Disclaimer: Me still own nothing… Me too stupid.
Chapter XIPain. Like someone had shoved a freaking butcher knife right in my stomach. So the problem had returned. 'Not a disease… A psychological condition.' So the doctor had told me. But how could you trust a doctor?
Numbness to emotion… Oh Hyne, could you call it emotion? Emotion? Damn I hate that word. Could you call what I felt for her… Emotion? Aw, give me a break! Emotion? Oh yeah, right… I haven't felt emotion since third grade. Right?
The year my mother died. A couple weeks after the funeral, my father brought me to the doctors. I couldn't sleep at night, couldn't do anything. Each time he asked me what was wrong I'd just tell him that my stomach was splitting in two… Which was, after all, pretty accurate.
"Mr. President, you're son is perfectly fine. He's just having trouble dealing with the emotion. Pardon me for touching on a rather sensitive subject… However, I don't think that your son has accepted the death of your late wife, Raine Loire."
I listened… Out in the hallway. What did they think I was? Stupid… Or malfunctioning? I could hear everything.
"So what is it that's the matter?" There was a slight indifference in my father's voice. I was used to it…
"It's not a disease… It's more of a psychological condition. The emotions that your son is feeling are making him nervous… He's afraid. This causes physical reactions. His stomach is producing too much hydrochloric acid and hereby giving him bad stomach cramps. I suggest you go to see a psychiatrist."
Oh fuck you! I felt like screaming out from the hallway. Go see a psychiatrist? Not likely… I knew I wasn't crazy. So… Instead I got rid of the other part of the problem… The emotions. The stomachaches stopped. But now they have come back to haunt me.
Yeah, pretty dramatic sentence there but it's a pretty accurate one, too. Emotion? For her? I feel emotion for her? What kind of emotion? Not love… Right? 'Course not love. Why would I love her? Why would I… Right?
Right. No use wondering. Then again… The mind lies, the body doesn't.
***
When someone told you not to pick at a scab because it would leave a scar… Immediately, what did you start doing? Pick at it.
And that's exactly what I started doing with my problem. Too much thinking is insanity's ugly cousin. Oh yeah, trust me it is.
I thought… And thought… And thought until I was ready to start screaming and pulling out my hair. Sitting on the edge of my bed… I thought. No, not about my father. Not about my mother… Not about Balamb or the exams. I didn't think about how to beat the stupid Panda King in Sly Cooper. Nooooo… I thought about her.
Do you have any feelings for her? Yeah… I do. Well, do you like her? Sure, I do. Do you love her?
Nope, I couldn't answer that question, I would not answer that question. Care about her? Yeah, sure. Love her? That's an entirely different story. But what about the stomachaches? The fuck do I care about the stomachaches, stop shitting on me with the fucking stomachaches, the stomachaches aren't worth shit!
Yes they are… And you know it. Fuck off!
I was actually getting upset at myself. I told you that thinking was insanity's ugly cousin.
Do you love her? Leave me alone! Do you love her? I want to sleep! Do you love her? I don't even know what love feels like! Well now you do.
My eyes shot open. Holy… Shit.
***
And avoiding her was impossible. We lived in the same house. Big as it may be… Avoiding her was impossible and futile. She wanted to know what was wrong with me… Why I acted the way I did. She wanted to be positive that she had done nothing wrong, offended me maybe, and there was genuine concern in her voice and in her features.
"Are you ok? I mean… What happened last night?" She asked at the breakfast table. Joan's sisters weren't up yet and I had the bad luck of waking up at the same time that she did.
"Yeah, fine. Everything's fine." She was concerned however she wouldn't push the subject. She didn't ask if she did anything wrong… She needed no assurance of that. Or maybe it was the uneasiness that we both felt towards what exactly had happened last night.
A mistake. A huge mistake. That was what had happened. Or so I tried to convince myself. There is no point in thinking about it… To her it was a mistake and I should feel the same way towards it. No matter how hard I tried, I didn't.
***
"I'm… Going to go out tonight. A party." Why was she telling me this?
"Ok…" I answered from the heaps of study papers on my desk in the guest bedroom.
She leaned in the doorway as if she was expecting something of me and finally she decided to speak, "This is very uncomfortable."
Great, that was one hell of a head on attack. What was I supposed to say, "Yeah, it is." And then I made the mistake of looking into her eyes. Now, if it needed to be, I couldn't lie… At all.
"Should we… Forget about what happened last night?" She suggested lightly.
No! Hell no! Are you crazy? This is the first thing that I've felt, but really felt, in so long! I can't let it go! "If that's what you want." Stupid Leonheart, stupid, stupid, stupid!
"Is that what you want?" She countered.
No, no, no, no! Can't you see? I'm learning to cope! I will learn to cope! Help me… I'm so lost; help… "I don't know. It's really up to you."
"Then… No, I don't want to forget it." A sense of relief washed over me… If gratefulness was love then yes, I was deeply in love with Rinoa Heartilly.
"Ok… Then we won't forget." I replied.
"But that still hasn't solved anything." She replied.
"What is there… To solve?" Frankly, there was a lot to solve; but, not knowing
how to solve them made me deny that there was anything to solve in the first
place.
"Squall…" She started and then she must have reconsidered because she shrugged and said, "Forget it… Let's talk about it later. I have to go."
"Ok… Bye." As dumb as my answers were I was fairly glad that I was able to answer at all.
I heard the soft footsteps down the staircase, the opening and closing of the front door. Once again, I was alone in the house. Thinking, thinking… No! Enough… Too much thinking. Put thinking on hold for a while; relax a little.
I picked up the phone and dialed a familiar number. "Hello?"
"Hey… How are you?"
"Squall! Haven't heard from you in a while. Made me question your existence."
"That's funny, no really… That's very funny." I rolled my eyes.
"Yeah, well… What can I say? How's my sparing partner?" My hand subconsciously touched the tip of my forehead where I could feel the start of the imperfection that ran down my nose.
"He's healing… You sick, demented bastard. He's healing." I grinned.
"Yeah? Girls seem to find your work on my face very intriguing… Picked up a lot of chicks with it."
"Good for you, Seifer." I responded sarcastically. "Good for you."
He laughed, "So how are they treating you over there?"
"S'alright. They got an indoor pool. You tuck your pants in your socks to look proper." It earned me a laugh from my companion, "Nah, but … whatever. They got a dog and a maid. Lots of valuables. A PS2, GameCube, XBOX and some other game systems. Satellite TV… You know, the works." I fiddled with my pen.
"Well tally hoe!" Seifer joked, "I guess it'd beat my 4 and a half apartment with a clogged toilet, cracked ceiling and newly wed couple just living upstairs."
"Does the newly wed couple relate to the cracked ceiling?" I asked laughing.
"Oooh trust me… You don't want to know." He replied, "But let me tell you that I know why ass-fucking is illegal."
"Aw man, you're right… I don't want to know." I laughed. The simplicity of it all. Talking to Seifer. Rivals… But still friends, if that's even possible.
"So… How's that girl? The General's daughter. Word has it that she's hot."
No… Not about her, not about her. "I'd rather stray from the subject." I said.
"Why? Is she a royal pain in the ass?" He asked and I could tell that he was eating something at the other end. Knowing him, it was probably chips.
"Yeah, she was at the beginning… Right now, she's just… Ok, you know. I'd really like to stray from the subject."
There was silence for a second and I could practically see his smirk, "Sounds like Leonheart has a little… Emotional problem."
"No, no problem. Only slightly confused." Half of the truth… That was all that I was going to give him.
"Yeah, whatever."
"I believe that is my line."
***
So we talked for hours … yeah, guys have long telephone conversations too except ours don't consist of the different shades of eyeliner.
"So, you all set for those exams?"
"Yeah, I should think so."
"Good, 'cause right after you're Commander, I'm going to be joining Balamb Garden. Hyne, I am so sick of Esthar! That couple is driving me crazy!"
I laughed and he continued, "No really! I think I'm going to call police or something!"
I heard a faint beep that cast out Seifer's voice for a mid-second. "Hang on, Seifer. I got another line. Be right back."
I pressed on the blinking red button, "Hello?"
"Squall?" The voice filled with panic was identifiable as Rinoa's.
"Yeah? What is it? Are you ok?" Calm down you shithead …
"Could you… Come pick me up? Please?" I could hear a cacophony of noise in the background. Holy shit, where was she?
"Yeah, sure…" She gave me the address and I wrote it down on some scrap piece of paper. "I'll be there in a sec…"
"Thank you so much…"
I pressed on the other blinking light and returned to Seifer, "Man, I gotta go."
"Ok, that's cool. Just call me some other time, alright?"
"Yeah, no problem. Bye!" I hung up, darted to the closet and put on my jacket. Grabbed my set of keys and got the hell out of the house.
***
She entered the truck almost before I could spot her. "What the hell are you doing here?"
"Jake's idea. Please… Just drive." It was almost as if she was begging.
"No fucking way!" I yelled, "See that guy on the lawn… He's got unusually big fucking pupils! What are you doing here?"
"Listen, just drive!" She snapped, "I already told you it was Jake's idea! Just get me out of here."
"Oh, and I guess Jake is here too? Good, now I think I should go and beat his fucking ass in!" I got out of the car but she held me back by clinging onto my jacket sleeve.
"Jake is busy right now!" She yelled back, "Just drive!"
"He's busy? With what?" And I immediately regretted asking.
"He's busy with Jessica! You know her, right? The neighbor, he's busy with her!" She snapped back at me and my eyes went wide. So that's why…
"Alright… All the more freaking reason!" I tried to tug for my freedom but she pulled me back.
"Stay in the car!" She yelled, "You really don't know what type of people are in there, do you? Yeah, these people have switchblades in their back pockets, guns strapped to their waist with belts… They've got scars too, Squall. Except theirs aren't from endurance training, it's from the goddamn neglected cocaine fee! So sit your ass back in the car and drive!"
And I listened. Without reconsideration I followed her orders blindly.
***
There was an accident on one of the highways. And therefore there was traffic. Yeah, at ten o'clock at night. I could see her looking out the window, blinking back tears. Which really amazed me because I couldn't hold back tears. When one fell, you knew there was going to be an entire ocean of emotion that went with it. Emotion. That big, ugly word that means more than words can write.
"You know… Cry if you want to." I offered and surprisingly she bit back with hot anger.
"Cry? I don't feel like crying right now!" She snapped, "Crying is the last thing on my mind!"
"Ok, don't cry. Tell me what the fuck is the matter then!"
"I thought it should be obvious by now!" She screamed. This conversation was going nowhere.
"Why the fuck do you care that some jackass traded you in for some two-bit whore?" I guess that was when I snapped.
"Traded me in?" She had this incredulous look on her face, "FUCK OFF!"
"Hey, don't shoot the messenger, baby!" I snapped back at her, "Maybe she fucked better than you, maybe she didn't nag as much as you … maybe she wasn't such a goddamn pain in the ass!"
"What would you know about human relations?!" She yelled back, "In fact, what the hell do you know about me?"
I stayed silent and it helped. Both our nerves calmed down a little bit. "Why do you hang out with him anyways?"
"Why? Because he's the 'hottest' guy in school and word has it that I'm the best-looking girl in school." She wasn't complimenting herself but… More or less explaining the situation.
I didn't have to ask, she continued, "So to amuse the general population we have to put on a soap opera. Which includes Jake and me. Is it too complex for your primitive mind, Leonheart?"
"So fuck the people! The fuck do you care about people?"
"I care because you obviously have no idea what it is to be a goddamn social outcast! It isn't even possible to get good grades because people are setting you up, making you look like a goddamn cheater! You get in trouble, people make fun of you."
"Oh, whoopty-freaking-doo!" I snapped.
"It doesn't matter how much of a great person you are, Squall! Don't you get it? You can be the most generous person in the world with an I.Q. of 195 and be living in a goddamn street alley!"
"Why, because no one likes you?"
"That's right! They'll do everything to bring you down!" And I couldn't call her crazy… Because I knew she was right. I had felt what it is to be a social outcast. I knew.
"You are the most shallow person that I have ever met!" I yelled back at her nonetheless.
"Maybe, and so what do you care? I'm a nagging, bitching, annoying, witch! Isn't that right?"
"You're the most extraordinary person I've ever met." I corrected her and myself, "You're just not sure of where you're going."
"Squall…" She looked at me. I was sincere… I really was.
So the traffic jam unblocked but there were no cool crashes to be seen. Only an overweight man trying to take a swing at an old man with a cane being held back by police officers.
There was an odd silence in the car. I guess that was my punishment for being so goddamn stupid. Me and my big mouth.
I pulled into the driveway and it appeared that no one was home… Joan and her sisters were still out. Which I guess was a good thing at the moment.
We got in, turned on a couple of lights. Locked the doors. Not one word passed between us. She climbed up the staircase and I trailed after her.
I passed right by her and muttered something along the lines of 'Good night' but she grabbed my sleeve and pulled me back.
"Wait." She asked. "Don't go."
"Don't go where? I'm in the next room."
"Don't go in the next room, stay here."
What? In your room? I nearly blurted out. However, she didn't quite give me the time to say so. She pulled me down to her height and kissed me. Instantly I felt my stomach tearing apart gain but I ignored it for the moment and kissed back.
My hands found her hips and remained there. Her hands were at the back of my neck… And the pain was only getting worse. Finally I pulled away and she knew something was wrong.
"Are you sure you're ok?"
"I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be? I'm with you." And for some reason… The pain
stopped. And what happens from here on…
Is of her's and my business only.
Sammy: Haaa! I like the way I ended off that chapter! There we go, no messes! Review everybody! Or I beat you with a stick! Haha … no, I'm just kidding! Well, review review review!!!!
