Legacy of Ganon: Nut Reaver
(Opening Demo) (Ozar Midrashim begins to play)
Wingnut VO: Ganon is deified, the clans tell tales of him, most of them involving humorous whoopie cushions. One time, Turel put a whoopie cusshion on his throne. Whoooo that was one good time seeing Turel get the stuffing beat out of him. Anyway....oh yeah, few know the truth. He was mortal once, as were we all. His contept with humanity drove him to create me and the other sorry excuses for vampires. What was he smoking when he created us anyway? I am Wingnut, first born his nutcases. I stood with Ganaon at the dawn of the empire...then got tired and went back to bed. Over time, he became less human and more...loony. He would enter the state of change and emerge with a new gift. This year he wanted a new video game. Some years after the master, our evolution would follow. Until I had the honor of surpassing my Lord...
With that, Wingnut walks in and kneeels, then reveals angelic wings.
Ganon: 0.0 Woah.....*walks over to Wingnut* Nice wings!!! Cool! *walks behind her* Dumah! Look at the pretty wings! Now why cant you be more like her and grow wings? I swanny...WHA-WHA-AHHHH! *trips over cleverly placed tripwire and grabs for the closest thing, e.g. Wingut's wings. The wings unforunately rip off*
Wingunt: AAARGH!!!!! GANON YOU CLUMSY ^&*#@$!
Ganon: Wha-what did you call me?
Wingnut: Eh heh heh....
(at the Abyss...)
Wnut VO: There was one possible outcome: extreme pain! I was to suffer the fate of traitors and weaklings and burn forever in the bowels of the Lake of the Braindead...
Ganon: Cast her in.
Wnut: *gets thown in by Dumah and Turel* NOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooo
Ganon: Just kidding! Only joking! I really had you goin' didnt I Wingnut.....Wingnut?....*glares at Dumah* Dumaaaaah!!!!
Dumah: Er...I...um.....*points to Turel* He did it!
Turel: What? Me? NO! Nononononononononono-*gets pushed in by Ganon* AHHHHHHHHHHH.....
(And this, my friends, explains why Turel wasnt in Soul Reaver 1! ^_^)
Wingut VO: Tumbling, burning with white hot fire...wait....how can there be fire when I'm underwater? Speakable pain: It huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurt!!!!!! Alot man! I mean, you try hurling yourself into an endless vortex of water and see how you like it! Time ceasced to exist, only this torture and a deepened hatred for the hypocricy that allowed Barney on television. An eternity passed and the pain receeded. The decent had destroyed me and yet...I lived. Woah...thats not even possible if ya think about it, you know with the whole being destroyed thing. Man....this is already confusing me!!!
(Wingnut gets up to find that her stomach and jaw are burned away, and her cape is beside her. She picks it up and wrapps it around her mouth or what used to be her mouth. A voice ecchoes through the chamber.)
Elder God: Wingnut.....you are worthy.....
Wingnut: AAAAAAAH! I HEAR VOICES!!!!!!
EG: I know you Wingnut...you are worthy....
Wingnut: THEYRE AFTER ME!!!!! THE VOICES ARE OUT TO GET MEEEEE!!!!!
EG: Wingnut! I am not out to get you! I'm here to manupula-I mean, help you!
Wingnut: Oh. Carry on then.
EG: As I was saying.....you are worthy....for a Jamacian Cruise! (confetti falls)
Wingnut: ^_^ Yay!
EG: All you have to do is-
Wingnut: *sees self* AAH! What is this pittiful for I've come to inhabbit? Death would be a release next to this traversty!
EG: Fine if you don't want the cruise.....You did not survive the Abyss. I have only spared you from total dissolution.
Wingnut: I am destroyed!
EG: Yep. Anyway, the birth of one of Ganon's abominations trpps the esscence of life. It is this soul that animates the corpse you lived in. And that, Wingnut, is the demise of Nosgoth. There is no ballance, I cannot spin them in the wheel of fate! Redeem yourself. Or if you prefer, avenge yourself. Settle your dispute with Ganon. Destroy him and your brethren. Use your hatred to reave their souls. I can make it possible. Become my Soul Reaver, my angel of Death...
Wingnut: Say what now?
EG: JUST GO KILL YOUR BROTHERS BLOCKHEAD!!!
Wingnut: What about the cruise?
EG: No cruise until ypu kill your brothers!
Wnut: ;_; Thats just mean!
(Wingnut then leaves to the next chamber, where she finds an archway of sorts)
EG: These gates twist space, laying a path across great spans.
Wingnut: Whatever...*tries to leave but walks into the barrier and falls flat on her back*
EG: GAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh, thats funny! That was a riot!
Wingnut: What was that?
EG: Oh, just one of my lovely barriers. I can puty em up anywhere! HAHAHAHA You are trapped here!
(Wingnut steps on the portal thingy and the barrier dissapears)
EG: Um.....right....
(Wingnut continues and becomes weak with hunger, so she leans up against the wall)
EG: You are weak. You must feed.
Wingnut: The old hunger has left me; Ihave no desire for Whoppers.
EG: You are changed. Your bloodthirst has been replaced by a deeper need; you have become a devourer of souls. To sustain your strength, you must hunt the lost spirits of the underworld.
Wingnut: Okay.......*eats souls* Mmmm....tastes like chicken!
(Wingnut comes eventually to a chasm)
EG: Your wings, though ruined, are not without purpose. Take hold of them as you leap and they will cary you across this chasm.
Wingnut: Why cant I just use this bridge?
EG: Well there is that too.....
(Wingnut comes to a room with two sluagh)
Wingnut: What are these scabbarous wretches?
EG: Sluagh, the scourge of the underworld. Their fearal hunger has claimed countless souls.
Wingnut: Hey! Ive seen these guys before!
EG: You have?
Wingnut: Yeah! These guys look like the Poes off of that Zelda game Ganon plays!
EG: Oops sorry...*tentacles put two sluaghs in room, sluaghs eat poes* There. THESE are Sluaghs.
Wingnut: Kewel! *jumps down* Hi! I'm Wingnut!
Sluagh 1: Get her!
Sluagh 2: Die evil blue thing!
Wingnut: What? *dodges attack* I just wanna be friends! *jumps over sluagh fist* C'mon guys!
3 hours and two suicidal Sluagh later, Wingnut presses on until she comes to a portal
EG: I would do a long boring speach, but I'm expecting company in a few minutes, so I'll make this fast. 1) Use these blue things to go into the mortal pane. You can come back here anytime. Two: Avoid water cause it burns. 3: When you want to know who the next dopes are, theyer Dumah's kids. Now if you'll excuse me I have some tidying up to do...
Wingnut: Say what?......(scilence).....Ah well.
Wingnut walks along and (after falling into the water a few dozen times) comes to the two Dumahim.
Wnut VO: I guess these are Dumah's children!....then that means....Im their Aunt!
Wingnut: *jumps down* Hi! Say hello to Aunty Wingnut!!!
Dumahim 1: AAAAH!!! Daddy warned us about her!
Dumahim 2: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
Both of the Dumahim commit suicide, leaving Wingnut alone with a block.
Wingnut: Hmmmm.....a block....an unreachable ledge....This is gonna be easy!
4 hours later
Wingnut: AAAAARGH!!!! I HATE THESE @#$%& BLOCKS!!!!! *finally solves it and comes across the Sanctuary of the Clans*
Wnut VO: This place is a mess. Ganon should get better house-cleaners. I mean it looks like its been like, centuries ago that I was thrown in the Abyss!
Dumahim: Hey look! Its Aunt Wingnut! Havent seen her in a long time!
Dumahim 2: Yeah! Its been like, centuries since she was thrown into the Abyss!
Wnut VO: Crap. Anyway, it looks like I cant get in there right now. Ganon must have locked it up. Looks like I'd have to find another means of entery...
Dumahim 1: Hey Aunt! You cant get in there right now! Ganon locked it up! You'll have to- *gets killed by Wingnut*
Wingnut goes off to......(dramatic pause)....The Abyss!!!!!!!
Wnut VO: Though much of Nosgoth had changed, this at least remained constant. The endlessly swirling waters of the Abyss......round and round and round.....whew....I'd better stop staring at it.....Im getting dizzy....
Wingnut (somehow knows to) goes West and comes to her clan area
Wnut VO: Man this place needs some serious paint jobs done to it. I'd better get my clan to do this....wait....My CLAN!!!!! I knew the hand who wrought this evil deed......Oprah....no, wait....Dr. Phil....
EG: Ganon you idiot!
Wingnut: I thought you were cleaning up!
EG: Im done! My company should be here any second now....
Wingnut: Whatever.
And so, Wingnut goes through the gate into Melchiah's Clan area. Little known to her, EG's company has arrived....
EG: Oh goody, here he comes......(pause, clears throat).....Raziel....You are worthy.....
So how was it guys? I hoped that you liked it!!! After much pain, turmoil, and suffering (eg grounding) I finally got it done! (confetti falls) Hey! Cut that out! Who keeps throwing all the confetti around here anyway?
And for all you Kingdom Hearts fans out there, dont worry. I hope to continue my KH parody soo. If I get enuff positive feedback, then I shall continue the story. Thank you all, and Good night!!!
(Opening Demo) (Ozar Midrashim begins to play)
Wingnut VO: Ganon is deified, the clans tell tales of him, most of them involving humorous whoopie cushions. One time, Turel put a whoopie cusshion on his throne. Whoooo that was one good time seeing Turel get the stuffing beat out of him. Anyway....oh yeah, few know the truth. He was mortal once, as were we all. His contept with humanity drove him to create me and the other sorry excuses for vampires. What was he smoking when he created us anyway? I am Wingnut, first born his nutcases. I stood with Ganaon at the dawn of the empire...then got tired and went back to bed. Over time, he became less human and more...loony. He would enter the state of change and emerge with a new gift. This year he wanted a new video game. Some years after the master, our evolution would follow. Until I had the honor of surpassing my Lord...
With that, Wingnut walks in and kneeels, then reveals angelic wings.
Ganon: 0.0 Woah.....*walks over to Wingnut* Nice wings!!! Cool! *walks behind her* Dumah! Look at the pretty wings! Now why cant you be more like her and grow wings? I swanny...WHA-WHA-AHHHH! *trips over cleverly placed tripwire and grabs for the closest thing, e.g. Wingut's wings. The wings unforunately rip off*
Wingunt: AAARGH!!!!! GANON YOU CLUMSY ^&*#@$!
Ganon: Wha-what did you call me?
Wingnut: Eh heh heh....
(at the Abyss...)
Wnut VO: There was one possible outcome: extreme pain! I was to suffer the fate of traitors and weaklings and burn forever in the bowels of the Lake of the Braindead...
Ganon: Cast her in.
Wnut: *gets thown in by Dumah and Turel* NOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooo
Ganon: Just kidding! Only joking! I really had you goin' didnt I Wingnut.....Wingnut?....*glares at Dumah* Dumaaaaah!!!!
Dumah: Er...I...um.....*points to Turel* He did it!
Turel: What? Me? NO! Nononononononononono-*gets pushed in by Ganon* AHHHHHHHHHHH.....
(And this, my friends, explains why Turel wasnt in Soul Reaver 1! ^_^)
Wingut VO: Tumbling, burning with white hot fire...wait....how can there be fire when I'm underwater? Speakable pain: It huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurt!!!!!! Alot man! I mean, you try hurling yourself into an endless vortex of water and see how you like it! Time ceasced to exist, only this torture and a deepened hatred for the hypocricy that allowed Barney on television. An eternity passed and the pain receeded. The decent had destroyed me and yet...I lived. Woah...thats not even possible if ya think about it, you know with the whole being destroyed thing. Man....this is already confusing me!!!
(Wingnut gets up to find that her stomach and jaw are burned away, and her cape is beside her. She picks it up and wrapps it around her mouth or what used to be her mouth. A voice ecchoes through the chamber.)
Elder God: Wingnut.....you are worthy.....
Wingnut: AAAAAAAH! I HEAR VOICES!!!!!!
EG: I know you Wingnut...you are worthy....
Wingnut: THEYRE AFTER ME!!!!! THE VOICES ARE OUT TO GET MEEEEE!!!!!
EG: Wingnut! I am not out to get you! I'm here to manupula-I mean, help you!
Wingnut: Oh. Carry on then.
EG: As I was saying.....you are worthy....for a Jamacian Cruise! (confetti falls)
Wingnut: ^_^ Yay!
EG: All you have to do is-
Wingnut: *sees self* AAH! What is this pittiful for I've come to inhabbit? Death would be a release next to this traversty!
EG: Fine if you don't want the cruise.....You did not survive the Abyss. I have only spared you from total dissolution.
Wingnut: I am destroyed!
EG: Yep. Anyway, the birth of one of Ganon's abominations trpps the esscence of life. It is this soul that animates the corpse you lived in. And that, Wingnut, is the demise of Nosgoth. There is no ballance, I cannot spin them in the wheel of fate! Redeem yourself. Or if you prefer, avenge yourself. Settle your dispute with Ganon. Destroy him and your brethren. Use your hatred to reave their souls. I can make it possible. Become my Soul Reaver, my angel of Death...
Wingnut: Say what now?
EG: JUST GO KILL YOUR BROTHERS BLOCKHEAD!!!
Wingnut: What about the cruise?
EG: No cruise until ypu kill your brothers!
Wnut: ;_; Thats just mean!
(Wingnut then leaves to the next chamber, where she finds an archway of sorts)
EG: These gates twist space, laying a path across great spans.
Wingnut: Whatever...*tries to leave but walks into the barrier and falls flat on her back*
EG: GAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh, thats funny! That was a riot!
Wingnut: What was that?
EG: Oh, just one of my lovely barriers. I can puty em up anywhere! HAHAHAHA You are trapped here!
(Wingnut steps on the portal thingy and the barrier dissapears)
EG: Um.....right....
(Wingnut continues and becomes weak with hunger, so she leans up against the wall)
EG: You are weak. You must feed.
Wingnut: The old hunger has left me; Ihave no desire for Whoppers.
EG: You are changed. Your bloodthirst has been replaced by a deeper need; you have become a devourer of souls. To sustain your strength, you must hunt the lost spirits of the underworld.
Wingnut: Okay.......*eats souls* Mmmm....tastes like chicken!
(Wingnut comes eventually to a chasm)
EG: Your wings, though ruined, are not without purpose. Take hold of them as you leap and they will cary you across this chasm.
Wingnut: Why cant I just use this bridge?
EG: Well there is that too.....
(Wingnut comes to a room with two sluagh)
Wingnut: What are these scabbarous wretches?
EG: Sluagh, the scourge of the underworld. Their fearal hunger has claimed countless souls.
Wingnut: Hey! Ive seen these guys before!
EG: You have?
Wingnut: Yeah! These guys look like the Poes off of that Zelda game Ganon plays!
EG: Oops sorry...*tentacles put two sluaghs in room, sluaghs eat poes* There. THESE are Sluaghs.
Wingnut: Kewel! *jumps down* Hi! I'm Wingnut!
Sluagh 1: Get her!
Sluagh 2: Die evil blue thing!
Wingnut: What? *dodges attack* I just wanna be friends! *jumps over sluagh fist* C'mon guys!
3 hours and two suicidal Sluagh later, Wingnut presses on until she comes to a portal
EG: I would do a long boring speach, but I'm expecting company in a few minutes, so I'll make this fast. 1) Use these blue things to go into the mortal pane. You can come back here anytime. Two: Avoid water cause it burns. 3: When you want to know who the next dopes are, theyer Dumah's kids. Now if you'll excuse me I have some tidying up to do...
Wingnut: Say what?......(scilence).....Ah well.
Wingnut walks along and (after falling into the water a few dozen times) comes to the two Dumahim.
Wnut VO: I guess these are Dumah's children!....then that means....Im their Aunt!
Wingnut: *jumps down* Hi! Say hello to Aunty Wingnut!!!
Dumahim 1: AAAAH!!! Daddy warned us about her!
Dumahim 2: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
Both of the Dumahim commit suicide, leaving Wingnut alone with a block.
Wingnut: Hmmmm.....a block....an unreachable ledge....This is gonna be easy!
4 hours later
Wingnut: AAAAARGH!!!! I HATE THESE @#$%& BLOCKS!!!!! *finally solves it and comes across the Sanctuary of the Clans*
Wnut VO: This place is a mess. Ganon should get better house-cleaners. I mean it looks like its been like, centuries ago that I was thrown in the Abyss!
Dumahim: Hey look! Its Aunt Wingnut! Havent seen her in a long time!
Dumahim 2: Yeah! Its been like, centuries since she was thrown into the Abyss!
Wnut VO: Crap. Anyway, it looks like I cant get in there right now. Ganon must have locked it up. Looks like I'd have to find another means of entery...
Dumahim 1: Hey Aunt! You cant get in there right now! Ganon locked it up! You'll have to- *gets killed by Wingnut*
Wingnut goes off to......(dramatic pause)....The Abyss!!!!!!!
Wnut VO: Though much of Nosgoth had changed, this at least remained constant. The endlessly swirling waters of the Abyss......round and round and round.....whew....I'd better stop staring at it.....Im getting dizzy....
Wingnut (somehow knows to) goes West and comes to her clan area
Wnut VO: Man this place needs some serious paint jobs done to it. I'd better get my clan to do this....wait....My CLAN!!!!! I knew the hand who wrought this evil deed......Oprah....no, wait....Dr. Phil....
EG: Ganon you idiot!
Wingnut: I thought you were cleaning up!
EG: Im done! My company should be here any second now....
Wingnut: Whatever.
And so, Wingnut goes through the gate into Melchiah's Clan area. Little known to her, EG's company has arrived....
EG: Oh goody, here he comes......(pause, clears throat).....Raziel....You are worthy.....
So how was it guys? I hoped that you liked it!!! After much pain, turmoil, and suffering (eg grounding) I finally got it done! (confetti falls) Hey! Cut that out! Who keeps throwing all the confetti around here anyway?
And for all you Kingdom Hearts fans out there, dont worry. I hope to continue my KH parody soo. If I get enuff positive feedback, then I shall continue the story. Thank you all, and Good night!!!
