Title: Distraught Heart - Falling from grace
Author: Jessica ( j_rothen@yahoo.se )
Rating: PG
Category: Romance, angst,
Feedback: Yes please, j_rothen@yahoo.se
Spoiler: None
Archive: Wherever, just let me know where
Website: www.geocities.com/jlovesxfiles
Summary: Grissom realizes what he's missing....
Disclaimer:I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THESE CHARACTERS.
Note: This is my first ever CSI-fanfiction so please be gentle.:)
English is not my first language so spelling/grammar
mistakes may occur.
THANK YOU: To Tamara for helping me out here
------------------------------
"If you've been hiding from love
If you've been hiding from love
I can understand where you're coming from
I can understand where you're coming from
If you've suffered enough
If you've suffered enough
I can understand what you're thinking of
I can see the pain that you're frightened of
I've been running like you
I've been running like you
Now you understand why I'm running scared
Now you understand why I'm running scared
I've been searching for truth
I've been searching for truth
And I haven't been getting anywhere
No I haven't been getting anywhere..."
( From "Freelove" by Depeche Mode )
--------------------------------
Distraught Heart (3/3)
"Falling from grace"
by: Jessica
----------------------
One month later
-------------
The world kept turning even though she no longer was beside me.
I kept living my life in rooms that missed the sound of her voice.
I threw myself into the work of erasing her from my mind.
It wasn't easy, though.
I kept seeing her everywhere.
Sara.
Her voice kept chasing me around.
I tried to convince my heart that I was better off this way.
That I could make it alone.
That nothing had changed.
I was wrong.
---------------
She came in the morning.
In the early light of day.
Catherine.
I had been working all through the night.
Going over another case.
The office had become my second home after she had left.
I stayed there as long as I could.
I sat there while the night surrounded me and let myself just
remember.
To feel.
She lingered in the doorway.
I looked up and saw her.
"Catherine."
She smiled and entered the office.
She sat down in the chair opposite mine.
"Gil. Have you been here all night?"
"Yeah, I thought I might go over the case again. We might have
missed something."
"You know we didn't."
"It doesn't hurt to check again.."
"Yeah, but you have checked several times now. You have always said
that you make the evidence talk to you.. So what they say?"
"I don't know..."
"Gil.."
Our eyes met.
"It's the truth. I have no idea.. Maybe.."
"What's the matter?"
"Nothing."
LIAR!
"Don't be like that. I can see that something is wrong."
"It's nothing."
"Gris, come on! It's Catherine you are talking too.."
"Believe me. Nothing is bothering me."
"Sure...It's Sara, huh."
I avoided her eyes as I spoke:
"What makes you say that?"
She smiled:
"You have never been a good liar, Grissom. Never. I have always
been able to see when you are lying. It's something in your eyes."
The walls around my heart came tumbling down as I sat there
listening to her.
How easy they fell.
Guess I was weak.
"It's just that we needed her in the team. She was a good CSI."
"That's it, huh?"
"Yeah..."
"Ha.. Give me a break. I have watched you two walking around in
circles for months before she left. I don't know what exactly
happened between the two of you. But I will bet that it reaches
far beyond the work."
I wanted to run away from her.
I was so good at running.
"Sara Sidle was a great CSI and I hated to see her go."
"So nothing was going on?"
"Between Sara and me?"
"Yeah."
"No, nothing."
Her eyes pierced into me.
"Then why are you walking around with that look on your face?"
"What look?"
"Like someone stole the sun from the sky."
"I don't know what you are talking about."
"Why won't you tell me? You used to tell me everything."
"Tell you what?"
"What happened? Why did Sara leave, Gil?"
"She wanted to leave."
"Don't give me that!"
"It's the truth! She wanted to leave CSI."
"What did you do?"
"Nothing! Why do you think it was something I did?"
"Please, I know you and I know Sara. I could see it in her eyes. It
was in the way she looked at you."
"What?"
"She was in love with you."
The truth hit me right in the chest and made me tremble.
"No.. You're wrong."
"Gris.."
"No, Catherine.."
"Don't lie to me, Gil. Tell me what happened?"
I rose.
I wanted to run.
But I couldn't.
Not this time.
I couldn't hide.
Not this time.
I wanted to raise the walls around my heart once again and
shut her out.
But I knew that she could see through me.
She has always been able to do that.
That's one power that scares me.
"I..I tried to make her stay..."
"And?"
"And nothing!"
"Don't give me that. Something happened."
"What do you want me to say?"
"Try the truth.."
I surrendered.
I looked at her.
My friend.
How could I tell her about what I had done?
How I had hurt Sara.
Made her cry.
Pushed her away.
Lied to her.
"I. Please..I. Can't.."
She rose.
I turned away from her.
"Gil.. We have been friends for God knows how long.. I can see that
something is bothering you.. You are hurting.."
"Cat, please.."
"You haven't called me that for years."
"I know.."
She reached out her hand and took my hand.
Her hand felt so small in mine.
"Gil.. Tell me about Sara..."
"She came to me with that paper.. She was so angry. You know how she
is. She tried to tell me then.. But I never.. saw it.."
"And?"
"I went to her...I signed it, Catherine. I wanted her to have her
freedom."
"What are you talking about?"
"She told me that she wanted me."
"That's great.. Isn't it?"
"It's Sara. I'm her boss."
"So? What did you say?"
"I couldn't.."
"God, Gil. I know you. I have seen the way you look at her. Don't
say that you feel nothing for her because I have seen you."
"I stood there and I wanted.. To feel.."
"What?"
"I couldn't say it back to her."
"What do you feel?"
"She accused me to have no heart. I'm beginning to think that maybe
she is right."
"No, Gris..."
"Yeah. Maybe it's impossible to mend.."
"What? I don't understand."
I looked at her now.
"I told her, Catherine. She came to me the morning before she left
and I told her..."
"Told her about what?"
"Anne."
"Jesus, Gil. She didn't know..."
"I never told her...You are the only one that knows.."
"God, Gris. Why do you do this? What's the point with shutting everyone
out? What good can come of it?"
"It's self-preservation."
"Huh.. It will only make you alone."
"I can deal with that."
"No-one can deal with that."
"I can."
"Don't lie."
"You need her."
"No.."
"Look at me, Grissom. Look at me!"
I met her gaze.
"Look me in the eye and tell me that you don't love
her."
"I DON'T LOVE HER."
I broke free from her and turned my back to her.
"I don't believe you."
"I don't care."
"She loves you, Gris. Everyone can see that. And you
love her."
"No."
"Why can't for once admit that?"
"Because.."
"Because what?"
"Because of Anne."
Catherine let go of my hand and looked at me.
"She has been dead for almost 15 years now."
"So?"
"You have to start living..15 years is a long time."
"Is there a time limit for grief?"
"Of course not. But you're not the only
one in this world that has lost someone. But people move on. They pick
themselves up and move on."
"It's not that easy.."
"God knows, it's not easy. But you have to try otherwise it will
kill you."
"Maybe it already has."
"Don't give me that."
"It's the truth.."
"For god's sake! I know you. I have seen that fire in your eyes.
I know you, Gil Grissom. I know you by heart.. You can make it
through this.. You need her as much as she needs you."
"I can't, Catherine."
"Why?"
"I'm afraid."
She walked up to me.
The warmth in her eyes made my heart tremble.
"Of what?"
"I don't know how to let her go."
I turned towards.
God, how I wanted to fall.
For once in my life I wanted someone to catch me.
To make me feel alive again.
"You have too."
"I loved her."
"I know you did. But you have to let her go."
"I can't.."
"You can't live like this.. Not anymore.."
"I deserve this. I deserve all the pain."
"Don't, Gil. It wasn't your fault. You know that."
"But.."
She moved closer to me.
I looked at her.
I wanted to take comfort in her.
I wanted to be saved by her.
"You have to join the living again..."
"Tell me how to let go. Tell me how to stop feeling like this."
"I can't. No one can. You have to make it on your own. But
I will stand by you. I promise."
"Thank you. Thank you for being my friend."
She smiled.
"Always, Gris. Always."
---------
I can't say that I ran.
But I fled.
After the funeral her body was cremated and her
ashes where scattered for the wind.
Just as she had wanted.
I fled out into the open plains.
To the desert.
I went to say goodbye to her.
To talk to the wind.
To talk to a God that had no mercy.
I just stood there under the sun and talked to no one.
"I came today to tell you something."
Maybe I was acting crazy.
But I needed this.
I needed to let this out.
Let this out of my chest before I exploded.
"I know that we haven't talked for a while. And I'm sorry.
I was afraid that if I went here it would be admitting that you were
gone. I thought if I clung to all the memories you would never
leave me. I was convinced that I could live like that. I was
content living like that. I wanted to wrap myself in sorrow.
But I know now that I can't do that and I know you wouldn't
let me.."
The sun warmed my face as I fell to my knees.
"God, I miss you...How I miss you. .I know it's time for me to let you go..
I should have done this.. before.. But I couldn't.. But now...Her name is
Sara..."
My heart ached in my chest as I continued.
Talking to no one.
The sky.
Hoping she would hear me where ever she were.
"I never thought love could struck me again. I read a proverb
a while back.. It goes something like this...'If you chase love
it will avoid you but if you avoid love it will follow you.'
Maybe it's true...She makes me happy, Anne. I don't know how
she did it. But she has broken through and made me.. feel..
God...and I..."
The memories from that morning came back and hit me right in
the chest.
"I pushed her away.. Believing I was better off...But I was wrong.
I can see that now. I love her.. I don't know how it happened...
I was so careful with my heart. But look what that brought me.
Nothing. Absolutely nothing...She is so easy to love. She
is like me in many ways...She makes me smile. She makes me...
feel...And for that I love her. You would like her. I'm sure
of it.."
I rose.
My legs felt weak.
I didn't cry.
I continued:
"This isn't goodbye.. I will never forget you.. It's impossible to
forget you.. But I have to let you go...But I'm sure we'll meet again."
I stood there staring into the distance.
"I will go to her now and tell her that I love her and pray that
I can win her heart. I know you'll bless me.."
I started to walk towards my car.
"Goodbye, my love..."
-------------------------------------
Tamales Bay, California,
Four days later.
--------------------------------------
It felt like my heart stopped when I saw her.
She was standing in a clearing in the woods near her childhood home.
It took me about two days to find her.
Another one to make her agree to see me.
Another to go to her.
Now I stood there watching her at a distance.
I was never alive until her.
Those words struck me and struck me hard.
I stood there afraid to move.
Thinking she might disappear if I closed my eyes.
She moved first.
Our eyes met.
She closed the distance between us so fast.
"Grissom."
It felt nice to hear her voice again.
"Sara."
I just stood there, with the sun warming my face, taking her in.
Acting like a fool.
"So talk then...You said you wanted to talk. I didn't come here.."
"I wanted..."
"What, Gris?"
"I wanted to explain."
"Explain, what? I thought you said everything."
Memories from that last morning together flashed before my eyes.
"I'm sorry about.."
"Well, well.. I never thought I might see the mighty Gil Grissom
say 'I'm sorry."
"Sara.."
"No, Grissom.. By all means.. continue."
She stood before me.
Pride glowing in her eyes.
Fire.
She wouldn't make this easy.
"I miss you, Sara."
"The team, huh. This is all about the team."
"No.. I miss you."
"So?"
"I was wrong..."
I moved closer to her.
Wanted her to see everything.
"Just like that.. What.."
"I can't explain.. I don't know how to tell you."
"Try the truth."
"I'm afraid. I have always been afraid."
"Everybody gets scared."
"Yeah, I know. But you have to understand.. Anne.. she was my first
love and.."
"So? She died."
"Yeah, I know.. It crushed me.."
"You have already told me all of this."
"Please, hear me out."
"Gil.."
"I loved her.. When she passed away.. it broke me totally. My heart
was ripped out of my chest and I was convinced that I couldn't
love again..."
"So?"
"I don't know how to explain what's it like to lose someone.. And
know that you might have been able to prevent it."
"It wasn't your fault.. You shouldn't."
"I know that. I have known for years. It took a long time for me
to stop grieving over her. I threw myself in work. I dedicated my
life to my work. It became a part of me and I was content living
like that. Then.. you came."
"Grissom."
She backed away from me.
Fear.
"No, Sara...let me...I thought my heart had died that day we laid
her to rest. I have had casual flings...But I never let myself...
feel.. until you."
I reached for her.
She avoided my hand.
"No, Grissom.. I won't let you do this.. Not again."
"Sara.. please.. I made a mistake...When you came to me and said those
lovely word.. I wanted to feel.. I wanted to say those words back to
you."
"You lie."
"No..."
Her eyes were dark as she spoke:
"After you pushed me away...God, how can I explain...All I did was
to try to keep myself from dying.."
"Sara.."
"No, you need to hear it. I want you to hear it. I want to know
what you did. What you caused...I couldn't breathe."
She moved towards me.
Anger filled her eyes.
Rage.
"I'm sorry.."
"I hate that you have so much power over me. I hate that I'm so
weak.. I don't want to cry over you again.. I don't want...this."
Her words hit me right in the chest.
Was I too late?
Was this all in vain?
"Sara.. please.. I.."
"Why should I believe you? You have lied before."
"It's the truth. I have never felt like this before...I want...You."
"Don't."
I moved towards her.
Wanting to touch her.
She moved away from me once again.
Our eyes met.
Tears began to form in her eyes as she spoke:
"I wanted you to come for me...I waited.. Thinking that you might
see the error of your ways. But you never came."
"Sara.."
"I don't know if I can take this."
"Please.. I need..."
"Tell me the truth.. for once."
"I don't know how I feel about you.. I feel many things: happy,
scared...Lost.. found.. It's greater than me.. I have never felt
something this strong. Being with you is stronger than me alone..
and that scares me."
"Grissom.."
"No, Sara.. Let me explain.. I have been alone half my life.. and I
was content with that. I love my job. It's a part of me. I lived
for it. It's in my blood. But I never thought something could
make me crave for something else. But it did. You happened."
She moved closer to me.
My heart shivered in my chest as our eyes met.
"I don't.. I'm no good at this, Sara."
"I know."
"I don't want to be alone anymore."
"Grissom.. I don't know.. if I can do this."
"Please, Sara.. I can't promise you the sky."
"I know that. But I'm afraid. What if you wake one day and decide
that you and I.. are wrong? You would leave.. and I dead."
"No, I could never do that."
"How can I be sure?"
"You have to trust me."
"I don't know if I can."
"All I can say.. is that I love you."
Those words seemed so hollow.
So used up.
The meant absolutely nothing these days.
But I didn't know how to express the way I felt about her.
Those words seemed so small.
I wish I could find words for that feeling that was inside.
All I could do was hope that she might see the truth in me.
"Grissom..."
I reached out my hand, hoping she wouldn't run this time.
"Sara...I can't explain. My words seem so small. All I know is
that I can't let you go.. Not this time. Not ever."
"I'm afraid."
"Of what?"
I moved closer to her.
She didn't back away from me this time.
"Of you.. You have so much power over me and I'm afraid that I will
lose myself in you."
"I would not let you.."
"I...don't know.."
She was standing so close now that I almost could pick up the small
scent of her.
"All I'm asking is another chance.."
"I can't take another heartache. My heart is not strong.. I couldn't
bare you leaving.."
"I would never leave you."
"Promise."
"I promise."
My hands trembled as I reached out my hand and touched her cheek.
Her skin was warm from the sun.
Soft.
Smooth.
Her eyes met mine.
I wanted to drown in her.
Fall into her and let her catch for me.
I wanted to seek shelter in her arms.
"Sara.. please.. let me love you.."
"Gil...I..."
Then I kissed her.
I wanted to prove to her I could feel.
That everything wasn't a lie.
I wanted to show her everything that I had held back during
the years.
I wanted to give myself totally.
It was meant to be brief.
Just a little taste.
But as soon as our lips met all sanity were lost.
She tasted like coffee and ice-cream all wrapped in one.
Heaven and hell.
With a sigh she surrendered.
I wanted to drown in her.
The sensation of being alive.
Feeling everything at once.
I finally pulled away from her.
Our eyes met.
She smiled.
The sun graced us with its presence as I took her hand in mine.
My voice was barely a whisper as I spoke:
"I will give you my heart..."
She moved closer to me.
She took my hand and placed it over her heart.
Her voice was barely a whisper as she spoke.
"And you have mine."
I don't know what the future has in store for us.
But as I stood there with the sun warming my face I knew one thing.
I will not fear the future.
I will not fear love.
Never again.
I will hold on.
For once.
And I will love her.
Forever
---------------------------------
Feedback---j_rothen@yahoo.se
Author: Jessica ( j_rothen@yahoo.se )
Rating: PG
Category: Romance, angst,
Feedback: Yes please, j_rothen@yahoo.se
Spoiler: None
Archive: Wherever, just let me know where
Website: www.geocities.com/jlovesxfiles
Summary: Grissom realizes what he's missing....
Disclaimer:I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THESE CHARACTERS.
Note: This is my first ever CSI-fanfiction so please be gentle.:)
English is not my first language so spelling/grammar
mistakes may occur.
THANK YOU: To Tamara for helping me out here
------------------------------
"If you've been hiding from love
If you've been hiding from love
I can understand where you're coming from
I can understand where you're coming from
If you've suffered enough
If you've suffered enough
I can understand what you're thinking of
I can see the pain that you're frightened of
I've been running like you
I've been running like you
Now you understand why I'm running scared
Now you understand why I'm running scared
I've been searching for truth
I've been searching for truth
And I haven't been getting anywhere
No I haven't been getting anywhere..."
( From "Freelove" by Depeche Mode )
--------------------------------
Distraught Heart (3/3)
"Falling from grace"
by: Jessica
----------------------
One month later
-------------
The world kept turning even though she no longer was beside me.
I kept living my life in rooms that missed the sound of her voice.
I threw myself into the work of erasing her from my mind.
It wasn't easy, though.
I kept seeing her everywhere.
Sara.
Her voice kept chasing me around.
I tried to convince my heart that I was better off this way.
That I could make it alone.
That nothing had changed.
I was wrong.
---------------
She came in the morning.
In the early light of day.
Catherine.
I had been working all through the night.
Going over another case.
The office had become my second home after she had left.
I stayed there as long as I could.
I sat there while the night surrounded me and let myself just
remember.
To feel.
She lingered in the doorway.
I looked up and saw her.
"Catherine."
She smiled and entered the office.
She sat down in the chair opposite mine.
"Gil. Have you been here all night?"
"Yeah, I thought I might go over the case again. We might have
missed something."
"You know we didn't."
"It doesn't hurt to check again.."
"Yeah, but you have checked several times now. You have always said
that you make the evidence talk to you.. So what they say?"
"I don't know..."
"Gil.."
Our eyes met.
"It's the truth. I have no idea.. Maybe.."
"What's the matter?"
"Nothing."
LIAR!
"Don't be like that. I can see that something is wrong."
"It's nothing."
"Gris, come on! It's Catherine you are talking too.."
"Believe me. Nothing is bothering me."
"Sure...It's Sara, huh."
I avoided her eyes as I spoke:
"What makes you say that?"
She smiled:
"You have never been a good liar, Grissom. Never. I have always
been able to see when you are lying. It's something in your eyes."
The walls around my heart came tumbling down as I sat there
listening to her.
How easy they fell.
Guess I was weak.
"It's just that we needed her in the team. She was a good CSI."
"That's it, huh?"
"Yeah..."
"Ha.. Give me a break. I have watched you two walking around in
circles for months before she left. I don't know what exactly
happened between the two of you. But I will bet that it reaches
far beyond the work."
I wanted to run away from her.
I was so good at running.
"Sara Sidle was a great CSI and I hated to see her go."
"So nothing was going on?"
"Between Sara and me?"
"Yeah."
"No, nothing."
Her eyes pierced into me.
"Then why are you walking around with that look on your face?"
"What look?"
"Like someone stole the sun from the sky."
"I don't know what you are talking about."
"Why won't you tell me? You used to tell me everything."
"Tell you what?"
"What happened? Why did Sara leave, Gil?"
"She wanted to leave."
"Don't give me that!"
"It's the truth! She wanted to leave CSI."
"What did you do?"
"Nothing! Why do you think it was something I did?"
"Please, I know you and I know Sara. I could see it in her eyes. It
was in the way she looked at you."
"What?"
"She was in love with you."
The truth hit me right in the chest and made me tremble.
"No.. You're wrong."
"Gris.."
"No, Catherine.."
"Don't lie to me, Gil. Tell me what happened?"
I rose.
I wanted to run.
But I couldn't.
Not this time.
I couldn't hide.
Not this time.
I wanted to raise the walls around my heart once again and
shut her out.
But I knew that she could see through me.
She has always been able to do that.
That's one power that scares me.
"I..I tried to make her stay..."
"And?"
"And nothing!"
"Don't give me that. Something happened."
"What do you want me to say?"
"Try the truth.."
I surrendered.
I looked at her.
My friend.
How could I tell her about what I had done?
How I had hurt Sara.
Made her cry.
Pushed her away.
Lied to her.
"I. Please..I. Can't.."
She rose.
I turned away from her.
"Gil.. We have been friends for God knows how long.. I can see that
something is bothering you.. You are hurting.."
"Cat, please.."
"You haven't called me that for years."
"I know.."
She reached out her hand and took my hand.
Her hand felt so small in mine.
"Gil.. Tell me about Sara..."
"She came to me with that paper.. She was so angry. You know how she
is. She tried to tell me then.. But I never.. saw it.."
"And?"
"I went to her...I signed it, Catherine. I wanted her to have her
freedom."
"What are you talking about?"
"She told me that she wanted me."
"That's great.. Isn't it?"
"It's Sara. I'm her boss."
"So? What did you say?"
"I couldn't.."
"God, Gil. I know you. I have seen the way you look at her. Don't
say that you feel nothing for her because I have seen you."
"I stood there and I wanted.. To feel.."
"What?"
"I couldn't say it back to her."
"What do you feel?"
"She accused me to have no heart. I'm beginning to think that maybe
she is right."
"No, Gris..."
"Yeah. Maybe it's impossible to mend.."
"What? I don't understand."
I looked at her now.
"I told her, Catherine. She came to me the morning before she left
and I told her..."
"Told her about what?"
"Anne."
"Jesus, Gil. She didn't know..."
"I never told her...You are the only one that knows.."
"God, Gris. Why do you do this? What's the point with shutting everyone
out? What good can come of it?"
"It's self-preservation."
"Huh.. It will only make you alone."
"I can deal with that."
"No-one can deal with that."
"I can."
"Don't lie."
"You need her."
"No.."
"Look at me, Grissom. Look at me!"
I met her gaze.
"Look me in the eye and tell me that you don't love
her."
"I DON'T LOVE HER."
I broke free from her and turned my back to her.
"I don't believe you."
"I don't care."
"She loves you, Gris. Everyone can see that. And you
love her."
"No."
"Why can't for once admit that?"
"Because.."
"Because what?"
"Because of Anne."
Catherine let go of my hand and looked at me.
"She has been dead for almost 15 years now."
"So?"
"You have to start living..15 years is a long time."
"Is there a time limit for grief?"
"Of course not. But you're not the only
one in this world that has lost someone. But people move on. They pick
themselves up and move on."
"It's not that easy.."
"God knows, it's not easy. But you have to try otherwise it will
kill you."
"Maybe it already has."
"Don't give me that."
"It's the truth.."
"For god's sake! I know you. I have seen that fire in your eyes.
I know you, Gil Grissom. I know you by heart.. You can make it
through this.. You need her as much as she needs you."
"I can't, Catherine."
"Why?"
"I'm afraid."
She walked up to me.
The warmth in her eyes made my heart tremble.
"Of what?"
"I don't know how to let her go."
I turned towards.
God, how I wanted to fall.
For once in my life I wanted someone to catch me.
To make me feel alive again.
"You have too."
"I loved her."
"I know you did. But you have to let her go."
"I can't.."
"You can't live like this.. Not anymore.."
"I deserve this. I deserve all the pain."
"Don't, Gil. It wasn't your fault. You know that."
"But.."
She moved closer to me.
I looked at her.
I wanted to take comfort in her.
I wanted to be saved by her.
"You have to join the living again..."
"Tell me how to let go. Tell me how to stop feeling like this."
"I can't. No one can. You have to make it on your own. But
I will stand by you. I promise."
"Thank you. Thank you for being my friend."
She smiled.
"Always, Gris. Always."
---------
I can't say that I ran.
But I fled.
After the funeral her body was cremated and her
ashes where scattered for the wind.
Just as she had wanted.
I fled out into the open plains.
To the desert.
I went to say goodbye to her.
To talk to the wind.
To talk to a God that had no mercy.
I just stood there under the sun and talked to no one.
"I came today to tell you something."
Maybe I was acting crazy.
But I needed this.
I needed to let this out.
Let this out of my chest before I exploded.
"I know that we haven't talked for a while. And I'm sorry.
I was afraid that if I went here it would be admitting that you were
gone. I thought if I clung to all the memories you would never
leave me. I was convinced that I could live like that. I was
content living like that. I wanted to wrap myself in sorrow.
But I know now that I can't do that and I know you wouldn't
let me.."
The sun warmed my face as I fell to my knees.
"God, I miss you...How I miss you. .I know it's time for me to let you go..
I should have done this.. before.. But I couldn't.. But now...Her name is
Sara..."
My heart ached in my chest as I continued.
Talking to no one.
The sky.
Hoping she would hear me where ever she were.
"I never thought love could struck me again. I read a proverb
a while back.. It goes something like this...'If you chase love
it will avoid you but if you avoid love it will follow you.'
Maybe it's true...She makes me happy, Anne. I don't know how
she did it. But she has broken through and made me.. feel..
God...and I..."
The memories from that morning came back and hit me right in
the chest.
"I pushed her away.. Believing I was better off...But I was wrong.
I can see that now. I love her.. I don't know how it happened...
I was so careful with my heart. But look what that brought me.
Nothing. Absolutely nothing...She is so easy to love. She
is like me in many ways...She makes me smile. She makes me...
feel...And for that I love her. You would like her. I'm sure
of it.."
I rose.
My legs felt weak.
I didn't cry.
I continued:
"This isn't goodbye.. I will never forget you.. It's impossible to
forget you.. But I have to let you go...But I'm sure we'll meet again."
I stood there staring into the distance.
"I will go to her now and tell her that I love her and pray that
I can win her heart. I know you'll bless me.."
I started to walk towards my car.
"Goodbye, my love..."
-------------------------------------
Tamales Bay, California,
Four days later.
--------------------------------------
It felt like my heart stopped when I saw her.
She was standing in a clearing in the woods near her childhood home.
It took me about two days to find her.
Another one to make her agree to see me.
Another to go to her.
Now I stood there watching her at a distance.
I was never alive until her.
Those words struck me and struck me hard.
I stood there afraid to move.
Thinking she might disappear if I closed my eyes.
She moved first.
Our eyes met.
She closed the distance between us so fast.
"Grissom."
It felt nice to hear her voice again.
"Sara."
I just stood there, with the sun warming my face, taking her in.
Acting like a fool.
"So talk then...You said you wanted to talk. I didn't come here.."
"I wanted..."
"What, Gris?"
"I wanted to explain."
"Explain, what? I thought you said everything."
Memories from that last morning together flashed before my eyes.
"I'm sorry about.."
"Well, well.. I never thought I might see the mighty Gil Grissom
say 'I'm sorry."
"Sara.."
"No, Grissom.. By all means.. continue."
She stood before me.
Pride glowing in her eyes.
Fire.
She wouldn't make this easy.
"I miss you, Sara."
"The team, huh. This is all about the team."
"No.. I miss you."
"So?"
"I was wrong..."
I moved closer to her.
Wanted her to see everything.
"Just like that.. What.."
"I can't explain.. I don't know how to tell you."
"Try the truth."
"I'm afraid. I have always been afraid."
"Everybody gets scared."
"Yeah, I know. But you have to understand.. Anne.. she was my first
love and.."
"So? She died."
"Yeah, I know.. It crushed me.."
"You have already told me all of this."
"Please, hear me out."
"Gil.."
"I loved her.. When she passed away.. it broke me totally. My heart
was ripped out of my chest and I was convinced that I couldn't
love again..."
"So?"
"I don't know how to explain what's it like to lose someone.. And
know that you might have been able to prevent it."
"It wasn't your fault.. You shouldn't."
"I know that. I have known for years. It took a long time for me
to stop grieving over her. I threw myself in work. I dedicated my
life to my work. It became a part of me and I was content living
like that. Then.. you came."
"Grissom."
She backed away from me.
Fear.
"No, Sara...let me...I thought my heart had died that day we laid
her to rest. I have had casual flings...But I never let myself...
feel.. until you."
I reached for her.
She avoided my hand.
"No, Grissom.. I won't let you do this.. Not again."
"Sara.. please.. I made a mistake...When you came to me and said those
lovely word.. I wanted to feel.. I wanted to say those words back to
you."
"You lie."
"No..."
Her eyes were dark as she spoke:
"After you pushed me away...God, how can I explain...All I did was
to try to keep myself from dying.."
"Sara.."
"No, you need to hear it. I want you to hear it. I want to know
what you did. What you caused...I couldn't breathe."
She moved towards me.
Anger filled her eyes.
Rage.
"I'm sorry.."
"I hate that you have so much power over me. I hate that I'm so
weak.. I don't want to cry over you again.. I don't want...this."
Her words hit me right in the chest.
Was I too late?
Was this all in vain?
"Sara.. please.. I.."
"Why should I believe you? You have lied before."
"It's the truth. I have never felt like this before...I want...You."
"Don't."
I moved towards her.
Wanting to touch her.
She moved away from me once again.
Our eyes met.
Tears began to form in her eyes as she spoke:
"I wanted you to come for me...I waited.. Thinking that you might
see the error of your ways. But you never came."
"Sara.."
"I don't know if I can take this."
"Please.. I need..."
"Tell me the truth.. for once."
"I don't know how I feel about you.. I feel many things: happy,
scared...Lost.. found.. It's greater than me.. I have never felt
something this strong. Being with you is stronger than me alone..
and that scares me."
"Grissom.."
"No, Sara.. Let me explain.. I have been alone half my life.. and I
was content with that. I love my job. It's a part of me. I lived
for it. It's in my blood. But I never thought something could
make me crave for something else. But it did. You happened."
She moved closer to me.
My heart shivered in my chest as our eyes met.
"I don't.. I'm no good at this, Sara."
"I know."
"I don't want to be alone anymore."
"Grissom.. I don't know.. if I can do this."
"Please, Sara.. I can't promise you the sky."
"I know that. But I'm afraid. What if you wake one day and decide
that you and I.. are wrong? You would leave.. and I dead."
"No, I could never do that."
"How can I be sure?"
"You have to trust me."
"I don't know if I can."
"All I can say.. is that I love you."
Those words seemed so hollow.
So used up.
The meant absolutely nothing these days.
But I didn't know how to express the way I felt about her.
Those words seemed so small.
I wish I could find words for that feeling that was inside.
All I could do was hope that she might see the truth in me.
"Grissom..."
I reached out my hand, hoping she wouldn't run this time.
"Sara...I can't explain. My words seem so small. All I know is
that I can't let you go.. Not this time. Not ever."
"I'm afraid."
"Of what?"
I moved closer to her.
She didn't back away from me this time.
"Of you.. You have so much power over me and I'm afraid that I will
lose myself in you."
"I would not let you.."
"I...don't know.."
She was standing so close now that I almost could pick up the small
scent of her.
"All I'm asking is another chance.."
"I can't take another heartache. My heart is not strong.. I couldn't
bare you leaving.."
"I would never leave you."
"Promise."
"I promise."
My hands trembled as I reached out my hand and touched her cheek.
Her skin was warm from the sun.
Soft.
Smooth.
Her eyes met mine.
I wanted to drown in her.
Fall into her and let her catch for me.
I wanted to seek shelter in her arms.
"Sara.. please.. let me love you.."
"Gil...I..."
Then I kissed her.
I wanted to prove to her I could feel.
That everything wasn't a lie.
I wanted to show her everything that I had held back during
the years.
I wanted to give myself totally.
It was meant to be brief.
Just a little taste.
But as soon as our lips met all sanity were lost.
She tasted like coffee and ice-cream all wrapped in one.
Heaven and hell.
With a sigh she surrendered.
I wanted to drown in her.
The sensation of being alive.
Feeling everything at once.
I finally pulled away from her.
Our eyes met.
She smiled.
The sun graced us with its presence as I took her hand in mine.
My voice was barely a whisper as I spoke:
"I will give you my heart..."
She moved closer to me.
She took my hand and placed it over her heart.
Her voice was barely a whisper as she spoke.
"And you have mine."
I don't know what the future has in store for us.
But as I stood there with the sun warming my face I knew one thing.
I will not fear the future.
I will not fear love.
Never again.
I will hold on.
For once.
And I will love her.
Forever
---------------------------------
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