A/N:  Sorry it's been so long.  Real life got a hold of me, I got a sinus infection, and my wisdom teeth are killing me!  (When I'm sick and in pain, so are my Muses.)  Theme song is "Witchy Woman," by the Eagles.  I changed one word. 

Disclaimer:  No Sex in the Potions Room belongs to Aspen (allsingingcrap@hotmail.com).  The website address is in my Bio.  Anything you recognize belongs to JKR.  Anything you don't recognize belongs to me.  (Except NsitPR.)

Witchy Woman, by the Eagles Platinum hair and ruby lips
Sparks fly from her fingertips
Echoed voices in the night
She's a restless spirit on an endless flight
Wooo hooo witchy woman, see how high she flies
Woo hoo witchy woman she got  the moon in her eye
She held me spellbound in the night
Dancing shadows and firelight
Crazy laughter in another room
And she drove herself to madness with a silver spoon
Woo hoo witchy woman, see how high she flies
Woo hoo witchy woman, she got the moon in her eye
Well I know you want a lover
Let me tell your brother
She's been sleeping in the Devil's bed
And there's some rumors going 'round
Someone's underground
She can rock you in the nighttime
'Til your skin turns red
Woo hoo witchy woman, see how high she flies
Woo hoo witchy woman, she got the moon in her eye Chapter 7:  More Vile-ations

            "Okay, I need Beaters over there with Blaise and Leo, Chasers with Nimue, Anthony, and Breggon, and Keepers with Miranda."

            Draco, the Slytherin Quidditch captain, was heading up the trials for Slytherin, assisted by Professor Snape.

            Vile was trying out, though she had no plans whatsoever to play Quidditch.  She was bound and determined to bring Squeedlyspooch (American street Quidditch) to Hogwarts.  She marched over to the Chasers area, Stardust Menace in hand, with a very Slytherin grin on her face.

            "Okay," said Nimue, when all the hopeful Chasers were gathered.  "My name is Nimue Maligant, this is Anthony Locke, and that is Breggon Nox.  Anthony and I both graduated last year, and are back to assist with the trials, to ensure a Slytherin victory this year.  Breggon is the remaining Chaser.  Now, how many of you have heard of the Muggle game, HORSE?"

            A few tentatively raised their hands.

            "Well, albeit we Slytherins do not take kindly to Muggle ideas, we will be somewhat playing a game of HORSE on our broomsticks.  You will each line up and take turns shooting the Quaffle into the goal at different angles.  If you are at a good position for rebound, then do so.  Each time you miss, you gain a letter.  If you get all five letters, then you are out of the game, and automatically not on the team.  To make the team, you must not get further than O."

            Nimue paused to catch her breath before continuing.

            "Now, line up and shoot."

            Vile stood behind a dark-haired fifth year girl, bored out of her mind.  Juliet Monroe gained an H, as did Mikhail Laramie.  When Vile's turn came, she flew expertly to the first position and shot the Quaffle towards the hoop.  It, of course, sailed right through.

            The game continued until only Angelus Camden, Vile, and Phoebe Pelennor were left.  Phoebe was down to an O, while Vile and Angelus had yet to gain any letters.

            They backed away to what would be the three-point line on a basketball court and took their shots. 

            Phoebe missed and cursed profusely.  Angelus missed as well, but, as it was only an H, he was safe.  Again, Vile's shot was perfect.

            Nimue halted the game, as Phoebe was out of the running, and two were left with less than an O, enough to make the team.

            They flew to the ground where the other Chaser wannabes were waiting with Nimue, Breggon, and Anthony.

            "Welcome to the team, Camden, Malfoy.  You are both very talented, especially you, Vile.  Go see the Captain."

            Vile sauntered over to her cousin, trademark smirk in place, flanked by the sandy-haired fifth year. 

            "Hey Vile, knew you'd make the team."

            Draco then turned to Vile's companion and asked, "Camden, isn't it?"

            Angelus nodded and Draco continued.

            "Practices are three to five Tuesdays, Thursdays, and on weekends.  Be there, even if you're on your deathbed.  No excuses."

            By that time, the rest of the team members were gathered.  It seemed that all of the previous year's former players had come to help.

            The team was strong, and would win the Quidditch Cup easily… that is, if they were playing Quidditch.  Vile made a mental not to speak with the Headmaster about Squeedlyspooch and other such important matters.

            Later that evening, the Imps were gathered behind the portrait of Wallace the Wimpy.

            "Okay, I have a wicked idea," said Hermione, grinning.

            "Well, spill," replied Harry, excitedly.

            "Okay, well ere was this *really* popular, funny song a few years back, titled 'No Sex in the Champagne Room' by an American Muggle comedian.  Anyway, I changed it up a bit to 'No Sex in the Potions Room.'  Now, it does say something about Snuffles, but as his name hasn't been cleared yet…"

            Harry nodded understandingly and Hermione went on.

            "Well, there is a potion that we can put together, and if we sing this song as we are brewing it, the person who consumes it will sing it without being able to stop themselves.  I say we give it to McGonagall, as she and Snape are rivals, and she is the least likely person to sing this song."

            Vile giggled and grabbed the parchment from Hermione that had the revised lyrics written on it.

            "Oh, this is so squared away!  How long will the potion take to brew?"

            "Well, if we start now, it should be ready in time for dinner tomorrow night.  Harry, you'll need to slip into the kitchens in your cloak to sneak the potion into McGonagall's goblet," Hermione said, pulling a shrunken cauldron packed with shrunken ingredients from her robes.

            She waved her wand and restored it to its original size.  Everyone began to sing the song as she commenced brewing.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

THE NEXT EVENING AT DINNER…

            "Harry, did you do it?"

            Harry nodded and motioned towards the staff table.  Professor McGonagall had lifted her pumpkin juice to her lips and was taking a long drink.

            Several seconds passed as the Imps anxiously awaited results, before the Transfigurations Professor stood atop the table, clearing her throat.

            The students and other Professors looked on in surprise, as she began to speak, her voice enhanced by a Sonorus charm.

            "Ladies and gentlemen of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, I have just one piece of advice for you:  No matter what Professor Snape tells you, there is NO SEX in the Potions room.  NONE!"

            The occupants of the Great Hall burst into gales of laughter at this revelation from the strict Head of Gryffindor house.  McGonagall strolled to the other end of the table, continuing her announcement.

            "Oh, there's POTIONS in the Potions room.

            But you don't want Potions.

            You want SEX!

            And there's NO SEX in the Potions room!

            Don't go to Knockturn Alley without a Dark Mark.

            Sure, you may feel safe inside,

            But what about all those Death Eaters waitin' outside with Dark Marks?

            They know you ain't got one!

            If a witch tells you she's twenty, and looks sixteen—she's twelve.

            If she tells you she's twenty-six, and looks twenty-six—she's damn near one-hundred-twenty!

            Take off that silly ass hat!

            You-Know-Who couldn't have possibly committed all those crimes…

            Sirius Black did SOME of dat shit!

            Young Slytherins, if you go to the Leaky Cauldron,

            And someone steps on your Gladrags,

            LET IT SLIIIIDE…

            Why spend the next twenty years in Azkaban,

            'Cos someone smudged your DRESS ROBE?

            BUTTERBEER…

            Ain't nuttin' wrong wit' that!"

            No matter what you think of what I'm sayin'

            Remember this one thing…

            There is NO SEX in the Potions room.

            Ohh… no sex in the Potions room…

            Ohh… no sex in the Potions room…

            Ohh… no sex in the Potions room…

            Ohh… no sex in the Potions room…

            Ohh… no sex in the Potions room…

            Ohh… no sex in the Potions room…

            There's absolutely, positively,

            NO SEX in the Potions room…

            If a Lockhart has a funny story,

            He hasn't had his memory back that long.

            A REAL Defense Against the Dark Arts Professor is too JADED to be funny.

            If a witch send you a valentine,

            She'll probably suck your DICK!

            If a wizard sends you a valentine,

            He'll probably suck your DICK!

            Here's a PREDICTION for everyone:

            Hufflepuff—YOU'RE GONNA DIE!

            Ravenclaw—YOU'RE GONNA DIE!

            Hufflepuff—YOU'RE GONNA DIE TWICE!

            Gryffindor—YOU'RE GONNA DIE!

            Slytherin—YOU'RE GONNA DIE FUCKIN'!

            No one goes to The Three Broomsticks for butterbeer…

            If you've been dating a Slytherin for four months,

            And you haven't met any Death Eaters…

            You are NOT his girlfriend!

            Some of the things I said may not apply to you.

            Some of the things I said may offend you.

            But no matter who you are,

            You MUST REMEMBER this ONE thing:

            No matter what Professor Snape says…

            There is NO SEX in the Potions room!

            NONE!

            No sex in the Potions room…

            I said, no sex in the Potions room…

            No, no sex in the Potions room…

            No sex in the Potions room…

            Ain't gettin' none, can't have none… noo…

            In the Potions room… ahh ahh…

            There's absolutely, positively no sex in the Potions room.

            Say noo… noo… say noooo… there ain't no sex…

            In the Potions room… no… no…"

            Professor McGonagall suddenly broke out of her reverie, realized what she had done, and ran out of the Great Hall, white as a sheet.

            Professor Snape stood up, radiating with fury, and screamed, "POTTER!  He's behind this!"

            Dumbledore, with an amused glint in his clear blue eyes, said, "Now, now Severus… we don't have any proof that Mr. Potter was behind this, nor do we have any evidence to point us in the right direction.  Besides, I found it rather amusing, if I do say so myself."

            Snape turned to the Headmaster, waving his hands like mad, trying to find the corrects words to express his rage, before throwing his hands up in frustration and storming out of the hall.

            "Well, that was fun," said Vile.  "Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to speak to Professor Dumbledore about something."

            She got up from the Gryffindor table, as all the Imps had been sitting together, and made her way to the staff table.

            "Professor Dumbledore, may I have a word with you?"

            The old man looked up and said, "Why, of course Miss Malfoy.  What is on your mind?"

            "Well, I thought that, in light of the war being fought outside the castle walls, the school could use a little livening up."

            Dumbledore nodded in agreement and replied, "Yes, I have been thinking the same thing myself.  Tell me, what exactly do you have in mind?"

            Vile plopped down in Professor McGonagall's vacant chair and said, "Well, first of all, instead of playing Quidditch, I feel it would be interesting to change things up a bit by playing Squeedlyspooch… American street Quidditch… this year."

            "Yes, I have seen that played before on a visit to my tenth cousin over in the States.  It is quite entertaining."

            Vile nodded and continued.

            "Also, I think it would greatly benefit the students and Professors to put on a musical.  Say, Moulin Rouge, Chicago, Rocky Horror Picture Show, or something of the sort."

            Dumbledore almost giggled with glee at the prospect of doing Rocky Horror, as Vile raised an eyebrow and listed the last of the Vile-ations.

            "I also think it would lift everyone's spirits considerably to hold a Yule Ball.  Of course, I would want to head up decorations, entertainment, etc.  I have already discussed all this with the Head Boy and Girl, and they are both most intrigued.  If I think of anything else, I will let you know."

            Dumbledore nodded and said, "I believe this can all be arranged.  Okay, Squeedlyspooch, Rocky Horror, and Yule Ball… Got it!"

            Vile grinned in triumph and went to the portrait of Wallace the Wimpy for an after-prank meeting with the Imps.

A/N:  Hehe…  Okay, big announcements.  My computer went ape shit earlier.  I did what I could with it, but there's no telling how long the bitch is going to last.  (Can you tell I'm pissed off at it?  Cuz I am!)  I also switched email addresses, and will now be using GoddessofRequiem@aol.com.  If you want to be added to the Updates mailing list, please leave your email address in your review.  COOKIE TIME!

witchypoo:  Thanks!  I will, as long as everyone keeps reading.  =^_^=

SycoCallie:  Hmmm sounds like your fox demon needs punishment…= ^_~=  Haha that's great… It's ok, this fic is rated R, so explicit porn talk is more than welcome!  Thanks, hope you enjoy this chapter too.  =^_^=

congerking:  Yeah he does.  =^_^=  Why do ask, do you want to see hot animal sex or something?  Is there something about two furry animals getting it on that makes you hot?  =^_~=

Caytin Lowe:  Yes, yes, hold your horses girl!  They'll be gaying around soon enough!  But Draco isn't going to just seduce him all sudden-like and stuff cuz that would be so un-squared away!

Angeldx14:  YOU ROCK PRINCESS ANNA!  EVERYONE GO READ PRINCESS ANNA'S STUFF, NOW!  (As soon as you leave a review…)  Thanks girl, keep reading.  =^_^=  Love ya, QUEEN ALEXA!