X-Claimer: Hollywood had it coming!

A few blocks away, another director was filming her own movie. Several men in tuxedos stood on a set of stairs, preparing for a dance scene.

Among them was Bobby. He had managed to find a lawyer clever enough to void the "no-working-for-Todd-Fan" clause of his contract and had signed on to her film the moment she had asked him. This was his chance to save his own career and get away from Jamie. The music started, and he and the rest of the actors began to dance.

"Throw out your hands, Stick out your toosh. Hands on your hips, Give 'em a push! You'll be surprised, You're doing the French Mistake Voila!"

As Bobby jumped on cue at the 'Voila!', he tripped on one of the stairs and fell down it, knocking over several of the other actors.

"Cut!" screamed the director. "Oh, the things I have to put up with to get a movie made," she muttered, realizing just why Jamie had been so eager to fire Bobby in the first place.

The choreographer stalked onto the stage and made his way towards Bobby, who was standing with a sheepish look on his face.

"Wrong!" screamed the choreographer through his bullhorn, right in Bobby's ear. Then he smacked Bobby over the head with the thing.

"Ok, just watch me!" he said to the rest of the actors. "It's so simple, you sissy Marys!"

He took up the dancing pose. "Gimme the playback! And, watch me, fairies!"

The choreographer started dancing to the music. Everything went well until the end, when he accidentally stepped in one of the little pools that was part of the set. The actors gasped at his mistake.

"Nobody saw that!" shouted the choreographer. "Have you got it now?"

"Yessssssss," lisped the actors.

"Gah! It sounds like steam escaping!" said the choreographer. "Action! No, no, wait till I get off the set first!"

The actors began dancing to the music again, but they were interrupted when the walls of the studio suddenly came crashing down as the brawling actors from Blazing Mutants burst into the set.

"Cut! Cut!" screamed the director. "What in the hell do you think you're doing here? This is a closed set!!!"

Lance walked up to him. "Piss on you!" he said. "I'm working for Matt Briddell!" He raised his fist to strike the choreographer.

"Wait! Not in the face!" screamed the choreographer. Lance shrugged and punched him in the stomach instead, and the man keeled over.

"They've hit Buddy!" gasped one of the actors. "Come on, girls!"

The actors sent up a high-pitched, feminine scream and charged, and the melee erupted all over again.

X

Inside the studio's cafeteria, a crowd of tourists and actors were eating their lunches when the brawl spilled over into the room. The whole cafeteria turned into a giant food fight.

"Get your pies!" shouted a waiter over the din. "Get your pies for the great pie fight!"

A moment later, the air was filled with flying custard projectiles.

Pietro stepped out of the men's room, still in costume, and ducked as a pie whizzed by his head.

What's going on here, he wondered. Then he saw several actors from the Blazing Mutants set in the mix of things, including Forge.

"Oh no!" he moaned, and dashed back into the bathroom. He emerged a second later, his face covered in lemon meringue.

Pietro ran out of the cafeteria as the brawl moved out into the studio parking lot. He crossed the street and got into a cab.

"Drive me off this picture!" he told the cabbie.

The cab drove off. A few moments later, Forge rode out into the street and took off after Pietro's cab.

X

Pietro's cab pulled up at the curb of Bayville's Great China Theatre. He pushed his way past the line waiting for tickets.

"One, please," he said, holding out a few bucks and his student ID. "Student rate?" he asked.

"Are you kidding?" asked the ticket-taker.

Pietro grumbled and paid the rest of the ticket fee, and walked toward the doors.

Nearby, several tourists were admiring the numerous feet casts on the sidewalk.

"Look, Herman!" said one excited woman. "I'm standing in Peter Lorre's shoes!"

"That's Pietro Lamar!" Pietro snapped as he walked by and into the lobby.

He quickly walked up to the snack bar, hoping to get inside the theatre before Forge caught up to him. "Raisenettes!" he said to the cashier, paid, and went in the theatre.

A few minutes later, Jamie arrived outside the theatre. He looked up at the marquee, which read "Blazing Mutants" in bright yellow lights.

"What the hell?" he asked. "How is it here? We haven't finished shooting yet!"

To add to his bewilderment, he saw one of his clones walking out of the theatre, carrying a fat check in his hand and script in the other.

"You!" Jamie shouted to his clone. "What are you doing here?"

"Getting paid," said the clone. "What does it look like?"

"But how did you get the movie here before it was finished?" Jamie asked.

"Oh, I borrowed a little trick from Mutantballs," said the clone. "Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to go cash this check of mine,"

"That's my check!" Jamie said. "I made this movie!"

"Oh, did you?" asked the clone. "Then explain why the marquee says 'Produced by Todd Fan' on it?"

Jamie looked up at the marquee and saw that Todd Fan's name was indeed listed in the credits.

"What did you do?" Jamie asked his clone angrily.

"I sold her the rights to the picture, of course!" said the clone. "Why waste all that time going to film school when we can get rich the easy way?"

"You've been working for her all along, haven't you, you dirty double crosser!" Jamie said accusingly.

"Well, duh!" said the clone. "How do you think she was able to finish Mutants in Tights so fast!"

"You traitor! I'll kill you!" Jamie screamed, and started chasing his clone down the block.

X

Inside the theatre, Pietro found an empty seat and looked up at the screen. He was watching the end of Blazing Mutants, even though it had yet to be filmed. This was due to the marvelous new technology that Jamie's clone had borrowed from Shel and the rest of the team working on Mutantballs.

Pietro spit out his Raisenettes as he saw Forge ride up to the theatre on his horse.

"Shit!" he yelled, and stood up and left the theatre.

Pietro dashed out of the lobby, but he didn't get very far. "Freeze it!" he heard.

Sure enough, there was Forge, still in costume.

"Ok, Lamar, go for your gun!" Forge said.

"Wait!" Pietro said, throwing up his hands. "I'm unarmed!"

"Alright," said Forge. "We'll settle it like men," He dropped his gun on the pavement and put up his dukes.

"Oh, hang on a moment," Pietro said, remembering the pistol he had on him. "I just remembered, I am armed!"

He started to pull the gun out of his vest pocket, but Forge was too fast for him. Forge dove onto the ground, grabbed his gun and fired. The bullet hit Pietro between legs.

"Ah!" Pietro moaned as he crumpled to the ground. "There goes my Golden Globes nomination!"

Pietro landed on a foot-cast of the famous actor Douglas Fairbanks, who had been a stuntman despite his small shoe size.

"How did he do such great stunts with such tiny feet?" Pietro wondered, and then collapsed next to a fresh pool of cement that was waiting to be engraved. Thinking quickly, Pietro traced out the name 'Pietro Lamar' and a dollar sign before he passed out from the pain.

Remy walked up and looked at Pietro, lying facedown on the pavement.

"Wow, you shot de bad guy," he said.

"Don't act all surprised," Forge said. "Besides, yours was an accident!"

"Yeah, you be right about dat one," Remy said, referring to how his fight with Scott had ended up in Mutants in Tights. "So what do you wanna do now?"

"Let's catch the end of the flick," Forge said. Remy nodded his head and they both walked inside.

X

Up on the screen, the end of the movie was playing. The townsfolk were back in Bayville, and Forge was sitting on his horse, ready to depart.

"Sheriff, you can't go now," said Scott Johnson. "We need you,"

"My work here is done," Forge replied. "I'm needed elsewhere now, wherever outlaws rule the west, wherever innocent women and children are afraid to walk the streets, wherever a man cannot live in simple dignity, wherever a people cry out for justice,"

"BULLSHIT!" shouted the crowd.

"Ok, you caught me," said Forge. "To tell you the truth, it's gettin pretty damn dull around here,"

"Good luck, Forge," said Kurt, starting to cry. "And God bless!"

"Oh, Forge!" cried Fred.

Forge turned his horse to leave. "So long, baby bro!" he said to Evan, and slapped him five. "Keep the faith, brothers! Keep the faith!" he called as he rode out of town, the crowd's cheers ringing in his ears.

X

As Forge came to the outskirts of town, he passed by a solitary figure, holding a tub of popcorn in his hand.

"Where you headin', cowboy?" asked Remy, lifting his hat from over his eyes.

"Nowhere special," Forge replied.

"Remy always wanted to go dere," Remy said.

"Come on," Forge said. Remy smiled and climbed on his horse, and the two men rode off through the desert. After a few yards, they climbed down from their horses and walked over to the limo that was waiting for them. They got in the car and the chauffer closed the door, and they drove off into the sunset.

THE END

"Wow, Remy love a happy ending," Remy said, wiping a tear away from his face.

"What a film!" said Forge. "I wonder how much Jamie will make for it?"

"Oh, didn't Todd Fan tell you?" Remy said. "Jamie's clone sold the rights to her,"

"What? Why don't I ever hear about these kind of things?" Forge asked. "When was she going to tell me that?"

"Well, she wanted it to be a surprise," Remy replied.

"Man, she gives me no respect!" Forge complained. "First she makes me be a blind man, then she gives Kurt MY part at the end of Mutants in Tights, and now this!"

"Remy be sure dat it'll work out," Remy said. "Now come on, we gotta get ready for Mutantballs,"

"What part are you playing?" Forge asked. He had already been stuck with the role of Prince Valium for that film, and he was seriously considering firing his agent for landing him such a lousy part.

Remy whispered in his ear.

"Damn it to hell!" Forge shouted as they walked out of the theatre. "Why do you always get the good parts?"

"Must be Remy's natural suave charm," Remy said. "Dat and de fact dat Remy can speak wit' a real Cajun accent!"

XXX

That's the end of this wonderfully silly little parody. Thanks to all the readers and reviewers, and a special thanks to Todd Fan for all her support and for putting up with all the dueling I worked into this story. Have a fabulous summer, everybody!