A/N: WARNING!!! This is just an interlude type thingy that lends nothing to any sort of plot. *All* characters are very much OOC, except maybe Vile, and Draco, now that he has been Vile-ated. I did this on purpose! Rampant cursing and nastiness up ahead! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!! All insults were generated at the What You Are website. The address in my profile, under the Naked Man in a Trench Coat section. This site is worth your time! It amused Caytin and I for hours! KENNY CHESNEY IS ON TV!!!! That man is sooooooooooooooo hot… The theme song is "All in the Family," by Fred Durst and Jon Davis. ^_^
Disclaimer: Recognize it? Damn… because that means it belongs to JKR. Don't recognize it? SCORE! That means it belongs to MOI, and if you wish to use it, or archive the story, be a dearie and ask me first!
All in the Family, by Fred Durst and Jon Davis
Fred: What's up with this fucking 'Ball Tongue' shit?
Jon: All I needed was a Pepsi...
Fred: You better shut the fuck up, punk.
Jon: Whatever nigga...
Fred: Say what, say what?
Jon: My dick is bigger than yours...
Fred: Say what, say what?
Jon: My band is bigger than yours...
Fred: Too bad I got your beans in my bag
Stuck-up sucka', Korny motherfucka'
Takin' over flows is the Limp pimp
Need a Bizkit to save this crew from Jon Davis
I'm gonna drop a little east side skill
Ya best step back 'cuz I'm 'a kill, I'm 'a kill
So whatcha thinking Mr. Raggedy Man?
Doin' all you can to look like Raggedy Ann.
Jon: I'll Check you out punk, yes I know you feel it
You look like one of those dancers from the Hanson video, you little faggot ho
Please give me some shit to work with, 'cuz right now I'm all it kid
Suck my dick kid, like your daddy did
Fred: Who the fuck you think you're talking to??
Jon: Me.
Fred: I'm known for eatin' little whiny chumps like you.
Jon: Whatever.
Fred: All up in my face with that...
Jon: Are you ready?!?
Fred: But halitosis, is all you're rockin' steady
You little fairy, smelling all your flowers
Nappy hairy chest, look it's Austin Powers!
Jon: Yeah, baby!
Fred: I hear ya tweetin' on them fag-pipes clod
But you said it best,
There's No Place To Hide
Jon: What the fuck ya' sayin'?
You're a pimp whateva', limp dick
Fred Durst needs to rehearse, needs to reverse what he's saying
Wannabe funk joke is what you're playin'
Rippin' up a bad counterfeit, fakin'!
Plus your bills I'm paying, you can't eat that shit every day, Fred
Fred: Say what, say what? You better watch your fuckin' mouth, Jon.
Jon: So you hate me?
Fred: and I hate you!
Jon: You know what, you know what?
Both: It's all in the family.
Jon: I hate you!
Fred: and you hate me!
Jon: You know what, you know what?
Both: It's all in the family.
Jon: Look at you fool, I'm gonna fuck you up twice
Throwin' rhymes at me like, oh shit, Vanilla Ice
Ya better run, run while ya can
You'll never fuck me up, Bisc Limpkit
At least I got a phat, original band
Fred: Who's hot, who's not?
Jon: You.
Fred: You best step back, Korn on the cob, you need a new job
Time to take them mic skills back to the dentist, and buy yourself a new grill
Jon: Fuck you.
Fred: You pumpkin pie, I'll jack-off in your eye
Climbing chutes and ladders, while your ego shatters
But you just can't get away
Jon: Get a gay?
Fred: 'Cuz it's doomsday kid, it's doomsday.
Fred: You call yourself a singer?
Jon: Yep.
Fred: You're more like Jerry Springer.
Jon: Oh cool!
Fred: Your favorite band is Winger,
Jon: Winger?
Fred: and all you eat is Zingers.
You're like a Fruity Pebble,
Your favorite flag is rebel.
Jon: Yeeeeeehaaaaaa!!
Fred: It's just too bad that you're a fag, and on a lower level.
Jon: So you're from Jacksonville, kickin' it like Buffalo Bill
Gettin' butt-fucked by your uncle Chuck
While your sister's on her knees waitin' for your fuckin' nut
Fred: Wait, where'd ya get that little dance?
Jon: Over here.
Fred: Like them idiots in Waco, you're burning up in Bako
Where your father had your mother, your mother had your brother,
It's just too bad your father's mad, your mother's now your lover
Jon: Come on hillbilly, can your horse do a fuckin' wheelie?
You love it down south, and boy, you sure do got a purdy mouth
Jon: And I love you!Chapter 5: Insult Day
Fred: And I want you!
Jon: And I'll suck you!
Fred: And I'll fuck you!
Jon: And I'll butt-fuck you!
Fred: And I'll eat you!
Jon: And I'll lick your little dick, motherfucka'.
Fred: Say whaaaaa… ttt?
"Man… this is going to be *so* wicked…"
The Imps were gathered in the room behind Wallace the Wimpy, their official meeting place, getting ready to perform the spell.
"Okay, this is gonna work on us too! There was much rejoicing! Yay!!! Now we gather around in a circle with our wands pointed in all directions," explained Vile.
"Eris,
weave your work,
Point out
everyone's quirks,
Turn this day
upside down,
And leave everyone
with an Insult Crown!"
"Okay, let's go."
The Imps walked into the Great Hall, just in time to hear McGonagall shouting, "You are a testicular salad buffet who loves to bake vibrators!" at Snape.
The Imps giggled and a random Slytherin joined in the festivities, by yelling that Hermione was a "shrunken disco queen who loves to taste cunts!"
Hermione was quite taken aback, but was unable to prevent herself from shouting, "You are a malignant titan who loves to megaFUCK dragons!" at Hagrid.
Before long, Hagrid was roaring, "Yer a gigantic midget 'oo luvs ter climb crotches! Struth!" at Flitwick
Crabbe looked around nervously, before standing atop the Slytherin table and yelling, "You are a foxy titan who loves to corner blow up dolls! You need to stop…" at Goyle.
Draco grinned maliciously and turned to Ron, the words forming on his tongue.
"You are a sexy porn star who loves to squeeze balls!"
Ron crossed his arms and shot back, "Oh yeah? Well, you're a shrunken porn star who loves to sluuurp lions!"
Draco smiled and said, "Yeah, that would be correct…"
The Imps never got to sit down however, for the bell signaling the end of breakfast soon rang.
"Damn. What's our first class?" asked Vile.
"Potions."
"Sweet…"
The Imps, minus Ginny, raced to Potions, beating everyone else.
"Hey Blaise!" said Hermione.
"Yeah?"
"You know… you're a horny studmagnet who loves to dejuice balls."
"Wow… thanks 'Mione!"
Hermione giggled as the rest of the class and their professor trickled in.
"Hey, Uncle Sevvie!"
"Yes, Vile?"
"Did you know that you're a cock-heavy vixen who loves to reward werewolves?"
"Whaaaaaa… how did you knooooow?"
Vile just smirked and Severus went on.
"Well, since I'm in a very strange, but good mood today, we're going to start making love potions. They will take two weeks to brew."
"Uncle Sevvie?"
Severus sighed and said, "Yes, Vile?"
"You got laid last night, didn't you?"
"I hardly see how that's any of your business, or relevant to this class. I merely enjoy seeing the rampant chaos. Ingenious idea, my dear niece. Only you could have thought of it."
Vile answered, "I *knew* Professor Lupin looked particularly giddy this morning…"
A look of sheer amusement came over Severus' features as he said, "Twasn't Lupin."
"Well then, who else is a werewolf at this school, besides myself and Professor Lupin?" asked Vile.
The whole class suddenly began giggling as Blaise and Draco burst into song.
"Who's the wolfie that shagged Professor Snape?" sang out Draco. "Was it you?"
"Not me!" answered Blaise.
Blaise and Draco then joined together to sing, "Then who?!?"
"I'm not teeelliing!!" screamed Severus. "Now, open your books to page sixty-nine… sixty-nine, hehe… and begin brewing you potions. Oh wait! I have to divide you into pairs! When the potions are ready, you will be testing them on each other! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!"
The students were shaking in their boots as the Potions Master began walking around the room, assigning partners.
"Malfoy, Draco and Weasley! Zabini and… LONGBOTTOM! Potter and Malfoy, Vile! Granger and Goyle! Bulstrode and Finnegan! Crabbe and Thomas! Patil and Parkinson!"
Severus continued on, laughing evilly to himself at each pair.
"Luckily for all of you, this luuurrv potion will only last for three days. During that time, you will crave your partner like a pregnant woman craves pickles and ice cream. ENJOY!"
Many of the students took on a green tinge as they began piling in the ingredients.
"Okay, um add a teaspoon of chocolate, a stalk of asparagus, two jasmine petals… Damn, with all these aphrodisiacs, it should be called horny juice, not a love potion," said Draco.
"Ugh… I bet you asked Snape beforehand to pair us together!" said Ron, trying his best to look disgusted.
"No, sorry, I didn't. I am happy about the way it ended up, though," answered Draco.
"Ack! You're such a macrophilic fruitcake who loves to poke penises!" yelled Ron.
"Why thank you, Ron. Can I poke yours?"
"NO!"
"Come on… It would be fun…"
Meanwhile…
Harry's eye was twitching. He could hear Professor Snape muttering to himself, saying, "Sirius Black… nothing but an underhung dogboy who loves to infiltrate bitches…"
"Harry? Are you okay? Wait! I already added the crushed up Wizard's Viagra! Do you want to be super-randy or something??" scolded Vile.
"Oh, sorry… I was just off in my own little world," answered Harry.
"Well, snap out of it. Gods, I hope Johnny doesn't find out about this… not that we Malfoys particularly believe in monogamy…"
"Who's Johnny?" asked Harry.
"Oh… my boyfriend back in the States. We decided to stay together even though there is now a large body of water separating us, but I don't think it's quite working…" replied Vile, with a sigh.
"Well then, why don't you break up with him?"
"Because his father is the lead singer of Korn," Vile answered.
This made perfect sense, of course, and the day wore on.
At lunch, Professor Dumbledore got called "a masturbating ringtail-fucker who loves to laugh at crotches" by Professor Binns.
Albus merely laughed, and went on to tell the entire hall that they were "testicular vixens that love to megaFUCK werewolves."
Cheering ensued as Vile saw fit to tell Draco that he was "a biased dragon who loves to eat monster cocks," and Ginny told Harry that he was "a boob-sucking dragon who loves to mount calzones."
Dobby then swept into the hall for no apparent reason and Harry yelled out that he was "a lecherous midget who loves to empty balls."
Dobby blushed and bowed as he said, "Thank you, Harry Potter, sir! Thank you!" before rushing back to the kitchen to tell the other house elves that THE Harry Potter, his dream boy, had given him the greatest compliment of all time.
By the end of lunch, Terry Boot of Ravenclaw was "a cock-heavy sexybitch who loves to devour vibrators," Neville was "a malignant raverfag who loves to discover penises," and Blaise was "a cock-heavy goddess who loves to slap trouser snakes."
Classes ended with Defense Against the Dark Arts and Professor Lupin being called "a very large dragon who loves to nibble hot bitches."
At dinnertime, everyone rushed into the hall to see McGonagall telling Trelawney that she was "a diseased penis-pumper who loves to taste ringtails."
Insanity and chaos invaded further as Colin Creevey told his lover, Ernie MacMillan of Hufflepuff, that he was "a microphilic Nintendo 64 who loves to buy giant tits."
Ernie tried to deny that he liked any part of the female anatomy, while some laughed hysterically, and still others tried to figure out what exactly a "Nintendo 64" was.
Severus voiced his farewell by yelling to Filch that he was "a testicular fruitcake who loves to sniff dildos."
Insult Day was to end soon, so the entire Great Hall turned to Harry and let him know that he was "a cock-heavy virgin who loves to make vibrators."
"What?" he whined. "I make the vibrators to sell at Weasley Wizard Wheezes… and about the 'virgin' part… um, would you believe me if I said I'm not?"
"HELL NO!"
A/N: *gasp* Who is Sevvie's lover, the third werewolf at Hogwarts? Will he be nice now that he has a sex life? What will happen when the luuuuurrrrrv potions, aka horny juice are tested? What will The Imps do next? Stay tuned to find out! If you would like to be added to the updates list, then let me know. Okie dokie on the okefanokie, pokie wokie, it's LOLLIPOP TIME!!!
AvalonFairyWitch: I agree with you on all points! LOL, thanks for reading and reviewing, and adding me to your favorites. YOU ARE AWESOME! *huggles*
SycoCallie: Good idea! We can brainwash all of them! BWAHAHAHAHAHA! Thanks, and yes you may have your own little fox demon. They are soooo fine. Do you watch Yu Yu Hakusho? Karuma is a fox demon… *drool*
Angelxd14: Princess Anna! Thanks. ^_^ I went insane in this chapter, hope you like it.
