How Do You Heal A Broken Heart? Chapter 12
Up the Mountain
Rating: PG-13
Jordan. . .
We got up early the next morning, had some breakfast at the Pancake Pantry, and headed for the trail. I'd already decided that we were going up Rainbow Falls. Even if it was really tough at the top, Sam had said that the Boulevard Trail, which went up the other side of the mountain, was a lot steeper. I remembered that the Bullhead Trail, which leaves from the same parking lot as Rainbow Falls and shares the last six-tenths of a mile with Rainbow Falls was pretty much uphill all the way with no downhill breaks and very few level path breaks. So Rainbow Falls it was. Woody seemed excited about the idea of the hike ~ being in nature without a gun and his brother ~ but I could tell he was nervous at the prospect at spending all this time alone with me. Hell, I was scared at that idea too ~ well, being alone with him.
We grabbed our packs and water bottles and such out of the car, made sure it was locked, and took off up the trail. The first part of the hike we spent in silence ~ probably adjusting to the change in altitude, the activity level, and just taking in the beauty of our surroundings. We took periodic rest and water breaks, finally stopping for lunch at Rainbow Falls, which had already begun to freeze for the winter.
"Ok, Wood. I've got peanut butter and jelly, chocolate and peanut butter, strawberry cheesecake, spiced chai tea, or key lime pie flavored energy bars. Which do you want?"
"That's all we've. . . I guess peanut butter and jelly."
"Gee, don't sound so enthused. We didn't have a way to keep anything cool, so that limited what our options would be." I tossed the selected bar at him. "Trail mix?"
"Yeah, that would be good." I tossed him a bag of the trail mix Dad made up for us before we left, then we started to eat ~ once again in silence. I was beginning to think maybe this hadn't been such a great idea when I sensed Woody's eyes on me. "Jordan?"
"Yeah?"
"I'm sorry."
"For what?"
"For fussing about the food. I love it so far ~ the food and the hike."
"Oh. No problem." So it wasn't the big talk we were going to have. Ok, I could deal with that.
We finished lunch and rested for a while to let the food settle a bit. I laid back on the rock I was using for my perch and closed my eyes. It wasn't long before I heard Woody yelp. I opened my eyes and propped myself up on my elbows to see what the problem was.
In spite of the ice that we could already see forming along the banks of the stream that formed the waterfall, he had decided to dip his feet in the water and cool them from the wool socks and hiking boots he was wearing.
"Problem Wood?"
"Jesus that's cold!"
"Well, what did you expect? There's already ice on the edges."
"I know, I just. . . Never mind."
"Ok. You about ready to get going?"
"Yeah. I just need to put my socks and boots back on."
"Ok. I'm just going to go off trail here and take care of something. . ."
"Alright."
So I found a somewhat hidden area and got ready to take care of some business ~ the one part I hated about hiking. Guys don't know how easy they have it when it comes to stuff like this! Just as I was finishing, I heard a rustling in the brush behind me. Thinking it was Woody, I called out to let him know I wasn't ready yet.
"What?" His response came from far enough away that I knew it wasn't him in the brush ~ unless he's got talents in ventriloquism that I've not seen before.
"Um. . ." I slowly turned around to see a black bear cub pawing his was through the branches. Shit! A baby bear and no mother in sight. The question I'd asked Dad and Sam so many years before ~ how do you know where the mama bear is ~ flashed through my mind. As well as their lack of an answer.
"Jordan? Is everything ok?"
"I don't think so, Wood." I heard him ~ or I hoped it was him ~ coming up the hill. "No! Wait!"
"Jordan, I won't look if you don't want me to."
"It's not that. It's. . ."
"Shit!"
"What?"
"Jordan? We've got company."
"Let me guess. A big black bear?"
"Yeah."
"Are you between her and my voice?"
"Um, I don't think so. Wait ~ how do you know it's a female? And why do we care where I am in relation to her and you?"
"Because I've got the little one standing here looking at me."
"Uh. . ."
"Woody, where is she?"
"The big one?"
"Yes!"
"She's. . ."
"Is she closer to the waterfall or farther away?"
"She's. . .um. . .she's farther away. Like she's coming up the trail."
"Ok. I'm going to move towards the water. As long as you're not between her and my voice, try to stay with me."
"Ok. Oh shit. Why didn't I bring my gun?"
"Woody, relax. As long as we don't get between her and the cub we should be fine."
"And if we're not?"
"Don't go there. Please." I kept moving towards the water, trying to stay parallel to the trail. As I picked my way among the stones and the branches, I kept a close eye on the cub. Thankfully he didn't seem too interested in me. "Ok Woody, how far away from her are you?"
"Um. . .probably about 50 yards."
"What's she doing?"
"She's going towards where you were, but she's keeping an eye on me."
"Ok. Is she going up the trail or up the brush?"
"I think. . .looks like she's going off-trail."
"Alright, I'm going to pick my way down towards where you are. Stay put."
"Ok."
I began climbing down the hill through the brush, trying to watch where I was stepping. It was a lot steeper at this point than where I'd gone up. As I got closer to the rocks, I had to worry about ice as well. I saw one big patch to my right and was so intent on avoiding it, that I didn't see the tiny patch on the rock my left foot was about to hit. As I shifted my weight to that foot, I felt it slide out from under me and screamed. Thankfully my pack took most of the force and kept my head from hitting the rock. And thankfully the rock was relatively smooth.
"Jordan!" Woody saw what was happening and ran towards the base of the rock that was my slide. He stood directly in front of it to break my fall, and we both ended up in the dirt of the trail. "Jordan? Are you ok?"
"I think so. A little shaken, but I don't think anything's broken. You?"
"No, I'm fine." He got to his feet and helped me to a sitting position. "Let's just take it slow to make sure."
"Thanks Woody." Slowly I stood and tested my legs. They were shaky ~ understandable given what I'd just been through ~ but everything seemed to be in working order. I saw that he had had the presence of mind to bring his pack along with him so we didn't have to go back and risk the mother bear again. "Ok, I think I'll pass inspection. Come on, let's go."
"Ok." As I took a couple of tentative steps, sensed that Woody was walking more with me than he had before. I looked up at him and found what looked like tears in his eyes. Tears he was trying to blink back, but tears all the same.
"Wood? What's. . ."
"Jordan, do you realize what could have happened back there?"
"With the bears? Yeah. But thankfully Mama wasn't far behind so we could avoid getting between her and Junior."
"Well, there's that. But I mean on the rock."
"My slide?"
"Jordan, you could have been really hurt. Or killed."
"But I wasn't. I'm fine. It's ok."
"No it's not. If I hadn't taken my boots and socks off. . ."
"I probably still would have been sleeping when they came along. If you hadn't woken me up, it could have been a lot worse."
"Really?"
"Really. Imagine if they'd come along and I'd been laying there."
"I don't want to think about it. Or what happened on the rock."
"Why? You afraid Dad would put out a contract on you?"
"No, I. . . Jordan, I don't want to lose you. I guess it took almost losing you to make me really realize that. . .that. . . I love you Jordan." He reached out and pulled my into a tight hug. I didn't exactly relax into it, but I didn't exactly tens up either. As much as I wanted to believe him, we had, for all intents and purposes, just had a near-death experience, and I couldn't be sure what was coming from his heart and what was coming from his adrenaline. What can I say? I'm screwed up about relationships!
"I care about you too, Woody. . ."
"No. Jordan, I love you. Look at me. I love you. I was a jerk for leaving like I did. A stupid, idiotic jerk. I never should have taken that job in the first place, but if I was going to, I should have told you in person. I. . . Maybe it took something like what just happened for me to finally say this, but that doesn't make it any less true. There's something you don't know about me."
"What's that?" After looking around and establishing that the bears had moved on, Woody motioned to a rock that was flat enough to sit on and large enough to hold both of us.
"Before I moved here, I'd been involved with someone in Kewaunee. Someone named Annie. She was the prom queen. . ."
"The one who stood you up?"
"No, no. Annie lived down the road from me, but she wasn't my prom date. I'd played baseball with her brother. Her father was the sheriff. We. . .we started seeing each other while I was in training. Things started getting serious, and I went to talk with her father one day."
"About a job?"
"No. I was already working for him. I'd just gotten promoted to detective and decided the timing was right to settle down."
"Oh. You went to ask for her hand?"
"Yeah."
"So. . .?"
"He said that no daughter of his was ever going to marry a cop."
"Sounds familiar. But ~ I'm sorry, go on. What happened."
"I came to Boston."
"What?"
"I tried to tell her what he'd said. He was my boss, I couldn't contradict him. She felt like I should stand up to him. I couldn't. Or maybe I didn't want to. I don't know."
"Didn't want to?"
"Looking at things now, I think I was feeling pressure to settle down. I was 27. Most of the people we'd graduated high school with were already married and most had a kid or one on the way. And I know it's what Annie wanted."
"But was it what you wanted?"
"Marriage? Yeah. I wanted that ~ still do eventually. But with the right person. And I've figured out that Annie's not it."
"So. . .did you tell her you were leaving or send a note?"
"I told her. I think she thought I was going to come back or send for her or something. But. . . Jordan?"
I'd turned my head away from him when he said he told her he was leaving. I must rank real high if I only warranted a note. As Woody said my name, he reached out and took my chin in his hands to turn my face towards his own until our eyes met. As much as I wanted to look away, to keep the tears I felt just behind my eyes from slipping out, I couldn't break myself from his gaze.
"Jordan, what? What's wrong?"
"I just. . . Why did you. . .?"
"Why did I tell her and send you a note?"
"Yeah." I was embarrassed to admit it, but he already knew.
"Until just now, I'm not even sure I could have answered that. But all this made me realize that it was easier to leave her ~ to tell her about my going away ~ because she didn't mean what you do to me. Jordan, in spite of everything you've done to warn me off ~ the pushing me away, the keeping stuff hidden from me, the putting up walls again ~ in spite of all that, you've become my world. And yeah, I know ~ if that's the case why did I leave? I don't know. I was stupid and an ass and until I thought I almost lost you for good back there, I didn't realize how deep my feelings ran. I'm sorry, Jordan. I never meant to hurt you."
"Woody, it's not. . . I suck at relationships. I didn't really have good role models growing up. Dad was fine, but Mom. . .let's just say I've learned and remembered some things that don't put her in the best light. And then she was gone. And Dad didn't go out with anyone for years, so all I need to know about sex and love I learned from my friends. I don't trust easily. I put up this hard shell, but the bottom line is that relationships that go deeper than sex scare the hell out of me. Love is a scary thing for me. If you love, you get hurt. And. . ."
"Jordan, I can't offer any guarantees. No one can. Things are uncertain and sometimes random. If you hadn't been wearing your backpack or if you'd fallen another way, we might not be having this conversation right now. But I can promise that I'm not going to run out on you again. I've learned my lesson. I know there's history with your mother. I know that. And I'm willing to help you ~ to be with you as you go through that. Maybe we took things too fast before, I don't know. . ."
"Woody?" I pressed my finger to his lips to silence him, not quite daring to try it with a kiss. "I know I've got problems, but with you, for the first time things feel less random. I'm still terrified of letting my guard down, but if you're willing to be patient with me, I'm willing to try."
"That's all I ask Jordan. That's all I ask." And this time, he was the one who leaned in and kissed me. Slow, deep but not too deep, and yet it told me everything I needed to know for that moment. Reluctantly I pulled away.
"You know, if we're going to make it up there before dinner and darkness, we really should get moving."
"You're probably right." We stood up and began walking. Woody took my hand in his, but we soon figured out that walking hand in hand is one thing ~ hiking hand in hand is another. The trail didn't seem quite as bad as I remember, but it was still tough.
We got to the top and got checked in, then headed for dinner. As an added bonus, the llamas they used to pack food and laundry up to the mountain top were there for an overnight stop, so we were allowed to go and pet them. We opted not to climb the extra bit to see the sunset, grabbing some more hot chocolate and sitting on the porch of the dining room, just being with each other.
When we went back to our little cabin, we lit the kerosene lanterns and made sure the propane heater was going, changed into sweats and t-shirts for sleeping, and curled up on the bed to talk. I told Woody more about my life than I've probably told any other individual ~ about finding the Yankees cap on the table and knowing Mom wasn't with Dad; about the day Mom was murdered and the aftermath of that; about my first time and all the feelings that came from that ~ especially with Linda's disappearance from the same park at the same time; about my time in the CT residency and the overdose and going to work at the morgue; about the affair I'd had that resulted in me running away and set in motion the things that eventually led to my being fired from Boston the first time. I'm not going to lie and say it was easy ~ I was scared to death, but I just knew that for once I needed to be totally honest with the person I was going to be involved with ~ more involved than I ever had in my life, scary as that idea was. And Woody just listened, sometimes offering gentle words of encouragement, usually rubbing my back as I talked, but never judging me or telling me I was stupid. For the first time in quite a while, I felt safe. Falling in love was still scary, but with Woody it seemed less so.
At some point while I was talking, we'd moved under the four wool blankets and sheet that covered the bed and just snuggled there. There was no need for anything else. As I finished my stories ~ at least for the night ~ I looked up at Woody, deep into his eyes. "Thanks Woody. Thank you."
"For what Jordan?"
"For giving me the space and the security to talk about all that. It felt good."
"It's my pleasure Jordan." He leaned his face down and began to kiss me, but there was still more I needed to say, so I pulled back as he looked at me quizzically.
"Woody? I love you. I just needed to say that."
Woody just looked at me and chuckled, "I sort of figured that out a few hours ago, but it's nice to hear. I love you too Jordan." And this time I let myself fall into his kiss.
We fell asleep in each other's arms and woke the next morning, still curled together, as the sun began to stream through our window. It felt good, safe, like home ~ not the cabin I mean. . .being with Woody. I reached up to kiss him, and told him just that.
"Jordan, I promise I will do everything in my power to make sure you keep feeling that way. I love you baby."
"I love you too."
We had breakfast and packed up to head down the mountain. Hearing that more bears had been sighted on the Rainbow Falls trail but none on the Bullhead, we made our choice quite easily. We spent a lot of time in silence on the way down, but it was a different silence ~ a safe silence ~ the silence two people who are in love can share without it being uncomfortable.
We spent one more night in Gatlinburg, both of us sharing even more about our lives, and boarded the plane back to Boston, not quite knowing what we were going to find there, but knowing that together we could do it.
. . .to be continued for an epilogue. . .
