Disclaimer- IT'S ALL MINE!!!! I'M THE GENIUS BEHIND THE HARRY POTTER STORIES AND I OWN IT ALL! IT'S MINE! MINE I TELL YOU, MINE! *

Chapter Seventeen: Of Revenge and Noogies

James was good and tired of being under Madam Pompfrey's constant observation by the end of that day, so he took matters into his own hands. He woke up early and snuck out of the hospital wing and into the Common Room before Madam Pompfrey began her rounds. It was only five-oh-two when he got to the Common Room, and, using his common sense, he decided not to rouse the others this early. Enjoying the relative tranquility of the roaring fire (gotta love the House Elves), he didn't even notice when someone sat down in the chair next to him.

"James? Is that you?" He recognized that accent…

"Oh, hey Jessie!"

"James!" she squealed. She ran over to him and gave him a hug. James felt his heart skip a beat. "We were so worried about you!" She pulled away from him and looked straight into his eyes. "Never do that again! You could've…"

"Yeah, but I didn't," he grinned, using bravado to cover up for the floating sensation that was sweeping his body. "Did you watch the match?"

"You crazy? Course I did! You were spectacular!" James grinned so widely he thought it might stretch off his face. "But really stupid. Why'd you dive like that you idiot?" James blushed.

"I just wanted to catch the snitch. As long as we win it doesn't matter if I get ploughed." Jessie face eased into a smile.

"Were you this insane before the crash or did the collision rattle your brains?"

"No, he was definitely exactly like this before the crash." James and Jessie whirled around to find a sleepy Lily standing on the stairs.

"Couldn't sleep?" asked James as she stumbled onto the sofa, rubbing her eyes and yawning.

"Peyton was talking in her sleep again and I figured that it'd be better reading down here then listen to her have conversations about fashion up there." James noticed that she was holding a copy of Dune in her hands.

"Whoa," said Jessie. Apparently she had noticed the enormous novel as well. "You actually read that?"

"Yeah. I'm only on page 47, but it's getting really interesting." Lily flipped open to a page and propped herself up against one of the armrests. There was an awkward silence until Lily looked up and said, "Well, don't let me disturb you." James smiled appreciatively at her and turned back to Jessie.

"So did I miss much while I was in the Hospital Wing?"

And that's how Sirius and Remus found them when they entered the Common Room and hour later. Lily was asleep, head leaning against the large couch cushions, book laid open on her stomach, while Jessie and James were in a heated argument over which sport was better, Quidditch or (). They stopped short.

"Well, there goes the rescue mission," muttered Remus. James noticed them for the first time.

"What're you lot doing here?" he said. Sirius took note of his companion and smiled knowingly.

"About to rescue you from the iron grip of the Mistress of Doom, but you seem to be doing quite well without us." Then he turned to Jessie as though just noticing her presence. "Why, I don't believe I've had the pleasure of making your acquaintance." He stated. Jessie giggled, looking unbelieving into Sirius's deadly serious (no pun intended) face.

"Jessie Windham. And you are…?"

"Sirius Black, master of disaster. It's an honor, Jessie Windham." He held out his hand as if to shake hers, but when she put her hand in his he brought it to his lips and kissed it lightly. Jessie choked with laughter while fighting down a blush. James was furious and clenched his fists tightly, short fingernails digging into his sweaty palm. Lily surveyed this exchange with half closed eyes, while Remus looked on with interest. Sirius took the side of the couch nearest Jessie, leaving Remus to squish in next to Lily. She obligingly moved her legs so he could have room, and sat up so they could talk. She easily coaxed him into helping her get revenge on Siri, who was completely ignoring them- he was far too intent on pissing off James.

By the time the next student had entered the Common Room, James had his anger in check, and Lily and Remus had a master plan that revolved around one person.

"Peyton!" Lily burst into her dorm to find Peyton lacing up her shoes.

"Yes?" she said, glancing into a mirror that was hovering at eye level. Giving her hair one final pat, she stood up, plucking the mirror out of the air and laying it flat on her bedside table. "Stay," she commanded. The mirror obliged, sitting placidly in its place.

"I need your help with something," Lily said trying to draw Payton's attention back to herself.

"With what?" Peyton seemed mildly interested.

"Well, I'm trying to pull a prank-"

"Oh, not another one Lily. I'm not going to get in trouble over some stupid little-"

"But I need you to distract Sirius while I-"

"Sirius? Hmm…maybe I can help…" Lily smiled. She had just struck gold.

"Why don't you come down to breakfast with me? I'll fill you in on the way."

At eight-thirty all the cards were in play. Sirius entered the Hall with Remus, who gave Lily a thumbs up. She turned quickly to Peyton and muttered, "It's showtime!" Smiling like a perfect angel, Peyton stood up and glided over to Sirius.

"Oh Sirius?" she said quietly.

"Erm-yeah?" he looked a bit perplexed to be approached by Peyton- he had barely said two words…no, one word to her in the past year or so.

"I was wondering if you could help me with my astronomy homework, and Lily said you were really great at it, so if you could please…?" she trailed off hopefully, sliding into the seat next to him with one fluid movement. Lily had to hand it to her, the girl was good.

Seeing Peyton up close, Sirius willingly scooted closer, leaning over her star-chart with her. Lily winked at Remus, and he winked back, pulling a packet of fine green powder out of his pocket. Sprinkling it evenly over Sirius's warm pancakes, he watched it dissolve into the syrup and be absorbed by the warm bread. Peyton glanced at him and he coughed once. She smiled and stood up.

"Thanks for all your help Sirius," she said flirtatiously, grinning coyly and sauntering back to her seat by Lily with practiced grace. Lily gave her a high-five and a huge grin as she sat down.

"That was brilliant!"

"Thanks," said Peyton. "God he's hot…" she sighed, looking at Sirius. Lily rolled her eyes and went back to her toast.

Sirius almost muttered 'God she's hot,' but something stopped him. For some reason an image of Carolina's face popped into his mind. Confused, he turned back to his plate. Remus gave him a look Sirius couldn't interpret, but then crossed his eyes and stuck out his tongue. Sticking his tongue out at him in return, Sirius dived into his breakfast. In their next class, Potions (joy), James sat next to Sirius.

"Why'd you do that?" he whispered furiously.

"Do what?" Sirius whispered back, thinly slicing his tarantula legs.

"You know what."

"Oh, with your luver-girl?" he simpered.

"She's not my lover-girl!" James responded, a little too loudly. Lily glanced over at him and smirked. James could tell by the twitch at the corners of her mouth that she knew exactly who he was talking about.

"Well, I did it cause she's a total babe and deserves better that you," said Sirius. As soon as he said it he looked horrified and clapped his hands over his mouth. James turned to face him slowly, his eyes turning black with pure malevolence.

"What…did…you…say?" he questioned threateningly.

"I didn't mean it," squeaked Sirius. "I was going to say, 'I was just kidding', but I opened my mouth and that's what came out! I didn't mean it!"

"Like hell you didn't," James growled, throwing his spider legs into the cauldron and starting to peel his Ptrangla fruit. Sirius was completely bewildered. Without thinking, he added his caterpillar antennae into the potion before the Phoenix tear, and it exploded. The noise rocked the room, filling it with smoke, and charring Sirius and James's faces, not to mention the walls, and reduced the worktable to cinders. Remus's hair had been covered in a fine ash, aging him about fifty years, while Lily had gotten a caterpillar corps wedged into her ear. Malfoy had had his eyebrows singed off, and Snape…well…the grease in his hair had just absorbed the shock, not to mention debris, so he remained as normal. Centia was furious.

"Idiot boy! Couldn't manage the order of the ingredients, could you? Are you to smart to read the instructions, Black? Too high-minded to follow what we mere mortals know as instructions? I THINK NOT!" he was spitting with rage. Even Sirius took a step back in shock.

"Professor?" piped Lily.

"What is it now you mud…what is it now, Evans?" Lily's face turned puce with pent up anger at his unfinished word, but kept her voice under control.

"I was just wondering if I may visit the Hospital Wing as I have a small caterpillar stuck in my ear."

"Fine, girl. Just get out of my sight. ALL of you!" Sirius tried to make a getaway with the rest of the students shoving through the door, desperate to escape their teacher, but he failed. Centia grabbed the back of his robes and dragged him back into the room.

"Except you, Black. We must have a discussion arranging detentions." Sirius paled, though it was hardly noticeable under the soot on his face. "Now, I have some toads that need disemboweling, rat spawn that needs pickling, and goat spit that needs sterilizing and bottling. Think you can handle that?"

"If I can handle living in the same hemisphere as your ugly mug, I can handle just about anything." Centia's eyes flashed.

"What was that you just said, Black?" Sirius backed slowly away, terror in his eyes.

"I din' say anything professor…" Centia glared at him.

"I'm sure you didn't. Now, that'll be thirty points from Gryffindor for blatant rudeness. Now leave before I take more as you know it pains me so much to see your House loose points…" Sirius fled. James was waiting outside the door.

"Why'd you say that about Jessie and to Centia. Are you just asking for trouble or what?" They walked down to Greenhouse Two where the class had begun plating Lady Slipper bulbs. But these weren't the Muggle kind of flower bulbs, they were magical. The bulbs had feet and loved to dance along the tables, just pirouetting out of the grasping hands of students. Professor Metus could be seen skipping among the rows, always hovering near a small Hufflepuff girl with sleek mouse-brown hair.

"I don't know why I said it," grunted Sirius, diving along the length of the table, trying to catch hold of his bulb and missing spectacularly. On the other side of the room, Lily was teaching hers, Remus's, and Taryn's to do a line dance, while Peter's was doing a polka on his head. "I just open my mouth and words come out. I don't mean to say them. I wasn't even thinking of saying them. It's like my mouth chooses the absolute worst thing to say at that moment, and just lets loose."

"Hhhhmmm," James said while holding his bulb in the pot with one hand and shoveling dirt on top with the other. "I think I've heard of something like that before…you have to use a crushed bezoar, though, and we can't take those out of Potions…oooooooohh."

"Oooooooohh what?" wheezed Sirius, slamming a pot down around his dancing bulb, caging it in.

"Nothing," James lied, glancing over his shoulder at Lily.

"Sure," panted Sirius. "Whatever you say." At the end of the class James asked Lily to wait while he stored his equipment.

"Sure," she said. "No, Taryn, don't wait for me, I'll see you at lunch." James stowed his stuff, and he and Lily started for the castle.

"So, what's up?" she inquired.

"Why'd you put the bezoar dust in Sirius's food?" Lily quickly hid her surprise.

"Well, I didn't do it…"

"Okay, why'd you get someone else to put bezoar dust in Sirius's food?" Lily grinned guiltily.

"Because I was getting revenge." James gave her a questioning look.

"You know when you were in the Hospital Wing and he was torturing me and I threatened to get revenge? Well, this is it." James nodded. He had to admire Lily's planning and conniving ways, but still.

"How long til it wears off?" he asked yanking open the door. Lily walked in, smiling like the crocodile after it ate Captain Hook.

"Oh, judging the amount Remus slipped into his pancakes…two or three days, give or take…" With that she waltzed into the Great Hall, and feeling no great desire to go listen to Sirius complain and James moon over Jessie, she found English and sat down with her.

"'lo," English said. "Lily, I don't think you've met my friend Ginny?"

"Hallo there. I'm Ginny Winthrup." A tall blonde girl held her hand out to Lily from across the table.

"Lily Evans, pleased to meet you," Lily said, taking careful note of the shining badge on her chest. English saw where she was looking.

"Yes, Ginny's a prefect too. Don't worry, we can't turn you in if you haven't done anything. You haven't…have you?"

"Well…for the sake of our friendship, no. Of course not." English chuckled and Ginny gave a little bubbly laugh. Suddenly English stopped laughing.

"Hey Lils, aren't those two Gryffindors over there your friends?" Lily whirled around sharply to see Sirius stuffing pudding down Peter's robes and Peter pouring soup on Sirius's head.

"Uh-oh," she muttered, fingering her wand tentatively. Smiling innocently into the prefects faces, she stood up from the table. "I'm afraid I'll have to be leaving now. A-erm…situation has arisen that I simply must attend to." She walked briskly to the Gryffindor table, just hearing English's cry of 'Lily, what did you do?'

Stepping quickly between her two friends, Lily shoved them away from each other Remus and James quickly grabbed each by the back of the robes to keep them from attacking one another again. James gave Lily a meaningful look, and she rolled her eyes, sighing.

"Siri, what the hell did you just do?" she asked calmly, gazing directly into Sirius's midnight black eyes.

"I just opened my mouth, and insulted him. I didn't bloody mean to, it just came out, all right?" he was glaring furiously at Peter, who returned his menacing stare, but with a little tremor of fear shivering down his spine.

"All right," Lily said, turning to Peter, "what did he say to you?"

"He said I was a fat worthless busybody who was as close to a squib as you can get without actually being one." Lily gasped.

"You didn't." Sirius pursed his lips as though swallowing something sour.

"I said I didn't mean it Peter! I don't know why I said it but it's not true!"

"Yeah? You expect me to believe that?" James nudged Lily and nodded towards Sirius, eyes pleading. She moaned.

"Peter, he didn't mean to and I can prove it." Remus gave her a warning look. She had better tread carefully; this wasn't going to be pretty.

"Oh yeah? How?" he snarled angrily, jerking free of Remus' grasp.

"Yeah? How?" Sirius echoed, confused.

"There was bezoar dust in your pancakes this morning."

"WHAT?" Sirius and Peter gasped simultaneously. "But…how do you..?" Sirius spluttered on. Suddenly, his eyes widened quickly and then narrowed into slits of angry black. Wrenching out of James arms, he walked toward her.

"You…little…" Lily was backing away more and more rapidly, but her short legs were no match for Sirius' muscles. He dove at her and caught her heels, tripping her to the floor. Grinning as innocently as possible Lily sidled away from him. They were drawing quite a crowd. The Slytherins looked on, amused, obstructing the teachers' paths to the quarreling students. Sirius caught Lily's wrist and got her in a head lock. She whimpered, and then…

Sirius gave her the biggest noogie of her life, frizzing up Lily's hair so badly that she looked like a large red poodle had taken up residence on her head. The Slytherins groaned (they had wanted to see a fight), and James and Remus collapsed against each other, very relieved. No one seemed to notice that Peter squelched (he had pudding in his shoes) angrily from the room in a huff.

Grinning like a cat, Lily pulled her hair back into a fluffy pony tail as the teachers made their grateful way back to their chairs. Sirius chuckled a bit and then helped Lily to her feet. Misjudging his own strength, he neatly tripped her over his own foot and sent her flying into James's unsuspecting arms.

*yeah, I wish

A/N Hallo all. Very pleased to hear from you again. Can't wait to get 100 reviews! How about this- the 100th reviewer will get a special cameo in the next chapter of my story! Doesn't that sound thrilling (for the sake of my sanity, here is where you nod and smile)? Glad to hear it. Now, on to the races-or not…I could just reply to y'alls reviews.  Snowflake- I'm sorry about your teacher. Mine is the absolute worst. Our class secretly thinks she works for the Mafia or something because she always gets these weird phone calls in the middle of class…I wish we could bust her for something *sigh*. Oh well…yeah, I love Siri too, he's my favorite! BlueEyedWildmage- like the name! I'm glad you really liked my story (I love making people laugh, though most of the time it's inintentional…).  blue-eyed-freak- I'm really glad you like it so much, though I think going so far as to call me God is going just a tad overboard. Not that I don't LOVE being called God or anything…oh well. The Lily/James romance is coming, just gimme a while. At the moment I'm formulating a different romance (completely different people). If you can guess who, I'll give ya free butterbeer! And who the hell is Coraline? starborn- Glad you liked lithping Thiriuth. Heth my favorite! Fluffy the Teddy Bear Slayer- Well, as much as I am enjoying our conversation in morse code or whatever, I would really appreciate editorial comment, chatter…in fact I don't care, just write in words. You know like a,b,c,d,e,f and all that crap? Jewels- Where does Lily win? I tried very hard to not really have a winner.

Okay y'all, when I posted this I had 87 reviews. The 100th reviewer can either get my undying devotion or a cameo sorta thing in an upcoming chapter of my story, your choice. PLEASE REVIEW Y'ALL!