Dear Viviane,
Look here, you murderous French hussy:
I could have set you up with Sirius. Well, OK, not him. You would have killed each other midway through the first chapter. Fudge, then. I could have paired you with Fudge, or Crouch or given you an unaccountable and very inappropriate, starry-eyed crush on Goyle. But no. I gave you a romance with Severus "I'm Too Sexy for My Buttons" Snape, complete with arguments, waltzes, arguments, kisses in gardens and hot, hot sex. And more arguments.
Are you grateful? No. No, of course not.
First of all, despite all of my best intentions, you insisted on having a fling with Bill Weasley. I had no intention of letting you do this heinous thing (what would Molly think of me, if she knew I let this happen?) But you just had to indulge in an affair with Mr. Cool Guy. Talk about cliche! If I were going to let you suborn a Weasley, I would have chosen Charlie. He doesn't get nearly the action Bill does. He could have used you as dragon bait, and he certainly could have used a good lay.
But that isn't the worst of it.
I give you the sweetest guy in the books as a friend, Remus Lupin, and what do you do? After giving him a very difficult time, you try and kiss him when he's comforting you, and then burst out laughing when he politely tries to respond. Well, yes, he was relieved that he didn't have to slap a chastity belt on you to protect himself, but still. You could have been more polite. Telling a man that he's 'too nice to be sexy' is not exactly complimentary.
And your pet. I wanted you to have a magnificent peregrine falcon to help you in your adventures and, er, just fly around being magnificent. Instead, Malhereuse exists to drop half-dead voles in your lap and crap on people's carpets. I know you make him do this - it isn't me.
All of this pales, however, besides the two major problems you have caused in my writing. First of all, you are the only OC I know who makes her author parody herself. Crypts of Lieberkuhn? To Hell in a Handfasting? The Sword and the Shrubbery? What kind of fabulous, dramatic, angsty fanfic is that? I'll tell you what kind - it ISN'T. They are silly messes of fanfic, and it is all your fault. If you weren't such lusty mess of a person, you couldn't be parodied so easily.
Speaking of lusty messes, how DARE you! Perhaps I should be blaming both you and Severus. Do you two ever stop? Arguing or having sex? Apparently not. I was sitting in a meeting. Yes, it was boring. Yes, I was idly writing out a scene. No, I did not expect you two to go at it right in front of my eyes. In a broom closet. At Malfoy's house. Ahem. Not only that, but you made me enjoy it. The next thing I know, it's happening again, only this time high, titanium-heeled shoes and pit vipers used as bondage instruments are involved. You'd become so shameless that I couldn't even put you up on Sugarquill, and I had to keep your further adventures on Witchfics.
OK, OK, I admit you handled that, you know, situation with Lucius fairly well. But forcing me to realize my inborn potential as a porn writer....Viviane, that is not good behavior from an OC. I know you think you've gotten away with something, since your further adventures won't be thrown into cyberspace, but guess again. I still have plenty of room on my hard drive, and Mr. Goyle is going to get past the jailbait age. Ha.
Your revenge-minded creator, Juliane.
Look here, you murderous French hussy:
I could have set you up with Sirius. Well, OK, not him. You would have killed each other midway through the first chapter. Fudge, then. I could have paired you with Fudge, or Crouch or given you an unaccountable and very inappropriate, starry-eyed crush on Goyle. But no. I gave you a romance with Severus "I'm Too Sexy for My Buttons" Snape, complete with arguments, waltzes, arguments, kisses in gardens and hot, hot sex. And more arguments.
Are you grateful? No. No, of course not.
First of all, despite all of my best intentions, you insisted on having a fling with Bill Weasley. I had no intention of letting you do this heinous thing (what would Molly think of me, if she knew I let this happen?) But you just had to indulge in an affair with Mr. Cool Guy. Talk about cliche! If I were going to let you suborn a Weasley, I would have chosen Charlie. He doesn't get nearly the action Bill does. He could have used you as dragon bait, and he certainly could have used a good lay.
But that isn't the worst of it.
I give you the sweetest guy in the books as a friend, Remus Lupin, and what do you do? After giving him a very difficult time, you try and kiss him when he's comforting you, and then burst out laughing when he politely tries to respond. Well, yes, he was relieved that he didn't have to slap a chastity belt on you to protect himself, but still. You could have been more polite. Telling a man that he's 'too nice to be sexy' is not exactly complimentary.
And your pet. I wanted you to have a magnificent peregrine falcon to help you in your adventures and, er, just fly around being magnificent. Instead, Malhereuse exists to drop half-dead voles in your lap and crap on people's carpets. I know you make him do this - it isn't me.
All of this pales, however, besides the two major problems you have caused in my writing. First of all, you are the only OC I know who makes her author parody herself. Crypts of Lieberkuhn? To Hell in a Handfasting? The Sword and the Shrubbery? What kind of fabulous, dramatic, angsty fanfic is that? I'll tell you what kind - it ISN'T. They are silly messes of fanfic, and it is all your fault. If you weren't such lusty mess of a person, you couldn't be parodied so easily.
Speaking of lusty messes, how DARE you! Perhaps I should be blaming both you and Severus. Do you two ever stop? Arguing or having sex? Apparently not. I was sitting in a meeting. Yes, it was boring. Yes, I was idly writing out a scene. No, I did not expect you two to go at it right in front of my eyes. In a broom closet. At Malfoy's house. Ahem. Not only that, but you made me enjoy it. The next thing I know, it's happening again, only this time high, titanium-heeled shoes and pit vipers used as bondage instruments are involved. You'd become so shameless that I couldn't even put you up on Sugarquill, and I had to keep your further adventures on Witchfics.
OK, OK, I admit you handled that, you know, situation with Lucius fairly well. But forcing me to realize my inborn potential as a porn writer....Viviane, that is not good behavior from an OC. I know you think you've gotten away with something, since your further adventures won't be thrown into cyberspace, but guess again. I still have plenty of room on my hard drive, and Mr. Goyle is going to get past the jailbait age. Ha.
Your revenge-minded creator, Juliane.
