Disclaimers etc in part one.
A huge thank you once again to Sara's Shaddow for being a fantastic beta reader!
Also many thanks to all those who have reviewed. It was a huge confidence boost to read all your kind words. Thank you :)
Part Two
I told him, and it feels like a huge weight has been lifted off me. I can finally breathe again, uninhabited by the invisible links that seemed to chain me to my past. I was right, it did upset him. However, he told me he was glad that I could trust him enough to tell him. He said that the inpenetrable iron walls I had placed around myself had been breaking his heart. He could see that I was dying inside and he was so afraid of losing me. His words are still echoing in my mind, the catch in his voice all to clear when he told me ''You're breaking my heart here Sara, you're breaking my heart'. He wasn't glad I had to relive all the horrible memories within my telling of my story but he said although it sounded terrible, the old adage was true; a problem shared is a problem halved. I don't know how true that actually is but it sure feels good to be able to talk openly to the man I love. He truly understands me now, my motivations and my fears. He held me so close in bed last night, it was as if he was afraid to let go lest something hurt me. I have never felt so loved, so wanted, so safe. For the first time in a long time I didn't have any nightmares. Perhaps now my dreams will be filled with thoughts of Gil instead of him and all the faceless, nameless victims that suffer everyday. He asked me this morning whether I wanted to take action against the man who hurt me, to report him to the authorities in Cambridge. I couldn't answer him. I want my revenge, I want him to go to prison where he will most certainly suffer but I know its not as easy as that. There is no evidence, it would be a case of his word against mine. He's probably a respected academic by now, with his name on research papers and journal articles. I don't think I could put myself through that, to bare my soul on the stand and to have to look him in the face for nothing. I know the stats and the odds of getting a conviction are low to neglible. He's destroyed me once already I can not let him destroy me again. Gil will understand.
We're taking the evening off today. Somehow Gil mananged to arrange it, I don't know how and its probably better that I don't ask. We're going to go out, to enjoy ourselves. Yes, we are capable of having fun, we're not just a pair of science geeks you know! We have even been known to laugh on occasion. I mentioned that the walls seemed to be closing in on me, that I needed to get away even if it was just for a few hours. Gil has arranged a surprise for me, I don't know what. I hope its not trip to a cockroach race meet or something. I joke but no matter how much I love the guy, I don't think I will be ever comfortable with cockroaches. They are disgusting, disease ridden things and I have told him as much. Spiders and beetles I can just about deal with but cockroaches, ugh! I even threatened to call the extermintor and get them all zapped into oblivion if I saw just one wandering about the living room. I wasn't joking either. Anyway, he told me to wrap up warm which makes me wonder whether he might be taking me into the desert. I did complain the other day that I haven't seen the stars for so long. The light pollution in Vegas is beyond belief and totally obscures the natural beauty of the night sky. With glaring fluouresence and pointless laser beams marking out one landmark or another. The drawbacks of modern life and rampant consumerism I suppose. The only place you can actually see the constellations and the milky way in their true glory is in the desert and its cold there at night. Sometimes I am too clever for my own good. I'm going to have to practice my surprised look now so Gil won't be disappointed that I figured it out. I bet he's already packed his telescope in the back of his Tahoe. Grissom is the most thoughtful, considerate and loving man I have ever known.
I suppose you want to hear more about how I feel as opposed to the plans Gil and I have made. Well there is not a lot I can tell you. At the risk of repeating myself I feel safe, cocooned in the warmth that is Gil's love for me. I also feel like a school girl having her first crush. I am so wrapped up in Gil. There are not words enough to describe precisely how I feel. Anything I did say would simply be a pale imitation of my true feelings and would not do them justice. He knows and that is all that matters to me. Words are just that words, the true meaning lies beyond them. To fall into the cliche trap again, sometimes the smallest action can say a million times more than a hundred words. He told me that he knows I love him by the way my gaze falls on him, the way my fingers lightly brush his for no reason other than that I wanted to touch him. He is wise beyond his years, that man. I sometimes tease him mercilessly about it, calling him Confucious and Buddha but he knows its only good natured ribbing. He calls me his living, breathing, beautiful stat spouting encyclopedia. We belong with each other, I don't think anyone else would be able to cope with either of us. He is the only one who understands the instrinsic greatness of a zamboni, why complex equations are fun and sees the beauty and lyricism in a well written proof.
Anyway, I ought to go. I have a winter hat and warm coat to dig out to get ready for my trip in a couple of hours. I also want to read up on the constellations. I took some classes in both astro-physics and astronomy at Harvard. I want to impress my bugman with my knowledge. I told you I wasn't one for mediocrity.
Oh and I was right on one more thing, everything is going to be okay. I have been pulled back from the brink and even though I am still pretty close, I don't think I will stray that far to the edge ever again. I have Gil and I have a life to look forward to.
A huge thank you once again to Sara's Shaddow for being a fantastic beta reader!
Also many thanks to all those who have reviewed. It was a huge confidence boost to read all your kind words. Thank you :)
Part Two
I told him, and it feels like a huge weight has been lifted off me. I can finally breathe again, uninhabited by the invisible links that seemed to chain me to my past. I was right, it did upset him. However, he told me he was glad that I could trust him enough to tell him. He said that the inpenetrable iron walls I had placed around myself had been breaking his heart. He could see that I was dying inside and he was so afraid of losing me. His words are still echoing in my mind, the catch in his voice all to clear when he told me ''You're breaking my heart here Sara, you're breaking my heart'. He wasn't glad I had to relive all the horrible memories within my telling of my story but he said although it sounded terrible, the old adage was true; a problem shared is a problem halved. I don't know how true that actually is but it sure feels good to be able to talk openly to the man I love. He truly understands me now, my motivations and my fears. He held me so close in bed last night, it was as if he was afraid to let go lest something hurt me. I have never felt so loved, so wanted, so safe. For the first time in a long time I didn't have any nightmares. Perhaps now my dreams will be filled with thoughts of Gil instead of him and all the faceless, nameless victims that suffer everyday. He asked me this morning whether I wanted to take action against the man who hurt me, to report him to the authorities in Cambridge. I couldn't answer him. I want my revenge, I want him to go to prison where he will most certainly suffer but I know its not as easy as that. There is no evidence, it would be a case of his word against mine. He's probably a respected academic by now, with his name on research papers and journal articles. I don't think I could put myself through that, to bare my soul on the stand and to have to look him in the face for nothing. I know the stats and the odds of getting a conviction are low to neglible. He's destroyed me once already I can not let him destroy me again. Gil will understand.
We're taking the evening off today. Somehow Gil mananged to arrange it, I don't know how and its probably better that I don't ask. We're going to go out, to enjoy ourselves. Yes, we are capable of having fun, we're not just a pair of science geeks you know! We have even been known to laugh on occasion. I mentioned that the walls seemed to be closing in on me, that I needed to get away even if it was just for a few hours. Gil has arranged a surprise for me, I don't know what. I hope its not trip to a cockroach race meet or something. I joke but no matter how much I love the guy, I don't think I will be ever comfortable with cockroaches. They are disgusting, disease ridden things and I have told him as much. Spiders and beetles I can just about deal with but cockroaches, ugh! I even threatened to call the extermintor and get them all zapped into oblivion if I saw just one wandering about the living room. I wasn't joking either. Anyway, he told me to wrap up warm which makes me wonder whether he might be taking me into the desert. I did complain the other day that I haven't seen the stars for so long. The light pollution in Vegas is beyond belief and totally obscures the natural beauty of the night sky. With glaring fluouresence and pointless laser beams marking out one landmark or another. The drawbacks of modern life and rampant consumerism I suppose. The only place you can actually see the constellations and the milky way in their true glory is in the desert and its cold there at night. Sometimes I am too clever for my own good. I'm going to have to practice my surprised look now so Gil won't be disappointed that I figured it out. I bet he's already packed his telescope in the back of his Tahoe. Grissom is the most thoughtful, considerate and loving man I have ever known.
I suppose you want to hear more about how I feel as opposed to the plans Gil and I have made. Well there is not a lot I can tell you. At the risk of repeating myself I feel safe, cocooned in the warmth that is Gil's love for me. I also feel like a school girl having her first crush. I am so wrapped up in Gil. There are not words enough to describe precisely how I feel. Anything I did say would simply be a pale imitation of my true feelings and would not do them justice. He knows and that is all that matters to me. Words are just that words, the true meaning lies beyond them. To fall into the cliche trap again, sometimes the smallest action can say a million times more than a hundred words. He told me that he knows I love him by the way my gaze falls on him, the way my fingers lightly brush his for no reason other than that I wanted to touch him. He is wise beyond his years, that man. I sometimes tease him mercilessly about it, calling him Confucious and Buddha but he knows its only good natured ribbing. He calls me his living, breathing, beautiful stat spouting encyclopedia. We belong with each other, I don't think anyone else would be able to cope with either of us. He is the only one who understands the instrinsic greatness of a zamboni, why complex equations are fun and sees the beauty and lyricism in a well written proof.
Anyway, I ought to go. I have a winter hat and warm coat to dig out to get ready for my trip in a couple of hours. I also want to read up on the constellations. I took some classes in both astro-physics and astronomy at Harvard. I want to impress my bugman with my knowledge. I told you I wasn't one for mediocrity.
Oh and I was right on one more thing, everything is going to be okay. I have been pulled back from the brink and even though I am still pretty close, I don't think I will stray that far to the edge ever again. I have Gil and I have a life to look forward to.
