I don't own anything in connection to Smallville or Lord Byron. Everything else is my own wired imagination. ************************************************************************

Lionel couldn't see the thing that was growling at him. He was blind after all. As far as he could tell it was a poodle. At any length, it was big and large and it seemed it wanted to hurt him.

"Lex?" He called out for his son. It was his son's house. Lex should be around here somewhere.

Lionel had a wicked thought. Maybe his son had finally gotten tired of him and decided to get rid of him.

Suddenly, Clark Kent burst into room. "Joshef!!!"

The wolf stopped and stared at Clark. They had an intense staring contest for what seemed like forever. Lionel the whole time was playing the billionaire in distress.

"Clark. What is going on?" Lionel shifted uneasily.

"I'm trying to save your worthless ass fool!!"

"My ass is not worthless. It's insured for billions of dollars. And I don't need you to save me. Lex is around here somewhere and he will save me. Well, after contemplating whether to let me die for a few minuets. But still!"

"Wa??" Lexes head popped up over the couch. He had lipstick smudged about his face. "Did someone call my name?"

Lionel huffed. "Lex where were you? I've been calling you to get rid of that growling thing."

Lex growled. "I'm busy." A slender hand reaches from behind the couch and rubs Lexes head. "And it's only a wolf. Buy it or something. That's what you usually do." Lex disappeared behind the couch and slurping sounds began.

Lionel huffed some more and waved his cane about. "Alexander Luther! You stop screwing that whore right now and get out hear and get rid of that growling thing!!"

"What?!" Dr. Brice rose from behind the couch. She was pissed. "Did you just call me a whore? Cause if you did, I will drop kick your ass so fast . . ."

Lex was up and covered her mouth with his hand. "Dr Brice, it would not be a good idea to annoy my father." He thought a minuet. "Though it would be funny to see someone drop kick him."

Lionel's face grew red. "Lex!"

Lex shrugged. "What? It would."

The wolf growled and lay down in boredom. Clark rolled his eyes and sighed heavily. "Can you two just stop bickering for one minuet so we can stop the Big Bad Guy of the week from killing helpless extras and expendable towns people?" The wolf growled in agreement.

Dr. Brice managed to get Lexes hand off her mouth. "Why are you so sure it's a Big Bad Guy? It could be a Big Bad Girl. I think your sexist." The wolf growled in agreement.

Clark looked confused. "But I know that the Big Bad Person is the grandfather of the cute chick I'm screwing this week."

Lex gently punches Clark in the arm. "Clark. You finally got over nasty hoe Lana, and you lost your virginity. I'm proud of you."

The wolf growls angrily at Lex. Clark blushes. "Lex, I haven't lost my virginity." Clark then gets defensive. " Wait, you think Lana is a nasty hoe?"

Lex swallows hard and answers in a forced rehearsed voice. "No. I think she is a wonderful loving person who is leading you on not to break your heart but to make sure your good enough for her."

Clark smiles sheepishly. "You really think so?"

Lex grits his teeth. "Yes. I really think so."

Clark's eyes brighten. "Goody!!"

Lionel clears his through. "I think she's a nasty hoe."

Dr. Brice razes her hand. "Ditto."

Clark ignores them. "I'm the prettiest."

Lex nods. "Yes you are. And I'm the Sex Demigod."

A flash of lightning erupts in the room and a man on a motorcycle appears in the middle of the room. The man on the bike gets off and strikes a "manly" pose. He is wearing all leather. Leather pants, leather tank top, and a leather duster. He looks very much like a white version of Morpheus from "The Matrix". His lip is bloody and he looks like he has just been in a bar fight. "Ha! Ha! I am Lord Byron! All tremble before me."

The occupants of the room all look at each other in puzzlement. "Who?"

Lord Byron sighs in barely contained rage. "Bloody Hell!!! You would think that after hundreds of years of bar fights, I would be more known." He gets blank stares from every one. "Hello? I'm mad, bad, and dangerous to know."

Lex snaps his fingers. "Of cores. Lord Byron. Wasup my man? Your like my idol."

Lord Byron smiles. "Cool."

Lionel sits heavily back into his chair. "Good lord Lex! Your idol is a Old World Lord?" He regarded Lord Byron with distain. "Aren't you supposed to be dead?"

Lord Byron growls at Lionel. "Aren't you supposed to be dead?"

Lionel smirks. "My son and only heir saved my life."

Clark raises his hand. "Can we get back to the Big Bad Guy and My plot line? It's my show and I'm the prettiest."

Lord Byron scoffs at Clark. "Bloody hell. Every one already knows that the wolf is a skin walker and your lover. Get over your self."

Clark looks like a puppy that has just been kicked. "I'm the prettiest."

Dr. Brice snaps her fingers in the Z formation. " What are you talking about? I'm the prettiest."

The wolf barked as if to say "Oh hell no bitch! I'm the prettiest!"

Lord Byron rolls his eyes and lifts his arms. "Hence the reason the Deity's sent me here."

Lex lifts his eyebrows. "You were sent by the Deity's? How many Sex Gods do they have?"

"One. Alan Rickman is The Sex God. I'm not even a god. I'm just Mad Bad and Dangerous to Know."

"Oh."

Beeping filled the room. Dr. Brice Jumps and grabs her pager. "Man. The mayor broke his leg. I have to go." She kissed Lex and the turned to Clark. "We'll continue the argument on who's prettiest later. Perhaps when it becomes clear that I am evil or when Lex gets tired of me. And remember. I can drop kick your ass." She turns to leave but before she leaves she drop kicks Lionel, then rushes out. Lionel crumples in his seat unconscious.

Lord Byron smiles. "I like that that girl. She rocks."

Lex nods. "And she is one hell of a kisser."

Clark shifts uneasily. "So, Lord Byron. Why did the Deity's send you?"

"Why do you think?"

"Because I have blue tights and eye rays?"

"No you moron. Your new girlfriend is trying to usurp you in your title. I'm here to stop it."

"Why didn't Alan Rickman come?"

"Because he hates Ian. And because he is still at Dawson's Creek deflating egos."

Lex shakes his head. "Why can't they see that Smallville is the new WB favorite show? I would buy them out, but why?"

Suddenly, Lana runs in crying. "Whitney is missing in action!!! Boo Hoo!!"

The three men look at each other puzzled. Clark rubs his head. "Um. Lana. It's not time for that yet. I haven't even found out that my lover is that wolf."

Lana immediately stops crying. "Oh. My bad."

Lex snorts. "And what would make you think we give a flying flip about the Quarterback anyway. I had to hear about you and him All. Last. Year. It's bad enough that I have to deal with crazy bitches who want to kill me, or knowing that I will one day be evil no matter how warm and fuzzy I try to be, or to have my best friend, in a completely nonsexual way, pinning over some worthless tramp. A tramp, which the only thing she has going for her is her Big. Ass. Doe. Eyes. that in trance male beings across the country. I've even went into a business deal with you so you could prove that you have deeper layers than the Shallow. Whinny. Bitch. that every one knows you are. This is more than one man can take. I run my own company. What do I care about High School? I went to privet school! Get out of my Scottish castle you Whinny. Little. Cookie. Cutter. High. School. Cheerleader. Bitch. And don't you dare say you need special treatment because your parent's died in the meteor shower because if you do, I will shoot you and claim it was self-defense. I lost my Hair! My mom died after a long agonizing sickness, my father hates me and I will eventually kill the one person who has treated me like a normal person. So don't talk to me about mental anguish hoe!"

Lana squeaks and runs out of the room. Lord Byron laughs and pats Lex on the Back. "A man after my own heart. That was poetry young bald man of extraordinary sexiness."

Lex shrugs. "Well I am the Sex Demigod."

Clark looks confused. "Lex. You like Lana don't you?"

Lex thinks a moment. "Clark, Lana is a very special girl."

Lord Byron adds under his breath. "Special ED that is."

Lord Byron and Lex giggle and exchange a high five. A random book falls out of nowhere and hits Clark on the head. Clark shakes him self and then smacks his head. "I sorry. I was operating in pre get-over-Lana mental state. I forgot that she is really just a friend and that I really don't want her body . . . or her brain for that matter. You know Lex you were right. She is whinny. And a bitch."

Lord Byron slaps Clarks back and smiles. "Welcome to the Mad Bad and Dangerous to know side Clark. Before you know it, you will own the ladies . . . and then abandon it all to be meek and submissive for your one true love . . ." The wolf growled and looked generally mad. "Opps. I almost gave away a plot line. My bad."

Lex shrugs. "Hell, I've made obvious plot remarks since Clark and I met."

"Yes. But they were at least thinly veiled. I don't have enough tact for that."

"You know I could give you some pointers if you'd like."

"That would be great."

Clark clears his thought, getting the two men's attention. "Could we please get back to me? The reason your hear."

Lord Byron shrugs. "My main goal was to remind you that you weren't in love with Lana anymore." He waves at the wolf. "Your love is going to be dead in the next scene so it really doesn't matter if she thinks she's The Prettiest. She'll be dead and you'll still be The Prettiest. My work here is done." He turns to Lex. "So do you want to go bar hopping, pick up women and get in fights?"

Lex shakes his head. "Sorry. I own my own company and must act like a responsible adult. Also, Clark looks up to me, kind of like a big brother, and so I have to set a good example."

Lord Byron makes a face. "Oh, the responsible Lex. I guess I'll have to try a few years back."

A grown is herd from Lionel as he slowly gets up. "What happened?"

Lex lies. "You passed out and hit your head."

Lionel grimaces. "Oh. Is the growling thing gone yet?" The wolf growls angrily. "Guess not."

Lord Byron gets back on his bike. "Well, I must be off. The Deity's might get worried."

Lionel holds out a blind had. "And who sir, are the Deity's you speak of?"

Lord Byron rolls his eyes. "The Goddess of Sticky Sweetness, and the Goddess of Sam's Club Size Cans of Whoop Ass."

Lionel swallows hard. "Oh."

Lord Byron ignores Lionel. "You know I like them a lot. The Goddess of Sticky Sweetness is a young, blond, American, female version of me. Well, besides the fact that she's a very sweet girl. It's her secret weapon. She looks, and acts sweet, but damn!! She can be the Bitch Goddess if she wants to. And The Goddess of Sam's Club Size Cans of Whoop Ass is like an young, red haired, Trinidadian, female, black version of me. If you piss her off she will just run you off the road and beat you down in a fit of rage. She did that once to an old man in Santa Fe. Very ugly. Anyway, see you all later!"

And with that Lord Byron vanished in a bolt of lighting. Lex leers at his father. "Dad. Do you know who the Deity's are?"

Lionel sighs. "I guess I can't keep it from you forever."

Lex moans and puts his head in his hand. "What did you do now to destroy my life?"

Lionel thinks a second before answering. "Well son, the Luthers have a habit of losing their hair."

Lex is impatient. "And?"

"And well the prospect of losing my hair and becoming bald was something I was not going to let happen. So, I made a deal with the Deity's."

Lexes mouth dropped open. "Dad, did you take my hair so you would never lose yours? I hate you!!! All those years you made me feel ashamed because I didn't have hair. You are a monster!! I wish you died and mom was still here!! I hate you!"

Lionel rolls his blind eyes. "Lex I didn't take your hair. The Deity's stopped my hair loss because I gave them You."

Lex freezes. "You what?!"

"I made an agreement that when you were old enough to decide, that you would become one of their willing cabana boy's, aka their sex slave."

Lex thinks for a minuet. "Are they hot, these Deity's?"

Lionel smiles. "Very."

Lex smiles. "Ok, as long as they're not into too much kinky stuff, I don't have a problem."

"I tried to get them to take me, but they said I was too evil, and hairy for them."

Clark clears his throat. "Lex, it's really nice that you're bonding with your father, but I still have to stop the Big Bad Person."

Lex just stares at Clark in disbelief. "Clark, the entire episode is about you and your new love. Sure I have a few cool parts, but you should learn to share. And besides, I'm making up for the five minuets I had on screen last episode. Furthermore the big climax of this episode is you having a Staring. Contest. with a WOLF. You would think that a man who can bench press a tractor could think of something a little more exiting than a staring contest for the big moment."

Clark inches away and avoids Lexes eyes. "I can't bench press a tractor Lex."

"Right, and next you'll be telling me you can't shoot fire through your eyes, or run faster than a speeding bullet, or see through walls, or float in your dreams."

Clark's eyes get wider. "No, can't do any of that."

Lex shakes his head. "Right Clark. Well I have to be somewhere besides in this room, I'm not in this scene after all, like I'm not in any other climax scene unless I'm passed out, knocked out, or falling off indoor balconies at shut down clubs, so you two have fun." Lex saunters out of the room.

Clark smiles at Lionel. "Well Mr. Luther. Are you ready?"

Lionel groans. "Yes Clark, I am ready."

Clark looks top the Wolf. "Well, wolf who is my lover, though who I think is my lovers grandfather, are you ready?" The wolf nods and begins to growl again. Clark and the wolf begin the staring contest.

And so Clark is saved from pining over Lana, and Lex learns how his father has so much hair. And all is well in SMALLVILLE. Well, as well as Smallville gets.

NEXT TIME ON SMALLVILLE . . .