When in Doubt, Go Leather
The Autobiography of Sirius Black
**********
Chapter Two: We Are Living in a Material World.....
******
July 21, 1978
I bounded down the stairs on my nineteenth birthday fresh from my morning shower, ready for my breakfast that Lily so kindly made for me.
Sure enough, sitting down at the kitchen table was James, sipping a cup of coffee and reading the Daily Prophet. In front of him was an empty plate. I frowned. I didn't smell anything either.
"Where's Lily?" I asked upon entering the kitchen. James glanced up from his paper.
"Good morning to you too," he said cordially. "She went to the store. We're out of eggs and cinnamon. She's in a crisis." He rolled his eyes behind his glasses, took another drink of his coffee and returned to the paper.
I poured myself a mug of coffee and took the sports page from him. He raised his eyebrows at me. "Looking for scores? Wasps won again, Sirius."
"Nope," I replied jauntily, turning the page. "I'm looking for a job."
James spat out his mouthful of coffee, staining his page (which I noticed to be the "Local Affairs" page), not to mention splattering mine.
"Oh that's real attractive, James," I said sarcastically, waving my wand and removing the stains off of the papers.
He coughed and pounded his chest, gasping for air.
"Breathe, James, breathe."
"You?!" he said incredulously. "A job? In the sports section?"
"I want to be a commentator," I told him proudly, turning the page.
"With what experience?"
"I commentated at Hogwarts- first and second year before I made the team, remember?"
He sighed in a resigned sort of way. "Well, it won't be in the sports section. It'll be in here." He passed me the classified section. The front page showed a short wizard squeaking, "At Ned's Used Broom Lot, you can get the Comet 160 for only 29 Sickles and 10 Knuts!"
I took it, flipping to the "special interests" part of the paper.
*****
"Hi, guys," Lily greeted us, coming into the kitchen with two brown paper grocery bags. "Happy birthday, Sirius," she added, kissing me on the cheek.
"Can I help you with that, Lils?" James asked immediately, getting up.
Suck up.
Lily stopped in the middle of the kitchen, a little surprised. "Sure," she said slowly. She looked nice today, in a blue and white striped shirt and white shorts. Her red hair was pulled into a loose ponytail, but I noticed there was a few strands of it hanging loosely around her face. James was sure to put them back for her. I'd bet my life on it.
James took one of the bags and peeked into it suspiciously. "Lils, I thought you were only getting eggs and cinnamon," he said. "There's--"
She stomped on his foot, glaring. "That's all there is, James," she hissed. He cottoned on.
"Oh," he said loudly. "Yes, that is all there is."
I already knew they were throwing a surprise party for me, however. Lily could keep a secret, but if you told James a secret in the morning the whole world would know by mid-afternoon.
I shook my head and returned to searching for my job, which wasn't going too well. The only thing that had somewhat caught my eye was an ad to be the next salesperson for Ned's Used Broom Lot.
And then I saw it.
The ad for my calling.
"Are you hot?"
Yes, very.
"Are you sexy?"
Stop asking such easy questions.
"Do you want to make a bank account to big to be allowed?"
Doesn't everyone?
"If you answered yes to all of these questions-"
Hello? Is there an 'if' about it?
"-you could become a model for Mango's Quidditch Uniforms!"
Showing off my hot, sexy body in Quidditch uniforms?! This was my kind of job!
Then in smaller print at the bottom of the page: "Must be 21 or over."
So I'd become two years older for big money. Simple.
"Hey, Lils!" I called, even though she was right across the kitchen.
"Yes?"
"What do you think of me becoming a model?"
I'm sure that if James had coffee in his mouth he would've spat it out again.
******
July 22, 1978
"Sir," Mrs. Lisenmayer said gently, looking over her glasses. "Are you sure you're twenty-one?"
I rolled my eyes skyward. "Of course I'm 21. Don't be ridiculous. If I weren't 21, would I even be here? I can read, Mrs. Lisenmayer. Even the small print."
She smiled and went back to my resume. "Do you have any modeling experience, Mr. Black?"
"A little when I was younger, before Hogwarts, of course," I lied. "I did some Muggle spreads and things like that."
She smiled again. I was beginning to think it was one of those pasted on, you know when you're just trying to humor someone. "Well, you're certainly," she lowered her glasses again, "handsome enough."
"Why thank you," I said, wiggling my eyebrows. That makes the ladies go crazy- except for Lily. She just slaps me when I do that. But she's James's girlfriend, so that's understandable.
BUT BACK TO ME!
"And you're certainly qualified....so..." She sighed loudly. "I guess you've got the job."
******
And so it began. My life as Sirius Black, hottest male model in the world....
I went in three days later for a photo shoot for Mango's Quidditch Uniforms' newest accessory: the fan jacket. I hated the jacket- it had the Wimbourne Wasp logo imprinted on it (I hate the Wasps with a passion), but I was being paid 120 Galleons to do this shoot.
The jacket stayed.
For a while, anyway.
I tried to convince Mrs. Lisenmayer, who was now my manager, to allow me to wear leather.
"Please!" I begged. "I look my hottest in leather! I'm waterproof and everything!"
The photographer, a Jean-Claude Gorenemmy, raised his eyebrow at me. "Leazzer?" he inquired suddenly.
"Yes, leather!" Mrs. Lisenmayer said with a slight, snooty laugh. "Imagine!"
"Zat could vork," he said thoughtfully, tapping his chin. "Zat could vreally vork. Do you have any leazzer wiz 'ou?"
In between his heavy French accent (what is with photographers having to be French, I wonder? What's wrong with British photographers? Named Crystal? Who happen to be extremely hot and wear very short shorts? Or miniskirts, I'm not particular), I made out his question. "Er, no?"
"Zat can be fixed, of course. Lulu!" He snapped his fingers, and a middle aged woman, his assistant, who looked rather like a starved bird, scurried over.
"Yes, mounsier?"
"I need some leazzer."
Lulu looked confused. "What kind of leather, mounsier? A jacket, boots, pants...?"
"Hmm," Jean-Claude mused, sizing me up. I was very uncomfortable and fought the urge to hide behind bony Mrs. Lisenmayer. "Vou are correct. Vhich article of clozing are you most comfortable with, Mistair Black?"
"Jacket...and pants, all the way," I said immediately.
Lulu made a note of this. "Black, presumeably?"
"Of course," I said before Jean-Claude could interrupt. "Black is my name, the color is even hotter on me." I gave my best flirtatious wink at her and to my surprise she giggled and blushed.
"Yes, yes," she giggled, leaving.
*****
The leather was a hit.
I was a hit.
Girls were squealing and giggling whenever they saw me on the street- which didn't take much getting used to, of course.
James and Lily had to change our telephone number because we were getting too many calls at all hours of the night. Why didn't I change it? Number one, I don't know how to use the stupid thing, Lily and James take care of that, and number two I didn't really want them to change it anyway. I always thought it rather funny when James woke me up in the middle of the night screaming at some poor girl on the other line telling her that no, he wasn't hot, sexy Sirius Black (or hot and sexy....Lily of course begs to differ- but she has to), but the poor girl didn't understand a word he was saying because she was calling from CHINA.
I was getting telephone calls from CHINA.
Imagine!
For Lily's birthday, I did not buy her an autographed picture of myself as I did every year, but a platinum tennis bracelet.
What did James get her?
Oh, just an engagement ring.
*****
Pretty soon, however, Mrs. Lisenmayer was getting calls from China requesting more pictures of the extremely hot and sexy Sirius Black. This would not have been a problem, except there were no other pictures of the hot and sexy Sirius Black. I refused to do any more photo shoots.
The process bored me. Plus I didn't like Jean-Claude checking me out when he thought I didn't notice. I notice when anyone checks me out.
"Just make more copies and color my jacket green or something," I told Mrs. Lisenmayer when she called me in for a meeting. "As long as they're interested, right Meggie?"
Megan was her first name, she hated it when I called her that.
"Don't call me that, Sirius," she said.
I don't understand that. I mean, she was on first name basis with me, why couldn't I be with her?
"That's the point," she continued. "They're not interested anymore, Sirius."
"What?!" I leapt up from my chair. "But- but James got a call from Greece last night! They're still interested!"
Meggie was surprised. "I thought you changed your number."
I shrugged. "We did."
"The point is," she said, returning to the topic. "You're not doing any new work, Sirius, dear. Much as we love you...." She sighed. "We're going to have to let you go."
"Let me go?!" I shrieked. "You can't let me go! I'm your best client! Look at these abs!" I lifted up my shirt for her to see me six pack. She shut her eyes and crossed herself.
"Dear Lord, Sirius!" she cried. "Put your shirt down! I do not want to see your....abs. Like I said, you are hugely popular and can still regain your popularity..."
I perked up. I knew they weren't dropping me.
"....somewhere else."
****
So ended my modeling career. Like Meggie said, I could've regained my popularity. I just didn't feel like it.
Every once in a while, James would still wake up screaming at some girl who knew not a word of what he was saying. He eventually got used to it, however.
In the meantime, we had a wedding to plan.
****
A/N: Dontcha just love Sirius?!
A wedding....the next chapter....argh, they all blend together....
Disclaimer: Sirius Black, almighty sex god, James and Lily Potter belong to J.K.R. Jean-Claude, Lulu, and Meggie Lisenmayer belong to me.
The Autobiography of Sirius Black
**********
Chapter Two: We Are Living in a Material World.....
******
July 21, 1978
I bounded down the stairs on my nineteenth birthday fresh from my morning shower, ready for my breakfast that Lily so kindly made for me.
Sure enough, sitting down at the kitchen table was James, sipping a cup of coffee and reading the Daily Prophet. In front of him was an empty plate. I frowned. I didn't smell anything either.
"Where's Lily?" I asked upon entering the kitchen. James glanced up from his paper.
"Good morning to you too," he said cordially. "She went to the store. We're out of eggs and cinnamon. She's in a crisis." He rolled his eyes behind his glasses, took another drink of his coffee and returned to the paper.
I poured myself a mug of coffee and took the sports page from him. He raised his eyebrows at me. "Looking for scores? Wasps won again, Sirius."
"Nope," I replied jauntily, turning the page. "I'm looking for a job."
James spat out his mouthful of coffee, staining his page (which I noticed to be the "Local Affairs" page), not to mention splattering mine.
"Oh that's real attractive, James," I said sarcastically, waving my wand and removing the stains off of the papers.
He coughed and pounded his chest, gasping for air.
"Breathe, James, breathe."
"You?!" he said incredulously. "A job? In the sports section?"
"I want to be a commentator," I told him proudly, turning the page.
"With what experience?"
"I commentated at Hogwarts- first and second year before I made the team, remember?"
He sighed in a resigned sort of way. "Well, it won't be in the sports section. It'll be in here." He passed me the classified section. The front page showed a short wizard squeaking, "At Ned's Used Broom Lot, you can get the Comet 160 for only 29 Sickles and 10 Knuts!"
I took it, flipping to the "special interests" part of the paper.
*****
"Hi, guys," Lily greeted us, coming into the kitchen with two brown paper grocery bags. "Happy birthday, Sirius," she added, kissing me on the cheek.
"Can I help you with that, Lils?" James asked immediately, getting up.
Suck up.
Lily stopped in the middle of the kitchen, a little surprised. "Sure," she said slowly. She looked nice today, in a blue and white striped shirt and white shorts. Her red hair was pulled into a loose ponytail, but I noticed there was a few strands of it hanging loosely around her face. James was sure to put them back for her. I'd bet my life on it.
James took one of the bags and peeked into it suspiciously. "Lils, I thought you were only getting eggs and cinnamon," he said. "There's--"
She stomped on his foot, glaring. "That's all there is, James," she hissed. He cottoned on.
"Oh," he said loudly. "Yes, that is all there is."
I already knew they were throwing a surprise party for me, however. Lily could keep a secret, but if you told James a secret in the morning the whole world would know by mid-afternoon.
I shook my head and returned to searching for my job, which wasn't going too well. The only thing that had somewhat caught my eye was an ad to be the next salesperson for Ned's Used Broom Lot.
And then I saw it.
The ad for my calling.
"Are you hot?"
Yes, very.
"Are you sexy?"
Stop asking such easy questions.
"Do you want to make a bank account to big to be allowed?"
Doesn't everyone?
"If you answered yes to all of these questions-"
Hello? Is there an 'if' about it?
"-you could become a model for Mango's Quidditch Uniforms!"
Showing off my hot, sexy body in Quidditch uniforms?! This was my kind of job!
Then in smaller print at the bottom of the page: "Must be 21 or over."
So I'd become two years older for big money. Simple.
"Hey, Lils!" I called, even though she was right across the kitchen.
"Yes?"
"What do you think of me becoming a model?"
I'm sure that if James had coffee in his mouth he would've spat it out again.
******
July 22, 1978
"Sir," Mrs. Lisenmayer said gently, looking over her glasses. "Are you sure you're twenty-one?"
I rolled my eyes skyward. "Of course I'm 21. Don't be ridiculous. If I weren't 21, would I even be here? I can read, Mrs. Lisenmayer. Even the small print."
She smiled and went back to my resume. "Do you have any modeling experience, Mr. Black?"
"A little when I was younger, before Hogwarts, of course," I lied. "I did some Muggle spreads and things like that."
She smiled again. I was beginning to think it was one of those pasted on, you know when you're just trying to humor someone. "Well, you're certainly," she lowered her glasses again, "handsome enough."
"Why thank you," I said, wiggling my eyebrows. That makes the ladies go crazy- except for Lily. She just slaps me when I do that. But she's James's girlfriend, so that's understandable.
BUT BACK TO ME!
"And you're certainly qualified....so..." She sighed loudly. "I guess you've got the job."
******
And so it began. My life as Sirius Black, hottest male model in the world....
I went in three days later for a photo shoot for Mango's Quidditch Uniforms' newest accessory: the fan jacket. I hated the jacket- it had the Wimbourne Wasp logo imprinted on it (I hate the Wasps with a passion), but I was being paid 120 Galleons to do this shoot.
The jacket stayed.
For a while, anyway.
I tried to convince Mrs. Lisenmayer, who was now my manager, to allow me to wear leather.
"Please!" I begged. "I look my hottest in leather! I'm waterproof and everything!"
The photographer, a Jean-Claude Gorenemmy, raised his eyebrow at me. "Leazzer?" he inquired suddenly.
"Yes, leather!" Mrs. Lisenmayer said with a slight, snooty laugh. "Imagine!"
"Zat could vork," he said thoughtfully, tapping his chin. "Zat could vreally vork. Do you have any leazzer wiz 'ou?"
In between his heavy French accent (what is with photographers having to be French, I wonder? What's wrong with British photographers? Named Crystal? Who happen to be extremely hot and wear very short shorts? Or miniskirts, I'm not particular), I made out his question. "Er, no?"
"Zat can be fixed, of course. Lulu!" He snapped his fingers, and a middle aged woman, his assistant, who looked rather like a starved bird, scurried over.
"Yes, mounsier?"
"I need some leazzer."
Lulu looked confused. "What kind of leather, mounsier? A jacket, boots, pants...?"
"Hmm," Jean-Claude mused, sizing me up. I was very uncomfortable and fought the urge to hide behind bony Mrs. Lisenmayer. "Vou are correct. Vhich article of clozing are you most comfortable with, Mistair Black?"
"Jacket...and pants, all the way," I said immediately.
Lulu made a note of this. "Black, presumeably?"
"Of course," I said before Jean-Claude could interrupt. "Black is my name, the color is even hotter on me." I gave my best flirtatious wink at her and to my surprise she giggled and blushed.
"Yes, yes," she giggled, leaving.
*****
The leather was a hit.
I was a hit.
Girls were squealing and giggling whenever they saw me on the street- which didn't take much getting used to, of course.
James and Lily had to change our telephone number because we were getting too many calls at all hours of the night. Why didn't I change it? Number one, I don't know how to use the stupid thing, Lily and James take care of that, and number two I didn't really want them to change it anyway. I always thought it rather funny when James woke me up in the middle of the night screaming at some poor girl on the other line telling her that no, he wasn't hot, sexy Sirius Black (or hot and sexy....Lily of course begs to differ- but she has to), but the poor girl didn't understand a word he was saying because she was calling from CHINA.
I was getting telephone calls from CHINA.
Imagine!
For Lily's birthday, I did not buy her an autographed picture of myself as I did every year, but a platinum tennis bracelet.
What did James get her?
Oh, just an engagement ring.
*****
Pretty soon, however, Mrs. Lisenmayer was getting calls from China requesting more pictures of the extremely hot and sexy Sirius Black. This would not have been a problem, except there were no other pictures of the hot and sexy Sirius Black. I refused to do any more photo shoots.
The process bored me. Plus I didn't like Jean-Claude checking me out when he thought I didn't notice. I notice when anyone checks me out.
"Just make more copies and color my jacket green or something," I told Mrs. Lisenmayer when she called me in for a meeting. "As long as they're interested, right Meggie?"
Megan was her first name, she hated it when I called her that.
"Don't call me that, Sirius," she said.
I don't understand that. I mean, she was on first name basis with me, why couldn't I be with her?
"That's the point," she continued. "They're not interested anymore, Sirius."
"What?!" I leapt up from my chair. "But- but James got a call from Greece last night! They're still interested!"
Meggie was surprised. "I thought you changed your number."
I shrugged. "We did."
"The point is," she said, returning to the topic. "You're not doing any new work, Sirius, dear. Much as we love you...." She sighed. "We're going to have to let you go."
"Let me go?!" I shrieked. "You can't let me go! I'm your best client! Look at these abs!" I lifted up my shirt for her to see me six pack. She shut her eyes and crossed herself.
"Dear Lord, Sirius!" she cried. "Put your shirt down! I do not want to see your....abs. Like I said, you are hugely popular and can still regain your popularity..."
I perked up. I knew they weren't dropping me.
"....somewhere else."
****
So ended my modeling career. Like Meggie said, I could've regained my popularity. I just didn't feel like it.
Every once in a while, James would still wake up screaming at some girl who knew not a word of what he was saying. He eventually got used to it, however.
In the meantime, we had a wedding to plan.
****
A/N: Dontcha just love Sirius?!
A wedding....the next chapter....argh, they all blend together....
Disclaimer: Sirius Black, almighty sex god, James and Lily Potter belong to J.K.R. Jean-Claude, Lulu, and Meggie Lisenmayer belong to me.
