2003 - Year of the Wham (or, 'Trewlaney's Travels')

::I hope you liked the last chapter! There was a lot of gazing into each other's eyes and stuff, but every romantic scene has that. What's so great about eyes? What about CHEEKS! This is why I urge you to join WACMIS (Writers against cheek mistreatment and ignorance society).::

Chapter Three - Hello, Nurse!

Professor Trewlaney walked down the street, arms crossed angrily. It wasn't fair. Douglas had been her one true love and had been evilly snatched away by the gods of fate. She sighed, remembering their meeting as if it where the days of Yore (Ah, the days of Yore, those were good days). Soon she came upon an enormous building with an enormous green sign that said 'Mall'. She decided to go in and look around, after all, she had just (conveniently, for the sake of my sad little fan fiction) overcome a crippling phobia, she might as well go all out.

She was amazed at everything she saw. It was a huge place with glass skylights and tons of things to buy. She saw a lovely shop filled with brightly coloured scarves and sarongs and walked in, choosing one of vibrant crimson.

"That will be $9.19," the young saleslady said, her palm open to receive the money.

Professor Trewlaney looked confused and pulled out 9 sickles, placing them on the counter.

The young woman picked up the coins, looking at them bewilderedly, "We take only British money, madam," she said plainly.

"This is British money!" she insisted, pushing the money back towards her impatiently as she pulled out her wand and pointed it at the girl's head. She had had a bad enough day already without some twerp giving her a hard time...

The woman grabbed the phone and at once her voice was broadcasted all over the mall: "Security to Scarves 'n' Things."

"Nooo! I'll never let you take me! NOO!" she wailed, running out of the store and down the corridor past a display of mail-order home nose-waxing products.

"Thaaaaat's right, ladies and gentlemen, no more tedious nose-hair tweezing! You just tilt your head like this...and fill your nose with the wax, and in 15 minutes you'll have a smooth, hairless nasal passage and a decorative nose mold to display for friends and family. All for less than thirty pounds..."

She slid around a corner and saw a hair-styling studio and an unmistakable head of greasy black hair...it must be...

"Snapey!!!" she yelled, rushing over and whirling the chair around, "Oh Snapey, it's you!"

Snape's mouth fell open, (it actually was Snape, and not some greasy-haired beaver or anything) and he gave her a look of utmost loathing, "Oh no...not you..."

"Of course it's me!" she squealed excitedly, hugging him tight, "Oh Snapey, you have to help me! Oh, Severus! Oh, my beloved bosom friend!"

"There she is!" she heard the saleslady yell from across the food court, "She's mad, I tell you! Stark raving mad!"

Professor Trewlaney paled and pulled Snape out of his chair, the foil from his pink highlights crinkling musically. She held him in front of her and pointed her wand over his shoulder at the chubby security guards.

"Don't shoot! Don't hurt my Snapey!"

"Get off of me, you imbecile!" he yelled, pulling at her arm around his neck.

"Protect me, Severus, they're going to take me awaaaay!"

"Well it's about time!" he said angrily, trying to pull her off of him.

"Hush, Sevvie, you have to protect me!" she ordered, shoving the red scarf in his mouth.

"Gmmf! Mm-umm Skumm!" he mumbled through the scarf, and

WHAM!

he flipped her onto the ground, spitting the scarf on her face. She reached up and grabbed his robes, pulling at them as she felt a bee sting her arm, and she drifted off.

...they're callin' again...

*****

Professor Trewlaney awoke, her head on something soft and rubbery. She opened her eyes, blinking and moaning. Her head really hurt.

She was in a white, rectangular room with poufy padded walls and floors. A camera was perched in the corner.

She sighed, leaning her bruised head against the wall and singing mournfully.

"Noooobody knows, the truffles I've seen...Nooobody knows, my-"

"Oh! The patient be waking!" a familiar voice said. It was the doctor from the ER. He walked into the room and grinned.

"Githa-oorepitalocta" she managed to say, still dopey from the Frasier drugs, the same drugs she had been given for her broken nose.

"Ahh, you is wondering why I am here? I decided to become a psychiatreest. You are not needing a degree no more, jost an accent and a beard!" he clapped his hands delightedly, and left her alone as she drifted back into sleep.

*****

Professor Trewlaney stared at the camera, fascinated by all the Muggle technology used these days. She had been in the poufy room for two days, and had slept most of the time. She wished she had her orb (I didn't use 'ball' this time, *cheer*) so she could see what was going on. More than that, she wished her beloved Muggle boyfriend was with her.

She stood up. Her robes had been taken away and she was dressed in a white shirt and slacks. She looked at the poufy padded walls and leaned back against them. Bouncy.

She grinned and ran towards the opposite wall, arms outstretched. She reached the wall and bounced back, toppling backwards until she hit the first wall again. She continued like this back and forth until the nurse came into her room to give her some pills and read her a Richard Scarry book.

On the third day she found a piece of fossilized pigeon poo on her windowsill, probably left by the pigeons of Yore (Ahh, the pigeons of Yore, those were good pigeons). She used it to draw on the walls until two male nurses (Helloooo, nurse!) came in to bring her to therapy.

They sat her down in the bearded doctor's office, in a white (and POUFY!) chair. The doctor turned around and greeted her, sitting down.

"Comfortable?"

"Yes," she answered, "What a lovely, poufy place."

"I am glad you are liking it," he said, "Now, I know you vant to be good, don't you? You's not vanting to bite zee nurses?"

"Hey!" she said angrily, "He tried to take advantage of me!"

"He looked een your ear veez zee leetle medical flashlight," he said delicately.

"He touched it, too!" Professor Trewlaney insisted, "In a very suggestive way!"

The doctor shrugged and peered at her over the folder he was holding, "And you are saying you vant your vand?"

She nodded.

"Vy ees zees piece of vood so eemportant to you?"

"How else would I Summon my Tinkie-Winkie doll?" she answered plainly.

"You...you beleef you can do zings vees zis?"

She nodded again.

"I see..." he said, as he wrote on his notepad, "Vell, you may have zees...'vand' of yours, eef you behave," he told her, setting own her file, "Okays?"

"Vat...er, what happens if I don't cooperate?" she asked curiously.

He waved his hand and two nurses (Heloooo, nurse!) turned on a small television in the wall. They could see into a another poufy room where a struggling man in a straitjacket was being force-fed warm pureed dill pickles by a team of six nurses and a hot dog vendor who came in to ask for directions.

"NO! NOOO! Anything but that!" she wailed, her hands over her face.

"Take 'er avay," the doctor ordered, and the nurses brought her back to the poufy room, handing her the wand reluctantly.

She grinned and waited until they left, then pointed it at the window but the bars of red light just rebounded at her.

"Magic proof! Those fiends!" she exclaimed miserable, making her hands into fists and almost breaking her wand in half, "How dare they!"

And suddenly, an idea struck her,

(WHAM),

she picked up the fossilized pigeon poo and started to sharpen it against the edge of her wand so it became very sharp. She sliced the bars with a quick slash of the fossil and squeezed out, levitating herself to the ground.

She looked up and down the darkened street, humming happily to herself...

~~~Author's note: Yay, chapter three! Because of suggestions from friends, family, and reviewers I have proofread this chapter a little more diligently. I can assure you there are no typos in this one. If you think you see a typo, it's probably just the doctor's accent. Stay tuned next week for chapter four. Oh yes, and by the way, REVIEW!! Please, please, please!! I'll be your best friend forever!