I do not own anything in connection to Smallville, X-MEN or anything else
that might be owned by someone besides me. Thou, I'm thinking about buying
Lex on Ebay. Everything else is my own weird imagination. And weird it is.
Author's note: This is a new format for the story. I might keep using this or switch back and forth. Also, I do not REALLY think the man who play Lionel is Satan, he is actually one of my favorite Actors/Characters, but it just seem funny to me to have his eyes glowing red and for him to be Satan. Cus, who else could treat their poor little bald son like he dose.
COMMENTS ON LAST EPISODE: No, the sexual innuendo was not intended. Otherwise . . . . no comment. Captain Picard, Allan Rickman, the deities, most cast members and the crew of the Smallville did not make appearances because the episode was SO stupid and they didn't want to be dragged down by it. Clark, Lex, And Lana are the stars and HAD to make appearances. Pete needed the lines, and it was the only episode the new principal has been on.
Enjoy!
**************************************************************************** *******************
Pete Ross walks into a almost empty room and sits on a chair. He smiles and looks directly into the camera. "Hidey ho there! Welcome to the two-hour movie of Smallville. The author has been having trouble figuring out what scene to parody. They are all just too cool to do just one. So she has decided to do small scenes from most of the movie. Think of it as Smallville on liquid meteor rock. I'll be your host. Pete Ross, The Ladies Man.
Chloe pops into the picture. "Make that the only Black Man in Smallville."
"Chloe!! I'm trying to host here!!"
"Sorry." Chloe disappears from the screen.
"Now where was I? Oh yes. So sit back and enjoy the parodying. Mwahahahahaha."
==========
Luthor Corp. Plant: Lionel is speaking to the masses of the plant.
Lionel smiles widely. "Therefore, as of immediately, I'm closing the plant."
The workers react badly.
Mr. Sullivan is shocked. "Close the plant? Why? How? We were making a profit!!!"
Lionel chuckles evilly. "Why? I! AM! SATAN!!!!" Lionel's eyes begin glowing red and he begins to levitate. "I can do anything!!!!"
Someone in the mob shouts out. "Kill the Luthor's!!!!!" The whole mob agrees and more people take up the shouting.
Lex turns angrily to his father. "Your evil!!! I HATE YOU!!!"
Lionel doesn't seem phased. "Mwahahahaha!!! Yes Lex, I am evil. So much so, I'm going to leave you to deal with the angry mob. Mwahahahahah!!" And with that, Lionel floats away laughing evilly.
Lex shakes his fist at his fathers receding form. "Damn you Dad! Damn you!!"
Lionel's voice floats back. "Too late for that son!!!!"
The angry mob closes in on Lex. "Oh Sh--!" The camera lifts up to get an above view of Lex and the angry mob. Lex lifts his head to the heavens and belts out . . . . "Somebody Saaaaavvvvvvveeeeeeeee Mmmmmmmeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!"
=========
Pete smiles into the camera. "Well? How do you like it so far? Fun, hu? Now see how the Kent's react."
========
Kent Farm: Clark walks in on his parents reading the paper. They are not happy.
Clark tries to smile. "So you heard about the plant? Chloe's really upset."
Jonathan mumbles. "Damn Luthor's!!!"
Clark looks like a puppy that just got kicked. "But dad. Lex is my friend."
"Bloody damn Luthor's!"
"But don't you think that maybe Lionel closed the plant to get back at Lex for not being the Good Son and moving back to Metropolis and being at Lionel's beck and call for the rest of Lionel's life?"
Jonathan snorts. "No! That would never happen. All the Luthor's are evil!!"
Clark appeals to Martha. "Mom!"
Martha shakes her head. "Sorry Clark, with this I agree with your father. Lionel is The Devil and Lex is the spawn of Satan."
Clark quirks an eyebrow. "But we knew that already."
"Damn Luthor's."
"MOM!!"
"Well, it's true sweetie."
"I'm going to pout at Lex's"
Jonathan calls after Clark. "Son! What ever you do, Don't sell your soul to Lex or Lionel."
=========
Pete smiles at the camera. "Damn! The Kent's hate the Luthors almost as much as my family does . . . . . . . . almost."
Jonathan appears in the screen. "Hey Pete, I heard you tried to shoot Lex. I'm going to try in 'Heat'. Want to like join forces and take them all out?"
"Mr. Kent. I'm hosting the movie . . . . . . . . But latter, sure. My mom can get us off of murder charges."
Jonathan pats Pete on the back. "Wonderful. See you later."
Pete smiles evilly at the camera. "Now lets go to Lex's Evil Layer . . . I mean Scottish Castle to see Clark and The Spawn aka, The Friend Stealer do a scene together . . . . . Aaaarrrrrrr!!!!!"
=========
Lex's Big Scottish Castle: Lex storms into his study. "I'm going to kill him!!!"
Clark raises an eyebrow. "Who? Your father?"
"Him too. No, I'm talking about the jerk who came up with Tickle-Me-Elmo. But enough about my taking over the world by the time I turn thirty. Why do you want to be seen with me? I'm like the Scarlet Letter without the illegitimate kid . . . . . that I know of. Who knows what Victoria is planning to screw up my life! Her and every other person in the world, besides you of course." Lex's eyes get a far away look. "When I rule the world, I will rule them all. Mwahahahahahahaha! And if they don't like it, I'll kill them! Mwahahahahahahaha."
Clark stares open mouthed at Lex. "Uh, Hu. Well gee, Lex . . . . um . . . . what do you plan to do about the Plant?"
Lex stares wildly into space. "I don't know, but it will be big and somehow pave the way to me being evil. Mwahahahahahah. "
Clark raises an eyebrow. "Um, Lex? Your evil laugh is really creepy."
"I practice it in the mirror. Hey want to sell me your soul?"
Clark backs toward the door. "Um, no thanks."
======
The Kent Farm: The truck explodes and Clark escapes easily. He rips his shirt off and stares intently at the burning truck. Jonathan and Martha come running up. They are worried.
Jonathan looks from his son to the truck. "Son? Are you ok?"
Clark nods. "Yeah. It was weird, I didn't even feel the heat. Do you think that as I get older my powers get stronger?"
Jonathan and Martha exchange a look. Jonathan pats his son on the shoulder. "Ok son, whatever you say."
Martha motions to the house. "I'll go get the marshmallows."
"Mom?"
"Clark, we are farm people. We never waste anything and that is one big bonfire."
Jonathan calls after his wife. "Don't forget diner. We can save on the electric bill too!"
========
Pete makes a funny face at the screen. "Um. So the Kent's had a bon fire from the exploded truck, and cooked diner off of it . . . . . . . . I swear they weren't that weird when I met them. So, anyway, The Spawn has been plotting to basically piss his father off. Let's join them now."
========
Lex's Big Scottish Castle: Lionel glares down at his son. "Lex. Do not cross me. I am your father and Satan!! I bought Smallville Savings And Loan. When I destroy Smallville, everyone will blame you. If you come up against me I will bury you and all who support you. You will fail son. Just like you always do. And if you don't fail, then you will be on your way to becoming evil. Ether way I win. Resistance is futile."
Lex finally looks up at his father. His tone is very mocking. "I'm sorry dad. I did not hear a word you said. I was distracted by thoughts of beating you to death or watching you get crushed by that pillar over there."
Lionel huffs in anger. A hot wind picks up in the room and his eyes turn red. "If you're going to take me on son, you will have to bring your game up to a Whole different level."
Lex merely raises an eyebrow. "Bring it. Fuzzy."
=========
Smallville High School: Chloe and Clark are at the lockers talking about Lana, The Dance, Chloe's insecurities. The usual.
Chloe sighs. And turns to Clark. "Ok, I have this fear that you will leave me at the dance to go and profess your undying love for Lana and leave me a bitter old school teacher in some Midwest town."
Clark smiles sheepishly at Chloe. "Chloe. You're the one I'm going to the dance with. I'll only run off on you to save Lana because she will be a stupid hoe and stay in the truck instead of getting in a ditch like she's suppose to in a tornado. At least I'll come close to kissing you."
Chloe waves her arms about. "I'll never speak to you again if you leave me at the dance."
"Yes you will. Otherwise, the producers will take you off the show. But just to prove it to you, I'm going to kiss you just as Lana goes by."
"Really?"
"Yep!" Clark sees Lana coming so leans in and begins kissing Chloe. Lana stares and looks jealous.
When Clark breaks the kiss Chloe smirks at Lana. "Take that Doe Eyed Cookie Cutter High School Cheerleader Bitch!!" Lana squeaks and runs off. Chloe smiles up at Clark. "Damn that felt good."
===========
Pete looks jealous. He mutters. "Damn super freak getting all the play in town. OH! We're back on? Well, things get hairy when a tornado comes to town. Lana gets Dorothy training, Chloe gets dumped, so to speak, Jonathan tries to kill the pesky reporter, Lionel almost dies, damn that almost, and Lex gets hit in the head, again."
The Crazy Lady from 'Lineage' comes on screen. "Are you my Lucas?"
Pete makes a face at her. "Woman! Do I look like a White Man to you?"
"Well my son . . . . . . . My Precious, I must find My Precious. Nasty Hobbits. They wont let me have My Precious. I must find My Precious."
Pete is staring at her. "What the hell is your problem?"
"I need My Precious."
"Fool!!! This is Smallville, not Lord Of The Rings."
Clark comes on screen. "Hey Pete, I need your spit."
"That just sounds nasty Clark Man."
Clark sighs. "I don't know if I have DNA so I need a human sample. Plus, I think it's very unlikely that The Crazy Lady could be your mother."
"Sure Clark Man what ever."
Clark smiles brightly. "Thanks Pete." He starts to leave but The Crazy Lady latches on to his leg and he has to drag her off screen.
Pete shakes his head. "And it's a wonder why I'm not crazy. Any way, the following scenes will do all the climax for the first half of the movie and that will take us to the second part of the movie. Riiight. "
=======
Smallville High School: People in finery rush to the shelter of the school. The strong winds almost carry several of the anorexic and/or bulimic girls away, but their dates hold on to them and eventually get them in the building. Clark and Chloe finally make it inside.
Chloe gasps. "Wow! That is some pretty tuff wind out there. I almost blew away."
Clark nods. "But luckily you have Superman as your date so you can never fly away. That is unless I develop a flying ability in the next few hours."
Whitney and Lana walk up. Whitney lightly punches Clark in the shoulder. " Hey Clark, can I talk to you man to man for a minute?"
A look of fear crosses over Clarks face but it passes. "OK, what about?"
When the two are out of earshot, and sight, of the other people, Whitney brings out a meteor rock and shoves it in Clarks pocket. Every word is punctuated by a kick or a punch. "You know Kent. I thought you wanted Lana. But now I know better. Your really a nice guy who only is interested in Lana for friendship.Will you look after her while I'm away getting killed for my country?"
Clark can barely speak due to the meteor rock and getting beaten. "Sure."
Whitney smiles, takes the meteor rock and tosses it away. "Thanks Bud, I knew I could count on you."
Clark is barely recovered. "Any time Poop Head."
===========
Smallville High School: Clark and Chloe slow dance while a band plays a slow song. The singer of the band looks suspiciously like Lex. Clark leans down to give Chloe a kiss but an idiot interrupts everything.
The idiot looks worried. "We have reports of several twisters touching down south of town. They are likely to miss the school but will probable hit the Kent Farm, Lana's truck, and we are all hoping that it will hit the Luthor Big Scottish Castle thus killing the Evil Luthor's. We will now be taking bet on which Luthor will die first. Will it be Lionel aka Satan, the bane of every Creamed Corn Eating Christians existence? Or will it be Lex, the incompetent moron who drove the plant into the ground and cost all of your parents their jobs?"
Pete holds up a twenty-dollar bill. "My bet is on Lionel!!!!!"
Clark furrows his eyebrows. "Lana is south of town."
Chloe smiles sweetly/evilly. "I'm sure she's OK Clark. Here. I'll call her on my cell phone and we can listen as she gets sucked into the tornado and ripped to shreds." She turns around to see no Clark. "Clark? What the hell! He F'ing left me at the dance! I am So going to kick his ass!! No! I'm going to kick Lana's ass, Then kick Clark's ass! No one leaves me at a dance!!! Especially, Not to save The Fairy Princesses ASS!!!! AAAAAARRRRRRRR."
The lead singer of the band walks up to Chloe. "Hello Sweet Thing! Want to go make out in the tornado shelter?"
Chloe considers his offer for all of two seconds. "OK."
============
The Kent Farm: Jonathan is beating Nixon while Martha watches.
Jonathan kicks Nixon again and grows down at him. "I will do almost anything to protect my family! You are a Bad Bad Man!!"
Nixon is acting quite crazy despite the beating he has taken. "It's not fair that you've hidden this extraordinary creature away from the world!!! He should be known to the world!!! And be stuck in a zoo or being poked and prodded by military experts, or something!!! What ever makes me richer!!!"
Martha moves up to kick Nixon herself. "You're a Bad Bad Man! I would never let my little boy be taken away from us!! And if anyone is going to make any money off of him it will be me!!! I raised him!!"
The ship does something weird. Both Martha and Jonathan look at it, thus giving Nixon time to get away. Jonathan goes after him. "Come back here you slimy reporter!!!!"
Martha screams after him. "JONATHAN!!!!!!!"
Martha turns back to the ship as it rises up off the ground. "Danger Will Robinson! Danger!"
"What?"
"Oh, sorry. Wrong TV series. Hi! You must be Kalel's Earth mother. I'm Kriptonia. Kalel's space nanny. So where is the little green acid spiting sweet heart?"
"Um, he's at his school dance and he's not so little. He's like six foot six."
"A little short for Krypton standards but with the backwards food he's probably been eating . . . . "
"Excuse me! I feed my son very well thank you!!"
"Riiiight."
"Don't you take that tone of voice with me!! I raised Clark! Where were you space Baby Sitter?!"
"Space NANY Earth Bitch!"
"Don't make me come over there!!!"
"HA! I'll just vaporize you with my Krypton rays!"
"You would never do anything that would hurt Clark!"
The ship is silent for a moment. "Damn!"
"Ha! Ha! I'm invaluable to Clark."
" His name is KALEL!!!!! "
"CLARK!!!!!"
"KALEL!!!!! "
"CLARK!!!!!"
"KALEL!!!!! "
"CLARK!!!!!"
"KALEL!!!!! "
"CLARK!!!!!"
============
Lex's Big Scottish Castle: Lionel is chasing Lex around the room, being obnoxious, as Lex Looks for the Missing Space Ship piece.
Lionel grabs Lex. "You cannot resist me! I'm your father! You are not my enemy! You are my son!!!"
Lex breaks away from his father's grip. "Then why haven't you ever told me that you Love me! Or Hug me! Or do anything else that Normal fathers do!"
"Because I'm SATAN Son!! Those are good things and I can't be good!!"
"You hate me!!!"
Lionel considers the question. "Actually Lex, yes I do hate you. But that's beside the point."
The tornado comes and throws Lex into the wall, hitting his head of course, and a pillar traps Lionel on the floor. Lex gets up and looks down at his father.
Lionel reaches out a hand to Lex. "Lex, Help me! My son!"
Lex gets this manic looks in his eye. "DIE FUZZY! DIE!!!!!"
"Lex!!!!"
Lex sighs. "Oh, sh--! I guess I have to help you!"
===========
Route 90, somewhere in Vancouver that looks like Kansas: Lana stands outside the truck and looks at the tornadoes combining into one.
Lana angels her head at the tornados. "Hm. . . . . Should I be smart and get into the ditch, or should I be a stupid air head cheerleader and get back in to the truck?" She thinks for a minuet. "Truck."
Clark comes running up just as the truck is swept into the tornado. "LANA!!!"
Lana bangs her hands on the window as if it will make any difference. "Clark!!!"
Clark rushes into the tornado after Lana. To the side, Storm from the X-Men is on a murderous rampage and sweeping Jean Grey into the tornado. She cackles evilly. "Two birds with one stone! Kill Lana AND Jean! Now I will win the Oscar!!! Mwahahahahaha!!!"
Scott falls to his knees. "JJJJJJJJEEEEEEEEAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Jean calls back from the tornado. "SSSSSSSSSSCCCCCCOOOOOOOTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!"
Scott turns to Storm. "That was not necessary!! Lana can't act to save her life and Jean wasn't even nominated for an Oscar."
Storm flips her hair. "Do you know what happens to a toad when it's struck by lightning?"
Professor X/ Captain Picard/ Patrick Stewart rolls up in his wheel chair. "The same thing that happens to every thing else! Mwahahahahha!" Professor X and Storm laugh as if they were sharing an inside joke.
Scott slips his glasses down, thus blasting away Professor X and Storm. "Opps!! Guess the glasses slipped again! Oh well, looks like I inherit the X-Men" The tornado has stopped so Scott runs off to find Jean. "JJJJJJJJJJJJJJEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
===============
Pete has a very weird expression on his face. "So that's where the tornado came from. Well, the first half of the movie is over and now we get to see the after math. I personally don't think it was all that great because Lex's father didn't die, Jonathan tries to talk ethics to Nixon, Clark whines about his father being missing, about Lex once again lying to him, and Lana just whines. To co-host the rest of the show with me, welcome the director of this episode, Cynthia Walters."
The camera pulls back to revel a woman who looks and act's similar to "The Rich Lady" on Will And Grace. (You know the one.) "Thank you sweet cheeks." She stops and stares at the camera. "It was a fun show to direct. All the men are Hotties. Back to you Beef Cake Pete."
Pete leans in and whispers to the camera. "The Producers thought I was having too many lines so they changed the format in the middle of the show." He speaks normally again. "So, enjoy the rest of Smallville."
"Or what I call it . . . . . Beefcakeville."
=============
Kent Farm Cellar:
Clark looks at the empty space on the cellar floor. "Mom where's the space ship?"
Martha waves her hand. "It said something about taking you back to your home world because Clark was a stupid name and then it flew off."
Clark looks at his mom like she grew another head. "O. K. . . . . . . The ship can talk???"
"More like bitch."
"Let's get you to the hospital Mom."
=============
Smallville Hospital:
Lex lets a tear slip down his cheek. "He's my Daddy! Do all you can to save him."
The doctor quirks an eyebrow. "Riight."
Lionel groans. "Lex!"
"Daddy!"
"If you would have let me die. All evil would have been erased throughout the world."
Lex let's that process. "Damn."
==========
Somewhere Under A Red Neck Hick House:
Nixon recoils from Jonathan. "Don't Kill me! Don't kill me!! I won't say anything about your son. I promise."
Jonathan grumbles. "I'm not going to kill you, my murderous rage has ebbed away."
Nixon sighs in relief. "Oh thank God! I was almost afraid I would have to give up my story."
"No. I'll just let Lex kill you."
"But . . . "
"Shut up!"
=========
Kent Farm Barn:
Lex looks forlornly at Clark. "I hesitated. I almost let my father die. I'm a Bad Bad Man. He will see it as a weakness and use it against me. You know he is Satan? My life is one messed up mess."
Clark looks bored. "Um, Lex. As much as I like to play supportive friend/therapist, I don't really care. My father might be dead and he's a whole lot nicer than yours is. I have problems of my own, so unless you want to help me look for my Daddy, then shut up."
"Ok."
"So what are you going to do?"
"I'm going to help my Best Friend look for his father in hopes that I will become less evil in his eyes and maybe even get to kill someone."
===========
Somewhere In A Forest That Happens To Have Nixon's Car Hanging In A Tree:
Lex turns around to see Clark stalking up to him. Lex turns the cell phone off. "Clark. I was just . . . . ."
Clark is pissed. "Why were you talking to Nixon?"
"I don't know Nixon."
"Lex, I have super hearing. You were talking to Nixon." Lex hesitates. "That's the second time you've hesitated today. You're a Bad Bad Man!!!!"
"But . . . . "
"My Daddy was right about you. You are the Spawn Of Satan!!"
"But . . . "
"Go away and let me whine about my Daddy being lost!!"
"But . . . ."
=============
Woods Again, But Sunny This Time:
Chloe stops Clark in the woods. "Clark, you left me at the dance."
"Sorry?"
"I hate you. I want you to suffer. But, I don't want to get taken off the show. So, we should be just friends. That way I can pretend to be your friend but really look for ways Lana and I can get back at you for being a hot piece of man flesh that is destined to love another."
Clarks face drops. "Oh, I was kind of hoping that I could lose my virginity to you."
Chloe's mouth drops. "What?"
Clark shrugs. "Oh well, looks like Lana's back in the running again."
Chloe stares at Clark's back as he walks off. "Virginity? But! Waite! Come back! I changed my mind! I want to date you again!!!!!"
==========
Talon:
Clark hugs himself and paces thru the Talon. "My Daddy's missing! My Daddy's missing!! My Daddy's missing! My Daddy's missing!! My Daddy's missing! My Daddy's missing!! My Daddy's missing! My Daddy's missing!! My Daddy's missing! My Daddy's missing!! My Daddy's missing! My Daddy's missing!!"
Lana comes up to Clark. "Hey Clark what's up? Did you see me fly? It was so cool! I think you were there protecting me but I'm stupid so I don't remember all that much. So now that I was in a tornado, I can quote lines from The Wizard Of OZ. All I need is a dog."
"My Daddy's missing!!"
"My parents were killed in the meteor shower!"
"My Daddy's missing!!"
"I was Dorothy!"
"My Daddy's missing!!"
"Whitney is missing in action!"
Lex saunters up. "Wrong episode. Whitney is on a bus to training camp."
"But I'm the Whining Queen!!!"
"Get over yourself."
Lana squeaks and runs away.
Clark is now sitting down. He has his knees drawn up to his chest and is rocking softly. "My Daddy's missing! My Daddy's missing! My Daddy's missing! My Daddy's missing! My Daddy's missing! My Daddy's missing! My Daddy's missing! My Daddy's missing! My Daddy's missing!"
Lex goes to pat Clark on the shoulder. "Clark, I'm sorry. If there is anything I can do to help please tell me . . . . "
When Lex's hand touches Clarks shoulder, Clark screams and moves away. "BAD MAN!!! Go away! Go away! Daddy Killer! Go away! Go away!"
Martha races up and wraps her arms around her son. "It's OK sweetie. Lex, go away."
Lex sighs. "Do I have to save your dad from someone who is trying to kill him to get you to trust me again?"
Clark nods. "Yep."
Lex turns to leave. "Fine." Lex leaves Clark in his mother's arms. Clark is still mumbling that his daddy is missing.
====================
Lex stares intently into the camera. "Halfway through shooting, a major injury happened to one of the hobbits. This had the potential to destroy the entire movie and bankrupt the producers of . . ." Dramatic pause. "The Lord Of The Rings."
Pete appears on screen. "Um, Lex. What the hell are you doing?"
Lex makes a face. "I'm hosting The Making Of: Lord Of The Rings."
"Dude, this is Smallville."
"You mean this is not The Making Of: Lord Of The Rings hosted by Michael Rosenbaum?"
"No."
"My bad." Lex leaves.
Pete shakes his head. "Can't a Black Man get some uninterrupted time on screen at the WB?"
Cynthia giggles. "Hell no! The Producers all work for Whitey!"
"I give up."
"Oh, come on Petey Poo! What's your motivation?"
Pete acts very seriously. "To earn more money by having more lines. What's your motivation?"
"Happy Hour."
Pete shakes his head. "I should have known." Cynthia waves wildly at Pete as she takes a sip of alcohol. "Well, by order of the director, we are going to skip right to the ending."
"It was too F'ing long anyway. I mean, come on! A person can only see Clark whine and Lana be "Volunteering Gal" for so long. Then it gets boring. And besides, the ending rocks!! Hotties galore!!!"
Pete shakes his head and ignores Cynthia. "So, for your enjoyment, here is the last scene."
============
Somewhere Under A Red Neck Hick House:
Clark busts into the basement. "DAD!!!"
Jonathan cries weekly from the floor. "Son!"
Almost immediately the meteors take affect and Clark collapses on the floor. Nixon takes this opportunity to stuff Clark's pockets full of meteors and drag him out of the basement.
Nixon Cackle's evilly. "I will be rich!!!! I am about to break the biggest story of all time!!! Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!"
Clark tries to speak. "Let . . . . go .. . . . .of . . . . . me . . . . . .you . . . . . . .bad . . .. . .man . . . . . "
"No!! I have no moral fiber at all and will sell you to the highest bidder!! It won't be slavery because you aren't human!! Mwahahahahahahahahahahah!"
Suddenly, Jonathan comes flying out of nowhere and tackles Nixon. "AAAAARRRRRRR!!!!!!!"
Nixon is stunned. "AAAAAHHH! How did you do that?"
A fiery bird appears. "I HELPED HIM!!!!!"
"What are you and how can I make money off of you?"
"I AM THE PHOENIX!!"
Nixon sports a slimy smile. "Well Miss Phoenix, can I ask you a question or two?"
"NO!!!!!!!!!"
Nixon cringes and squeaks. "ok."
Jonathan gets up and salutes The Phoenix. "Thanks, Jean. You've been a big help. Say hi to Scott for Martha and me."
The Phoenix is practically growling. "OK!!! GIVE MARTHA AND CLARKY MY LOVE!!! BYE!!!" And The Phoenix flies off."
Jonathan chuckles and shakes his head. "That Jean Grey!! Always so stressed out! Golly!"
Just then, Nixon knock's Jonathan down with an iron bar. Nixon growls. "You may not be willing to kill for this secret but I am!!! Die Farm Hick! Die!!!"
Nixon is about to swing the iron and kill Jonathan, when a shot is heard and Nixon falls to the ground dead. Lex is standing there with a gun and is looking like a general "Bad Ass". Lex sneers down at Nixon's body. "That's my line F' Head!"
Jonathan quickly rushes to Clark and discards the coat filled with meteor rock. "Clark! Son! Are you all right?"
The coat hits Lex and knocks him down. "AAAARRRRGGGG!!! F'ing A!"
Clark stands up and acts as if he has not been hurt at all . . . . which, of course without the meteors, he isn't hurt at all. Clark takes a Hero pose. "I'm fine Dad. I'm just glad that you were not hurt."
Jonathan pats Clark on the back. "Son, you don't have to act like a Football Player you know?"
"Really?"
"Yes."
Clark envelops his dad in a hug and starts bouncing up and down. "Yay!!! MY Daddy is ok! My Daddy is ok!!!"
Lex strides up and quirks his eyebrow. "Clark. Is there a reason why you where weak around the meteors but feel just fine when your not around them? Something like you being an alien who has incredible abilities or a wooden puppet brought to life by the meteors perhaps?"
Clark looks like a puppy who has just been kicked. "Lex. Why would you think something like that? I'm a Real Boy!"
Jonathan speaks angrily from his position as teddy bear in Clark's arms. "You no good Luthor! I'll kill you before I let you reveal my son's secret to the world!!"
Clark gasps. "Dad! Lex saved your life! You could at least be civil to him until you try to kill him in the next episode."
Jonathan grumbles. "Fine!"
Clark smiles brightly. "OK! Since most of the plot lines have been resolved, let's go and skip off into the sunset!"
Lex raises an eyebrow. "You can skip but I'm not."
"I'm the prettiest!"
"Sure Clark."
Lex and Clark, with Jonathan still acting as teddy bear, begin to walk off. Clark starts singing. "Oh . . . we're off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of OZ. . . . "
Lex moans. "Clark?"
"Yeah?"
"Shut up."
"But . . "
"This is Smallville, not The Wizard Of OZ. We film in Canada. No singing movie tunes."
Jonathan grumbles. "As much as I hate to side with a Luthor, He's right son. Stop singing."
Clark look's like he's about to cry for a second but cheers up instantly. "Well, at least you two agree on something. Soon I will have you guys acting like you tolerate each other."
"Not likely son."
"But . . . . ."
===========
Pete has a plastered on smile. "Well, we hoped you enjoyed our two hour Smallville movie event. This has been . . . . ."
Cynthia cut's him off. "Can we go now? I'm late for Happy Hour!"
"Fine!" To camera. "Bye Ya'll!"
Cynthia stares at him. "I'm too drunk to tease you for saying Ya'll."
"Good. I'm going home. " Pete leaves.
"I'm getting drunk." She sees Lex walk by. "Hey Sexy Lexy Kins! Wana get smashed and up your chances of having an illegitimate kid?"
NEXT TIME ON SMALLVILLE . . . . . .
Author's note: This is a new format for the story. I might keep using this or switch back and forth. Also, I do not REALLY think the man who play Lionel is Satan, he is actually one of my favorite Actors/Characters, but it just seem funny to me to have his eyes glowing red and for him to be Satan. Cus, who else could treat their poor little bald son like he dose.
COMMENTS ON LAST EPISODE: No, the sexual innuendo was not intended. Otherwise . . . . no comment. Captain Picard, Allan Rickman, the deities, most cast members and the crew of the Smallville did not make appearances because the episode was SO stupid and they didn't want to be dragged down by it. Clark, Lex, And Lana are the stars and HAD to make appearances. Pete needed the lines, and it was the only episode the new principal has been on.
Enjoy!
**************************************************************************** *******************
Pete Ross walks into a almost empty room and sits on a chair. He smiles and looks directly into the camera. "Hidey ho there! Welcome to the two-hour movie of Smallville. The author has been having trouble figuring out what scene to parody. They are all just too cool to do just one. So she has decided to do small scenes from most of the movie. Think of it as Smallville on liquid meteor rock. I'll be your host. Pete Ross, The Ladies Man.
Chloe pops into the picture. "Make that the only Black Man in Smallville."
"Chloe!! I'm trying to host here!!"
"Sorry." Chloe disappears from the screen.
"Now where was I? Oh yes. So sit back and enjoy the parodying. Mwahahahahaha."
==========
Luthor Corp. Plant: Lionel is speaking to the masses of the plant.
Lionel smiles widely. "Therefore, as of immediately, I'm closing the plant."
The workers react badly.
Mr. Sullivan is shocked. "Close the plant? Why? How? We were making a profit!!!"
Lionel chuckles evilly. "Why? I! AM! SATAN!!!!" Lionel's eyes begin glowing red and he begins to levitate. "I can do anything!!!!"
Someone in the mob shouts out. "Kill the Luthor's!!!!!" The whole mob agrees and more people take up the shouting.
Lex turns angrily to his father. "Your evil!!! I HATE YOU!!!"
Lionel doesn't seem phased. "Mwahahahaha!!! Yes Lex, I am evil. So much so, I'm going to leave you to deal with the angry mob. Mwahahahahah!!" And with that, Lionel floats away laughing evilly.
Lex shakes his fist at his fathers receding form. "Damn you Dad! Damn you!!"
Lionel's voice floats back. "Too late for that son!!!!"
The angry mob closes in on Lex. "Oh Sh--!" The camera lifts up to get an above view of Lex and the angry mob. Lex lifts his head to the heavens and belts out . . . . "Somebody Saaaaavvvvvvveeeeeeeee Mmmmmmmeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!"
=========
Pete smiles into the camera. "Well? How do you like it so far? Fun, hu? Now see how the Kent's react."
========
Kent Farm: Clark walks in on his parents reading the paper. They are not happy.
Clark tries to smile. "So you heard about the plant? Chloe's really upset."
Jonathan mumbles. "Damn Luthor's!!!"
Clark looks like a puppy that just got kicked. "But dad. Lex is my friend."
"Bloody damn Luthor's!"
"But don't you think that maybe Lionel closed the plant to get back at Lex for not being the Good Son and moving back to Metropolis and being at Lionel's beck and call for the rest of Lionel's life?"
Jonathan snorts. "No! That would never happen. All the Luthor's are evil!!"
Clark appeals to Martha. "Mom!"
Martha shakes her head. "Sorry Clark, with this I agree with your father. Lionel is The Devil and Lex is the spawn of Satan."
Clark quirks an eyebrow. "But we knew that already."
"Damn Luthor's."
"MOM!!"
"Well, it's true sweetie."
"I'm going to pout at Lex's"
Jonathan calls after Clark. "Son! What ever you do, Don't sell your soul to Lex or Lionel."
=========
Pete smiles at the camera. "Damn! The Kent's hate the Luthors almost as much as my family does . . . . . . . . almost."
Jonathan appears in the screen. "Hey Pete, I heard you tried to shoot Lex. I'm going to try in 'Heat'. Want to like join forces and take them all out?"
"Mr. Kent. I'm hosting the movie . . . . . . . . But latter, sure. My mom can get us off of murder charges."
Jonathan pats Pete on the back. "Wonderful. See you later."
Pete smiles evilly at the camera. "Now lets go to Lex's Evil Layer . . . I mean Scottish Castle to see Clark and The Spawn aka, The Friend Stealer do a scene together . . . . . Aaaarrrrrrr!!!!!"
=========
Lex's Big Scottish Castle: Lex storms into his study. "I'm going to kill him!!!"
Clark raises an eyebrow. "Who? Your father?"
"Him too. No, I'm talking about the jerk who came up with Tickle-Me-Elmo. But enough about my taking over the world by the time I turn thirty. Why do you want to be seen with me? I'm like the Scarlet Letter without the illegitimate kid . . . . . that I know of. Who knows what Victoria is planning to screw up my life! Her and every other person in the world, besides you of course." Lex's eyes get a far away look. "When I rule the world, I will rule them all. Mwahahahahahahaha! And if they don't like it, I'll kill them! Mwahahahahahahaha."
Clark stares open mouthed at Lex. "Uh, Hu. Well gee, Lex . . . . um . . . . what do you plan to do about the Plant?"
Lex stares wildly into space. "I don't know, but it will be big and somehow pave the way to me being evil. Mwahahahahahah. "
Clark raises an eyebrow. "Um, Lex? Your evil laugh is really creepy."
"I practice it in the mirror. Hey want to sell me your soul?"
Clark backs toward the door. "Um, no thanks."
======
The Kent Farm: The truck explodes and Clark escapes easily. He rips his shirt off and stares intently at the burning truck. Jonathan and Martha come running up. They are worried.
Jonathan looks from his son to the truck. "Son? Are you ok?"
Clark nods. "Yeah. It was weird, I didn't even feel the heat. Do you think that as I get older my powers get stronger?"
Jonathan and Martha exchange a look. Jonathan pats his son on the shoulder. "Ok son, whatever you say."
Martha motions to the house. "I'll go get the marshmallows."
"Mom?"
"Clark, we are farm people. We never waste anything and that is one big bonfire."
Jonathan calls after his wife. "Don't forget diner. We can save on the electric bill too!"
========
Pete makes a funny face at the screen. "Um. So the Kent's had a bon fire from the exploded truck, and cooked diner off of it . . . . . . . . I swear they weren't that weird when I met them. So, anyway, The Spawn has been plotting to basically piss his father off. Let's join them now."
========
Lex's Big Scottish Castle: Lionel glares down at his son. "Lex. Do not cross me. I am your father and Satan!! I bought Smallville Savings And Loan. When I destroy Smallville, everyone will blame you. If you come up against me I will bury you and all who support you. You will fail son. Just like you always do. And if you don't fail, then you will be on your way to becoming evil. Ether way I win. Resistance is futile."
Lex finally looks up at his father. His tone is very mocking. "I'm sorry dad. I did not hear a word you said. I was distracted by thoughts of beating you to death or watching you get crushed by that pillar over there."
Lionel huffs in anger. A hot wind picks up in the room and his eyes turn red. "If you're going to take me on son, you will have to bring your game up to a Whole different level."
Lex merely raises an eyebrow. "Bring it. Fuzzy."
=========
Smallville High School: Chloe and Clark are at the lockers talking about Lana, The Dance, Chloe's insecurities. The usual.
Chloe sighs. And turns to Clark. "Ok, I have this fear that you will leave me at the dance to go and profess your undying love for Lana and leave me a bitter old school teacher in some Midwest town."
Clark smiles sheepishly at Chloe. "Chloe. You're the one I'm going to the dance with. I'll only run off on you to save Lana because she will be a stupid hoe and stay in the truck instead of getting in a ditch like she's suppose to in a tornado. At least I'll come close to kissing you."
Chloe waves her arms about. "I'll never speak to you again if you leave me at the dance."
"Yes you will. Otherwise, the producers will take you off the show. But just to prove it to you, I'm going to kiss you just as Lana goes by."
"Really?"
"Yep!" Clark sees Lana coming so leans in and begins kissing Chloe. Lana stares and looks jealous.
When Clark breaks the kiss Chloe smirks at Lana. "Take that Doe Eyed Cookie Cutter High School Cheerleader Bitch!!" Lana squeaks and runs off. Chloe smiles up at Clark. "Damn that felt good."
===========
Pete looks jealous. He mutters. "Damn super freak getting all the play in town. OH! We're back on? Well, things get hairy when a tornado comes to town. Lana gets Dorothy training, Chloe gets dumped, so to speak, Jonathan tries to kill the pesky reporter, Lionel almost dies, damn that almost, and Lex gets hit in the head, again."
The Crazy Lady from 'Lineage' comes on screen. "Are you my Lucas?"
Pete makes a face at her. "Woman! Do I look like a White Man to you?"
"Well my son . . . . . . . My Precious, I must find My Precious. Nasty Hobbits. They wont let me have My Precious. I must find My Precious."
Pete is staring at her. "What the hell is your problem?"
"I need My Precious."
"Fool!!! This is Smallville, not Lord Of The Rings."
Clark comes on screen. "Hey Pete, I need your spit."
"That just sounds nasty Clark Man."
Clark sighs. "I don't know if I have DNA so I need a human sample. Plus, I think it's very unlikely that The Crazy Lady could be your mother."
"Sure Clark Man what ever."
Clark smiles brightly. "Thanks Pete." He starts to leave but The Crazy Lady latches on to his leg and he has to drag her off screen.
Pete shakes his head. "And it's a wonder why I'm not crazy. Any way, the following scenes will do all the climax for the first half of the movie and that will take us to the second part of the movie. Riiight. "
=======
Smallville High School: People in finery rush to the shelter of the school. The strong winds almost carry several of the anorexic and/or bulimic girls away, but their dates hold on to them and eventually get them in the building. Clark and Chloe finally make it inside.
Chloe gasps. "Wow! That is some pretty tuff wind out there. I almost blew away."
Clark nods. "But luckily you have Superman as your date so you can never fly away. That is unless I develop a flying ability in the next few hours."
Whitney and Lana walk up. Whitney lightly punches Clark in the shoulder. " Hey Clark, can I talk to you man to man for a minute?"
A look of fear crosses over Clarks face but it passes. "OK, what about?"
When the two are out of earshot, and sight, of the other people, Whitney brings out a meteor rock and shoves it in Clarks pocket. Every word is punctuated by a kick or a punch. "You know Kent. I thought you wanted Lana. But now I know better. Your really a nice guy who only is interested in Lana for friendship.Will you look after her while I'm away getting killed for my country?"
Clark can barely speak due to the meteor rock and getting beaten. "Sure."
Whitney smiles, takes the meteor rock and tosses it away. "Thanks Bud, I knew I could count on you."
Clark is barely recovered. "Any time Poop Head."
===========
Smallville High School: Clark and Chloe slow dance while a band plays a slow song. The singer of the band looks suspiciously like Lex. Clark leans down to give Chloe a kiss but an idiot interrupts everything.
The idiot looks worried. "We have reports of several twisters touching down south of town. They are likely to miss the school but will probable hit the Kent Farm, Lana's truck, and we are all hoping that it will hit the Luthor Big Scottish Castle thus killing the Evil Luthor's. We will now be taking bet on which Luthor will die first. Will it be Lionel aka Satan, the bane of every Creamed Corn Eating Christians existence? Or will it be Lex, the incompetent moron who drove the plant into the ground and cost all of your parents their jobs?"
Pete holds up a twenty-dollar bill. "My bet is on Lionel!!!!!"
Clark furrows his eyebrows. "Lana is south of town."
Chloe smiles sweetly/evilly. "I'm sure she's OK Clark. Here. I'll call her on my cell phone and we can listen as she gets sucked into the tornado and ripped to shreds." She turns around to see no Clark. "Clark? What the hell! He F'ing left me at the dance! I am So going to kick his ass!! No! I'm going to kick Lana's ass, Then kick Clark's ass! No one leaves me at a dance!!! Especially, Not to save The Fairy Princesses ASS!!!! AAAAAARRRRRRRR."
The lead singer of the band walks up to Chloe. "Hello Sweet Thing! Want to go make out in the tornado shelter?"
Chloe considers his offer for all of two seconds. "OK."
============
The Kent Farm: Jonathan is beating Nixon while Martha watches.
Jonathan kicks Nixon again and grows down at him. "I will do almost anything to protect my family! You are a Bad Bad Man!!"
Nixon is acting quite crazy despite the beating he has taken. "It's not fair that you've hidden this extraordinary creature away from the world!!! He should be known to the world!!! And be stuck in a zoo or being poked and prodded by military experts, or something!!! What ever makes me richer!!!"
Martha moves up to kick Nixon herself. "You're a Bad Bad Man! I would never let my little boy be taken away from us!! And if anyone is going to make any money off of him it will be me!!! I raised him!!"
The ship does something weird. Both Martha and Jonathan look at it, thus giving Nixon time to get away. Jonathan goes after him. "Come back here you slimy reporter!!!!"
Martha screams after him. "JONATHAN!!!!!!!"
Martha turns back to the ship as it rises up off the ground. "Danger Will Robinson! Danger!"
"What?"
"Oh, sorry. Wrong TV series. Hi! You must be Kalel's Earth mother. I'm Kriptonia. Kalel's space nanny. So where is the little green acid spiting sweet heart?"
"Um, he's at his school dance and he's not so little. He's like six foot six."
"A little short for Krypton standards but with the backwards food he's probably been eating . . . . "
"Excuse me! I feed my son very well thank you!!"
"Riiiight."
"Don't you take that tone of voice with me!! I raised Clark! Where were you space Baby Sitter?!"
"Space NANY Earth Bitch!"
"Don't make me come over there!!!"
"HA! I'll just vaporize you with my Krypton rays!"
"You would never do anything that would hurt Clark!"
The ship is silent for a moment. "Damn!"
"Ha! Ha! I'm invaluable to Clark."
" His name is KALEL!!!!! "
"CLARK!!!!!"
"KALEL!!!!! "
"CLARK!!!!!"
"KALEL!!!!! "
"CLARK!!!!!"
"KALEL!!!!! "
"CLARK!!!!!"
============
Lex's Big Scottish Castle: Lionel is chasing Lex around the room, being obnoxious, as Lex Looks for the Missing Space Ship piece.
Lionel grabs Lex. "You cannot resist me! I'm your father! You are not my enemy! You are my son!!!"
Lex breaks away from his father's grip. "Then why haven't you ever told me that you Love me! Or Hug me! Or do anything else that Normal fathers do!"
"Because I'm SATAN Son!! Those are good things and I can't be good!!"
"You hate me!!!"
Lionel considers the question. "Actually Lex, yes I do hate you. But that's beside the point."
The tornado comes and throws Lex into the wall, hitting his head of course, and a pillar traps Lionel on the floor. Lex gets up and looks down at his father.
Lionel reaches out a hand to Lex. "Lex, Help me! My son!"
Lex gets this manic looks in his eye. "DIE FUZZY! DIE!!!!!"
"Lex!!!!"
Lex sighs. "Oh, sh--! I guess I have to help you!"
===========
Route 90, somewhere in Vancouver that looks like Kansas: Lana stands outside the truck and looks at the tornadoes combining into one.
Lana angels her head at the tornados. "Hm. . . . . Should I be smart and get into the ditch, or should I be a stupid air head cheerleader and get back in to the truck?" She thinks for a minuet. "Truck."
Clark comes running up just as the truck is swept into the tornado. "LANA!!!"
Lana bangs her hands on the window as if it will make any difference. "Clark!!!"
Clark rushes into the tornado after Lana. To the side, Storm from the X-Men is on a murderous rampage and sweeping Jean Grey into the tornado. She cackles evilly. "Two birds with one stone! Kill Lana AND Jean! Now I will win the Oscar!!! Mwahahahahaha!!!"
Scott falls to his knees. "JJJJJJJJEEEEEEEEAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Jean calls back from the tornado. "SSSSSSSSSSCCCCCCOOOOOOOTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!"
Scott turns to Storm. "That was not necessary!! Lana can't act to save her life and Jean wasn't even nominated for an Oscar."
Storm flips her hair. "Do you know what happens to a toad when it's struck by lightning?"
Professor X/ Captain Picard/ Patrick Stewart rolls up in his wheel chair. "The same thing that happens to every thing else! Mwahahahahha!" Professor X and Storm laugh as if they were sharing an inside joke.
Scott slips his glasses down, thus blasting away Professor X and Storm. "Opps!! Guess the glasses slipped again! Oh well, looks like I inherit the X-Men" The tornado has stopped so Scott runs off to find Jean. "JJJJJJJJJJJJJJEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
===============
Pete has a very weird expression on his face. "So that's where the tornado came from. Well, the first half of the movie is over and now we get to see the after math. I personally don't think it was all that great because Lex's father didn't die, Jonathan tries to talk ethics to Nixon, Clark whines about his father being missing, about Lex once again lying to him, and Lana just whines. To co-host the rest of the show with me, welcome the director of this episode, Cynthia Walters."
The camera pulls back to revel a woman who looks and act's similar to "The Rich Lady" on Will And Grace. (You know the one.) "Thank you sweet cheeks." She stops and stares at the camera. "It was a fun show to direct. All the men are Hotties. Back to you Beef Cake Pete."
Pete leans in and whispers to the camera. "The Producers thought I was having too many lines so they changed the format in the middle of the show." He speaks normally again. "So, enjoy the rest of Smallville."
"Or what I call it . . . . . Beefcakeville."
=============
Kent Farm Cellar:
Clark looks at the empty space on the cellar floor. "Mom where's the space ship?"
Martha waves her hand. "It said something about taking you back to your home world because Clark was a stupid name and then it flew off."
Clark looks at his mom like she grew another head. "O. K. . . . . . . The ship can talk???"
"More like bitch."
"Let's get you to the hospital Mom."
=============
Smallville Hospital:
Lex lets a tear slip down his cheek. "He's my Daddy! Do all you can to save him."
The doctor quirks an eyebrow. "Riight."
Lionel groans. "Lex!"
"Daddy!"
"If you would have let me die. All evil would have been erased throughout the world."
Lex let's that process. "Damn."
==========
Somewhere Under A Red Neck Hick House:
Nixon recoils from Jonathan. "Don't Kill me! Don't kill me!! I won't say anything about your son. I promise."
Jonathan grumbles. "I'm not going to kill you, my murderous rage has ebbed away."
Nixon sighs in relief. "Oh thank God! I was almost afraid I would have to give up my story."
"No. I'll just let Lex kill you."
"But . . . "
"Shut up!"
=========
Kent Farm Barn:
Lex looks forlornly at Clark. "I hesitated. I almost let my father die. I'm a Bad Bad Man. He will see it as a weakness and use it against me. You know he is Satan? My life is one messed up mess."
Clark looks bored. "Um, Lex. As much as I like to play supportive friend/therapist, I don't really care. My father might be dead and he's a whole lot nicer than yours is. I have problems of my own, so unless you want to help me look for my Daddy, then shut up."
"Ok."
"So what are you going to do?"
"I'm going to help my Best Friend look for his father in hopes that I will become less evil in his eyes and maybe even get to kill someone."
===========
Somewhere In A Forest That Happens To Have Nixon's Car Hanging In A Tree:
Lex turns around to see Clark stalking up to him. Lex turns the cell phone off. "Clark. I was just . . . . ."
Clark is pissed. "Why were you talking to Nixon?"
"I don't know Nixon."
"Lex, I have super hearing. You were talking to Nixon." Lex hesitates. "That's the second time you've hesitated today. You're a Bad Bad Man!!!!"
"But . . . . "
"My Daddy was right about you. You are the Spawn Of Satan!!"
"But . . . "
"Go away and let me whine about my Daddy being lost!!"
"But . . . ."
=============
Woods Again, But Sunny This Time:
Chloe stops Clark in the woods. "Clark, you left me at the dance."
"Sorry?"
"I hate you. I want you to suffer. But, I don't want to get taken off the show. So, we should be just friends. That way I can pretend to be your friend but really look for ways Lana and I can get back at you for being a hot piece of man flesh that is destined to love another."
Clarks face drops. "Oh, I was kind of hoping that I could lose my virginity to you."
Chloe's mouth drops. "What?"
Clark shrugs. "Oh well, looks like Lana's back in the running again."
Chloe stares at Clark's back as he walks off. "Virginity? But! Waite! Come back! I changed my mind! I want to date you again!!!!!"
==========
Talon:
Clark hugs himself and paces thru the Talon. "My Daddy's missing! My Daddy's missing!! My Daddy's missing! My Daddy's missing!! My Daddy's missing! My Daddy's missing!! My Daddy's missing! My Daddy's missing!! My Daddy's missing! My Daddy's missing!! My Daddy's missing! My Daddy's missing!!"
Lana comes up to Clark. "Hey Clark what's up? Did you see me fly? It was so cool! I think you were there protecting me but I'm stupid so I don't remember all that much. So now that I was in a tornado, I can quote lines from The Wizard Of OZ. All I need is a dog."
"My Daddy's missing!!"
"My parents were killed in the meteor shower!"
"My Daddy's missing!!"
"I was Dorothy!"
"My Daddy's missing!!"
"Whitney is missing in action!"
Lex saunters up. "Wrong episode. Whitney is on a bus to training camp."
"But I'm the Whining Queen!!!"
"Get over yourself."
Lana squeaks and runs away.
Clark is now sitting down. He has his knees drawn up to his chest and is rocking softly. "My Daddy's missing! My Daddy's missing! My Daddy's missing! My Daddy's missing! My Daddy's missing! My Daddy's missing! My Daddy's missing! My Daddy's missing! My Daddy's missing!"
Lex goes to pat Clark on the shoulder. "Clark, I'm sorry. If there is anything I can do to help please tell me . . . . "
When Lex's hand touches Clarks shoulder, Clark screams and moves away. "BAD MAN!!! Go away! Go away! Daddy Killer! Go away! Go away!"
Martha races up and wraps her arms around her son. "It's OK sweetie. Lex, go away."
Lex sighs. "Do I have to save your dad from someone who is trying to kill him to get you to trust me again?"
Clark nods. "Yep."
Lex turns to leave. "Fine." Lex leaves Clark in his mother's arms. Clark is still mumbling that his daddy is missing.
====================
Lex stares intently into the camera. "Halfway through shooting, a major injury happened to one of the hobbits. This had the potential to destroy the entire movie and bankrupt the producers of . . ." Dramatic pause. "The Lord Of The Rings."
Pete appears on screen. "Um, Lex. What the hell are you doing?"
Lex makes a face. "I'm hosting The Making Of: Lord Of The Rings."
"Dude, this is Smallville."
"You mean this is not The Making Of: Lord Of The Rings hosted by Michael Rosenbaum?"
"No."
"My bad." Lex leaves.
Pete shakes his head. "Can't a Black Man get some uninterrupted time on screen at the WB?"
Cynthia giggles. "Hell no! The Producers all work for Whitey!"
"I give up."
"Oh, come on Petey Poo! What's your motivation?"
Pete acts very seriously. "To earn more money by having more lines. What's your motivation?"
"Happy Hour."
Pete shakes his head. "I should have known." Cynthia waves wildly at Pete as she takes a sip of alcohol. "Well, by order of the director, we are going to skip right to the ending."
"It was too F'ing long anyway. I mean, come on! A person can only see Clark whine and Lana be "Volunteering Gal" for so long. Then it gets boring. And besides, the ending rocks!! Hotties galore!!!"
Pete shakes his head and ignores Cynthia. "So, for your enjoyment, here is the last scene."
============
Somewhere Under A Red Neck Hick House:
Clark busts into the basement. "DAD!!!"
Jonathan cries weekly from the floor. "Son!"
Almost immediately the meteors take affect and Clark collapses on the floor. Nixon takes this opportunity to stuff Clark's pockets full of meteors and drag him out of the basement.
Nixon Cackle's evilly. "I will be rich!!!! I am about to break the biggest story of all time!!! Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!"
Clark tries to speak. "Let . . . . go .. . . . .of . . . . . me . . . . . .you . . . . . . .bad . . .. . .man . . . . . "
"No!! I have no moral fiber at all and will sell you to the highest bidder!! It won't be slavery because you aren't human!! Mwahahahahahahahahahahah!"
Suddenly, Jonathan comes flying out of nowhere and tackles Nixon. "AAAAARRRRRRR!!!!!!!"
Nixon is stunned. "AAAAAHHH! How did you do that?"
A fiery bird appears. "I HELPED HIM!!!!!"
"What are you and how can I make money off of you?"
"I AM THE PHOENIX!!"
Nixon sports a slimy smile. "Well Miss Phoenix, can I ask you a question or two?"
"NO!!!!!!!!!"
Nixon cringes and squeaks. "ok."
Jonathan gets up and salutes The Phoenix. "Thanks, Jean. You've been a big help. Say hi to Scott for Martha and me."
The Phoenix is practically growling. "OK!!! GIVE MARTHA AND CLARKY MY LOVE!!! BYE!!!" And The Phoenix flies off."
Jonathan chuckles and shakes his head. "That Jean Grey!! Always so stressed out! Golly!"
Just then, Nixon knock's Jonathan down with an iron bar. Nixon growls. "You may not be willing to kill for this secret but I am!!! Die Farm Hick! Die!!!"
Nixon is about to swing the iron and kill Jonathan, when a shot is heard and Nixon falls to the ground dead. Lex is standing there with a gun and is looking like a general "Bad Ass". Lex sneers down at Nixon's body. "That's my line F' Head!"
Jonathan quickly rushes to Clark and discards the coat filled with meteor rock. "Clark! Son! Are you all right?"
The coat hits Lex and knocks him down. "AAAARRRRGGGG!!! F'ing A!"
Clark stands up and acts as if he has not been hurt at all . . . . which, of course without the meteors, he isn't hurt at all. Clark takes a Hero pose. "I'm fine Dad. I'm just glad that you were not hurt."
Jonathan pats Clark on the back. "Son, you don't have to act like a Football Player you know?"
"Really?"
"Yes."
Clark envelops his dad in a hug and starts bouncing up and down. "Yay!!! MY Daddy is ok! My Daddy is ok!!!"
Lex strides up and quirks his eyebrow. "Clark. Is there a reason why you where weak around the meteors but feel just fine when your not around them? Something like you being an alien who has incredible abilities or a wooden puppet brought to life by the meteors perhaps?"
Clark looks like a puppy who has just been kicked. "Lex. Why would you think something like that? I'm a Real Boy!"
Jonathan speaks angrily from his position as teddy bear in Clark's arms. "You no good Luthor! I'll kill you before I let you reveal my son's secret to the world!!"
Clark gasps. "Dad! Lex saved your life! You could at least be civil to him until you try to kill him in the next episode."
Jonathan grumbles. "Fine!"
Clark smiles brightly. "OK! Since most of the plot lines have been resolved, let's go and skip off into the sunset!"
Lex raises an eyebrow. "You can skip but I'm not."
"I'm the prettiest!"
"Sure Clark."
Lex and Clark, with Jonathan still acting as teddy bear, begin to walk off. Clark starts singing. "Oh . . . we're off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of OZ. . . . "
Lex moans. "Clark?"
"Yeah?"
"Shut up."
"But . . "
"This is Smallville, not The Wizard Of OZ. We film in Canada. No singing movie tunes."
Jonathan grumbles. "As much as I hate to side with a Luthor, He's right son. Stop singing."
Clark look's like he's about to cry for a second but cheers up instantly. "Well, at least you two agree on something. Soon I will have you guys acting like you tolerate each other."
"Not likely son."
"But . . . . ."
===========
Pete has a plastered on smile. "Well, we hoped you enjoyed our two hour Smallville movie event. This has been . . . . ."
Cynthia cut's him off. "Can we go now? I'm late for Happy Hour!"
"Fine!" To camera. "Bye Ya'll!"
Cynthia stares at him. "I'm too drunk to tease you for saying Ya'll."
"Good. I'm going home. " Pete leaves.
"I'm getting drunk." She sees Lex walk by. "Hey Sexy Lexy Kins! Wana get smashed and up your chances of having an illegitimate kid?"
NEXT TIME ON SMALLVILLE . . . . . .
