itle: Distraught Heart - To remember

Author: Jessica ( j_rothen@yahoo.se )

Rating: PG

Category: Romance, angst,

Feedback: Yes please, j_rothen@yahoo.se

Spoiler: None

Archive: Wherever, just let me know where

Website: www.geocities.com/jlovesxfiles

Summary: Grissom reveals something from his past that threatens

to push Sara away.

Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THESE CHARACTERS.

Note: This is my first ever CSI-fanfiction so please be gentle.:)

English is not my first language so spelling/grammar

mistakes may occur.

THANK YOU: To Tamara...For helping me out here...And I hope this one

of many :)

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"Where can you run to escape from yourself?

Where you gonna go?

Salvation is here"

(From "Dare you to move" by: Switchfoot.

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Distraught Heart (2/3)

"To remember"

by: Jessica

-----------------------------

I sit here in my favorite chair by the window watching as

the sun rises over the city.

Her face is before me.

Chasing me.

I keep feeling her hand in mine.

I have never touched her like that before.

I never dared to.

Her hand felt so small in mine.

Sara.

I gave you my heart and you never even saw it..

Her voice kept ringing in my ears.

Her lovely words.

I wanted to tell her the truth then and there.

I saw the pain in her eyes when I didn't say those lovely words

back to her.

But how can I make her see that I'm not the one for her?

I wish I were.

There are times when even my heart dares to tremble when she is near.

And I dream.

God, I dream.

About a life I can't have.

Of a life beyond reach.

I know better than to dream about something I can't have.

Maybe I should let her go.

It would be better this way.

I'm no good for her.

I only hurt people.

---------------------------------------

My hands tremble a bit as I move towards his door.

I curse them for being so weak.

I don't know why I have come.

I should stay away, I know that.

But I need to see him again.

To say goodbye.

To get a reaction.

To try to reason with him.

I know that I should back away.

This will only be torture for my bleeding heart.

But a part of me hopes that there is still a chance.

For him to love me.

To give me his heart.

I would be so careful with it.

My heart is pounding like crazy as I knock on his door.

Then he appears in the doorway.

His hair is in a mess.

Clothes wrinkled.

His eyes widen.

"Sara."

His voice is a bite rugged as he says my name.

"I came here to say goodbye."

LIAR!

I was afraid that he would push me away if he knew my real intention.

Guess he knew anyway.

He has always been able to read me like an open book.

"Oh.."

"Can I come in?"

"Sure.."

He stepped aside and shows me into his apartment.

Books everywhere.

Pictures of bugs on the walls.

I can't help but smile.

We enter the living room.

"You want something? Coffee?.."

"No, I'm okay.."

He looks at me with those eyes.

I curse those eyes.

They have so much power over me.

"So.. you are leaving then.."

"Yeah.."

"Everything is ready? Otherwise.. I could help you.. If you want

that is."

His words turn the knife in my heart.

I almost tremble.

Why had I come here?

Why couldn't I be strong?

I had vowed to stay away from him.

We had said our goodbyes tonight.

So why did I come here today?

"You want me gone that badly."

"Of course not."

"Then.."

"I was just offering help."

"Don't."

"Sara.. About before.."

"Don't Gris.. I didn't come here to fight."

"Then why did you come here?"

"You know.."

His eyes pierced into me seeing everything that I was.

This wasn't fair.

I wish I could read his mind.

Maybe then I wouldn't hurt like this.

"Sara.."

"You never told me.."

"Told you what?"

"Why?"

"Leave it, Sara.."

"Why? Is it me?"

I move towards him.

I have no pride when it comes to him.

I'm down on my knees.

Pleading for my heart.

"Of course not.. Don't think that...It's me.."

"So this is one of those 'It's not you, it's me' speeches."

"No. I don't know what to say.."

"How about the truth? I deserve the truth."

He avoids my eyes.

I know that look on his face.

He wants to run.

But I won't let him.

Not this time.

Our eyes meet.

"Sara, please..."

"Please, Gil.. Tell me.. I have to know.."

The pain makes it hard to speak.

"I can't.."

"I got to know for sure.."

I reach for him.

Wanting to feel his hand in mine.

He backs away from me.

I can see sorrow in his eyes as he speaks.

"Don't do this, Sara...You don't want me."

"Yes, I do..."

"No, you don't, believe me...I'm no good.."

"How can you say that?"

"It's the truth."

"You are the loveliest person I have ever known. You are so easy to

love.. I.."

"Sara.. Stop.."

"No.. I want to tell you. I have never been in love. I have felt love.

I have been loved. But I have never in my life been in love."

"I can't.."

"I don't know how it happened. But it did. It wasn't like lightning

on a clear day. It just crept up on me."

I move closer to him.

Determent now.

He backs away from me.

His eyes are dark as he speaks.

"I don't know what to say to you to make you see that I'm not the

one for you..."

"Why not?"

"I hurt people.."

"What are you talking about?"

I reach for him.

"Don't you see, Sara. I can't love anyone."

"Of course you can."

"No. I can't! I hurt them. I break them.."

"Don't be silly.."

"You asked for the truth. There it is.. I'm no good. Run, Sara! Run!

I will only cause you pain."

"No! I refuse to believe that..."

I move even closer to him.

He doesn't back away this time.

"I'm damaged goods.. I.. can't.."

"Gris.. please.."

His eyes meet mine.

Tears are forming in mine.

"Sara.. I can't.. My heart isn't strong enough."

My voice is just a whisper as I speak:

"Please, let me love you.."

"I can't...."

"Don't say that!!"

"It's the truth!"

"Her name was Anne."

His words makes me stumble.

"What?"

"Her name was Anne and she was my wife."

The pain that struck me in that second was so great that I almost

fell.

"Gris, why haven't you told me?"

"How could I?"

He didn't trust me.

HE DOESN'T TRUST YOU!!!

I move away from him.

Afraid he might see the sorrow in my eyes.

"What happened?"

"We met when we both were 18. She worked in my

mother's art gallery in Venice. I was working in the LA County

morgue.. And I fell.. head over heels for her."

He moves towards the window overlooking the street.

I sit down on the couch as he continue:

"Her name was Anne Connor. She had green eyes and dark hair...

God, she was beautiful!"

"What happened to her?"

"We fell in love. We married five years later. I was a corner then.

So proud. We got a house in Marina Del Rey, where I grew up. She

wanted to be a lawyer someday....She worked days and went to night

school during the night. Her family hadn't the money to send her

to collage or something like that. But she refused to give up. She

worked hard. We used to spend our nights in bed.. Studying, talking..

laughing.. Making love... She.. I .."

His voice dies away.

Silence follows.

I watch as memories takes him over.

"She made me laugh.. She was stubborn.. and strong.. She.. was...perfect.

And I...loved her...So...I can't describe how she made me feel.

To say I love her.. It seems so simple.. Those words seem to small."

I know that I have no right to feel this pain.

But I do.

I'm bleeding.

"I was happy then. Those years in California."

"Gris.. You don't.. I understand."

He turns to me.

His blue eyes pierce into me.

"I want to tell you.. I have to tell you."

I surrender.

"Tell me. Tell me about Anne."

"She was lovely. I wish you knew her. Everybody loved her...Then..

that night..."

Silence follows.

He turns away from me.

"I remember the rain.. The way it chilled me right into the bone...

You see...She was late from her work.. and she wanted to hurry to

her night school.. So she ran a red light.. And..:.."

"God.."

"They called me....At first I thought it was some kind of joke.

Some nasty joke.. But I went anyway.."

I rise.

My legs feel weak as I move towards him.

"I drove like a madman, hardly seeing anything. It was amazing that

I didn't crash into something....It had started to rain as I arrived

at the scene..."

My hands craved to touch him.

To take him into my arms and hold him.

But I knew that I wasn't allowed.

I stood there beside him listening as he continued:

"Witness said that it happened so fast.. There where no way they could

have avoided...A huge truck carrying god knows what.. crashed into

her.. By the time the paramedics arrived...They couldn't save her...

No one.."

"Gris.."

"They let me see her afterwards.. Even in death.. She was wonderful.

Beautiful.."

"Oh, Gris.."

"She broke her neck.. She wasn't in pain.. And I'm glad....They told me

later.....that.."

"What?"

"She was pregnant.. Sara.."

"God!"

Tears were streaming down his face as he looked at me.

"She never told me....Why didn't she tell me? I could have..."

"Gris.."

He turns away from me once again.

"I stopped believing in God that day."

I reach out and take his hand in mine.

He looks at me.

So much pain in those blue eyes.

"Why did he do this, Sara? Why did he take them away from me? I

was only 25 for god sake! What had I done to make him do that?"

"I don't know."

"Why couldn't he have taken me instead?"

"Don't say that."

"Why not? It's the truth!"

"Don't, Gris..."

He backs away from me.

"Now you know..."

"Please, Gris.. Let me hold you.."

"Sara.. You have to stay away from me! I'm no good...Look what

happened to her. I will only get you killed!"

"No!"

"I killed her, Sara. Don't you see that?"

"Don't say that."

"It's the truth. I could have gone to my mother and father and asked

them for some money so she wouldn't have to go to night school then..

maybe she.."

"You can't think like that..."

"I have had almost 15 years to think about it!"

"You have to put it behind you."

"Don't you think I have tried? But how.. I.. can't.."

"You have too.. Otherwise this will kill you.."

"It already has."

"What do you mean?"

He moves fast.

He takes my heart and places it over his heart.

"This is dead. It died with her."

"I refuse to believe that."

"You have too..."

He turns away from me.

"Gris.."

"No, Sara. I can't. I made a promise to her the day I married her

and I intend to keep it."

"What promise?"

"To love her forever."

"That stupid."

He turns to me.

"Is it! Is it! Why is it so stupid? I loved her!"

"She is dead, Gris."

"Don't Sara."

"It's the truth. What are you planning to do? Are going to stay here

in this apartment, forever? It's not living."

"I'm content."

"No you're not."

"I'm content with my life."

"So you will just give up. You will stay here, awaiting death."

"Let death come. I embrace it."

"Don't be so fucking dramatic."

"I'm not being dramatic."

I moved towards him.

Pain eating at the remaining pieces of my heart.

I wanted to break him.

Shake him.

Make him move.

He didn't back away.

"THEN FIGHT,GOD DAMMIT IT!"

"Sara.."

"No, I refuse to just stand by and just watch as.."

"You have too.."

"Gris.. please.."

"I can't.. Sara...I wish.. I could.. But.."

"So you are giving up..."

"I'm not giving anything up.. I just can't have you."

"You just can't say stuff like that and think I might just turn

away and leave because I won't."

"Sara..."

"Don't Sara me..."

I moved closer to him.

He didn't move away.

He didn't run this time.

My hands trembled as I framed his face between my hands

and made him look at me.

"Tell me you don't love me and I will leave and I swear that I will

never bother you again."

I stood there starring into those blue eyes, praying for salvation

for my bleeding heart.

I searched for something in his eyes that could keep hope alive.

But all I found was nothing.

His eyes were dark as he spoke:

"I don't love you."

That twisted the knife in my heart causing my inside to shatter

just like broken glass.

The pain was indescribable.

I searched for something that said it was all a lie.

It had to be a lie.

It must be.

"Gris...please.."

My voice was just a whisper.

I stood there starring into his eyes.

Tears fell as I continued:

"I guess this is goodbye then.."

Then I kissed him.

The minute my lips brushed his I knew that I was lost.

All the passion that ran through my veins came out in that kiss.

I needed to break him.

I had to break him.

I wanted to remember him.

The way he felt against my lips.

The way his hand felt in mine.

I would remember.

I moved away from him.

Let him go.

I looked at him.

"Goodbye, Gil Grissom."

Then I moved towards the door.

I opened it with hands trembling.

I stopped in the doorway and looked back at him.

"I love you."

Then I walked away from him.