James walked down to breakfast the next day with a feeling of numbness. The previous night he remembered crying, he remembered pain, he remembered Lily's soothing voice, and he remembered her safe embrace, but…he couldn't remember much else. Oh, he remembered the pole dancing of course. Most unfortunately that was the one thing he couldn't forget. He sat down next to Sirius and said hello. Sirius nodded in reply, scanning his face quickly, and then looked away. James sighed. Everyone was being really weird. He wished they would just treat him normally. His parents died, yeah, but… No. James shook his head. He would be acting weirdly around anyone if their parents had died. I mean, what do you say when you have absolutely no idea how the other is feeling? But Sirius knew. "You alright?" James asked.

Sirius nodded without looking at his friends' face. "Hey," said James. "Look at me." Sirius looked up. "You remember how it is, right?" Sirius nodded slowly with a strange look on his face. "No special treatment. Ok?" With a slight hesitation, Sirius nodded. James clapped his friend on the back and started biting into his toast. "So what have we got first?"

"Transfiguration," Sirius answered back. James nodded. Together the two finished their breakfasts and got up without a word, heading side by side to Transfiguration.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"Hey Lily." James sat down next to her but she didn't say anything. Sirius sat in the row in front and turned round.

"Lily, are you alright?" he asked. Lily still kept staring down at her books with her arms crossed, as if determined not to crack and to stay angry. Though why she was angry was beyond the two boys. James raised an eyebrow at Sirius who grinned back. After three exact seconds, the two boys lunged at Lily, tickling her ferociously. Lily started giggling uncontrollably. Lindsay ran over in an attempt to help but just got tickled by Sirius instead. James continued to tickle Lily until she had tears in her eyes from laughing so much and was begging him to stop. He did and stayed looking at her for a moment. Lily stared at him in wonder. She wished she could read his mind. After a few moments James drew back and leaned back in his chair, facing forward and twiddling his quill in one hand.

Lily brushed the messed-up hair out of her eyes and tried to pretend she couldn't see the suggestive looks Sirius and Lindsay were sending her and James' way. Lily desperately tried to remember why she was angry, but it didn't seem so important anymore.

Halfway through the lesson, when they were just copying down notes from some books, James said, "Hey, are we still on for Hogsmeade on Saturday?" Lily nodded slowly. A little thought was prickling at the back of her mind, and she knew it wasn't going to go away. James frowned, seeing Lily's quiet anguish. "What's wrong?" he asked, sounding perhaps a little too kind. Lily looked at him despairingly. She coughed and looked down at her books. "The other night, when you pole-danced; well, I don't know if you remember because, well, you…you were…"

"I had a bit of a breakdown," James finished for her, smiling wryly.

Lily nodded sympathetically and looked back up at him. "You said something that I don't know was important or just some mumbled words from a guy who's parents have just died. Or maybe it is important, and if it is, I want to know why."

James nodded slowly. "What did I say?" he asked. Out of the corner of his eyes he could tell that Sirius had stopped writing to listen to their conversation.

Lily gulped. "You said something like, how you couldn't – kiss me," she blushed, "and how you wish I knew and if only I understood."

James expression had hardened and the body in front had tensed quite a bit as well, though not to the knowledge of Lily who was paying only attention to James. James gulped and then stared hard at his notebook and back to Lily again. Lily sighed. He was getting ready to lie. "Don't," she said, holding up a hand as he opened his mouth to speak. "If you're not going to tell me the truth, don't bother." She had been hoping that maybe that would get him to tell her the truth, but instead he just nodded feebly and went slowly back to his work. Lily did the same. But Sirius didn't work for the rest of the lesson.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"Are you alright Lily?" asked Sirius, catching up to her after class. James was nowhere to be seen.

Lily shrugged. "Sure. My boyfriend is lying to me, I haven't a clue why, and I completely forgot about our Potions homework for next lesson."

Sirius smiled. "He's not your boyfriend Lily?" Lily raised an eyebrow questioningly. "You called James your boyfriend," Sirius explained.

Lily went bright red. "Did I?" she asked. "Oh hell… I'm never going to get over him unless I understand why I have to! Do you know? I mean, you are his best friend, he probably told you, right? Unless it's something so horrible he can't even tell you about it. Oh no, but what if it's something so terrible that he had to tell you? Or –"

"Lily!" Sirius clamped a hand over Lily's mouth. "Please, stop, you're rambling."

Lily blushed again. "Sorry," she said. She sighed. "This is just so annoying. I love him."

"I know you do," Sirius said. "Look, I'm sure James has his reasons. I don't know why he's not with you, but you can see how much it pains him, can't you? He will come to his senses, trust me."

Lily smiled in appreciation. She hugged him lightly before the two continued to Potions. When they entered the classroom, all the students were there, but the professor wasn't. They assumed that the he was late, as usual. Looking around, the two couldn't see James anywhere. Sirius walked up to Remus. "Hey, you seen James?" he asked.

"No," Remus answered. "He was in your class."

Sirius looked around again. "He left before us, he should be here." Remus stood up. "I'll go," said Sirius, turning.

"I'm coming with you," said Remus.

"What's going on?" yelled out Lily as the two fled from the classroom.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

James stood on the top of Hogswarts holding onto his broomstick. He sat on the roof and wept into his hands. Sometimes he was perfectly fine and the next he was crying uncontrollably. What was wrong with him?

Your parents are dead, that's what's wrong with you, said a little voice in the back of his head.

James nodded. But he thought it was more than that.

You've not only lost one part of your heart, the voice said, your parents. You've lost Lily too. The biggest part.

James frowned. How can I love Lily more than my parents? he thought.

She's your soul mate, that's why.

How do you know? Anyway, I don't believe in all that soul mate bull.

No you didn't, did you? Not until you met Lily anyway. James didn't answer. That's when you did start believing. And then all this happened, and it squashed your belief, didn't it?

I just want to be with her. Why is that so hard? I need her.

No one said you couldn't be with her.

But I don't want her to die…

Who said she wasn't going to die anyway? Just because you two aren't officially dating, it doesn't mean that Voldemort won't obviously see your love that shines out so clearly anyway and kill the two of you. And then you'll just have died unhappy and not together.

James thought about this for a long time, and was thinking about it so hard, that he barely noticed his friends flying up beside him. When he finally did realise they were there, they were sitting down next to him quietly and he said, "How did you know I was up here?"

"It's where we all go," answered Remus simply. "This is the highest place you can be. The best place to think." James looked at the mountains surrounding him. It was a beautiful view.

"We thought you might do something stupid, so we came up here." James couldn't help but laugh and Remus looked offended.

"Sorry," said James, his sudden change of mood startling himself more than it startled his friends. "But why would I kill myself?"

"Hmm," said Sirius sarcastically, let's make a list…" Remus punched him and Sirius stopped. "Then again, maybe a list of reasons why you should kill yourself isn't the best of things to be talking about right now."

James sighed. "I want Lily," he said quietly. His friends stayed silent. "I'm going to tell her."

Remus and Sirius started talking at the same time and James laughed again. "One at a time!" he said.

Remus glared at Sirius who glared back. Eventually Remus looked away and Sirius grinned triumphantly. "I think that's great," said Sirius. "After all, if you're as unhappy as you are now, who's to say you can't be with Lily right now."

"I agree," said Remus. Silence.

"What, that's it?" asked James.

"You were saying loads over the top of me and all you had to say was, 'I agree'?" Sirius said.

"Oh, I was just saying blahblahblah," explained Remus. The three boys started laughing again and flew off the castle to its grounds. They didn't bother going back to Potions. They'd missed half the lesson anyway. Instead they flew around the Quidditch Field, James showing off, and raced each other around the school.