Star Cheese: Star War's Evil Cousin
******
DISCLAIMER: This is Tori's version of Star Wars, inspired by and for the Dark Writers. Most of it is Tori's work, but does use some elements from Rica and Michaela's version of Lord of the Rings. You can look up Rica's fanfiction.net ID by finding the author Frodo Princess of Darkness or going to my favorite authors and Michaela's ID is Anoriel. Oh yeah, and I don't own Star Wars. I wish, though.
******
Luke and Obi-Wan take Luke's speeder to Mos Eisly. "Mos Eisly spaceport, you will never find a more wretched hive of bubble gum and silkery."
"Aren't you supposed to say 'scum and villainy'?" Luke asked confused.
"Well, that too, but they also have very nasty bubble gum and itchy silk! And nasty bubble gum that tastes like itchy silk! We must be cautious."
"Ok . . ." Luke murmurs as he wonders how silk can be itchy and how bubble gum can taste like silk. Itchy silk! Oh well.
A Storm Trooper approached. "Who are those droids?" he asked, pointing at C- 3P0 and R2-D2.
"Droids? What droids?" Obi-Wan asked innocently.
Luke made "shh" -ing noises at Ben and looked around suspiciously.
"You know perfectly well what droids!" the Storm Trooper argued.
Luke shook his head violently. No! No! Stop! he thought.
"There aren't any droids here," Ben said, waving his hand.
Luke ducked inside the speeder as if there was an earthquake.
"There aren't any droids here . . ." the Storm Trooper murmured in a stupid daze. He then lumbered away, bumping into stuff.
"How did you do that?!" Luke asked astonished.
"Shiny thing . . ." Ben had a quarter on a string and looked entranced.
"Well, why didn't you use that trick on me, huh? That would have saved us an argument and an explosion!" Luke replied flushed with anger. Apparently, he didn't like the mysterious explosions.
"It uh . . . only works on the weak minded," Ben fumbled for an excuse; apparently he thought the fireworks were pretty.
Luke looked satisfied.
"I didn't say anything about the dumb-minded. Your mind is only strong because of the force," Ben teased. (You see, Ben didn't want Luke to end up like Anakin, arrogant and evil, so you see, when Ben insults Luke, he's not being mean. At least not all of the time.)
They walked into a smelly bar where the "Rockefeller Skank" was playing. "Can we go now?" Luke asked nervously.
"Why?" Ben asked, turning around from the Wookie he was talking to.
"Because I hate this song! Can't the dude say something else for a change?!" Luke blurted out in front of everybody.
A guy next to him seemed offended, "I'm wanted in 10 kitchens for stealing cookies from the cookie jar!"
"Was it you?!" the whole bar shouted in unison.
"Yes it was!" he grinned. Then he got ready to slug Luke in the face, "You just insulted my favorite song, you . . ." Then Ben got out his lightsaber and cleaved the cookie stealer's arm off. The cookie thief ran away crying, "I'm going to go tell my mommy!"
"Wait! Uh . . . I am your father!" Ben called after him.
"Stop stealing my lines, fool!" Vader came out of nowhere and then disappeared before anyone noticed.
Luke sighed from relief then looked up. "Who's he?" Luke gawked, pointing at the Wookie that he had been talking to for quite a while to.
"He's Chewie," Ben said matter-of-factly.
"He looks kind of hairy to me," Luke shook his head.
"No, he's most definitely Chewie." Ben argued.
"That's gross," Luke glared.
Ben was about to retort something, but Chewie roared.
"Oh yes, Chewie is the co-pilot of a ship that we may wish to ride on. Let's go see the pilot," Ben waved his hand to the back of the cantina.
The cantina music changes to Star Wars parodies sung by Weird Al.
"So, you're looking for a ship to Alderaan?" Han asked. "Not Azerbajin? Cheaper."
"Where's that?" Luke asked dumbly.
"I dunno," he grinned. Luke looked like he was going to ask a stupid question, but Han stopped him, "Jeez . . . it's only a joke. Alderaan and Azerbajin? Sound the same? Got it, kid?"
Apparently Luke did not. Poor Luke, poor dense Luke.
"Well, " Ben said getting back to the subject, "only if you have a fast ship."
"Fast ship?! Dude, my ship's the fastest in the galaxy! Haven't you ever heard of the Millennium Falcon?!" Han asked incredulously.
"I believe I have not. And I believe that Tampa Bay is going to win the 2003 Super Bowl," Ben said, suddenly changing the subject to . . . football?! Anyway, yes they are going to win because they already have! I wrote this the day after the Super Bowl (aren't coming up with meaningless arguments fun?!).
"Is not, the Raiders are!"
"Is too!"
"Is not!"
"Is too!"
An extremely short blonde foreign dude pops up from under the table, "Both of you shut up before I explode!"
"Dude, you shut up!" Han retorted.
"Might I suggest the same," Ben glared.
The blonde dude said, "No, you guys shut up!"
"You shut up!" Han and Ben yell together.
"No, you shut up!"
"You shut up!"
"You shut up!"
"Shut up!"
"Shut up!"
"SHUT UP!"
"Ok, both you guys and um . . . me shut up before I explode!" he yelled threateningly.
Ben and Han blinked, then went back to their conversation. "For 10 bags of dirt in advance, I'll allow you to ride on my ship," Han dealed.
"Not the dirt! Not the oholy, osacred dirt!" Luke wailed. "I'd rather buy a whole new ship which would cost 20 bags of dirt than give you 10 bags of dirt!"
Ben ignored the fact that Luke was making totally no sense, "We'll give you 2 bags of dirt now, then 15 bags of dirt when we get to Alderaan."
"17 bags of dirt! Deal!" Han said gleefully.
Ben took out 2 large bags of potting soil out of his cloak (where'd that come from?!) and paid Han despite Luke's constant moans and groans.
Ben and Luke, the latter sniffling, walked out of the cantina. Chewie left too so he could get the ship ready.
As Han got up to leave, he was stopped by a green dude with an ancient, but evil . . . butter churner. "Say your prayers, Solo."
"Oh me, oh my. Go away, Greedo," Han said, heading toward the exit.
"Jabba wants the dirt you owe him, pay him or he'll take your ship. He plans to paint it in psychedelic colors with a Spongebob mural on it."
Han's mouth dropped. "Over my dead body!" With that, Han gracefully took out his cheese grater, started it up, and from its holes sped many lasers that fried Greedo. Han ran outside, but was met with . . .
"Han!" a worm with a belly the size of a house greeted.
"Hi fat . . . I mean Jabba! I see that your calls to 1-800-JENNY have really been working," Han lied.
Jabba blushed, then gained a stern expression. "You didn't deliver my 5,000 frog pizzas from my cousin's pizza place called Pizza Hutt! And those pizza's were worth 10 bags of dirt!"
"Look Jabba, I'll pay you back later! It's not my fault. I was mugged by some delivery boy-eating pygmies!" Han excused frantically.
Jabba agreed, but only if he got 2 more bags of dirt. Han agreed and then hurried to where Ben and Luke were waiting for him. He led them into Docking Bay 94 where 2001: A Space Odyssey music was playing to build up suspense.
"What a piece of crap!" Luke cried out. Han almost hit Luke over the head with a ladle, but Storm Troopers came and started their eggbeaters. "Get in the ship!" Han shouted.
Everyone rushed in the ship and Han told Chewie to take off. "There were several ships trying to go after them, but they escaped them.
On board the ship, Ben teaches Luke more about the force. Chewie and R2-D2 played Wizard chess (yes, the Wizard chess from Harry Potter, Chewie likes Harry Potter because it has the word "Hairy" in it). Finally they come to Alderaan . . . or at least where it should have been.
***
*Cut Back to A Couple of Hours*
Governor Tarkin smiled evilly. "This is your last chance, Princess. Where is the Rebel base?"
"Base? What base?" she started again.
"Fine, if you start that again, we'll blow up your home . . . Alderaan!" The Death Star loomed into view of Princess Leia's homeworld.
"No! You'll kill Rover, my pet snail!" Leia screamed.
"Pity." Tarkin mocked.
"Fine, they are on the planet Danimals," she confessed.
Tarkin smiled, "Commence with the total annihilation of Alderaan. We'll deal with Danimals later. Muahahahaha!"
"No! Wait!" Leia screamed.
The meanies blew up her planet anyway.
"Fools! The Rebels are not on Danimals, that's just the name of a yogurt! Ha! Ha! Fooled you!" Leia cried as she made all sorts of mocking gestures at Tarkin.
That's when he decided to schedule her execution.
***
*Skip Back To Now*
"Where the heck is Alderaan?!" Han cried out, pulling his hair. "And what the heck is that?!" he asked, pointing at a ship that sped past him. Don't you hate it when things aren't where they're supposed to be, and then people come to annoy you?
"The former, the Empire has something to do with, the latter, is an Imperial ship," Ben said softly.
"What's the matter, Ben?" Luke asked.
"I feel the losted souls of billions of people . . . I haven't felt this way since I was a hippie back in the days!" Ben dramatically said.
"But I thought you were a general in the Clone Wars," Luke narrowed his eyes.
"Hey, generals can be hippies, too!" Ben whined.
"Look! It's a spec of light! Bigger than a rock! Shinier than a moon! It's a . . . battle station?!" Luke gazed in horror with the rest of the crew as the Death Star loomed into view.
Then Han's ship, the Millennium Falcon was sucked closer and closer to the battle station via the tractor beam.
******
Ooh . . . finally off of Tattoine and into the Death Star! You know what this means . . . a funnier chapter ahead! Please tell me what you think, because if it seems as if nobody likes my story, I'm just going to get lazy and the chapter updates are going to be slower. I do intend on finishing the story, from Episode Four - Episode 2! And who knows what other surprises I have in store for you . . . mwahahahaha!
******
DISCLAIMER: This is Tori's version of Star Wars, inspired by and for the Dark Writers. Most of it is Tori's work, but does use some elements from Rica and Michaela's version of Lord of the Rings. You can look up Rica's fanfiction.net ID by finding the author Frodo Princess of Darkness or going to my favorite authors and Michaela's ID is Anoriel. Oh yeah, and I don't own Star Wars. I wish, though.
******
Luke and Obi-Wan take Luke's speeder to Mos Eisly. "Mos Eisly spaceport, you will never find a more wretched hive of bubble gum and silkery."
"Aren't you supposed to say 'scum and villainy'?" Luke asked confused.
"Well, that too, but they also have very nasty bubble gum and itchy silk! And nasty bubble gum that tastes like itchy silk! We must be cautious."
"Ok . . ." Luke murmurs as he wonders how silk can be itchy and how bubble gum can taste like silk. Itchy silk! Oh well.
A Storm Trooper approached. "Who are those droids?" he asked, pointing at C- 3P0 and R2-D2.
"Droids? What droids?" Obi-Wan asked innocently.
Luke made "shh" -ing noises at Ben and looked around suspiciously.
"You know perfectly well what droids!" the Storm Trooper argued.
Luke shook his head violently. No! No! Stop! he thought.
"There aren't any droids here," Ben said, waving his hand.
Luke ducked inside the speeder as if there was an earthquake.
"There aren't any droids here . . ." the Storm Trooper murmured in a stupid daze. He then lumbered away, bumping into stuff.
"How did you do that?!" Luke asked astonished.
"Shiny thing . . ." Ben had a quarter on a string and looked entranced.
"Well, why didn't you use that trick on me, huh? That would have saved us an argument and an explosion!" Luke replied flushed with anger. Apparently, he didn't like the mysterious explosions.
"It uh . . . only works on the weak minded," Ben fumbled for an excuse; apparently he thought the fireworks were pretty.
Luke looked satisfied.
"I didn't say anything about the dumb-minded. Your mind is only strong because of the force," Ben teased. (You see, Ben didn't want Luke to end up like Anakin, arrogant and evil, so you see, when Ben insults Luke, he's not being mean. At least not all of the time.)
They walked into a smelly bar where the "Rockefeller Skank" was playing. "Can we go now?" Luke asked nervously.
"Why?" Ben asked, turning around from the Wookie he was talking to.
"Because I hate this song! Can't the dude say something else for a change?!" Luke blurted out in front of everybody.
A guy next to him seemed offended, "I'm wanted in 10 kitchens for stealing cookies from the cookie jar!"
"Was it you?!" the whole bar shouted in unison.
"Yes it was!" he grinned. Then he got ready to slug Luke in the face, "You just insulted my favorite song, you . . ." Then Ben got out his lightsaber and cleaved the cookie stealer's arm off. The cookie thief ran away crying, "I'm going to go tell my mommy!"
"Wait! Uh . . . I am your father!" Ben called after him.
"Stop stealing my lines, fool!" Vader came out of nowhere and then disappeared before anyone noticed.
Luke sighed from relief then looked up. "Who's he?" Luke gawked, pointing at the Wookie that he had been talking to for quite a while to.
"He's Chewie," Ben said matter-of-factly.
"He looks kind of hairy to me," Luke shook his head.
"No, he's most definitely Chewie." Ben argued.
"That's gross," Luke glared.
Ben was about to retort something, but Chewie roared.
"Oh yes, Chewie is the co-pilot of a ship that we may wish to ride on. Let's go see the pilot," Ben waved his hand to the back of the cantina.
The cantina music changes to Star Wars parodies sung by Weird Al.
"So, you're looking for a ship to Alderaan?" Han asked. "Not Azerbajin? Cheaper."
"Where's that?" Luke asked dumbly.
"I dunno," he grinned. Luke looked like he was going to ask a stupid question, but Han stopped him, "Jeez . . . it's only a joke. Alderaan and Azerbajin? Sound the same? Got it, kid?"
Apparently Luke did not. Poor Luke, poor dense Luke.
"Well, " Ben said getting back to the subject, "only if you have a fast ship."
"Fast ship?! Dude, my ship's the fastest in the galaxy! Haven't you ever heard of the Millennium Falcon?!" Han asked incredulously.
"I believe I have not. And I believe that Tampa Bay is going to win the 2003 Super Bowl," Ben said, suddenly changing the subject to . . . football?! Anyway, yes they are going to win because they already have! I wrote this the day after the Super Bowl (aren't coming up with meaningless arguments fun?!).
"Is not, the Raiders are!"
"Is too!"
"Is not!"
"Is too!"
An extremely short blonde foreign dude pops up from under the table, "Both of you shut up before I explode!"
"Dude, you shut up!" Han retorted.
"Might I suggest the same," Ben glared.
The blonde dude said, "No, you guys shut up!"
"You shut up!" Han and Ben yell together.
"No, you shut up!"
"You shut up!"
"You shut up!"
"Shut up!"
"Shut up!"
"SHUT UP!"
"Ok, both you guys and um . . . me shut up before I explode!" he yelled threateningly.
Ben and Han blinked, then went back to their conversation. "For 10 bags of dirt in advance, I'll allow you to ride on my ship," Han dealed.
"Not the dirt! Not the oholy, osacred dirt!" Luke wailed. "I'd rather buy a whole new ship which would cost 20 bags of dirt than give you 10 bags of dirt!"
Ben ignored the fact that Luke was making totally no sense, "We'll give you 2 bags of dirt now, then 15 bags of dirt when we get to Alderaan."
"17 bags of dirt! Deal!" Han said gleefully.
Ben took out 2 large bags of potting soil out of his cloak (where'd that come from?!) and paid Han despite Luke's constant moans and groans.
Ben and Luke, the latter sniffling, walked out of the cantina. Chewie left too so he could get the ship ready.
As Han got up to leave, he was stopped by a green dude with an ancient, but evil . . . butter churner. "Say your prayers, Solo."
"Oh me, oh my. Go away, Greedo," Han said, heading toward the exit.
"Jabba wants the dirt you owe him, pay him or he'll take your ship. He plans to paint it in psychedelic colors with a Spongebob mural on it."
Han's mouth dropped. "Over my dead body!" With that, Han gracefully took out his cheese grater, started it up, and from its holes sped many lasers that fried Greedo. Han ran outside, but was met with . . .
"Han!" a worm with a belly the size of a house greeted.
"Hi fat . . . I mean Jabba! I see that your calls to 1-800-JENNY have really been working," Han lied.
Jabba blushed, then gained a stern expression. "You didn't deliver my 5,000 frog pizzas from my cousin's pizza place called Pizza Hutt! And those pizza's were worth 10 bags of dirt!"
"Look Jabba, I'll pay you back later! It's not my fault. I was mugged by some delivery boy-eating pygmies!" Han excused frantically.
Jabba agreed, but only if he got 2 more bags of dirt. Han agreed and then hurried to where Ben and Luke were waiting for him. He led them into Docking Bay 94 where 2001: A Space Odyssey music was playing to build up suspense.
"What a piece of crap!" Luke cried out. Han almost hit Luke over the head with a ladle, but Storm Troopers came and started their eggbeaters. "Get in the ship!" Han shouted.
Everyone rushed in the ship and Han told Chewie to take off. "There were several ships trying to go after them, but they escaped them.
On board the ship, Ben teaches Luke more about the force. Chewie and R2-D2 played Wizard chess (yes, the Wizard chess from Harry Potter, Chewie likes Harry Potter because it has the word "Hairy" in it). Finally they come to Alderaan . . . or at least where it should have been.
***
*Cut Back to A Couple of Hours*
Governor Tarkin smiled evilly. "This is your last chance, Princess. Where is the Rebel base?"
"Base? What base?" she started again.
"Fine, if you start that again, we'll blow up your home . . . Alderaan!" The Death Star loomed into view of Princess Leia's homeworld.
"No! You'll kill Rover, my pet snail!" Leia screamed.
"Pity." Tarkin mocked.
"Fine, they are on the planet Danimals," she confessed.
Tarkin smiled, "Commence with the total annihilation of Alderaan. We'll deal with Danimals later. Muahahahaha!"
"No! Wait!" Leia screamed.
The meanies blew up her planet anyway.
"Fools! The Rebels are not on Danimals, that's just the name of a yogurt! Ha! Ha! Fooled you!" Leia cried as she made all sorts of mocking gestures at Tarkin.
That's when he decided to schedule her execution.
***
*Skip Back To Now*
"Where the heck is Alderaan?!" Han cried out, pulling his hair. "And what the heck is that?!" he asked, pointing at a ship that sped past him. Don't you hate it when things aren't where they're supposed to be, and then people come to annoy you?
"The former, the Empire has something to do with, the latter, is an Imperial ship," Ben said softly.
"What's the matter, Ben?" Luke asked.
"I feel the losted souls of billions of people . . . I haven't felt this way since I was a hippie back in the days!" Ben dramatically said.
"But I thought you were a general in the Clone Wars," Luke narrowed his eyes.
"Hey, generals can be hippies, too!" Ben whined.
"Look! It's a spec of light! Bigger than a rock! Shinier than a moon! It's a . . . battle station?!" Luke gazed in horror with the rest of the crew as the Death Star loomed into view.
Then Han's ship, the Millennium Falcon was sucked closer and closer to the battle station via the tractor beam.
******
Ooh . . . finally off of Tattoine and into the Death Star! You know what this means . . . a funnier chapter ahead! Please tell me what you think, because if it seems as if nobody likes my story, I'm just going to get lazy and the chapter updates are going to be slower. I do intend on finishing the story, from Episode Four - Episode 2! And who knows what other surprises I have in store for you . . . mwahahahaha!
