I do not own anything in connection to Smallville, Mandy Moor, Kelly Osborn or anything else that might be owned by someone besides me. Everything else is my own weird imagination. Holio, however, is all mine! Mwahahahahahah!!

Author's note: The end holds some cracked out goodness. It's Smallville. It's a parody. Ninjas come out of nowhere all the time. Really.

Oh! Thanks for the R&R's. They keep me writing, so keep them coming. (Big sweet smile.)

*** Holio Blackheart, the Lord of Darkness (aka, The Script Supervisor.) is back with a vengeance!!!!! It should be noted, (I forgot to do this the last time Holio appeared) that Holio looks freakishly like Tobie Maguire. Because who else can look like a geeky white man and can still pull of such sex appeal? Also gives more dynamics to the Lex/Holio feud. Riiight.

Enjoy!!

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The Crazy Lady held up the axe to swing it at Lex. "Your father just killed you Lex!"

When Lex saw the axe, his mouth dropped open. "Oh Sh--!!" The Crazy Lady came closer to make the killing blow. Lex struggled furiously to free himself from his bonds. In all that panic he couldn't help but be a little sarcastic. "The axe is a little bit overkill don't you think?"

The Crazy Lady cackled. "I'm Crazy! Overkill is what I do best!"

"I thought my father was what you DO best!"

"Shut up and let me do my best impression of Johnny from The Shining!"

"Make me Bitch!"

The Crazy Lady gives a war cry and begins to swing the axe. Just in time, Lex manages to get his feet free and kick The Crazy Lady away from him. Unfortunately, he conveniently hits his head on several things and knocks himself out. An announcers voice fills the air. "Three guesses on what that means."

The Crazy Lady gets up and raises an eyebrow at the unconscious Lex. "Why does he always get knocked out?"

The announcer responds. "Because he can't see Clark rescue him. It would ruin the plot line and the Script Super . . . I mean the audience likes seeing him knocked out."

"Wouldn't getting knocked out so much cause permanent brain damage?"

"The show has hinted that he has quick healing abilities. If not, then at the very least they can use brain damage as one of the reasons Lex goes evil. By the way, aren't you suppose to be chopping him up like fire wood right now?"

"Oh, right"

The Crazy Lady begins to swing the axe down on Lex's body when a blur of color comes between the axe and Lex. The axe breaks into pieces and the blur runs into the wall. Now it can be seen that it is Clark, who has come to rescue his friend.

The Crazy Lady stares in horror at the broken axe and then at Clark. "I don't understand. How did you . . . Lucas . . . WHAT ARE YOU?"

Clark stands up and takes his 'Talking Down The Crazy Person' pose. "That's what I've been trying to tell you. There is no possible way that I can be your son."

The Crazy Lady Begins to go hysterical. "But my Lucas! I was so sure! Where is he? I was so sure! Are you sure you don't want to pretend your Lucas? I can act like I'm not nuts! Really!"

Clark shakes his head. "I am not your son. I love my mom and dad." The Crazy Lady bursts into tears. Clark's eyes go wide in panic. "Don't cry. Please! I don't know what to do with a hysterical, crying, crazy lady."

The Crazy Lady flings herself into Clark's arms and cries on his shoulder. "My Lucas! Where is My Lucas? Boo Hoo!"

Clark cautiously pats her head and sits down on the couch with her. "Don't cry Crazy Lady. You're the Big Bad Person Of The Week. I'm not supposed to comfort The Big Bad Person Of The Week. I think it's against the rules." The Crazy Lady just wails harder and buries herself even deeper into Clark's chest. Clark glances around the empty room and speaks to no one in particular. "Um, little help please?"

No one answers.

Lex moves on the ground and groans. "What the hell did I drink last night?" He notices he's tied up. "And who did I sleep with?"

Clark tries to disengage himself from The Crazy Lady but she just wails and holds on tighter. Clark gives up trying to get free of her. "Lex. Are you all right?"

Lex finally sees Clark and The Crazy Lady on the couch. "Clark? What are you doing with The Crazy Lady crying on your shoulder? She tried to kill me."

Clark quickly makes up a lie and does his usual 'I'm A Horrible Liar But I'm Going To Try Any Way' act. "Well I talked The Crazy Lady out of killing you and she just fell to pieces in my arms with . . . remorse?"

The Crazy Lady stopped crying long enough to be angry. "What are you talking about? I am still going to kill Lex because he is a Bad Bad Man like his father. You just stopped me when you . . ." Clark has covered The Crazy Lady's mouth with his hand and smiles nervously at Lex.

Lex raises an eyebrow at Clark but then shakes his head in acceptance and ignores The Crazy Lady. "OK Clark."

The Crazy Lady is still trying to say something. Clark searches his head for something that will get her mind off him being Superman without Lex getting suspicious. "Um. Crazy Lady? Do you have any other candidates for people being Lucas?" This puts The Crazy Lady back into hysterics and she buries her head into Clark's chest once again. "Oh no, I made her cry again."

A flash of lightning goes through the room and Holio Blackheart, The Lord of Darkness, (aka: the Script Supervisor.) enters the room. "Ha ha! I have made my triumphant return!"

Clark gets a look on his face like he knows there will be a fight and Holio will probably start it. "Hi Holio."

Lex growls from the floor. "What Do You Want?!"

Holio puffs out his chest. "I have come to alert you of a flaw in the continuity of this episode."

Lex and Clark look around in puzzlement. Clark raises an eyebrow at Holio. "Um, I don't see any flaws. Are you feeling ok? Did the meteor rocks affect you in some way?"

Holio rolls his eyes and acts condescendingly. "The flaw hasn't happened yet. I'm hear to take advantage . . . I mean, to prevent it." Holio looks at his watch. "The flaw should be happening in, five . . . . . four . . . . . three . . . . . two . . . . . one . . . . . now!"

Nothing happens for a few seconds. Then, Lex's shirt disappears. Lex gasps in horror. "What the hell?"

Holio puts on a 'Mock Horror' face. "Oh no!! I could not prevent the flaw!! Guess that means that I have to take the duck tape off when it's on your bare skin. Bwahahahahahahahah!!!"

Lex's mouth drops open. Rage fills him. "Holio!!! You son of a Bee-otch!!! When I get my hands on you . . .. . ."

"You'll what? You can't kill me. Besides I'm the Lord of Darkness and I can kick your ass Baldy!"

"Arrrrrrrrrr!!!!!"

Holio has an evil idea. "I know! Usually, when all the duck tape is removed, the subject will be free to move about and, say, try to kick my ass. But, If I prevent the subject from getting free, then that supplies hours of torturing fun!!!"

Clark and Lex share a suspicious look. Clark tries to stall. "Um, Holio? Are you saying that you are going to try to torture Lex?"

Holio rolls his eyes. "No Super Freak! I'm saying that with the help of my demons, I WILL torture the Bald Idiot."

Clark gets 'super hero' like. "I wont let you!"

Holio cackles with evil. "And just how do you plan to stop me? I hired The Crazy Lady to distract you while I am doing evil deeds!! Mwahahahahahahahahah!"

Clark tries to get away from The Crazy Lady but she some how has acquired super strength and is holding on to Clark. She is still sobbing about her lost boy.

Holio rips a demon out of his chest and throws it into the Kitchen. It returns with a big roll of duck tape. "Mwahahahahahah!!! While I rip the duck tape off of Lex, the demon will put more on!"

Lex's eyes go wide. "Clark. Now would be a good time to do something unexplainable."

Clark is still struggling. "Trust me Lex, I would if I could."

Holio grasps the edge of a strip going across Lex's chest. "Mwahahahahaha"

All the occupants of the room freeze as the announcers voice fills the room. "Will Clark get free of the Crazy Lady in time to save Lex from Holio? Will Lex be able to stand hours of duck tape torture? Will Holio just get tired of tormenting Smallville cast members and move on to Dawson's Creek? Will someone else save the Ambiguously Gay Action Duo? Find out next time on Smallville!!"

Everyone in the room looks puzzled and looks around. Lex is annoyed. "How can the episode be over? Everything hasn't been resolved yet."

The announcer mumbles something. "Oh, sorry. Find out after the commercial break."

Lex rolls his eyes. "Wonderful."

Holio huffs and pulls off the strip of duck tape.

Lex screams.

COMERCIAL . . . . . .

Announcer's voice. "Love Alan Rickman? Love Patrick Stewart? Then your going to love this offer. Now see both undeniably sexy and voicey men in the same night at the movies. Are they in the same movie together? NO! But we are offering a once in a life time deal. See both Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets and Star Trek: Nemesis in a double feature offered only by Hot Cabana Boy's Theater. Alan Rickman is the Sex God. Patrick Stewart is bald and almost runner up! See what they have to say about this extraordinary deal. ALAN- I think it's a great way to get dateless geeks to broaden their horizons to other things besides Sci-fi. PATRICK - You mean let the Parents of whiney brats have a break from Barney the purple dinosaur and Parry Hotter! ALAN - Adults like HARRY POTTER too Baldy! PATRICK - At least my movie deals with Adult Issues! ALAN - At least mine is a box office hit! PATRICK - At least I'm a main character! ALAN - Well, I'm the SEX GOD!!!! PATRICK - Thief!!! ALAN - You accuse me of stealing? On Guard you BALD STAR FREAK! PATRICK - Today is a good day to die you Shakespearian Butcherer!! ALAN - I'll Cut you to pieces you Borg Whore!! PATRICK - At least I defeated countless numbers of enemies when you have trouble with one scrawny brat with a scar!!!!!!!" Sounds of fighting can be heard. Everything goes silent. The Announcer comes back on. "So, for a limited time only see the double feature with the two greatest Cabana Boys of all time."

NEXT COMERCIAL . . .

"Ever get so mad you want to destroy the Luthor Empire? Has one or more of the Luthor Clan scarred you for life to the extent that you want to get back at them any way you can? We at Crazy People Corp. understand your feelings. We are now offering training in our Anti-Luthor Crazy People facilities. Learn to drug, punch, beat, chop up with sharp implements, or just blow your hated Luthor away. For a really long torture section, we offer a special training course that takes you step by step in the torture of the Luthor. It takes you all the way from first contact to upside down suspension in a straight jacket. So give us a call today and be on your way to being next week's Crazy Person and/or Big Bad Person Of The Week. Call Now. (555) 555- GO CRAZY NOW!!!!"

END COMERCIAL . . . . .

It's slightly later. Clark is still trying to free himself from the Crazy Lady. The Crazy Lady is still ranting about her lost boy. Holio is still happily striping duck tape from Lex. The demon is still happily applying more duck tape on. Lex is horse from screaming so much. He is not happy.

Lex gasps as another strip is removed. "Clark!"

Clark look like he is on the biggest guilt trip ever. "Lex!" He tries to push the Crazy Lady aside. "Let Me Go You Crazy Lady!"

The Crazy Lady just wails more. "My son! What did he do with my son?"

Holio leans over Lex and whispers. "Scream for me."

This stops everything in the room. Clark makes a face. "Why did you just use a line from X-MEN? This is Superman. Marvel and DC don't mix."

Holio huffs. "X-MEN is my favorite movie. And it makes more sense than 'Do you know what happens to a toad when it's struck by lightning?' Cut me some slack here."

"Still."

"Well at least I'm not making comments on how Jean and Scott like your being."

Lex squints and talks hoarsely. "What are you talking about you paranoid delusional Marvel freak?"

Holio rolls his eyes. "Oh come on! Whenever Jean is in trouble, Scott always yells "Jean!!!" and when ever Scott is in trouble Jean always yells "Scott!!!". You know, JJJJEEEEAAAAANNNNN!!!!!!!! SSSSSSCCCCCOOOOOTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!"

Lex makes a face. "Your crazy."

"Yeah, well this would be a lot more fun if you were hairy."

"Bite! ME!!!"

"No, I might get an STD!"

"AAAAARRRRRRR!!!!"

Suddenly, Lana bursts in. "Whitney is missing in action!!!! BOO! HOO!"

Everyone just stares at her. Clark raises an eyebrow. "Um, Lana. Wrong episode."

Lana angrily stomps a foot. "Well what else am I suppose to complain about? My pity party has always been based off of the fact that my parents died in the meteor shower. Not only dose it give me more lines but it adds to Clark's guilt for being born. Now, I'm a bastard of THE Original Family. My mom had an affair and my dad's still alive. No more complaining about the shower. Now, it was only my mom who died. I could try to complain that my dad has a family or that Chloe snores, but that's like regular stuff. No one will pay attention if I cry about normal stuff. So unless a meteor rock freak is stalking me, I'm going with the Whitney line."

Holio looks from Lex to Lana and back again. "You know Lex. I actually think I hate Lana more than I hate you."

Lex gives Holio a funny look. "Thanks. I think."

"Whitney is missing in action! Boo Hoo!"

"AAAAAAAAA!!!!" Holio rips a demon from his chest and throws it at Lana. It attaches itself to her and drags her to the ground. "Direct hit!!"

Lex nods approvingly at the struggling and squeaking Lana. "Nice shot."

Holio turns to Lex and smiles evilly. "Your turn."

Lex's eyes go wide and he tries to back away from Holio. "Help! Somebody! Help!! Bald billionaire in distress!!!"

A flash of lightning fills the room and the song 'Bad Boys' begins playing. Mandy Moore and Kelly Osborne appear in black leather cat suits. They take a pose. Mandy is the first to speak. "Get your hands off the property of The Deities!"

Kelly chimes in. "Yeah, or we'll F'ing do something F'ing unwholesome and F'ing cruel to you! F'ing A!"

Holio laughs. "Mwahahahaha. I am the best friend of the Goddess Of Sticky Sweetness! You can't do anything to me!!!"

Kelly smiles evilly. "No! But we can F'ing stop your F'ing evil plan for F'ing torturing poor F'ing Sexy Lexy!" Kelly claps her hands. "Girls!!"

Famke Janssen, Michelle Pfeiffer, Faith Hill, and Sheryl Crow walk in. They are all dressed in black leather. Holio's mouth drops open. "My favorite actresses and singers! I'm in Heaven!!!"

Famke steps forward. "Holio. If you come with us, we will treat you to your wildest fantasies. The only thing we ask is for you to stop torturing Lex."

Holio looks from Lex to the Women and back again. "OK."

Holio leaves with the women. Mandy giggles. "And Lexy Poo is safe."

Kelly rubs her hands together. "So we can make him do our evil biding. Mwahahahahahaha!"

Clark raises an eyebrow. "Um, ladies. You didn't save Lex from Holio so you could have him all to yourselves did you?"

Mandy innocently shakes her head. "No Of course not." Mandy and Kelly then exchange knowing looks. "Yeah, OK. We did it to get Lexy-kins all to ourselves."

Kelly quickly adds in. "And you too Clark Bar."

Clark smiles brightly. "Gee thanks."

Lex mumbles. " Arrrrrreeeeeeeeeggggggggga!"

Mandy gasps. "Oh Lexy!" She kneels beside Lex and puts his head in her lap. "It's OK Lexy Poo. Mandy Wandy is here to save you."

"Ggggaaarrrr!"

Kelly snorts. "Mandy. We're F'ing Goddesses of F'ing Cruelty In F'ing Training. We don't F'ing save people. Not without F'ing having ulterior F'ing motives at least."

Mandy pouts. "But it's Lexy Wexy and Clarkie Warkie."

Kelly huffs. "And you F'ing wonder why we are not full F'ing Goddesses Of F'ing Cruelty yet. Bloody F'ing Hell!"

Suddenly, Lionel waltzes in with several men in lab coats. He points angrily at the Crazy Lady. "That is she! Take her away and medicate her!"

Two men in lab coats grab the Crazy Lady and drag her out the door. She is still wailing about her lost boy. Lex stares puzzled at his father. He is almost coherent. "Ddaadd? Why are you able to see? Have you been lying to me so I would pity you and not kick you out of my Scottish Castle? I hate you."

Lionel puffs up his chest. "Lex, I will not lie to you."

A few minutes go by. Lex sighs. "And?"

"That is it. I will not lie to you."

"About what?"

Lionel sees Lana on the floor with the demon still wrapped around her. She is squeaking and Lionel changes the subject. "Lex, why is there a woman on the floor? And why is she making that sound?"

Clark answers. "That's Lana. Holio Blackheart threw a demon at her and we kind of forgot about her."

"Oh." Lionel motions to two other men in lab coats. "Take her away too. Medicate her and put her in a padded cell."

The two men in lab coats comply. Clark gets a weird expression on his face. "Why are you taking her away? She's not crazy."

"Because I can." Lionel looks Clark up and down. "You look like you're an alien. You need to be put away too and experimented on until you are no more than what the aliens at Roswell are."

Clark gulps audibly. "And what are the aliens at Roswell?"

"Dead."

Kelly jumps in front of Lionel. "You can't harm The Prettiest! He belongs to a much higher power than you, Fuzzy!!"

Lionel sighs. "Your right. I don't know what I was thinking. I'll go now."

Lex and Clark exchange odd looks. Lex lifts an eyebrow at Lionel. "Who are you and what did you do to my father?"

"Lex, I'm disappointed in you." And with that, he's gone.

Lex is left speechless. Clark lifts an eyebrow. "So, did we just enter the Twilight Zone?"

Lex shrugs. "Your guess is as good as mine."

Kelly and Mandy are suddenly in an "Charlie's Angels" like defensive stance. "Lionel acting strange can only mean one thing."

Clark and Lex ask in unison. "What?"

"Ninjas!"

As if on cue, several ninjas appear. They begin attacking Kelly and Mandy. Clark and Lex are left watching. After a few minuets, both Kelly and Mandy are knocked out. The ninjas turn their attention to Clark and Lex.

Clark gulps audibly. "Um, Lex? Is there a chance that you can knock yourself out or something?"

"No, if I get another concussion I could have major brain damage."

"Damn."

Just when it seems like Clark will have to use his powers on the ninjas, a war cry is heard and Martha Kent rushes into the room. She quickly knocks out all of the ninjas. When she is done, she takes a deep breath and pulls a strand of hair out of her face. "Take that Mother F'ers."

Clark's mouth has dropped to the floor. "Mom?!"

Lex's mouth has too. "Mrs. Kent?"

Martha smiles sweetly in her 'Mom' stance. "Hello Clark, Lex."

Clark's mouth is still on the floor. "Mom. You never said you knew Kung Foo!"

Martha is all 'Mom' mode. "Well sweetie, its Tai Chi Chuan and well . . . . . there's something your father and I haven't told you about your coming in to our life."

Clark sighs. "What is it?"

Out of nowhere Jonathan appears and putts his arm around his wife. Sappy music can be heard. "Well, son. We told you that we needed to have the help of a higher power to adopt you."

"And that was Lionel . . . . . what are you guys not telling me?"

Martha smiles. "Clark, when you came to us you were . . . . well . . . . more different than what you are today."

"How so?"

Jonathan answers in a deadpan voice. "Well son, you were green."

Martha is quick to support her son. "We still loved you . . . "

"And you had four heads."

"And we would never judge you . . ."

"There was a wired smell."

"And we wanted you to have a normal life . . ."

"You spit acid."

"You were just abnormal in the extreme."

"You tried to eat a cow."

"Very extreme."

"You challenged the TV to a duel to the death."

"But we still love you very much."

Lex is baffled by the Kent's. "Clark. Your parents are freaking me out."

Clark nods. "Tell me about it."

Martha continues without hearing either of the boys. "What we're trying to get at dear . . ."

Jonathan finishes for Martha. "We gave you to the Goddess of Sticky Sweetness and the Goddess of Sam's Club Size Cans Of Whoop Ass in exchange for how you look today."

"And they threw in my ass kicking skills as an extra."

Clark is shocked. "Mom, Dad. I'm shocked."

Martha hugs Clark. "Now, sweetie. Being the Deities cabana boy is completely voluntary. You don't have to if you don't want to."

Clark sighs. "It's not that. It's just . . . . "

Lex interrupts. "My father did the same thing to keep from loosing his hair."

Jonathan huffs. "Yes, but our motives were not selfish."

Clark eyes his parents suspiciously. "Is there anything else your hiding from me?"

Jonathan sighs. "Son. If we are hiding anything from you, we can't tell you because the producers won't let us. But when they do, you will be the first to know."

Clark nods in unhappy agreement. Martha snaps her fingers and smiles brightly with an idea. "How about a big ice cream cone to make it all better?"

Clark smiles brightly at the thought of food. "OK!"

The Kent's leave the room, leaving Lex behind. Lex looks after them and struggles with his bonds. "Hey what about me? Isn't anyone going to let the Bald Man go? Clark? you're my friend right? Clark? . . . . . . Clark?"

NEXT TIME ON SMALLVILLE . . . . . . . .