James walked out of Dumbledore's office and down the staircase. He walked along the corridors and up to the portrait of the fat lady. He walked into the common room. He walked across the common room and up the stairs. He walked into his dormitory, slammed the door behind him and collapsed onto his bed, uncontrollably shaking with fear.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Remus and Sirius looked up from their game of Wizards Chess closely watched by Freddie (Remus was winning, quite predictably, and much to Sirius' annoyance) when their good friend James walked into the common room. The three boys jumped up instantly. "James, what did Dumbledore say?" Sirius asked as James walked up to them. But then he walked straight past them and up the stairs to his dormitory. They heard the slam of a door and then that was it.
"What was that?" asked Freddie.
"That would be James ignoring us," said Remus, sitting down and staring hard at his chess pieces.
Freddie sighed. "Well yeah, I managed to get as far as him ignoring us."
"Just give him time," Sirius said. "Technically, this is none of our business, but I'm sure James will tell us as soon as he's ready. Freddie sat back in irritation, angry at not getting any answers to any of the bazillion questions he had formed in his impatient mind over the last few hours of boredly watching Remus and Sirius play their endless games of Wizards Chess in which Sirius had won once and Remus had won about ten times which had begun to get boring and predictable.
In the next hour that passed, Remus won another four games and Sirius had angrily knocked the chess board over "accidently" and made the accusation that the board was titled. When Remus asked why this would have any affect on the game, Sirius blushed and mumbles something that included the words, "cheater", "titled", and "go to hell", which made Freddie and Remus burst into uncontrollable laughter.
Their laughter soon stopped when James walked down the stairs and into the common room with a strange look on his face. It was as if the realisation had hit him that he would in fact have to come out of his dormitory eventually, or risk people going in there when he wasn't ready for him, and it looked as if this fact annoyed him greatly. James walked over and sat down on an empty red chair next to Remus, saying nothing.
Remus raised an eyebrow at Sirius, saying, You're his best friend, you ask him.
Sirius frowned, his expression saying, You're his best friend as well, YOU ask him!
You've known him longer, Remus' expression read as he nodded in James' direction.
"Don't face-talk," said James suddenly, surprising and annoying them both. "It's annoying and I know what you're saying. Who's going to ask him what the deadly news that Dumbledore told him is? Well, I might as well tell you." James' voice was very quiet and subdued as he stared at the fire, the main object of his sight. He hadn't looked any one of them in the face since he had left the Great Hall. James sighed. It wasn't an impatient sigh; it was a weary sigh, a sad sigh. A sigh that said he had no way of contemplating of how to cope with this new information. After what felt like an age to Remus, Sirius and Freddie, James croaked, "It's my parents. They're…they're dead. They were killed. Voldemort killed them." Sirius gasped. "Voldemort killed my parents."
Freddie's mouth dropped open. He, unlike Remus and Sirius, had never met James' parents, having only that year become quite good friends with him. But he couldn't imagine the terrible feeling of having your parents…dead… Freddie felt a shudder pass through them as he imagined his own parents (lovely people - muggles), sitting at home on the sofa, watching some detective program, when a tall man bursts into their loving home, they here the dog bark, the strange man taunts them terribly before he whispers the one curse which is sure to kill them instantly: "Advra Kedavra…"
Freddie looked round and wasn't surprised when he saw that Sirius had tears in his eyes. Sirius had no parents. Freddie had never known the story to that and had never asked, but he did know that Sirius' parents had died, or left him, when he was very young, and he spent most of his holidays at James' house. Freddie realised that James' parents must have been just like parents to Sirius. But of course, no matter how any of them felt, no one at that moment could have felt worse than James did.
Remus did something then that was a very un-Remus thing to do. He walked over to James, knelt down, and hugged him, hard, saying absolutely nothing. James burst into tears and cried shamelessly into his friends' shoulder. Sirius sat still for a moment with his mouth literally dangling open, tears still in his eyes and now dripping soundlessly down his face, before he too walked over and joined the group hug. Freddie felt uncomfortable. There was something in the Marauder friendship that no one else could interpret or get involved in or even begin to understand. He stood up silently and walked over to the portrait hole, leaving the common room.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
No one noticed Freddie leave. James clung onto his friends as though if he let go of them, they would leave him too. After about ten minutes, Remus prised himself off of James, and Sirius did the same. James put his head into his hands, sobbing uncontrollably. "It's ok to cry," Remus said, not even caring if he sounded like a girl.
"What did Dumbledore say?" asked Sirius quietly.
James gasped for breath and still would not look at them. "That little man you saw…he's my uncle…he was the first to find them, and thought it better…for me to know in person…he was my father's brother…his name is Bill…" James obviously thought that every detail that somehow linked to his parents was important, as if he were grasping to hold on to the memory of them. "It was Bill who told me…then Dumbledore just said that we'd have to be extra cautious…he talked for longer, but I don't…I don't know…I wasn't listening…"
Remus made soothing noises and rubbed James' back which he knew was despairingly pathetic, but he didn't know what else to do. He knew James' parents well; they had been lovely people, and to try to comfort someone when you too are in grief, especially when there is no hope, no light, is a hard thing to try and do.
"Where's Peter?" asked James, but before Remus or Sirius could answer him, a voice sounded interrupting them.
"Hi," said Lily from the bottom of the stairs leading to her dormitory. As Sirius looked up with tears streaking his cheeks, and as Remus looked up with the gravest face he'd ever worn, Lily's smiled immediately faded, all thoughts of apologising to her friends gone. She saw James, but he was facing away from her, so she couldn't read his expression. "Oh my…what's happened? What's wrong?"
Remus and Sirius looked at each other. Lily was about to protest when she remembered earlier; oh great, another secret kept from me. Lily moved cautiously forward around to see James. Remus was about to push her back when he realised that James would have to talk to Lily eventually.
Lily knelt on the floor and looked up at James who removed his hands and looked down at her. "Oh, James…" she said, seeing the state he was in. "What's happened? Is it about what Dumbledore said?"
James nodded. "My parents are dead…" he whispered, and Lily gasped in shock. She was going to ask how they'd died, when instead she leaned up, pulling him into a hug. James was reluctant at first, but then grabbed her back tightly. He'd stopped crying, but he buried his face into Lily's shoulder. He missed being with her so much. He missed her smell, her embrace, her soft fiery hair…
Suddenly Lily felt James tighten up, and he pulled away not looking at her. "James?" she said uncertainly. James stood up. "Lily," he started in a stiff voice. "This doesn't change anything, you know. Thank you for being here for me, as a friend."
Lily stood up slowly. "Fine," she said. New tears sprung up in her eyes. "I'm sorry about your parents," she said sincerely. Then she marched out of the room and out through the portrait hole. James firm expression immediately left his face and he flopped onto his chair, leaning back and closing his eyes.
Remus and Sirius approached cautiously, sitting either side of him, Sirius on a chair, Remus on the floor. "Prongs?" Sirius encouraged. "What was all that about?"
James opened his eyes and looked at them each in turn. "My parents have just died. I'm going to miss them so…so much. I don't know what I'm going to do now that they're gone. I don't think I've quite come to terms with it yet; I just can't believe it, it's just such a stupid thing to have to deal with. This is the worst kind of pain imaginable; knowing…knowing that I'll never…I'll never…that I'm never going to…I'll never see them again…" James was breathing raggedly and it was obvious that all this was hard to get out, especially through the tears rolling down his cheeks. "It's obvious that Voldemort's watching me. Closely. If I go out with Lily, he'll find out someway. I know he will. If he finds out how much I love her…" James stopped and took a deep breath in. "He'll kill her. And I am not going to go through this again…" At that moment James stopped and started crying again, collapsing onto the floor in a state of complete despair and agony, with only his friends to comfort him.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Lily had felt terrible the moment she had stalked out of the common room. Who was she to be in a huff and feel sorry for herself and actually feel angry at James? His parents had just died, and she was angry at him for pretending like he didn't love her. He had more important things to worry about; he didn't need an ex-girlfriend who wouldn't leave him alone hanging over his shoulder.
It had now been a week past, and Lily had barely spoken to James. No one had for that matter. He walked around the school with a set expression on his face, looking so fragile that people thought he might shatter into pieces if they even touched him or went near him.
Lily walked into the Great Hall. She was feeling nervous; Gryffindor had a Quidditch match against Slytherin, and she knew for a fact that Gryffindor hadn't practiced all week. James was the one who called together the practices, and he hadn't mentioned his favourite sport for a long time.
Lily walked up to her friends and smiled, sitting down in between Lyndsay and Sirius, and opposite Peter, James and Remus. "Hi," she said nervously. Having not spoken to her friends for a while, she couldn't remember whether they were still friends or not. Lyndsay smiled at her and the boys nodded their head in acknowledgement; James didn't though. Lily was happy with this small welcome that she got, and picked up a slice of toast, munching on it.
"Quidditch match should be in about half an hour…" Remus mumbled.
"I told you," said James, not looking up from his breakfast. "I'm not playing."
Lily assumed from the looks she got from her friends that this conversation hadn't only just started.
"Prongs, you have to play!" said Sirius, leaning forward. "You're the captain. We can't play without you."
"Get someone to take my place," James said slowly, looking at Sirius dangerously.
Sirius frowned. "Who are we going to get, huh? There's no one who can take your place, not even for one match."
"Look," said James, "if Lola catches the snitch, then you won't even need me."
Sirius leaned back. "Assuming that Slytherin doesn't kick our asses with goals first."
Silence. Lily looked at Lyndsay who half-smiled at her. They all knew that James was the best chaser the school had seen for years, and although Johnson and Porkey were good, they were all sure as hell that without James, whether Lola caught the snitch or not, they were going to lose.
Remus frowned. "This is a very important match, you know," he started.
"Do I look like I care?" Everyone stared at James. He really didn't.
Remus blinked. "Yes," he said, surprising everyone. "You care a lot. You care so much, that you're not going to play, because you're worried about how badly you'll do. You're worried that you might freak out in the middle of the match, or have a breakdown or something. And you're worried that everyone will be mad at you, thinking you've lost your touch, blaming you for losing the match. And then you're worried that you'll start blaming yourself…about things that are a lot worse than some stupid fucking Quidditch match that you couldn't believe you were even worried about in the first place."
James stared at Remus and then looked down hard at the table, not moving. From this everyone knew that Remus was right. Then James stood up with such force he knocked his chair down; he slammed his fists down on the table at the same time and his goblet and many goblets around fell over, liquid spilling out everywhere. "Fuck you," James said to no one in particular, before walking out of the hall with a hundred eyes staring after him.
"James, wai…" Remus stopped, knowing it was no good. "Shit," he said, sitting back down after he'd stood up to call after James. "Now all I've done is piss him off."
Sirius shrugged. "At least you made him realise the truth. Now he can go get his anger out."
Remus' eyes widened. He looked around the hall over at the Slytherin table. A few of its more important members weren't there. Sirius followed his friends' gaze and cursed when he saw the empty seats at his enemys' table. He stood up, running out of the hall. Remus followed him, quickly. Lily looked at Peter then at Lyndsay. "What was all that about?" she asked. Lyndsay shrugged, Peter just went pale and did nothing. Lily frowned at him. He'd been acting really strange lately. And now, when he should be following his friends, he wasn't. From what she knew he hadn't even talked to James about his parents yet. Hadn't offered him any comfort at all or anything like that.
"Peter, are you alright?" she asked.
Peter looked up at her sharply. "Of course," he said sharply. "I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be fine?"
"Well…your friends just left the hall, and James is obviously upset and angry. Shouldn't you be going with them?"
"No! I don't have to be with them all the time, do I!" Peter shocked Lily. She had never seen the small, nervous, clumsy boy so angry before.
"No, no you don't have to be with them all the time," Lyndsay said, stepping in, "but they are your best friends, and…"
"So what if they're my best friends?" Peter said standing up. "That doesn't meant they're necessarily right all the time. Doesn't mean I have to follow the same path as them all the time. Am I allowed to be myself occasionally? Is that too much to ask?" Peter then too walked out of the hall, leaving Lyndsay and Lily in shock.
"Now what the hell was all that about?" asked Lyndsay.
Lily shook her head slowly. "I don't know. What was he going on about?"
Lyndsay shrugged.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
James stalked out of the hall with his fists clenched tightly at his side. Stupid Remus – thinking he knew everything. He didn't know anything about how James was feeling. None of them did, despite what their stupid brains told him. He just didn't want to play Quidditch today, and it was nobody's business why.
James ignored the painful part of his brain that told him the reason he was so angry, especially at Remus, was because no one had come that close to the truth before about the way James was feeling.
He supposed he probably should play Quidditch. Let his anger out with flying, get hit by a bludger a few times just to feel the pain of it, to take his mind off his parents. Isn't that what you were supposed to do? Everyone always said that you had to get on with your life. You had to stop thinking about them. But James couldn't stop thinking. All he could think about was his mum, looking after him when he felt ill, when one of his older brothers had put a stupid curse on him. James remembered feeling so jealous when he was the only one out of four kids still not at Hogwarts. The year his youngest older brother had gone off to Hogwarts, he'd remembered feeling so lonely. Without Amy to read with him, without Eric to practice Quidditch with him, even without Damien to play tricks on him and tease him, life just didn't feel right. He'd felt as lonely as hell, and his parents had known that, and they had been so kind to him. They weren't angry when he had tantrums for no reason, or when he lashed out or did badly at school. They spent so much time with him, they bought him things, they even read with him and his father had even attempted at practising Quidditch with him, even though he wasn't very good.
James stopped walking and fell to the floor, curling up against the wall as soon as he'd fallen. Amy, the oldest, at 25, was married with a daughter and worked in the ministry. Eric at 23 was an auror, and Damien, who was only two years older than James at 19, worked in a shop in Diagon Alley. They all had other lives that didn't evolve around their parents. James didn't. James could feel the child inside of him screaming, bursting with pain and agony, but tears never even left James' eyes. He just sat on the floor shaking.
"What's this?" James didn't look up at the scrawling voice. He knew it had to be Malfoy. He could tell by the heavy block of light to the left of him that someone else was with him; most probably Snape. "And what's wrong with you today, Perfect Potter?" Lucius asked, laughing sharply. James couldn't believe that Malfoy had no heart at all. He knew James' parents had died, and still he taunted and ridiculed him. James felt the anger bubble up inside of him, and before he knew what he was doing, he had stood up angrily, reaching for his wand, and had muttered the first curse that had come into his head, wand pointed directly at Malfoy.
Snape had acted quick. As soon as Malfoy's head had hit the floor, he whipped his own wand out. "Don't," he said quietly.
James tried to smile, but didn't. "Don't, what?" he asked dangerously.
Nothing more was said. Malfoy stood up quickly, but before he could race towards James, the two most annoying people he felt had ever existed turned up; Black and Lupin.
"Stop," Remus said forcefully. While Sirius tried to push James back, to get him away, Remus walked up to the two Slytherins. "Whatever he did I'm sure you deserved it," he said, dangerously close to Malfoy's face. "I can't believe you. Do you even have anything in you? Anything that can make you feel sorry for a man who just lost his parents? The two people who are supposed to always be there, until you're old with your own family…"
"Do shut up, you're making me so sad," Lucius said in a monotone. He yawned. "Yes, yes, let's all feel sorry for Potter. Because he's the only one who's ever lost his parents." Lucius turned and stalked off. Severus, whom had a little more heart than his friend, looked at Remus with questioning eyes. Remus nodded, saying it was ok, and that they'd look after James. Severus ran off after Lucius, and Remus turned back to Sirius and James.
"I'm fine," James was saying through clenched teeth. "Nothing happened."
Sirius looked unconvinced, and neither Sirius nor Remus said anything about the visible streaks down James' cheeks. "Come on," James said, suddenly bright, shocking his best friends. "Let's go play Quidditch. Nothing better to do, right?" He walked off down the corridor, and Remus and Sirius followed slowly, and at a safe distance.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
a/n: ok, crappy chapter, SLOW TORTOISE, slow story, sorry it's been a while, but there you are. The more reviews I get, the more I'll be forced into writing the next chapter.
I don't really understand why I'm getting so many reviews, I really don't. I'm not saying this out of modesty of anything, but I really don't like this story! I think it's kinda crap! If I were reading it I would have stopped a long time ago. But hey, I'll try and get it finished, for you guys. : ) keep reviewing with thoughts and comments!
~rowanx
