I don't own anything in connection to Smallville, Samuel L. Jackson, the
NAACP, the Black Panthers or Jesse Jackson. I also mean no disrespect to
anyone who appears in my fanfic's. Everything else is my own weird
imagination. Holio Blackheart, Mir Jenkins and Cherry Winters, however, are
all mine!!! Mwahahahaha!
Authors note: sorry it took so long getting this out. But have no fear, Pete The Black Super Hero is here. This one is for Pete, though he, as always, has little to no lines. Plus, Clark was SO stealing all the scenes with his o-so-tight T-Shirts. Needless to say, with Clark, Lex AND Pete, the plot line is completely forgotten. (Shivers, "Oooooooooo!") Thanks for the R&R and enjoy!! **************************************************************************** ***********
Dr. Hamilton waved the needle menacingly at Pete. "If you don't tell me who owns that ship I will inject you with pure liquid meteor rock extract, my own recipe."
Pete puffs up his chest in defiance. "You can stick that thing where ever you want too, but I'm still not going to tell you. Biotch!!"
COMERTIAL . . . . . . . . . .
Somewhere in the Galaxy two Deities are NOT HAPPY.
"ARRRRRRRRR! I hate commercials! Fast-forward it! Fast-forward it!"
"The remote wont work!!!! Blast it!!!"
"What is the use of being Goddesses if we can't even control the F'ing TV?"
"Because Producers and evil people run the TV. Even we are powerless against the evil forces of Producers and their money."
"ARRRRRRRRRR!"
"ARRRRRRRRRR!"
END COMERTIAL . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Dr. Hamilton holds the needle menacingly. He slowly moves the needle towards Pete's neck. Nothing happens. Dr. Hamilton sighs. Obviously, he expected something to happen.
Pete glares at the doctor. "What are you waiting for? Are you going to inject me with the meteor liquid extract or not?"
Hamilton points a twitching hand accusingly at Pete and then at the door. "Someone missed their cue!"
From outside a sudden curse is heard. Clark's voice drifts in through the wall. "Sorry!"
Hamilton turns back to Pete and brandishes the needle menacingly. He shouts so that Clark can hear from outside. "END COMERTIAL! Dr. Hamilton slowly brings the needle closer to Pete's neck!"
The wall of the lab/barn bursts open, spewing large shards of wood all over the lab. Clark enters and glares at Dr. Hamilton. "Let him go you Bad Bad Man!!!"
Hamilton does a standard Bad Guy glare, with a hint of crazy. "Not until he tells me what he knows!! Black Men should not lie to each other when they are in a state like Kansas."
Pete tries desperately to move his neck out of Dr. Hamilton's reach. "Yeah. But you're a crazy Black Man! You don't count!"
"We are the only Black Men in the town. Well, we are the only ones who have any airtime at any rate! We should stick together, not tare each other down!"
"Says the man who tied his fellow Back Man to a chair and is going to inject him with creepy green stuff!"
Hamilton growls and tries to steady his hand so he can inject Pete. Clark squints his eyes and the needle begins to heat up. Suddenly the stream of fire sputters. Clark tries to keep it under control but instead, sets Pete on fire.
Pete's eyes bug out and he starts blowing on the flame attempting to put it out. "Black man on fire!"
Hamilton jumps back and then pats the fire out. "What the hell! Are you killing your friend so I don't have to? You know he's not going to tell me anything. No use in finishing him off for me."
Clark is squinting at the floor trying to make his eye rays work. "My eye rays! I can't get them to work any more. Did the special effects go out again?"
Hamilton throws his hands up in frustration and moans angrily. "I have never been so disgusted with anything in my whole life. I am a great personality; I can't work under these conditions! First you forget your entrance, and then the special effects stop working. What next?"
Clark shrugs. "I don't know. It IS a rerun."
Just then Lex and his father Lionel, and a few groupies draping off of Lex, enter through the hole in the lab/barn. Lex sees Clark, Pete, and Dr. Hamilton and stops dead in his tracks. Clark opens his mouth to say something as he glances worriedly back at the two Black Men.
Lex, however, beats him to it. "Dad, I think we are a little early."
Lionel scratches his chin thoughtfully. "Are the Set People not done moving the Space Ship your not supposed to see?"
Lex sighs heavily. "No. Pete is still tied up."
"Oh."
Hamilton flings his arms about like a mad man. "That doses it! I want to talk to my agent! Screw what the script says. I will not go into the coma and have to come back at a later date! I want it to end right now! This is now the scene where I die!"
Lex raises an eyebrow. "But I was looking forward to keeping you in my dungeon until you come out of your coma."
"Tough!!!!"
"Oo! Can I shoot you and claim self defense?"
Hamilton eyes Lex suspiciously. "No you can't."
"Damn."
Lionel interrupts. "Lex, you threaten to shoot people to often. I'm disappointed in you."
Lex mumbles under his breath. "So what else is new?"
Lionel continues as if Lex hadn't said anything. "If you were stronger you would not threaten people with death, you would threaten them with something more painful, like sacrificing their newborn baby to the Gods of Capitalism. That whole incident at Club Zero is at fault. If you hadn't shot that man, then you would not threaten people idly. When will you ever learn, my Bald Freak of a son?"
Lex swallows a lump of anger down, trying to repress it. "You call that trying to make amends with your son?"
Lionel smiles wolfishly. "I try."
A blonde head pops in the hole in the wall of the lab/barn and smiles slightly mischievously at the people inside. "Are you guys at a stopping point? Mir and I need to do touchups."
The men in the room look questioningly at each other and all of them nod in approval.
The blonde's smile gets bigger. She calls a "Hey Mir!" and then steps into the lab/barn. Several pieces of clothing are draped over her arm and she has an apron with large pockets on. She stands in the middle of the room, seeming to be apprising the men. Another woman joins her and is carrying along a makeup bag.
Hamilton notices the woman with the makeup bag. His mouth drops open in pure astonishment. "A BLACK WOMAN!!" He then falls to his knees beside her and begins to kiss her feet. She doesn't seem to notice him.
Clark eyes the two women suspiciously but he's obviously interested in them. "So do you mind if I ask you who you guys are?"
The Blonde smiles sweetly but evilly. "Sure. I am Cherry Winters, the Wardrobe Mistress, and this is Mir Jenkins, the Makeup Goddess.
Mir inclines her head, ignoring Dr. Hamilton at her feet. She has a "ghetto" accent. "It's pronounced Mauhr, but its spelled Mir."
Clark raises an eyebrow and makes a face as if he didn't get the connection between the pronouncing and spelling of Mir's name. He then shrugs and accepts it. "Cool. What can we do for you ladies?"
Cherry and Mir smile evilly. Cherry looks Clark up and down. "Well Mr. Kent, you can start by striping that shirt off."
Clark's eyes go wide and he begins to blush. "What?"
"You heard me, strip farm boy."
Clark backs away uneasily. "Ummmm."
Lex tries to swallow down laughter. "Should we leave?"
Mir smirks. "Your next, my bald sexy sugar plumb."
Pete chimes in. "Do what she says Clark. This might be the only time this year you have a chance on getting some."
Cherry rolls her eyes. "You men have your minds in the gutter." She holds up an identical shirt to the one Clark has on. "Mr. Kent, you have been complaining about your wardrobe and I'm here to fix it."
Clark's face if filled with relief. "Thank you. I know the budget is tight for wardrobe but it really makes me feel better to be able to dress in my size. I know you said that bigger shirts cost more but I feel more comfortable in XL instead of L." He tugs down at the bottom of his shirt. "And this one makes my belly button show when I raise my arms."
Cherry and Mir smile knowingly and evilly. "We know."
Clark smiles brightly. Then his face drops as he realizes that Cherry probably made the shirt short for that reason. Clark blushes even more brightly now. "Right."
Cherry nudges Mir. "You take Fancy Pants Luthor and I'll take The Clark Bar."
Mir rubs her hand together. "Then we'll switch."
They both rub their hands together. "Mwahahahahahahaha!!" Then they get to work.
Mir finally notices Dr. Hamilton who has latched onto her leg and is kissing it worshipingly. "What the hell are you doing?"
Hamilton meets her eyes in adoration. "You are the first Black Woman I've seen in two years! I want to worship you, you magnificent Black African Goddess!"
Mir slaps him up side the head. "Get your hands off me! Didn't your mama teach you better than to maul unsuspecting women?" She smacks him again. "And I ain't no Black African Goddess! I'm a Black West Indian Goddess, FOOL!!"
Hamilton clutches on to her ankle and kisses it madly. "But I must have you!!"
Mir is trying to keep her balance while slapping Dr. Hamilton. Her ghetto accent becomes more pronounced. "You crazy!! Crazy Black Man! Crazy Black Man! Don't you dare mess up my shoes! I'll cut ya!!"
"Take me! Take me NOW!!!"
Mir gets out a hairbrush and shouts her war cry. "BLACK RAGE!!!!!!!" She begins to beat Dr. Hamilton with it.
Hamilton refuses to let go and grasps Mir's leg even more tightly. Clark quickly intervenes and drags Dr. Hamilton off Mir. Hamilton tries to fight Clark but Clark punches him and he goes limp.
Pete grimaces distastefully down at Dr. Hamilton. "And that is why this Black Man is tied down."
Mir is breathing heavily as she putts up her hairbrush. She smiles sweetly at Clark and licks her lips. "Why thank you my big strong manly man."
Clark gulps and smiles sheepishly. "Your welcome."
Mir then turns to a slightly startled Lex and smiles devilishly. "Your head looks shinny. You need another base coat Boo." She advances on him while pulling out the needed items from her makeup bag.
Lex slightly backs away. "No offence, Mauhr, but I have issues about people touching my head."
"I know." Mir then puts Lex in a chokehold and begins applying base.
Lex gags and raises his hands to Mir's arm around his neck. "Your . . . Choking . . . . Me!" After a few moments he stops, noticing her gentle application of make up. "You know, this isn't too bad. I should have women touch my head more often."
"Uhh Huuh."
Lex squirms a little. "You know, you can let go of my neck now."
"Hush Boo."
"Yes Ma'am."
Cherry pokes Clark in the ribs producing a startled gasp. "Off with your shirt Super Hottie."
"OK." Clark takes off his shirt.
Cherry shivers. "OOOOOO!! That is one fine piece of man flesh." Clark nervously eyes Cherry and wraps his arms protectively around himself. Cherry shakes herself out of her trance and hands him the shirt.
Clark accepts it thankfully. He glances at the shirt tag and knits his eyebrows. "Um, Cherry, the tag looks weird. It says it's an XL but it looks like it's hand written and it looks like the real size was scratched out."
Cherry shrugs innocently. "I don't know what you're talking about. It's probably the style of the company. Just try it on."
Clark putts the shirt on. It is slightly tighter than the other shirt. Clark blushes and pulls down on the bottom of the shirt, which is slightly showing some skin. "Um I think this is a M not an XL."
Mir cackles evilly as she applies mascara to a now free and flirting Lex. "It couldn't possibly be a M, Cherry and I picked it out ourselves." To Lex. "Look up for me Boo."
Lex raises his eyebrows as he complies. "But that would mean I would have to take my eyes off you. I might go blind without the light in your eyes."
Mir giggles girlishly and slaps his shoulder playfully. "Oh, you lady killer! Shut up!"
Lex smiles devilishly. "No. You shut up."
"You shut up."
"You shut up."
Lionel covers his ears at Lex's and Mir's "Cooing" and growls angrily. "Both of you shut up!!! I can't stand hearing my son being HAPPY let alone hearing him flirt with someone I will probably end up seducing anyway. You've disappointed me Lex!"
Mir turns on Lionel and slaps him hard across the cheek. "Shut your mouth fool!!"
Lex gazes dreamily at Mir. "You are amazing."
Clark's mouth drops open. "OK, now I'm really freaked out."
Cherry pats him on the shoulder. "Don't worry Clark Bar. We're artists. We're naturally eccentric. Try this shirt on it may look better."
"OK. But I would just think if you two were . . . I don't know . . . well . . . I just think that you should be a little more professional, and show a little less . . . sexual harassment." Pete, Lionel, Lex, Cherry and Mir burst into laughter. "Did I say something funny?"
Pete overcomes his giggles for a second. "And people wonder why Brother Man ain't getting any booty!"
Cherry, Lex and Mir respond in unison. "WORD!"
Lionel sneers. "Stupid F'ing farm boy. Lex, you should have picked someone better aka more evil, to be friends with. I'm disappointed in you."
Mir suddenly cries her war cry "Black Rage!" and drop kicks Lionel. Lionel crumples to the floor.
Lex stares at his father for a second, and then regards Mir. "I love it when women do that. It makes me feel slightly better about what happened between Victoria and him, not much, but some."
Mir shrugs. "He wasn't helping the plot Boo."
Clark is now shirtless again. "Do we even have a plot?"
Lex rolls his eyes. "Clark, you're my best friend. The only person in the world I trust with my life. With that said: We are being sexually harassed by two devastatingly beautiful women. One of witch is a Black Woman. Personally, that's plenty of plot for me. So, Shut! Up!"
"But . . ."
"Clark! I, like Dr. Hamilton, have not seen a Black Woman since I was banished to this charming cow town. Furthermore, this town offers nothing in the way of real women. In other words," Lex begins rapping. "I like big butts and I cannot lie." Clark, Mir, Cherry, and Pete stare blankly at Lex. Lex rolls his eyes and quickly changes the subject. "So, Cherry, do I get a tight sexy shirt like Clark?"
Cherry grins. "Yes Lex, you do." Cherry notices Clark is still shirtless. "You, put the shirt on." Clark obeys as Cherry appraises Lex's attire. She then quickly loosens Lex's tie and unbuttons the top button on his shirt, exposing his neck. She then steps back to admire her work. "Perfect."
Lex raises an eyebrow and swallows hard, moving his Adam's apple. Both Mir and Cherry shiver. "OOOOOOO!"
Mir pats Cherry on the back. "My friend. You are a genius."
Cherry nods in agreement. "I know."
"If only you could have done something with Whitney to make him look less . . . Whitney like."
"Mir, even geniuses have hopeless cases."
Lex looks very confused. "Um, ladies, I don't want to sound like a Pre- Madonna, but you just unbuttoned my shirt. What could possibly be sexy about that?"
Cherry looks horrified. "Lex, you are the Sex Demigod, you already ooze sex appeal far greater than any mortal man. If I were to expose any more skin, the pure sexiness of your pale bald flesh would put women across the world in to orgasmic seizures. Not only would it be not fair, but also husbands and boyfriends across the world would be very, Very jealous. I just couldn't, in good conscious, do that to the world."
Lex stares at Cherry for several moments. "Right."
Clark has the shirt over his head. It is covering his arms and head with only his hands and mouth sticking out and is struggling to get it all the way on. It looks as if the shirt is way too tight. "Um . . . Ladies? I can't get the shirt on, and I think I'm stuck."
Cherry holds back giggles. "Let me help." She reaches up to the shirt but is unable to reach it. She gets an idea and smirks evilly. "On your knees Superman!"
Clark freezes. "What?!"
Mir smirks. "The things you hear when you don't have a gun."
Lex smirks too. "Or an alibi."
Cherry rolls her eyes. "You heard me, On your knees Superman!"
Clark tries to back away. "Ummm . . . ."
Mir runs a finger over Lex's jaw line. "You know, you're hot when you're evil."
Lex grins at Mir. "So are you."
Cherry barely manages to keep Clark from bumping into a table. "Cark, your like six foot six, I am four foot nine. I can barely reach your waist let alone help you put a shirt on. So you need to kneel down for me."
Clark stops struggling. "Oh, OK."
As Clark kneels for Cherry, she grasps the shirt and pulls down using all her strength. "What did you think I was talking about?"
Clark's voice is now muffled by the shirt. "Nothing."
Lex and Mir are now inches away from each other. Their mouths meet and they begin kissing furiously. Slurping sounds can be heard.
Clark shifts uneasily on his knees as Cherry uses all her weight to pull the shirt down. "Um, what's that slurping sound?"
Cherry replies distractedly. "Mir and Lex are sucking each others faces off."
"Oh."
Cherry manages to pull the shirt over Clark's head. It's very tight. "There we go."
Clark huffs disappointedly and tries to pull down the skintight shirt over his mid drift. "Cherry, this shirt is tighter than all the others."
Cherry tries to keep from smirking. "Funny, the tag said it was an XL."
Clark furrows his eyebrows and snaps at Cherry. "Well it's obviously not."
Cherry just stares at Clark for a few seconds and then bursts into o-so- fake tears. "I'm sorry . . . I tried to make you happy . . . all I want is for you to look good . . ."
Clark immediately goes into Clark-hero mode. He wraps his arms around Cherry and pats her head soothingly. "Don't cry. Please don't cry."
"I . . . have to spend . . . all of the . . . wardrobe budget . . . on . . . Lex's expensive suits . . . and that . . . only leaves me with . . . fifty bucks . . . for the rest of the cast . . . I just spent . . . half of it . . . on your yellow T-Shirt . . . that you hate!!!!"
"I don't hate it. Please stop crying. Pete, how do I make her stop crying?"
Pete shrugs. "Compliment her?"
"Cherry you have very nice . . . hair."
Cherry just wails louder. "I'm a horrible . . . costumer! . . . I can't do anything right . . . I'm a failure . . . and . . . a loser!!!!"
Clark begins to panic. "No, Cherry. Your not a loser. Just please stop crying."
Lex and Mir have untangled themselves from each other and are staring at the spectacle. Lex crosses his arms and is trying desperately not to smirk. He fails miserably. "Clark did you make the nice Wardrobe lady cry?"
Mir shakes her head. "And to think, I actually thought you were the good guy."
Lex shakes his head too. "Clark, I'm supposed to be the evil one and I didn't make her cry. What could you have possibly said to cause such a sweet woman to cry?"
Clark is lost for words. "Nothing! All I said was I wanted a bigger shirt." This produces a sudden wail from Cherry. Clark's face fills in desperate panic. "How do I make her stop crying?!!"
Lex acts matter-of-factly. "Do what ever she wants."
"OK." Cherry is now whimpering quietly. "Um, Cherry, I'm sorry I upset you. I think you are a great costumer. Please stop crying."
Cherry shakes her head. "You don't like your T-Shirt. All I want is for you to look good!"
"OK, OK. I'll stop complaining about the T-Shirt. What ever you want me to have on, I will have on."
Cherry sniffs back tears. "Really?"
"Really."
"Promise?"
"I Promise."
Cherry immediately stops crying and smiles brightly. "OK."
Clark becomes immediately suspicious. "Did you fake crying so I would agree to your tight shirt demands?"
Cherry grins. "Yup."
Clark sighs. "Your evil."
Cherry shrugs. "You don't become the Wardrobe Mistress by giving into actors demands for modesty."
During the past few minuets, Dr. Hamilton regained consciousness and slowly made his way to one of his tables that has a big container of liquid meteor rock extract, his own recipe, in it. Hamilton is very angry at Clark for taking him away from his Black West Indian Goddess and is out for revenge. He tosses the container at Clark and cackles evilly when the container breaks and drenches Clark in the liquid meteor rock extract, his own recipe. "Take that Super Freak!!! Bwahahahahahahahahaah!!"
Clark is horrified and braces himself for the meteor rocks to take effect. Nothing happens. Clark looks puzzled. "Why am I not writhing in agony?"
Pete rolls his eyes. "Because the special effects are on the fritz."
Clark raises his eyebrows and half smiles. "Damn I'm lucky."
Cherry stares horrified at the green tinted yellow shirt. "My masterpiece. It's ruined."
Clark looks like he's about to panic. "Your not going to start crying again, are you?"
Rage suddenly fills Cherry's eyes. She whirls on Dr. Hamilton and begins to slap him repeatedly. "You ruined my masterpiece! You evil man! I'm going to Bitch slap you, Pimp slap you and Bitch slap you Again. No one F's with my Costumes, Biotch!"
Dr. Hamilton tries to shield himself from Cherry but fails miserably. "Don't beat the Crazy Black Man! I'm a minority! Rodney King!! Rodney King!! Black Man getting beat down!!"
Suddenly, several Black People file into the lab/barn. They are all dressed in business suits and do not look happy. One man steps forward. "WE were just passing by on our way to a boycott when WE heard the tortured screams of a Black Man getting unfairly beaten by white oppressors. WE have come to offer our assistance by boycotting something, or complaining loudly."
Cherry crosses her arms. "And just who are you?"
The man puffs out his chest. "WE are the NAACP."
Mir and Pete snort laughter. Mir snaps her fingers in the "Z" formation. "Stand back! The NAACP is in the house. Careful! Or they might boycott something!!!" she waves her hands mockingly. "OOOOOOOO!!"
Pete inclines his chin. "Word."
The man glares at Pete. "WE are the only reason you are even on this show. If it weren't for affirmative action, you would be a geeky white guy, not a geeky Black Man."
Pete furrows his eyebrows in anger. "All you guys do is boycott or arrange sit ins. The Black Panthers are why the Black People have any rights at all. They rely on action to get their point across."
Suddenly several other Black People file in. They are all dressed in army gear and have war paint on their faces. A woman steps forward. "We got an emergency alert in the Black Panther Mobile that a Black Man was using the secret code to cry for help."
The man snorts in trump. "WE are taking care of it."
The woman raises an eyebrow. "What are you going to do? Protest?"
"If necessary. "
The woman smirks sarcastically. "Well golly! We would have been here sooner but we had to threaten a politician because he said happy Klanzaa instead of Kwanzaa. And this is Kansas."
"WE already staged a sit in at his home."
"Which he doesn't live in."
"Still."
Clark shrinks behind Cherry. "I'm scared. I've never seen this many Black People in one place before."
Cherry looks puzzled. "And you think I'm going to protect you? Your Clark Kent. You should be protecting me."
The long forgotten Lionel stirs on the floor. "What the hell is going on? Lex, you've disappointed me."
Lex's mouth drops open. "I didn't do anything!"
Lionel shrugs. "Yes, but I have an entire episode of being warm and fuzzy to make up for!"
The people from the NAACP and the Black Panthers back away from Lionel. The woman pulls out a gun from somewhere and points it at Lionel. "It's Whitey!!!"
Lionel looks around puzzled. "Who the hell is that?"
"It's Latishia from the Black Panthers."
The man pips up. "And the NAACP!"
Lionel sighs heavily. "Lex, how did two Black People groups get into Smallville at the same time? This is all your fault! I'm disappointed in you."
Mir slaps Lionel upside the head. "Don't make me drop kick you again!!"
"I'm blind. It's cruel to drop kick a disabled man."
Latishia still has the gun pointed at Lionel. "Yes but your Whitey. You've been oppressing our people for generations and it is our duty to kill Whitey."
Every Black Person in the room and Cherry raise there fists and shout. "Kill Whitey."
Clark is still behind Cherry. "Um I don't want to get shot or anything, but I'm kind of uneducated in Black culture and, well, I have no idea what you are talking about."
"I believe I can explain it to you." Every one turns to the lab/barn opening and there stands Samuel L. Jackson. He is dressed in a thirties stile dress shirt, complete with vest and pocket watch, and a kilt. He strolls forward through the other Black People, and strikes a manly pose beside Cherry and Clark. "The Deities sent me to enlighten you and any other uninformed person about Whitey."
The man from the NAACP puffs his chest out. "WE do not recognize the authority of The Deities. They have Black Cabana Boys which is clearly a form of slavery which WE are opposed to."
Samuel glares at the man. "We are not Cabana Boys! We are willing members in an elite organization of extremely talented and/or good-looking men! You are just angry because you are neither talented nor good looking and you don't want anyone else to have any fun!"
Pete clears his throat. "I would just like to state for the record, I am a Cabana Boy and proud of it."
Clark furrows his eyebrows. "Pete? You know the Deities?"
"Damn right! When I'm not on screen I'm fanning them or feeding them grapes or running around the world being a Black Superhero."
"But I thought you were my side kick."
"Do you think I would agree to be in a Podunk town with little to no lines if I had no other means to amuse myself? Clark man, I ain't that stupid a Black man."
"So, if you're a Black Superhero and a Cabana Boy to the Deities, why are you in Smallville?"
Pete rolls his eyes. "Because, they needed someone to watch your back."
"Oh."
The man from the NAACP huffs in anger. "This will not stand. WE will protest Smallville and Boycott all of Samuel L. Jackson's movies!"
Samuel snorts. "Is that supposed to scare me?"
"Yes."
"Well, it doesn't!" This stops the man dead in his tracks. He looks as if it is strange for someone not to be scared when the NAACP threatens him or her. Samuel rolls his eyes ant turns back to Clark. "Where was I? Oh yes, Whitey, aka The Man, Honkie, the oppressor of the minorities, and several other unscrupulous names. Most of the time Whitey is a White Man, or White Woman, they live the all American life, either as a Good Old Boy or as a corporate dictator."
Clark's eyes go wide and he audibly gulps. "OK, now I'm really scared."
Samuel raises an eyebrow. "Why?"
Lex answers for him. "Because that just happens to match the profile for all four White People in this room which has numerous Black People in it all shouting Kill Whitey. Several of these people also have guns."
Samuel chuckles heartily before answering. "Lex that's only a ruff outline. There are other qualifying factors. In fact, you, Clark and Cherry are all not considered Whitey."
Clark raises his hand timidly. "How so?"
"Well, Cherry is best friends with Mir, that automatically takes her out of the Whitey possibility. Plus she's a short cute blond girl." "And Lex and me?"
"Obviously, your gay lovers. Whitey hates all minorities, gays included."
Clark and Lex's jaws drop to the floor at the same time. They stare at Samuel in shocked disbelief. Lex finally manages to shout. "What?!!?!?!?!"
Samuel looks confused. "You know, Gay Lovers. Man on Man action."
Clark is now squeezing Cherry like a teddy bear and looks very confused. "I'm too young to know what that means."
Lionel growls angrily. "Lex . . . your Gay? I'm disappointed in you!"
Lex ignores his father. "I'm not gay, and Clark and I are not gay lovers!"
Samuel scratches his head. "But you guys have been eyeing each other for the past two years. I know you can't really show anything since it is a family show and you two are national icons but we figured that you two 'got it on' off screen."
Lex shakes his head. "Clark is my friend. We're not Gay Lovers."
Clark is still holding onto Cherry. "I like Lana."
Suddenly Lana bursts in and is crying up a storm. "Whitney is missing in action. Boo Hoo!"
Every one stares blankly at her. Clark raises an eyebrow. "Um, Lana . . . "
Lex cuts him off. "This is the wrong F'ing episode you Stupid Bitch!" Lana stares in horror at Lex. It looks like she's on the verge of tears. "Go Away!!!"
Lana squeaks and runs out of the room. Pete regards Lex. "You really don't like Lana do you Lex?"
Lex grins evilly. "How could you tell?"
Samuel sighs heavily. "This is not good. Lex, if your not Gay, they you are Whitey."
Clark hugs Cherry tighter. He looks like a scared puppy that is about to be kicked. "Does that mean I'm Whitey too?"
"No, you are an alien and the Ultimate Immigrant. If nothing else, you are an endangered species because there is only one of you. Whitey would want to kill you or keep you in a lab and do experiments on you." Samuel looks pointedly at Lex. "Gee, I wonder who that describes?"
Lex gets defensive. "Clark is my friend. I would never try to kill him. Now, make a Kryptonite monster to kill him for me, that's a whole other subject."
Samuel stares blankly at Lex. "Riiight."
Lex sighs in exasperation. "Great. First I'm the spawn of Satan, now I'm Whitey. The universe is just wanting me to become evil."
The man From the NAACP clears his throat. "Your also bald which makes you a skin head."
"Wonderful!"
Samuel raises an eyebrow. "I never said you were the spawn on Satan."
Lionel smiles devilishly. "No, but I'm Lucifer, Satan, The Devil. Lex is my son which makes him the spawn of Satan."
Samuel makes a face. "Well that sucks."
Lex nods. "Tell me about it."
"The cards keep staking up against you Lex."
Clark raises his hand again. "But Whitey is suppose to be racist. Lex was making out with Mir. That would mean that he's not racist and not Whitey."
The man from the NAACP turns red with anger. "You've been stealing our women too? WE are going to launch a full boycott of all Lex Corp. materials!"
Lex sighs. "Thanks Clark."
Mir snaps her fingers angrily at the man. "I don't know what your talking about fool but I ain't no ones woman!"
Samuel furrows his eyebrows at Lex. "You've been getting it on with Mir?"
Lex shrugs. He acts as if he couldn't get into any more trouble than he already is in. "The darker the berry the sweeter the juice."
Samuel chuckles heartily. "Boy. If you can remember little known phrases like that then you all right!"
The man from the NAACP growls. "But he's bald!!!"
"Well so are you! Sit Dowwwwn NAACP man!"
Latisha is playing with her gun. "Hey Ya'll, I don't know why the rest of you are hear but we were only in the area to watch the only scene with two Black People in it."
The man snorts. "So are WE. WE got here first so back off Kitties."
All of the Black Panther members got out their guns and cocked them. Latisha growls with distaste. "Make us pork chop!"
Suddenly, Jesse Jackson comes threw the hole in the wall. He begins preaching. "Brothers and sisters! We should not be fighting amongst our selves, but united. This is a historic event in Smallville. We are the biggest congregation of Black People that has ever graced this town. Let us rejoice and be glad!"
Every one on the room just stares blankly at Jesse. Lionel breaks the silence with a growl. "Great, not only are the NAACP, the Black Panthers and Samuel L. Jackson hear, but now I have to deal with Jesse Jackson too. Lex I'm disappointed in you."
Jesse smiles evilly. "Back off fuzzy. I have friends in higher places than you."
Mir rolls her eyes. "Jesse, since you're here for no apparent reason, could you tell us just what exactly it is you do?"
There is a long silence. Jesse chuckles and smiles like a used car sales man. "Oh golly! Look at the time. I'm due in Atlanta for another court date. See ya'll latter." And with that Jesses Jackson was gone.
Mir smirks. "Works every time."
Suddenly, Clark falls to the ground and begins to have seizures. Pete gapes at his twitching friend. "Oh no! The Special Effects are back on and Clark is covered with liquid meteor rock extract!"
Dr. Hamilton smirks. "My own recipe. Mwahahahaha!"
Lex makes a faces. "But we abandoned the plot line long ago. The Special Effects should not even be on."
Cherry thinks for a moment and then huffs angrily. She begins yelling at the ceiling. "Holio Jasper Blackheart! You stop tormenting the characters this instant!!"
Samuel lifts an eyebrow. "Girl. You Crazy."
Several demons fall from the sky. They barely miss Cherry and latch on to Lex. He yells and begins hitting the demons. Mir gets out her hairbrush and helps. Cherry gets even madder. "Don't make me come up there!" One last demon falls on Cherry. She manages to get the demon off her. She growls and stalks out of the room. Struggling noises can be heard. Then, Clark stops twitching. Cherry walks back into the room smiling brightly and patting her hands together.
Lex and Mir manage to get the last demon off. Lex looks outraged. "I'm going to kill that man!"
Mir suddenly begins speaking in a very refined voice. "That is not possible. You see, Holio, Cherry and Myself live in a different reality than you and Clark do. Therefore it is very hazardous to murder him. To do so would create a rift in the space time continuum thus destroying the entire universe."
"Well, that sucks."
Mir drops back into 'ghetto'. "Word Boo. Ain't life a bitch?"
Samuel is just staring at them in disbelief. "So . . . . What about the plot?"
Clark and Lex look puzzled. "What plot?"
NEXT TIME ON SMALLVILLE . . . .
Authors note: sorry it took so long getting this out. But have no fear, Pete The Black Super Hero is here. This one is for Pete, though he, as always, has little to no lines. Plus, Clark was SO stealing all the scenes with his o-so-tight T-Shirts. Needless to say, with Clark, Lex AND Pete, the plot line is completely forgotten. (Shivers, "Oooooooooo!") Thanks for the R&R and enjoy!! **************************************************************************** ***********
Dr. Hamilton waved the needle menacingly at Pete. "If you don't tell me who owns that ship I will inject you with pure liquid meteor rock extract, my own recipe."
Pete puffs up his chest in defiance. "You can stick that thing where ever you want too, but I'm still not going to tell you. Biotch!!"
COMERTIAL . . . . . . . . . .
Somewhere in the Galaxy two Deities are NOT HAPPY.
"ARRRRRRRRR! I hate commercials! Fast-forward it! Fast-forward it!"
"The remote wont work!!!! Blast it!!!"
"What is the use of being Goddesses if we can't even control the F'ing TV?"
"Because Producers and evil people run the TV. Even we are powerless against the evil forces of Producers and their money."
"ARRRRRRRRRR!"
"ARRRRRRRRRR!"
END COMERTIAL . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Dr. Hamilton holds the needle menacingly. He slowly moves the needle towards Pete's neck. Nothing happens. Dr. Hamilton sighs. Obviously, he expected something to happen.
Pete glares at the doctor. "What are you waiting for? Are you going to inject me with the meteor liquid extract or not?"
Hamilton points a twitching hand accusingly at Pete and then at the door. "Someone missed their cue!"
From outside a sudden curse is heard. Clark's voice drifts in through the wall. "Sorry!"
Hamilton turns back to Pete and brandishes the needle menacingly. He shouts so that Clark can hear from outside. "END COMERTIAL! Dr. Hamilton slowly brings the needle closer to Pete's neck!"
The wall of the lab/barn bursts open, spewing large shards of wood all over the lab. Clark enters and glares at Dr. Hamilton. "Let him go you Bad Bad Man!!!"
Hamilton does a standard Bad Guy glare, with a hint of crazy. "Not until he tells me what he knows!! Black Men should not lie to each other when they are in a state like Kansas."
Pete tries desperately to move his neck out of Dr. Hamilton's reach. "Yeah. But you're a crazy Black Man! You don't count!"
"We are the only Black Men in the town. Well, we are the only ones who have any airtime at any rate! We should stick together, not tare each other down!"
"Says the man who tied his fellow Back Man to a chair and is going to inject him with creepy green stuff!"
Hamilton growls and tries to steady his hand so he can inject Pete. Clark squints his eyes and the needle begins to heat up. Suddenly the stream of fire sputters. Clark tries to keep it under control but instead, sets Pete on fire.
Pete's eyes bug out and he starts blowing on the flame attempting to put it out. "Black man on fire!"
Hamilton jumps back and then pats the fire out. "What the hell! Are you killing your friend so I don't have to? You know he's not going to tell me anything. No use in finishing him off for me."
Clark is squinting at the floor trying to make his eye rays work. "My eye rays! I can't get them to work any more. Did the special effects go out again?"
Hamilton throws his hands up in frustration and moans angrily. "I have never been so disgusted with anything in my whole life. I am a great personality; I can't work under these conditions! First you forget your entrance, and then the special effects stop working. What next?"
Clark shrugs. "I don't know. It IS a rerun."
Just then Lex and his father Lionel, and a few groupies draping off of Lex, enter through the hole in the lab/barn. Lex sees Clark, Pete, and Dr. Hamilton and stops dead in his tracks. Clark opens his mouth to say something as he glances worriedly back at the two Black Men.
Lex, however, beats him to it. "Dad, I think we are a little early."
Lionel scratches his chin thoughtfully. "Are the Set People not done moving the Space Ship your not supposed to see?"
Lex sighs heavily. "No. Pete is still tied up."
"Oh."
Hamilton flings his arms about like a mad man. "That doses it! I want to talk to my agent! Screw what the script says. I will not go into the coma and have to come back at a later date! I want it to end right now! This is now the scene where I die!"
Lex raises an eyebrow. "But I was looking forward to keeping you in my dungeon until you come out of your coma."
"Tough!!!!"
"Oo! Can I shoot you and claim self defense?"
Hamilton eyes Lex suspiciously. "No you can't."
"Damn."
Lionel interrupts. "Lex, you threaten to shoot people to often. I'm disappointed in you."
Lex mumbles under his breath. "So what else is new?"
Lionel continues as if Lex hadn't said anything. "If you were stronger you would not threaten people with death, you would threaten them with something more painful, like sacrificing their newborn baby to the Gods of Capitalism. That whole incident at Club Zero is at fault. If you hadn't shot that man, then you would not threaten people idly. When will you ever learn, my Bald Freak of a son?"
Lex swallows a lump of anger down, trying to repress it. "You call that trying to make amends with your son?"
Lionel smiles wolfishly. "I try."
A blonde head pops in the hole in the wall of the lab/barn and smiles slightly mischievously at the people inside. "Are you guys at a stopping point? Mir and I need to do touchups."
The men in the room look questioningly at each other and all of them nod in approval.
The blonde's smile gets bigger. She calls a "Hey Mir!" and then steps into the lab/barn. Several pieces of clothing are draped over her arm and she has an apron with large pockets on. She stands in the middle of the room, seeming to be apprising the men. Another woman joins her and is carrying along a makeup bag.
Hamilton notices the woman with the makeup bag. His mouth drops open in pure astonishment. "A BLACK WOMAN!!" He then falls to his knees beside her and begins to kiss her feet. She doesn't seem to notice him.
Clark eyes the two women suspiciously but he's obviously interested in them. "So do you mind if I ask you who you guys are?"
The Blonde smiles sweetly but evilly. "Sure. I am Cherry Winters, the Wardrobe Mistress, and this is Mir Jenkins, the Makeup Goddess.
Mir inclines her head, ignoring Dr. Hamilton at her feet. She has a "ghetto" accent. "It's pronounced Mauhr, but its spelled Mir."
Clark raises an eyebrow and makes a face as if he didn't get the connection between the pronouncing and spelling of Mir's name. He then shrugs and accepts it. "Cool. What can we do for you ladies?"
Cherry and Mir smile evilly. Cherry looks Clark up and down. "Well Mr. Kent, you can start by striping that shirt off."
Clark's eyes go wide and he begins to blush. "What?"
"You heard me, strip farm boy."
Clark backs away uneasily. "Ummmm."
Lex tries to swallow down laughter. "Should we leave?"
Mir smirks. "Your next, my bald sexy sugar plumb."
Pete chimes in. "Do what she says Clark. This might be the only time this year you have a chance on getting some."
Cherry rolls her eyes. "You men have your minds in the gutter." She holds up an identical shirt to the one Clark has on. "Mr. Kent, you have been complaining about your wardrobe and I'm here to fix it."
Clark's face if filled with relief. "Thank you. I know the budget is tight for wardrobe but it really makes me feel better to be able to dress in my size. I know you said that bigger shirts cost more but I feel more comfortable in XL instead of L." He tugs down at the bottom of his shirt. "And this one makes my belly button show when I raise my arms."
Cherry and Mir smile knowingly and evilly. "We know."
Clark smiles brightly. Then his face drops as he realizes that Cherry probably made the shirt short for that reason. Clark blushes even more brightly now. "Right."
Cherry nudges Mir. "You take Fancy Pants Luthor and I'll take The Clark Bar."
Mir rubs her hand together. "Then we'll switch."
They both rub their hands together. "Mwahahahahahahaha!!" Then they get to work.
Mir finally notices Dr. Hamilton who has latched onto her leg and is kissing it worshipingly. "What the hell are you doing?"
Hamilton meets her eyes in adoration. "You are the first Black Woman I've seen in two years! I want to worship you, you magnificent Black African Goddess!"
Mir slaps him up side the head. "Get your hands off me! Didn't your mama teach you better than to maul unsuspecting women?" She smacks him again. "And I ain't no Black African Goddess! I'm a Black West Indian Goddess, FOOL!!"
Hamilton clutches on to her ankle and kisses it madly. "But I must have you!!"
Mir is trying to keep her balance while slapping Dr. Hamilton. Her ghetto accent becomes more pronounced. "You crazy!! Crazy Black Man! Crazy Black Man! Don't you dare mess up my shoes! I'll cut ya!!"
"Take me! Take me NOW!!!"
Mir gets out a hairbrush and shouts her war cry. "BLACK RAGE!!!!!!!" She begins to beat Dr. Hamilton with it.
Hamilton refuses to let go and grasps Mir's leg even more tightly. Clark quickly intervenes and drags Dr. Hamilton off Mir. Hamilton tries to fight Clark but Clark punches him and he goes limp.
Pete grimaces distastefully down at Dr. Hamilton. "And that is why this Black Man is tied down."
Mir is breathing heavily as she putts up her hairbrush. She smiles sweetly at Clark and licks her lips. "Why thank you my big strong manly man."
Clark gulps and smiles sheepishly. "Your welcome."
Mir then turns to a slightly startled Lex and smiles devilishly. "Your head looks shinny. You need another base coat Boo." She advances on him while pulling out the needed items from her makeup bag.
Lex slightly backs away. "No offence, Mauhr, but I have issues about people touching my head."
"I know." Mir then puts Lex in a chokehold and begins applying base.
Lex gags and raises his hands to Mir's arm around his neck. "Your . . . Choking . . . . Me!" After a few moments he stops, noticing her gentle application of make up. "You know, this isn't too bad. I should have women touch my head more often."
"Uhh Huuh."
Lex squirms a little. "You know, you can let go of my neck now."
"Hush Boo."
"Yes Ma'am."
Cherry pokes Clark in the ribs producing a startled gasp. "Off with your shirt Super Hottie."
"OK." Clark takes off his shirt.
Cherry shivers. "OOOOOO!! That is one fine piece of man flesh." Clark nervously eyes Cherry and wraps his arms protectively around himself. Cherry shakes herself out of her trance and hands him the shirt.
Clark accepts it thankfully. He glances at the shirt tag and knits his eyebrows. "Um, Cherry, the tag looks weird. It says it's an XL but it looks like it's hand written and it looks like the real size was scratched out."
Cherry shrugs innocently. "I don't know what you're talking about. It's probably the style of the company. Just try it on."
Clark putts the shirt on. It is slightly tighter than the other shirt. Clark blushes and pulls down on the bottom of the shirt, which is slightly showing some skin. "Um I think this is a M not an XL."
Mir cackles evilly as she applies mascara to a now free and flirting Lex. "It couldn't possibly be a M, Cherry and I picked it out ourselves." To Lex. "Look up for me Boo."
Lex raises his eyebrows as he complies. "But that would mean I would have to take my eyes off you. I might go blind without the light in your eyes."
Mir giggles girlishly and slaps his shoulder playfully. "Oh, you lady killer! Shut up!"
Lex smiles devilishly. "No. You shut up."
"You shut up."
"You shut up."
Lionel covers his ears at Lex's and Mir's "Cooing" and growls angrily. "Both of you shut up!!! I can't stand hearing my son being HAPPY let alone hearing him flirt with someone I will probably end up seducing anyway. You've disappointed me Lex!"
Mir turns on Lionel and slaps him hard across the cheek. "Shut your mouth fool!!"
Lex gazes dreamily at Mir. "You are amazing."
Clark's mouth drops open. "OK, now I'm really freaked out."
Cherry pats him on the shoulder. "Don't worry Clark Bar. We're artists. We're naturally eccentric. Try this shirt on it may look better."
"OK. But I would just think if you two were . . . I don't know . . . well . . . I just think that you should be a little more professional, and show a little less . . . sexual harassment." Pete, Lionel, Lex, Cherry and Mir burst into laughter. "Did I say something funny?"
Pete overcomes his giggles for a second. "And people wonder why Brother Man ain't getting any booty!"
Cherry, Lex and Mir respond in unison. "WORD!"
Lionel sneers. "Stupid F'ing farm boy. Lex, you should have picked someone better aka more evil, to be friends with. I'm disappointed in you."
Mir suddenly cries her war cry "Black Rage!" and drop kicks Lionel. Lionel crumples to the floor.
Lex stares at his father for a second, and then regards Mir. "I love it when women do that. It makes me feel slightly better about what happened between Victoria and him, not much, but some."
Mir shrugs. "He wasn't helping the plot Boo."
Clark is now shirtless again. "Do we even have a plot?"
Lex rolls his eyes. "Clark, you're my best friend. The only person in the world I trust with my life. With that said: We are being sexually harassed by two devastatingly beautiful women. One of witch is a Black Woman. Personally, that's plenty of plot for me. So, Shut! Up!"
"But . . ."
"Clark! I, like Dr. Hamilton, have not seen a Black Woman since I was banished to this charming cow town. Furthermore, this town offers nothing in the way of real women. In other words," Lex begins rapping. "I like big butts and I cannot lie." Clark, Mir, Cherry, and Pete stare blankly at Lex. Lex rolls his eyes and quickly changes the subject. "So, Cherry, do I get a tight sexy shirt like Clark?"
Cherry grins. "Yes Lex, you do." Cherry notices Clark is still shirtless. "You, put the shirt on." Clark obeys as Cherry appraises Lex's attire. She then quickly loosens Lex's tie and unbuttons the top button on his shirt, exposing his neck. She then steps back to admire her work. "Perfect."
Lex raises an eyebrow and swallows hard, moving his Adam's apple. Both Mir and Cherry shiver. "OOOOOOO!"
Mir pats Cherry on the back. "My friend. You are a genius."
Cherry nods in agreement. "I know."
"If only you could have done something with Whitney to make him look less . . . Whitney like."
"Mir, even geniuses have hopeless cases."
Lex looks very confused. "Um, ladies, I don't want to sound like a Pre- Madonna, but you just unbuttoned my shirt. What could possibly be sexy about that?"
Cherry looks horrified. "Lex, you are the Sex Demigod, you already ooze sex appeal far greater than any mortal man. If I were to expose any more skin, the pure sexiness of your pale bald flesh would put women across the world in to orgasmic seizures. Not only would it be not fair, but also husbands and boyfriends across the world would be very, Very jealous. I just couldn't, in good conscious, do that to the world."
Lex stares at Cherry for several moments. "Right."
Clark has the shirt over his head. It is covering his arms and head with only his hands and mouth sticking out and is struggling to get it all the way on. It looks as if the shirt is way too tight. "Um . . . Ladies? I can't get the shirt on, and I think I'm stuck."
Cherry holds back giggles. "Let me help." She reaches up to the shirt but is unable to reach it. She gets an idea and smirks evilly. "On your knees Superman!"
Clark freezes. "What?!"
Mir smirks. "The things you hear when you don't have a gun."
Lex smirks too. "Or an alibi."
Cherry rolls her eyes. "You heard me, On your knees Superman!"
Clark tries to back away. "Ummm . . . ."
Mir runs a finger over Lex's jaw line. "You know, you're hot when you're evil."
Lex grins at Mir. "So are you."
Cherry barely manages to keep Clark from bumping into a table. "Cark, your like six foot six, I am four foot nine. I can barely reach your waist let alone help you put a shirt on. So you need to kneel down for me."
Clark stops struggling. "Oh, OK."
As Clark kneels for Cherry, she grasps the shirt and pulls down using all her strength. "What did you think I was talking about?"
Clark's voice is now muffled by the shirt. "Nothing."
Lex and Mir are now inches away from each other. Their mouths meet and they begin kissing furiously. Slurping sounds can be heard.
Clark shifts uneasily on his knees as Cherry uses all her weight to pull the shirt down. "Um, what's that slurping sound?"
Cherry replies distractedly. "Mir and Lex are sucking each others faces off."
"Oh."
Cherry manages to pull the shirt over Clark's head. It's very tight. "There we go."
Clark huffs disappointedly and tries to pull down the skintight shirt over his mid drift. "Cherry, this shirt is tighter than all the others."
Cherry tries to keep from smirking. "Funny, the tag said it was an XL."
Clark furrows his eyebrows and snaps at Cherry. "Well it's obviously not."
Cherry just stares at Clark for a few seconds and then bursts into o-so- fake tears. "I'm sorry . . . I tried to make you happy . . . all I want is for you to look good . . ."
Clark immediately goes into Clark-hero mode. He wraps his arms around Cherry and pats her head soothingly. "Don't cry. Please don't cry."
"I . . . have to spend . . . all of the . . . wardrobe budget . . . on . . . Lex's expensive suits . . . and that . . . only leaves me with . . . fifty bucks . . . for the rest of the cast . . . I just spent . . . half of it . . . on your yellow T-Shirt . . . that you hate!!!!"
"I don't hate it. Please stop crying. Pete, how do I make her stop crying?"
Pete shrugs. "Compliment her?"
"Cherry you have very nice . . . hair."
Cherry just wails louder. "I'm a horrible . . . costumer! . . . I can't do anything right . . . I'm a failure . . . and . . . a loser!!!!"
Clark begins to panic. "No, Cherry. Your not a loser. Just please stop crying."
Lex and Mir have untangled themselves from each other and are staring at the spectacle. Lex crosses his arms and is trying desperately not to smirk. He fails miserably. "Clark did you make the nice Wardrobe lady cry?"
Mir shakes her head. "And to think, I actually thought you were the good guy."
Lex shakes his head too. "Clark, I'm supposed to be the evil one and I didn't make her cry. What could you have possibly said to cause such a sweet woman to cry?"
Clark is lost for words. "Nothing! All I said was I wanted a bigger shirt." This produces a sudden wail from Cherry. Clark's face fills in desperate panic. "How do I make her stop crying?!!"
Lex acts matter-of-factly. "Do what ever she wants."
"OK." Cherry is now whimpering quietly. "Um, Cherry, I'm sorry I upset you. I think you are a great costumer. Please stop crying."
Cherry shakes her head. "You don't like your T-Shirt. All I want is for you to look good!"
"OK, OK. I'll stop complaining about the T-Shirt. What ever you want me to have on, I will have on."
Cherry sniffs back tears. "Really?"
"Really."
"Promise?"
"I Promise."
Cherry immediately stops crying and smiles brightly. "OK."
Clark becomes immediately suspicious. "Did you fake crying so I would agree to your tight shirt demands?"
Cherry grins. "Yup."
Clark sighs. "Your evil."
Cherry shrugs. "You don't become the Wardrobe Mistress by giving into actors demands for modesty."
During the past few minuets, Dr. Hamilton regained consciousness and slowly made his way to one of his tables that has a big container of liquid meteor rock extract, his own recipe, in it. Hamilton is very angry at Clark for taking him away from his Black West Indian Goddess and is out for revenge. He tosses the container at Clark and cackles evilly when the container breaks and drenches Clark in the liquid meteor rock extract, his own recipe. "Take that Super Freak!!! Bwahahahahahahahahaah!!"
Clark is horrified and braces himself for the meteor rocks to take effect. Nothing happens. Clark looks puzzled. "Why am I not writhing in agony?"
Pete rolls his eyes. "Because the special effects are on the fritz."
Clark raises his eyebrows and half smiles. "Damn I'm lucky."
Cherry stares horrified at the green tinted yellow shirt. "My masterpiece. It's ruined."
Clark looks like he's about to panic. "Your not going to start crying again, are you?"
Rage suddenly fills Cherry's eyes. She whirls on Dr. Hamilton and begins to slap him repeatedly. "You ruined my masterpiece! You evil man! I'm going to Bitch slap you, Pimp slap you and Bitch slap you Again. No one F's with my Costumes, Biotch!"
Dr. Hamilton tries to shield himself from Cherry but fails miserably. "Don't beat the Crazy Black Man! I'm a minority! Rodney King!! Rodney King!! Black Man getting beat down!!"
Suddenly, several Black People file into the lab/barn. They are all dressed in business suits and do not look happy. One man steps forward. "WE were just passing by on our way to a boycott when WE heard the tortured screams of a Black Man getting unfairly beaten by white oppressors. WE have come to offer our assistance by boycotting something, or complaining loudly."
Cherry crosses her arms. "And just who are you?"
The man puffs out his chest. "WE are the NAACP."
Mir and Pete snort laughter. Mir snaps her fingers in the "Z" formation. "Stand back! The NAACP is in the house. Careful! Or they might boycott something!!!" she waves her hands mockingly. "OOOOOOOO!!"
Pete inclines his chin. "Word."
The man glares at Pete. "WE are the only reason you are even on this show. If it weren't for affirmative action, you would be a geeky white guy, not a geeky Black Man."
Pete furrows his eyebrows in anger. "All you guys do is boycott or arrange sit ins. The Black Panthers are why the Black People have any rights at all. They rely on action to get their point across."
Suddenly several other Black People file in. They are all dressed in army gear and have war paint on their faces. A woman steps forward. "We got an emergency alert in the Black Panther Mobile that a Black Man was using the secret code to cry for help."
The man snorts in trump. "WE are taking care of it."
The woman raises an eyebrow. "What are you going to do? Protest?"
"If necessary. "
The woman smirks sarcastically. "Well golly! We would have been here sooner but we had to threaten a politician because he said happy Klanzaa instead of Kwanzaa. And this is Kansas."
"WE already staged a sit in at his home."
"Which he doesn't live in."
"Still."
Clark shrinks behind Cherry. "I'm scared. I've never seen this many Black People in one place before."
Cherry looks puzzled. "And you think I'm going to protect you? Your Clark Kent. You should be protecting me."
The long forgotten Lionel stirs on the floor. "What the hell is going on? Lex, you've disappointed me."
Lex's mouth drops open. "I didn't do anything!"
Lionel shrugs. "Yes, but I have an entire episode of being warm and fuzzy to make up for!"
The people from the NAACP and the Black Panthers back away from Lionel. The woman pulls out a gun from somewhere and points it at Lionel. "It's Whitey!!!"
Lionel looks around puzzled. "Who the hell is that?"
"It's Latishia from the Black Panthers."
The man pips up. "And the NAACP!"
Lionel sighs heavily. "Lex, how did two Black People groups get into Smallville at the same time? This is all your fault! I'm disappointed in you."
Mir slaps Lionel upside the head. "Don't make me drop kick you again!!"
"I'm blind. It's cruel to drop kick a disabled man."
Latishia still has the gun pointed at Lionel. "Yes but your Whitey. You've been oppressing our people for generations and it is our duty to kill Whitey."
Every Black Person in the room and Cherry raise there fists and shout. "Kill Whitey."
Clark is still behind Cherry. "Um I don't want to get shot or anything, but I'm kind of uneducated in Black culture and, well, I have no idea what you are talking about."
"I believe I can explain it to you." Every one turns to the lab/barn opening and there stands Samuel L. Jackson. He is dressed in a thirties stile dress shirt, complete with vest and pocket watch, and a kilt. He strolls forward through the other Black People, and strikes a manly pose beside Cherry and Clark. "The Deities sent me to enlighten you and any other uninformed person about Whitey."
The man from the NAACP puffs his chest out. "WE do not recognize the authority of The Deities. They have Black Cabana Boys which is clearly a form of slavery which WE are opposed to."
Samuel glares at the man. "We are not Cabana Boys! We are willing members in an elite organization of extremely talented and/or good-looking men! You are just angry because you are neither talented nor good looking and you don't want anyone else to have any fun!"
Pete clears his throat. "I would just like to state for the record, I am a Cabana Boy and proud of it."
Clark furrows his eyebrows. "Pete? You know the Deities?"
"Damn right! When I'm not on screen I'm fanning them or feeding them grapes or running around the world being a Black Superhero."
"But I thought you were my side kick."
"Do you think I would agree to be in a Podunk town with little to no lines if I had no other means to amuse myself? Clark man, I ain't that stupid a Black man."
"So, if you're a Black Superhero and a Cabana Boy to the Deities, why are you in Smallville?"
Pete rolls his eyes. "Because, they needed someone to watch your back."
"Oh."
The man from the NAACP huffs in anger. "This will not stand. WE will protest Smallville and Boycott all of Samuel L. Jackson's movies!"
Samuel snorts. "Is that supposed to scare me?"
"Yes."
"Well, it doesn't!" This stops the man dead in his tracks. He looks as if it is strange for someone not to be scared when the NAACP threatens him or her. Samuel rolls his eyes ant turns back to Clark. "Where was I? Oh yes, Whitey, aka The Man, Honkie, the oppressor of the minorities, and several other unscrupulous names. Most of the time Whitey is a White Man, or White Woman, they live the all American life, either as a Good Old Boy or as a corporate dictator."
Clark's eyes go wide and he audibly gulps. "OK, now I'm really scared."
Samuel raises an eyebrow. "Why?"
Lex answers for him. "Because that just happens to match the profile for all four White People in this room which has numerous Black People in it all shouting Kill Whitey. Several of these people also have guns."
Samuel chuckles heartily before answering. "Lex that's only a ruff outline. There are other qualifying factors. In fact, you, Clark and Cherry are all not considered Whitey."
Clark raises his hand timidly. "How so?"
"Well, Cherry is best friends with Mir, that automatically takes her out of the Whitey possibility. Plus she's a short cute blond girl." "And Lex and me?"
"Obviously, your gay lovers. Whitey hates all minorities, gays included."
Clark and Lex's jaws drop to the floor at the same time. They stare at Samuel in shocked disbelief. Lex finally manages to shout. "What?!!?!?!?!"
Samuel looks confused. "You know, Gay Lovers. Man on Man action."
Clark is now squeezing Cherry like a teddy bear and looks very confused. "I'm too young to know what that means."
Lionel growls angrily. "Lex . . . your Gay? I'm disappointed in you!"
Lex ignores his father. "I'm not gay, and Clark and I are not gay lovers!"
Samuel scratches his head. "But you guys have been eyeing each other for the past two years. I know you can't really show anything since it is a family show and you two are national icons but we figured that you two 'got it on' off screen."
Lex shakes his head. "Clark is my friend. We're not Gay Lovers."
Clark is still holding onto Cherry. "I like Lana."
Suddenly Lana bursts in and is crying up a storm. "Whitney is missing in action. Boo Hoo!"
Every one stares blankly at her. Clark raises an eyebrow. "Um, Lana . . . "
Lex cuts him off. "This is the wrong F'ing episode you Stupid Bitch!" Lana stares in horror at Lex. It looks like she's on the verge of tears. "Go Away!!!"
Lana squeaks and runs out of the room. Pete regards Lex. "You really don't like Lana do you Lex?"
Lex grins evilly. "How could you tell?"
Samuel sighs heavily. "This is not good. Lex, if your not Gay, they you are Whitey."
Clark hugs Cherry tighter. He looks like a scared puppy that is about to be kicked. "Does that mean I'm Whitey too?"
"No, you are an alien and the Ultimate Immigrant. If nothing else, you are an endangered species because there is only one of you. Whitey would want to kill you or keep you in a lab and do experiments on you." Samuel looks pointedly at Lex. "Gee, I wonder who that describes?"
Lex gets defensive. "Clark is my friend. I would never try to kill him. Now, make a Kryptonite monster to kill him for me, that's a whole other subject."
Samuel stares blankly at Lex. "Riiight."
Lex sighs in exasperation. "Great. First I'm the spawn of Satan, now I'm Whitey. The universe is just wanting me to become evil."
The man From the NAACP clears his throat. "Your also bald which makes you a skin head."
"Wonderful!"
Samuel raises an eyebrow. "I never said you were the spawn on Satan."
Lionel smiles devilishly. "No, but I'm Lucifer, Satan, The Devil. Lex is my son which makes him the spawn of Satan."
Samuel makes a face. "Well that sucks."
Lex nods. "Tell me about it."
"The cards keep staking up against you Lex."
Clark raises his hand again. "But Whitey is suppose to be racist. Lex was making out with Mir. That would mean that he's not racist and not Whitey."
The man from the NAACP turns red with anger. "You've been stealing our women too? WE are going to launch a full boycott of all Lex Corp. materials!"
Lex sighs. "Thanks Clark."
Mir snaps her fingers angrily at the man. "I don't know what your talking about fool but I ain't no ones woman!"
Samuel furrows his eyebrows at Lex. "You've been getting it on with Mir?"
Lex shrugs. He acts as if he couldn't get into any more trouble than he already is in. "The darker the berry the sweeter the juice."
Samuel chuckles heartily. "Boy. If you can remember little known phrases like that then you all right!"
The man from the NAACP growls. "But he's bald!!!"
"Well so are you! Sit Dowwwwn NAACP man!"
Latisha is playing with her gun. "Hey Ya'll, I don't know why the rest of you are hear but we were only in the area to watch the only scene with two Black People in it."
The man snorts. "So are WE. WE got here first so back off Kitties."
All of the Black Panther members got out their guns and cocked them. Latisha growls with distaste. "Make us pork chop!"
Suddenly, Jesse Jackson comes threw the hole in the wall. He begins preaching. "Brothers and sisters! We should not be fighting amongst our selves, but united. This is a historic event in Smallville. We are the biggest congregation of Black People that has ever graced this town. Let us rejoice and be glad!"
Every one on the room just stares blankly at Jesse. Lionel breaks the silence with a growl. "Great, not only are the NAACP, the Black Panthers and Samuel L. Jackson hear, but now I have to deal with Jesse Jackson too. Lex I'm disappointed in you."
Jesse smiles evilly. "Back off fuzzy. I have friends in higher places than you."
Mir rolls her eyes. "Jesse, since you're here for no apparent reason, could you tell us just what exactly it is you do?"
There is a long silence. Jesse chuckles and smiles like a used car sales man. "Oh golly! Look at the time. I'm due in Atlanta for another court date. See ya'll latter." And with that Jesses Jackson was gone.
Mir smirks. "Works every time."
Suddenly, Clark falls to the ground and begins to have seizures. Pete gapes at his twitching friend. "Oh no! The Special Effects are back on and Clark is covered with liquid meteor rock extract!"
Dr. Hamilton smirks. "My own recipe. Mwahahahaha!"
Lex makes a faces. "But we abandoned the plot line long ago. The Special Effects should not even be on."
Cherry thinks for a moment and then huffs angrily. She begins yelling at the ceiling. "Holio Jasper Blackheart! You stop tormenting the characters this instant!!"
Samuel lifts an eyebrow. "Girl. You Crazy."
Several demons fall from the sky. They barely miss Cherry and latch on to Lex. He yells and begins hitting the demons. Mir gets out her hairbrush and helps. Cherry gets even madder. "Don't make me come up there!" One last demon falls on Cherry. She manages to get the demon off her. She growls and stalks out of the room. Struggling noises can be heard. Then, Clark stops twitching. Cherry walks back into the room smiling brightly and patting her hands together.
Lex and Mir manage to get the last demon off. Lex looks outraged. "I'm going to kill that man!"
Mir suddenly begins speaking in a very refined voice. "That is not possible. You see, Holio, Cherry and Myself live in a different reality than you and Clark do. Therefore it is very hazardous to murder him. To do so would create a rift in the space time continuum thus destroying the entire universe."
"Well, that sucks."
Mir drops back into 'ghetto'. "Word Boo. Ain't life a bitch?"
Samuel is just staring at them in disbelief. "So . . . . What about the plot?"
Clark and Lex look puzzled. "What plot?"
NEXT TIME ON SMALLVILLE . . . .
