Title: Choosing Irreversibility

Author: Annie

Genre: Romance and Drama, I guess.

Summary: Things will never be the same again... and for all the wrong reasons.

Timeline: Completely AU from the minute Danny is shot.

Distribution: Anywhere you want, and it'll be up on Cover Me as soon as I get aroudn to it.

Disclaimer: I own nothing from Alias, and any references to products or anything else, I wown nothing of that either. In fact, pretty much the only I own is nothing.

Author's Note: part two is up!!!! I hope it's as good. I'm taking some of my fave S/V moments into this story, and I think I might keep on doing that. Well read, please review, and I hope everyone is having a great summer!

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"And we'll dead drop in the airport after the CIA makes a copy of the disk. We'll delete all the other stuff on the SD-6 copy and just leave them with bare minimum information so they don't suspect anything," he says. You like the way he talks, face open and attentive, mouth pronouncing words clearly, lips in limbo and eyes shining.

His eyes shine a lot, you've noticed and you think that of his physical attributes, they might be your favorite. Of course, you haven't seen much of anything but his face.

And, a little voice in your head says, you won't. Perhaps when you first met him, it was about being true to Danny and not losing yourself in this man-- now it's being true to this man by not losing him. Once false move, one clandestine meeting discovered, one mention of this stranger who has become so important to you in such a short time, and it'll be Danny all over again.

Except this time you worry more.

Because you were--are lucky that Danny survived.

Because Vaughn might not be so lucky.

Because like that day in the hospital three months ago (when you started worrying), you know something is different about Vaughn, something is different about the way you interact with him, something is different about the way you think of him.

You remember that things weren't always so congenial between you and him. There was a period of time, after that first connection in the hospital where you wanted to do nothing more than say enough things to make him rip his mussy, brown hair out, because he made you want to do nothing but rip your own. You think you succeeded a couple times-- there were fights, arguments where voices would go up and you could see that this man did have the angry side to him.

You noticed the arguements tended to occur in the bloodmobile-- in retrospect, you wonder if someone heard the shouting from outside. What would they think? Probably some nurse having a secret rendezvous with her lover in the bloodmobile.

You look at him just as you think that, and blush furiously. You hope he doesn't notice, but you know that's near impossible. He's watchful, aware-- you think that is probably what makes him a good agent and maybe a good boyfriend-- and has the keen ability to pick up on underlying emotions.

Sure enough, he's stopped. "Everything okay, Syd?" he asks. You love the way he calls you by a nickname. You want to call him "Mike" one day, but you don't because calling him Mike would require you to call him Michael, which would require you to stop calling him Vaughn. And you're afraid to stop calling him Vaughn.

"Yeah. Just tired," you reply. You've noticed the way you behave around him. Aloof sometimes, caring but just enough, not nearly as much as him and certainly not as much as he deserves. You know why that is-- you're afraid of him getting too close. You're afraid of having another man sentenced to witness protection. You're afraid that when Vaughn turns into Michael, Michael will leave like Danny did.

And you get this feeling, deep down inside, that screams everytime you're with Vaughn, that if either Vaughn or Michael ever left, you'd be alone. And you'd remain that way.

"Well this is all just routine for you," he says, giving a lopsided grin. Your thoughts turn to Arvin Sloane randomly, and you suspect your expression becomes stormy because Vaughn's brow furrows. "What?" There's a hint of wariness in his voice, as if he's worried that you'll try and give him the plan, like you did that one day. You'll never forget the look on his face as he rolled out the map of SD-6. It could have been a hundred times more smug, as could have his words, but he and you both knew the truth would silence you.

"Yeah it is," you reply. You wonder why you are so cold to him him sometimes. Like once, after Sloane engineered a meeting with your father. Sloane still thought that Danny was dead and you suspected he was trying to get you to direct your anger towards your father rahter than himself. By telling you that your father knew about Danny, you would feel more hostile towards him. In reality, you were quite touched by the fact that your father tried to save you.

But you still haven't been as close to him as you felt in that hospital. Since the day he rescued you, he's been an enigma. He buys you tickets to escape, he protects your fiance-- ex fiance--, he gives you truth.

But he gives it to you seven years too late. You often wonder why your father didn't approach you before it was too late, why he didn't tell you the truth. You don't wonder anymore why he neglected you when you were a child-- being a widowed CIA officer is hard, but you know there were times when he could have made more effort than he did. He confuses you thoroughly, angers you incessantly and saddens you unrelentingly. It doesn't make sense even in the crazy mixed up world that you live in-- where you work as a double agent, when you actually lead three lives: "banker", CIA agent and SD-6 agent. Where you have to smile in the face of a man who make you feel a thirst for killing. Where your fiance is alive, but you don't know him name or where he is, and for the good of both of you it should stay that way.

Where you can't look a man who gives you so much strength, where even if you could, you might be to scared to, where falling for him is both the most impossible and the most plausible thing to happen.

You're back to worrying, because you think it might have started to happen already.

This is why when Vaughn asked you, at the Seven Eleven that night about the meeting with your father, you replied with a curt, "So what's my countermission?"

Vaughn's beeper rings, bringing you out of your silent musings. You think you see an "A".

Alice. A thorn in your side? Not so much as just something you brush off. You're not stupid, you know that Vaughn is a loyal, decent (amazing, perfect you sometimes think) man, but you know that despire all your fears and your reservations towards him, there is something undeniable between the two of you.

If it is understanding, compassion and a united goal, you are happy because it will only serve the purpose of bringing SD-6 and Sloane down better. It could be mutual dedication, him to his country, you to your revenge and the want of freedom, and that too will help because you'll only work harder. But a secret part of you hopes it's something else-- friendship, comradery, maybe even the beginning of something else. Because then, the revenge and freedom will mean something. Then you can share it with someone else.

You think that you're jumping ahead, because as Vaughn says goodbye and excuses himself from the warehouse, you know those days are far ahead of you, if they are to even come.

But you still watch him sneakily as he leaves. His shoulders fill out the suit jacket well, and his lean body just looks even longer and taller in the matching pants and shiny black shoes. The blue oxford shirts he wears so often set off his skin, his perpetual tan of golden, and those in turn contrast with those beautiful eyes.

You used to feel guilty about noticing Vaughn's looks, but now, as you sheepishly admit, it's become something of an everyday occurence. He is very attractive, and you know that he would catch your eye even if you were just walking down the street one day. If you never saw him again but for that one split second, you would think he was good-looking and forget about him.

But, as beautiful as he is, it's knowing him that makes all the difference. You always think of him as golden, in all hues of that magic color. It reminds you of angels, and as you told him the night he got reassigned to you (thank god), he is your guardian angel. His gold, and that bright emerald green of his are the reasons you haven't been swallowed up into a sea of darkness between Sloane's deceits and your own lies. He looks like truth, you think, shining and clean, unfallible. He looks like a good man, like a man that, if this was before Danny, before SD-6, you would wish to meet on the street.

It's his looks that you admire, because they reflect the qualities that make him great. You know he's good looking, and you aren't ashamed to recognize it.

You still deny, however, you recognize anything more than just his looks.

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The aloofness, the detachment that you showed in that Seven Eleven disappears this night. In fact, this night is filled with more intimate feelings than ever before, even when you graced him with his nickname over the comm. unit.

Because this night, as you cry your heart out on this pier after your father stands you up, Vaughn tells you straightforward what you have known all along-- that, amazingly enough, after losing Noah and Danny and your mother, there is still another person you can rely on.

He thinks you're crying about your father. You are, and the tears are very much the product of more than 20 years of neglect. But there are other things, things you are afraid to tell him.

Things about Danny.

It all started when you got home. It had been just after a dangerous confrontation with your favorite gal, Anna Espinosa, when you had found the white, unmarked envelope along with your other mail. It had your name and address, but nothing else. Inside was a white card, with nothing but three sentences on it.

You never leave my thoughts. I need you, I need you, more than anyone darling, you know that I have from the start. Don't break my heart.

You knew who it was from immediately, and fear coursed through you.

Was he stupid? You had to ask yourself whether Danny listened to a word any of the agents ever told him. If he had, and truly understood what he was being told, he would have realized that what he was doing was as good as screaming to Sloane that he was alive.

It hurt you an indescribable amount that Danny wasn't letting go. You felt guilty enough about him having to start over, to have to tell everyone he knew that he was dead. But you had chosen truth so long ago in that hospital, and now more than ever, you stand by your decision. Life is inumerable times more complicated, but you have truth.

You can look at your father and demand respect now. You aren't working for an enemy of the United States now. You know Vaughn now.

And as trivial as those reasons seemed in the face of true love, you know that if your life was a lie, then there was no way anything in it could be as real as it should have been. You loved Danny, for sure, but he never knew your truths, so he never knew you. Danny was going to ruin his new, safe life and in turn, jeapordize the only chance of ever repaying the man who rendered Daniel Hecht no more.

But above all, you feel guilty. Guilty because if you were feeling responsibility for Danny in excess, you aren't missing him as much as you should. When you saw his letter, it didn't make you ache to have him back. You miss his warm smile and gentle words, but you were first gripped the thought that he was going to ruin everything that everyone planned so carefully.

You miss Danny, but selfishly you feel a greater need to live the life you have now.

But you can't tell that to Vaughn. He is part of this new life, so much bigger of a part than anyone suspects in a professional and personal manner, and you know what he will say if you tell him what Danny has done. He will tell your father, who will find Danny. And for now, you don't want to touch Danny's life with a 10-foot-pole. You don't want to ruin it yet again.

As they do so often, your thoughts easily slide from Danny to Vaughn. You often thought that the connection you two made in the hospital was simply a byproduct of circumstance. That once outside of an area where you would take anything as solace, you and Vaughn weren't as closely linked as you were. Usually, after you thought that you'd know it wasn't true. You always have been horrible at denial.

But even though you knew the connection was there, you had no doubt that its existence could mean nothing. In your world, nothing could be counted on. Hell, in a normal world, Danny would be yours now and you would be his and you wouldn't know Vaughn, and probably wouldn't want to know Vaughn.

You don't really like the thought of not wanting to know Vaughn. It doesn't matter that you rely on him, while simultaneously denying it to yourself and pretending he means nothing to you. But you can't imagine him, even without the neccessity factor, being anything but part of a beneficial relationship. He listens, he understands, he gives sympathy but never pity.

You're a mass of concflicting thoughts and feelings. You live in truth now, but instead have more lies. You know your father twenty times better, but yet seem just as far as ever. You can't imagine somebody not wanting to know Vaughn, but you question his role in your life.

Well you did. But after tonight, you know you're going to have trouble doing that. Because you spilled your heart out about your father and your life. You finally admitted to going crazy. You threw your (rather expensive) beeper into the Pacific as Vaughn put it. You sobbed harder than you have in a long time, even after that time in the hospital.

And Vaughn yet again calmed you down.

You have his number. He told you that no matter what, if nothing else, you had that. You don't understand how a phrase like that can make you feel so much. Vaughn has the talent of being able to say just the right thing. Perhaps it is his keen judgement of situations, but he always seem to be appropriate and uplifting. He's not particularly eloquent, or a fine speaker. In fact, his speech tonight was full of pauses where he decided what to say next and even his final all important line was interrupted by a "you know".

But that made it all the more sincere. It wasn't rehearsed and Vaughn meant what he said, and wanted to diffuse the enormity of the statement by adding that "you know".

But it still hit you. Because you knew it a bit before, and you always wanted it to be true. But he's told you now, and it's laid out there between the two of you. You can call him anytime. You have his number. You were overwhelmed by this confession, by this sacrifice almost. Vaughn has just signed himself to you, and he does it selflessly.

You grab his hand in that moment, hoping that wrenching his thumb will convey how appreciative you are of the way he understands what you feel, the way he knows the right words to say and end especially of how he means those words. You know, when you touch him that there's something there. He held your hand in the hospital, but you were too worried about what role he was going to play in your life for you to notice the sensation. But you recognize it, a tingling warmth that seems to dry your tears. He means so much to you, but you don't have the strength, nor the coherency of mind or mouth to express it. You're not brave enough to be as upfront about him as he is about you.

But this is why you can't ever second guess Vaughn anymore. Because he's given you a clear indication of where you lie in his priorities-- pretty much at the top.

Yesterday before an emotional breakdown, before Danny's letter, before Vaughn's confession, you doubted a lot. Today you're more sure. Your father will always be an enigma. Maybe he's best that way. Danny will have to learn to live without you. You're pretty sure it's best that way. Vaughn is always going to be there for you. That's the best of all.

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AN: Please let me know what you think!!!