Title: Home is Where the Heart Is, 4/6 Author: Chocolatequeen Rating: PG Disclaimer: I'm broke. Don't sue. Archiving: Ask first, send a link. Summary: In the aftermath of the attack on Earth, two of the Enterprise crew struggle to find where they belong. Parts 1-5 are vignettes focusing on various characters, and part 6 is the conversation.

Chapter 4: Lost

After Enterprise had diabled Duros' ship, life settled into an uneasy calm. For the first time in weeks, Captain Archer was able to be in his ready room instead of the bridge while he was on duty. He wasn't working on the piles of paperwork calling out his name though, he was simply sitting there, staring at his bookshelf and trying to find the one word that would adequately describe his current mood.

"Pensive!" he said suddenly, snapping his fingers. "I'm feeling pensive, and is it any wonder? I've got a lot on my mind. Not only am I 'going boldly where no man has gone before,' I'm going somewhere very few have ever survived, attempting to save my entire planet-not to mention the fact that I'll have to do it without my science officer."

Jon sighed and leaned back in his chair, knowing this was what was weighing most heavily on his mind at the moment. The Expanse was weeks away, Vulcan was only two days away. "Just two days before I lose her-before she's gone," he quickly amended. Shaking his head, he realized there was no point in lying to himself. He was going to miss her.

"Trip and his blasted questions," he muttered. "If he hadn't brought up the need for a new science officer, I could have gone on pretending it didn't matter. That one little question brought the illusion crashing down around me." He paused for a moment, remembering how he had felt as he'd stared into his drink. "I felt. lost," he murmured. "Like all my moorings had been stripped away and I'd been set adrift.

"I tried to hide that sudden swell of emotion with a curt, one word answer. Trip's not my best friend for nothing though, he saw through that in a heartbeat. But why did he have to ask me if I'm going to miss her?" he groaned, resting his head in his hands for a moment. "Couldn't he have left well enough alone? I really didn't want to think about it, some things should just be locked away so they hurt less."

His lips quirked up into a smile as he recalled Trip's offhand attempt to make him feel better. "You'd better believe she grows on you, although I hope it's a little different for him than it is for me."

His smile quickly turned into a frown when he thought about the rest of the conversation. "I still can't believe he actually could actually be glad she's going! I understand his reasoning, but his logic is way off. On the upside I guess I don't have to worry that he might be romantically interested in her," he commented drily.

Jon's eyes widened when he recognized what he'd just said. "Of course I'm not interested in her either," he added hastily before slumping down even lower into his chair. "What's the use of denying it anymore?" he asked himself bitterly. "I am interested, hell I'm in love with her, not that it matters anymore. Just a few more days and then I'll never see her again."

For a few minutes, he was silent, mentally cursing the High Command for taking her away from him, but then a different thought wiggled into his consciousness. "I wouldn't want her going into the Expanse anyway," he decided. "At least she'll be safe on Vulcan." He took solace in that thought, though it did little to ease his heartache.

He was still brooding, staring at the book in his hands, when his door chimed five minutes later. "Come in," he called out.

************************************

Later that evening as he entered his quarters, Jon was still puzzling over the day's events. "I'll tell you one thing Porthos," he commented as he stripped his uniform off. "Being a Star Fleet captain teaches you to expect the unexpected." He paused in the middle of pulling on his sweats, shaking his head. "I certainly didn't expect her to ask to stay," he added wryly as he reached for a Stanford t-shirt.

He continued to think out loud as he pulled the shirt over his head and flopped onto a comfortable seat. "No, that was the last thing I expected. I'd just decided that it would be best if she left when she came in. When she mentioned how far we were from Vulcan, I thought maybe she was trying to say good bye. At any rate I figured it would give us one last good talk before she left for good.

"But then when she countered every one of the benefits of going home, I began to wonder what she was up to. I was sure hoping she wasn't saying what it sounded like, because the more I thought about it, the less I wanted her anywhere near that kind of danger.

"As selfish as it sounds, that was what I meant when I told her she wasn't making it easy. I wanted her to want to go so I wouldn't have to worry about her. If I had to go into the Delphic Expanse, I at least wanted to know she was safe."

Jon stopped for a moment to look around the cabin. When his gaze fell on Porthos he grinned sheepishly. "I've been so caught up in my thoughts that I forgot to feed you, didn't I? I'm sorry boy," he said, standing up and reaching for the dog food bag while the beagle's tail thumped wildly against the deck. "Here you go!" he said, pouring some food into the dish and patting Porthos on the head before sitting back down.

"Now where was I?" he muttered. "Oh right! So there I was, trying to get her to thinka bout the positives to going home, and she came back with, 'I don't wish to return to Vulcan.' Not home, but Vulcan. It was almost like she doesn't even think of Vulcan as home anymore.

"I suppose that was the beginning of the end for my argument. From that point on I was fighting a losing battle. There was just something in her voice that told me I would have to deliver her under guard if I wanted to take her home. I had to try to change her mind though, it's my job."

Rocking his chair onto its back legs, he continued his line of thought. "I thought I had an out when she asked for my permission. After all, it hadn't my orders for her to leave. We both knew the High Command would never let her stay. I hoped this was just an exercise in rhetoric, but I was sorely disappointed." He had to stop for a moment to convince himself that he truly had been disappointed. It worked, at least for now.

"I should have known she'd have an answer ready for everything," he admitted. "It just never occurred to me that she might resign! The idea that she'd be willing to give all that up." He let his voice trail off while he sat lost in thought for a bit.

Disturbed by the sudden silence, Porthos came up behind him and nudged his nose under Jon's hand. "Hey boy," he said, absently scratching the dog's muzzle. "I tell you Porthos, you have it easy! You've never had to debate with a Vulcan.

"Even as I argued with her though I found myself wanting her to stay, or at the very least wanting her to want to stay." He chuckled, realizing how illogical that was, but also knowing it was the truth. "When she told me she wanted to come because it was dangerous, I understood that she was just as concerned from my safety as I was for hers. I don't think anything's felt that good in a long time.

"I still wasn't ready to concede just yet though. I tried to tell her she didn't' have to worry, but she's too smart for that. Besides, I imagine she would consider worry to be an emotion," he mused, cocking his head slightly as he pondered that possibility. "When that didn't work, I tried the bulldozer effect. You know, where you completely ignore every point your opponent has made and just run over them all with your own stubborn agenda?" he said, miming the movements of a bulldozer with his hand. Porthos just looked at him and wagged his tail a little bit.

"I couldn't look her in the eye though. I was afraid she would see how much I wanted her to stay and then that would be the end of it. Instead, I turned to look out at the stars, but she came up right behind me and delivered the coup de grace."

He still wasn't sure if he wanted to smile or grimace when he remembered her words, so his expression was an odd combination of the two. "You need me,' she said. Not Enterprise, but me. I wonder if she knew how right she was.

"I just looked at her for a second, trying to find a solid counter argument, but there wasn't one. I know that when I walked past her onto the bridge that she thought she'd lost. I'm not sure even I was completely certain of my decision until I opened my mouth. I hesitated for a moment, but as soon as I gave the order I knew it was the right thing to do.

"I almost smiled when I saw the look of surprise flash across her face. I wonder if I should tell her that surprise is an emotion," he commented with a grin.

His smile faded to a contemplative look when he admitted one last thing. "There never was any question about my choice," he told the beagle. "Just between you and me Porthos, "I'd be lost without her."