"Ok," James muttered to himself. "Next time you see her, just tell her. No, wait," he stopped walking, breathed, and continued walking again. "No, I can't just tell her. Just out like that. That's stupid. Ok, so I tell her that there's something I need to tell her about needing to tell her something, and – no, that's too many 'tell's." James rubbed his face in agony. How was he going to tell her? "Right," he muttered again. "Why don't I just improvise, because planning what I'm going to say obviously isn't working too well."
Remus and Sirius, who were walking behind James, grinned at each other in amusement. They were pretty sure they'd never heard James talk to himself before, and it was all they could do not to crack up.
"Where's Peter?" asked Remus all of a sudden.
Sirius turned round. "Oh," he said, sounding surprised. "I don't know. I'm sure he was with us a second ago."
"Is it just me or has Wormtail been acting really weird lately?" said James, turning around and walking backwards, to join in his friends' conversation.
Remus shrugged. "Couldn't say, he's barely been around."
"Well, next time we see him, we'll have a nice long chat with him. I guess we should have asked earlier if there was anything wrong, but I thought if there was something up he'd just tell us," Sirius admitted.
James nodded. "I don't think I've spoken to him for a week," he said guiltily.
"Hey, it's not out fault," said Remus. "He's the one who's been so busy and wondering off without saying anything, right?" Sirius and James nodded. "I'm sure he'll be back to normal soon."
James felt something collide with his back and swivelled round just in time to catch Lily's hand before she fell to the floor. She pulled herself back up with James' hands and raised an eyebrow. "Wow," she said, "great reflexes."
"I am a Quidditch player, aren't I?" James boasted. "Not too good on eyesight though."
"Yeah, it would help if you were actually looking the right way to begin with," Lily joked, folding her arms.
James took Lily's hand in his again and bowed low to the ground. "You have my most sincere apologies, Madame," he said, kissing her hand. When he rose again and slowly let go of her hand, he felt a small poke (I say small, but James jumped with the fright and pain that gnawed into his back.) and turned round to see Sirius and Remus, wide-eyed, eyebrows raised, arms folded, and giving a very hinting look altogether. James frowned and turned back round. "Er, Lily," he started, but then the DADA teacher turned up and they were all rushed into the classroom. I'll just tell her after class, thought James.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Turned out, James didn't have another chance to talk to Lily for the rest of that day. They only had one more lesson together, Charms, and, most unfortunately for them, Professor McGonagall was taking them because Flitwick had a rather nasty green blurb disease. So basically, there was all work, no chatting. Then after Charms, Lily ran off giggling with Lindsay before James had a chance to say anything.
"Don't give me that look," James groaned in the common room that night when Remus had come in with Sirius. "It's not my fault. There just hasn't been a good time, that's all."
"Yeah right," said Sirius. "More likely that you haven't been trying hard enough to tell her. Almost like you're putting it off?" Sirius smiled. "Where is she now?"
"No idea," said James. "She's probably gone to bed for an early night or something. Look, I said I'd go to Hogsmeade with her tomorrow – I'll tell her then. I'll buy her a butterbeer. Ooze her pain…"
"Her pain, or yours?"
James frowned at Remus in annoyance. He stood up. "Come to think of it, I'm going to have an early night too." He turned around and went to his dormitory.
"He won't sleep," said Remus sadly.
Sirius nodded. "I know."
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
James lay with his arms on his head and stared at the top of his four-poster. He had given up any thoughts of sleep hours ago. He turned his head and lifted an arm to look at his watch which was lying on his table, facing towards him. It was 03:04 and he still hadn't slept even for a little while.
He sighed and rolled over. All through the night all James could think about was having to tell Lily something which he knew would scare her and most probably break her heart more. He hated hurting Lily, but he'd already made the decision. He'd put her through so much all ready. The least he could do was to offer an explanation for why he couldn't be with her even though he did love her. More than anything.
That was what James hated most. What he hated more than not telling Lily about Voldemort and the prophecy, was lying to her about the fact that he loved her. He knew she loved him, and she admitted it freely, but he didn't, and it made him feel terrible. He had to tell her the truth, he had to. And he wasn't going to change his mind. Tomorrow, as soon as I see her, I'll take her aside and just tell her, James thought determinedly. The only problem was what to say…
James heard the dormitory door creak open. He lifted his head and tried to make out the dark figure entering the room. Whoever it was closed the door and turned back round. In the glimpse of moonlight from the crack in the curtains James managed to catch who it was before they turned again and tiptoed to their bed.
He crinkled his brow and lay his head back down. What had Peter been doing that made him sneak into the dormitory at three o'clock in the morning? James did feel really guilty. He hoped that whatever Peter was doing, he wasn't doing it because James, Sirius and Remus had been…neglecting him. He was sure they hadn't been, but he'd been so stuck on his own problems, he hadn't had much time for anything else. Not even his best friend.
With this gloomy thought in his head, James slowly (somehow) drifted off into an uneasy sleep.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
"Lily!" James sat up yelling. He fell out of bed and landed on the floor with a loud thud. He sat up quickly and saw as the rest of his roommates jumped out of bed and looked confused and sleepy. Peter more than anyone else.
"Shit, James," said Sirius, holding a hand to his heart. "You scared the crap out of me."
"Yeah, what's with the wake-up call?" asked Freddie sitting back on his bed. "It's seven o'clock!"
Peter yawned and James turned sharply towards him. "You were in late last night," he said, changing the subject craftily.
Peter stopped in mid-yawn and closed his mouth slowly. "W-What do you mean?" he asked looking petrified.
"I didn't get much sleep last night, and yes, I was awake when you sneaked in at 3 o'clock in the morning. Basically, what I mean is, where the hell were you?"
Everyone turned their heads to the slowly shrinking back form that was Peter. At first he didn't say anything, and simply looked around at his friends in worry. His face then abruptly changed from worry to deep anger. He stood up and looked at James, hands clenched at his side. James raised his eyebrows. He didn't think he'd ever seen Peter angry before. He was such a nice, laid-back chap. "It's none of your business where I was! Like you care anyway! You wonder where I've been lately? Well if you, Sirius and Remus weren't so caught up in yourselves, maybe you would know. These days, it's like I'm not even a marauder anymore! You three have been keeping me from things and I'm not stupid, ok? Do you think I'm just going to trail after you three for the rest of my life? Well for your information, I have other friends. Friends who appreciate me and treat me with respect."
James looked at Sirius who raised his eyebrows. "Well, um, that's…great, Wormtail," said Remus slowly, carefully choosing his words. "Do we know them?"
"No," said Peter with scorn. "You wouldn't understand them. Well I do. And they understand me. I don't need you anymore." Saying this last sentence particularly to James, Peter stormed over to the door and slammed it heavily behind him as he exited the dormitory.
There was a strange silence left in the room. Freddie, the only one not in the marauders, was the first to break it. "Well…that was strange."
"Not only was it strange, it was just plain weird," said Sirius.
"And unexpected," added Remus.
"Yeah that too," Sirius said glumly.
James frowned and stood slowly. Without a word he got dressed, as did the others. When they finished they went down to the dormitory where they sat in a deep silence, each filled with as much confusion and guilt as the other.
"I'm worried," James said at last.
Remus sighed. "Of course you are. We all are. Peter's our friend, and look what we've done?"
Freddie coughed. "Well, technically, I'm not his best friend – I didn't do anything." The other three glared at him. "Ok, well, maybe I had a part in it," Freddie finally admitted.
James sighed. "I haven't got time for this," he said.
"Oh yeah, when did you say you'd go to Hogsmeade with Lily?" asked Sirius.
Before James could answer, Remus said, "By the way James, why the hell did you wake us up so early? Did you have a nightmare or something?"
James tried to ignore the screams and menacing laughs and skulls and pain that he remembered from his dream the previous night. "No," he said with a hint of sarcasm. "Of course I didn't." He didn't mean for them to believe the sentence. But he meant for them to understand from the sarcasm that he wasn't going to talk about it. Having known James Potter for almost seven years, Sirius and Remus instantly shut up. Freddie, however, didn't.
"Well, you must have," he said, not noticing Sirius' glares. "Why else would you fall out of bed yelling Lil-ow!" Sirius had got up, gone over to Freddie and punched him hard in the arm.
"I often find that subtle hints don't always work," Sirius said. "Sometimes you do have to revert to VIOLENCE." Remus laughed.
James looked at his watch and stood up. "Right, anyone want some breakfast?"
a/n: quite a short chapter, I know, but I'm trying to fill you with suspense for the hopefully-exciting bit coming up! MWAHAHA – yes, I am rather EVIL aren't I? :D review, and your suspense will soon be ended. ~rowanx (you'll be glad to know (I hope!) that my muse has fully returned, and has no plans as of yet for further vacations :D )
