I do not own anything in connection to Smallville or anything else that
might be owned by someone besides me. Everything else is my own weird
imagination. And weird it is.
**************************************************************************** *********************
Clark is clutching on to a table in the Talon for dear life. He is crying uncontrollably. "Don't make me go in there! Don't make me go in there!"
Pete walks up with a box of party things. "Clark Man what's wrong?"
Clark is still crying. "She's in there! She will steal my youth! I'm the prettiest!! She's not! She's old and has plastic surgery. I'm the prettiest!!! Whaaaaaa!!"
Pete raises an eyebrow. "Clark Man are you telling me that you wont go beat up the . . . . Meteor Rock . . . . no that's not right . . . . . the Crazy Person . . . not entirely true either . . . . . Are you telling me that wont go beat up The Big Bad Person because she might make you age hundreds of years in a few seconds?"
"Uh hu!"
Pete scoffs. "Clark Man, you have to fight the Big Bad Person. Your Superman. Course I'm not sure if I should know that because I have no idea what season this is."
Clark stops crying for a second. "You too? Well, at least I'm not the only one who is confused."
The New Principal comes out of the theater area of the Talon. "Mr. Kent! Are you going to come and save my ungrateful ass?"
Clark starts crying again. "No! She will take my youth and make me not be the Prettiest anymore! I'm the Prettiest!"
The new Principal sighs angrily. "Mr. Kent! You come in the theater right now and do your duty as a student and save your principals bootie!! If you don't I will give you detention!"
Clark barks a laugh. "Fine! It's better to have detention than to not be The Prettiest any more because some old creepy lady wants to relive her youth so she sucks the life out of teenage boys! She isn't even that pretty!"
The new Principal Turns to Pete. "Well fellow Black Man, will you help me drag this juvenal delinquent out from under the table and force him to do his studently duty?"
Pete lifts his hands in defense and backs away. "Hey man, I think Clark should beat up the Big Bad Person of the week, but I ain't touching the Super Hero. He might use me as a teddy bear or something."
The new Principal huffs in disappointment. He then grabs Clarks legs and begins to try and drag Clark from under the table. Clark cries and holds on to the table even tighter. "NO! I won't go!! You can't make me!! She's scary and ugly and old and smells funny and creepy and SO not the prettiest!!!!! No!!! Mommy! Mommy!!" The only thing the New Principal has achieved in doing is dragging Clark and the table a few feet. "No! I'm The Prettiest! I'm The Prettiest!!!!"
The new Principal gives up and slumps on the floor breathing hard from the work out. "Damn boy! What do they feed you on that farm?"
Ignoring the new Principal, Clark wraps himself around the table leg. The Big Bad Person Of the week comes out of the Theater. She is not happy. "Hello? Aren't we suppose to be doing a scene in the theater right now?"
Clark shrieks and crawls away to a corner. "Get her away! Get her away! I'm The Prettiest!!"
"Riiight. Not if I suck you dry!"
"Eeek!"
"Mwahahahahahahaha!!! Once I suck your gland and make myself young again, I will be The Prettiest and then no one will be able to stop me!!!! I will be young and pretty forever!!!!!"
"NNNNNNOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Pete looks over at the new principal, "I don't know about you Bro, but I'm going to run for my life like I should have done last episode. You know the one where that guy threw Clark across the yard?
The new Principal nods in agreement. "Yes, but I'm not sure if it was really last episode. No one knows if this is season one episode or season two."
"You either? Cause I don't even know if I'm suppose to know Clark's secret. I guess I'll act like I always do and see how it turns out." The Big Bad Person Of The Week is trying to kiss Clark and suck his gland. Clark is screaming and curled into a ball. "Maybe we should help him."
"Feel free to but I will stay out of it. You're a main cast member. They can't kill you till the end of the season. This is my first episode. I'm as expendable as the principals on Buffy The Vampire Slayer. Quite personally, I don't want to have my gland sucked or to be run over with my own car like the last principal was."
"Yeah that was a bummer. He was the only Asian dude in the whole Midwest."
Tires squeal and an expensive sports car appears in the Talon. Lex saunters out of the car and strides up to Pete and the new principal. "Hey Pete, Head Master who might have saved me from becoming like my father if you didn't make that comment about me being so much like my father that it will eventually drive me to become evil. Well, that and other things like it being in the plot line that was written a long time ago."
Pete raises an eyebrow. "Hi best friend stealer. Someone hasn't shot you yet?"
"Not for the lack of trying, I assure you."
The new principal sighs. "What do you want former student who destroyed all my hopes and dreams in one dastardly deed, that we're not talking about because your father has cameras everywhere, including my office?"
Lex glares. "Actually, I was looking for Clark."
Pete points to the huddled, screaming form with an old lady hanging off of him. "He doesn't want to fight the Big Bad Person Of The Week because she will steal his youth and not make him The Prettiest any more."
Lex raises an eyebrow in disbelief. "You're kidding."
"No."
"And all I wanted to know was what season we were in so I would know if my father was still blind and freeloading at my Big Scottish Castle."
Pete gasps in mock horror. "Are you telling me that the Bald Billionaire doesn't know something? Call The Daily Planet!!! This is a front page exclusive!!!"
Lex glares at Pete. "You know if you weren't Clark's oldest friend, the only Black Man in Smallville, and I wasn't feeling guilty because my father is SATAN and scammed your dad and uncle out of their Creamed Corn plant, you would have "disappeared" long ago. Not to mention the fact I owe your mother tens of thousands of favors for what she did for that telepathic kid . . . . wait. That hasn't happened yet. Damn! I hate reruns."
The new Principal clears his throat angrily. "Excuse me, Spawn Of Satan, but I am a Black Man and I am in Smallville." He mutters under his breath. "Thanks to you."
"You don't count. You've only been on for one episode and it's still not clear whether you will live through this one."
The big Bad Person Of The Week puts her hands on her hips and growls angrily. She looks like a ninety-year-old woman. Clark is still curled in the corner crying. "Hello? While you three are talking, I'm getting older by the second. I can't get Clark out of the fetal position so I can kiss him and therefore suck his glands. I need to suck someone's glands NOW!"
The three men look frightened and glance at each other to see if there are any volunteers. There are none. Pete and the new Principal point at Lex, volunteering him. Lex rolls his eyes. "You know, I change my mind. Lana's episode was not my least favorite! THIS IS!!!!!" He waves his arms furiously at the Big Bad Gland Sucking Person Of The Week. Each word is punctuated with rage. "It. Is. Physically. Impossible. To. Suck. The. Youth. Out. Of. A. Person. . . . . Especially. Thru. A. Kiss. . . . . . You. Are. Not. A. Meteor. Rock. Freak. Of. The. Week. . . . . . You. Can't. Kiss. Someone. And. Make. Them. Old!!!!"
The Big Bad Cheerleading Person Of The Week smiles evilly. "Come and give me a kiss and you'll find out."
Lex stares daggers at her. "Don't make me shoot you and claim self defense."
Pete raises an eyebrow. "Lex, you have two witnesses that would do almost anything to get you out of Smallville. I don't think you'll be able to claim self defense."
Lex just looks at Pete. "I'm Lex Luthor." Lex says the words like that phrase explained everything.
Clark is still crying and his head being buried in his coat muffles his words. "I'm The Prettiest!!!!!"
The Big Bad Person whirls on Clark. "No you are not! I will suck your gland and be The Prettiest!!!!"
"NOOOOO!!!!"
The Big Bad Person laughs in a high voice. "I'll get you my pretty!!!"
"NNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!"
Lex makes a face. "Is anyone else disturbed by the fact that she is quoting The Wizard Of OZ? Not to mention she is proposing a scientific impossibility, and the strongest person in the world is curled into the fetal position and crying like a baby."
Pete furrows his eyebrows. "You know, now that you mention it, the gland sucking thing does sound kind of odd."
The new Principal shrugs. "It's Smallville."
Pete shakes his head. "The Superman universe has a wealth of history, so the writers shouldn't have to do stupid episodes like this to fill up a season."
Lex furrows his eyebrows. "Pete are you saying that . . ."
Pete nods. "We might be the victims of a Star Trek Complex."
The Big Bad Person stops harassing Clark. "A what?"
Pete explains. "A Star Trek Complex. You know how much potential the Star Trek universe has. Paramount has material to produce hit after hit of Star Trek shows. Yet The Next Generation was the last successful show out of the Star Trek universe."
Lex continues. "It was almost like the shows were being run in to the ground on purpose. Stupid episodes were all over the place."
The Big Bad Person scoffs. "But this episode isn't stupid, I'm in it."
The men all repress chuckles. Pete is the first one capable of speech. "The only thing not stupid about this episode, and I hate to admit it, are the scenes with Lex in them."
Lex nods. "Word."
The new principal nods. "Double word."
The Big Bad Person huffs in anger. "But I wasn't in a scene with Lex!"
Lex smiles evilly. "Exactly."
"Nnnnooooooo!!!" The Big Bat Person collapses on the floor. She can't get up and she starts decomposing. "I'm melting! I'm melting!!"
Lex rolls his eyes. "Stop quoting The Wizard Of OZ!!!! You couldn't be the Wicked Witch Of The West if your youth depended on it!!!!!!"
Pete considers the pile of flesh and bones on the floor. "All we had to do was stall her until she decomposed? That IS stupid."
Lex nods in agreement. He then sees Clark still curled up in a ball. "Hey Clark? She's dead. You can come out now."
Clark looks around for the Gland Sucking Vampire. Not seeing her, Clark smiles brightly and almost bounces over to the other men. "Well, looks like another evil villain is thwarted."
Pete makes a face. "Yeah. She decomposed."
Clark nods. "Right, after I heroically drew her attention away from you guys."
Lex makes a face of disbelief. "You cowered in the corner and screamed for your mommy."
Clark thinks for a second. "I won't tell if you don't."
The other men think then nod in agreement.
Lana comes running into the Talon crying. "Whitney is missing in action!!!! BOO! HOO!"
The others look at each other questioningly. Clark is the one to talk first. "Um, Lana, wrong episode. Again."
Lex snorts. "Possibly wrong season."
Lana stops crying. "Oh." She thinks for a few seconds and then starts crying again. "My Parents were killed in the meteor shower!!! BOO! HOO!"
Lex makes a sound somewhere in between growling and a T-Rex roar. "GGGGGRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!! Some one shut her up before I shoot her!!!!"
The new Principal shakes his head at Lex. "Still not managing your pent up frustration Lex?"
Lex shrugs. "At least I didn't just beat her down with a golf club."
The new Principal nods. "Ah. So you have been going to anger management therapy."
"Sure. That and if I hurt Lana, Clark would not be happy with me. Also, I would miss out on Miss Lane doing it about twenty years from now."
Lana sees the car in the Talon. "How did a car get in here?"
Lex rolls his eyes. "I'm Lex Luthor."
"Oh."
Clark changes the subject. "So now the Big Bad Person is defeated, what do we do now?"
Lex shrugs. "I'm going to get drunk and pick up a hoe that looks like Victoria and possibly father an illegitimate kid."
Clark stares at Lex, horrified. "Forget I asked."
Lana flutters her eyes. "I'm a Fairy Princess."
Lex just stares at Lana. "Riiiight."
"Aunty Em. Uncle Henry!!"
"Stop it! You might be a Fairy Princess, but you ain't no Dorothy!!!"
"My parents died in the meteor shower. Pity me!"
"Are you purposely trying to make me want to beat you down with a golf club?"
"There's no place like home!"
"Clark!!!"
**** And so ends the stupidest episode of Smallville history.... Save for Clark in a Speedo. And Lex, of course. ******
NEXT TIME ON SMALLVILLE . . . . . . . .
**************************************************************************** *********************
Clark is clutching on to a table in the Talon for dear life. He is crying uncontrollably. "Don't make me go in there! Don't make me go in there!"
Pete walks up with a box of party things. "Clark Man what's wrong?"
Clark is still crying. "She's in there! She will steal my youth! I'm the prettiest!! She's not! She's old and has plastic surgery. I'm the prettiest!!! Whaaaaaa!!"
Pete raises an eyebrow. "Clark Man are you telling me that you wont go beat up the . . . . Meteor Rock . . . . no that's not right . . . . . the Crazy Person . . . not entirely true either . . . . . Are you telling me that wont go beat up The Big Bad Person because she might make you age hundreds of years in a few seconds?"
"Uh hu!"
Pete scoffs. "Clark Man, you have to fight the Big Bad Person. Your Superman. Course I'm not sure if I should know that because I have no idea what season this is."
Clark stops crying for a second. "You too? Well, at least I'm not the only one who is confused."
The New Principal comes out of the theater area of the Talon. "Mr. Kent! Are you going to come and save my ungrateful ass?"
Clark starts crying again. "No! She will take my youth and make me not be the Prettiest anymore! I'm the Prettiest!"
The new Principal sighs angrily. "Mr. Kent! You come in the theater right now and do your duty as a student and save your principals bootie!! If you don't I will give you detention!"
Clark barks a laugh. "Fine! It's better to have detention than to not be The Prettiest any more because some old creepy lady wants to relive her youth so she sucks the life out of teenage boys! She isn't even that pretty!"
The new Principal Turns to Pete. "Well fellow Black Man, will you help me drag this juvenal delinquent out from under the table and force him to do his studently duty?"
Pete lifts his hands in defense and backs away. "Hey man, I think Clark should beat up the Big Bad Person of the week, but I ain't touching the Super Hero. He might use me as a teddy bear or something."
The new Principal huffs in disappointment. He then grabs Clarks legs and begins to try and drag Clark from under the table. Clark cries and holds on to the table even tighter. "NO! I won't go!! You can't make me!! She's scary and ugly and old and smells funny and creepy and SO not the prettiest!!!!! No!!! Mommy! Mommy!!" The only thing the New Principal has achieved in doing is dragging Clark and the table a few feet. "No! I'm The Prettiest! I'm The Prettiest!!!!"
The new Principal gives up and slumps on the floor breathing hard from the work out. "Damn boy! What do they feed you on that farm?"
Ignoring the new Principal, Clark wraps himself around the table leg. The Big Bad Person Of the week comes out of the Theater. She is not happy. "Hello? Aren't we suppose to be doing a scene in the theater right now?"
Clark shrieks and crawls away to a corner. "Get her away! Get her away! I'm The Prettiest!!"
"Riiight. Not if I suck you dry!"
"Eeek!"
"Mwahahahahahahaha!!! Once I suck your gland and make myself young again, I will be The Prettiest and then no one will be able to stop me!!!! I will be young and pretty forever!!!!!"
"NNNNNNOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Pete looks over at the new principal, "I don't know about you Bro, but I'm going to run for my life like I should have done last episode. You know the one where that guy threw Clark across the yard?
The new Principal nods in agreement. "Yes, but I'm not sure if it was really last episode. No one knows if this is season one episode or season two."
"You either? Cause I don't even know if I'm suppose to know Clark's secret. I guess I'll act like I always do and see how it turns out." The Big Bad Person Of The Week is trying to kiss Clark and suck his gland. Clark is screaming and curled into a ball. "Maybe we should help him."
"Feel free to but I will stay out of it. You're a main cast member. They can't kill you till the end of the season. This is my first episode. I'm as expendable as the principals on Buffy The Vampire Slayer. Quite personally, I don't want to have my gland sucked or to be run over with my own car like the last principal was."
"Yeah that was a bummer. He was the only Asian dude in the whole Midwest."
Tires squeal and an expensive sports car appears in the Talon. Lex saunters out of the car and strides up to Pete and the new principal. "Hey Pete, Head Master who might have saved me from becoming like my father if you didn't make that comment about me being so much like my father that it will eventually drive me to become evil. Well, that and other things like it being in the plot line that was written a long time ago."
Pete raises an eyebrow. "Hi best friend stealer. Someone hasn't shot you yet?"
"Not for the lack of trying, I assure you."
The new principal sighs. "What do you want former student who destroyed all my hopes and dreams in one dastardly deed, that we're not talking about because your father has cameras everywhere, including my office?"
Lex glares. "Actually, I was looking for Clark."
Pete points to the huddled, screaming form with an old lady hanging off of him. "He doesn't want to fight the Big Bad Person Of The Week because she will steal his youth and not make him The Prettiest any more."
Lex raises an eyebrow in disbelief. "You're kidding."
"No."
"And all I wanted to know was what season we were in so I would know if my father was still blind and freeloading at my Big Scottish Castle."
Pete gasps in mock horror. "Are you telling me that the Bald Billionaire doesn't know something? Call The Daily Planet!!! This is a front page exclusive!!!"
Lex glares at Pete. "You know if you weren't Clark's oldest friend, the only Black Man in Smallville, and I wasn't feeling guilty because my father is SATAN and scammed your dad and uncle out of their Creamed Corn plant, you would have "disappeared" long ago. Not to mention the fact I owe your mother tens of thousands of favors for what she did for that telepathic kid . . . . wait. That hasn't happened yet. Damn! I hate reruns."
The new Principal clears his throat angrily. "Excuse me, Spawn Of Satan, but I am a Black Man and I am in Smallville." He mutters under his breath. "Thanks to you."
"You don't count. You've only been on for one episode and it's still not clear whether you will live through this one."
The big Bad Person Of The Week puts her hands on her hips and growls angrily. She looks like a ninety-year-old woman. Clark is still curled in the corner crying. "Hello? While you three are talking, I'm getting older by the second. I can't get Clark out of the fetal position so I can kiss him and therefore suck his glands. I need to suck someone's glands NOW!"
The three men look frightened and glance at each other to see if there are any volunteers. There are none. Pete and the new Principal point at Lex, volunteering him. Lex rolls his eyes. "You know, I change my mind. Lana's episode was not my least favorite! THIS IS!!!!!" He waves his arms furiously at the Big Bad Gland Sucking Person Of The Week. Each word is punctuated with rage. "It. Is. Physically. Impossible. To. Suck. The. Youth. Out. Of. A. Person. . . . . Especially. Thru. A. Kiss. . . . . . You. Are. Not. A. Meteor. Rock. Freak. Of. The. Week. . . . . . You. Can't. Kiss. Someone. And. Make. Them. Old!!!!"
The Big Bad Cheerleading Person Of The Week smiles evilly. "Come and give me a kiss and you'll find out."
Lex stares daggers at her. "Don't make me shoot you and claim self defense."
Pete raises an eyebrow. "Lex, you have two witnesses that would do almost anything to get you out of Smallville. I don't think you'll be able to claim self defense."
Lex just looks at Pete. "I'm Lex Luthor." Lex says the words like that phrase explained everything.
Clark is still crying and his head being buried in his coat muffles his words. "I'm The Prettiest!!!!!"
The Big Bad Person whirls on Clark. "No you are not! I will suck your gland and be The Prettiest!!!!"
"NOOOOO!!!!"
The Big Bad Person laughs in a high voice. "I'll get you my pretty!!!"
"NNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!"
Lex makes a face. "Is anyone else disturbed by the fact that she is quoting The Wizard Of OZ? Not to mention she is proposing a scientific impossibility, and the strongest person in the world is curled into the fetal position and crying like a baby."
Pete furrows his eyebrows. "You know, now that you mention it, the gland sucking thing does sound kind of odd."
The new Principal shrugs. "It's Smallville."
Pete shakes his head. "The Superman universe has a wealth of history, so the writers shouldn't have to do stupid episodes like this to fill up a season."
Lex furrows his eyebrows. "Pete are you saying that . . ."
Pete nods. "We might be the victims of a Star Trek Complex."
The Big Bad Person stops harassing Clark. "A what?"
Pete explains. "A Star Trek Complex. You know how much potential the Star Trek universe has. Paramount has material to produce hit after hit of Star Trek shows. Yet The Next Generation was the last successful show out of the Star Trek universe."
Lex continues. "It was almost like the shows were being run in to the ground on purpose. Stupid episodes were all over the place."
The Big Bad Person scoffs. "But this episode isn't stupid, I'm in it."
The men all repress chuckles. Pete is the first one capable of speech. "The only thing not stupid about this episode, and I hate to admit it, are the scenes with Lex in them."
Lex nods. "Word."
The new principal nods. "Double word."
The Big Bad Person huffs in anger. "But I wasn't in a scene with Lex!"
Lex smiles evilly. "Exactly."
"Nnnnooooooo!!!" The Big Bat Person collapses on the floor. She can't get up and she starts decomposing. "I'm melting! I'm melting!!"
Lex rolls his eyes. "Stop quoting The Wizard Of OZ!!!! You couldn't be the Wicked Witch Of The West if your youth depended on it!!!!!!"
Pete considers the pile of flesh and bones on the floor. "All we had to do was stall her until she decomposed? That IS stupid."
Lex nods in agreement. He then sees Clark still curled up in a ball. "Hey Clark? She's dead. You can come out now."
Clark looks around for the Gland Sucking Vampire. Not seeing her, Clark smiles brightly and almost bounces over to the other men. "Well, looks like another evil villain is thwarted."
Pete makes a face. "Yeah. She decomposed."
Clark nods. "Right, after I heroically drew her attention away from you guys."
Lex makes a face of disbelief. "You cowered in the corner and screamed for your mommy."
Clark thinks for a second. "I won't tell if you don't."
The other men think then nod in agreement.
Lana comes running into the Talon crying. "Whitney is missing in action!!!! BOO! HOO!"
The others look at each other questioningly. Clark is the one to talk first. "Um, Lana, wrong episode. Again."
Lex snorts. "Possibly wrong season."
Lana stops crying. "Oh." She thinks for a few seconds and then starts crying again. "My Parents were killed in the meteor shower!!! BOO! HOO!"
Lex makes a sound somewhere in between growling and a T-Rex roar. "GGGGGRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!! Some one shut her up before I shoot her!!!!"
The new Principal shakes his head at Lex. "Still not managing your pent up frustration Lex?"
Lex shrugs. "At least I didn't just beat her down with a golf club."
The new Principal nods. "Ah. So you have been going to anger management therapy."
"Sure. That and if I hurt Lana, Clark would not be happy with me. Also, I would miss out on Miss Lane doing it about twenty years from now."
Lana sees the car in the Talon. "How did a car get in here?"
Lex rolls his eyes. "I'm Lex Luthor."
"Oh."
Clark changes the subject. "So now the Big Bad Person is defeated, what do we do now?"
Lex shrugs. "I'm going to get drunk and pick up a hoe that looks like Victoria and possibly father an illegitimate kid."
Clark stares at Lex, horrified. "Forget I asked."
Lana flutters her eyes. "I'm a Fairy Princess."
Lex just stares at Lana. "Riiiight."
"Aunty Em. Uncle Henry!!"
"Stop it! You might be a Fairy Princess, but you ain't no Dorothy!!!"
"My parents died in the meteor shower. Pity me!"
"Are you purposely trying to make me want to beat you down with a golf club?"
"There's no place like home!"
"Clark!!!"
**** And so ends the stupidest episode of Smallville history.... Save for Clark in a Speedo. And Lex, of course. ******
NEXT TIME ON SMALLVILLE . . . . . . . .
