"You
better open your eyes, lest you want us to finish our meal without you," Estel heard a voice over his head. "Or mayhap you are
not hungry?"
He opened his eyes at once, although it was a few moments before he could focus
his gaze to realize that it was Elrohir speaking,
holding a cup in his hands. "I am hungry, all right," he said as he
attempted to sit, careful to avoid any kind of maneuvers that would further
injure his arm. He cast an appraising stare at his brother, trying to observe
in the thin lines of his forehead, in the set of his jaw, in the tilt of his
head, in the intensity of the stare, something, anything that would tell him
whether his mood (and that of Elladan) had altered,
or whether he had angered him. Elrohir's face was the
portrait of neutrality, although he distinguished a remnant of his good-natured
self back in the light yet caring tone of his teasing. Taking the proferred cup, he drank the content eagerly, for he thought
miruvor was uncomonly
refreshing, while Elrohir walked back toward Elladan, who sat a few paces away, tending to their meal
that cooked slowly in the fire. He followed intently with his own eyes, and was
able to catch a smile from Elladan.
A few minutes later, both brothers were sitting next to him, enjoying a small
feast after the manner of hunters: delicious miruvor
to renew strength and increase vigor; lembas, to
satisfy hunger and prepare the body for long journeys; and venison, caught
surely to sate his appetite. They all ate in silence at first, and even though Estel would have liked to think that it was hunger that
made it necessary to eat first and speak later, he sensed an awkwardness, an
air of caution that had never existed between them.
"Do not eat so fast," Elladan said.
"You have not had a solid bite in over two days; be careful with
that." Estel sighed in relief, and nodded in
acknowledgement; yet that was the end of the talk, and the silence that ensued
afterwards became as deep as the night that surrounded them.
At length, and unable to bear the crickets' chirping any longer, Estel blurted out a raspy 'I'm sorry,' amid a mouthful of
meat. Both brothers ceased eating to look at him. Feeling the flush creep up
his cheeks again, he managed to swallow and utter a proper apology. "I am
sorry. I had not realized- I meant it not to sound like it did."
"We know," Elladan said. There was
something in his quiet tone that made Estel's eyes
shoot up, "and you are old enough to feel that way." Estel opened his
mouth to say something in reply, but found that he couldn't, for he did feel
different, and he did have questions that had never met with proper answers.
And yet, he had not consciously realized how deeply were those feelings
ingrained in his heart, not until he voiced them aloud, questioning who he was
and the place he occupied amid his brethren. His own words had surprised him,
his own boldness in questioning his brothers's judgement, his own bravery in putting himself forward, his
own longing to find more about those who should be called his kin, all which
seemed to deny what his brothers and father had done for him during all those
years of dwelling in Imladris. Those feelings
frightened him, and he knew not why. Somehow, he sensed that something was
changing in himself, or within them, and he was loath to face whatever it could
be. In spite of everything he wanted to know, he also wanted things to remain
as they were.
They continued to eat silently, almost ceremoniously. Elrohir
poured him another cup of miruvor, and he was glad of
that more because it provided an interaction with his brothers, rather than
only hoping to satisfy his thirst. From time to time, he would catch stray
looks from either of them, and then a sad smile, or the raise of a brow. He
could not bear it without feeling deppressed, sad,
and angry, and he would know why. But, how better to ask?
"Those orcs were sure getting close, don't you
think?" he asked in a tone of deliberate nonchalance, "close to the
valley, I mean. It had been such a long while since we last encountered a pack
so far from the edge of the mountains. And such a large pack, at that.
Although," he said, putting up an air of incredulity, "I fancy that
something in particular must have brought them here. Why else risk the wrath of
the Elves, who are the masters of Imladris? It
troubles me that these orcs seem to be acquiring more
wisdom." He drank a sip from his cup, looking over the rim to gather their
reactions to his comment. Elrohir shot Elladan a hasty, eager glance, but the latter seemed to all
appearances unperturbed; although, Estel fancied, a
slight frown streaked his brow.
"I understand your concern," Elladan said,
"for we have felt it as well. These orcs were no
common orcs. And, yes," he curled his upper lip,
"they are getting wiser. Did you notice how they gave the alarm when they
were made aware of our presence?"
"Aye, I did," Estel declared, and frowned,
for the memories of the escape were coming back vividly, and one thing that
stood out among the rest was the way those orcs
seemed so completely organized, cunning, even, which was uncommon in creatures
of that sort. "I must admit to have been frightened at some of their moves.
The tall one, with the great bow... that captain had such perfect aim. No
matter how I ducked, his arrows would reach me. He grazed my body more than
thrice."
"What troubles me most, however," Elrohir
said, "was the fact that they seemed unusually wary of their surroundings.
These creatures are not accustomed to stealth, and I would even venture to say
that they are incapable of it, had they not surprised me like they did that
day." He looked at them in turn, before he continued, "Had it not
been for the heavy and unmistakable inprint of their
foul feet, there really was not much to alert us of their passing. Enough for
us to realize, but the forest seemed almost completely undisturbed;
not that it would've availed them much, but it was an improvement in their
ways, by all means."
"Maybe they are learning that brute force is not everything there is to a
warrior," Estel said. Elrohir
chuckled at that, but Elladan gave out only a smile.
"Either that," he said, allowng himself to
be amused for a moment, "or they are learning from our ways, which only
means that they have observed us. Which means-"
"Which means that we should be wary," Elrohir
interrupted, stressing his words with firm gestures.
"But, why? What use could they find, in coming so close to the
valley?" Estel asked, dropping the mask of
ingenuity and looking for a sensible answer. "Large though their force may
have been, it would have availed nothing compared to Elrond's power, and the
protection and security of the Elves. I do not see why they would risk an
incursion so far from their strongholds and so near to ours. It makes no
sense."
"Maybe it would," Elladan turned at him,
meeting his eyes with an intensity that spoke of earnestness, of urgency. This
troubled Estel.
"How so?"
"Maybe their purpose was not to attack."
"Then what was it?" Estel asked, now
feeling very confused and troubled.
"Did you notice how their camp was not a hasty contrivance? They had
well-assembled tents, and they seemed to have a good supply of
provisions."
"Do you mean to say that they have set up a permanent camp?" he
paused to consider his own words. True, the pack they had been following seemed
to be more conscious of their surroundings, treading with more ease over the
valley sod. At one point, Estel remembered thinking
that they seemed to have awaited them, so quickly were they ready to approach
and follow when they were discovered. "If they have set a permanent
camp," Estel said slowly in a voice so low it
seemed afraid of its own tones, "then we must assume that they wish to
observe us, to keep a watch on us. Why?"
"They gather news," was Elladan's low and
tight reply.
"What kind of news, brother?" Estel cried,
unable to hide his doubts further. "And, why do we let them? The servants
of the Dark One must be driven out!"
"Yes, they must!" Elrohir said, "But,
carefully. There is no need to risk the messengers when the message is of such
great importance. Elrond needs to learn of this."
"Aye, he does," Elladan sighed, "and I
fear he shall not be pleased." It may have been the way he tilted his
head, or how his shoulders seemed to droop, but there was something in Elladan's mood that left Estel
undecided as to whether his brother meant Elrond would be displeased to hear
word of the orcs, or on account of news of different
nature. He felt a strange and sudden pull at his stomach.
"What do you mean?" he stammered.
"I mean," Elladan said, looking at him
fully in the eye, "that some things are changing. None of us would truly
wish for it, but that is the way things are wont to go." The flash that
lighted his eyes told Estel that his brother had
understood his doubts, but was somehow waiting for him to speak his mind. But,
how to speak of things that remain still unclear, or not fully understood?
There was knowledge he had gathered from scattered bits of talk and
observation: as the years passed, his brothers became even more fearful of his
safety; they became sad whenever something reminded them of his mother's
husband; they very seldom talked about the ways of Men and he had learnt not to
ask; his upbringing as an Elf was very rare, and very few others had been
raised as such, or so he had been told. Why he? Out of it all, what seemed most
strange was the way he had been trained to be the best he could be in mental
faculties, physical prowess, healing abilities, hunter's skills; and yet, how
wary they were to let him out of their sight. One thing only, Estel could say that he knew for certain: something in his
past needed to be hidden. But, what? Why did it cause such a change now? Why
was he so fearful of encountering that change? Surely his brothers knew and
recognized it. Why couldn't he?
"What things change?" was all he was able to ask, and veiled his eyes
in frustration at his own inability to voice his concerns. "Am I
changing?"
"All of us are, and you most of all, little brother," Elrohir said. "But, I think it is not like your usual
self to be asking such questions; especially, in light of your deliberate
steering of this conversation." Estel smiled at
that, and lowered his eyes. There was nothing he could do that would escape
their notice. "You began speaking of orcs, and
how close they were getting to the valley. Do you truly feel that there is a
particular reason for them to have come this far?" Now, it was his turn to
answer questions. He was not sure whether he felt equal to it; his brothers
usually made him answer his own questions when there was something very
important and pressing that they wished he would understand and, suddenly, he
felt a dread of the things he might learn. He swallowed hard.
"Aye, I do," was all he said at first. He felt their keen glances
upon him, but he could not go on. At length, he bit his lip, as if to infuse
himself with courage, and continued. "I have, for a long time, felt the
increase of your protection of me, when it should have been otherwise. As I
reach my manhood years, as my mother calls them, I feel your apprehension and
her fear. I would know why, for I know 'tis not only a matter of love. As I see
your distress now, and the way my comments and actions have affected you, I
suspect the orcs may have something to do with
it." There it was; he had done away with much of the true problem. All
that was left for him to do was wait for a response.
"In what way?" Elrohir insisted.
Estel bit his lip. "In a bad way. What have I to
do with them? Does it... does it relate to my father, or the way he died? Do
they... do they want something from me?
Both brothers shot him looks of amazement; but, where he expected distress,
found a deep realization of truths that they seemed to have awaited. "I
perceive now," said Elrohir at length,
"that all this questioning, this putting yourself forward in deeds of
bravery, this deep loathing toward orcs, this desire
to seek for your kin... it has nothing to do with our feelings and views,"
he glanced up at Elrohir, who had lowered his eyes.
"There are things deeply ingrained in your heart that you understand not
now, but someday will. Then, everything will make sense and you will realize
your true purpose."
"Do I even have one?" he muttered quietly to himself.
"Do not doubt it for a minute!" cried Elladan.
"Not a creature is born without a mission to fulfill. Even those who err
or stray in their own paths know not but that they fulfill some higher purpose
through their wandering. And you, my dear brother," he said as he laid a
hand on Estel's shoulder, "can be certain that
there is a purpose for you."
"Is that why you take such pains to train me, or why you shelter me from
the orcs, or why Elrond has taken me, out of so many
men, into his own house? For I know that there are many others like myself,
even more worthy than I am; and I also know that sometimes mother gazes upon Eriador and I see longing in her eyes, but yet she chooses
to remain here. Why?
"Have we done aught to offend her, Estel? Doyou wish she had left while you were still a child? Are
you sorry to have been brought up thus, as an Elf, surrounded by many who love
and care for you?" Elrohir asked.
"No!" he was quick to add, "And I am thankful, for I am aware of
the many things that have been done in my behalf. But I wonder... I must
wonder! What is it about my past that must be so carefully kept hidden? Why
does Gilraen have to run away from it? Why must I?
Will it not reach me, ere the end, and finish with me?" When he was done, he
was able to feel his heart racing wildly inside his chest, and raised his free
hand to it in an attempt to stop it from bursting out. The twins looked at him
in a way that he had never seen; he thought they were startled, caught at
unawares, as it were. He had been startled, too, of his own outburst and the
way his words had come, sudden and unrestrained. But, as his eyes fixed upon
them, he saw that pain again, that sadness, for Elrohir's
breath had caught on his throat, and Elladan had
closed his eyes.
"The knowledge of your past," Elrohir began slowly,
as if it took a great effort to craft the words, "is something that must yet be
kept from you, until a moment when those who are wise see fit to reveal it.
Don't question their wisdom," he said as he raised an arm to chide Estel's unuttered protest, "for they know what is best,
brother. Reluctantly have we agreed to such demands, and sadly now, for we see
that this matter grieves you immensely, as it well should when you still remain
in the dark. One day, I trust, you will understand why this was done so, and be
grateful for it."
"But that is hardly enough, Elrohir! Why is it that I
know naught about my kin, about my father? I know naught of him, and sometimes
I feel like I know my mother very little, and you two... " his head
drooped and his voice sank to a mere whisper, "you two have been acting so
strange, looking earnest and hasty, and speaking to yourselves behind my back,
exchanging looks of concern and worry and talking guardedly about the life I
will lead... and yet you tell me nothing of it."
"Aye," Elladan said, as the spark in his
eyes told Estel that he recalled the words he had
said earlier, "I see whence all of this comes. I had not expected you
would hear that."
"But I did!" he said determinedly as he leaned forward. By now, all
thought of food had been forgotten and he was completely lost in his
conversation with his brothers, bent in finding answers, focused in taking in
their faces to preserve as pictures in his mind, as memories of a moment that
seemed to slip away to never return. "I heard, and I have also seen how
you worry over me. What am I? Am I so very bad, is my past so terrible that I
must live in secrecy? Am I doomed to fulfill some dark mission?"
"Of course not!" Elrohir leaned closer to
him. "You are not terrible, you are a wonder! You are called Estel; you are our hope." He paused and hesitated,
"So many doubts you have, and so many questions! I would not, nor could I
answer all of them, thus laying your fears to rest, but know this: whatever
doubts may assail you, be sure that you are not bad, and know that we love you.
If ever we seem to act in odd ways, it is because there are things we are yet
unprepared, or uncertain about how to handle. You have grown fast, and it seems
to have been so very quickly! We knew that someday you would have these
questions, you would feel these yearnings; but never expected it would be this
soon."
"Is that why you were upset when I said I wish I were hunting with my moter's kin?" he said, lowering his eyes slightly, "I meant
not to imply that I resented you... it is the opposite and you know it! I am
just so afraid that things might change in a way that cannot be turned back.
You are my brothers, and I want you to remain thus- always!"
"Even if all things changed in this world, the one thing that would remain the
same would be that!" Elladan said, eagerness shaping
his voice, but also a note of tenderness that Estel
had longed to hear. He gazed up at his brother to find eyes as bright as the
moon and the stars in the night sky. "For we are brothers, and we will always
be, no matter what. As you have felt it, so have we, for things are changing,
and they will change even more so between us. You are growing, and with every
year not only does your body change, but also your mind, and more truths are
opened unto you, more windows of opportunity and of chance. I hope we have been
able to train you well and teach you to discern correctly so that you do not
run into needless risks due to your eagerness and the exhuberance
of youth. A day will come when you will understand what has been kept from you
and, until that day, I hope you will be able to trust us as you have done
before. 'Tis a hard demand, I know, and a hard price
for you to pay; and from now on we will have to earn this trust, more than
ever. But, we will, for you are our brother! Is that not what brothers are for,
to stand up for each other, at all times?"
"At all times," Estel said in time with Elrohir, and they both chuckled. It had always amused Estel to see how much he had picked up of his brothers's mannerisms and gestures. As he grew to realize
more about himself, he thought about the spectacle that would be to behold a
Man who acted like an Elf. That set him apart even more from those he should
call his kin. "Will I ever have to return to my peo-
my mother's people?" he asked, surprised by the turn of his thoughts.
"It is right to call them your people, for that is what they are," Elladan said as he leaned back, propping himself on his
arm. "I am sorry for reacting so sternly before, for appearing to be so deeply
offended. They are your kin, and I know it. They are also our kin, from afar,"
and Estel's eyes widened as he considered that new
bit of information that his brother had chosen to reveal. "I love them, also,
as I would have you do, for they are fair, and brave, and worthy. Only that
your words troubled me so!" a slight smile played on the corners of his lips,
"For a moment I thought that you would wander out of reach and away from us,
for good!" There was that odd flicker in his eyes again, and Estel thought that this time, it was not his father who had
caused it, but himself.
"I may wander someday, but I will not stray too far."
"Will you trust us, then," Elrohir asked, "although
you must walk blindly still, if only for a little while?"
"I will trust you," Estel said, "but I fear for the
future. I do not trust... I do not trust myself."
"Why?" both Elladan and Elrohir
turned concerned faces over their little brother; too concerned, Estel thought, and for a moment regretted that he had been
so candid.
"I feel your love, and my mother's, and Elrond's. But, why do I feel that
something comes? Why do I look to the past and only see shadows and remember
sadness, and when I look to the future I feel apprehension and unrest? I do not
know who I am. I am not an Elf, but am I a Man? I do not belong to Imladris, but where do I belong? You have spoken of
missions, and of my leading a life. Will I recognize what it is once I find it?
How do I know I am doing what is right and what I should do? Will I find my
purpose, ever? "
"Aye, Estel, do not be too eager to know of things
that you are not yet ready to understand," Elrohir said,
and there was a tinge of sadness behind his words.
"But that is the heart of it!" Estel cried, clenching
his fist so tightly that it hurt. "Why are all those truths kept from me? Is it
because, by some chance of doom, there is something wrong with me and you wish
to keep me from it, to make me right?" By the end of the last sentence, Estel was breathing deep and he felt how his head throbbed
with doubts and pain. But, he had to look up in astonishment upon hearing Elladan chuckle. He glared at his brother, and that made Elrohir chuckle, too. "What amuses you so?" he asked.
"Naught, but that you have carried with you unnecessary fears, brother!" cried Elladan, suddenly becoming serious again. "I am sorry that
you have suffered so, and in silence. We must ask you again to trust us, and
Elrond's wisdom in this matter. There is nothing wrong or bad within you.
Whatever we become, in the end, is our own making, and our own blame cannot be
cast upon fate so easily when these things are concerned," he paused and
smiled, "but, you are good, Estel, and clever and
strong. Look to the future with hope, as your name tells you, for great things
await if you keep true."
"I will," he said, smiling broadly. For once, all the turmoil in his heart had
been stilled; all the questions, fears and anxieties did not bother him, if
only for a moment. Even the throbbing wound seemed to have been completely
healed, so great was the peace and happiness he had found through his brothers's reassurance. "If you tell me to wait, then I
shall wait, and trust to what you have taught me to guide me as I go along. I
will do my best."
"We know you will," Elrohir said, as he handed him
another wafer of lembas. "But, in the meantime, we
must feed you and keep you a healthy fellow; otherwise all this training and
waiting will not do much good, will it?"
"Sure not!" Estel said as he stretched his hand
forward to grab the wafer. "And I am so terribly hungry!"
The echo of the brothers's laughter rang long into
the deep night before it faded under the owl's cries and the cricket's
chirping. Estel laughed, too, but deep inside he
recognized a feeling of nostalgia that surprised him, and he knew not whence it
came. In his mind's eye, he could see himself, years from now, wishing that
this moment would come back, where he again felt quiet, loved, where he could
know that his footsteps where taking him where he was supposed to go. He saw
himself feeling uncertain, empty, and afraid, with a grave charge and a burden
upon him. At that moment, a star shone to the West, and as he watched its faint
beams grow brighter and conquer the darkness around them, he knew that
everything would be well. A blink later, he was not standing in the wild, but
was back on a glade in a forest, eating and conversing quietly with his
brothers. As he looked at their ageless faces, and as he lost himself in their
bright eyes, he understood that they also knew everything would be well. He
took another sip of miruvor, and smiled. Maybe this
moment was something he needed to treasure to recall in later years when he
felt uncertain again, and unsure of which path to follow. Lifting his eyes
heavenward unto the West, he knew not why, his mind hastily formed words he
recognized... a plea for light when the darkness came:
If the light shines on me
Hope will find a way.
Estel, hope and starlight
conquer fear with faith
