CHAPTER 24 Soul Searching

Paloma walked in the hospital waiting room holding little Ethan in her arms. They were all asleep, except for Fox who was leaning against the wall with his eyes half closed. He was staring at the floor in deep thought.

"Fox?"

He looked up and forced a smile on his face.

"I see that my father kept his word."

"Yes, he was very generous. He let me take little Ethan and he even flew us in on the Crane private plane."

He took little Ethan's hand in his.

"I'm really sorry, Paloma."

She put her hand on his arm.

"Hey, don't. You were Teresa's rock. You guided her through so much. You were a true friend to her."

"I wasn't able to protect her."

"You can protect the people who want to be protected."

She gave him a little smile.

"I should take the little one to the cafeteria and give him something to eat."

She looked at his strained face.

"Come with me. You could use some coffee."

"No, I don't want to. What if the doctor comes in and doesn't find me?"

"Then he'll talk to Ethan and the others."

"But I told him that Teresa and I were engaged."

"Fox!"

Her mouth opened as though she was about to say something, but decided otherwise. Fox went to Gwen and woke her.

"Are there any news?"

"No, nothing yet. I'm going down to the cafeteria with Paloma and little Ethan. Get me if the doctor shows up with news."

"Yes, of course."

She eyed Paloma and the baby in her arms as the trio walked out of the waiting area.

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Fox pulled a chair for Paloma and sat across from her. He took his coffee cup to his mouth. He looked at her as she started feeding their nephew. He had a little smile.

"Can I feed him?"

"Do you want to?"

She got up from her chair as he nodded his head and placed the child on his lap. He took the spoon in his hand then fed him. Paloma looked at him when he stopped and the baby started fussing.

"What's wrong, Fox?"

"Nothing, it's just that Teresa is always listening to this song."

Paloma listened to the melancholic voice and stared at Fox again as he started feeding his nephew again.

I've been crushed like paper,
I've been washed like rain,
I've been scared of sleeping,
In case I wake up the same,

I've been broken and battered,
I've been lost in my home,
I've been cryin' a river,
I've been cold as stone,

Paloma looked at Fox's demeanor as he was playing with little Ethan who was just giggling.

"You love this child, don't you?"

"Of course, he is Teresa's son. He has the best of the world in him."

But falling into you,
It carries me away far enough away,
And everything you do,
It brightens up my brighter side of day,
I just hope that the wind,
doesn't blow you away,

"How do you feel about my sister, Fox?"

"Why do you ask?"

"I don't know, maybe I feel that there is something more than you're telling me."

"I've never been in love, Paloma. I don't think I even know how it feels."

"Are you sure?"

"I thought I was in love with someone, but it turns out that it was nothing but an infatuation."

"How do you figure?"

He looked at her trying to make her understand without having to actually say it. She didn't seem to understand.

"I kissed her and I didn't feel anything at all. It was like kissing any other woman. I slept with her."

"You did what?"

"I had a fight with Teresa one night and I went to that woman and I had sex with her. Except that it felt wrong. I wanted more than that, but it turned out to be just sex."

"And did you feel disappointed?"

"At the time, yes. But now I know that she wasn't for me at all."

"So it didn't feel right. But you know, love comes in different forms. Everyone experience it differently. Some more intensely than others. Only you know how it feels for you."

I've been left unattended,
I've been thrown like a ball,
I've been rolled with the punches,
And I didn't feel a thing at all,

I've been crossed by the wires,
I've been blinded by the light,
I've been burnt by the fire,
I've been kept out of sight,

"Maybe I'm just dead inside."

"No, you're not. Someone who cares as much as you do about things isn't dead inside. If anything, you have more heart than a lot of people."

"I'm scared she might die."

"Me too."

They fell silent as Fox's mind drifted towards Teresa.

"I was really jealous when she went out with Dylan."

"I know, I could hear it in your voice when you spoke about it."

"I mean, I should never have felt this way."

Paloma took a sip of her coffee. This was the time or never.

"Fox, did you ever stop to think that maybe your feelings for Teresa run deeper than the friendship you have for her?"

He didn't say anything, lost in his thoughts.

"No one should tell you how you should feel, Fox. But I think that you should think about it. I know that Teresa adores you."

"She adores me, she doesn't love me."

"I wouldn't be so sure of that, Fox."

"She didn't make a declaration of love or anything like that. Why didn't she say anything about it to me if she felt that way?"

"Because she knows about you and Whitney. Why do you think she detached herself the past few weeks?"

"How did she know?"

"She just put 2 and 2 together."

Once again, he remained silent and thought of all the times he sat thinking about a way to snag Whitney away from Chad. Everytime, thoughts of Teresa would overcome everything else. He thought of the night she got drunk and how he held her as she slept. He recalled how his heart beat each time she was in his arms, how she felt and smelled, the softens of her hair or of her lips on his cheek. The way she would sit on his lap and put her head on his shoulder when she wanted to feel safe.

It had always been like that, ever since he was in Harmony. He remembered a special memory he had, of them eating fruit salad in the solarium in the Crane mansion and how he felt then. He had buried that memory so well. What he felt that night was unmatchable to anything he ever felt in his life. The feeling of completion, of been one with someone spiritually. It had overwhelmed him.

He was brought back to earth when Paloma spoke to him.

"What are you thinking about?"

"Nothing."

"I'll go back to the waiting room, want to go with me?"

"No, I'll stay here a while longer."

She got up and came to take the baby from him.

"No, I'll keep him with me."

"Alright, then. Fox, one last thing....think about what I said if you feel there is slight chance that you might be in love with her, you have to let her know. Don't hide it from her and most importantly don't cheat yourself out of been with her. Do you remember that day we were sitting at the wharf, after she left Harmony?"

"Yes, I do."

"You are her soul mate. I've know this since the baby shower when I saw you two together. You guys just fit. I think that she buried her feelings for you as deep as she could so that she wouldn't get hurt again. Seize your chance with her. I'm a hundred percent behind you. I don't know two people who deserved to be happy more than the two of you do. Don't let her slip away from you."

She left and he listened to last verse of the song.

But falling into you,
It carried me far enough away,
And everything you do,
It brightens up my brighter side of day,
I just hope that the wind,
Doesn't blow you away.

He looked down at little Ethan who was sucking on his thumb and felt his heart give a jolt.

"I hope the wind doesn't blow her away."

He sat there for a while, thinking that maybe this time, he felt love for a woman. Maybe he knew what it felt like to be in love after all. Maybe he felt what it was like to be in love with Teresa. He prayed that he would get to know.

"She has to pull through."

He stared at little Ethan.

"But then, the second she'll know that Ethan is your father, she'll want him back. It doesn't matter how much she cares for me, Ethan will always be the first one in her heart and the only one."

Paloma was right. If there was the remote chance that he could be happy with Teresa, then there was no way in hell he would let Ethan claim her. If there was the slightest chance of him been with Teresa, then he would fight for her.

He got up and went back to the waiting room with little Ethan sleeping in his arms.

(Credit: Falling Into You by Kasey Chambers)