Chapter Nine: Into the Hollin Tunnels
"Well, it is time that we were off." Gandork said, and the Dworcs got up tiredly. Bubbles would not have gotten up at all if Gandork didn't threaten to turn him into a double-headed frog. It didn't help that Gandork had, last night after dinner, warned the group of a new and greater danger that they faced on this next stage: a long dark path on the way to Hollin. Hollin was an ancient land of Elves that had long been deserted and re-inhabited by shiftless creatures.
"What is this dark way?" Bubbles had asked skeptically. Even a huge vegetarian meal, offered by Bearsteak, had not dulled his wits enough to accept without question anything Gandork might think up.
"Of old it was called the Hollin Tunnel," Gandork replied. "Then, it was a place of beautiful shiny tiles and fluorescent lights that held back the night, and of old it was filled with the aroma of diesel. Ahh. those were the days," he said in a happy dream. "But now it is abandoned by travelers, and a place of darkness it has become, and it has a darker name: More-Mada"
"Ai!! No!" Wailed the hapless Dworcs, "Not More-Mada! No one that goes in there ever comes out alive!"
"Do I look frightened?" Gandork snapped, and his eyebrows bristled imperiously.
"Why should you?" replied Bubbles, now quite annoyed. "Oh-you- that-has-more-lives-than-a-cat, may your beard grow ever longer! But some of us, less well endowed with reincarnational ability, might have some reservations about a long trip in the dark without even a flashlight!"
"What's a flashlight?" Asked Thorninyuras
"Oh, yeah, this is a British story," Bubbles answered. "A torch."
"But I can make a light!" said Gandork. "Besides, this is the shortest way, danger or no. There are dangers every way, and to walk the long way around would be a lot more WORK."
"Urf," said Bubbles, suddenly seeing the point. "I guess I'll go with you." That's how last evening ended. By the morning, Bubbles was feeling fresh reservations and Gandork's threats barely sufficed; but they did the trick in the end. So, with much grumbling, they started their way to More-Mada, or the Hollin Tunnel or whatever it was called. They did not have too much trouble on their way, and every night they found a nice shady spot of trees to rest. One day, however, they came across a huge, stone wall.
"Ahh! The walls of More-Mada!" said Gandork. Gandork led them to a spot somewhat in the middle of the wall.
"I don't see any door," said Bawling, looking around nervously. The sun was falling, and this place was beginning to look a little creepy. A stinking pool lay nearby filled with greasy looking water.
"Of course not," Gandork replied, "for the ancient elves knew how to make writing that was only visible in moonlight and starlight. They made it out of."
"Dirt!" squeaked Bubbles suddenly. "This whole wall is covered with dirt! Look! I can scrape some of it off with this old branch." Sure enough, as the others watched, Bubbles scratched at the wall, and some dirt fell away. Soon, a smooth face of rock appeared, and right over Bubble's head was, very distinctly, a circle.
"Why, it's an Ooo-la-la rune," exclaimed Gandork. "You really can be a most useful Habit! Here everyone, let's clean off this dirt and uncover the rest of the runes. Then I will show you my mastery of the ancient elvish languages." The Dworcs went to work as only Dworcs can (that is, with a lot of noise and not much progress). Soon, after much effort, jumbling, and cursing, a good portion of the wall had been wiped clean. Actually, most of the dirt now looked as though it had clung to the travelers. They all stopped, exhausted, and looked up at the wall. Plenty of dirt remained, but it said clearly:
HOLLIN TUNNEL
ACT CHANGEO
"Well, well, what an indecipherable pile of elf runes this is," remarked Bubbles sarcastically. "Only a real genius can read that!"
"But what does it mean," asked Killer, who was spitting dirt out of his mouth and threatening Drawling with his stick.
"It obviously is some sort of action we must take to open this magical door," said Gandork. Perhaps if I changed you into a double-headed frog- "
"No! Wait! Let's try something else first," said Bubbles, not at all sure that Gandork would remember the appropriate counter spell. "Maybe we need to all act as though we were changed."
"Changed? How? And how do you expect me to change?" Asked Thorninyuras importantly.
"You don't really have to change, Dworc-head," said Bubbles. "Just act changed. That's what the sign says. So, maybe each of us needs to act as differently from himself as he could be. Gandork, you act dignified ("harrumph," said the wizard), Thorny, you act polite ("ahem!" said the Dworc-lord), Bawling, you act brave ("excuse me!" Said the old coward)." you can see, as Bubbles began to tell each of the Dworcs how they could act in a changed way, how much Bubbles had changed since the beginning of his adventures. Not that he could be critical of others (certainly a natural born talent), or that he liked bossing people around (a Bugger trait), but because he didn't just sit down and pout. He was actually working, if he knew it. Fortunately, he didn't quite understand this, or else he certainly would have stopped immediately, just out of annoyance. In any event, soon the place was full of Dworcs running around looking as uncharacteristic as possible and Gandork watching sullenly. This was as close to dignity as the old wizard could manage. For a long time, they pranced and harrumphed and stood around, but no change came over the stone door.
"It doesn't seem to be working," said Bubbles.
"Maybe you need to act changed, too!" said a few of the Dworcs, pointing out Bubbles' obvious oversight. Everyone stopped, and an argument broke out over the best way for Bubbles to act changed, until Gandork suggested the obvious: that he pretends to be hard at work. So they all went back to it harder than ever, and Bubbles decided to clean up the wall a little more, just to look industrious. What he didn't count on, though, was that more of the sign was still under dirt (Dworcish efficiency again!) He suddenly cried out as he saw the completed sign:
HOLLIN TUNNEL
EXACT CHANGE ONLY
Elves: 4 gold pieces
Dwarfs: 8 gold pieces
Orcs: 20 gold pieces
Everyone else: 10 gold pieces
It took some time before Filler and Killer, who were trying to act polite, would stop bowing to each other and saying, "no, after you!" Finally Blubber stepped on Killer's foot, a sure attention getter, and the ornery Dworc pulled out his knife and threatened to stick it so far inside that it would never be found again. Thus ended the only polite words that the pair would ever use in their lives.
"All right lads, cough it up," said Gandork, who had calculated the price. This was harder than 'acting changeo' for the tight- fisted Dworcs, and they were put into an even worse mood when Bubbles informed them that he had no money. At last there was nothing for it but to pitch in for him, too.
"Where do we put the gold?" several of them asked. They scratched and scratched at the wall, but they could find no opening where the money would fit.
"It was the ancient elvish practice to have a basket for collecting money at tolls," said Gandork, "but where that basket would be is now a mystery. Until we find the opening that the basket would go into, we will not open this door." The whole party searched and searched, and meanwhile the sun went down behind the mountains in front of them and it grew darker and spookier than ever. Finally, Bubbles, who was not too good at nosing around, began to look at the scene from a distance. He wanted to laugh at the Dworcs, who looked as silly as they ever had, but suddenly he realized something.
"Say, do you think the hole might be in that pool of water?" He asked suddenly.
"Now that you mention it, such an arrangement makes sense," said Thorninyuras, looking at the placement of the pool and the door. It did look as though the pool sat at the perfect spot for a toll basket. The problem was, now that it came to it, no one wanted to throw a pile of gold pieces into that smelly water. For one thing, there was no guarantee that it would work.
"Then who would get the money out?" asked Bawling. Everyone looked at Bubbles.
"Oh, no you don't!" said Bubbles. No one else felt like fishing in the smelly water, either. They all stood around dejectedly for awhile, when suddenly Buffy spoke up.
"What if we tied a string to the money?" Everyone brightened at once. It was still a long and difficult business, but after some fiddling they had fashioned a little net bag out of a flap from Blubber's underwear, with spare shoestrings of about four or five of the other Dworcs, and had the money securely inside. Even so, it took Thorninyuras some time, and a lot of testing of the bag, before he was ready to lower his precious gold into the greasy water.
"Here goes!" said Gandork, as he carefully lowered the shoelaces forward. "Oops!" he cried, letting go of the string. The Dworcs all cried out in alarm, and Beefy jumped toward the water without thinking. He landed in face first and immediately screamed out in annoyance at the foul smell in his nose. "Just kidding!" laughed Gandork, who had the shoelaces tied to his pinky the whole time. There was some worry as the shoelaces were almost used up, when suddenly, with a grinding noise, the stone under the sign for the Hollin Tunnel pulled back and lifted up. From behind it was near total blackness. The walls of the tunnel were pockmarked and scratched, and pieces of white porcelain littered the floor. Graffiti was scrawled on the walls, too, mostly in the sloppy handwriting of the Mada, with things like "WIZZERDS BITE" and "NUTHIN WURS THAN A BAD HABIT." The graffiti, like the tunnel itself, wound downward and backward into the mountain into an endless distance. Fear poured out of the dark opening like a vapor.
"Now that it comes to it, I don't like this path at all," said Killer, hardly someone to object to the prospect of anything like a fair fight. The others agreed. Even Gandork seemed hesitant, but he fiddled with his staff and knocked it a few times, and with some jiggling and muttering a faint light came from the end. Bubbles would swear that he saw a pink bunny playing a base drum in some nearby bushes. Gandork moved uncertainly toward the yawning door.
"There's no way I'm going in there! Forget it!" Beefy, still full of stinky muck, was shaking his head. "I'm getting our money back!" With that he took the shoelace ends and pulled on them to get back the gold. It appeared to be stuck. He pulled harder and harder, and suddenly, the water began to churn and bubble. Something that looked like two gigantic mounds of flesh appeared in the water, two disgusting, pimply hills of rump. Bubbles had a sinking feeling in his stomach when he heard a flatulent sound coming from between them. The Dworcs nearest the water whipped their hands to their noses and screamed out in disgust and terror. The noise went on and on, as though some giant had eaten two tons of day-old refried beans. Soon the whole company was coughing and gagging, and almost without knowing it, ran down the tunnel to escape. The door closed with a grinding noise behind them.
"We now have but one choice," said Gandork grimly. "We must face the long dark of More-Mada. Be on your guard! There are much older and fouler things than Orcs, in the deep places of the world." Bubbles, more scared than he had ever been, was looking around worried. He could almost swear that he heard the distant echo of Mada voice in their usual "Phrased sentences" They had a long and boring walk, and they sang a few songs, and here is one of them.
We are walking through the dark,
And we have faced all but the shark,
We dare not go too loud or fast,
But we do not want to be last
After a little more walking they found a nice, Oriental rug, where they spent the night.
"Well, it is time that we were off." Gandork said, and the Dworcs got up tiredly. Bubbles would not have gotten up at all if Gandork didn't threaten to turn him into a double-headed frog. It didn't help that Gandork had, last night after dinner, warned the group of a new and greater danger that they faced on this next stage: a long dark path on the way to Hollin. Hollin was an ancient land of Elves that had long been deserted and re-inhabited by shiftless creatures.
"What is this dark way?" Bubbles had asked skeptically. Even a huge vegetarian meal, offered by Bearsteak, had not dulled his wits enough to accept without question anything Gandork might think up.
"Of old it was called the Hollin Tunnel," Gandork replied. "Then, it was a place of beautiful shiny tiles and fluorescent lights that held back the night, and of old it was filled with the aroma of diesel. Ahh. those were the days," he said in a happy dream. "But now it is abandoned by travelers, and a place of darkness it has become, and it has a darker name: More-Mada"
"Ai!! No!" Wailed the hapless Dworcs, "Not More-Mada! No one that goes in there ever comes out alive!"
"Do I look frightened?" Gandork snapped, and his eyebrows bristled imperiously.
"Why should you?" replied Bubbles, now quite annoyed. "Oh-you- that-has-more-lives-than-a-cat, may your beard grow ever longer! But some of us, less well endowed with reincarnational ability, might have some reservations about a long trip in the dark without even a flashlight!"
"What's a flashlight?" Asked Thorninyuras
"Oh, yeah, this is a British story," Bubbles answered. "A torch."
"But I can make a light!" said Gandork. "Besides, this is the shortest way, danger or no. There are dangers every way, and to walk the long way around would be a lot more WORK."
"Urf," said Bubbles, suddenly seeing the point. "I guess I'll go with you." That's how last evening ended. By the morning, Bubbles was feeling fresh reservations and Gandork's threats barely sufficed; but they did the trick in the end. So, with much grumbling, they started their way to More-Mada, or the Hollin Tunnel or whatever it was called. They did not have too much trouble on their way, and every night they found a nice shady spot of trees to rest. One day, however, they came across a huge, stone wall.
"Ahh! The walls of More-Mada!" said Gandork. Gandork led them to a spot somewhat in the middle of the wall.
"I don't see any door," said Bawling, looking around nervously. The sun was falling, and this place was beginning to look a little creepy. A stinking pool lay nearby filled with greasy looking water.
"Of course not," Gandork replied, "for the ancient elves knew how to make writing that was only visible in moonlight and starlight. They made it out of."
"Dirt!" squeaked Bubbles suddenly. "This whole wall is covered with dirt! Look! I can scrape some of it off with this old branch." Sure enough, as the others watched, Bubbles scratched at the wall, and some dirt fell away. Soon, a smooth face of rock appeared, and right over Bubble's head was, very distinctly, a circle.
"Why, it's an Ooo-la-la rune," exclaimed Gandork. "You really can be a most useful Habit! Here everyone, let's clean off this dirt and uncover the rest of the runes. Then I will show you my mastery of the ancient elvish languages." The Dworcs went to work as only Dworcs can (that is, with a lot of noise and not much progress). Soon, after much effort, jumbling, and cursing, a good portion of the wall had been wiped clean. Actually, most of the dirt now looked as though it had clung to the travelers. They all stopped, exhausted, and looked up at the wall. Plenty of dirt remained, but it said clearly:
HOLLIN TUNNEL
ACT CHANGEO
"Well, well, what an indecipherable pile of elf runes this is," remarked Bubbles sarcastically. "Only a real genius can read that!"
"But what does it mean," asked Killer, who was spitting dirt out of his mouth and threatening Drawling with his stick.
"It obviously is some sort of action we must take to open this magical door," said Gandork. Perhaps if I changed you into a double-headed frog- "
"No! Wait! Let's try something else first," said Bubbles, not at all sure that Gandork would remember the appropriate counter spell. "Maybe we need to all act as though we were changed."
"Changed? How? And how do you expect me to change?" Asked Thorninyuras importantly.
"You don't really have to change, Dworc-head," said Bubbles. "Just act changed. That's what the sign says. So, maybe each of us needs to act as differently from himself as he could be. Gandork, you act dignified ("harrumph," said the wizard), Thorny, you act polite ("ahem!" said the Dworc-lord), Bawling, you act brave ("excuse me!" Said the old coward)." you can see, as Bubbles began to tell each of the Dworcs how they could act in a changed way, how much Bubbles had changed since the beginning of his adventures. Not that he could be critical of others (certainly a natural born talent), or that he liked bossing people around (a Bugger trait), but because he didn't just sit down and pout. He was actually working, if he knew it. Fortunately, he didn't quite understand this, or else he certainly would have stopped immediately, just out of annoyance. In any event, soon the place was full of Dworcs running around looking as uncharacteristic as possible and Gandork watching sullenly. This was as close to dignity as the old wizard could manage. For a long time, they pranced and harrumphed and stood around, but no change came over the stone door.
"It doesn't seem to be working," said Bubbles.
"Maybe you need to act changed, too!" said a few of the Dworcs, pointing out Bubbles' obvious oversight. Everyone stopped, and an argument broke out over the best way for Bubbles to act changed, until Gandork suggested the obvious: that he pretends to be hard at work. So they all went back to it harder than ever, and Bubbles decided to clean up the wall a little more, just to look industrious. What he didn't count on, though, was that more of the sign was still under dirt (Dworcish efficiency again!) He suddenly cried out as he saw the completed sign:
HOLLIN TUNNEL
EXACT CHANGE ONLY
Elves: 4 gold pieces
Dwarfs: 8 gold pieces
Orcs: 20 gold pieces
Everyone else: 10 gold pieces
It took some time before Filler and Killer, who were trying to act polite, would stop bowing to each other and saying, "no, after you!" Finally Blubber stepped on Killer's foot, a sure attention getter, and the ornery Dworc pulled out his knife and threatened to stick it so far inside that it would never be found again. Thus ended the only polite words that the pair would ever use in their lives.
"All right lads, cough it up," said Gandork, who had calculated the price. This was harder than 'acting changeo' for the tight- fisted Dworcs, and they were put into an even worse mood when Bubbles informed them that he had no money. At last there was nothing for it but to pitch in for him, too.
"Where do we put the gold?" several of them asked. They scratched and scratched at the wall, but they could find no opening where the money would fit.
"It was the ancient elvish practice to have a basket for collecting money at tolls," said Gandork, "but where that basket would be is now a mystery. Until we find the opening that the basket would go into, we will not open this door." The whole party searched and searched, and meanwhile the sun went down behind the mountains in front of them and it grew darker and spookier than ever. Finally, Bubbles, who was not too good at nosing around, began to look at the scene from a distance. He wanted to laugh at the Dworcs, who looked as silly as they ever had, but suddenly he realized something.
"Say, do you think the hole might be in that pool of water?" He asked suddenly.
"Now that you mention it, such an arrangement makes sense," said Thorninyuras, looking at the placement of the pool and the door. It did look as though the pool sat at the perfect spot for a toll basket. The problem was, now that it came to it, no one wanted to throw a pile of gold pieces into that smelly water. For one thing, there was no guarantee that it would work.
"Then who would get the money out?" asked Bawling. Everyone looked at Bubbles.
"Oh, no you don't!" said Bubbles. No one else felt like fishing in the smelly water, either. They all stood around dejectedly for awhile, when suddenly Buffy spoke up.
"What if we tied a string to the money?" Everyone brightened at once. It was still a long and difficult business, but after some fiddling they had fashioned a little net bag out of a flap from Blubber's underwear, with spare shoestrings of about four or five of the other Dworcs, and had the money securely inside. Even so, it took Thorninyuras some time, and a lot of testing of the bag, before he was ready to lower his precious gold into the greasy water.
"Here goes!" said Gandork, as he carefully lowered the shoelaces forward. "Oops!" he cried, letting go of the string. The Dworcs all cried out in alarm, and Beefy jumped toward the water without thinking. He landed in face first and immediately screamed out in annoyance at the foul smell in his nose. "Just kidding!" laughed Gandork, who had the shoelaces tied to his pinky the whole time. There was some worry as the shoelaces were almost used up, when suddenly, with a grinding noise, the stone under the sign for the Hollin Tunnel pulled back and lifted up. From behind it was near total blackness. The walls of the tunnel were pockmarked and scratched, and pieces of white porcelain littered the floor. Graffiti was scrawled on the walls, too, mostly in the sloppy handwriting of the Mada, with things like "WIZZERDS BITE" and "NUTHIN WURS THAN A BAD HABIT." The graffiti, like the tunnel itself, wound downward and backward into the mountain into an endless distance. Fear poured out of the dark opening like a vapor.
"Now that it comes to it, I don't like this path at all," said Killer, hardly someone to object to the prospect of anything like a fair fight. The others agreed. Even Gandork seemed hesitant, but he fiddled with his staff and knocked it a few times, and with some jiggling and muttering a faint light came from the end. Bubbles would swear that he saw a pink bunny playing a base drum in some nearby bushes. Gandork moved uncertainly toward the yawning door.
"There's no way I'm going in there! Forget it!" Beefy, still full of stinky muck, was shaking his head. "I'm getting our money back!" With that he took the shoelace ends and pulled on them to get back the gold. It appeared to be stuck. He pulled harder and harder, and suddenly, the water began to churn and bubble. Something that looked like two gigantic mounds of flesh appeared in the water, two disgusting, pimply hills of rump. Bubbles had a sinking feeling in his stomach when he heard a flatulent sound coming from between them. The Dworcs nearest the water whipped their hands to their noses and screamed out in disgust and terror. The noise went on and on, as though some giant had eaten two tons of day-old refried beans. Soon the whole company was coughing and gagging, and almost without knowing it, ran down the tunnel to escape. The door closed with a grinding noise behind them.
"We now have but one choice," said Gandork grimly. "We must face the long dark of More-Mada. Be on your guard! There are much older and fouler things than Orcs, in the deep places of the world." Bubbles, more scared than he had ever been, was looking around worried. He could almost swear that he heard the distant echo of Mada voice in their usual "Phrased sentences" They had a long and boring walk, and they sang a few songs, and here is one of them.
We are walking through the dark,
And we have faced all but the shark,
We dare not go too loud or fast,
But we do not want to be last
After a little more walking they found a nice, Oriental rug, where they spent the night.
