The Habit
"Here we go Again"
A Parody on Tolkien's World
Prologue
This is a parody on the well-respected world of Tolkien, arguably the best fantasy writer ever. I suggest that you read the book The Hobbit and see the movie or read the book The Fellowship of the Ring.
Chapter One: An Unexpected Contract
Bubble Boogers seemed to live in the hole. He was always in the hole to someone: to his bookie, the liquor shoppe, the grocers, you name it. In fact, he even lived in a hole. You see, once in Bubble's neighborhood it was fashionable to live in decorated caves; but most of the populace of Habiting had moved on to condos, high rises, and indoor plumbing. Not Bubbles. His grandfather, Bungler Boogers, had left him this hole in a trust arrangement that couldn't be altered. So, Bubbles was stuck with it. He had three mortgages on the hole (not that the bankers would lend him much any more) and I.O.U's from anyone stupid enough to lend to him. But, no matter what happened, Bungler had made sure that the hole would stay in the Boogers family.
Now Bubbles was not your average Habit*. In fact, he was less then average. He was the most lazy and forgetful Habit ever known to the Habit Race. He was also very poor, but he would not work, because work was "Just another bother to life", as he would say it. One reason he was poor was because of insurance. His insurance kept soaring because the roof of his cave kept falling, and that cost a fortune to repair. Bubbles was trying to find out how to easily get this money when a motorcycle fell from the sky!
"Egad," said Bubbles, wondering if the motorcycle was real, or if this was just the last vestige of that bottle of "Old Winyards" that Bubbles had polished off last night. Old Winyards was one of those few of Bubbles' family legacies that would never see a pawnshop. Bubbles then noticed that the motorcycle was not alone-there was an old man riding it.
" How did you do that?" asked Bubbles, and he meant it.
"Are you asking how I made the motorcycle fly, how I made my magnificent entrance, or how I got my hair into this cool style?" returned the rider. Sheesh, this guy was annoying.
"I'm not sure, maybe more than one, but definitely not the one about the hair," replied Bubbles.
" I'm afraid the motorcycle trick isn't quite worked out yet," replied the gray-haired stranger. It will only fly for a short time. I'm working on it, though."
"Why would you want to work on it?" asked Bubbles, horrified at that word which had been haunting him lately.
" It's part of my great business idea: delivering babies! No one believes in that stork crap anymore, but if you tell your little darling that a wizard delivered you on a flying motorcycle, they might just buy it."
"Only a lunatic would ever think of a baby riding a flying motorcycle," responded Bubbles. "But wait, what'd you say? A wizard? But you must be Gandork! "
"So, you've heard of me?" said the old wizard with a smile.
"Oh, yes! You're the one who talked two dozen elves into spending their life savings on some crazy business venture and lived like a king as the CEO for two years before they found out! And you're the wizard who threw three-day parties! And you're the one who won the Bile-Water* all-city pub drinking contest-hands down!" Bubbles stared at the wizard in wonder and amazement. It was like the guy was coated in Teflon-nothing stuck to him!
"Yeah, that's me, Gandork the Grey. Say, do you think you could do some work for me? You will get some good money." Of course, the word "money" should have gotten Bubble's attention. Unfortunately, once Gandork had said the "W" word, Bubbles couldn't hear anything else.
"Sorry, I don't want to do work, thank you! But please come and have a drink! How about tomorrow at 3:00? Goodbye!" said Bubbles.
"Why did I ask him to come over?" Bubbles said to himself as he ran into his cave.
By the next day, Bubbles had totally forgotten about Gandork. You see, Bubbles has a very bad memory, and he was too lazy to write things down, so he never expected the sound of a huge knock outside his cave. Then he remembered! He ran to the front of the of his hole and said "Sorry to keep you waiting!" But it was not Gandork at all! It was a short, bearded something.
"Drawling at your service" said the thing. Bubbles meant to say "Good Morning," but all he could say is "What are you?"
"I am a Dworc. Half Dwarf, half orc." Drawling replied, as he walked inside and sat down on one of Bubbles best chairs.
"Could you please get me a cup of beer?" asked the Dworc. "And some food!" Bubbles may be lazy, but he new it was his painful duty to help visitors. He was running around, try to make the Dworc happy, when there was another knock the entrance of his cave. Bubbles ran to answer it.
"Bawling at your service! I see the have started coming." Then Bawling, like Drawling, sat himself down. Pretty soon, poor Bubbles heard another knock.
"I'm coming!" Bubbles said, as he ran to the door.
"Filler and Killer at your service." Said the two young Dworcs, whose beards were still goatees. They sat down next to Bawling and Drawling. There was another knock, but Bubbles as almost expecting it.
"Someone at the door," said Bubbles
"Sounds more like somefour!" said Killer, as Bubbles ran to the door. As Bubbles opened the door, he found out it was not somefour, it was someseven!
"Dorky, Norky, Orcy, Oink, Gloink, Beefy, and Buffy at your service." They all replied. Bubbles just stared. Just when Bubbles had sat down from serving all the Dworcs, he heard another knock! He ran to the door as fast as he can.
"Blubber at your service!" but he was too fat to do anything of service. It took Bubbles longer to satisfy him than any two of the other ones. Just when Bubbles thought he was done, he heard another knock.
"Thorninyuras at your service." said the Dworc in a business sort of manner. Bubbles was too tired to answer, and was also too tired to see Gandork standing behind Thorninyuras.
"It is quite a nice day for a party!" said Gandork, laughing. "And I see they are all here. Let us begin!"
"Let us begin what?" said Bubbles, knowing he was nearly out of food, and he didn't want to make anything.
"The party, of course!" Gandork said, and Bubbles drooped.
"Don't worry Bubbles, I can make the food!" said Gandork, and Bubbles cheered up a little. Bubbles sat down for a while, looking at the huge group of Dworcs.
"How did this happen?" said poor Bubbles to himself, as Thorninyuras stood up to say something.
"Hello, all my fellow Dworcs! We have all come here because of me, your one and only Thorninyuras!" No one said anything, but Bubbles saw Gandork smiling with his staff pointing up.
"As you all know, long ago my stupid GreatGreatGreatGrandfather lost all of our family treasures to the idiotic dragon, Claug, who lives in the Single Mountain. We have all gathered here to find one more person to help us get it back, and the only reason we need him is because we have thirteen people, and everyone know that is an unlucky number. So basically, the fourteenth person is just going to be a good luck charm." Bubbles then heard a noise, and a noise he knew he had heard before.
"Get out!" he yelled, as he ran to the door, for of course it was the cave's roof falling. All of the Dworcs and Gandork ran out behind him.
"Oh no, now I need to fix it again," said Bubbles, painfully. Thorninyuras didn't seem to care about the crash, so he stood up and continued on with his speech.
"As I said before, we are in great need of a good luck charm, as good luck always goes the opposite way as us."
"Then why don't you go another way?" said Bubbles reasonably.
"Because there is only one way to the place we are going," Thorninyuras said even more reasonably. "Anyway, everyone in the group will get one fourteenth of the treasure."
"So all I need to do is be a good luck charm, and I will get enough money to last me a lifetime? I'm in!"
"Well then let us be off, and hope we don't see any Mada*!" All the Dworcs (most of them drunks) formed a line and they started marching northwest, toward the Single Mountain. They passed by a stable and took out fourteen ponies and a horse for Gandork. Then they all started to go to the nearby town, Bile-water. On the way, they sang a few songs, but I will only make you read one.
Far over the itchy mountains high,
Where gnats leap and mosquitoes fly,
We gotta get away from this place!
And we are dearly in need of haste!
A treasure of gold we seek with care,
So the other Dworcs.... (And Habits) can only stare,
While we walk in our halls of glory and fame
And escape our life, which is now so lame
We shall prevail against the dragon, yes we shall
We will not let ourselves come to fail
Let us go through rain and hail
We'll protect ourselves with golden chainmail
"Did you write that?" asked Bubbles.
"No, a friend of the authors did." replied Gandork.
"Good, 'cause it sucks." When they finally got to Bile-Water, they found an inn, called the Green Flagon, where they spent the night.
* The type of creature Bubbles was. *The town next to Habiting Mada are like Giants, but they have red hair And are more annoying. Their proper name is Eseig Mada, but being lazy they shortened it to Just Mada
"Here we go Again"
A Parody on Tolkien's World
Prologue
This is a parody on the well-respected world of Tolkien, arguably the best fantasy writer ever. I suggest that you read the book The Hobbit and see the movie or read the book The Fellowship of the Ring.
Chapter One: An Unexpected Contract
Bubble Boogers seemed to live in the hole. He was always in the hole to someone: to his bookie, the liquor shoppe, the grocers, you name it. In fact, he even lived in a hole. You see, once in Bubble's neighborhood it was fashionable to live in decorated caves; but most of the populace of Habiting had moved on to condos, high rises, and indoor plumbing. Not Bubbles. His grandfather, Bungler Boogers, had left him this hole in a trust arrangement that couldn't be altered. So, Bubbles was stuck with it. He had three mortgages on the hole (not that the bankers would lend him much any more) and I.O.U's from anyone stupid enough to lend to him. But, no matter what happened, Bungler had made sure that the hole would stay in the Boogers family.
Now Bubbles was not your average Habit*. In fact, he was less then average. He was the most lazy and forgetful Habit ever known to the Habit Race. He was also very poor, but he would not work, because work was "Just another bother to life", as he would say it. One reason he was poor was because of insurance. His insurance kept soaring because the roof of his cave kept falling, and that cost a fortune to repair. Bubbles was trying to find out how to easily get this money when a motorcycle fell from the sky!
"Egad," said Bubbles, wondering if the motorcycle was real, or if this was just the last vestige of that bottle of "Old Winyards" that Bubbles had polished off last night. Old Winyards was one of those few of Bubbles' family legacies that would never see a pawnshop. Bubbles then noticed that the motorcycle was not alone-there was an old man riding it.
" How did you do that?" asked Bubbles, and he meant it.
"Are you asking how I made the motorcycle fly, how I made my magnificent entrance, or how I got my hair into this cool style?" returned the rider. Sheesh, this guy was annoying.
"I'm not sure, maybe more than one, but definitely not the one about the hair," replied Bubbles.
" I'm afraid the motorcycle trick isn't quite worked out yet," replied the gray-haired stranger. It will only fly for a short time. I'm working on it, though."
"Why would you want to work on it?" asked Bubbles, horrified at that word which had been haunting him lately.
" It's part of my great business idea: delivering babies! No one believes in that stork crap anymore, but if you tell your little darling that a wizard delivered you on a flying motorcycle, they might just buy it."
"Only a lunatic would ever think of a baby riding a flying motorcycle," responded Bubbles. "But wait, what'd you say? A wizard? But you must be Gandork! "
"So, you've heard of me?" said the old wizard with a smile.
"Oh, yes! You're the one who talked two dozen elves into spending their life savings on some crazy business venture and lived like a king as the CEO for two years before they found out! And you're the wizard who threw three-day parties! And you're the one who won the Bile-Water* all-city pub drinking contest-hands down!" Bubbles stared at the wizard in wonder and amazement. It was like the guy was coated in Teflon-nothing stuck to him!
"Yeah, that's me, Gandork the Grey. Say, do you think you could do some work for me? You will get some good money." Of course, the word "money" should have gotten Bubble's attention. Unfortunately, once Gandork had said the "W" word, Bubbles couldn't hear anything else.
"Sorry, I don't want to do work, thank you! But please come and have a drink! How about tomorrow at 3:00? Goodbye!" said Bubbles.
"Why did I ask him to come over?" Bubbles said to himself as he ran into his cave.
By the next day, Bubbles had totally forgotten about Gandork. You see, Bubbles has a very bad memory, and he was too lazy to write things down, so he never expected the sound of a huge knock outside his cave. Then he remembered! He ran to the front of the of his hole and said "Sorry to keep you waiting!" But it was not Gandork at all! It was a short, bearded something.
"Drawling at your service" said the thing. Bubbles meant to say "Good Morning," but all he could say is "What are you?"
"I am a Dworc. Half Dwarf, half orc." Drawling replied, as he walked inside and sat down on one of Bubbles best chairs.
"Could you please get me a cup of beer?" asked the Dworc. "And some food!" Bubbles may be lazy, but he new it was his painful duty to help visitors. He was running around, try to make the Dworc happy, when there was another knock the entrance of his cave. Bubbles ran to answer it.
"Bawling at your service! I see the have started coming." Then Bawling, like Drawling, sat himself down. Pretty soon, poor Bubbles heard another knock.
"I'm coming!" Bubbles said, as he ran to the door.
"Filler and Killer at your service." Said the two young Dworcs, whose beards were still goatees. They sat down next to Bawling and Drawling. There was another knock, but Bubbles as almost expecting it.
"Someone at the door," said Bubbles
"Sounds more like somefour!" said Killer, as Bubbles ran to the door. As Bubbles opened the door, he found out it was not somefour, it was someseven!
"Dorky, Norky, Orcy, Oink, Gloink, Beefy, and Buffy at your service." They all replied. Bubbles just stared. Just when Bubbles had sat down from serving all the Dworcs, he heard another knock! He ran to the door as fast as he can.
"Blubber at your service!" but he was too fat to do anything of service. It took Bubbles longer to satisfy him than any two of the other ones. Just when Bubbles thought he was done, he heard another knock.
"Thorninyuras at your service." said the Dworc in a business sort of manner. Bubbles was too tired to answer, and was also too tired to see Gandork standing behind Thorninyuras.
"It is quite a nice day for a party!" said Gandork, laughing. "And I see they are all here. Let us begin!"
"Let us begin what?" said Bubbles, knowing he was nearly out of food, and he didn't want to make anything.
"The party, of course!" Gandork said, and Bubbles drooped.
"Don't worry Bubbles, I can make the food!" said Gandork, and Bubbles cheered up a little. Bubbles sat down for a while, looking at the huge group of Dworcs.
"How did this happen?" said poor Bubbles to himself, as Thorninyuras stood up to say something.
"Hello, all my fellow Dworcs! We have all come here because of me, your one and only Thorninyuras!" No one said anything, but Bubbles saw Gandork smiling with his staff pointing up.
"As you all know, long ago my stupid GreatGreatGreatGrandfather lost all of our family treasures to the idiotic dragon, Claug, who lives in the Single Mountain. We have all gathered here to find one more person to help us get it back, and the only reason we need him is because we have thirteen people, and everyone know that is an unlucky number. So basically, the fourteenth person is just going to be a good luck charm." Bubbles then heard a noise, and a noise he knew he had heard before.
"Get out!" he yelled, as he ran to the door, for of course it was the cave's roof falling. All of the Dworcs and Gandork ran out behind him.
"Oh no, now I need to fix it again," said Bubbles, painfully. Thorninyuras didn't seem to care about the crash, so he stood up and continued on with his speech.
"As I said before, we are in great need of a good luck charm, as good luck always goes the opposite way as us."
"Then why don't you go another way?" said Bubbles reasonably.
"Because there is only one way to the place we are going," Thorninyuras said even more reasonably. "Anyway, everyone in the group will get one fourteenth of the treasure."
"So all I need to do is be a good luck charm, and I will get enough money to last me a lifetime? I'm in!"
"Well then let us be off, and hope we don't see any Mada*!" All the Dworcs (most of them drunks) formed a line and they started marching northwest, toward the Single Mountain. They passed by a stable and took out fourteen ponies and a horse for Gandork. Then they all started to go to the nearby town, Bile-water. On the way, they sang a few songs, but I will only make you read one.
Far over the itchy mountains high,
Where gnats leap and mosquitoes fly,
We gotta get away from this place!
And we are dearly in need of haste!
A treasure of gold we seek with care,
So the other Dworcs.... (And Habits) can only stare,
While we walk in our halls of glory and fame
And escape our life, which is now so lame
We shall prevail against the dragon, yes we shall
We will not let ourselves come to fail
Let us go through rain and hail
We'll protect ourselves with golden chainmail
"Did you write that?" asked Bubbles.
"No, a friend of the authors did." replied Gandork.
"Good, 'cause it sucks." When they finally got to Bile-Water, they found an inn, called the Green Flagon, where they spent the night.
* The type of creature Bubbles was. *The town next to Habiting Mada are like Giants, but they have red hair And are more annoying. Their proper name is Eseig Mada, but being lazy they shortened it to Just Mada
