Star Cheese
********
Before we go on, I just thought I'd introduce you to all the characters thus far...in the perspective that I have drawn them. Well, not literally drawn them, but wrote them. Or whatever.
Luke: A crybaby from planet Tatooine. The Imperials blew up his home with his video games in it and now he's gonna get revenge. Obi-Wan: A crazy old hippie who wins arguments most of the time. Deceased now, but his stubborn old hippieness seems to give him the power to still argue in the afterlife. C-3P0: The voice of reason, but he's so annoying that nobody listens to him anyway. R2-D2: Annoying as well, but his popularity and acceptance is greater than C-3P0 because he's cute. Han: A space pirate that does what he wants to do or whatever he can do to get dirt. He gets irritated and nervous easily, but you would too if you had a huge price on your head and you were surrounded by dummies! Chewie: Very hairy...and deprived of the limelight because he is always in Han's shadow. Leia: Tomboyish princess of the destroyed Alderaan. She has a temper that rivals Han's. Darth Vader: Goth Imperial leader. Even more irritable than both Han and Leia combined! Jabba the Hutt: Has a relative that owns Pizza Hutt, who Han owes money to. Various Admirals, Generals, etc.: No background story, they are just there! Dead People: The dead people (e.g. Tarkin) are dead, and there is no use in mentioning them anymore! Short Foreign Blonde Dude: Fans of the Dark Writers Lord of the Rings stories may know him well, but in this story, he is just the guy who keeps the story from getting too annoying by exploding at regular intervals.
The introduction to this episode starts (at the beginning, thankfully):
Star Cheese Episode V The Umpire Strikes Out
insert boring summary with blaring yet nice orchestral music!
A ship passes over the white planet of Hoth, dropping large snowballs that peacefully floated down to the icy planet below.
"I'm going back to the base," Han's voice crackled over the communicator. "It's so cold that I bet if you lick the ground, your tongue would stick to it! Just like an ice cube! So, are you calling it quits, too, kid?"
"I just saw a big snowball come flying out of nowhere, I think I'll go check it out," Luke replied.
"Ok, but remember, no talking to strangers! No riding with strangers! And definitely don't eat anything from a stranger!" Han informed him, sounding like one of those dummy narrators from those tapes they show to little kids.
"Okey dokey!" Luke exclaimed cheerfully. Then he rode his moaning llama (that spits out Pez candy like a Pez dispenser!) to where he saw the snowball land. Then he noticed that it wasn't a snowball, but a snowman!
A top hat came flying through the wind and as if by coincidence, it gracefully finds itself perfectly on top of the snowman's head.
"Haaaappy biiiirthday!" the snowman greeted Luke. Soon Luke found himself partaking in the festive merriment of eating snowcones with, riding on Frosty like a sled, and dancing around in circles singing mindless Christmas songs.
One of these such songs is "Frosty the Snowman," of course. After it gets annoying, the short blonde dude that kept following them in the last episode shows up in many layers of heavy coats with his teeth chattering. "B-b-both of y-you s-s-s-ssshut up b-before I e-ex-explode!" He was far less intimidating like this, but they stopped anyway.
Then Luke realized that Leia and Han might be worried about him back at the base. He didn't want to just ditch the lovable Frosty, so he devised an "accident." He found a greenhouse and locked Frosty in it and then split before Santa caught him.
He staggered back to the base and stopped when he was barely within fingertip reach. He fell into the snow and the ghost of Obi-Wan came and said, "You must keep going on Luke! You must lose the diapers! You're a big kid now!"
Luke turned beet red, "But..."
"And I also came to tell you that you must go to Dagobah and learn the ways of the Jedi from my diminutive and uhh, interesting former master, Yoda!" Ben exclaimed and then vanished.
Luke then whimpered and his head fell back into the snow.
BACK AT THE BASE
Han told General Reiker that he would have to leave as soon as possible to go pay Jabba off. As he left the command room, he noticed Leia's cold gaze.
"Oh yeah!" he snapped his fingers. "I knew I forgot something!" He stopped in front of Leia and bowed low. "Farewell, your majesticness!"
More cold looks.
Han began to sweat nervously and looked around. Then his gaze locked on hers, "What do you want from me?"
More icy cold stares.
Out of nowhere, he took some roses, a box of Godiva chocolates, and a gift certificate to the Olive Garden. "Now will you stop staring at me?" he asked shrilly and stormed out of the room.
"It worked!" Leia smiled when he left the room, and began shoveling the gifts into a bag. Then she had second thoughts...she didn't want him to leave...not without all the other stuff she could mooch out of him.
Leia caught up with him in the hall. "Why are you leaving?! We need you!!"
"Don't you mean you need me?" Han arrogantly scoffed. "I thought you only liked pretty boys."
Flames seemed to envelope her, a mixture of anger and embarrassment., "THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT!!!!!! I meant that the whole rebel base needs you. If you go, then Luke will cry and melt the base again with his salty tears. Don't you remember last time when he found out he had to ride a Pez dispenser llama instead of a pony? It took months to rebuild our base by packing snow into cheap Rubbermaid tubs and stacking the blocks of ice together!"
Han laughed. "I bet you're just saying that as a cover-up. You just don't want me to leave without giving you a goodbye Kiss."
"I'd rather eat a Tootsie Roll," Leia growled.
"I have some of those, too!" Han exclaimed.
"You're impossible," Leia marched away.
AT THE MILLENIUM FALCON
"Master Han, Princess Leia wishes to have a word with you," C-3P0 said.
"I don't want to talk to her, she wants to steal my candy!" Han whimpered.
"But she wishes to know where Master Luke is?" C-3P0 informed Han.
"The kid hasn't come in?!" Han panicked. "This can't be good...I told him not to talk to strangers!" He then goes around to gatekeepers in the base and ask if Luke has reported in. All reports are negative. He then gets upon a llama and starts toward the exit of the base.
"It's too cold out there, your llama will croak after the first marker!" the gatekeeper warned him.
"Then I'll see you in h---"
"BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!" R2-D2 censored.
"What? I just said ---"
'BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!"
"What's wrong with ---"
"BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!"
"I was just saying what was in my script!" Han pouted and then left.
He found Luke a yard away.
"The goat...peed....toothbrush....eww..." moaned Luke.
"Hang on, Luke," Han said. He looked at the base entrance a yard away, "It looks like we are going to have to camp here tonight." He cut open the llama to keep Luke warm and plugged his nose, "It smells like limburger- flavored Pez!" They had to ignore it though, and they unneccessarily camped out in the snow with the nautious smelling Pex dispenser llama.
In the morning, they awoke and talked over their radio for help to arrive. Help did arrive and carried them a yard back to the base. Luke got a soothing bath in Fruit Punch Kool-Aid and went back to his quarters. Han and Leia were still at by name-calling and mocking-gestures, but Luke didn't mind so much as his reward was a Kiss from Leia. A Dark Chocolate Kiss at that! Then General Reiker called all of them to the security camera room.
On a large screen was a blue-skined elf-looking dude singing merry songs (he also came out of the snow ball after Frosty, but Luke didn't see him). One of his songs began, "I'm Mister White Christmas, I'm Mister Snow..."
"I've never heard anything like it! It may be an Imperial code," said C- 3P0.
"Whatever it is, it is annoying. C'mon, Chewie!" Han said, as he quickly left the room.
Han shoots blue-dude, misses, it explodes, and then he runs back to the base with Chewie. "It exploded! It must have been that short blonde foreign dude in disguise! He knows we are here! We must run for our lives!" So the Rebels begin plans to evacuate.
ON A STAR DESTROYER
"We've found something!" an officer on the bridge of the Star Destroyer called to Darth Vader.
Vader studys the donut-shaped things in the snow, "It's them, I know it!" In reality, he was just hungry, though.
"But it could just be policemen!" Admiral Ozzy argues.
"It's them, you idiot, now get prepared to send down our troops!" Vader ordered.
LATER
"Sir, Admiral Ozzy Osbourne pulled in too close to the Hoth system's energy field!" General Veers tattled.
"Osbourne is a clumsy, slow, retarded idiot!" Vader growled. "Prepare for a surface attack!" Vader then brought up a screen with Admiral Ozzy and Captain Piett.
Ozzy began to choke and gasp, "I...can't...breathe!"
"I told you smoking was bad for you, Admiral, but you wouldn't listen," Piett stuck up his nose.
Ozzy dropped. "You are in command now, ADMIRAL Piett," Vader boomed.
BACK TO THE REBEL BASE
Everyone is hurrying about to get ready for evacuation. The Rebels have also picked up some ships on their radar, which they beleive are an army of the short blonde foreign dude's that is ready to explode at will. They began to build up their army of snowspeeders to combat this nearing threat. Luke got paired up with some guy called Duck. Princess Leia helped the Rebels evacuate. Han and Chewie tried to fix the Millenium Falcon.
Then the Rebels were attacks by SAT walkers! With pencil-lasers! No. 2 pencil lasers! The horror, the horror! However, the walkers and the snowspeeders halted and then began taking it out into the snow. The Imperials attacked with their egg-beaters and the Rebels attacked with snowballs. The Imperials were winning, though, because eggbeaters are more lethal than snowballs except for the occasional snowball with a rock in it.
An eggbeater laser beam hit Duck. "Duck, Duck!" Luke cried out.
"Goose!" a random Imperial yelled out.
The Rebels then got the idea of wrapping the Imperials with Duct Tape, in memory of Duck. First they would tie up the Imperial's feet with duct tape to trip them. Then they would finish the job by wrapping up the Imperial like a mummy. In one case, Luke had run out of duct tape and stuck a rotten egg in an Imperial's mouth. This worked just as well as the duct tape theory.
The outside battle was won when a delusional Rebel, impersonating Tarzan, crashed into the General of the Imperial army.
BACK INSIDE THE REBEL BASE
A giant eggbeater beam shakes the Rebel base. Everyone has escaped from the base except for Leia, Han, and Chewie. The next tremendous shake blocks off the way to Leia's ship, so Han took her to the Millenium Falcon with Chewie and C-3P0.
Vader and his Snowtroopers were hot on their trail. One snowtrooper would occasional stop and try playing in the snow. Vader would scold him and he would stop until another tendecy would overcome him. When they finally got to the Millenium Falcon, he dropped his eggbeater and began throwing snowballs. His comrades followed in suit, much to the diapproval of Darth Vader.
The Millenium Falcon didn't move at first, but after a few sarcastic remarks from Leia, the ship quickly bolted out of the hangar and off the planet.
All the Rebels and Imperials retreated. Admiral Piett now had orders to hunt down the Millenium Falcon and Luke got to his X-Wing with R2-D2 and took off for Dagobah.
********
Again, I'm sorry that it took so long to get the next chapter up, but considering that this chapter was longer than the last one, I hope it more than makes up for it. Plus I added character guide! The next chapter will cover the events in the asteroid field and Luke's encounter with Yoda, who is indeed, um, interesting. Long live the wombats! Um, yeah...so please tell me what you think! What I should improve on? Did you at least get some amusement out of it or did it bore you? Do tell!
********
Before we go on, I just thought I'd introduce you to all the characters thus far...in the perspective that I have drawn them. Well, not literally drawn them, but wrote them. Or whatever.
Luke: A crybaby from planet Tatooine. The Imperials blew up his home with his video games in it and now he's gonna get revenge. Obi-Wan: A crazy old hippie who wins arguments most of the time. Deceased now, but his stubborn old hippieness seems to give him the power to still argue in the afterlife. C-3P0: The voice of reason, but he's so annoying that nobody listens to him anyway. R2-D2: Annoying as well, but his popularity and acceptance is greater than C-3P0 because he's cute. Han: A space pirate that does what he wants to do or whatever he can do to get dirt. He gets irritated and nervous easily, but you would too if you had a huge price on your head and you were surrounded by dummies! Chewie: Very hairy...and deprived of the limelight because he is always in Han's shadow. Leia: Tomboyish princess of the destroyed Alderaan. She has a temper that rivals Han's. Darth Vader: Goth Imperial leader. Even more irritable than both Han and Leia combined! Jabba the Hutt: Has a relative that owns Pizza Hutt, who Han owes money to. Various Admirals, Generals, etc.: No background story, they are just there! Dead People: The dead people (e.g. Tarkin) are dead, and there is no use in mentioning them anymore! Short Foreign Blonde Dude: Fans of the Dark Writers Lord of the Rings stories may know him well, but in this story, he is just the guy who keeps the story from getting too annoying by exploding at regular intervals.
The introduction to this episode starts (at the beginning, thankfully):
Star Cheese Episode V The Umpire Strikes Out
insert boring summary with blaring yet nice orchestral music!
A ship passes over the white planet of Hoth, dropping large snowballs that peacefully floated down to the icy planet below.
"I'm going back to the base," Han's voice crackled over the communicator. "It's so cold that I bet if you lick the ground, your tongue would stick to it! Just like an ice cube! So, are you calling it quits, too, kid?"
"I just saw a big snowball come flying out of nowhere, I think I'll go check it out," Luke replied.
"Ok, but remember, no talking to strangers! No riding with strangers! And definitely don't eat anything from a stranger!" Han informed him, sounding like one of those dummy narrators from those tapes they show to little kids.
"Okey dokey!" Luke exclaimed cheerfully. Then he rode his moaning llama (that spits out Pez candy like a Pez dispenser!) to where he saw the snowball land. Then he noticed that it wasn't a snowball, but a snowman!
A top hat came flying through the wind and as if by coincidence, it gracefully finds itself perfectly on top of the snowman's head.
"Haaaappy biiiirthday!" the snowman greeted Luke. Soon Luke found himself partaking in the festive merriment of eating snowcones with, riding on Frosty like a sled, and dancing around in circles singing mindless Christmas songs.
One of these such songs is "Frosty the Snowman," of course. After it gets annoying, the short blonde dude that kept following them in the last episode shows up in many layers of heavy coats with his teeth chattering. "B-b-both of y-you s-s-s-ssshut up b-before I e-ex-explode!" He was far less intimidating like this, but they stopped anyway.
Then Luke realized that Leia and Han might be worried about him back at the base. He didn't want to just ditch the lovable Frosty, so he devised an "accident." He found a greenhouse and locked Frosty in it and then split before Santa caught him.
He staggered back to the base and stopped when he was barely within fingertip reach. He fell into the snow and the ghost of Obi-Wan came and said, "You must keep going on Luke! You must lose the diapers! You're a big kid now!"
Luke turned beet red, "But..."
"And I also came to tell you that you must go to Dagobah and learn the ways of the Jedi from my diminutive and uhh, interesting former master, Yoda!" Ben exclaimed and then vanished.
Luke then whimpered and his head fell back into the snow.
BACK AT THE BASE
Han told General Reiker that he would have to leave as soon as possible to go pay Jabba off. As he left the command room, he noticed Leia's cold gaze.
"Oh yeah!" he snapped his fingers. "I knew I forgot something!" He stopped in front of Leia and bowed low. "Farewell, your majesticness!"
More cold looks.
Han began to sweat nervously and looked around. Then his gaze locked on hers, "What do you want from me?"
More icy cold stares.
Out of nowhere, he took some roses, a box of Godiva chocolates, and a gift certificate to the Olive Garden. "Now will you stop staring at me?" he asked shrilly and stormed out of the room.
"It worked!" Leia smiled when he left the room, and began shoveling the gifts into a bag. Then she had second thoughts...she didn't want him to leave...not without all the other stuff she could mooch out of him.
Leia caught up with him in the hall. "Why are you leaving?! We need you!!"
"Don't you mean you need me?" Han arrogantly scoffed. "I thought you only liked pretty boys."
Flames seemed to envelope her, a mixture of anger and embarrassment., "THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT!!!!!! I meant that the whole rebel base needs you. If you go, then Luke will cry and melt the base again with his salty tears. Don't you remember last time when he found out he had to ride a Pez dispenser llama instead of a pony? It took months to rebuild our base by packing snow into cheap Rubbermaid tubs and stacking the blocks of ice together!"
Han laughed. "I bet you're just saying that as a cover-up. You just don't want me to leave without giving you a goodbye Kiss."
"I'd rather eat a Tootsie Roll," Leia growled.
"I have some of those, too!" Han exclaimed.
"You're impossible," Leia marched away.
AT THE MILLENIUM FALCON
"Master Han, Princess Leia wishes to have a word with you," C-3P0 said.
"I don't want to talk to her, she wants to steal my candy!" Han whimpered.
"But she wishes to know where Master Luke is?" C-3P0 informed Han.
"The kid hasn't come in?!" Han panicked. "This can't be good...I told him not to talk to strangers!" He then goes around to gatekeepers in the base and ask if Luke has reported in. All reports are negative. He then gets upon a llama and starts toward the exit of the base.
"It's too cold out there, your llama will croak after the first marker!" the gatekeeper warned him.
"Then I'll see you in h---"
"BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!" R2-D2 censored.
"What? I just said ---"
'BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!"
"What's wrong with ---"
"BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!"
"I was just saying what was in my script!" Han pouted and then left.
He found Luke a yard away.
"The goat...peed....toothbrush....eww..." moaned Luke.
"Hang on, Luke," Han said. He looked at the base entrance a yard away, "It looks like we are going to have to camp here tonight." He cut open the llama to keep Luke warm and plugged his nose, "It smells like limburger- flavored Pez!" They had to ignore it though, and they unneccessarily camped out in the snow with the nautious smelling Pex dispenser llama.
In the morning, they awoke and talked over their radio for help to arrive. Help did arrive and carried them a yard back to the base. Luke got a soothing bath in Fruit Punch Kool-Aid and went back to his quarters. Han and Leia were still at by name-calling and mocking-gestures, but Luke didn't mind so much as his reward was a Kiss from Leia. A Dark Chocolate Kiss at that! Then General Reiker called all of them to the security camera room.
On a large screen was a blue-skined elf-looking dude singing merry songs (he also came out of the snow ball after Frosty, but Luke didn't see him). One of his songs began, "I'm Mister White Christmas, I'm Mister Snow..."
"I've never heard anything like it! It may be an Imperial code," said C- 3P0.
"Whatever it is, it is annoying. C'mon, Chewie!" Han said, as he quickly left the room.
Han shoots blue-dude, misses, it explodes, and then he runs back to the base with Chewie. "It exploded! It must have been that short blonde foreign dude in disguise! He knows we are here! We must run for our lives!" So the Rebels begin plans to evacuate.
ON A STAR DESTROYER
"We've found something!" an officer on the bridge of the Star Destroyer called to Darth Vader.
Vader studys the donut-shaped things in the snow, "It's them, I know it!" In reality, he was just hungry, though.
"But it could just be policemen!" Admiral Ozzy argues.
"It's them, you idiot, now get prepared to send down our troops!" Vader ordered.
LATER
"Sir, Admiral Ozzy Osbourne pulled in too close to the Hoth system's energy field!" General Veers tattled.
"Osbourne is a clumsy, slow, retarded idiot!" Vader growled. "Prepare for a surface attack!" Vader then brought up a screen with Admiral Ozzy and Captain Piett.
Ozzy began to choke and gasp, "I...can't...breathe!"
"I told you smoking was bad for you, Admiral, but you wouldn't listen," Piett stuck up his nose.
Ozzy dropped. "You are in command now, ADMIRAL Piett," Vader boomed.
BACK TO THE REBEL BASE
Everyone is hurrying about to get ready for evacuation. The Rebels have also picked up some ships on their radar, which they beleive are an army of the short blonde foreign dude's that is ready to explode at will. They began to build up their army of snowspeeders to combat this nearing threat. Luke got paired up with some guy called Duck. Princess Leia helped the Rebels evacuate. Han and Chewie tried to fix the Millenium Falcon.
Then the Rebels were attacks by SAT walkers! With pencil-lasers! No. 2 pencil lasers! The horror, the horror! However, the walkers and the snowspeeders halted and then began taking it out into the snow. The Imperials attacked with their egg-beaters and the Rebels attacked with snowballs. The Imperials were winning, though, because eggbeaters are more lethal than snowballs except for the occasional snowball with a rock in it.
An eggbeater laser beam hit Duck. "Duck, Duck!" Luke cried out.
"Goose!" a random Imperial yelled out.
The Rebels then got the idea of wrapping the Imperials with Duct Tape, in memory of Duck. First they would tie up the Imperial's feet with duct tape to trip them. Then they would finish the job by wrapping up the Imperial like a mummy. In one case, Luke had run out of duct tape and stuck a rotten egg in an Imperial's mouth. This worked just as well as the duct tape theory.
The outside battle was won when a delusional Rebel, impersonating Tarzan, crashed into the General of the Imperial army.
BACK INSIDE THE REBEL BASE
A giant eggbeater beam shakes the Rebel base. Everyone has escaped from the base except for Leia, Han, and Chewie. The next tremendous shake blocks off the way to Leia's ship, so Han took her to the Millenium Falcon with Chewie and C-3P0.
Vader and his Snowtroopers were hot on their trail. One snowtrooper would occasional stop and try playing in the snow. Vader would scold him and he would stop until another tendecy would overcome him. When they finally got to the Millenium Falcon, he dropped his eggbeater and began throwing snowballs. His comrades followed in suit, much to the diapproval of Darth Vader.
The Millenium Falcon didn't move at first, but after a few sarcastic remarks from Leia, the ship quickly bolted out of the hangar and off the planet.
All the Rebels and Imperials retreated. Admiral Piett now had orders to hunt down the Millenium Falcon and Luke got to his X-Wing with R2-D2 and took off for Dagobah.
********
Again, I'm sorry that it took so long to get the next chapter up, but considering that this chapter was longer than the last one, I hope it more than makes up for it. Plus I added character guide! The next chapter will cover the events in the asteroid field and Luke's encounter with Yoda, who is indeed, um, interesting. Long live the wombats! Um, yeah...so please tell me what you think! What I should improve on? Did you at least get some amusement out of it or did it bore you? Do tell!
