one going but had no luck with it. "This friggin' thing is warped!" he complained. "Why do I always get a warped one?"
"And cut!" called Jamie's clone.
Jamie dropped the paddle in amazement, surprised that his clone had done something right for a change. "Ok," he said. "That covers us for this scene," Then he began coughing heavily at the cigar fumes still in the air. "Ugh, next time I'm using a prop! Those things are revolting!"
"And speaking of revolting!" Kitty said, and smacked Jamie in the face. "That's for putting me in this ridiculous outfit!" she shouted, and stalked off the set. "I'm calling my agent!" she threatened as she left.
"Wait!" Jamie shouted. "You can't leave now! We need you for the Cherokee Nation scene in a few hours!"
The only response he got was the door of the Danger Room, slamming loudly.
"I swear, you just can't work with some people," Jamie muttered, then turned to one of his clones. "You, get me a double cappuccino, now!" he ordered, hoping the coffee would counteract the effects the cigar smoke was having on him.
"Tell me WHY I have to wear this again?" she asked.
"Oh, come on," Pietro said. "I think it makes you look cute!"
"That's SO reassuring," Kitty said, her voice dripping with sarcasm. When she had agreed to be in Jamie's movie, she hadn't planned on dressing like a swimsuit model.
Jamie took his place on the set and turned to one of his clones, who was directing this scene.
"Ok, it's very simple," he told the clone. "You just say 'action!' when it's time to start, and 'cut' at the end. Got it?"
"I think so," said the clone. "What am I supposed to do with this again?" he asked, holding up a megaphone.
Jamie rolled his eyes. Why did his clones all have to be so stupid?, he thought. "Nothing, just leave it alone," he said, and sat down in the governor's chair as the rest of the cast took their places.
The Jamie clone picked up the bullhorn. "And, act!" he said.
Jamie smacked himself in the forehead at his clone's incompetence. "I'm going to send you back to packing my suitcases when we're done! Roll the camera!" he snapped as he lit a cigar, and the scene began.
X
Inside the office of Jamie LePetomaine, Pietro and several men were gathered around the governor's desk having a heated conversation. Jamie was puffing on a cigar chatting with Kitty Stein, his secretary, but his eyes were focused totally on her bra. Kitty resisted the urge to smack him and carried on with the scene. Pietro patted him on the shoulder to get his attention.
"Governor," Pietro said. "May I disturb you for a moment, sir?"
"Yeah, what is it?" Jamie asked.
Pietro waved a bill in Jamie's face and guided him back to his chair. "If you will just sign this, governor," he said, handing Jamie a pen.
"Yes, yes," Jamie said, sitting down in the chair as clouds of smoke wafted up from his cigar. "What the hell is it?"
"Under the provisions of this bill, we would snatch 200,000 acres of Indian territory which we have deemed unsafe for their use at this time," Pietro said. "They're such children,"
"200,000 acres? 200,000 acres?" Jamie asked incredulously. "What'll it cost, man, what'll it cost!"
"Ah," Pietro said, and reached under the desk for something. "A box of these, sir," He produced a box containing several wooden paddles with rubber balls attached to them.
Jamie spit his cigar out in surprise. The cigar flew across the set and landed in Jean's hair. Jean ran screaming as her hair caught on fire. Fortunately, Bobby was close by and managed to extinguish the flames before her hair got too badly singed.
"Somebody get her a wig, quick!" Jamie shouted at one of his clones, who was working as a costume assistant, and jumped back into the scene.
"Are you crazy?" he asked Pietro. "They'll never go for it! Then again," he said, reconsidering. "They just might. Little red devils, they love toys. May I try one?"
"Please do, sir," Pietro said as Jamie picked up one of the paddles and started trying to hit it. He swung for the ball and missed several times before giving up.
"These things are defective," he muttered. Pietro picked one up and began smacking the ball back and forth with ease.
"Right as usual, sir," he said. Jamie got frustrated and swatted the paddle out of his hand.
"Show off," Jamie grumbled. "Upstage me again and you'll be back on the street where I found you!"
"Touchy, aren't we?" Pietro asked. "Now, just sign this right here," he said as Jamie sat down again.
"Ok, give us a hand, give us a hand!" Jamie said and started bouncing up and down in his chair as he started to sign the bill. Pietro grasped his hand and helped him move the pen across the paper.
"Work work work, work work work, work work work," Jamie said as he signed and turned to Kitty and took another look at her breasts. "Hello boys, have a good night's rest? I missed you!"
Kitty repressed the urge to vomit. Why couldn't Rogue have grabbed him harder at that concert, she wondered.
"Just one more bill to sign, governor," Pietro said, producing another piece of paper.
"What the hell is this?" Jamie asked as he stared down at the legalese before him.
"This is the bill that will convert the state hospital for the insane into the Jamie M. Lepetomaine Memorial Gambling Casino for the Insane," Pietro explained.
"Gentlemen!" Jamie shouted, leaping to his feet in an executive fashion. "This bill will be a giant step forward in the treatment for the insane gambler!"
"Bravo sir!" Pietro said, and the men in the room began applauding.
"Yes, yes, thank you," Jamie said humbly. "Thank you, Peter, thank you,"
"It's not Peter, it's Pietro! Pietro Lamarr!" Pietro said angrily.
"Hey, what are you worried about! This is 1874! You'll be able to sue him!" Jamie said, placing a foot on his chair. The camera showed that he wasn't wearing any pants, just a set of boxers with the abbreviation GOV written on them.
The men in the room laughed again, and Pietro joined them a few seconds later after he finally got the joke. The laughter slowly died down.
"Just sign here," Pietro said, helping Jamie again.
"Thank you very much," Jamie said, and tried to replace the pen in its holder. "Help me in with this, help me in with this," he said, missing the holder.
"Here you are, sir," Pietro said, taking Jamie's hand again. "Just think of your secretary,"
Kitty shuddered at the thought of Jamie thinking about her, and hoped the camera didn't pick her reaction up.
Jamie got the pen back in the holder. "Very good suggestion!" he said to Pietro. "Is that it? Anything else?" he asked.
"Just this urgent telegram from Bayville," Kitty said in a very airy voice. "It arrived last Friday,"
"Last Friday?" Jamie asked. "Well read it, read it, you saucy bitch," He leaned back and rested his head on Kitty's chest.
Kitty started to read the telegram. "Sheriff murdered, church meeting bombed. Reign of terror must cease. Send new sheriff immediately," Then she leaned down to Jamie and whispered in his ear, "If you don't take your head off my breasts RIGHT NOW, I will rip your brain out of your puny skull!"
Jamie jumped up, as much in fear of Kitty as in reaction to the telegram. "Holy underwear!" he shouted and tried to recompose himself. "Sheriff murdered! Innocent women and children blown to bits! We've got to protect our phony-baloney jobs, gentlemen! We've got to do something about this immediately! Harrumph, harrumph!"
Pietro and the rest of the men in the room began harrumphing along with Jamie, except for Ray, who had forgotten how important the harrumphing was. Jamie turned to him angrily. "I didn't get a harrumph out of that guy!" he said.
"Give the governor a harrumph!" Pietro ordered.
"Harrumph!" Ray said, startled.
"You watch your ass," Jamie told him.
"Gentlemen, please, rest your sphincters," Pietro said.
"Well put," Jamie said.
"Thank you sir," Pietro replied. "As Attorney General, I can assure you that a suitable sherrif will be found to restore the peace in Bayville," he said, and picked up one of the paddles. "Meeting is adjourned," he said, rapping the paddle on the desk. He quickly realized his gaffe.
"Oh, I am sorry, sir," he said to Jamie. "I didn't mean to overstep my bounds. You say that,"
"What?" Jamie asked.
"Meeting is adjourned,"
"It is?"
"No, you say that, governor!"
"What?"
"Meeting is adjourned!"
"It is?"
Pietro gave up and handed Jamie a paddle. "Here, just play around with this, sir,"
"Oh, thank you, Peter," Jamie said.
"No, it's Pietro!" Pietro said.
"It is?" Jamie asked, then picked up the box of paddles. "Why don't you give these out to some of the boys in lieu of pay? Here you are, Frankie, Johnny, Jelly, my beloved secretary Ms. Stein, here, have fun, boys!"
The actors all took the paddles and began playing with them. Jamie tried to get one going but had no luck with it. "This friggin' thing is warped!" he complained. "Why do I always get a warped one?"
"And cut!" called Jamie's clone.
Jamie dropped the paddle in amazement, surprised that his clone had done something right for a change. "Ok," he said. "That covers us for this scene," Then he began coughing heavily at the cigar fumes still in the air. "Ugh, next time I'm using a prop! Those things are revolting!"
"And speaking of revolting!" Kitty said, and smacked Jamie in the face. "That's for putting me in this ridiculous outfit!" she shouted, and stalked off the set. "I'm calling my agent!" she threatened as she left.
"Wait!" Jamie shouted. "You can't leave now! We need you for the Cherokee Nation scene in a few hours!"
The only response he got was the door of the Danger Room, slamming loudly.
"I swear, you just can't work with some people," Jamie muttered, then turned to one of his clones. "You, get me a double cappuccino, now!" he ordered, hoping the coffee would counteract the effects the cigar smoke was having on him.
