Journal Entries
Beaner-Bop
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A/N: ^.^ one-shots make me happy!!!
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Disclaimer- No sue, me no own
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After Cell
Five days since I woke up after being in a coma for about a month, and still in bed. I can't believe they won't let me out. I need to get out. I need to stretch, I need to fly, and I need to find da-
I shouldn't be writing this in pen. But then again it makes the perfect irony doesn't it? I killed my father and no matter what I can't bring him back - just like I can't erase that stupid mistake.
That stupid, stupid, dumb, idiotic mistake.
I'm a failure.
Why am I still here?
This is probably why none of the 'gang' will let me leave the bed. Their all to worried that precious little Gohan might decide to 'hurt' himself.
Well, why not? Dad decided to go and die and stay dead. Why can't I decide to die and then die.
Do you know that one of the strangest things to understand - and possibly one of the hardest - is death? When I was younger, I used to think that when you died, you went to live your dreams, and your nightmares. That you just went into that world, and then when you dreamed of THIS world, you would die and come back to it, making it go back and forth.
I don't know if I let go of that belief yet. Even though dad told me about the other world, I still don't think that's how it works. I think that that was dad's dream, in a way. He could still fight, train, and plenty of opponents, and if we ever needed his help, he'd still be there for us.
Krillin and Yamcha said they went to the same place as dad. Naturally Vegeta didn't but that's a different topic all together. I do not want to think about hell.
Anyway, back to Krillin and Yamcha. I think that they followed my dad for so long, that when it came to fighting they went to him first, that his dream, became their dream as well - making everything the same.
That worries me. I don't think I have the same dreams as my father.
This is going to sound terrible - hell its going to look terrible, but I have to get it off my chest. Maybe my thoughts will leave me alone after that. Maybe I won't have to look at them anymore.
I think I'm angry at my father - furious actually. I'm actually that I …I hate my father.
I can't believe I just wrote that, I don't believe that! I don't hate my father…do I?
No…no I don't. Severely angry at him though, yes. I can't help it though, trust me, I've tried. Dad did it for the world. I know he did it for the world… I think maybe I'm just more selfish than he is.
Easily believable.
It's just that, the way I see it, how much he did for the world, he deserved to be a little selfish, right? So then why didn't he want to stay home?
Maybe that's it. Maybe dad was being selfish. Maybe the other world was so much better than this world that-
I can't write anymore. I probably shouldn't be writing these things in the first place. Gah, I can't imagine what would happen if somebody would find this…
Mom would go into shock…
Bulma would approach me and probably try to 'put my head back on straight' since I wrote that stuff about my father.
Yamcha and Krillin would…actually, I don't know what the hell they would do. Yamcha might shake his head sadly and cross his fingers, hoping that maybe it was just the fight and it'll wear off over time. Krillin would probably give me some more attention or something like that.
I don't know what to think of if Vegeta would find it. It was laughable really. Actually- if anyone had to find it, it would probably him. After all, what time did he have to read a boy's 'journal' (more specifically all those crumpled up pieces of paper that I happen to scrawl on all the time and oddly enough find time to staple them together)
He could probably care less.
You know what I said about my mother before? Scratch that. I think that she would just look at the paper sadly and shake her head. She'd probably come and see if I wanted to talk about anything with her, but not really forcing me to say anything. She's been like that a lot lately.
Actually, now that I think about it, mom's been like that her whole life. How could I never notice that about her. I've known for my whole life, hell, she gave me life. How could I never notice it? How come dad never noticed it?
Maybe dad did notice. I don't know. Its not my business what their love life is like. I only came from it.
I sometimes really can't understand how selfish I am. I mean it - here I've been, complaining about how my life has been hell from Cell, when mom probably feels worse than I do.
I'm gonna have to fake like I'm asleep a little while longer, I hear Bulma coming down the hall. Probably going to say something about how staying in bed is good for your health. I don't understand why they won't let me go outside already. Its sickening. I don't want to see anyone.
Good Night.
-Gohan
