Title: I Saved Yo Evil Ass
Author: Lilyana_Vamp & Sunscorched
Email: Lilyana_vamp@yahoo.com Aurora_plym_uk@yahoo.com
Rating: PG-13 for mild language for now
Category: Humour
Summary: Some vampires are just ungrateful
Content: C/Aus
Spoilers: None
Disclaimer: None of the characters belong to either myself or Lilyana_Vamp. All characters are owned by ME.
Distribution: NF, if you want it please feel free to ask either of us.
Notes: Set during BTVS S2
Part 1, The Finding
Cordelia walked quickly past the darkened alley, ever since she had found out about vampires and demons, she had avoided darkened alleys like the plague. God only knows what could come out of one if you weren't careful.
She picked up her pace and tripped over something, sending her to her knees. "OWW!" Cordelia yelped as her knees connected with the ground below her. A shooting pain now throbbed in both her legs as she stood up, "Damn it" she swore as she leaned down to pick up her dropped purse. As she did so, she spotted the thing that she had tripped over poking out of the darkness.
Cordelia looked a little closer, her face scrunching up in disgust as she recognized a hand. "Oh, ew EWWWW!" she cried in disgust as she prodded the hand in quick, sharp movements with her finger, trying to detect for any signs of life.
The hand remained still all through her prodding and poking. "Come on Cor, just leave the hand alone, go and call the Demon Patrol, let them deal with it," she told herself as she moved away. Cordelia paused in her moving, what if the person that owned the hand was in real trouble? What if they had been attacked and weren't dead yet? Or what if they had a medical problem?
Before she was even aware of what she was doing, Cordelia was edging slowly and unsurely into the darkened alley, eyes riveted on the hand and arm that lay still. "Ok, just take it niiiice and easy," she told herself as she took deep, non-calming breaths.
She followed the arm that was encased in black leather, all the way to a shoulder; her eyes ran across a pale neck and landed on a bruised face. Cordelia's eyes widened as she clamped her hand over her mouth to stifle her gasp. "Oh shit," she whimpered lightly behind her hand.
Angelus was completely out cold in front of her, well he looked it anyway. He had bruises covering his face, dried blood on his nose and lips and yes, he was definitely out cold. Whatever he had been fighting had beaten the ever holy crap out of him and left him here.
Cordelia bit her lip as she looked around for a something wooden and pointy and spotted a broken crate. She edged backwards towards it, keeping her eyes on the still vampire lying on the floor. When she felt safe enough to turn round to grab a piece of wood, she did and quickly spun back.
She breathed a sigh of relief when she saw Angelus was still lying in the same place, it didn't seem like he was pretending but you never knew, right? Cordelia gripped the wood in both her hands as she inched over towards him until her feet were precariously close to him. "Ok, on three," she urged herself as she raised the stake high.
"One...two...three," Cordelia whispered, wide eyes on his face, her hands didn't move at all. She shook her head and focused her eyes on where his heart would be. "Again on three," she repeated as she took more deep breaths that did nothing to calm her down.
"One...two...three." Cordelia cringed, "I can do this, not a problem. He's evil it's not like I'm killing anybody whose lying helplessly and defenseless, right?" she asked herself. Panic set in.
"Oh God, I am trying to kill a helpless and defenseless person...vampire," Cordelia panicked. She couldn't do it, not with him just lying there like that, all bruised and battered. Nope, that stake wasn't going near his heart at all, no matter how much she willed it too.
She placed the stake next to him on the ground as if to say 'I could've killed you, but I didn't' and hoped he would get the message when he woke up. Cordelia left the alley and Angelus to hurry towards the car park at the end of the street.
She paused in her journey, bit her lip and turned back round in the direction of the alley. Her feet began moving towards the ally and back to an unconscious Angelus. She couldn't just leave him there like that, what if he didn't wake up before the sun rose?
What if...?
Cordelia stopped next to Angelus once more, and bit her lip again as she looked down at him. "What to do when faced with a stone cold vamp," she mused as she debated what to do with him. "They don't breathe, so that leaves out the CPR and the heart thingy. If I shake him awake, he'll probably accuse me as his assailant. Shaking him awake it is then," Cordelia said in false brightness.
She kneeled down at his side and shook him gently, moving away quickly just in case he lashed out. She waited a few moments and seeing no reaction or signs of movement, Cordelia went back to kneeling at his side. She shook him again, but this time stayed put.
"Angelus." Cordelia shook him a little harder and spoke to him, trying to invoke any sign of movement from the vampire. "Wake up, it's a chilly night, I'm cold and want to go home," she told him needlessly.
Still, she got nothing.
"This is really just my luck," Cordelia scoffed, "Getting stuck in an alley with an unconscious dead guy. Doesn't that sound funny? No? I thought it did." She stopped the shaking since it wasn't doing any good. "Oh great, can't I even catch a break lately?" she yelled upwards.
She started speaking to the vampire again, "I can't leave you here like this and I can't stake you because you're defenseless. So, I'm gonna have to get you to my car then I'll figure out what to do." She tried to haul him off the ground, but he was too heavy. Cordelia easily got weighed down and her legs buckled and she had to drop his upper half on the ground.
"Ok, that isn't gonna work," Cordelia told him as she rubbed her hands together, trying to come up with a way to get him to her car. She had to get him semi-conscious somehow because there was no way could she get him to her car by herself, he was too heavy.
Cordelia shook his shoulders, really shook them, "WAKE UP!" she yelled as she jerked her hands on his shoulders hard. "I need you to get up because the Slayer I am not!"
Angelus groaned in pain as he was shook awake, the sound of someone yelling at him was vibrating around his ears. "Get up, I need you to be able to walk, or crawl or whatever. You're too heavy for me to carry pal."
The voice was female, soft but annoying at the same time. Angelus managed to roll over onto his side, groaning as his entire body ached and burned. "If you get up, I'll give you a whole pile of candy I swear."
Cordelia was somehow able to hook one of her arms round one of his shoulders. "Come on vamp guy, time to help me out here," she encouraged as she tried to haul him off the ground.
Angelus moved with her, as he couldn't do much apart from lean most of his weight on her supporting shoulder. Cordelia wobbled as she helped him to stand slightly bent at his waist, his arms draped limply around her shoulders as she gripped him round his waist. "I need you to walk now, put one foot in front of the other. You've been doing it for centuries now, it's not that hard," she said in a strained voice.
Cordelia fell into the side of her car as he knees gave way under the strain of carrying almost all the vampire's weight from the alley. Angelus grunted as he flopped against her, pushing her into the car body. "Oh no you don't, you're not going into space city again fangman," Cordelia warned as she found the energy from somewhere to find her car keys and open the passenger door.
"In." Cordelia grabbed the vampire again and barely managed to get him inside before slamming the door shut with a deep foreboding breath. She used the car body to support herself as she limped around to her side of the car and got in.
Her head turned to Angelus who had passed out again, "What the hell am I gonna do now?" she asked as she reached a loss.
Cordelia pulled the unconscious vampire out of her car and let him land heavily on her driveway. "Okay, I can't believe I'm actually going to wake up a soulless, evil thing that wouldn't think twice about making me his dinner," she said to herself. She shook him violently a few more times and realized she wasn't getting anywhere.
"Fine, be that way. I'll just have to go all postal on your ass." Cordelia walked into her house, and a minute later came back out with a large bucket.
Angelus sprang to life as the ice cold water was poured over him. "What the hell?" he yelled as he jumped to his feet.
"Damn, you didn't melt. Why didn't you melt?" Cordelia asked, still holding the empty water bucket.
"What?" Angelus asked, the cloud of confusion still shrouding him.
"Like the wicked witch. Dorothy dumped the water on her and she melted. How come you didn't melt? You're all wicked and shit," Cordelia asked.
"What the hell are you talking about?"
"Are you that culturally stunted that you don't know one of the most famous movies of all time? You really need to get out more."
Angelus stood there dripping wet as he stared at Cordelia who using the empty bucket as a shield against him. "Did you do this to me?" he demanded.
"Like I could beat you up," Cordelia scoffed. "No, I just tripped over your stupid hand. You owe me a new pair of shoes by the way, my Jimmy's are all dirty now thanks to you."
"I don't care about your shoes. Who did this to me?" he demanded, gripping her shoulders tightly.
"I'm not your keeper. I don't know who you owe money or whatever. I do know that you are going to buy me some new shoes. And if you break my shoulders, you're paying my hospital bills and paying me restitution for missing cheerleading. I do have an image to keep up here."
Angelus looked down at his soaked clothing and growled again.
"Okay, the growling is getting lame. Used to be scary, now getting lame."
"Invite me in," he ordered the brunette. He had to get out of the wet leather that clung to him in all the wrong places. When she stuck her tongue out at him, he tightened his grip. "I said invite me in."
"Oh, yeah, like I'm stupid enough to say 'Sure, come on into my safe, non- dead guy infested house Angelus. Make yourself to home.'...oh shit."
"Why thank you for the invitation Cordelia."
Me and my big mouth, she cursed inwardly. "Uh, that wasn't an actual invite," Cordelia quickly retracted. "I was just kidding"
Angelus just smiled sweetly at her. "Shall we?"
Cordelia thrust the empty bucket in front of her. "I have a bucket and I'm not afraid to use it, so just back off," she threatened lamely. "I'll have you know I've hurt a lot of people with buckets in my time. I'm damned well dangerous with a bucket so if you think I'm just going to let you waltz right on in to my house. Well, you can think again mister."
Cordelia just stared as Angelus walked past her, blatantly ignoring her threats, his leather squelching with the water she had thrown over him.
"Hey! Hey, where do you think you're going?" she yelled as he didn't stop when he got to her door.
"I'm going inside where I can get dry," Angelus threw over his shoulder.
"No, hold it. HOLD IT!" Cordelia bolted to stop him before he entered her house. "You can't go in there!"
"I think I can, you just invited me. Thanks for that by the way, it was very kind of you."
"I so did not invite you! I was being sarcastic! Go look it up...that is if you can even read a dictionary!"
"Give me one reason that I shouldn't kill you right now?" Angelus asked, his face inches from hers.
"I saved your evil ass, how about that for starters?" she answered, holding her ground.
"Well, that was a stupid mistake on your part."
"Well, if you're not going to be grateful, next time I'll leave your sorry leather-self on the sidewalk to go up in flames. I won't even have the decency to stake you!" she huffed and pushed passed him into her house. She slammed the door behind her, knowing that it wouldn't do any good, but it felt great nonetheless.
Angelus growled at her obvious defiance and shoved the door open. As the heavy wood swung open, it caught Cordelia and threw her across the room. She landed in the living room doorway with an involuntary moan.
Cordy willed her eyes to open long enough to see Angelus walk unhindered into her sanctuary, that evil, sadistic smile spreading across his face. And then it was dark.
Author: Lilyana_Vamp & Sunscorched
Email: Lilyana_vamp@yahoo.com Aurora_plym_uk@yahoo.com
Rating: PG-13 for mild language for now
Category: Humour
Summary: Some vampires are just ungrateful
Content: C/Aus
Spoilers: None
Disclaimer: None of the characters belong to either myself or Lilyana_Vamp. All characters are owned by ME.
Distribution: NF, if you want it please feel free to ask either of us.
Notes: Set during BTVS S2
Part 1, The Finding
Cordelia walked quickly past the darkened alley, ever since she had found out about vampires and demons, she had avoided darkened alleys like the plague. God only knows what could come out of one if you weren't careful.
She picked up her pace and tripped over something, sending her to her knees. "OWW!" Cordelia yelped as her knees connected with the ground below her. A shooting pain now throbbed in both her legs as she stood up, "Damn it" she swore as she leaned down to pick up her dropped purse. As she did so, she spotted the thing that she had tripped over poking out of the darkness.
Cordelia looked a little closer, her face scrunching up in disgust as she recognized a hand. "Oh, ew EWWWW!" she cried in disgust as she prodded the hand in quick, sharp movements with her finger, trying to detect for any signs of life.
The hand remained still all through her prodding and poking. "Come on Cor, just leave the hand alone, go and call the Demon Patrol, let them deal with it," she told herself as she moved away. Cordelia paused in her moving, what if the person that owned the hand was in real trouble? What if they had been attacked and weren't dead yet? Or what if they had a medical problem?
Before she was even aware of what she was doing, Cordelia was edging slowly and unsurely into the darkened alley, eyes riveted on the hand and arm that lay still. "Ok, just take it niiiice and easy," she told herself as she took deep, non-calming breaths.
She followed the arm that was encased in black leather, all the way to a shoulder; her eyes ran across a pale neck and landed on a bruised face. Cordelia's eyes widened as she clamped her hand over her mouth to stifle her gasp. "Oh shit," she whimpered lightly behind her hand.
Angelus was completely out cold in front of her, well he looked it anyway. He had bruises covering his face, dried blood on his nose and lips and yes, he was definitely out cold. Whatever he had been fighting had beaten the ever holy crap out of him and left him here.
Cordelia bit her lip as she looked around for a something wooden and pointy and spotted a broken crate. She edged backwards towards it, keeping her eyes on the still vampire lying on the floor. When she felt safe enough to turn round to grab a piece of wood, she did and quickly spun back.
She breathed a sigh of relief when she saw Angelus was still lying in the same place, it didn't seem like he was pretending but you never knew, right? Cordelia gripped the wood in both her hands as she inched over towards him until her feet were precariously close to him. "Ok, on three," she urged herself as she raised the stake high.
"One...two...three," Cordelia whispered, wide eyes on his face, her hands didn't move at all. She shook her head and focused her eyes on where his heart would be. "Again on three," she repeated as she took more deep breaths that did nothing to calm her down.
"One...two...three." Cordelia cringed, "I can do this, not a problem. He's evil it's not like I'm killing anybody whose lying helplessly and defenseless, right?" she asked herself. Panic set in.
"Oh God, I am trying to kill a helpless and defenseless person...vampire," Cordelia panicked. She couldn't do it, not with him just lying there like that, all bruised and battered. Nope, that stake wasn't going near his heart at all, no matter how much she willed it too.
She placed the stake next to him on the ground as if to say 'I could've killed you, but I didn't' and hoped he would get the message when he woke up. Cordelia left the alley and Angelus to hurry towards the car park at the end of the street.
She paused in her journey, bit her lip and turned back round in the direction of the alley. Her feet began moving towards the ally and back to an unconscious Angelus. She couldn't just leave him there like that, what if he didn't wake up before the sun rose?
What if...?
Cordelia stopped next to Angelus once more, and bit her lip again as she looked down at him. "What to do when faced with a stone cold vamp," she mused as she debated what to do with him. "They don't breathe, so that leaves out the CPR and the heart thingy. If I shake him awake, he'll probably accuse me as his assailant. Shaking him awake it is then," Cordelia said in false brightness.
She kneeled down at his side and shook him gently, moving away quickly just in case he lashed out. She waited a few moments and seeing no reaction or signs of movement, Cordelia went back to kneeling at his side. She shook him again, but this time stayed put.
"Angelus." Cordelia shook him a little harder and spoke to him, trying to invoke any sign of movement from the vampire. "Wake up, it's a chilly night, I'm cold and want to go home," she told him needlessly.
Still, she got nothing.
"This is really just my luck," Cordelia scoffed, "Getting stuck in an alley with an unconscious dead guy. Doesn't that sound funny? No? I thought it did." She stopped the shaking since it wasn't doing any good. "Oh great, can't I even catch a break lately?" she yelled upwards.
She started speaking to the vampire again, "I can't leave you here like this and I can't stake you because you're defenseless. So, I'm gonna have to get you to my car then I'll figure out what to do." She tried to haul him off the ground, but he was too heavy. Cordelia easily got weighed down and her legs buckled and she had to drop his upper half on the ground.
"Ok, that isn't gonna work," Cordelia told him as she rubbed her hands together, trying to come up with a way to get him to her car. She had to get him semi-conscious somehow because there was no way could she get him to her car by herself, he was too heavy.
Cordelia shook his shoulders, really shook them, "WAKE UP!" she yelled as she jerked her hands on his shoulders hard. "I need you to get up because the Slayer I am not!"
Angelus groaned in pain as he was shook awake, the sound of someone yelling at him was vibrating around his ears. "Get up, I need you to be able to walk, or crawl or whatever. You're too heavy for me to carry pal."
The voice was female, soft but annoying at the same time. Angelus managed to roll over onto his side, groaning as his entire body ached and burned. "If you get up, I'll give you a whole pile of candy I swear."
Cordelia was somehow able to hook one of her arms round one of his shoulders. "Come on vamp guy, time to help me out here," she encouraged as she tried to haul him off the ground.
Angelus moved with her, as he couldn't do much apart from lean most of his weight on her supporting shoulder. Cordelia wobbled as she helped him to stand slightly bent at his waist, his arms draped limply around her shoulders as she gripped him round his waist. "I need you to walk now, put one foot in front of the other. You've been doing it for centuries now, it's not that hard," she said in a strained voice.
Cordelia fell into the side of her car as he knees gave way under the strain of carrying almost all the vampire's weight from the alley. Angelus grunted as he flopped against her, pushing her into the car body. "Oh no you don't, you're not going into space city again fangman," Cordelia warned as she found the energy from somewhere to find her car keys and open the passenger door.
"In." Cordelia grabbed the vampire again and barely managed to get him inside before slamming the door shut with a deep foreboding breath. She used the car body to support herself as she limped around to her side of the car and got in.
Her head turned to Angelus who had passed out again, "What the hell am I gonna do now?" she asked as she reached a loss.
Cordelia pulled the unconscious vampire out of her car and let him land heavily on her driveway. "Okay, I can't believe I'm actually going to wake up a soulless, evil thing that wouldn't think twice about making me his dinner," she said to herself. She shook him violently a few more times and realized she wasn't getting anywhere.
"Fine, be that way. I'll just have to go all postal on your ass." Cordelia walked into her house, and a minute later came back out with a large bucket.
Angelus sprang to life as the ice cold water was poured over him. "What the hell?" he yelled as he jumped to his feet.
"Damn, you didn't melt. Why didn't you melt?" Cordelia asked, still holding the empty water bucket.
"What?" Angelus asked, the cloud of confusion still shrouding him.
"Like the wicked witch. Dorothy dumped the water on her and she melted. How come you didn't melt? You're all wicked and shit," Cordelia asked.
"What the hell are you talking about?"
"Are you that culturally stunted that you don't know one of the most famous movies of all time? You really need to get out more."
Angelus stood there dripping wet as he stared at Cordelia who using the empty bucket as a shield against him. "Did you do this to me?" he demanded.
"Like I could beat you up," Cordelia scoffed. "No, I just tripped over your stupid hand. You owe me a new pair of shoes by the way, my Jimmy's are all dirty now thanks to you."
"I don't care about your shoes. Who did this to me?" he demanded, gripping her shoulders tightly.
"I'm not your keeper. I don't know who you owe money or whatever. I do know that you are going to buy me some new shoes. And if you break my shoulders, you're paying my hospital bills and paying me restitution for missing cheerleading. I do have an image to keep up here."
Angelus looked down at his soaked clothing and growled again.
"Okay, the growling is getting lame. Used to be scary, now getting lame."
"Invite me in," he ordered the brunette. He had to get out of the wet leather that clung to him in all the wrong places. When she stuck her tongue out at him, he tightened his grip. "I said invite me in."
"Oh, yeah, like I'm stupid enough to say 'Sure, come on into my safe, non- dead guy infested house Angelus. Make yourself to home.'...oh shit."
"Why thank you for the invitation Cordelia."
Me and my big mouth, she cursed inwardly. "Uh, that wasn't an actual invite," Cordelia quickly retracted. "I was just kidding"
Angelus just smiled sweetly at her. "Shall we?"
Cordelia thrust the empty bucket in front of her. "I have a bucket and I'm not afraid to use it, so just back off," she threatened lamely. "I'll have you know I've hurt a lot of people with buckets in my time. I'm damned well dangerous with a bucket so if you think I'm just going to let you waltz right on in to my house. Well, you can think again mister."
Cordelia just stared as Angelus walked past her, blatantly ignoring her threats, his leather squelching with the water she had thrown over him.
"Hey! Hey, where do you think you're going?" she yelled as he didn't stop when he got to her door.
"I'm going inside where I can get dry," Angelus threw over his shoulder.
"No, hold it. HOLD IT!" Cordelia bolted to stop him before he entered her house. "You can't go in there!"
"I think I can, you just invited me. Thanks for that by the way, it was very kind of you."
"I so did not invite you! I was being sarcastic! Go look it up...that is if you can even read a dictionary!"
"Give me one reason that I shouldn't kill you right now?" Angelus asked, his face inches from hers.
"I saved your evil ass, how about that for starters?" she answered, holding her ground.
"Well, that was a stupid mistake on your part."
"Well, if you're not going to be grateful, next time I'll leave your sorry leather-self on the sidewalk to go up in flames. I won't even have the decency to stake you!" she huffed and pushed passed him into her house. She slammed the door behind her, knowing that it wouldn't do any good, but it felt great nonetheless.
Angelus growled at her obvious defiance and shoved the door open. As the heavy wood swung open, it caught Cordelia and threw her across the room. She landed in the living room doorway with an involuntary moan.
Cordy willed her eyes to open long enough to see Angelus walk unhindered into her sanctuary, that evil, sadistic smile spreading across his face. And then it was dark.
