I own nothing in connection to Smallville, Alan Rickman, or South Park. The
Goddesses, Chinthia Walters, and Holio Blackheart are mine, however. Lex. .
. . . . let's just say I'm working on him. Ebay fell through, so I'm now
trying to acquire him from the studio.
Authors note: Keep in mind that this is a parody and everything done here is for fun. Mwahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.
Character notes: Chinthia Walters acts like the rich lady from Will and Grace, Holio Blackheart looks like Toby Maguire. Just to let you know.
Random note: The first part of the story should be read . . . . . . Melodramatically. ############################################################################ ###############################
Mellow dramatic music plays.
Lionel is standing in the upper level of Lex's study, reading, "melodramatically". The study door opens, "melodramatically". A shadow, "melodramatically" walks in. Lionel stops "melodramatically" and listens. "Who is that? . . . . . I told you this conversation is over.."
The camera "melodramatically" moves . . . . . . "melodramatically". Lionel is shot, "melodramatically". He "melodramatically" gasps and clutches his chest. He falls over the railing "melodramatically" and falls into a strategically placed, "and melodramatically placed", glass table. It shatters "melodramatically". The music swells, "Melodramatically" and Lionel stares into space "Melodramatically".
Cut to a viewing room somewhere in Vancouver.
Chinthia Walters, The Drunken Pervert Director, smacks Holio Black, The Lord of Darkness, AKA the Script Supervisor, upside the head. "Stop making fun of my masterpiece. Do you know how much editing it took to make it look THAT dramatic?!"
Holio smiles evilly. "Don't you mean Melodramatic?"
"Bite me Scripty!!"
"Promises promises."
Cut back to the show.
Lionel lies on the floor. Lionel looks up to the sky and belts out. "Somebody SSSSSSAAAAVVVVEEEE MMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!"
Lex busts into the room with a miniozzy and shoots Lionel several times. "That's my line fuzzy!!!"
Lionel groans.
Jonathan bursts in threw the outside door with a shotgun and pumps Lionel full of lead. "That'll teach you to mess with MY WIFE!!!!!!"
Lionel groans.
Pete repels from the ceiling with a samurai sword and stabs Lionel in the heart. "Whaaaaaa!!!"
Lionel groans.
Several of Holio's daemon's fly from off screen and begin dancing around him in a pagan dance.
Lionel groans.
The boys from South Park enter and look down at Lionel's mutilated body. "They killed Kenny!!!"
"You bastards!!!"
Kenny makes muffled sounds. The boys take a closer look at Lionel. "That's not Kenny!! That's Lionel!!"
"Isn't he Satan?"
"Dose that mean that Saddom Hussein is Lionel Luthor's Gay Lover??" The South Park Boys giggle.
Jonathan, Pete, Lex and the cameraman exchange knowing looks, and then burst out laughing.
Cut to hospital room.
Lionel is lying in his hospital bed. A figure comes in and shoots him. Clark turns on the light. "Gotcha!!" Who is standing in the doorway? Is it Jonathan, the jealous husband? Is it Lex who wants his father finally out of the way? Is it Dom the Fluky who has had Closter Phobia since his last run in with A-LEX-ander The Great? Is it a bird, a plane? NO! It's Holio! Who is standing with a smoking gun. Clark gasps. "Holio? You're the killer??"
Holio shrugs. "The actor who is the killer is late so I'm standing in as the killer until he/she/it get's here.
Clark raises a disbelieving eyebrow. "Riiight."
Holio gets defensive. "Hey!! My hatred of All Things has nothing to do with why I shot Lionel."
"Riiight."
"Stop That!!!"
Just then, Lex bursts in with an oozy. "I should have done this when you said I couldn't play with the normal kids because I was a bald ugly freak!! DIE! FUZZY! DIE!"
Clark's mouth drops open as Lex shoots the bed. "LEX?!"
Lex smiles at Clark and acts like nothing has happened. "Hi Clark."
Holio tries to hold back snickers while Clark is still gaping at Lex. "Why did you shoot your father? I thought you two were forging a semi-non- satanic-father-son-relationship."
Lex snorts a laugh. "What the Beep Beep? The Mo Fo bought my company! All he wants to do is run my life and destroy all my support systems."
Clark shakes his head. "That's no reason to shoot him."
Lex huffs. "Did I mention he's SATAN!!"
Clark tries to dispute that but only comes up with. "Still . ."
Just then Dominic burst threw the door. "You heartless businessman! Not only am I scared of the dark but now I'm Closter Phobic from when you left me in the car trunk. You're a bad bad man!!" Dominic shoots the bed several times.
Every one in the room stares at him. Lex smirks and speaks in a slightly sing song fashion. "OOOO!!! Your in trouble!!"
Dominic gulps. "Opps."
Before more can be said, Jonathan bursts in with his shotgun. "If I'm going to Jail for your murder then I'm going to be actually guilty of the crime!"
Clark's mouth drops open. "DAD?!?"
Jonathan jumps from surprise and then scratches his head in embarrassment. "Hi son."
Clark looks at all the killers in the hospital room. "Is there anyone who doesn't want to kill Lionel besides me?"
Pete crashes in threw the window in his Super Blackman gear and slashes at the bed with his samurai sword. "Kill Whitey!!"
Jonathan smiles wistfully, and shakes his head while Pete rabidly attacks Lionel's bed. "Nope son. There isn't"
Pete cracks his neck and puts up his sword. "Now THAT is an assassination attempt! Boo Ya!"
Clark's eyes bulge out of his head. "Um . . . . Any one else?"
A bright light fills the room. Two winged angels swoop down and stab the bed repeatedly with fiery swords. Alan Rickman appears in an all white suit and pronounces judgment on Lionel. "Lionel Luthor, otherwise known as Satan, for trying to over throw the thrown of God the Almighty, you are condemned to HELL! Now feel the wrath of GOD!!"
Clark's mouth drops open. When he has enough control over his reaction he clears his throat, thus interrupting the avenging angels. "Is every one aware that that is not Lionel Luthor in that bed? He was moved to another room."
Every one looks disappointed. One of the angels stomps his feet in anger. "Man! That slippery serpent!"
The other angel huffs in anger. "He always gets away at the last minuet! Just once I would like to find him."
Alan Rickman shakes his head. "Damn you Lucifer. Damn you to HELL!!"
The lights dim and evil laughing can be heard. "Mwahahahahahahahah"
Lex raises an eyebrow. "Riiight."
Clark has curled into a ball in a corner. He looks like a puppy who has just been kicked. "I don't understand. The sheriff is the one who shot Lionel. But he's the only one who hasn't shown up! This is suppose to be an Uncomplicated TV Show. Not like Law and Order where there are ten plot twists in a minuet!"
Lex shakes his head and sighs. "Clark. There are two Luthors on this show. Nothing is simple with a Luthor around."
Pete snorts sarcastically. "Ya think?"
Lex smirks. "Oh yeah."
Just then, Lana bursts in with a gun. She's crying. "Whitney's dead! A random source told me that Lionel is to blame. AND Lionel is really the one who made me an orphan! You're a bad bad man and deserve to die!!!" Lana shoots the now ruined bed.
Everyone stares blankly at Lana. Clark looks questioningly at Lana. "UM .. . . Lana? Whitney was killed in action, and your parents were killed in a meteor shower from my home world. . . . . . that your not suppose to know about."
"Oh."
Clark raises an eyebrow at Lana. "Where did you hear that Lionel was responsible for all of that?"
Lana shrugs. "Some random letter that I found at the Talon."
Lex slaps his head. "Damn, I forgot the backup plan!" Seeing everyone looking at him weirdly, he decides to explain. "I planted that note so I could get Lana mad at my father enough to want to kill him. It was a backup plan just incase I didn't succeed in killing him myself."
Clark quirks his head. "Gee, Lex."
Lana shrugs. "If I weren't a shallow, evil, uncaring, tramp, I might be mad right now, but . . . . . .. . I am, and you're Lex Luthor. It's a typical thing for you to do. Oh well!"
Lex sighs. "And just when I thought all her whining was going to be put to good use."
Lana begins crying. "Whitney is DEAD!! BOO!! HOO!!"
Lex mutters under his breath. "Here we go again."
Alan looks like he has smelled something bad. "Can't someone shut her up?"
Clark spreads his hands out and shrugs. "You're the Voice of God, and The Sex god, and The Sheriff of Nottingham, and the alien from Galaxy Quest, and you played the guy in Dangerous Liaisons. Why don't you do something."
Lex adds in. "You're also Professor Snape from Harry Potter."
Alan groans at the reminder.
Lana is still crying. "I lost my parents in the meteor shower. Pity me!!"
Alan scratches his head. "You know The Goddesses, Holio and I have been talking about a theory . . . . . let me test it out now." He walks up to Lana, who is still crying, and points a finger at her. He bellows. "Damn You To Hell!!!!" Lana squeaks and then disappears. "Suppose it dose work."
Lex Looks like a boy who got just what he wanted for Christmas. "COOL!! Can you do that to my father?"
Alan shakes his head. "He's already been dammed to Hell. Can't damn them any more then they already are."
Cut to Hell.
Lana is sitting on a stump. She is watching Clark with several other women. They are hanging all over him. They leave and Louis Lane walks up and begins kissing Clark furiously. Lana is shocked. "But Clark. I thought you were in love with me. Aren't I your true love? Clark?" Clark ignores Lana. "Clark!?"
Clark pulls away from Louis long enough to utter. "Hu?"
"I'm your true love! Your suppose to love me!"
Louis smiles evilly. "He was never yours. He was sent here to fall in love with me. Your just a pitiful girl who peeked in High School."
"But, I'm Lana Lang!"
Louis looks Lana up and down. "Yeah, And I'm Louis Lane. The Bad Ass Reporter and true love of Superman. So, BOO YA Bitch!" Clark Just nods in agreement.
Lana realizes that she's not in Hell. This is much worst then Hell, she's in a Reality Check. Lana lifts her head to the heavens and screams. "NNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Cut back to hospital.
Holio looks annoyed. "Do you realize that we've once again strayed from the plot of the show."
Lex smirks. "What plot?"
"Don't start with me Baldy."
"Your just lucky that you're the best friend of the Goddess of Sticky Sweetness. Otherwise I would have to Kick your ass. . . . . . Ah hell, I'd pay someone else to do it."
Clark interrupts the two dueling men. "So, since everyone, except me, wants to kill Lionel, I say we call it a stale mate and go home."
Everyone agrees and files out of the room, leaving the destroyed bed and the pillows set up to look like Lionel.
The South Park Boys come in and look around. They burst into song and a kick line. "Blame Canada! Blame Canada!"
NEXT TIME ON SMALLVILLE . . . . . . . . .
Authors note: Keep in mind that this is a parody and everything done here is for fun. Mwahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.
Character notes: Chinthia Walters acts like the rich lady from Will and Grace, Holio Blackheart looks like Toby Maguire. Just to let you know.
Random note: The first part of the story should be read . . . . . . Melodramatically. ############################################################################ ###############################
Mellow dramatic music plays.
Lionel is standing in the upper level of Lex's study, reading, "melodramatically". The study door opens, "melodramatically". A shadow, "melodramatically" walks in. Lionel stops "melodramatically" and listens. "Who is that? . . . . . I told you this conversation is over.."
The camera "melodramatically" moves . . . . . . "melodramatically". Lionel is shot, "melodramatically". He "melodramatically" gasps and clutches his chest. He falls over the railing "melodramatically" and falls into a strategically placed, "and melodramatically placed", glass table. It shatters "melodramatically". The music swells, "Melodramatically" and Lionel stares into space "Melodramatically".
Cut to a viewing room somewhere in Vancouver.
Chinthia Walters, The Drunken Pervert Director, smacks Holio Black, The Lord of Darkness, AKA the Script Supervisor, upside the head. "Stop making fun of my masterpiece. Do you know how much editing it took to make it look THAT dramatic?!"
Holio smiles evilly. "Don't you mean Melodramatic?"
"Bite me Scripty!!"
"Promises promises."
Cut back to the show.
Lionel lies on the floor. Lionel looks up to the sky and belts out. "Somebody SSSSSSAAAAVVVVEEEE MMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!"
Lex busts into the room with a miniozzy and shoots Lionel several times. "That's my line fuzzy!!!"
Lionel groans.
Jonathan bursts in threw the outside door with a shotgun and pumps Lionel full of lead. "That'll teach you to mess with MY WIFE!!!!!!"
Lionel groans.
Pete repels from the ceiling with a samurai sword and stabs Lionel in the heart. "Whaaaaaa!!!"
Lionel groans.
Several of Holio's daemon's fly from off screen and begin dancing around him in a pagan dance.
Lionel groans.
The boys from South Park enter and look down at Lionel's mutilated body. "They killed Kenny!!!"
"You bastards!!!"
Kenny makes muffled sounds. The boys take a closer look at Lionel. "That's not Kenny!! That's Lionel!!"
"Isn't he Satan?"
"Dose that mean that Saddom Hussein is Lionel Luthor's Gay Lover??" The South Park Boys giggle.
Jonathan, Pete, Lex and the cameraman exchange knowing looks, and then burst out laughing.
Cut to hospital room.
Lionel is lying in his hospital bed. A figure comes in and shoots him. Clark turns on the light. "Gotcha!!" Who is standing in the doorway? Is it Jonathan, the jealous husband? Is it Lex who wants his father finally out of the way? Is it Dom the Fluky who has had Closter Phobia since his last run in with A-LEX-ander The Great? Is it a bird, a plane? NO! It's Holio! Who is standing with a smoking gun. Clark gasps. "Holio? You're the killer??"
Holio shrugs. "The actor who is the killer is late so I'm standing in as the killer until he/she/it get's here.
Clark raises a disbelieving eyebrow. "Riiight."
Holio gets defensive. "Hey!! My hatred of All Things has nothing to do with why I shot Lionel."
"Riiight."
"Stop That!!!"
Just then, Lex bursts in with an oozy. "I should have done this when you said I couldn't play with the normal kids because I was a bald ugly freak!! DIE! FUZZY! DIE!"
Clark's mouth drops open as Lex shoots the bed. "LEX?!"
Lex smiles at Clark and acts like nothing has happened. "Hi Clark."
Holio tries to hold back snickers while Clark is still gaping at Lex. "Why did you shoot your father? I thought you two were forging a semi-non- satanic-father-son-relationship."
Lex snorts a laugh. "What the Beep Beep? The Mo Fo bought my company! All he wants to do is run my life and destroy all my support systems."
Clark shakes his head. "That's no reason to shoot him."
Lex huffs. "Did I mention he's SATAN!!"
Clark tries to dispute that but only comes up with. "Still . ."
Just then Dominic burst threw the door. "You heartless businessman! Not only am I scared of the dark but now I'm Closter Phobic from when you left me in the car trunk. You're a bad bad man!!" Dominic shoots the bed several times.
Every one in the room stares at him. Lex smirks and speaks in a slightly sing song fashion. "OOOO!!! Your in trouble!!"
Dominic gulps. "Opps."
Before more can be said, Jonathan bursts in with his shotgun. "If I'm going to Jail for your murder then I'm going to be actually guilty of the crime!"
Clark's mouth drops open. "DAD?!?"
Jonathan jumps from surprise and then scratches his head in embarrassment. "Hi son."
Clark looks at all the killers in the hospital room. "Is there anyone who doesn't want to kill Lionel besides me?"
Pete crashes in threw the window in his Super Blackman gear and slashes at the bed with his samurai sword. "Kill Whitey!!"
Jonathan smiles wistfully, and shakes his head while Pete rabidly attacks Lionel's bed. "Nope son. There isn't"
Pete cracks his neck and puts up his sword. "Now THAT is an assassination attempt! Boo Ya!"
Clark's eyes bulge out of his head. "Um . . . . Any one else?"
A bright light fills the room. Two winged angels swoop down and stab the bed repeatedly with fiery swords. Alan Rickman appears in an all white suit and pronounces judgment on Lionel. "Lionel Luthor, otherwise known as Satan, for trying to over throw the thrown of God the Almighty, you are condemned to HELL! Now feel the wrath of GOD!!"
Clark's mouth drops open. When he has enough control over his reaction he clears his throat, thus interrupting the avenging angels. "Is every one aware that that is not Lionel Luthor in that bed? He was moved to another room."
Every one looks disappointed. One of the angels stomps his feet in anger. "Man! That slippery serpent!"
The other angel huffs in anger. "He always gets away at the last minuet! Just once I would like to find him."
Alan Rickman shakes his head. "Damn you Lucifer. Damn you to HELL!!"
The lights dim and evil laughing can be heard. "Mwahahahahahahahah"
Lex raises an eyebrow. "Riiight."
Clark has curled into a ball in a corner. He looks like a puppy who has just been kicked. "I don't understand. The sheriff is the one who shot Lionel. But he's the only one who hasn't shown up! This is suppose to be an Uncomplicated TV Show. Not like Law and Order where there are ten plot twists in a minuet!"
Lex shakes his head and sighs. "Clark. There are two Luthors on this show. Nothing is simple with a Luthor around."
Pete snorts sarcastically. "Ya think?"
Lex smirks. "Oh yeah."
Just then, Lana bursts in with a gun. She's crying. "Whitney's dead! A random source told me that Lionel is to blame. AND Lionel is really the one who made me an orphan! You're a bad bad man and deserve to die!!!" Lana shoots the now ruined bed.
Everyone stares blankly at Lana. Clark looks questioningly at Lana. "UM .. . . Lana? Whitney was killed in action, and your parents were killed in a meteor shower from my home world. . . . . . that your not suppose to know about."
"Oh."
Clark raises an eyebrow at Lana. "Where did you hear that Lionel was responsible for all of that?"
Lana shrugs. "Some random letter that I found at the Talon."
Lex slaps his head. "Damn, I forgot the backup plan!" Seeing everyone looking at him weirdly, he decides to explain. "I planted that note so I could get Lana mad at my father enough to want to kill him. It was a backup plan just incase I didn't succeed in killing him myself."
Clark quirks his head. "Gee, Lex."
Lana shrugs. "If I weren't a shallow, evil, uncaring, tramp, I might be mad right now, but . . . . . .. . I am, and you're Lex Luthor. It's a typical thing for you to do. Oh well!"
Lex sighs. "And just when I thought all her whining was going to be put to good use."
Lana begins crying. "Whitney is DEAD!! BOO!! HOO!!"
Lex mutters under his breath. "Here we go again."
Alan looks like he has smelled something bad. "Can't someone shut her up?"
Clark spreads his hands out and shrugs. "You're the Voice of God, and The Sex god, and The Sheriff of Nottingham, and the alien from Galaxy Quest, and you played the guy in Dangerous Liaisons. Why don't you do something."
Lex adds in. "You're also Professor Snape from Harry Potter."
Alan groans at the reminder.
Lana is still crying. "I lost my parents in the meteor shower. Pity me!!"
Alan scratches his head. "You know The Goddesses, Holio and I have been talking about a theory . . . . . let me test it out now." He walks up to Lana, who is still crying, and points a finger at her. He bellows. "Damn You To Hell!!!!" Lana squeaks and then disappears. "Suppose it dose work."
Lex Looks like a boy who got just what he wanted for Christmas. "COOL!! Can you do that to my father?"
Alan shakes his head. "He's already been dammed to Hell. Can't damn them any more then they already are."
Cut to Hell.
Lana is sitting on a stump. She is watching Clark with several other women. They are hanging all over him. They leave and Louis Lane walks up and begins kissing Clark furiously. Lana is shocked. "But Clark. I thought you were in love with me. Aren't I your true love? Clark?" Clark ignores Lana. "Clark!?"
Clark pulls away from Louis long enough to utter. "Hu?"
"I'm your true love! Your suppose to love me!"
Louis smiles evilly. "He was never yours. He was sent here to fall in love with me. Your just a pitiful girl who peeked in High School."
"But, I'm Lana Lang!"
Louis looks Lana up and down. "Yeah, And I'm Louis Lane. The Bad Ass Reporter and true love of Superman. So, BOO YA Bitch!" Clark Just nods in agreement.
Lana realizes that she's not in Hell. This is much worst then Hell, she's in a Reality Check. Lana lifts her head to the heavens and screams. "NNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Cut back to hospital.
Holio looks annoyed. "Do you realize that we've once again strayed from the plot of the show."
Lex smirks. "What plot?"
"Don't start with me Baldy."
"Your just lucky that you're the best friend of the Goddess of Sticky Sweetness. Otherwise I would have to Kick your ass. . . . . . Ah hell, I'd pay someone else to do it."
Clark interrupts the two dueling men. "So, since everyone, except me, wants to kill Lionel, I say we call it a stale mate and go home."
Everyone agrees and files out of the room, leaving the destroyed bed and the pillows set up to look like Lionel.
The South Park Boys come in and look around. They burst into song and a kick line. "Blame Canada! Blame Canada!"
NEXT TIME ON SMALLVILLE . . . . . . . . .
