Disclaimer: I still don't own SW or TWL. If I did, Luke would be my own personal slave and I'd be doing a real edition of the show. I borrowed the questions from StarWarsKids.com.
(Lisa dashes back onto the set to applause.)
AL: (out of breath) Welcome back to… "The Weakest Link"!
(There is more applause.)
AL: Is everyone ready?
Everyone: Yeah!
AL: Right! (turns to Leia) Leia, you are the –
Charlie: Um, Lisa?
AL: (blinks) Yes, dear?
Charlie: We haven't done the first round yet.
AL: (beat) Oh.
(The audience chuckles lightly.)
AL: (clears throat) Okay. Round One is called "Who Said It?" I'll state a quote, and you must tell me who in our universe said it. Please note that I will not accept an answer of "Me", "You", "He did", "She did" or "I did". You have to state the name. First name's okay. If you don't know the name, describe the person as best you can. For example, if you thought it was me, but didn't know my name, you'd say, "That really pretty alien girl with wings that hangs around Luke all the time."
(More chuckles from the audience.)
AL: Are we ready?
Everyone: Yeah!
AL: Excellent! We'll start with the person in the first position. (turns to Luke) That's you, doll.
Luke: All right!
AL: Charlie, you ready on that timer?
Charlie: You betcha!
AL: Then let's play… "The Weakest Link"!
(Dramatic music plays.)
AL: Start the…oh, wait. We don't have a clock. So, Charlie, stand by and keep track of the questions.
Charlie: Ten-four.
AL: Let's do it! Luke, "Grab it! Almost…you almost got it!"
Luke: Han!
AL: Correct! Han, "Go for the legs. It may be our only chance of stopping them."
Han: Oh, uh… (thinks hard) um, Wedge?
AL: Wrong! The correct answer is "Luke".
Luke: Hah!
AL: Chewie, "He's got to follow his own path. No one can choose it for him."
Chewie: Rooarr!
C3PO: He said, "Leia".
AL: Correct! Lando, "I gotta get you out of here."
Lando: Um…Leia?
AL: Correct! Yoda, "I'm here to rescue you!"
Yoda: Said that, young Skywalker did.
AL: Um…right. Obi-Wan, "I can't keep the vision out of my head. They're my friends. I've got to help them."
Obi-Wan: I was there. Luke.
AL: Correct! Wedge, "The shield is down! Commence attack on the Death Star's main reactor."
Wedge: Easy! Ackbar!
AL: Correct! Leia, "You're all clear, kid. Now let's blow this thing and go home!"
Leia: Han.
AL: Wrong! (beat) Oh, that's right. (grumble) Fine. Luke, "That's right. And my friend's out in it."
Luke: Uh…Han?
AL: Correct!
Luke: Yes!
AL: Han, "For over a thousand generations the Jedi Knights were the guardians of peace and justice in the Old Republic. Before the dark times. Before the Empire."
Han: Uh…hm. Obi-Wan?
AL: Correct! Chewie, "I think our lives are about to be destroyed, anyway."
Chewie: (hesitates for a minute) Roooarrr?
C3PO: "C3PO". Oh! Chewbacca, I did not say that!
AL: He's right. The correct answer is "Luke and Leia's mother".
Chewie: Rooaaaaaarrrrooooaaaar!
AL: I don't care if none of you were there. I just say what comes up on my screen, here. (indicates her podium and said screen) If you think it's someone from your past, say so.
Chewie: (growls)
AL: Tough cookies. Lando, "Her people are suffering…dying."
Lando: (after thinking a bit) Luke and Leia's mother?
AL: Correct! See? Yoda, "Mos Eisley Spaceport. You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. We must be cautious."
Yoda: Said that, Obi-Wan did.
AL: Right. Obi-Wan, "I just got a funny feeling. Like I'm not gonna see her again."
Obi-Wan: Luke.
AL: Wrong! The correct answer is "Han".
Han: I knew that.
AL: That's because you said it. Wedge, "Jedi don't have nightmares."
Wedge: Uh…oh…er…Luke?
AL: Wrong! The correct answer is "Anakin".
Luke: He said that?
AL: According to this, love, yes. Leia, "I'm endangering a mission. I shouldn't have come."
Leia: Luke.
AL: (double checks) Grrr, right. Luke, "His abilities have made him, well…arrogant."
Luke: (thinking hard) Uh, Obi-Wan?
AL: Correct!
Luke: He wasn't talking about me, was he?
AL: No, dear. Han, "I shall do what I must, Obi-Wan."
Han: Luke!
AL: Wrong! The correct answer is "Obi-Wan's master". Chewie, "I know we're in trouble, just hang on!"
Chewie: (thinks) Roooarr?
C3PO: "Luke".
AL: Wrong! The correct answer is "Anakin". Lando, "I should think you Jedi would have more respect for the difference between knowledge and – ha ha ha…wisdom."
Lando: (flippantly) Some alien guy who owned a diner.
AL: Wow, right.
Lando: Yee-hah!
AL: Good job. Yoda, "Don't move, Jedi! Take him away!"
Yoda: Said that, Boba Fett's father did.
AL: Right…are you cheating?
Yoda: The way of the Jedi, cheating is not.
AL: (murmurs) Whatever. Obi-Wan, "You seem a little on edge."
Obi-Wan: I…er, Obi-Wan.
AL: Correct. Wedge, "I do not like this idea of hiding."
Wedge: Oh, uh… (knows it's wrong but says it anyway) That really, really pretty alien girl with wings that hangs around Luke all the time? (chuckles)
AL: (smiles) Thanks, but no. The correct answer is "Luke and Leia's mother".
Wedge: Darn!
AL: Leia, "It was just a job."
Leia: Sounds like something a bounty hunter would say.
AL: (nearly screams in frustration) No matter. Right.
Charlie: (presses timer button)
(End-of-Round music plays.)
AL: End of round one! Luke, Lando, Yoda and… (growl) Leia managed to get all of their questions right. Everyone else, no dice. It's time to vote off who you think is the weakest link.
(The contestants pick up their pens and begin writing down their vote.)
Charlie: Luke, Lando, Yoda, and Leia are the strongest links. They got all their questions right. Han, Chewie, and Wedge are the weakest links. They have two wrong answers each. How will the votes go?
AL: Voting over. (turns to Leia) Leia, you –
Charlie: (patiently) Count the votes first, Lisa.
AL: Oh, right. (clears throat) It's time to see who you think is the weakest link.
(Dramatic music plays.)
Luke: Leia.
Han: Chewie.
Chewie: Roaarrrr.
C3PO: "Han".
Lando: Leia.
Yoda: Voted Solo off, I have.
Obi-Wan: Lando.
Wedge: Leia.
Leia: (grumbling under her breath) Why bother?
AL: Just do it.
Leia: Fine. Yoda.
(Dramatic music plays.)
AL: (positively ecstatic) Yes! (regains her composure) Leia, why Yoda?
Leia: (bored) You paid me to vote for anyone except Luke, and the way he talks is annoying.
Yoda: Fit to be a Jedi, you are not.
AL: That's enough. Wedge, why Leia?
Wedge: You paid Luke, Lando, and I to vote for her.
Leia: I saw that one coming…
AL: Damned straight. Obi-Wan, why Lando?
Obi-Wan: He survived and I didn't.
Wedge: Tough.
AL: Quiet, Wedge. (to Obi-Wan) Tough. Yoda, why Han?
Yoda: A bad influence, he is.
Han: I am not!
AL: Enough. Chewie, why Han?
Chewie: Rooarroooooaoooorooooorrrrrr.
C3PO: "He keeps breaking the Falcon"? Oh, my!
Han: You're gonna get it after the show, fuzzball.
AL: Well, Han, why Chewie, then?
Han: Because he stinks when he takes a bath.
Chewie: Rooaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrr!
Han: You and what army?!
AL: Hey! Settle it after the show, boys. (claps hands) Well… (turns to Leia) with three votes, Leia, you are the weakest link! Goodbye!
(Leia stalks off, glaring at Lisa on the way.)
(Backstage:)
Leia: I knew I was going to get voted off first. Lisa hates me. Everyone knows Luke is going to win. I'm only here for the free food.
(Back to the set:)
AL: One player down. Who will go next? We'll play round two after the break. (she runs off the set.)
Luke: Back to her other show?
Cameraman: Yep.
(She suddenly runs back and grabs C3PO by the arm.)
AL: Come on, Goldenrod. I have another job for you.
C3PO: Oh, my!
(They both leave the set.)
End part two.
